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"I saw your green hair, beauty mark next to your mouth"
"There on the subway, I nearly had a meltdown"
♫
There are many ghosts that haunt Seulgi, they follow her like lost souls and she sees them everywhere. It’s burying, exhausting, and difficult. She sees them in every corner and place she goes, the silhouette of a girl, long jet-black hair, hair neatly tied in a ponytail, and the unmistakable green uniform.
On the street, sometimes the ghost becomes more real, as if her damaged mind enjoyed mocking her, because there are days when she truly feels a girl pass by her on a skateboard, only to evaporate before her eyes, leaving behind a numbing sensation all over her body.
—Are you alright, dear? —The question from an ajumma pulls her out of her hallucination. An elderly woman approaches her, her face full of wrinkles that reflect years of exhaustion and white hair like cotton.
She knows that everything about her must reflect bitterness and sadness for grandmothers to approach her with concern and kindness in their voices. This happens more and more often.
Seulgi wants to smile, but she knows she fails. At most, her face will only show how the corner of her mouth forms a thin line on her lips. —I am. (I’m not, I miss her.) —at least her voice doesn’t falter.
The ajumma gives her a few gentle taps on the shoulder, tells her that a girl like her shouldn’t wander alone, and sends her home—only to disappear with slow steps.
And Seulgi is left alone again in the middle of the park. She stays sitting on the bleachers a little longer, not knowing why. At first, she did it hoping to see her again, but that was until her mind started imagining her, and the habit made her keep coming back—only to see the ghost her mind evoked out of pure yearning.
Time blurs; when the ajumma found her, the sun was setting, and now the sky is dark and full of stars. She doesn’t want to go home, just a little longer, maybe until her brain reproduces the hallucination again, giving her a reason to come back in a couple of days.
Then something different happens—her eyes catch a real image, a tall girl wearing a cap and face mask, a blue jacket, skating by.
She gets up from her spot with her heart flipping inside her chest and an uncomfortable emptiness in her stomach. Her hands tremble for a few moments, and she wants to move. Her mind screams at her to approach, to hurry, to catch up, but her legs don’t respond—they feel so shaky that with the slightest step she could collapse right there.
When she manages to take a step forward, the scene changes; a boy approaches the girl and hugs her from behind. The boy takes off her cap, only to reveal her hair—it’s short and curly, nothing like what she was looking for. The girl just looks at the boy affectionately, and the bubble that encapsulated Seulgi bursts.
She decides to go back home.
.
"A few weeks later, somebody wore your perfume"
"It almost killed me, I had to leave the room"
♫
Yeri insists that she accompany her to the commercial shoots; she says it will help her distract herself. That’s how she’s ended up a couple of times on a loud-colored couch, more uncomfortable than she intends to be. Yeri is busy posing for the camera, getting a thousand photos taken; Kyung is probably lost in the dressing rooms, looking at all the extravagant and shiny clothes. Seulgi is starting to get bored, so she decides to stand up and explore a bit until she thinks enough time has passed to invent an excuse and go home.
She ends up in the dressing rooms, looking at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair is starting to grow after having been cut, and the dark circles under her eyes are becoming more and more prominent. She looks tired—and she is—so she ignores her reflection for the moment; she doesn’t need a reminder of how she’s dying inside.
She finds something to entertain herself with a few seconds later, sorting eyeshadow palettes by size and brand. The door opens with two girls she quickly recognizes—they are Yeri’s companions. They rush into the dressing room to touch up their makeup while chatting about something Seulgi doesn’t pay attention to. That is, until one of them opens a perfume bottle and sprays it.
The scent reaches her senses and the room tilts for a moment.
She would recognize that perfume anywhere—that strong jasmine smell and something expensive that Seulgi never could identify.
The memories hit her like a train, thousands of nights smelling that scent nearby, on clothes she fought to keep the fragrance on until it was inevitable that it faded with time and detergent. The suffocation—she can’t help it. Her whole body goes numb, causing the eyeshadow palette in her hands to slip and fall to the floor. The shadows get ruined by the impact, but she doesn’t care.
