Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Chapter Text
Here Han was, wasting his night like he did most Fridays. Sipping wine from a table hidden in as much of a corner as he could find, watching Minho eat dinner with one of his friends.
Minho had said originally there was supposed to be three of them—that he'd reserved a table for three. But one had canceled last minute.
That's not what it looked like to Han, though; they were at a table very much the same as his own. A table meant for two, the difference being they actually had two people at the table.
They were talking and laughing like the only two people in the world. Ignoring the questioning and possibly homophobic or fetishistic glances they were getting from people around them—especially their server.
Minhos back was facing Han and even at the safe distance he was at he could tell Minho was relaxed. Of course Han liked, no loved when Minho was relaxed but he studied Minho enough to know his different types of relaxed.
Even around their tight group of friends, Minhos shoulders held the slightest bit of tension, responsibility. But with this friend Minhos shoulders were the type of relaxed Han had selfishly assumed (hoped) only he got to see.
Han wasn't angry, he never could be angry at Minho or Minho's friends. After all its no ones fault but his own that he's insecure and that he shoves his romantic feelings for Minho into a box he tries to keep buried or hidden like a skeleton in a closet.
No, Han was scared, frustrated, and self-made lonely. Every time he snuck around to watch Minho anxiously from a distance Han became disappointed in himself. He began to feel like all his work to grow and be confident was for nothing because at heart, he'd always been the insecure, anxious, sheltered boy he grew up being. Every time he tortured himself by watching Minho too closely he felt like the progress he had thought he'd made had never happened.
Logically, Han knew that wasn't the truth. The younger, naive, terrified version of him would have exploded. He would have compressed his fear and turned it into rage. He would have fought with Minho or given up on everything entirely. Self-isolated, he'd run
home to his mom and behave like the sheltered kid she raised him to be.
Instead, he swallowed his feelings and flavored them with whatever drink on the menu called to him that night. Whatever he thought might go best with his bitterness.
By the time it was clear Minho might consider getting a dessert Han had paid his bill and walked down the street. He could never stomach staying the whole meal to watch Minho probably share his favorite dessert with his maybe crush and he was too anxious that if he stayed for too long Minho and whoever he'd been eating with would see him outside waiting for a cab.
So he left and walked as far as he could to a nearby park to sit against a tree in the almost dark of the end of a sunset while trying to rid himself of how he felt. Then he would run home to his apartment and Minho's needy cats to put on the end of a movie in his room and pretend to have been waiting for Minho instead of watching him.
When Han got to his door he found Hyunjin one of his slightly older friends standing outside his apartment door trying to remember the door code. Good, that'd give Han an excuse for the possible notification Minho might get if he asked why a waiting Han had had to unlock their door.
"Hyunjinnie Hyung? What's up?" Han tried not to sound as breathless as he actually was from his bolt home, but it's a hard thing to hide.
"Were you out watching Minho Hyung again?" Hyunjin teased Han as he let Han unlock the door for him.
Flustered and caught off guard, Han couldn't find a convincing lie, so he just said something stupid and silly instead: "Stalker Han strikes again!" He declared, dramatically slinging one of his hands above his head while he made an a-Nimated expression, "The
villain who stalks the most beautiful of princes on his nightly runs has returned before the dashing lad to steal from his home. A terrifying tale of obsession, your nightmare, and your favorite a-Nime of all time packaged together i-"
Hyunjin cut off his rant with exasperated laughing as he pulled his shoes off and collapsed onto the hallway floor, "You are down bad oh my god!" He managed to huff out the sentence in between fits of laughter.
"Takes one to know one hm?" Han joked as he jabbed Hyunjin in the side with his foot, "Now get off the ground, you're making it hard to actually get into my apartment."
"Sure sure, but at least I'm dating him. Unlike you, Mr. Sheep," Hyunjin quipped as he got up from the floor and jabbed Hans ribs just to watch him squeal and jump away "hissing."
"Mr. Sheep?!" He scowled as Hyunjin simply laughed and laughed and laughed at him.
The two bickered as Han fed Hyunjin some of his left over dessert from the restaurant. Eventually sometime long after they finished the dessert and discarded both the box and trash bag Minho came home clearly tipsy and Hyunjin ducked out of the apartment with a cheesy wink to Han and a quick hello to Minho on his way out.
"Mmm Hannie I would've thought you'd be asleep by now. Or ready for bed at the very least," Minhos words were dripping with kindness and confusion, all the while slightly slurred from his one too many drinks, "what was Jinnie doing here so late at night?"
As Han swallowed his romantic affection, replaced it with faux platonic-ism and felt his face melt into a smile as he responded to Minho who had wrapped his arms around Hans waist, "I didn't ask him, he kind of just showed up."
The pair chuckled and began to get ready for bed together. There was a loose fondness in Minhos buzzed eyes that made Han uneasy. Gave him the chance to hope that maybe Minho loved Han the way Han loved him.
"Yah! Hyung!" Han spit flushed and red as he spun his head around and his abdomen turned while Minho slid his hands from one side of Hans ribs to the other, wrapping his forearms around his stomach, "Hyung! What are you-"
Hans voice caught in his throat as Minho nestled his head in the crook of Hans neck and mumbled some kind of incomprehensible response.
