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To The Ones That Still Didn't Heal
He's trying to get better, working on it. Taking time. Doing it cool. He’s learning slowly to let go, cause he has always been bad at it. Even if he ran away, and was always ready to die, he was still clinging desperately to things. He has to treat his inner child better and all that jazz, right?
Except there's no kiddo inside him, no, there's this big muscular dude, with a blade cutting him to pieces over and over. Oh, there he goes again. Fuck!
He knows he has problems.
And he’s doing his best. So he takes the blade out of the dude’s hand, and says “aha”. Yes, and the dude pouts, stomps, and starts to rip him apart with his bare hands. The first weeks after the timperipper are hard. He spends most of it in bed, crying, not even changing his clothes. He feels bad about it, about worrying Logan and Al, about leaving Mary behind. They take care of her, and try to take care of him too, but he won’t allow it. Come on, if this dude could just let him rest a bit.
It takes time, but he figures he has to give something back, right? So he gives the dude inside him a sewing kit. He's bad at it, his sewing is messy, sloppy, the meat falling through the holes, the blood dripping.
But as the dude stops the ripping, he tries to play by the rules, not so much cause he's just a man, you know, well, barely a man to be true. But he finally gets back to the world, yes, takes a shower cause he stinks, eats, and starts to help around in home a bit, clean, cook, making it seem like a real home for Logan and Al, cause they deserve it. He takes Mary out, and really gets full responsibility for her, since he was the one bringing her in the first place. She doesn't seem to resent him, and neither does Logan and Al.
But some days the poorly sewn stitches come undone and he is just pieces.
He hates to have to deal with people, but people expect him to interact, like his friends. He tries to avoid most of it, but there's unavoidable occasions. Like Al’s birthday party.
He has to meet many things he's still working to let go at once. And the thread is coming loose.
Like Ness. She has a ring, a real one, not a plastic toy from a machine on her hand. And he can already tell what comes next. He avoids her most of the party, pretending to listen to the others and talking nonsense. Like, it's his normal behavior. But they end up facing each other.
“Hey, buddy.”
“Hey, Ness.” There's still caring in her voice when she talks with him. Her eyes still shine when she smiles his way. He will fall apart.
“So, how are things going?”
He opens his mouth, but is saved from saying what was bleeding out of him because Logan just walks close. Strangely holding out two beers and some snacks to them. “Thought you would want some.” He says, eyes soft.
Wade takes it, the beer and grabs a burger.
“Thanks.”
Ness passes on it. Saying she's good. But once Logan is gone. “He has a soft spot for you.”
He turns to her again. “Eh?” His mouth is full, chewing slowly.
“Logan, he's grumpy and seems pissed off around everyone, but not with you.” She says, her hand moving, making the ring shine in the light.
He nods, and once he finishes the beer, he goes find more. He doesn't say a thing, doesn't make a scene, he keeps drinking and drinking. And then it's very late and he just realizes everyone is gone because Logan is taking the bottle from his hand.
“Hey! I'm still drinking!” He complains.
“It's empty, Wade. And it's over. This was the last one.”
“It’s not! It can't be over! I need more. Just one more… just… one, pleas…”
And he's crying, so wasted. Logan's hand lands on his shoulder.
“I know, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry it's over, Wade.”
He cries and cries, shaking, messy, nose running disgusting. But Logan stays at his side on the table, hand warm on his shoulder, till the sun rises and Wade falls asleep over his own tears.
He teaches the big man how to properly use a needle. How to line up, double sewing stitch, it gets much better, you can't see the meat coming out of it anymore. No. But the sewing is still ugly, the skin tissue wrinkled, the crooked stitches looking as if he's some Frankenstein Monster. Well, it fits him, right?
He and Logan start to take missions again. Yes. And it's good. Go out and slash people. There's no feeling like this. He may say it helps him relax. Also he's able to show off to the older man, and he can see Logan likes to see him fight. There's something in his eyes, fierce, dark. Wade is not sure what it is, but he likes it. It makes him burn, and he ends up touching himself when they are home.
He does it when Logan goes out with Mary. Or is out doing whatever he does. Because Wade may be stupid, but he's not that stupid. He knows Logan has super hearing. So that would be embarrassing if he heard him.
Wade feels guilty about it. But at the end of the day, he's just a man, well barely. Also he's not hurting anyone. And he deserves to feel something. To get some endorphins. So, yeah, he touches his repulsive cock, gets a boost and then cries afterwards. Like most of the grown people in the world. He's doing fine.
He stops talking with most of his friends, and just lets go slowly. And they let him. The only one that puts up a fight is Peter. But they only see each other at parties and things like that. And here is the thing, he rarely goes to parties now.
Most of his time he spends with Logan and Mary. They eat together, fight together, and take her for a walk. They even do grocery shopping together. It's nice, and slowly Wade starts to talk a bit. Babbling about some hyperfixation he has. And Logan listens.
