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I’m falling. In the depths, the darkest, deepest abyss, I’m falling. Whenever I see the slightest hint of light, I realize it’s nothing but a mirage, a figment of my ailing mind as it tries to cling onto something I cannot grasp. As I try, desperately try, to look into something I can’t see, to hold onto something I can’t touch, to love someone I cannot reach.
I’m running. In the forever looping hallways of that school, I’m running. I hit a wall. I hit glass. I hurt. I bleed. I break. I keep running. I’ll never stop. Not until I reach it. I don’t know what it is, but I know it will save me. I know it will make everything worth it. I know it will close up my open wounds, heal my scars, staunch my bleeding. I know that at the tail end of this race, I will be the winner.
But it never stops.
I can never stop running.
Back when she made me promise, I ran away.
When she wanted to know the truth, I ran away.
Even now, now that she knows…I still ran away.
I’ll always run. No matter what, I’ll always be a coward.
I wish I could disappear –
…
Mizuki’s eyes groggily opened to notice an unfamiliar ceiling over her head, as well as the misty residue of tears beneath her eyelids. That’s right, she was…not running from anything. She was here, in Kanade’s house. The four members of Nightcord at 25:00 had decided to shift the locale of one of their post-release after parties to a sleepover at the biggest, most available house any of them had, namely their white-haired composer’s.
They had partied late into the night, with an assortment of board games, movies, snacks and plenty of other things to keep them entertained. In the end though, and despite their unit’s usual resilience to physical fatigue, sleepiness had caught up with all of them progressively. Mafuyu was the first to fall, shockingly enough, and Kanade made sure to tuck her into bed and go to sleep herself. For this night’s arrangements, they would both stay in Kanade’s room, while Ena and Mizuki would share the guest room allocated to Mafuyu.
The prospect of sharing a room, albeit with two separate beds, obviously came with some mild reservations on Mizuki’s part. Reservations that all three, but especially Ena, made sure to do their best in dispelling. At the end of the day, her friends did not see or treat her any differently than they had before. Mizuki was Mizuki. She was still the same girl that played pranks and tricks, that took them to clothing shops, that annoyed Ena relentlessly for fun.
She was still…their precious friend. She had made it. She finally felt like she could watch the cherry blossoms with renewed hope in her heart.
But then, why did her dreams still have to torment her so?
She should have been fine, she was fine, everything was okay. There was no longer any need to worry about what people would say, or what her friends would think. When Ena held her hands that day and reassured her that she would never leave her side, that everyone at Nightcord would stay with her, it took away the weight that had slowly been crushing Mizuki’s heart for years. And that should have been it. A hug, words of affection, and release!
But every so often, Mizuki would lie awake at night after yet another nightmare revolving around those events. She would see herself run. Run away from Ena, from everyone else. She would see herself crash, fall, burn, break. She would see herself disappear progressively until nothing of her remained, not even the memory.
She didn’t want this. She didn’t want to disappear.
By now, the misty residue had left its place for real tears to resurface, and choked sobs moved painfully through the pink-haired girl’s body. She was crying. Out of fear of losing what she had finally gained. Out of frustration for being unable to hold onto the happiness she was being given. Out of grief for the years she had lost keeping her secrets.
Mizuki was crying as silently as she could, in the darkness of a room that belonged to no one anymore – just like how she still couldn’t belong anywhere.
“Mizu…ki?”
A faint whisper echoed across the room, from one futon to the other. It was hard to see or distinguish anything in the dark, especially through the tears, but it would seem Ena was now just as asleep as Mizuki was. Not.
“H-Huh? Oh, Ena. Sorry if I woke you up, is everything okay?”
“Shouldn’t I…be asking that?” Her voice came out tired and groggy, understandable for someone who had just woken up. But there was also an unmistakable tinge of worry that didn’t fail to make Mizuki feel slightly happy, and very guilty.
The only way Mizuki could answer was with silence. Painful, teeth-clenching silence that bore away into her heart. She had done everything right. She had opened herself up to her friends, admitted her secrets, grasped the hands they held towards her–
So she had no reason to cry right now. She had no right to burden Ena further than she already so selfishly had. She should have been happy. Therefore, it only made sense to act happy.
“Hehe, you’re such a worrywart Enanan~” It hurt. “Go back to sleep, ‘kay?” It hurt so much. “I’m so excited for tomorrow.” It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. It felt like a hand was crushing her heart with each forced smile, with each failed attempt at convincing herself that she felt fine, with each sickly saccharine show of false happiness she could muster.
On one hand, Mizuki dearly hoped that she wasn’t making it obvious, but on the other…
Please…
She desperately wanted Ena to notice what was wrong.
“Mizuki, you’re…such an awful liar.”
Before she knew it, soft arms enveloped Mizuki whole, filling her sad little head with confusion, worry, relief and joy in this exact order. While she had been lost in her own thoughts, Ena had fully covered the small distance that separated them, only to embrace her precious friend as soon as she was done talking. It was so unfair. How easily Ena could pierce through the veil of her lies now.
“I’m…sorry.”
Mizuki’s first urge was to apologize, and with the dam inside her truly shattered, she did so tearfully, painfully. Even then, she was doing her best to keep her voice down, so as to not damage the silence of the night, or worse, wake the homeowner and her roommate. And so, she cried. Silently. Each sob breaking through her like earthquakes shaking the land. Yet Ena didn’t move an inch. She tenderly, kindly held onto the taller girl, who seemed so small and fragile in her arms, with no intention of ever letting her go.
