Chapter Text
5 years ago.
December 17th.
A brisk gust of wind blows past Isagi, sending snowflakes scattering around him in a fitful, frosty dance. As he waits for the bus, his final transfer before his last stop, he tucks his gloved hands into his pockets and bounces his knees to try and keep himself warm.
It isn't too cold a day, but the wind is making the winter air pierce through his layers a lot more viciously than it normally would. Halos of frozen, ethereal streetlights dot the sides of the street down into the distance, where the veil of snow eventually snuffs them all out of existence. As he waits, his eye finally catches on the sight of the bus he's been waiting for now heading his way.
Once the bus stops at his stop, he hops onto it, shows his transit pass, and sits down in the very back of the elongated public transit vehicle. As the bus pulls away from the curb, he yanks his gloves off and checks his phone again, rereading the texts he'd exchanged with Rin the previous day.
Rin's invitation to meet him at this lookout had been sudden and cryptic, and although it's not like Rin isn't pretty much always a cryptic sort of person, this had been especially cryptic even for him. Still, they'd been dating for almost a year now and had just entered their last year of high school, so cryptic invitations to meet with the person he's dating is still an apt way to spend his time before the chaos of the holiday season overtakes the rest of his time.
When Isagi gets off the bus, he starts walking over to the pin Rin had dropped for him. Due to the time of year, it's not very late in the day but already quite dark. He thinks if his parents knew if he was walking off and out to this secret lookout in the dark like this, they'd probably scoff and give him a good lecture about keeping yourself safe—the thought makes him grin to himself as he plods through the snow, pushing through the blizzard that's raging on around him. When he finally spots Rin, who's standing with his back facing away from him, his smile widens and his strides lengthen with excitement.
It doesn't take him very long before he reaches Rin's side. When he does, he looks out at the view spread beyond them: blots of colored lights, all different shapes, sizes, and varying brightness, some flickering and some holding steady illumination, all work together to form a brilliant winter tapestry, shining despite the curtain of pale white snowflakes that swirl on around them.
"Beautiful...!" Isagi whispers in awe.
"I used to come here alone a lot," Rin replies, equally as quietly as Isagi's breathless whisper had been, "When my parents were fighting and stuff. Nobody ever thinks to go looking for people up here."
"I'm glad we could meet here. I'll probably be pretty busy these next couple of weeks..." Isagi pauses, watching carefully as Rin unfurls his scarf from around his neck. He stands in place, deathly silent and barely moving, while Rin wraps his scarf around his neck.
He's already wearing a scarf, so he doesn't really understand why Rin does this. With his breaths forming puffs of icy clouds around his face, he examines Rin's scarf quietly.
"Um... Thanks? What's this for?" he asks apprehensively, a nervous smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
"You looked cold," Rin responds, almost a bit deadpan, with his icy gaze fixed on the distant cityscape panned out below them.
Isagi responds by removing his own scarf from his neck while Rin's attention is still beyond, and when Rin seems to flicker his gaze sideways, he wraps his scarf around Rin's neck in kind. Rin touches a hand on the fabric of Isagi's scarf... It doesn't really suit him if Isagi is honest with himself. It's a bit comfier and cuter looking than the sleek and stylish sort of scarf Rin had given him, but still; it's a scarf for a scarf, much like it had been a heart for a heart this past year they'd dated.
"You looked cold," Isagi repeats what Rin had said earlier cheekily, with a soft little smile that betrays their frosty winter surroundings, "Y'know, without a scarf and all that."
"Very funny," Rin mumbles sarcastically, although he does seem to accept the mutual return of Isagi's scarf by pulling it tighter around his neck.
The two shuffle in a little bit closer. Isagi ties his arm around Rin's, and together, they turn their attention back down to the city lookout to enjoy their time spent together. When the winter storm begins to intensify and the temperature drops, they huddle into eachother's body heat.