"Tsk Hyung. You need to finish getting ready for bed," Han huffed out the words while trying to keep himself from being too red. He had no alcohol to blame and no lighting to hide in so if Minho noticed he'd have a hard time explaining, "You're going to feel terrible tomorrow."
Minho whined and hugged Han tighter as he tilted his head toward Hans ear, "Don't remind me," the words brushed Hans ear making him shiver, "Right now I just want enjoy the alcohol making me warm and stupid."
"Warm and stupid huh, interesting combo," Han joked and he would've kept teasing Minho except Minho started gently pinching and kneading at Hans sides before running the edge of his pinkies in between Hans skin and the waistband of his boxers.
"You're muscular Hannie," Minho commented, it sounded casual—too casual. Like even sober Minho would've said it while running his fingers across the waistband of Hans underwear.
Truly frightening the amount of unbothered that Minho constantly was when it came to weirdly intimate things.
"You should flex for my Jagi; I want to appreciate your hard work." Minho cooed as Han gave into his request and began to flex albeit shyly.
Eventually Han convinced Minho to get ready for bed by promising to stay and up a little longer to cuddle with him (not a hard thing to convince Han to do) and thus Minho changed, did his skincare and then rolled into Hans bed.
"You can be so clingy, Hyung." Han tried to sound like he was complaining, but it was extremely obvious just how fond he was of his clingy tipsy Hyung who kissed his cheek before wrapping his arms around Han and promptly falling asleep.
As per usual Minho slept like a log while Han burned all pink and red for another hour desperately and pathetically wishing Minho had kissed his lips instead of his cheek. (He later gaslit himself into believing that that would've been bad because Minho was tipsy, on the edge of drunk really.)
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Chapter 2
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“Han-ahhhh,” Minho ‘cried’ from the couch with an ice pack on his forehead while Han began to make a hang over remedy for the poor guy who had apparently drunk more than just one too many glasses of alcohol.
Han called back from the kitchen, tipping his head back in hopes his voice would reach Minho better, “What do you want now? Your soup isn’t ready yet.”
“Hannieeeeeee,” Minho’s voice begun to be a screech by the end of Hans name before he took a gasp for air and continued like he hadn’t just filled their apartment with a pitch high enough that Minhos cats looked at him and covered their ears with their paws, “Please tell me I didn’t do anything weird and stupid last night, it’s all kind of fuzzy.”
Han stifled a laugh as he tasted the packet soup (which would always taste the same when done correctly but he had to make sure anyway) before he plated the bowl with some bread and walked into the living room that existed on the other side of the counter, “You told me you wanted to let the alcohol make you warm and stupid,” Han teased his mouth growing into one of his iconic toothy smiles as he set the food on the coffee table.
“Oh no.”
“If you’re really worried why don’t you ask the friend you went out with yesterday,” Han hid his bitter jealousy behind a veil of teasing as he continued, “I only saw you when you got home at… I think it was 10 or 11 PM.”
Minho sat up and let Han feed him slowly and gently as he spoke between spoonful’s of soup and bites of bread, “He drank more than I did, and I think he went home with some guy he found at the bar so he’s probably having a hell of a morning.” Minho
chuckled and his face crinkled up in the adorable way it always did when Minho laughed like that.
Hans ten second rule for staring betrayed him at times like this where he wanted to watch longer, but alas he didn’t want to give Minho or anybody else an even better chance of catching him.
“Ah I see,” Han relaxed hearing that Minho’s friend had gone home with someone; it meant he didn’t think he had to worry about that friend wedging his way into Minho’s romantic life. And Minho said it so light heartedly, so happily and excited so it was clear he didn’t have an issue with it. Minho being jealous was handy at times like this, it made him easy to read and it put Han’s crush theory at ease, “Well I hope he gets some aftercare. Hungover at someone else’s home can be pretty rough.”
“Oh? You’d know?” It sounded like Minho wanted to tease Han about the prospect, but his voice was too flat for that and his eyes were staring into Hans eyes a little too much.
“Ah- uh- not after sex or anything, no. But one time a few days after I had a fight with Channie Hyung I woke up at his house after going to the bar with him,” Han chuckled nervously as he rubbed the back of his neck and the spoon in his hand started to shake a little under the careful watch of Minho, “It was my first time in his house too. Embarrassing and disorienting to say the least.”
As Han continued to laugh anxiously, Minho’s body relaxed and he snorted tilting his head back, “Well, at least Channie Hyung is a good person's house to wake up in. He’s certain to be kind about it all even if his hangover prevents him from making breakfast for you,” all Han could do was nod along with a light flushed laughter.
“Yeah, it was a good night for us both. I remember the alcohol making me really red all night. And when we got to his apartment – according to him I started bawling,” Han laughed as he set the spoon down and Minho turned to him wide eyed, “I started confessing how bad I felt for getting in an argument with him or something and being super emotional, I was a wreck. But it was really good for our friendship.”
