Work Text:
When Fox Mulder was 8 years old, he pulled off a dress his mom made him wear to the family Christmas with such force that it ripped irreparably. He’d just hit a growth spurt, and there were no other formal clothes in the house that fit him. Luckily, William Mulder was a man of punctuality, and they were running early. So the family loaded up into the car, Fox still in his pajamas, and they stopped at a department store on the way to William’s brother’s house.
As they pulled into the parking lot, Teena Mulder hastily leapt out of the car with Fox, leaving her husband to watch Samantha, and dragged what she still perceived to be her daughter into the store.
They dashed down each aisle, but Christmas shopping had left most of the racks bare. The only thing even in Fox’s size was a pair of corduroy pants and a sweater, but preferring that option to pajamas, they checked out and stopped in the bathroom so Fox could get changed.
Waiting outside the stall, Teena called out a name that she’d chosen, 8 years, prior, for her first child. Fox responded, and popped out of the stall, ready to go and beaming wide. Teena couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen her child so happy.
When they got back into the car, William looked his child up and down. Teena began to explain that they’d been all out of girl’s clothes, but William held up a hand to stop her. “She’s happy. So I’m happy.”
A week later, there was a fox running around in the Mulders’ backyard all morning, and their eldest had to be convinced not to chase it down. He agreed, but in exchange, he requested to be called Fox, and to get a haircut.
---
Honestly, Mulder found himself jealous of this person they were hunting. If he’d just been able to change his gender and appearance at will, his life would have been a hell of a lot easier.
The moment Mulder realized what they were hunting had the ability to switch genders like that, he got a sneaking suspicion that this case was going to be an issue for him. He didn’t believe any secrets would escape in any large-scale way; his father’s connections at the state department put all of his FBI records in order the moment Mulder decided to apply to the Bureau. Rather, he was scared he’d accidentally say something that could give it up to his partner. Dana Scully may not have been a trained psychologist, but she was just as observant as any agent of her caliber. Mulder had lived his whole life with this, and he’d grown used to the way he’d have to lie or dodge questions. But with Scully, he was always fighting the instinct to tell her everything. He wanted her to know, just as much as he knew the risk.
He wasn’t fully sure how she’d react. Scully was educated, practical, and trusted Mulder. She’d started to come around on a lot of the paranormal and extraterrestrial theories he had, which was a good sign. But for some reason, the idea of alien life forms felt like an easier pill to swallow than finding out your partner wasn’t who he seemed.
---
Standing in that field, tall grass whipping at his slacks, their case wholly unresolved but fully explained, Mulder knew he had to tell Scully. He looked at her now, face reflecting her trying to rationalize the flattened grass around them. She deserved the truth. That’s what they were always looking for, always hoping to uncover. The truth .
Not infrequently, Mulder wondered to himself if he and Scully could ever be more . He would allow himself to pretend that he’d been born in the body he wanted, and that he could throw caution to the wind and romance his partner. Eventually he’d snap back to reality and remember they have a job to do. But yes, he let his mind wander. After all, he wasn’t blind, his partner was one of the most beautiful women he’d ever seen. But she was still his partner, and more importantly, she was the closest thing he could equate to a best friend. She was the only person in years Mulder had even thought for a moment he could trust with the truth. And so here he was, about to bare his soul.
“Scully, I need to talk to you.”
Her head snapped to him, and he could immediately tell by how fast her face softened that she could see the sincerity in his eyes.
But suddenly the sound of stomping boots picked up, meaning the cavalry was making their way to them to investigate. It would have to wait.
---
The drive back to D.C. should have been a perfect time, and the weight of Mulder’s incoming confession made every second feel strained. Scully was waiting for him to say what he needed to, he could feel it. The thoughts and fears running through his head wouldn’t make a lick of sense to anyone that hadn’t been in his shoes, a flurry of is it worth it? and will she hate me forever? and will she tell the bureau and end my career? . Each thought was followed by a glance at Scully in the passenger seat, where she was either staring out the window, looking back at him sympathetically, or dozing off. The car was confined, and part of Mulder wanted the option to bolt the second the words left his mouth. And that part kept him quiet, saying nothing until the door to his office was shut behind them hours later.
Scully set her coat and bag down before turning promptly around. “So, Mulder, what is it?”
“Hm?” It was in his nature to avoid this topic. Even if he really did want to get it out.
“I’ve never heard you so silent before, especially after a case like that one. You were avoiding whatever you said you needed to talk to me about, even though we had hours in that car.” She pulled her chair around and sat down. Maybe it was unconsciously, and she just wanted to sit. Maybe she was trying to appear less threatening. Either way, Mulder’s heart was beating too fast for him to sit down and join her.