No hard topic. He is afraid to ask about important stuff because what if Logan asks too? They just exist side by side. Existing at Logan's side feels absurdly good. And he wishes this could go on forever.
But it's impossible, he knows. And he falls apart on a mission.
To be fair he has been doing pretty well for six months. Like, he's allowed to fall apart once in a while, is he not? The big dude on his mind even tries to keep the pieces in place. But the thread rotted. If these fucking pieces could just stick together. Why can't his powers reach his mind?
It happens he knows because of something simple. They talked about something important. It was in the morning, before they went out. Logan just commented he has been searching for places.
And Wade tried to play it cool. Yes. Let go. He has been learning this. Not clinging to things that aren't for him. He nodded and said “I see, let me know If you find something good.” Then went to get ready to slash.
He puts all on this fight, he's killing, striking, gracious flying and jumping in the air, cutting through meat easily. Well, till he makes a little mistake, and his legs are blown by one of the bad guys.
And he's just half of a man, yes, but what's new? The up half of his body lays on the floor, his guts spilling, blood pooling around him. He uses his hands to move his body, puts himself close to a wall, and silly draws a smiling face on the floor with blood. What was he thinking? That he would stay forever? He sniffs, making other drawings. Stupid, stupid man. You haven't learned anything at all.
“You aren't crying, are you?”
He moves his face up, meeting Logan. He's standing over him, looks like the fight is done. He's outlined by the light of the afternoon sun, looking like a glowing orange warm being. Like a flame. Like if he's the sun itself.
“Maybe.” And what about it? Can't he fucking have a little cry?
“You are crying because you got blown in half?”
“It hurts! You know?” It hurts so much. Because he's always losing. Always breaking. Still he keeps staring at the sun, even if he knows he will get blind by it.
And Logan grunts. “I have had much worse than it.”
“You have not.”
“Try being burned to the bones.”
This son of a bitch. Wade can feel his body starting to move, his belly growing. Look, he's gonna be a mother! He feels silly and pathetic at once. That's how falling in love works for him. Something bloody growing out of you.
“Well, I have. Actually I have been burned by fire, electricity, scalding oil, even thrown into acid.”
The older man makes a tsc sound with his mouth, smirking. “That's all you got? I have fallen into a volcano, have had all my organs removed while still conscious, and also all my bones. Have you ever become a boneless being?”
Wade puffs, taking a deep breath, filling his chest up and putting his hand on his hips. He feels mad and also good? Boneless, yes, he feels it when he's with him. Wait, wait, are they flirting? Nah. He's going fucking crazy.
“Ha, it's nothing. I was a laboratory guinea pig too, you know? Also I have been pulverized, cut into pieces, impaled, hanged, machine-gunned, guillotined, once when I traveled through time, hit by an anti-matter ray, dimensional travel this time, and there was even an occasion I had to regenerate just from a finger.”
Logan stares at him. He's using the mask, but Wade can feel it. His stare cutting through him, direct to his painful heart.
“Fine, you win.” Logan says suddenly and then for Wade complete disbelief he laughs and sits on the bloody floor at his side.
“I do?” He asks dumbfounded.
And Logan keeps laughing and it's kind of contagious because Wade starts to laugh too. They laugh together for a while and when they stop the silence surrounds them.
“It must have taken so long to heal.” Logan starts. “With your powers.”
Wade stares down at his body, it keeps moving. At least the guts aren't out anymore.
“Yes. It took weeks.”
“Well, I'm gonna keep an eye on you from now on.” Logan says.
Eh? “Why?”
“Cause I don't want to end up living with a growing finger. Can you imagine it?’
He wants to laugh but starts to cry. And it's the only sound for a while. He would like to be a finger, he wouldn't mind if it meant he can stay with him.
“Why are you crying?”
“I don't know.”
Logan breathes deep at his side and takes out his mask. “You are a terrible liar, you know?”
Yes, he knows.
“I'm sorry.” He doesn't know why he's apologizing really.
“Is it because of the girl?”
What?
“No. Why would you think that? Ness and I are done.”
“Well, you cried a lot last time.” His voice sounds odd. “It's hard when people move on.”
“Yes.” It fucking is.
And a hand is touching his face. He gets startled. But Logan doesn't let go, no, he takes out his mask slowly.
“What… what are you doing?” He feels exposed, tears sliding on his face. He shakes, why would he do it? The green eyes are soft now, but a blade must be soft to cut through meat. He bleeds.
“I wish you would move on too.” He says and then he's leaning touching his lips on Wade's.
Wade has no reaction because he was not waiting for it. When Logan pulls away he seems disappointed.
“Sorry, I couldn't help…”
And Wade cries more. “Why are you doing it?! Why are you being considerated and kissing me when you fucking said you will leave?!” He screams and whines and sniffs. He's a fucking bloody mess covered in nasal secretion.
Logan blinks at him, seeming surprised. Then he smiles. He fucking smiles and laughs.
“What?! What are you smiling at?!”
“I’m fucking slow.”
Eh?
“You crying because of it, stupid?”
Eh?