“I’m here, Mizuki. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to hold anything back, okay?”
“B-But I…I should be happy, but I still– I still..!”
“You still see the same nightmares, don’t you?”
This time, Mizuki couldn’t hide her shock, and when she looked up, her messy, tear-filled face met Ena’s own chagrin. She was crying too.
“Wait, do you–”
“Ever since you left. Even after you came back. They…never stopped. The nightmares, I mean.”
She didn’t even have to think about it. Mizuki immediately brought her own arms around Ena’s trembling back and embraced her. She squeezed and hugged hard enough to even get a slight wheezing noise out of the poor brunette.
“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry Ena!”
“It’s not your fault silly…”
“Except it is! If I…if only I didn’t run away…if only I–”
But Mizuki’s next words never came. As the arms around her tightened their hold, she was completely pushed into her friend’s collarbone, unable to speak, unable to protest, unable to resist the warmth that subsumed her whole.
“Shush. We talked about this already, you were scared… And I– I could have done better too.”
The girl in her arms tried to free herself once more so she could rebuke the statement, but it was hopeless. In truth, if she could, she never wanted to leave this warm little haven ever again.
Ena’s hand soon came to gently brush the long, pink bed of hair, slightly ruffled from the sleepless night. She caressed her gently, like a scared little kitten, going up and down, up and down, until Mizuki could physically feel herself grow calmer. Until her tears slowly subsided, and her heart quickly grew warmer.
“Ena…”
Finding a tiny pocket of air in the hold, Mizuki whispered her precious friend’s name, not quite knowing what to say now that the pain in her tired mind was slowly being replaced by comfort and affection.
“Mizuki, I’m never going to leave your side. Got that?”
Despite the swelling under her eyes making it obvious she was still on the verge of crying, Ena’s smile pierced even through the relative darkness of the room. It also pierced right through the doom and gloom of Mizuki’s heart.
Just as it had done that day, under the setting sun, when they held each other’s hands and made a new promise.
“Hmhm…got that.” And in turn, twisting her head ever so slightly so she could look up towards the brunette, Mizuki smiled too. A fragile, vulnerable smile that threatened to break at the slightest impact. But she knew it would be safe, so long as Ena was there to protect it.
To protect her.
“Ena..?”
“Yes, Mizuki?”
“I…really love you.”
…
“Wha–” But before Ena could say literally anything else to this verbal sledgehammer slammed against her face, she realized all tension had unwound from the body she was holding onto. Mizuki had fallen asleep. Right after…saying that.
You have. Got to be kidding me.
Frustration, embarrassment, shock, but ultimately relief fueled Ena’s whole being. Despite how much she wanted to shake the silly idiot awake and ask for clarification, the simple fact of the matter was, she was finally relaxed enough to fall back asleep after her nightly terror. And that would be enough for Ena.
For now.
“You really are…so unbelievable…”
Her hand absent-mindedly brushed off a strand of hair from the taller girl’s face, fully unveiling her peaceful, serene traits under the very subtle light of the moon peeking in through the curtains.
She’s…so beautiful.
Ena felt her cheeks redden with annoying warmth, unable to hide the love she had constantly kept in check. Fortunately, no one was there to witness it, and that peeping moon would be the only one there to acknowledge just how enamored she truly was.
“So unfair. Just…so unfair.”
Complaining to no one but herself, and seeing as she wouldn’t be able to leave Mizuki’s stranglehold without waking her, Ena resigned herself – slightly gleefully – to stay in the same futon, embracing the sleeping girl and slipping beneath the covers before she herself could journey back to dreamland.
She was still a little scared. The nightmare that woke her up – memories of that day repeating in loop, trapping her endlessly – was by no means an easy one to let go of. But with Mizuki’s silent breathing right by her side, her pulse right on top of hers, and her warmth right around her, Ena figured she would finally be able to get a good night’s sleep.
After all, she had found her.
…
“I’m really sorry Kanade, I forgot to turn off my regular alarm.”
The lethargic composer stifled a badly timed yawn and answered her purple-haired friend with nothing but kindness in her voice. “It’s okay, it just means we have some time to prepare breakfast before the others wake up.”
“Hmhm. I’ll see what we have in the kitchen. Can you check up on them? I wouldn’t be surprised if Ena was already awake but twiddling with her phone.”
“Hehe, I’m sure they’re both still asleep, but I can check anyway.”
Still a little groggy but determined, Kanade took quiet steps towards their guest room, while Mafuyu watched as she disappeared behind a corner. Her own mind was also a little slow on the uptake this morning, and forgetting to turn off her school alarm on their day-off was a fatal mistake she dearly regretted. But the show had to go on, so long as she found enough food to make breakfast for four.
However, before she could do much of anything, her diminutive little roommate immediately came back to her, a strange haste in her steps, and an obvious blush constellating her pale face.
“What’s wrong, are they still asleep?”
“Y-Yes, they are… Um…nothing’s wrong. It’s good, it’s fine.”
“You’re acting strange. I’ll go take a look.”
“W-Wait–”
But before Kanade could protest any further, Mafuyu’s confident steps took her right on the guest room’s doorstep. Slowly, carefully, she pushed it open and saw–
“Oh. Now I understand.”
“L-Let’s just let them rest…”
“Indeed. Good for them.”
“Hehe…yeah, good for them…”
As they closed the door, the two girls behind it were fast asleep, holding each other with content smiles on their faces. One had to wonder what kind of dream they were having to look so relieved and happy.
Perhaps, they were sharing the same, hopeful dream of tomorrow.