Rin hadn't been an easy one to crack. In fact, the two had met in the beginning of their first year of high school, and Isagi had spent most of his past two years since then trying to win Rin over. It had taken him forever to finally get up the courage to ask for Rin's number (under the pretense of only wanting to study, of course), and what felt like ages more after that for him to navigate how he feels about Rin. If he's being honest with himself, Rin had been for him what many teenagers would consider their gay awakening. Except Isagi realizing he had a crush on Rin had felt like less of some glamorous awakening and more like a homosexual-themed train wreck happening around him in slow motion. It had been an excruciating, embarrassing ordeal, with many of his nights drafting texts that he would later delete, overthinking himself into oblivion about absolutely anything he said or did around Rin, and many weekends spent wishing he could spend them with this one person, but instead spending them only doing just that. Just wishing,and never acting.
Isagi had set a goal for himself since he'd realized his feelings for Rin. He wanted, by the end of their first year in high school, to make sure Rin knew how he felt, even if nothing ever came of those feelings. It'd taken him a while to muster up the courage to confront Rin, and when he finally did, after extensive awkward humming and hawing, Isagi had finally just blurted out how he felt after class one day. Without any expectations, without realizing that Rin had also been struggling with how he felt about Isagi since they'd met, too, the two would start dating more seriously that summer. What had started as only a silly summer time romance had began to blossom into something more. The two teenagers, both equally as inexperienced in the matters of love, would slowly end up falling for eachother.
That winter, with the changing of seasons, their feelings would grow into something more vast and beautiful than either of them could have ever imagined. In the midst of some sweet late-night texts or phone calls, a couple of hand-in-hand strolls to watch the autumn leaves turn from greens to yellows, oranges, and reds, and then later a couple of snow fights—they would find themselves ending up at the top of a hill, gazing out at a blizzard-obscured show of lights, that somehow looked more beautiful because they were there together. And at the end of their journey toward realizing they had both fallen in love, after they exchanged scarves, Isagi would lean into Rin's shoulder and whisper three tender words into Rin's waiting ear:
"I love you."
This was the end of what was simply two teenagers exploring their new-found feelings, the end of what could be called puppy love. There, at the end of the innocent type of love they'd started out with, was the beginning of the true maturation of their feelings. The beginning of a cultivation of a deep, intense emotional connection that they both knew they'd had for a while now.
That night would mark the starting point they'd undertake toward a journey, the opening of their hearts to an explicit vulnerability that existed in something beyond just holding hands, exchanging cute texts, or laying eachother's heads in eachother's laps.
In the thick of the storm, with Isagi's scarf hugged tight around Rin's neck, with the whiteout glitter of the windswept snow feeling all the more beautiful because of what Isagi had just said to him, Rin would reply with a simple "I love you, too."
The next year would be a beautiful one, with feelings growing and growing beyond a measure either of them had even realized was possible. They'd learn more about eachother, and grow to discover solace in not only falling deeper in love, but also in foraging a closer and deeper bond. Isagi and Rin would introduce eachother to their respective families, although this would go a bit better for Isagi than it did for Rin. Isagi would console Rin after his parents reacted poorly for him coming out of the closet. Later on, Isagi would learn a lot more about the person he'd grow to call his partner. Beneath Rin's collected, stoic exterior, Isagi would begin to see the unfolding vulnerability that Rin seemed to try and hide from everyone else. Rin would open up to Isagi about his rocky relationship with his parents, his older brother, and even with how he struggled to move on after his brother moved to another country. The two would bond deeper in finding comfort like this, in opening their hearts up to eachother. They would become eachother's first lovers, and later on, eachother's best friends, too.
The year would be a notable one for the both of them, and at the end of their third year in high school, following their graduation, they would meet up at the same lookout Isagi had confessed to Rin at, only this time things would go much differently for them.
*
This time when they meet at the lookout, it's late fall. The view is equally as beautiful as it had been the previous winter, but in a very different way. Bold splashes of red, orange, and yellow leaves explode vibrantly along streets far and wide. It's also daytime, not nighttime, so the lights don't really stand out in the sunbathed streets as much as they had before.
