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I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself for us. That’s the first thought that I have to your brave declaration. The worst thought. I’m nothing like you, Hoshina-san, though I’m trying to do my best.
Please don’t do anything rash.
I don’t know why I send the message. I don’t know why I make direct contact for the first time in weeks. You’re always on my mind as much as I’ve been avoiding it. You’re always making me question things and second guess myself. You should take all the credit for this meager distance that I’ve come.
Don’t jeopardize your dream of T-University now that it’s my dream as well.
My phone rings not long after. The group call ended as soon as Waguri-san chimed in. This is something that’s between her and Rintaro. It’s their problem to deal with. I’ll be their friend and offer my support, but I don’t see how I can solve it. I don’t have your unblinking determination. Still, I’ll always be in awe of it. You’ll never stop flooring me.
“Natsusawa-kun?”
“Yes?”
“What did that message mean?”
I’ve been working through an exam book with a pathetic lack of concentration. It’s not laziness, but so far nothing has really challenged me. Then crisis struck with Rintaro’s news: our deluded bubble has been burst like it inevitably would. You weren’t naïve enough to deny the possibility, just courageously foolish or foolishly courageous? I’m not sure which better fits.
A rueful laugh escapes. “Guess I was the one who acted rashly.”
“Why?”
“I’m worried about you.”
I can hear your breath catch. Do my words mean something? Do they carry enough weight? Having me by your side makes you feel at ease, so you once claimed. That wasn’t always the case. It’s not really the truth. I like to kick cold water on all of your misguided notions, to bring you back to reality. Not sure that I could still reach you with so much ocean between us. I put it there, I know.
“You care too much,” I say, “about your friends; about Waguri-san. Just please don’t forget about yourself.”
I try to picture your expression. The silence between us is tangible and dense. If you think I’m trying to be kind, you don’t know me well enough yet. I also have things that I want to protect.
“Natsusawa-kun?”
“Yeah?”
“When I saw you that day at the National Mock Exams, what you told me made me really happy. I thought you should know.”
Why do you keep saying things like this?
“That’s why I won’t let this come between us. I won’t act like you’re not precious people to me. You don’t have to worry.”
“I—”
Damn you, Hoshina-san.
“But thank you all the same.”
I haven’t said anything close to what I want to say, but somehow it feels like I’ve still made things harder for you. I don’t hear from you for the rest of summer break. There are messages in the group chat, planning and reassuring with the others, but it’s like we’re ships on divergent paths. I pray that we’ll make it to the same destination. I hope that I didn’t shift the tides irreversibly with my impulsiveness and selfish ways.
I leave school early for another mock exam, and you’re there at the gates as if you’re waiting for me.
I want to ignore you, but I’m incapable of looking away.
“How is this not rash?” I mutter quietly.
You smile, unadulterated. “How was I to know that a student from Chidori would be aiming for T-University as well?”
I keep walking. You stay by my side. I do not feel at ease.
“I wish I had prepared more,” you say, notes out and proximity no object as we sit together at the station. A row of empty benches, yet for some reason we are sharing the same one.
I type out a message:
What are you doing?
You answer me (several clumsy seconds later) with Something and a sticker of a dancing cat.
I mouth I love you (without hesitation) from behind the shield of my phone.