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The night in which they had drinks and spoke about anything and everything, seemed more like a dream to him than anything now. The details of it were a blur, but the giddy feeling and his jumpy heart whenever he remembered was a sign that he had enjoyed himself thoroughly.
Yet, now, approaching the captain felt like a complete ordeal. The more he tried to approach him, the more he felt like walls were being put up.
His courage had heightened, for a bit, watching over as the man discussed things with their fellow subordinates. Only when he was left completely alone, Shishido approached.
“Captain, do you have a moment?” The question would sit there, between silence, almost drowned away. He thinks to repeat it, maybe Tsuruno didn’t hear him – he hasn’t even looked at him.
“Cap–”
“Not now, Shishido.” He replies quickly, stands from his seat, and walks away. Their eyes don’t meet. Hiding behind the shades, his gaze doesn’t reach his subordinate. And though the door closes and no one is there anymore, Shishido stands stunned.
The next time he approached, he had a good excuse – job related issues.
“Captain–”
“I heard, Shishido. What do you suggest?”
It’s quick and uncharacteristically distant. But he continues, anyway.
“You and I, we should go together.”
“Why? You’re more than capable of handling a little tussle without me, right?”
“Of course, but…”
“Then, you’ve got this, Shishido. I’ll handle the paperwork here.”
And that was the end of that.
The next few days, Shishido doesn’t attempt an approach. Third time’s the charm and he doesn’t want to waste it. He’ll keep his distance until it is Tsuruno who approaches.
Or so that was his plan. In the end, whenever he looks at him from afar, whenever their gaze almost meets but fails, he finds himself yearning to try again all the more.
Just one more time. Try to speak to him one more time.
He knew what to do, eventually, as the days went by. He had to confront him. What good was a second in command if he couldn’t speak to his superior? Right, he had to prove himself to Tsuruno. He could overcome even this, for all of them, for him.
Today, again, he approaches.
And, when their eyes finally meet, it feels just as cold as they were during his first attempt. It makes him doubt the memories. Did he actually have fun? Did Tsuruno even enjoy himself when they seemingly poured their feelings out? Was that what they had done or did he imagine those parts?
The questions continued to pile up until all of that courage just fizzled out. He is back to square one, back to feeling small, back to the looming anger.
Because it makes his blood boil to think he misunderstood, that his Captain had just been kind, that he was just another subordinate, despite all of his efforts.
“Don’t you want me?” It’s a question he has been asking in his head, it bubbles out subtly as he turns back, a tug pulling him in place.
“What was that, Shishido?” Tsuruno asks, genuine, a disheveled tone as he tries to get the other to look at him. He is the one on the receiving end now, and he doesn’t like it at all. “Shishido.”
It’s easy to get the other to look at him, easy for Shishido to lift his slightly angered gaze at the man, still respectful in a way.
But he refuses to open his mouth. He shakes his head, trying to let him know that it was nothing. A lie. Tsuruno knows, so he shakes his head back.
“Shishido,” he calls for him again, stern, almost an imploration.
Shishido hesitates, he wants to pull away and leave, he wants to be the one to break their closeness now…
But, the more he thinks about it, as he stares at the face he has been adoring for so long, he realizes that he is wrong to think that way. He turns fully to the other man.
“I’m sorry,” his reply causes a click of the tongue from his captain and slight panic surfaces from the way Shishido’s breath grows sharp. “I… said something I shouldn’t have.”
“What did you say, Shishido? I want to hear it. Tell me, clearly.”
Eyes dart to the side and the back at Tsuruno’s, those eyes welcome him in return, encouraging him to speak.
“...Don’t you want me?”
It’s simple, straightforward, low on the tone Shishido desperately tries to keep even. The beating of his heart, unbeknownst to him, beats in tandem to Tsuruno’s as the two look at each other.
What is a Captain to say in a situation like this and why did he want to force this situation to come up, anyway? He knows what he has been doing, what he has been trying to prevent, and yet here he is, pushing against his own actions.
The answer to that question is so easy it almost hurts to even have to let the silence linger. Pushing Shishido to repeat it only cements the desire to answer it.
“Of course I do,” he says and Shishido scoffs, breaking eye contact, roughly trying to move his arm away as he had planned before.
“You don’t get it.” He states, a slight pain surfacing.
“No, you don’t get it, Shishido. I do want you. I want you more than you can even imagine.”
The two pause for a bit, studying the expression they shared, the one that mimicked the reaction to hearing a dire secret that shouldn’t have been spoken.
They want to let that impasse be the deciding factor, the one to finish this conversation, however uncomfortable it might be. It was better than the alternative, they thought. To face what the other was feeling, what moved them to separate from each other.
“Then… Then why?” Shishido takes the courage to say it, because this was his third attempt, and he had to try his best before it all crumbled. He couldn’t let the silence win, after all.
“Because, the other day, you…” The pause is longer than Shishido would want it to be, a couple of seconds that seemed to stretch on and on.
“I what, Captain?”