“You were bawling?” Minho didn’t sound surprised by Han’s crying, he cries pretty often after all but there was a sense of confusion that Han had bawled in Chan’s house, with him, “Did Channie Hyung like hold you or anything?” Clearly the idea of Chan holding a balling Han piqued Minho interest because he was on the edge of the couch forgetting his hangover.
“I would assume so; I don’t remember it honestly, but it’s not like Channie Hyung to just watch someone cry and do nothing. I guess it probably would’ve been our first hug if he had.” Han pondered as Minho blinked slowly, clearly trying to imagine what the scene would have looked like for his personal enjoyment.
What a weirdo. What a lovely weirdo.
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Chapter 3
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“Hannie? Hannie? Han?”
“Huh?” Chan had apparently been calling to Han for the last like minute; today, they were working on an album together for one of the many idol groups that hired them. Hans mind had been in another place for their entire lunch break, however.
Minho had said something confusing this morning – a mixed signal kind of thing. Minho had told him that no matter how pretty the idols he was working with today were he wasn’t allowed to look at them too long because Han was his.
What the fuck?
Han was used to Minho saying insane things about his body, like claiming ownership of his ass (jokingly?) or playing jealous when people flirted with him. But to look Han in the eyes at 7 am and tell him that he couldn’t find someone attractive because he belong to Minho?
Who the fuck says something like that? And so early in the morning to?
Needless to say, it made Han blush all morning long, and made him behave so much more professionally and polite than usual, which wasn’t a big change, but Chan could tell. He was very obviously confused by Hans' disinterest, so he’d been trying to ask him about it and not getting an answer.
“Hannie, where’s your head at today?” He jabbed his fork in Hans direction, offering a piece of food to Han knowing it would get his attention just as much as it usually did.
“Minho Hyung said something odd to me this morning,” Han admitted, knowing he couldn’t keep anything from Chan anyway, “He says odd things all the time but… I guess it was extra weird? Or extra confusing?”
Chan’s eyes squinted as Han bit onto his fork, “What could he have possibly said that was more out of pocket than what he usually says?”
“Maybe it was that he said it at 7 in the morning, you know? He’d asked about who I was working with today and when I told him it was an idol group… well he told me that I shouldn’t- couldn’t look at them too long because he was the only person I should be attracted to. He said I belonged to him? I think? The words kind of stopped making sense after he told me I should only look at him,” Han shook his head as he chewed and his ears began to become their usual shade of pink when Han discussed the very flirtatious things Minho said to him.
“...Oh.” Was all the response Chan could muster as his mouth hung open and he pulled his fork back to his side of the table. All he could do was blink slowly as he looked between his fork and Han, “And you’re sure you’re not dating?”
Han nodded pitifully with an a-Nimated frown on his face like he was a teary-eyed hamster, “Pretty sure, he would’ve kissed me by now if we were dating, I’m sure of it.”
“Fair point,” Chan pursed his lips while making a ticking sound with his tongue, “So is he just fucking with you?”
“Maybe? But he sounded way too serious,” Han whined while he shoved more food in his mouth and Chan pulled out his phone to check the time, “And the other night, like a week ago he came home drunk and he kept looking at me like he might kiss me and he was clingy – which like he usually is but,” Han paused before continuing in a whisper like it wasn’t just the two of them in that room, “He wrapped his arms around my waist from behind me and buried his head in the crook of my neck and-”
“I feel like I’ve heard enough,” Chan interrupted, clearly not very interested in hearing about how Han’s stomach was flipping around all during this and his heart was threatening to carve its way out of his chest, “Lunch is almost over anyway. We should clean up.”
The two cleaned up their food before heading back into the recording studio and getting back to work. Talking to Chan had made Han feel a little lighter and more focused, even if it was short and cut off by time and Chan not wanting to listen to Han complain about not dating his friend who he had a crush on for years.
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Chapter 4
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“Walrus Hyung-”
“Walrus Hyung?” Changbin turned his head and glared at Han, who simply ignored him and moved on.
“Yeah, I need your advice on how to-”
“Walrus Hyung?”
“Changbinnie Hyung.” Han relented and gave up on the stupid nickname he’d accidentally given to his Hyung years ago while tipsy and doing a free style rap for his birthday.
“That’s better.”
“Anyhow, Hyung, I wanted to ask for your advice about something.”
Changbin arched one of his eyebrows and clicked his tongue as he turned away from his laptop where I was working on the instrumental for one of 3rachas ‘when we have time’ albums, “Is it about Minho Hyung?”
“Maybe…”
“You know Hyunjin and Felix are way better at the whole romance thing yeah?”
“Well yeah, but I’m asking about him not romancing him.” Han rested his cheek against the palm of his hand, “You know like the way he thinks, cuz he said something weird to me a few days ago.”
Changbin sucked in a breathe before answering, “You know him best, Hannie; none of the rest of us have even the slightest clue what goes on inside his head. But you’re the Minho expert remember?”
“Self proclaimed.”
“But he agrees. And he’s the Han expert too.” Changbin chuckled, teasing Han, who began to gnaw on his cheek a little.
