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Tadashi has been married to his husband, Kageyama Tobio, for slightly more than five years.
They met as colleagues, and love bloomed on the battlefield of endless paperwork and demanding deadlines and mostly unproductive meetings. After a courtship of two years, they tied the knot. They did not have a ceremony followed by an after-party like all the other lucky newlyweds—just a dinner party so lavish it would make many brides green with envy, attended by Tadashi’s parents, Tobio’s mother, and their overjoyed friends.
Tobio’s father and most of his relatives did not show up. Tadashi had not allowed their absence to affect his happiness.
Technically, his and Tobio’s ‘marriage’ is a civil union, but the moment they received the certificate recognizing their union has been, and remains, one of the most important moments in Tadashi’s life.
Tadashi has no status within Tobio’s family. Tobio’s mother is the only one who recognizes him as her son-in-law, and Tadashi is as good as invisible to his father-in-law. Tobio’s relatives put on a polite front towards him, but he knows about the vicious things - ‘gold-digger’ and ‘low class bastard’ are just some of the comparatively kinder comments - they say behind his back.
I’m fine, Tadashi tells himself. Tobio is the one he married, not his family, and he could care less about the rest of the family as long as they have each other.
Tobio works in his father’s company. His job requires him to fly around the globe frequently, and he is often gone for weeks.
Tobio is rarely home for more than a week these days. Tadashi does not want to suspect that his father-in-law is keeping them separate on purpose.
I’m fine, Tadashi tells himself. Tobio’s career is at his height, and Tadashi is happiest when he hears Tobio talk about how he has successfully sealed another important deal.
Tadashi also works in his father-in-law’s company. He is Tobio’s executive assistant, and handles Tobio’s calls and documents for him. Every time a colleague is unable to meet Tobio because of his demanding schedule, all Tadashi can manage is an apologetic smile.
Tadashi knows many people but has few close friends at work. He has lunch with Tsukki, his ex-boss from Accounts, and Yachi, the Human Resources assistant manager, but most people talk to him only if they need something from Tobio.
He wonders if people stay away because he’s married to Kageyama Tobio, son of the company president.
Or if it’s because he’s married to Kageyama Tobio, a man.
I’m fine, Tadashi tells himself anyway. He works to earn a living, not to socialise and explain himself to people who do not matter.
Tadashi lives with Tobio in a penthouse in the heart of the city. Tadashi’s friends are envious and often remark on that fact. Sometimes, the house feels far too big for him, considering he’s practically the only one who lives there.
Tobio buys him extravagant gifts when he returns from his business trips. Branded coats, bags, watches and shoes.
What Tadashi wants is something more personal, but he accepts the gifts with a smile anyway. He dresses himself in the fine clothes Tobio has bought for him, and his friends comment innocently about how much his husband dotes on him.
I’m fine, Tadashi tells himself. He knows he should treasure his good life.
Tadashi dreams a lot about the past. He dreams about him and Tobio working late nights to beat deadlines. Him and Tobio spending their honeymoon in Hawaii. Him and Tobio cuddling and laughing at some dumb movie on TV.
And then he wakes up to the empty space where Tobio used to sleep.
I’m fine, he tries to convince himself through the hot tears. They may used to have a more carefree life back then, but he will not trade their union for anything else in the world.
Tadashi talks to his doctor about upping the dosage of his sleeping prescription medicine. His insomnia has only been getting worse.
The doctor refuses.
Tadashi sometimes thinks about taking an extra pill just so he can shut his mind at night and not think.
What stops him is the fear that he may never wake up the next morning, and make Tobio cry.
Tobio is having dinner with Tadashi, but his attention is on his phone. Tadashi’s attempts to start conversations are met with “hmm”s and “yeah”s, and not even his questions about work can pique Tobio’s interest.
Tadashi catches Tobio quirking a smile at his phone. He puts down his cutlery.
I’m right here, Tadashi has to remind him. Tobio is taken aback, and obediently puts his phone away.
Dinner continues in a silence that is almost deafening.
Tadashi has to do a double take. Tobio has posted a photo of him and Hinata, grinning like teenagers, on his Twitter account. It strikes Tadashi that he hasn’t seen Tobio smile so brilliantly in a long time, and that he hasn’t been able to make Tobio smile like that ever since they registered their union.
The realisation that Tobio’s doing perfectly all right, whether Tadashi is there or not, hits him like a ton of bricks.
He has to unfollow Tobio’s Twitter account to stop himself from going back to that photo. Tobio does not notice.
Yamaguchi Tadashi is not fine anymore. He has never been fine from the start.
Yachi’s advice to Yamaguchi is to talk to Kageyama. Yamaguchi thinks it impossible to engage a husband who is almost never around.
Tsukki, having seen the signs since two years ago, recommends divorce. Yamaguchi’s lingering affection for his husband keeps him from even considering that option.
Unable to make up his mind, Yamaguchi supposes that the pain is mostly his own fault.
Yamaguchi doesn’t dream anymore.
He pops enough sleeping pills to numb the pain, and help him sleep at night.
Yamaguchi dislikes drinking. He hates the taste of alcohol, and the possibility of losing control over one’s actions from inebriation is both embarrassing and bone-chilling.
He turns to drinking anyway, because he knows no other outlets.
He does not remember how he ended up in bed with Kageyama. He clings tightly to Kageyama, and the stench of alcohol on him rubs off on Kageyama’s sweaty body. Yamaguchi’s despair spills out from his lips as easily as the tears from his eyes.
“I’m not some pet bird you keep in a cage,” Yamaguchi’s voice warps from crying. “I love you but it hurts so much. I don’t know how long I can keep going like this.”
Kageyama holds him and kisses him like he used to, back when they were dating and in love.
Yamaguchi is convinced it is only the alcohol fooling him into thinking that.
Yamaguchi wakes up with a splitting headache and Kageyama’s arms around him.
He feels too ill to move away from Kageyama, though he has to pull himself away from the nostalgic - and not at all unpleasant - warmth of Kageyama’s embrace when his stomach makes its discomfort known.
He’s too hungover to give any thought to the fact that Kageyama spends the entire day looking after him. Kageyama has to fly off again tomorrow, so all his questions will have to wait.
It will take more than Yamaguchi’s drunken confession to fix the stress faults in their relationship, caused by the extended periods of time Kageyama has to spend away from Yamaguchi.
When Kageyama returns from his business trip, they sit down and have a long-overdue heart-to-heart.
Yamaguchi notices the little changes brought about by their conversation. Kageyama still has his business trips, but he makes every moment spent with Yamaguchi count.
Kageyama asks about his day now, when he was too busy to do so before. Yamaguchi feels bad that there is never much to tell him, but Kageyama is content to hear that he is doing all right.
Kageyama comes back from his trips, not with branded items as souvenirs, but with little trinkets that he says remind him of Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi is more than happy with the fact that Kageyama now shares with him anecdotes from his trips.
Of course, it is not a one-sided effort. Yamaguchi makes it a habit to send text messages to Kageyama every night, just to remind Kageyama and himself that he loves and cherishes him. Yamaguchi smiles with Kageyama when he laughs at a joke his co-workers send to him over the phone.
Yamaguchi remains cautiously optimistic. Change is easy to initiate but difficult to maintain.
Things will never go back to the way it was; to expect that would be foolish naivety, but they will learn to compromise.
Just last night, Tobio took the initiative to call him, to say that he loves him. When Tobio comes back home this Friday, they have plans to go out for dinner at Tobio’s favourite restaurant.
We’ll be fine, Kageyama Tadashi thinks, and for the first time in a very long while, he believes it.