Archive of Our Own

Odo's eyes darted across the screens of information, incredulous and annoyed. Quark had been acting so suspiciously for the last week, glancing furtively over his shoulder before making notes in an encrypted file. The file was encoded but of course it was child's play for Odo to watch Quark input the encryption key while he was disguised as an object in the room.

The key ("ODOKEEPOUT") only made Odo even keener to find out what Quark was writing down in the log, but at the same time, the ruse was so obvious and pointed in Odo's direction -- it was as if Quark knew that Odo would be observing him and wanted him to go poking around in the file -- that Odo began to suspect this was some kind of distraction, a misdirection intended to pull Odo's attention away from some other scheme Quark was busy hatching at the same time.

Nevertheless, Odo knew he had to investigate. He had snuck into Quark's quarters and unlocked the file, and...

Now his eyes swept over the entries in the file. They all contained much the same dreck -- Oh, Odo, you come into my bar everyday. When are you going to tell me you love me?... Today, you came in again and I thought I would drown inside the limpid pools of your eyes... Simply the word "Odo" with hearts written around it...

All the entries were written in the second person, addressed to Odo, as if Quark knew that Odo would eventually be standing here reading them. Odo let out an annoyed huff. So it had all been a ruse after all, just not quite the ruse Odo had been half-expecting.

He stormed into Quark's bar the next day, annoyed at Quark's trick and determined to get him back for it. He instinctively began grilling Quark, mostly just to give the bartender a tough time, but also as a way to dig out any schemes Quark might have that he could foil.

"Oh, you're in a sour mood today," Quark grumbled, as if he weren't directly responsible for Odo's sour mood.

"Oh, but I thought you enjoyed my visits to your bar?" Odo said archly. "Eager to drown in my eyes and all that?"

Quark's mouth dropped open as he instantly recognized what Odo was referencing. "Wait... You read my diary?!" he said, hand on his chest in an affected gesture of shock.

Odo rolled his eyes. "When will you realize you have no secrets from me, Quark?" he muttered, although he was frustrated that sadly he didn't have all of Quark's secrets. Passwords were easy to get; calls easy to listen in on; but the full sum of everything that went on behind Quark's scheming eyes? Frustratingly out of reach.

"Well," Quark said, turning to face Odo and leaning his weight against the bar. "Since you have all my secrets and everything... do you have an answer?"

"What?" Odo said absently. "An answer?"

Quark's mouth widened into a leer. "When are you going to admit that you want to go on a date with me?"

Odo spluttered, then harumphed angrily, and then stormed out of the bar.

Quark watched him go, picking up a glass to clean it with a towel. "Too easy."

It was only once Odo was back in his office that he realized how Quark had once again gotten the better of him. He hadn't even had the chance to do a proper interrogation, and whatever momentary advantage he'd managed to get by revealing he'd read Quark's diary, Quark had managed to turn against him.

Well, two could play that game, Odo thought as he began to fervently type a new message into his console.

Quark read the message that Odo had sent him with narrowed eyes.

Dear Quark, I'm sorry for running away, but I just didn't know what to say to you. But of course I feel the same way. Perhaps we could discuss this over dinner. ♡♡♡ Odo

Quark scowled. The (three!) hearts were a bit overkill. Odo was definitely up to something... But what? Was this part of some distraction plan, or did Odo really think he could embarrass Quark by trying to play the same game?

In any case, Quark knew how he would reply.

Quark showed up for their scheduled date fifteen minutes late -- he didn't want to seem too eager, but nor did he want Odo to give up and leave either. Unfortunately, Odo seemed to have the same idea and they ended up entering the bar at the exact same time and falling in next to each other awkwardly as they waited to be seated.

"You look good today," Odo said as they were seated.

"Oh, not as good as you," Quark shot back with fake sweetness, not wanting to be outdone. (Both of them, Quark observed, looked exactly like how they always looked.)

Both of them glanced at the menus before Odo placed his back on the table and Quark ordered his food.

"So," Odo said as they waited for Quark's food to be prepared. "Tell me, what about me do you find attractive, exactly?"

Quark gave a vague wave of his hand. "Oh, y'know -- everything! How could I pick just one thing? And what about you -- what exactly about me do you find so attractive?"

"Oh, the same, of course," Odo said sweetly.

Quark batted his eyelashes. "Oh, go on -- name one thing."

"In that case... well, your ears of course," Odo said with a smirk on his face.

Quark squirmed in his seat uncomfortably. Complimenting his ears?! Odo was definitely up to something -- this flattery was ridiculous.

"What about you?" Odo asked. "If you had to pick one thing."

Quark paused to think. "Your big, stiff... upright... sense of justice, of course," he said, smiling innocently.

It was Odo's turn to look uncomfortable. Quark preened.

