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It has been a very long day. The weather has been too hot since early morning, and everything has been too exhausting. Everyone was waiting for the end of this damn day and now the sun is finally setting. The sunset is bright orange, almost red. It turns everything around it into a yellow but it gives nothing but headache.
Footsteps echoed beneath him.
The colour of torches, of its fire is much better - it's deep, dark and intimate.
"Dim light is truly fascinating... So soothing" - thought Domitian to himself, even though he has never admired such simple things...
He is a busy man.
Sometimes the anger was unbearable. Everything today was so annoying - his brother, his servants, this stupid weather. And even dim light can't calm him down. All he wants now is falling on his bed with sheets and pillows made from silk. Maybe he'll drink a glass of wine. Maybe he'll fall asleep immediately. Maybe he'll invite Hermes into his chamber.
Hermes.
This name struck him like he heard it for the first time in his life. He is a busy man, so busy that sometimes he forgets about people he loves. The person, to be honest. Only one person.
Domitian hasn't seen Hermes today yet and it made him a little bit nervous. Such a weird feeling in his gut. The boy is always there for him. He may say nothing, he may be almost invisible but Domitian always feels him being somewhere near him. And that has always been the most vital thing. Maybe that's why he was so angry today because Hermes is the only person who knows how to calm him down.
Such an odd feeling that made Domitian grip his teeth again. What is this? Jealousy? Or fear?
"Maybe you're just afraid that Hermes has found someone else? Has fallen in love with someone else? That he is not yours anymore?" – Domitian was standing in front of the tall doors of his enormous chamber, hesitant to open them.
Pathetic thoughts.
He gripped the door handles and finally entered the room, overcoming his irrational fear. They closed behind him with a loud thud that made him almost flinch.
No traitors, no slaves, no servants, no guards in his room. Nobody is here except him. He knows that no one has the right to be in his chamber without his own permission but deep down he had a strange hope that he would found Hermes here.
"I need to find him". Domitian almost said it out loud while looking into the huge windows that were shut.
He reached out to open them as It was absolutely airless but his gaze fell on the bed.
Domitian froze.
Someone was in his bed. Someone curled up under his blanket. Breathing shallowly and often. Someone smaller than him.
Almost invisible.
It was so childish of him not to order the guards to check his room before entering it. This day is totally messed up. The fury was rising inside him again. But he didn't yell "out". It could be anyone. Someone who can hurt him.
Kill him.
"Don't open them, please"
A Whisper. The beautiful voice. Domitian knows it. It's so soothing and deep but much more than stupid dim light or fire of torches.
He saw curly shiny hair sticking out slightly from under the blanket.
Hermes.
He came closer, looking at his boy who looked worryingly pale. Blue eyes closed as if he were in pain.
"What happened?". Domitian tried to stay calm.
Show worry is to show weakness - he has been saying it to himself since the day he met Hermes. Domitian can't let other people know that this boy means so much to him. They can hurt him... What if they have already hurt him? Today? When he was so busy doing nothing but paperwork.
Hermes said nothing. He opened his eyes for a second but it was hard for him to stay awake.
"What are you doing here?" And Domitian immediately felt guilty. It sounded too harsh as if he wanted to punish the boy for being unwell.
"I'm sorry". Hermes was shaking but he opened his eyes where Domitian saw something close to fear. "I shouldn't be here".
"You scared him because you treat him like a thing". Domitian's inner voice is always here. It likes to reinforce his guilt.
He tried to stand up but he had vertigo that didn't let him do it.
"Stay still... And just tell me what happened... I'm... I'm not angry at you". It sounded so awkward but all Domitian could think about was finding a doctor.
What if someone poisoned his kind boy?
"I had a bad headache yesterday but today it became worse". He let out a sigh trying to vocalize his thoughts as clearly as possible. "I was looking for you but I felt too sick and I just didn't know who could help me". Hermes closed his eyes again trying to catch his breath. He said it so quickly as if he were making excuses. "So I just came here. It was so quiet and... I was just waiting for you but I fell asleep". Domitian sat beside him on the bed and pressed his palm to Hermes' forehead.
"Haven't you eaten or drunk anything that tasted strange?"
Hermes was burning up.
"No. No, I... I remember what you've told me" He wore a plain tunic with no embroidery and it was wet from sweat.
Domitian could see his pale skin through the fabric. Freckles on his shoulders. Tiny constellations. He wanted to open the windows again but Hermes stopped him.
"It's suffocating in here, Hermes. You need some fresh air".
"I'm cold".
His lips were almost blue.
Domitian remembers having a fever. He was a child and his mother was still alive. She used to kiss his forehead every time he felt worse and wanted to cry. It felt like a long, odd dream. He is a grown man now, and this memory becomes more and more hazy and dreamlike every year. He even forgot how cold he was.
There was a sofa with a bedspread on it. It was made of linen and wasn't warm enough but Domitian didn't know what to do. He tried to remember what else his mother did when he was sick. The only kind of care he had ever known.
He tucked Hermes in.
"I'll leave soon, sir. I'm so sorry".
"He is your slave. He was sold to you to please you. And his life depends only on you. And he is afraid". It's always impossible to shut up the inner voice. It always speaks too loud. "You shouldn't treat him like that now. No one will understand".
Maybe he shouldn't even show his affection to Hermes. Maybe Hermes doesn't need to know it but Domitian can't help but sit near him again, touching his back, rubbing it tenderly.
"It's okay. You can stay here as long as you need". He suppressed the urge to say "my love".
"I might be contagious".
Domitian had never seen him like this. The Greek has always been vigorous and resilient. He never allowed himself to be upset in front of others.
"You aren't". Domitian ran his hand through Hermes' hair. "I shall find a doctor". He tried to stand up, but the boy took his hand, looking into his eyes.
It turned completely dark outside. The wind started blowing hard, as if it were going to rain. It was getting colder.
"What if... What if I die?" His voice trembled.
Domitian gave a short laugh. It was obvious that Hermes wouldn't leave him. Not like that.
He won't let that happen.
Never.
He left a brief kiss on Hermes' forehead.
"Then I can die with you".