It’s the symptoms her body has when smelling that perfume that worry her—her lungs burn, she feels a strong pounding in her chest, as if her heart might burst out at any moment, almost to vomit it out through her mouth. Her ears are ringing. She doesn’t realize she’s on the floor until the girls approach her, worried.
The scent only grows more persistent until she feels salty tears blurring her vision. Everything happens vaguely after that—the girls help her through her panic attack, take her back to the couch, and somehow they end up in an empty café with Kyung and Yeri watching her worriedly, her gaze lost in the window.
—¿Are you feeling better now? , ¿Are you sure you don’t want to go to the doctor? —Kyung’s voice sounds kinder than usual.
Seulgi doesn’t look her in the eyes; instead, she prefers to look at her coffee. She hasn’t taken a sip, and it has gone cold. She keeps stirring it with the spoon, letting out a tired sigh. —I just want to go home—.
Yeri next to her lets out another sigh. —Don’t worry about the shadows, I already paid for them—.
That doesn’t comfort Seulgi. The right thing would be for Yeri to be mad about breaking something expensive that was probably deducted from her paycheck. Instead, she tells her not to worry, and that makes her feel worse. They’ve been treating her more kindly since she left.
Seulgi doesn’t know if it’s out of friendship or pity, but neither comforts her. —Thank you— she replies in return, it’s the only thing she can say.
.
"It's just another day"
"And it's not over till it's over, it's never over"
"It's just another day"
"And it's not over till it's over, it's never o ver"
♫
The days go by and by, fading one after another. At first, she thought routine would help, but it just became an excuse to get up—and little by little, that became harder. All she wants to do is stay in bed and sleep.
Mornings are hard now. When she wakes up, the sun shines high, but it’s not motivating; it’s annoying. It makes her eyes hurt and her head buzz from too much sleep. Appetite is something she’s also been losing. When was the last time she had breakfast? Was it yesterday or the day before? It doesn’t matter—she’s not really that hungry anyway.
However, that morning, contrary to what she believes, she has breakfast. When she peeks into the dining room, her stepmother sets a freshly heated plate of kimbap in front of her. Her stepmother seems happy as she picks up the chopsticks and begins to eat. She knows it’s selfish to worry about her that way, but no matter how hard she tries, it’s difficult to avoid.
They eat most of the time in silence. Her stepmother asks her questions to find out how she’s doing:
¿Are you feeling better today?
¿Is work tiring?
¿Would you like us to go out?
She responds politely and declines going out. It’s barely bearable to leave the house. When she’s at intensive school, she only thinks about going back to sleep, and when she’s at her work shifts, she just wants them to end so she can return home to study, stuck in her endless cycle.
The day dissolves like grains of sand. The street no longer feels appealing because it’s become dangerous, as if her mind were dissociated. Sometimes it’s like her body doesn’t know where to go or how to move. And then there are the silhouettes and ghosts that stalk her on every corner, when she thinks she sees one, when she freezes in the middle of the street for who knows how long. So she only goes out when necessary; she just wants to be home.
She prefers to rot in the routine: get up, have breakfast? She doesn’t remember. What time did she go take a shower? It’s late. She should go to intensive school. Her classmates remind her it’s lunchtime. The bus home is noisy. The city lights shine brightly. She walks home automatically. There’s a yogurt in the fridge that she drinks halfway through. And finally, the sepulchral silence of her room. She doesn’t know what time it is. The moon shines high. Sleep won’t come soon. She’s lost count of how many nights insomnia shows up. So she decides to take out her study guide and keep going a little longer. And the hours keep running and running. Sleep seems to catch up, so she heads to bed. It’s the fourth time this week she promises she’ll try to wake up before ten tomorrow.
.