He took a deep breath, trying to steady his shaking hands. “This case, it struck me in a particular way.”
“Okay..? What about this case? The whole cult aspect was certainly weird, with them all just vanishing like that.”
Mulder laughed to himself, a small chuckle just for himself. “No, actually, the cult part had nothing to do with it.”
Scully tilted her head in curiosity, but didn’t interject.
“It was the changing genders aspect of the killer. It's sort of…” Mulder trailed off, losing his words. He was going about this all wrong.
“You know how I don’t like my first name?”
The subject change took Scully by surprise, but she followed. “Yes?”
“When I was 8, I hated my name. Felt it didn’t suit me at all. But one day, there was a fox running around my yard, jumping and playing and having what looked like the time of its life. I wanted to be that fox. So I told my mom, and my dad, and my sister, all to call me Fox. My sister agreed first, and my parents went with it.”
Scully paused for a moment, taking the anecdote in. “You legally changed your name to your childhood nickname?”
Another sharp inhale. “Not quite.” Mulder looked down at his feet, the scuffed dress shoes and dirty pant cuffs, remnants of the Massachusetts woods. “Fox was my name. I switched districts for middle school, and had everyone call me Fox. Before I moved to England for college, I legally changed my name to Fox, and with some help from my dad in the State Department, I legally changed my gender too.”
Scully’s silence drew Mulder’s gaze from the floor. She was staring at him, her eyes almost calculating. He felt pinned, he couldn’t move.
“So you changed genders, had free pick of any name in the world, and chose Fox ? A name you now despise?”
What? That’s her takeaway? “Uh...yeah? It felt wrong to change it, and at that point I still kind of liked it. I didn’t really start to hate it until later in college when people started to make fun of it. And Samantha always loved it, it was what she knew me as. So it was who I really was.”
The silence stewed further, and even though Scully hadn’t stormed out of the office to tell the entire FBI that Mulder was transgender, panic was still flooding every part of him. “You don’t mind that I was a girl?”
Scully stood, taking a few steps closer. When she spoke her voice was hushed and kind, “You’re my partner, Mulder. As long as I can still trust you with my life, I really don’t care.”
Mulder smiled, wide and bright.
“I mean, I do care. ”
The smile dropped immediately.
“No, not like that. I don’t mind, at all. But I care about you, Mulder. And obviously something like that is a huge part of your life that until now you’ve kept to yourself within the walls of this building. So, I care. If you ever need to talk about it, I care. I don’t know what you do or have done medically, but if you ever need help, I’m here, in a doctor capacity, or as a friend. I’m here for you.”
Mulder couldn’t stop himself in a million years, he wrapped his arms around his partner and held her tight. He buried his face in the top of her head, breathing in. “You’re amazing, Scully. You’re perfect.”
Her arms wound around his waist, holding him close. They both stayed there for a moment, not wanting to let go. When they did eventually pull back, only slightly, Mulder looked down at his partner, all the love he had for her in its indeterminate variety plainly obvious on his face. He reached up, pushing some of her hair back behind her ear, and holding her face for a moment before extracting himself fully.
They moved in comfortable silence for a moment, gathering belongings and getting ready to head back to their respective apartments. Mulder made for the door, but paused for a moment. “Thank you, Scully. For being so accepting.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Mulder.” She put a comforting hand on his arm. “I’ll always accept who you are, with open arms.”
Mulder turned around, back to the door. He almost felt stupid for how much he had panicked. “A tiny part of me thought you’d think I was a freak. A girl pretending to be a boy.”
Scully’s face twisted, shocked. “Mulder, I-”
“No, no, no, it’s not you. I expect everyone to think that. It’s usually better for me to be cautious than to expect acceptance.” Mulder leaned back, letting the door support him as he let the stress of the day leave his body.
“You deserve better than that. Constant anxiety is exhausting.” Scully reached down, squeezing Mulder’s hand before letting go. “I know this doesn’t even begin to make up for it, but I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I’m sorry if I caused any of that.”
“Actually Scully, you’ve made me feel safer than I have in years.”
Scully smiled, putting her hand back on his arm. “Would you like to get a drink? Relax a bit?” The look in her eyes conveyed something, something Mulder hadn’t yet been on the receiving end of. It looked almost like intent.
“I have beers at my place. I don’t think I’m up for a bar, not after today.” If she could play the coy flirting game, so could he.
“Then your place it is.” She reached around him to grab the door handle. “That is, if you’ll let us leave.”
Mulder snapped to action and jumped away, lost in how this day began and how it was now ending. “Right.”
Scully opened the door, and Mulder practically scrambled to follow her. Sure, this secret would still weigh on him most of the time, following him like an incessant shadow. But when he was with Scully, that weight felt a little lighter and that shadow followed at little further of a distance.