“Because you think I'm leaving?”
Well, yes. He sniffs and nods, pouting.
“Wade, can't you see you are stuck with me?”
“What do you mean?”
“I wouldn't know what to do without you. I would be fucking lost.”
What is he talking about?
“I don't understand… What are you saying? Aren't you searching for places?”
Logan grunts before getting close to him again. In all fours. A hand landing on his face, very tender and warm. “You better fucking kiss me back this time.”
And he kisses him again and this time Wade kisses back, of course. Messy and desperate. He has no idea about what they are doing. But he can't help it. He has been dreaming about it. Well, trying not to dream about it. It doesn't feel like a dream, it tastes metallic, cause he has internal bleeding, and combusting very much like when he died in a burning way. More. Maybe it's what it feels when you drown in the sun’s surface?
He feels like melting, his whole body burns, stings, tingles as Logan's lips slides on his, mouth opening in despair too. And his tongue feels like moving lava, dissolving something inside him.
When he pulls away, a line of blood connects their mouths. And Logan is fucking breathless, staring at him that softly way, eyes glassy, face sweaty and a bit pink.
“Logan… Do you like me?!”
He can't believe it. He moves one of his gloved hands and lands it on his face. But it's real. It's not a dream at all. Logan sighs.
“Can't you tell? I was told by Althea, Peter, Laura and even Vanessa that it's fucking obvious. Like I have it bad.”
Really? And Wade reflects about it. About Ness saying Logan has a soft spot for him, the way he cares about him, yes, Logan’s hand on his shoulder that day. When Wade woke up, the light of the morning sun touching everything, Logan was sleeping on the chair at his side, hand still on him. The way he looks at him when he fights.
“You have it bad?”
Logan giggles now, the sound delicious. He seems suddenly younger and so cute. What's something else if you have in mind he's a big old man covered in blood.
“I didn't even wait for you to fully heal.” He says, eyes falling on Wade's lips again. Seems like he wants to do it again.
“But I'm a mess, Logan, and broken and lost…” And many things that make it really not the best decision.
“I know that.” He says, eyes very soft.
Oh. So he knows.
“But you are also funny, silly, unbelievably kind, sexy and I know I should wait, I know… and honestly I didn't plan to make a move today. Even though I was planning to talk properly about us moving out. I tried early, but you just went to the bedroom. So I thought it wasn't the best time. But now I can see there's not such a thing as the best time. There's?”
Oh.
Wade doesn't know. But he also has been waiting for the moment he would feel fine, like himself. That the heavy weight on his mind would vanish. But maybe it never will? It doesn't mean he can't have good things, right? He can still try things.
“You said I’m sexy?” He doesn't know why this is the first thing that leaves his mouth. Maybe because he's laying in a dirt wall, covered in blood with only half of his body left. His healing powers working slowly, growing him little feet.
Like it's kind of absurd Logan thinks of him of all people as sexy.
Logan smiles. “I mean you aren't in your best shape at the moment, but yes, you are, honestly I think you are gorgeous. But I know you won't believe me. I didn't realize it immediately. You know?”
Eh? Gorgeous? He's nuts.
“What didn't you realize?”
“My feelings for you. It happened slowly, like a blade carving its way through my soul. That's something you should know too. I don't do it lightly. I go all the way. So if you don't want it, you should let me know now. Make me bleed right here.”
“Logan…”
Logan's stare gets deep, his face changing, getting hopeful, tears shining on his green eyes. “But if you say yes, I won't let go."
And Wade laughs now. A real laugh. “You stupid old man, you are a bastard, you know that, right? Fuck! I wish I had legs so I could kick your ass.” Fucking man confessing to him in such a moment.
“So it's a no?”
He takes a deep breath. “It’s a kiss me again, you bastard.”
Logan smiles prettily at him, seeming so happy.
The dude inside Wade is taking needle and thread again, arranging the parts slowly. He's being kind and taking time as he starts to sew.
Logan gets close, his hand finding its way on Wade's face. He keeps doing it softly. Touching with care, Wade sighs. Slowly Logan moves, kissing him, oh, yes, he's dissolving on that mouth. He smiles on his lips and Logan pulls away, staring with glassy eyes at him.
“So, how long do you think it will take for you to be fully healed?” He asks, a finger caressing Wade's bottom lip.
“I don't know, it must take time.” It's very slow today, so a lot of time.
Logan nods. “Okay, so I gonna kiss you through it.”
Eh?
“But it may take hours?”
“And? You have something against a long season of making out?”
And Wade giggles. “No, of course not. I… I would love it.” He says and Logan smiles so deeply and happy at him that it cuts through him too, so deep, reaching the dude inside him. It doesn't heal him instantly, of course not, but the dude gets in a better mood as he keeps moving the needle with care.
Wade doesn't know how long it will take for him to heal for good, if he ever will, but he will live anyway. Try to enjoy things, try to be good to Logan and to himself. Honestly being good to yourself is the hard part, but he wants to. He wants to move on.