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Hoshina decides to take the first step.
Her sister’s words replay in her mind as she rides the train to cram school. Natsusawa is standing close by. The carriage is crowded and they must tilt their heads towards each other in order to be heard.
“Sorry I made you wait for me,” she says.
“It’s fine.”
“You could’ve caught an earlier train and avoided the rush—”
“Hoshina-san.” His voice is stern. His expression betrays warmth. “I said it’s fine.”
Ever since that day at the beach, she has not felt at ease being by his side. It was such a reckless statement, she still loses sleep from thinking about it. His eyes back then were not like this. There is so much there, a deep dark well. He must be conscious of things she was always oblivious of. She has taken a risk inviting him here but she is trying to return to some semblance of normal. Not normal, no, but different. New. She might hurt him but she has been hurting herself, living an existence cut off from the possibility of ever being close to a man.
Her sister said as much. There are good men in the world. There is pain from putting your heart on the line. There is a worse pain though and it’ll tear you up inside.
The carriage jerks from side to side, causing her to stumble. Natsusawa steadies her with a hand at her elbow then snatches it back like he’s been burned. Her heart catches. An extra beat or one missed. There’s no fear but a flood of memories. His shoulder brushing hers in a café as they studied. The controlled strength of his grip on her arm when he saved her from missing their stop. How he looked at her before. How he looks at her now.
“Sorry—”
“Don’t be,” she says. “Thank you for taking care of me.”
He swallows and glances down. There is an untold pain in his heart.
I’m the one who should be sorry, she thinks. Look at what I have done. What I keep doing to you. Having you by my side and neither of us can feel calm.
“Why did you agree to come with me?” she asks. The thought refuses to be silent. She must speak up for them both.
“I thought we’ve been through this?”
“I don’t mean the train. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong but it feels like you’re being different towards me. And not like when we first met.”
His eyes meet hers once more and the well is so deep, she could drown. “Hoshina-san, it’s nothing you’ve done.”
“I think that it is.”
They arrive at their station and must fight to disembark. She reaches for his arm in the chaos, fingers feebly latching onto a sleeve. He somehow manages to shield her from the worst of the crush. His back is still to her when they make it to the platform.
“Natsusawa-kun.”
“Yes?”
“After classes are over, would you give me more time?”
“Whatever you want,” he says and his shoulders sag, devoid of all energy to resist.
She lets him go but they don’t part ways. He follows her to the cram school complex, still not familiar with the terrain. Hidaka-kun meets them at the entrance. Glancing between them and somehow sensing the tension, he leaves with Natsusawa and nothing else said.
Hoshina cannot recall a thing she’s been taught over the next few hours. Her focus is on a problem of her own creation. One that cannot be solved with logic. An answer she must figure out for herself.
Natsusawa-kun is alone when she sees him again. His profile reminds her of how she found him after the first day of the mock exams. Except this time, it is her fault.
“Thanks for waiting,” she says.
“Where do you want to go?”
She guides him to the same café. It is winter but the inside is overly heated and they both take off their coats. Chidori and Kikyo uniforms on full display. Once enemies. Now something else. Something still so unexplainable, yet she must give it her best shot.
“You’re special to me,” she begins and he looks like he’s been stabbed. “It’s why I said what I did at the beach. It was thoughtless, I know, but I mean it—”
“Please stop.”
I can’t, she thinks. The tears start and won’t let up. “I hurt you, didn’t I? Out of ignorance, not that it’s an excuse. But that’s why it’s different. And you’re too kind to ever hold me to account.” She dries her eyes, voice clear at last. “You should, you know. Whatever you’ve got to say, I promise that I’m not going to break.”
“I am,” he says. Sharp and quiet. The knife twists and he bleeds. “Are you finished?”
“With what?”
“Whatever this is.”
“That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”
He laughs. “Good luck with that.” She feels like she’s been stabbed as well.
They finish their drinks, still nursing their wounds, with no more words to say. Natsusawa appears to be searching for an exit, desperate to escape. She should set him free. Release him from the burden that her damaged presence brings. He was brave and she was foolish. She doesn’t deserve what he has to offer. Whatever kind of love that it is.
But if I don’t take the leap now…
“Natsusawa-kun.”
“What is it?”
“Could you wait for me to love you?”
His face drops. Mouth open. Eyes wide and mostly pupil. His skin pales beneath the glow of strip lights.
“My sister happened to come home the other night and I ended up telling her all about you. It surprised her. To have me talk about a boy and not be sobbing in fear but because he means so much. And so, she gave me her usual big sisterly push. To be brave and to be honest in the way you’ve taught me to.” She bows her head. “Please be patient with me and accept this untrained heart.”
Natsusawa has a hand over his eyes when she finally raises her head.
“You really do say the most amazing things,” he says.
“I’ve been trying not to—”
He drags his hand down to cover his growing smile. “Please don’t ever stop.”