“Well okay, but I just can’t figure this one out so help me out Hyunggie~” Han pleaded as he tugged on Changbin’s sleeve which garnered him a soft smile.
“Okay fine, what weird thing did he say to you this time? And why can’t you figure it out, Hannie?”
Han told his story to Changbin, who simply stared at him like he was missing something entirely.
“So he told you that you belong to him… And you think he was being platonic about that?”
“Changbinnie Hyung. Do you think he was just messing with me?” Han whined as he pouted and looked around the office to avoid eye contact with his Hyung, who like Chan was definitely tired of him and his stupid yearning by now.
“Well then tell him the idols were gorgeous, no one could compare. And if you weren’t working with them you might ask one of them on a date – whichever one looks the most like Minho. See how he reacts.” Changbin grinned as he sighed and pushed a rag doll like Han away back onto the couch.
“No one looks like Minho, he’s a one of a kind beauty.”
“Then pick who ever is prettiest to you. Or whichever one you get along with best, make it seem like there could actually be a chance you’d try and go on a date with them. Maybe even get them in on it sometime soon.” Changbin suggested as he turned back to
his laptop and ushered Han away so he could get his work done.
“Eugh fine fine.” Han got up and walked away to drown himself in his work to distract himself. Obviously not before considering which of the idols he was most likely to actually become friends with during this work period and sending Minho a text that he’d be home late.
‘Don’t come home too late Han-ah, I can’t sleep without you~’
‘I promise I won’t be too late.’
Han would’ve spent more time blushing and fretting over what Minho had sent except he’d said this a hundred times before and Han had work to do.
Work that he spent his time on for the next four hours before eventually getting a call from Minho.
“Jagiya, said you wouldn’t be too late~”
“Oh- sorry Hyung, I wasn’t paying attention to the clock; I’ll go get on the train.”
“No need, I’m outside.” Minho cooed and a moment later there was a knock on his door, the pattern Minho always used when knocking.
“Hyung?” Han heard his voice echo from Minho’s phone as he turned off his laptop and opened his office door: “Who let you in?”
“Channie.” Minho grinned as he hung up the call and stepped in uninvited, “He told me you’d been distracted all week, don’t tell me you’ve fallen for one of the idols you’re working with? I’d be so sad if you'd let go of me.”
Normally Han would’ve reassured Minho that he was a one of the kind beauty or that Han didn’t mix work and feelings but he remembered Changbin’s suggestion so he went for it, “One of them is just so pretty, and he’s sweet too. Not a real crush or anything,
but Rui Shi is just stunning.” Han waved his hand as he smiled.
“Rui-Nim?” Minho asked, his face scrunching in a confusing but possibly jealous manner as he nibbled on his bottom lip while he and Han walked out of the studio.
“Yeah, and he’s only a few months younger than me, too. Pretty nice,” Han watched Minho’s reaction while smiling more out of the enjoyment of watching Minho squirm than to pretend he’s into Rui.
“I came all the way here to pick you up and here you are talking about other men,” Minho whined as he pulled Han in by the waist who’s only reaction was to just laugh full-heartedly, “How mean of you Jagiya!”
Han just laughed as Minho dramatically complained and swung Han around just a bit as they walked out, “I’m messing with you Hyunggie, work and feelings never clash!”
“But you’re still into him anyway! Ackk Rui-Nim is stealing my Hannie!”
“Your Hannie?” Han joked all flushed as he jokingly pushed Minho away from him, his big toothy smile on full display.
“Yes, my Hannie! I can’t believe Rui-Nim is taking you away from me~” Minho gently grabbed Hans shoulders and shook him while they walked to Minho’s car.
“I’m not going anywhere, Hyung.” He slipped into the passenger seat of the car as Minho turned the car on.
“Promise Hannie?”
“Promise what Hyung?”
“Promise me you’re not going anywhere… That you’re all mine?” Minho turned his head to Han and grinned at him but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, there was a glint of something serious that he was trying to hide with silly dramatics and wide grins.
“I promise you I’m not going anywhere, Minho Hyung,” Han glanced around and finished the rest of his promise in a shy whisper, “I’m all yours.”
Minho nodded proudly as he drove the pair out of the parking lot and all the way home, “The cats have been missing you all evening, Dori won’t leave your room. He’s been whining and begging for extra treats. The ones you hide in your room.” He chuckled as
they pulled into their parking space outside of their apartment.
“Awww, well, he is my baby after all, I’ll be sure to dote on him extra. Doongie and Soongie too, I’m sure they’ll be happy to see us.”
“Mmm I’m sure they will be, have you eaten dinner?”
“Ah, I haven’t actually. I’ll warm something up.”
Minho hummed in the displeased manner he always did when Han didn’t take care of himself well enough, “I’ll make you something if you’re willing to wait.”
“It’s okay Hyung, I made you and the kitties wait too long. I’ll warm up whatever left overs we have.”
“You deserve a good warm meal, Hannie.” Minho argued while he stood in front of their apartment door and refusing to unlock the door until Han agreed with him (which he wasn’t going to do. Both of them are beyond stubborn.)
