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“Hey, so–” III turned as he closed the door to the bedroom at the back of the bus and leaned forward as if it was a pre-agreed meeting and not just him herding II and IV into the room all secretive after looking around the empty lounge area in a very poor imitation of a spy. “You guys notice that Ves is like– uh–” He waved in the air, looking for the appropriate word.
IV stood with his hands in his hoodie pocket and provided, “Really fuckin’ touch-starved?”
III snapped his fingers into a pointer aimed at him. “Yep.”
They both turned to II who let out a big sigh. Vessel was currently out somewhere but even when he was in and with them, it was clear that he was struggling to adjust to constantly being on the road on top of everything else that came with touring. He wasn’t alright but they all knew he would be the last one to say anything out of fear of being a burden.
“He’s been isolating.” II gestured around vaguely, grimacing at the limitations in space that being on the bus meant. “Or trying to, anyway.”
III pursed his lips. He had bumped into Vessel on the way out of his bunk just that morning and noted how the man had flinched and slunk away with a muttered apology, avoiding even looking at him in a flimsy attempt at trying to be invisible. It was like every time one of them touched him, his first instinct was to push into it, then to pull away right after as if it was forbidden.
Looking first at II, then at IV, III stated, “He needs a proper cuddle. Like– little spoon shit.”
II cocked a brow, lips curling up at the phrasing. “‘Little spoon shit’?”
“Yeah, like–” III looked to IV for help who simply shrugged and leaned his head against his arm. III made sure not to jostle him as he gestured with his other hand. “He needs to be hugged. We do the hugging. He’s just a spoon." He held up a finger to specify. "A small one.”
II nodded, but couldn’t help pointing to IV and then himself as he noted, “You do realize two out of the three of us are shorter than him?”
“Yeah. So?” III frowned like he was the confused one. “It’s about making him feel that he’s the little spoon. Making him feel held, ya’ know?” Against his arm, IV nodded to show his agreement. II did, as well, so III went on, “Either of you can do that. But he needs a good, long cuddle. All cozy and stuff.”
“All cozy and stuff,” II repeated, looking at the bed with its single blanket, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.
“I think it should be you, Two,” IV spoke up, now lazily hugging III’s arm. “There’s not enough room for more of us and he always gets all soft when you go full mother hen on him.”
II’s face gained a light red tint as III chuckled. He tried to glower, but it didn’t really work while he was smoothing out the blanket on the bed like it was a pressing task he needed to get done.
“Okay, so–” III wrapped his arm around IV to draw him to his side more comfortably. The guitarist gave a happy hum, prompting III to smile as he began counting out the steps of their plan on his fingers. “We do a movie night, get his comfort foods. I give him my hoodie that he’s too anxious to steal. Two cuddles the shit out of him. He sleeps through the night, and we hope he feels better in the morning.”
“I’ll make him tea.” IV murmured, “The one he likes, with the sweet lemon.” He flapped his hand with a smile to imitate how Vessel would shake the sleeves of hoodie over his hands. “He’s gonna do sweater paws 'cause it's hot.”
II was already calculating extra blankets and pillows for their temporary sleeping arrangement of sharing the bed that their two tallest usually alternated in using. Or, more accurately, only III used since this tour started. That was also a sign of Vessel drawing back and ignoring his own discomfort. He’d rather hide in the cramped space of his bunk alone than inconvenience anyone with his bids for comfort or company.
II put a stop to his train of thought long enough to say, “I’ll get a nest ready.”
III patted IV’s back. “Great.” He held out his other hand between them, palm down. “Operation Little Spoon?”
“Little spoon shit,” IV agreed with feigned seriousness and put his hand on his, still leaning against him.
II stepped closer to join but only shook his head with a fond smile at their theatrics.
Movie night was a smooth affair, with takeout and snacks, limbs thrown over laps and heads finding shoulders to rest on. Only Vessel sat a small distance away with his knees pulled up until III pressed up to his side and gently bonked their heads together to urge him to lean against him. Vessel reluctantly obeyed, and III gave II a thumbs up. Their singer more than needed the gentleness, he was just unused to taking it or asking for it, even between the four of them.
As the credits rolled, with III and IV chattering while cleaning up around them, II tugged on Vessel’s sleeve to get his attention. III had pushed his hoodie into his hands at the first sign of him being cold and the effect was immediate: Vessel’s shoulders sagged, he tugged the sleeves over his hands and pulled the collar up to his nose as if to check that it still carried that comforting scent he loved but struggled to admit.