"Till I don't look for you on the staircase"
♫
She doesn’t tell anyone—not Yeri, not Kyung, and definitely not her stepmother. She knows they look at her strangely and would probably end up taking her to rehab or something like that, so she keeps it to herself. There are days when she likes to stand by the school gate, watching all the girls leave with their friends, arms linked and loud laughter. She’s done it very few times, only on days when she feels like she’s forgetting what she looked like. It doesn’t take long—when she feels her stomach tighten and a lump in her throat suffocates her, she knows it’s time to leave. No matter how long she waits, she knows she’s not going to see her.
.
"And wish that you still thought we were soulmates"
♫
At intensive school, they assign her a task. At first, she sees it as just another assignment—a task to earn points, reading comprehension, and things like that, something she should like but now finds no motivation for. It’s about traditional Korean folklore, cheesy and tragic stories of loves that end badly, of curses that transcend generations and time, like ghosts that haunt someone—like her ghost.
At first, it’s boring, but then she reads a story—a woman who, after losing the love of her life, falls into madness. The story talks about soulmates, and for some reason, it makes her want to cry a lot. Lately, she’s been doing that a lot. She doesn’t know if the story really moved her or if she’s just using it as an excuse to let it out.
So she cries. The book slips off the bed. Seulgi buries her face in the pillow, hugging it tightly. Tears gather and fall onto the fabric. She stays like that for a long time until she falls asleep.
She doesn’t finish the essay; she ends up turning in a mediocre assignment the next day. When the teacher asks, she just replies that she forgot.
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"Made you the villain, yeah, evil for just moving on"
♫
Before falling deeply into sadness, Seulgi had convinced herself that bitterness would be better, that letting herself be wrapped in anger would keep her standing—at least just a little—that it would be enough to keep going and forget about her.
After all, if she thinks about it, it was a Machiavellian plan: to play with her to keep her on her side—all the lies—and then, when things went differently, the betrayal hurt more than the fact that she hadn’t trusted her enough to fix things. And yet, after all... she had forgiven her.
So it was very easy to fall into it, so much that she didn’t realize that hostility began to show in how she treated those around her—until one day her stepmother interrupts her just as she’s about to leave the house.
—Seulgi-ah— her stepmother’s voice comes out almost in a whisper. Her hands freeze on the doorknob, and she turns to look at her, waiting silently.
—We can’t choose who we fall in love with—
The words make something tighten in Seulgi’s throat. Her hand on the doorknob tightens and trembles. She doesn’t say anything in return, waiting for her stepmother to finish her words.
—It’s not our fault either, the actions they decided to take. Our only mistake was trusting and continuing to love them— and for a moment, her stepmother’s voice trembles —I just wanted you to know that—.
And at that moment, Seulgi realizes she’s not the only one suffering. Her stepmother must also feel disgusted and betrayed by her father’s decisions. It hits her like a bucket of ice-cold water. —Thank you— her own voice comes out choked, but she doesn’t feel brave enough to face her. So she leaves the house; the click of the door closing sounds way too loud.
Outside, the winter air is freezing, and her face starts burning from the tears she begins to shed.
They don’t talk about it, but after that, Seulgi lets herself be dragged down by sadness.
.
"I see your shadow, I see it even with the lights off"
♫
Jaeyi’s room gives her peace, her arms around her keep her calm, even if things are complicated right now, she knows they can work it out.
—¿Are you asleep? —Jaeyi’s voice comes out in a whisper, her breath near Seulgi’s ear, tickling a little.
—No— Seulgi answers, bringing one of her hands to Jaeyi’s, which hold her tightly around the waist, just above her navel.
—When all this is over, let me take you to a beautiful place— Jaeyi, bold as always, ends up giving her an unexpected kiss on the cheek.
The action makes her laugh— ¿Where to? —she asks.
—Mmmm, let’s go to the sea, let me take you to a beautiful beach—.
Seulgi’s fingers keep tracing circles on the hands over her waist— I don’t have good memories of the beach—.
Jaeyi adjusts herself until she’s floating above her, the position is a bit uncomfortable because she has to stretch, but she looks into her eyes, Seulgi can’t help but reach out her hand to caress her cheek, her thumb gently pressing the mole that lies there.