“You fed me something delicious this morning; that’s more than I could ask for. And don’t you have a few things you need to get done?” Han dismissed Minho, pushing him out of the way and unlocking the door himself, “Plus we have tasty left overs from warm
meals you’ve made me before Hyunggie.”
Han was doing his best not to look at Minho for too long because he’d start thinking about the whole ‘you belong to me’ thing. So instead of letting Minho watch him blush and get shy he walked into the kitchen quickly and opened up the fridge to peer inside.
“Hannie?”
“Hm?”
“Are you avoiding me, Hannie?”
Han whipped his head around, his eyes big and wide as he stared at Minho before snorting, trying to hide that he was being seen through, “What? No? Why would I avoid you Hyunggie? And how do we live together?” He smirked, turning himself back to the
fridge and scanning for food.
“You don’t usually work like this. I know you and Channie Hyung are working with that idol group for their album and it’s like a big deal but… Even Channie left before you. I feel like that’s pretty telling for you burying yourself in work.” Minho sighed, clearly
walking toward Han who was trying to seem casual as he made up some sort of excuse.
“Ah well, I had some work that had pilled up, so I needed to get it out of the way. So I could spend more time with you later in the week.” He tried to circle back his excuse to spending time with Minho to maybe please him or get him off of Hans back just a little
bit.
Minho hummed clearly not convinced as he stared Han down, making him nervous and sweat just a little. Despite this he walked closer and just before Han thought he might say or do something or press the issue more he bent down and picked up Soongie.
“Mmm Soongie baby, did you miss Hannie tonight? Did he take too long to come home? Hmm baby?” Han let out a silent breathe as Minho walked away from the kitchen with his baby in his arms.
He kept looking through the fridge and eventually picked out some left over pasta with chicken and vegetables to reheat and eat, “I can’t keep living like this, can I?” He huffed the words out in a whisper, not paying attention to his surroundings as he watched the microwave whir in front of him.
“Can’t keep living like what Han-ah?” Minho’s voice was honey smooth as he spoke and wrapped an arm around Hans waist, startling him and causing him to make an embarrassing squeaky sound in response.
“I- uh, nothing. Just.” He scrambled for a believable excuse that he simply couldn’t find because how do you respond to a question like that without the excuse being obvious. Han hadn’t really ever lied to Minho before and yet here he was tonight lying to him
more than he had any of the rest of the years he’d known him.
“What can’t live avoiding me? Can’t live with that crush on Rui-Nim?” Minho teased, his words brushing Hans ear as he squeezed Hans abdomen with his forearm and pulled him closer to him.
“I told you I’m- I’m not avoiding you Hyung.” The words barely made it out of Hans mouth while he turned his head away from Minho.
“You’re a bad liar Hannie, please don’t lie to me.” Minho pleaded as he rubbed his thumb in a circle on Hans side.
Han sighed and maybe he would have relented and told Minho about his crush on him. Confessed that he was confused about what Minho had said about Han belonging to him. But the microwave beeped and his dinner was ready, Minho let go with a sigh and
walked into his bedroom with a belated goodnight.
It made Hans heart tighten in pain, usually Minho asked to cuddle or to watch shows in Hans bedroom where he of course always fell asleep.
Han ate his pasta with only the light of his phone to keep him company; all three cats had retreated to Minho’s room with him. Hans only choice was to text Felix and Hyunjin, ask for advice. Although he kind of knew he wouldn’t get any different of a response
than usual.
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Chapter 5
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It had been a few days since Minho had last slept in Hans bed with him and it was making him feel uneasy. Clearly, he was upset, but really, what was Han supposed to say to make it better? He promised him he’d always be Minho’s and that he was never going
anywhere. Was he expected to confess his undying love to Minho to smooth it over? Was it even an alright thing for Minho to be this upset over what could be the tiniest white lie, a stupid truth, or a secret third thing.
It made every day at work 300 times worse; his stomach churned all day every day, and it made it hard to eat. Every knock on his door, no matter how close or far away from Minho’s pattern, made his anxiety spike. What if Minho randomly showed up? What
would he do? What would he say? What if he flirted with Han and all Han could do was stutter and blush?
What if he met Rui Shi and Hans whole lie fell through because he couldn’t even begin to act attracted to him. Not that Rui wasn’t good looking but he wasn’t Minho, no one could ever be Minho. What if one of his friends said something and he didn’t or couldn’t
cover for himself?
And not having Minho and the cats in his room on top of his anxiety, shortened conversations with Minho, and lack of warm breakfast made sleeping hard, made living his life as he did just a week ago tough. But he couldn’t take time off; that would leave his
brain unoccupied for too many hours, and eventually he’d make himself sick.
Seriously sick. And then he’d have to take sick leave. But if it got to that point, who would he ask to take care of him? Clearly he couldn’t ask Minho, not that he ever would. So who would he ask? His family? No too far away for something stupid like this? His
friends? No, they had their own lives; they didn’t deserve to have to take care of him like a baby because he couldn’t admit his feelings to his best friend and roommate. They gave him advice, told him to be ballsy – they had been doing that for years now. So
there was no way Han could burden them with that, too.