“Come on.” He slid his hand into the sleeve and his fingers between Vessel’s, slow but smooth, like it was casual and not an attempt at carefully coaxing him closer. “You’re sleeping in the back tonight.”
Vessel was blinking slowly up to that point, ready to climb into his bunk and sleep, but now his forehead creased. “What about Three?”
“He takes a bunk.” II’s tone left no room for argument. “You and I take the bed.”
Vessel followed him without a word, then stopped right inside the door when he noticed the bed. It was made for two, with his pillow and blanket, as well as II’s, plus an extra, the softest one, from the longue area.
“C’mon, Ves.” II looked over his shoulder, folding back the blankets. His expression softened when he spotted the other man wringing his hands and nibbling on his bottom lip. He reached out and waited until Vessel placed a hand in his. His thumb stroked the back of it and his eyes sought Vessel’s. When he didn’t see any resistance, he tugged on his hand until they were both lying down, face to face.
Even then, Vessel didn’t meet his gaze and instead fiddled with the corner of his blanket. When he finally looked up, his eyes gleamed in the dim light of the room. He somehow managed to look startlingly young as well as thoroughly exhausted. The bags under his eyes appeared even darker and the light in his eyes dimmer.
It was an achingly familiar sight to II, seeing him without his usual mask of being unbothered by his own wants and needs. He knew Vessel liked to keep careful control over that mask, but it didn’t take much for it to slip now. He was most likely too tired to control it, to try and pretend with just the two of them.
II reached for his hand again, soothing in a low voice, “Hey.” He moved closer, resisting the urge to wipe the first tear that threatened to run down over Vessel’s nose. “That’s why we’re here. You’re my little spoon tonight.”
Vessel seemed adamant about rubbing away his quickly appearing tears as roughly as possible. “What?” he huffed weakly, blinking rapidly as if that would make him appear alright.
II pulled his hand to his chest, stroking it with both thumbs now. “We have the room now and I’m gonna spoon you,” he spoke slowly like he was talking to a frightened animal. He wasn’t sure what it was about that cadence, but Vessel’s body always lost some of its tension when he used it like this. “You’ve been hiding. I noticed.” He brought his fingers to his lips and kept eye contact, pleading softly, “No hiding tonight, okay?”
It took a few moments for Vessel to answer, but he nodded and shifted a little closer. That wasn’t good enough for II, though, so he took it upon himself to get Vessel where he wanted him, with his head under his chin and his arm over his back. In turn, he smoothed out the blanket over Vessel’s and began rubbing slow circles onto it.
“Isn’t this better?”
Vessel bit his lip but nodded. His breathing got shallower and quicker as II presumed his nose clogged up. Adjusting his hold, he realized he was trembling, too. He didn’t chastise him for letting himself go this long without reaching out, even though part of him wanted to. Not tonight, though. Tonight, he would hold him for as long as Vessel needed. Talking could wait another day.
When Vessel didn’t seem to be able to calm down after a couple of minutes, he offered, “Do you wanna listen to my heart?” The man frowned at him, so II turned onto his back and guided him. “Just put your ear– yeah, right there. That’s it.”
Vessel settled in like he was trying to count the beats and II was sure he would hear his heart cracking into two. He stroked his hair and breathed in and out in a steady rhythm, hoping to give Vessel a pattern he could follow.
Reaching for his friend’s hand again, II realized he had missed being close to him. Holding him like this felt so right and if it meant that Vessel wouldn’t go so long without it that he would start shaking the next time he got a hug, II would gladly cuddle him like this more often. Alternating with the others, of course. Or he would figure out how to fit the both of them comfortably into one of their bunks if that was what it took.
II wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but they eventually ended up spooning properly, with Vessel as the little spoon. He still seemed unconvinced that he was fit to be a little spoon due to their respective heights, but II didn't leave room for any argument. His tired brain made him murmur comforting words behind him as he cuddled closer. Vessel had stopped trembling at some point, and his last tears were wiped away by II before they settled down into their current position.
“We care about you.” II whispered into the short hair just above his nape. “We love you so much.” He had smoothed down Vessel’s hood, so he could be as close to him as possible. It allowed him to kiss him there, too, where he was warm and smelled like his green apple shampoo, all sweet and Vessel-like. II’s sleepy brain didn’t register the following shiver as anything more than Vessel’s body soaking up the much-needed affection. He had lost his filter somewhere between cuddling his best friend and letting himself feel how tired he was. “I love you so much.” II tightened his hold for a gently possessive squeeze and nuzzled into Vessel’s hood. He mumbled into it, muffling himself, but not enough for Vessel not to hear him, already on his way to sleep, “My little spoon now.”