Tsuruno is unsure, he swallows hard. Shishido is the one to place his hand against the other's now. Support, he wanted to call it, though he employed it in part because he needed the touch to feel him, instead.
“You got scared. That day, when we were drinking.” He remembers it a little too vividly. The approach, his hands cupping Shishido's scarred face, soothing it. For a while, it seemed like Shishido enjoyed his touch and how he closed in on him. Shishido’s eyes closed, inviting him in. And Tsuruno drew closer, enjoying the serene look he thought he had manifested on Shishido’s face. They enjoyed each other’s company, how their breaths intertwined.
Until…
“I almost kissed you.” Shishido's eyes widened, just a little bit. He tries not to show surprise or joy, wary of what comes after this reveal… Because those words are like honey, but Tsuruno delivers them as if he were sinking a knife to his throat. “When I was about to, you recoiled. Harshly . You… You backed away. You were scared, that much was a given.”
“What? I– I don’t remember that. Weren’t we both drunk? How do you–?”
“I was drunk, yeah. Not as much as you, though. That’s why I shouldn’t have. I should have stopped myself. I knew I was crossing the line, that I should have waited for you to take the next step… And yet…”
“No, Captain, I–” Shishido takes a sharp breath, desperate to try and explain. “I’d never be afraid of you. Not you… ”
“You were. At that moment, you were so scared. Terrified of me. Even remembering it just…”
“No! Not you– Not you. I want you, too. That day, I wanted you so badly. But, for a second, I let my guard down… I closed my eyes as you were closing in and…”
“ He appeared, didn’t he?” Tsuruno replies in acknowledgment. He gets it now. Shishido can’t say much at first. When he tries to remember that point in time, he can only see Tsuruno. But, when he concentrates on what happened when he closed his eyes, things start to make sense and he feels his face grow hot.
That serene look on Shishido’s face before, when they were both overwhelmed by each other with newfound, drunken bravery… “Did you fall asleep right as we were–”
“Don’t finish that sentence, Captain. It’s embarrassing to think about.” Shishido pauses for a little, moving to scratch the back of his head before he continues. He knows, if he doesn’t, Tsuruno might jump to other assumptions. “You made me feel peaceful. I was looking forward to that, to the kiss. So much so that, maybe, I got scared when it didn’t come, instead.”
Tsuruno listens, he lets out a small chuckle, a light smile coming up briefly. That small part of the situation was unediably amusing.
“You mean to say… I should have been faster?”
“Of course not, Captain. But,...” Tsuruno waves his hand briefly.
“It doesn’t matter, I still reminded you of him.” And that was what hurt the most. But Shishido’s eyes widen in panic, he attempts to remain on the man’s view.
“No! You’d never remind me of him.”
“But I did, you saw him.”
“It was the peace. It was the calm before the storm. Back then, whenever I let my guard down, I–” Tsuruno sighs in acknowledgment, he gets it. He always does, he knows better than to assume. His subordinate looks over to the floor, trying to find something, maybe the right words.
What now, Tsuruno wondered. They were at an odd middle ground, he couldn’t find a way to continue speaking forward. Somehow, he still thought himself inadequate. Even as Shishido confessed wanting him back, even as he could not shake the need to have him close. He thought about leaving.
“Can you do it now, Captain?” When he hears this, his head tilts, his eyebrows knit.
“Do what?” He is almost bewildered at his own conclusions from this, but he listens, carefully.
“Kiss me.” Shishido asks and Tsuruno does not wait for the silence to take over again.
“No.”
“No…?”
“No. I’d much rather hold you, right now.” And then kiss you. “You need it. I’ll ease you up to it, I won't jump the gun like I did before.”
“But I– I promise I’m okay. I don't need you to ease me up to it.”
“This time, I want to be the one to dictate that, Shishido. I don’t want to ever see you so scared of me. Never again. I’ll be more careful.”
“You don’t have to be.” Shishido insists, to another click of Tsuruno's tongue.
“But I want to be. You’d be like that with me, too. You have been.”
As if to contradict that, a hand slides over the side of Tsuruno’s neck toward the back of it, it pulls with force, their lips touch. It’s not as gentle, not as careful, but the desperation of it is sweet. It ends all too soon.
“Like that, Captain?” Shishido asks, with a small, mischievous smirk.
“Hah, you brat.” Tsuruno replies before he jumps right back in. He can hear Shishido’s groan at being called a brat, though they’re both too enthralled by each other to move away.
That kiss had been long overdue, and the longing just made the sensation all the better – irresistible.
They’d cling to it… They’d let it consume them.
“I don’t want to be away from you, Captain.” Shishido confesses when the stupor has died down, though the corpse is still there, as they hold each other captive.
“You’ll never have to. I understand now, Shishido. I understand.”
Once again, they’d spend their free time together. Tsuruno had promised himself that he'd make sure that Shishido wouldn’t feel even remnants of his past. And Shishido promised himself that he would would assure his Captain that he was the one he felt safest with – that he was the one he needed and wanted.
Night falls on the advent of their union.