His head spun all day; he worked on autopilot while trying to hide that he felt like the comfortable, rose tinted world he lived in was falling apart. His hands were permanently shaky, and his leg never stopped bouncing. Still, he did his best to be nice to
everyone, but he could tell Chan and Changbin noticed. That they were worried, so he started to avoid them too.
And when Jeongin reached out to check on him, Han canceled their usual monthly weekend together. He didn’t explain anything to anyone, no matter who they were; he just tried to tell them he was tired. That they shouldn’t worry. Every single ‘are you okay?’
‘Do you need someone to talk to?’ was turned down. Ignored or given a quick response, ‘yes.’ ‘no, I’m okay.’
Not so slowly Han shut himself off from the world. No one's fault but his own, he hid in his room when he wasn’t working. Watching old comfort shows, eating cheap convenience food because even eating Minho’s left overs reminded him of the small mistake
he made that led him to spiral and dig his own grave.
“merow?” One of the cats meowed from outside, and it reminded Han that he wasn’t just neglecting his own needs but also ignoring the cats among others who never did anything wrong or upsetting. Even the cats he lived with could tell that something was
wrong – with him.
He crack open his door and crouched down to scratch Doris chin, “Hi Dori,” Han cooed as the cat walked into his room and jumped onto his bed. As he closed his door he heard Minho’s door crack but he ignored it and rolled into bed with the Dori who only
wanted his attention right now.
The two cuddled together while Han softened into his love; eventually, he fell asleep, and it was the first relaxing night of sleep he had had all week. He slept for 12 hours on an empty stomach and woke up wanting real food. Not the takeout he’d been shoving
into his mouth all week, not even a restaurant meal, but something real. Something made by Minho.
Minho’s meals had always made Han feel warm inside; maybe it was the crush, maybe it was the cats or the house smelling like the meal too. Han didn’t want to know, he didn’t want to think about it. Thinking about Minho made him feel so guilty, raw, stupid,
and upset.
This was all his fault, and he knew it. But what the hell could he do now? It’d been a week of his stupid angry sulking instead of talking to an obviously upset Minho. He couldn’t really go back now, could he? A week wasn’t long, but a week of distrust and anger
could possibly never be repaired. Could Han repair it? Did he have a right to ask Minho why he was upset? To try and force him to fix it?
Has anyone noticed?
Would anyone notice if he just disappeared? Was Han that important to anyone? Obviously Han’s friends cared, but in the pit he was laying in, trying to bury himself alive, he couldn’t help but feel like it was out of obligation.
Han heard Minho leave the apartment and his body relaxed, Dori leaped out of his bed and trotted to the door. Han knew Minho would have food out for the cats but he decided he should check, just in case. And the cat's food was there, but so was a sticky note and food underneath it.
“You’re getting hollow Han-ah, eat something good.”
All Han could do was sob while he sat on the floor and let the food get cold. Such a simple act of kindness, and it made Han feel like someone was carving his heart out of his chest; his lungs were being squeezed, and all of his muscles were twitching, shivering,
and shaking.
Eventually after having Doongie lick his cheek where a tear was and having Dori but his shins for treats Han got up. He ate the food Minho had made, a simple and gentle soup. It warmed Han up from the inside, and for awhile, he felt okay. Good even.
He cuddled up with all three cats and talked to them, all the while guilt kept gnawing at the back of Hans conscience. Han had gotten so bad that the guy who was upset and angry with him was worrying and taking care of him.
Despite Hans growth and the promises he’d made to his friends years ago about regulating his emotions better with or without his medication, he let his life flip upside down. He spiraled and isolated himself despite having told those who care about him that he
wouldn’t. That he’d stick out being uncomfortable to ensure that he wouldn’t lock himself away from the world. And yet here he was.
The idea made him sick, the guilt made him sick, and his only option was to sweat, to hold down how he felt. And eventually, when it got to be too much, he pushed himself to the bathroom, holding the wall and shaking as his eyes glued themselves to the
floor. When he got there, all he could do was throw up, which he kept doing for as long as his body let him.
Eventually, he was too tired to even be sick, so he leaned himself against the bathtub and closed his eyes while the cats watched from the doorway.
“It’s okay Soongie, Doongie, Dori. I’ll be okay, I promise,” Han reassured the cats despite their lack of knowledge of the Korean language. He waved his hand lightly as the other one held onto his stomach and Dori trotted over to rub his head into Hans palm.
There was a gentle purr as all cats agreed to cuddle up with Han on the floor. Like a silent consensus that he needed them, that he was only letting the cats come near him.
They all stayed there until Han heard the keypad at the door begin to beep, and he forced himself up. He washed his hands with an excessive amount of soup and pushed himself into his room, all three cats scattering to greet Minho at the door.
Han was hoping that the meal Minho had left out being eaten would make him worry less. Maybe even forget about it entirely. He was also hoping Minho wouldn’t notice the scent of puke in the hallway. But really, all he could do was roll into his bed and bury
himself in his comforter and worries.
