Chapter Text
PRECURE (WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OF US??)
Pinned Message:
Akira: If anyone sends another cursed AI-generated fairy fusion pic, I’m muting this chat for a week.
Minami: This includes the 'What if Coco and Mofurun had a baby' monstrosity.
Riko: It blinked. In 3D. I haven’t known peace since.
Uta: why did I wake up to 116 notifications and a 3-hour-long voice memo of Erika ranting about frilly socks
Erika: EXCUSE U THEY WERE CRIMINALLY UGLY
Erika: someone had to say it
Akane: bro who summoned Erika with the sock discourse again??
Komachi: It was Kurumi. As usual. With her 'avant-garde lolita fashion moodboard'.
Kurumi: IT WAS SATIRE
Ellen: okay but real talk
Ellen: why are we pretending Precure uniforms aren’t just magical idol costumes plus random fruit accessories
Riko: why is this chat just bullying with extra glitter
Lala: i think it’s a cultural thing, like Earthlings just cope with trauma using memes and hyperfixations
Hikaru: She’s not wrong.
Saki: guys help Mai drew a cursed fusion of Mipple and Mofurun and it's winking at me and now I don’t trust reality
Mai: it was an artistic experiment :’)
Minami: OK CAN WE MAKE A NEW RULE
Minami: NO MORE “ARTISTIC EXPERIMENTS” INVOLVING FAIRY DNA
Kirara: she's serious this time
Nagisa: god saki why can't you control your girlfriend
Saki: well fuck you too
Mai: GUYS GOOD NEWS I managed to splice chiffon’s DNA with mofurun’s tail fur
Mai: bad news- it now emits random lullaby frequencies that put people to sleep mid conversation
Kanade: girl i thought you were an artist since when did you become a genetic engineer?????
Mirai: okay but like can i have one for school
Riko: no.
Kotoha: mom no
Saki: NO YOU CAN’T SHE LET IT LOOSE IN OUR KITCHEN
Saki: my dad fell asleep in the fridge
Saki: genuinely thought I was hallucinating when I saw it purring
Ellen: love how no one is even pretending this chat is normal anymore this is just magical biopunk now
Karen: We need regulations
Karen: Where is the multiverse council??
Reika: Hello.
Rikka: hi.
Karen: Hello daughters.
Kurumi: Karen we are the council and the council has VIBES
Erika: vibes = fear
Erika: i’m not sleeping until mai promises to stop genetically fusing things with sparkle essence
Hibiki: you know shits bad when erika is afraid
Mai: ok but
Mai: what if
Mai: we fused Coco with a roomba
Nozomi: mai cmon
Saki: pls babe
Honoka: Please stop. You’re scaring the laws of physics.
Tsubomi: Erika’s already taped an ofuda to the microwave and put salt lines around the blender
Erika: I DON’T TRUST OUR KITCHEN ANYMORE
Erika: mai’s 'flufflings' keep making eye contact
Ichika: wait
Ichika: what’s a fluffling
Rin: Don’t. Ask.
Kokoro: you guys i just tried to record a dance video but my phone kept auto tracking this weird plush in the background
Kokoro: it kept WINKING
Nagisa: Can we just go back to normal magical girl problems like evil overlords and trauma bonding
Honoka: Agreed.
Aguri: Speak for yourself. I just got a Fluffling to write my essay. It speaks Latin and types with its tail.
Makoto: OH MY GOD STOP CALLING THEM THAT
Kirara: that name gives me psychological damage
Minami: If they unionize I’m defecting to the villains
Uta: they're not very Kirakilala :(
Lala: what if the flufflings evolve like those creepy little robots in that Earth anime
Lala: i for one welcome our plush overlords
Uta: who tf just tried to schedule a 6am 'bonding zoom'
Uta: it’s summer. i’m asleep until further notice.
Karen: That was me. Discipline builds character.
Akane: character can suck it i’m eating pizza rolls in bed
Itsuki: Ok so i just tried to make a meme and accidentally summoned a dark cloud. how do you unsummon a meme
Erika: you don’t
Erika: you vibe with it
Erika: and hope it doesn’t try to eat your phone battery
Nao: you all need structure. Order. Schedules.
Nagisa: we need therapy
Nao: that too.
Honoka: we need several therapists
Kurumi: we need a reality show
Kanade: we need a mute button for Erika
Erika: AND YET I PERSIST
Kokoro: guys be honest
Kokoro: how bad would it be if i performed a transformation sequence in the middle of a fountain for content
Nana: girl what
Nana: WE LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR FIVE MINUTES
Ellen: Depends. Did you already do it or are you just asking hypothetically?
Kokoro: well you see
Urara: WAS THAT YOU I SAW ONLINE
Kokoro: maybe
Kokoro: chaotic but iconic
Rikka: You literally caused a minor water crisis.
Rikka: There were ducks in the food court, Kokoro. Ducks.
Ako: wait ducks are cute tho
Erika: i for one would like to nominate kokoro for most dramatic entrance of the month, just edging out mai’s haunted glitter pigeon incident
Kanade: can i vote for myself actually
Kanade: i tripped over my transformation heels yesterday and faceplanted in front of Hibiki
Kanade: and she hasn’t stopped snickering
Hibiki: YOU SLID LIKE A CARTOON BANANA PEEL I’M SORRY
Ako: not to be controversial but transformation heels are a scam i’m bringing back combat boots
Rikka: Yes but if I wear combat boots, I’ll start kicking villains with feeling
Rikka: and Mana said I’m 'too emotionally charged already'
Mana: you threw a chair once AT YOURSELF
Rikka: it was a metaphor
Alice: Are we just never going to talk about that cursed poll someone made this morning.
Aoi: what cursed poll
Yukari: 'Which Precure would survive a horror movie and who dies first'
Himari: not to mention it includes full on cause of death explanations
Ako: why was i ranked #1 survivor and also described as 'probably stabbed the killer and then took their place out of spite'
Ako: I'M NINE GUYS PLEASE
Ako: NOT EVEN IN MY DOUBLE DIGITS
Ellen: ...it's accurate tho?
Ako: HOW
Ako: I'M A NINE YEAR OLD CHILD
Akira: just realised that there are kids in here should we be swearing that much
Nagisa: oh yeah
Kanade: they gave me 'dies because she went back for cake' wtf
Ichika: same :(
Nana: i was marked 'dies offscreen but dramatically'
Nana: idk if that’s insulting or cinematic
Uta: cinematic. very aesthetic
Erika: they said I die because I try to take a selfie with the ghost which is ALSO fair
Akira: Why did I get 'betrayed by a cat' though.
Ciel: oop
Yukari: oh??
Yukari: well I assure you I'm not a part of anything
Yayoi: O.O
Honoka: Maybe we should stop here.