Graduation is a busy time of life for a young man, and as such, they hadn't seen eachother for a couple of weeks. It really had been a bit difficult for the both of them, but still, they'd managed the separation by texting almost every hour of every day they couldn't meet in person.
Isagi snuggles into Rin's shoulder, smiling out at the beautiful autumn view from their lookout. Since the first time they'd met out here, they'd been back over ten times. This place had sort of become their place. A place where they laughed together, talked together, and one time Isagi even fell asleep in Rin's lap because he'd been so tired that day. This was a place they'd made many memories at together. And today, they'll be making yet another memory here at the very same place.
A breeze blows between them, this one a bit chilling. Isagi had finished telling Rin about his week following graduation, and about how he'd begun the application process for his dream university, which is located in the city about an hour and a half from his home by bus ride. Rin had only hummed along, though he remains persistently quiet, Isagi knows he's always been a better listener than a talker. Once Isagi finishes his excited rambling, he then asks Rin: "So, have you applied to any universities?"
Rin's eyes narrow, the cool-toned aquas of his pupils swimming with an indiscernible emotion.
"Yeah," he replies with an eerie calm, "A few."
"Nice! Where at?"
Rin purses his lips, as if he's uncertain about whether or not he wants to reply. Isagi then begins to have a thought that something about the mood in this situation feels a bit sad. After a pause, he says, "Rin?" as if to affirm whether or not Rin is still standing right here beside him.
"Yeah. Uh... About that. I applied to three separate universities, and all of them are..." Rin hesitates, and now Isagi definitely knows something is wrong, "All of them are far. Actually, two of them are in other countries."
"Oh..." Isagi replies vacantly, unsure of how he should feel in this moment. Rin had just told him that he... Has basically planned on moving away no matter what.
"Well that's okay. No matter where you go, we'll always be together. I'll call you every day, I promise!"
Isagi's trying to be positive, but Rin's expression only seems to dampen at his sunny reply. Now Isagi definitely knows something is wrong, and he grabs at Rin's hand, squeezing it tight, feeling deathly afraid of what he somehow knows is coming for him next.
"Don't be naive. That's not how this is going to go and you know it, Isagi." Rin's reply is straightforward, blunt, and true to his nature, a bit cold, but Isagi isn't a fool. He isn't insecure. And he definitely isn't weak enough to let this bother him.
"It can. A lot of people stay in long-distance relationships after graduation! I think if we really try, we can—"
"No." Rin's voice, ice-cold and stern, splits into Isagi's mild panic like a knife through butter. And just like that, everything is beginning to fall apart around him.
"I think we should break up." Rin says with an indescribable, soul-crushing strength.
Rin gets straight to the point, no lovey-dovey talk, no leading Isagi on. He can't decide if this hurts him more or makes things go a bit easier. Isagi wants to say something, but his lips only hang open the slightest bit as the words strangle in the back of his throat uselessly. Truthfully, although he's a strong-hearted person, he tends to be a bit sensitive when it comes to emotional vulnerability.
Not only is Rin his first love, he's also now just become his first encounter with heartbreak, too.
The two would go their separate ways that day. In the ensuing weeks, Isagi would shut himself away in his room. He wouldn't speak a word about the breakup for a long time to anyone, not even to his parents. This experience with love would shape him in ways he never thought he'd ever be shaped. Uncomfortable days would grow into painful weeks, which eventually became excruciating years. And after three years, after total air-silence from Rin, after agonizing extensively over the person he thought would never leave him, after completely moving on with his life, Isagi would receive a single text from this person who is now his distant ex-boyfriend. A person he'd long since believed he'd buried in his past, who would now mysteriously attempt to re-enter his life after totally destroying it three years prior. The text that would, in that moment, completely alter his life and begin to reconstruct his brain, would simply read:
Rin: hey