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Chapter 6
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Chapter Text
“Hey, everyone’s here; you should come on out and hangout.” Minho suggested from the other side of Hans door. Normally, he would’ve walked in, he would’ve joked and smiled or something. But there he was telling Han through a door that he used to behave
like never existed.
Han could tell that all of his seven closest friends were in his living room, joking, laughing, watching a show, making popcorn, and making themselves at home the way they usually did. Han hummed an acknowledgment to what Minho had said and rolled out of
bed, “I’ll be out in a bit.”
“I’m glad, I haven’t seen you all week.”
“Ah really? It’s been that long hm?” Hans words probably didn’t even fully reach Minho who was beyond the door. It was week two… two and half of Han trying to find a way to disappear from everyone lives without them noticing. And truly what held him back
was work and Minho’s cats, they could tell something was wrong and an upset Minho was giving them less attention than usual.
Han could tell that Minho had more to say but was holding himself back. Han slid into more presentable clothes and opened the door, expecting an empty hallway only to come face to face with Minho.
“Han-ah” Minho’s voice cracked as his eyebrows crunched themselves together in worry and he reached out to hold onto Hans arms, “You’ve been refusing to talk to any of us for… 17 days? Please try to have fun today; you don’t deserve to be in the hell you’ve
put yourself in. You don’t deserve to be sick and throwing up all the time. Please. Relax, even if just for this afternoon.”
Han nodded lightly while he stared at Minho’s hand like it was burning his skin.
“Han-ah, speak to me,” Minho pleaded as he pushed himself into Hans room while his eyes skittered around the room in a panic.
“Hyung,” Hans' voice was coarse, dry, hollow, and far away; “I’ve just had a bad few weeks; I promise I’m okay.” Han reassured Minho while forcing a smile onto his face that didn’t reach his eyes or soul.
“You’re not okay Hannie, please talk to me. Cry, sob, be angry, do anything but be hollow. Please Hannie.” Minho pulled Han toward him and wrapped his arms around Han, “Please Han-ah, did I do something?”
Hans heart shattered into a million pieces, Minho was the type of person who tried to keep his feelings to himself and process them alone, to have him be this vulnerable with Han while asking if he’d done something wrong. It was a grave Han had dug for himself, and yet here, his best friend and long-time crush was asking him if he’d done something wrong.
And technically sure Minho’s reaction to Han possibly being attracted to someone he was working with was the beginning of his spiral but it’s not on Minho that Han spiraled. It was his fault Han couldn’t mange his emotions or talk to Minho about it.
“N-no Hyung, it’s not your fault,” Han forced his spiral to the back of his mind, “I promise you its a Han issue not a real issue,” Han chuckled while he tried to smoothly get Minho to let go of him. He felt like he might break down and sob if Minho held him any
tighter or any longer.
He could tell Minho wanted to hold him longer but Chan called from the kitchen, “Love birds~ get out here!” the term love birds made Hans stomach churn, but he kept it down and walked out of his room as he let himself pick at the band-aids around his
fingers.
“Hey Channie Hyung, what’s up?” Han smiled gently as he split from Minho to watch Chan cook, of course everyone noticed. Han and Minho were known as the chopsticks of the groups, plus Han had been ignoring all of them for almost three weeks by now.
“Sooo Hannie,” Chan turned to him and arched one of his eyebrows up, “What’s been going on with you?” He asked in a whisper, despite the fact that everyone knew there was something going on with him.
“Ah- uh, nothing,” Han glanced his eyes away from Chan and tried to peel away from him, but Chan refused to let him off so he grabbed Hans forearm, gently but firmly.
“I haven’t talked to you for almost three weeks Hannie, I work with you; you used to come into my office every single day and harass me into taking a break. So nothing? Really? You’re going to lie to me and say that nothing’s wrong? What do you think I am
stupid?” Chan pulled Han back toward him, and all Han could do was stare at him for a moment with tears caught on the edge of his eyes.
“Okay well, I think I made Minho Hyung upset weeks ago by pretending to be attracted to one of the idols,” Chan’s face twisted into confusion as his hold on Han loosened, “I was joking about it but maybe I took it too far? He walked away from me upset and-
and you know how we usually sleep in the same bed, yeah? He went to sleep in his room and he took all the cats with him and… and saying it out loud I just sound stupid don’t I? It’s just that it made me worry that I’d made him really angry, and if he had been
into me before, he wouldn’t be anymore. Like I’d tossed my chance at a relationship out a window and stomped on it.” Han gnawed on his lip and picked at the band-aids covering the raw skin of his fingers.
“The two of you are really stupid, aren’t you?” Hyunjin quipped from behind Han who immediately whipped his head around to look at him, “If you joking or even genuinely being attracted to one of the idols you’re working with tossed you’re whole chance at
dating out the window then it was never going to be a good relationship anyway,” Hyunjin sighed with a smile on his face as he patted Hans shaking shoulder, “He’s been waiting for you for years, scared he was misinterpreting. He’s just been pouting that just
as he was working up the courage to ask you out you suddenly found someone who might be the love of your life,” Hyunjin joked before he picked up a snack from the counter and walked away.