—Exactly because of that, we can give it a new meaning— and she smiles at her, a genuine smile, with her cheeks painted in a soft crimson blush, and she looks so pretty like that.
And just as Jaeyi begins to lean in to kiss her, a horrible sound echoes.
The sound of a siren echoes throughout the neighborhood, loud enough to wake her, pulling her out of her beautiful dream. Moonlight filters into her room — it’s still the early hours of the morning.
As she slowly opens her eyes, she realizes they’re wet. She brings her hands to her face to find it completely soaked, and then the memory of her dream returns. Her chest tightens, and a wave of overwhelming bitterness fills the room. She just stares at the ceiling, as if lost. Then comes a sob, and more tears.
She hates how her own mind turns against her — it’s too cruel. She won’t be able to sleep.
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"I made a promise, if in four months this feeling ain't gone"
"Well, fuck this city, I'm movin' to Saskatchew an"
♫
It’s too much, so when Seulgi feels like the sadness is winning, she talks to her stepmother.
It’s a difficult conversation, but she seems to understand—it’s part of the deal, after all—so she starts looking into apartments for when the university entrance exam is over. Moving far away is the best option, she can’t stand being here, every place is filled with ghosts and memories she wants to forget, because they hurt too much.
It’s decided, when the exam is over, she’ll be able to leave.
.
"It's just another day"
"And it's not over till it's over, it's never over"
"It's just another day"
"And it's not over till it's over, it's never o ver"
♫
The next time her cruel mind decides to play another trick on her, she’s waiting for her stepmother in the waiting room of a hospital, while she’s getting a medical check-up. That’s when she sees her.
A tall girl, long black hair, a mole on her cheek, and a blue hospital gown, fades down a hallway. She follows her with her heart racing and her body trembling in anticipation. When she reaches a closed hallway, she sees her somewhere else, quickens her pace, but loses her—again and again—until she finds her once more only to disappear behind a door. She runs, and when she opens the door, she finds a group of nurses organizing drawers. There’s no one else there.
The room spins, and her head hurts.
A nurse asks if she’s okay. She nods. She’s about to send a message to her stepmother saying she won’t wait—it's better to go back home.
.
"Till I can break routine during foreplay"
"And trust myself that I won't say your name"
"Yeah, I'm still counting down all of the days"
"Till you're just another girl on the sub way"
♫
The sound of the music in the club echoes off the walls. Seulgi has no idea who the girl kissing her is, let alone her name—she doesn’t care. She’s way too drunk to think about it.
The kiss is sloppy; she can’t keep up with the girl’s pace. She tastes too much like alcohol, and Seulgi silently prays she won’t throw up on her.
When the girl places one of her legs between Seulgi’s and presses, a disgusting gasp escapes in the middle of the kiss. Her hands weakly hold the girl’s nape, and she can’t help it—the girl she chose looks a lot like her, and her name naturally slips from her lips.
—Jaeyi-ah— her voice comes out louder than she intends, enough for the stranger to hear it, and she pulls away, roughly throwing her against the wall.
The alcohol in her head makes everything blurry.
—Did you say another girl’s name? —the stranger sounds offended, and she can’t blame her.
—I’m sorry—. It’s not a real apology; she’s still too drunk.
—Fuck off— the stranger lets go, her hands leave Seulgi’s waist, and she walks away, leaving her alone.
The music pounds in her head, and she thinks she’s about to throw up any second.
A hand gently touches her shoulder— —I think it’s better to go home, Seulgi-ah—. Seulgi hates Yeri’s worried look; it doesn’t suit someone like her.
The next day she wakes up in her room, her mouth tastes bitter and her head hurts. She doesn’t remember half of what happened yesterday, but she doesn’t care—nothing does lately. Still, she feels bad.
.
"She's got, she's got a way, she’s got a way"
"She got, she got away, she got away"
♫
Two weeks later, Yeri plans something she calls an “intervention plan.” She suggests going for a weekend to a nice place. Her stepmother, genuinely worried about her, encourages her to go. The first proposal is made by Yeri—to go to the beach. Seulgi refuses, explains why, and the idea is quickly discarded.