Quark's food arrived. He ate while Odo watched him like a hawk.

"How is your... business going lately?" Odo asked.

As Quark thought, this was all some harebrained ploy to gather information on his schemes. "Oh, I don't want to talk about work while we're on a date," Quark said breezily. "That's not what you asked me to dinner for, is it?" he asked as he speared a vegetable with his fork.

"Well, you know me -- it's hard for me to leave work at work." Odo gave him a challenging look. "I thought you might find it an endearing trait of mine."

"Of course, of course!" Quark said cheerily. "But I thought we might use tonight to... get to know each other better." The words were accompanied by a suggestive quirk of his browridge.

Odo put a hand on top of Quark's. "Oh, I think we already know each other quite well."

Quark let out a low huff under his breath. Odo was being really tenacious tonight. Usually it was so easy to send him packing with just a suggestive comment or two. Odo must suspect him of something serious if he was willing to go this far. But none of Quark's current set of schemes warranted this level of scrutiny. Maybe Quark should just tell him that?

But that would be playing right into Odo's hands -- getting Quark to admit to the small crimes just to get Odo off his back about some imagined big crime. Quark couldn't let this mind game get to him.

"So true," Quark said, smiling as he looked into Odo's eyes.

The rest of dinner went like this, the two of them going around and around -- Odo trying to get Quark to talk about his business, Quark deflecting, Odo upping the ante. A wiser player would know when to quit.

"Well," Quark said, after he had finished his meal. "How do you feel about going back to my place?"

Without skipping a beat, Odo leaned forward, resting his chin on clasped hands. "I'd love to."

Quark felt his stomach drop away suddenly. "Wait -- really??"

"Oh?" Odo asked, lifting an eyebrow. "Is there something wrong? Something... in your quarters you don't want me to see, perhaps?"

"Psh, no!" Quark said, although internally he was sweating. "I just thought you weren't the type to have sex on the first date," he said, emphasizing the words and trying to make them sound as sordid as possible so as to elicit Odo's squeamishness.

"Well, I'm a man of many surprises," Odo said confidently.

Quark felt the muscles on his face freeze in a strained smile. Why had he invited Odo to his quarters, of all places?! (Well, it wasn't like it would work to invite himself over to Odo's bucket...) Was this Odo's plan all along? "Well!" Quark said, pretending to be entirely unbothered by this turn of events. "Shall we?" He held his arm out and was a bit dismayed when Odo casually looped his own arm through it and began walking them in the direction of the habitat ring.

Odo stared at Quark, lounging on his bed across from him, looking at him expectantly. Odo... might be in over his head.

Not like he was ever going to let Quark know that, though.

Being invited into Quark's quarters had been a real coup, although Odo had hardly been able to appreciate it because Quark had practically attacked him the moment they got in, kissing Odo as ravenously as if Odo were a dabo girl and it had been three weeks since Quark had had any oo-mox.

Just as quickly Quark had led him into the bedroom where they were now awkwardly lounging together on the bed.

A short exchange later -- ("Well? Aren't you going to undress? ...Unless you weren't serious, that is." "Of course I was serious!") -- they were both naked. And still staring at each other.

"Well? Aren't you going to form... something?" Quark asked finally.

Form what, was Odo's panicked question. "Well," he said, "I'm not sure you can handle it..."

Quark only smiled. "Don't underestimate me."

Odo paused, having no idea what he was doing. But surely Quark couldn't complain about Odo's genitalia being weird after saying something like that? Steeling himself, Odo shifted his anatomy.

Quark's eyes bugged out.

In the morning, as Odo slipped out of Quark's quarters and back to his office, his mind was a jumble of satisfaction and frustration. The night before had been less of a disaster and more exhilarating than Odo had expected -- he'd no idea that Quark could be so loud -- but he had been in Quark's room, had had the Ferengi right where he wanted him, even, and yet still hadn't managed to dig up a single clue as to what Quark was up to. Next time, he thought. Next time for sure he would unravel Quark's schemes.

Two weeks later, Quark and Odo were still at an impasse.

"Are you sure you want to go through with this?" Quark said. "It's not too late to back out..."

"Are you sure you're not the one getting cold feet?" Odo said archly.

"What, me? I wouldn't miss this for the world."

"Nor would I."

"Well, gentlemen," Sisko said with a sigh, standing at the pulpit of the station shrine, "you may now kiss each other." He had the dubious honor of presiding over this wedding, the most bizarre one he'd ever had the misfortune to witness.

The two grooms kissed, to scattered, befuddled applause from the gathered guests. As Quark and Odo pulled away, they looked at each other with a smug smile, both certain that they had gotten the upper hand and -- any day now -- they would finally discover what their oldest adversary was up to.