Han stood there baffled as he watched Hyunjin walk away before he turned his head back to Chan, “He’s been waiting?”
“He never stops fucking talking about you. It’s always ‘Han would like this or that’ anytime we hangout or do something,” Chan sighed with a smile on his face as he let go of Han who simply stood there and got pink.
“O-oh.”
“Yeah.” Chan clicked his tongue as he turned his attention back to slicing up apples, and Han stared holes into the back of Minho’s head as Felix messed with him – being one of two people who could mess with him without getting a genuine threat of violence
in response.
They spent the rest of the evening hanging out, laughing, joking, and drinking. Han was quieter than usual, but he felt lighter than he had in awhile, like a genuine real warmth was spreading throughout his body. In a way, he couldn’t regurgitate the way he had
been eating for a little while. But eventually, late at night the six friends who came to lighten the mood went on home warm and fuzzy with a few confidence boosting back pats to both Minho and Han.
As Minho shut the door on Jeongin and Seungmin who left last he sighed and turned to Han with a light smile. Albeit a little anxious, it actually reached his eyes; clearly, the beer had loosened him, and he felt better after actually seeing Han being social instead
of holing up in his room.
“Do you feel better now, Hannie?”
“Yeah… thanks for worrying. I- I’m sorry for making you worry, Hyung.”
“Don’t apologize Han-ah.”
“But- I worried you and our friends and the cats for almost three weeks!” Han fought back as his shoulders scrunched and he held onto the edge of the counter, “You deserve an apology for shutting you out like that, so do they! I promised you guys that I
wouldn’t… that I wouldn’t self isolate like that and push you away.”
Minho sighed and leaned against the doorway, “Hannie, you can’t really control your spiraling, at the very least you should be proud of yourself that it wasn’t worse. Remember last time?”
Han nodded shamefully, he remembered all too well what had happened last time. He had no reason at all, and he threw his medication bottles across his room before disappearing for the whole day, forcing his friends group to search for him late at night and
remind him that he was important to them. He never wanted to behave like that again.
“Talk to me Hannie, what happened to make you spiral?” Minho walked closer to Han and took his hand.
“I just. I felt bad about avoiding you, and lying to you about being attracted to Rui Shi… I wanted to see if it made you jealous.” Han looked at the ground in shame as his ears and face warmed up with blush, “And I felt bad about making you upset over it, and I
was really upset when you went to sleep in your own bed because I missed you,” Han sighed turning his head away from Minho who just chuckled gently.
“I’m sorry that I didn’t try to communicate that I was upset; I didn’t want to ruin you feeling good about having a crush on Rui-Nim. But I did it poorly, so I’m sorry. But I’m also glad to know you missed me, Hannie.” Minho teased as he brushed Hans bangs out
of his eyes while he made an exaggerated pouting face.
“I shouldn’t have spiraled over something so small though,” Han stated as Minho rolled his eyes.
“Like I said Hannie, you don’t get control of your spiraling,” Minho held Hans face in his hand and gently rubbed his thumb across his cheek, “Do you feel better after admitting that to me Hannie?”
Han nodded into Minho’s hand while he stubbornly tried to keep himself from kissing Minho’s palm or telling him that he was in love with him and had been for way too long. But Minho didn’t really give him the chance to avoid it.
“You wanted to make me jealous, Hannie? Does that mean you have feelings for me?” He teased as he pulled Han closer to him, possibly too close.
“I-oh, I… Yeah.” Han stubbornly admitted his feelings as Minho just kept looking at him. Now that Han was pulled out of his pit and was really looking at Minho instead of running away from him he could tell that Minho was tired. That he hadn’t been getting
good sleep either, and it hurt Hans' heart.
It reminded him just how much his self destruction and isolation hurt others, that him wallowing in his own pit of pain wasn’t just him alone, it was his friends reaching into the pit and trying to drag him out, and the effort was painful, stressful, and tiring.
Han wasn’t alone. And no matter how much he wanted to be, no matter how much he wanted to run away from the love he was being given, he wouldn’t be alone. His friends and family wouldn’t leave him alone; they’d never give him the chance to really run away.
And he would have cried, he would have sobbed but Minho pulled him into a kiss and suddenly everything was alright again. His muscles relaxed, and he melted into the kiss. The two kept kissing; once they started, they couldn’t stop. And they changed from
gentle and sweet to rough, heavy, and desperate.
Minho pulled on Hans bottom lip and Han held Minho’s face with both hands, now that he had him Han had no intention of letting him go. So they kept kissing, huffing breaths into each other's mouths, running tongues against each other's mouths, making
crude sloppy sounds, and their mouths mashed together and their bodies pressed as closely as they could be.
Minho slipped his hand under Hans shirt making him squeak in surprised and then moan gently as Minho began to knead at Hans body. The two continued to feel each other's bodies in a way they never had before and pushing themselves clumsily against walls,
counters, and doors before falling into Hans' bedroom and onto his bed.
Han felt like everything was right with the world now. This was all he could have ever asked for, really.
And the joy was unimaginable, the ecstasy was endless.