Then Kyung suggests going to cabins near a lake. Seulgi doesn’t care either way. Yeri reluctantly agrees, complaining about insects and mosquitoes. The only one who seems genuinely excited is Kyung. That’s how they end up at a beautiful lake about three hours from their city.
Like most times, time and things pass strangely for Seulgi. One moment they’re in the city, the next they’re arriving at the cabin, and then they’re unpacking their suitcases.
Seulgi doesn’t know how, but now she’s on a dock. The wind blows pleasantly against her face, and there’s still some cold air left—just enough for her nose to start turning a pretty shade of red.
She’s hypnotized by the lake; the turquoise color surrounding it is truly beautiful. At another time, Seulgi is sure she would truly appreciate the beauty of the landscape, but for now, her mind is lost in something else.
She keeps replaying in her mind how she has lived these past months, the deep sadness she harbors inside that, no matter how much she’s tried to contain it, has slipped through her fingers.
To the point of forgetting to take her vitamins and stopping eating.
To the point of frequently going to bars and drinking until she remembers nothing the next day.
Until even Yeri herself, carefree by nature, has to sit down with her and tell her she has to stop.
And she wants to, she wants so badly to stop, but she can’t.
She can’t, she can’t.
She swears she tries but can’t, every day is an endless struggle, a hope to keep going just to see how she gets dragged into this tornado full of melancholy and sadness. An endless spiral in which she resigned herself to go with the flow, discovering that, after all, it’s easier to let herself be covered by sadness, because it was the only thing left of her.
Moving forward means she can forget her, that she can stop loving her.
It meant accepting the fact that she’s probably dead.
And she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t know if she’s capable of living in a world without Jaeyi, she doesn’t think it’s possible.
Because she has thought about that possibility more times than she’d like, and every time she ends up having a panic attack. It’s too much, and she doesn’t want to accept it. She even thinks it would be less cruel to have a tombstone to go cry at. It would be easier to move on, because her heart and mind cling to every ounce of hope she has of seeing her once more.
That one day she will find her.
But as the months pass, that hope seems to slowly fade, and then comes that terrifying thought, that nightmare that haunts her night after night.
That just as she clings to the hope that one day someone will come to tell her that she’s alive, it could be a totally different outcome—that they only confirm what she fears the most.
That there is no longer a life with Jaeyi by her side.
Then she would be condemned to hell too. She doesn’t know how, but tears rise again from deep within her being. She looks at her reflection in the lake, like a mirror; she looks as sad as she has in the past few months.
Her movements are mechanical, obeying the voices shouting in her mind. Her feet climb onto the logs of the dock’s railing, making her rise and lean a little further.
She watches her tears slide down her cheeks, creating ripples in the lake as they fall. The cold air makes her hair whip violently, and some strands stick to her cheeks from the salty tears. She stays like that, leaning over the railing, closing her eyes.
She thinks about that possibility and doesn’t know what to do with it. She thinks about Kyung and Yeri’s words, and her own stepmother’s urging her to move on.
She doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want a life where she’s not there, no matter how drastic it sounds.
The sigh she lets out sounds broken.
She is alone on the pier, Kyung and Yeri must continue to arrange their rooms. It would be very easy to slip, accidents happen, tourists are too curious, people disappear because they were left alone...
It would be very easy, she just needs to lean a little more , maybe climb one more log and extend her arms forward...the water is surely too cold, the sweater she is wearing would get too heavy if it comes in contact with the water...it would be very easy if she fell.
Then all the pain would end, he could do what she has wanted to do for the last few months, she could sleep endlessly. All the pain would end.
If that is the reality, then she would be with her.
It would be so easy... she climbs another step without panic as she feels her body wobble, more tears run down her cheeks and her throat lets out a broken gasp.
“Just do it!” , her mind screams at her.
Then she is pushed backward with such force that she crashes against the wooden planks of the dock. Her vision is blurry, and all she sees are the colors of the sky distorted by tears.
Arms lift her back onto the dirty ground. As her vision begins to clear, she sees Kyung kneeling in front of her, arms resting on her shoulders, with a troubled expression on her face. Next to her is Yeri, hands on her cheeks as she controls her breathing, looking worried.
Then. Slap.
Seulgi’s cheek burns—Kyung slapped her, and she looks really angry now.
—¿¡What were you doing, Seulgi!? , ¿¡What were you about to do!?—
Yeri also kneels down —Kyung, stop… —her voice comes out in a whisper.
—¡No! —Kyung yells— ¡She was going to jump, if we hadn’t arrived in time she was going to jump!, ¿¡Why would you do that, Seulgi-ah!? — she shakes her now, trying to make her come to her senses maybe, but her mind is still too stunned to grasp the gravity of her actions.
Her friend with glasses looks desperate. Seulgi comes to her senses when she hears a sob coming from Kyung —¿Why would you do that?—
Seulgi can’t bear all this. She thought suffering in silence was best, but for them it must be hard too, watching her slowly fade—and then the question. After all, they lost a friend too, almost witnessed losing another.
¿Why would she do it?
Telling the truth would be cruel, yet they had already seen her break. ¿What difference would one more time make?, Besides, they’re asking for an answer. So she gives it to them.
Seulgi lowers her gaze; shame finally catches up with her. Then the dam breaks—tears turn into crying, now she truly weeps. Her loud, broken sobs are the only sounds heard, along with the slow rhythm of cicadas by the lake.
She cries all she needs to. Kyung’s small hiccups accompany her, Yeri stays silent but remains by her side.
She doesn’t know how long she cries, but her friends don’t interrupt her. They let it flow until Seulgi feels the knot in her throat loosen enough to speak.
For Kyung and Yeri, it’s a truly sad scene. Seulgi’s face is red and her cheeks stained with tears, her dark circles more prominent than ever, and her gaze completely glazed over. Seulgi’s voice breaks, but her words are clear.
— I miss her — another sob.
Kyung, upon hearing those words, regrets asking.
Seulgi’s voice comes out choked as she speaks again —I miss her so much, I miss her scolding me over silly things, I miss us studying together, I miss taking Jaeyoon to the park, I miss her giving me ridiculously expensive gifts and me scolding her for it—.
The tears don’t stop. Seulgi has to pause for a moment to catch her breath and speak again —I know it sounds like too much, but I really feel like I’m dying without her, I just… I just want her back—. When she finishes speaking, Kyung pulls her close against her chest as more tears escape from her.
She doesn’t realize it until Yeri also wraps them both in a hug. Yeri’s voice comes out softly —It’s okay, Seulgi—yes, we miss her too—.
Kyung later tells her they stayed another twenty minutes on the dock, and also tells her not to worry—that they would have stayed as long as needed. She remembers her legs feeling like jelly when they returned to the cabin.
But after all that, she feels strange—a thin line between better and worse; better for finally getting it all out, accepting aloud how hard it is comforts her, but it also makes her feel worse because of how much her friends worry about her, it makes her feel vulnerable.
That night, the three of them sleep in the same bed, cuddled and cramped. Seulgi, with a broken heart, feels a little comfort. They don’t talk about it.
.
"And she got away"
♫
This is how three months pass quickly, and unfortunately their trip ends very soon because the next morning Kyung forces them to return.
However, something seems to change from that day on; her friends help her as well as her stepmother, and she focuses more on her studies for the admission exam.
At least she already feels minimally better, of course; there are still hard days, days when she just wants to sleep. However, at least now she no longer feels like a zombie. She now takes her vitamins properly, no longer skips meals, and although insomnia hasn’t completely gone away, nor the nightmares, she can sleep decently most days of the week.
Time passes and passes.
Then, one day she receives an email.
A postcard with an address—and she knows in her heart what it means.
She doesn’t think twice—she runs away, she has to go find her.
.
♫
.