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Yoshiki retracted his hand to his chest. It balled into a fist against him. His heart hammered at a slowing pace. The residual panic from the earlier situation was settling down. His gaze was fixed upon Hikaru , who was staring at the ground with disheartenment. Yoshiki wants to believe in what Hikaru says. He doesn’t want to believe that he is being lied to. If the sin the entity within Hikaru’s body carried was simply ignorance, then there was hope for him to teach it how to live amongst humans in peace.
Eventually, the silence that had fallen after his scolding was broken.
“Then…I want to know. What’s comfortable for you?” Hikaru was avoiding his gaze. Guilt was more apparent on his face than Yoshiki expected. As his eyes darted from one corner of the room to the other, they finally landed on Yoshiki’s with a distinctive softness. “I still think you should get more used to things like me. I won’t touch you back unless you want me to, so…” He trailed off with uncertainty. Open, vulnerable expressions like this were certainly exclusive to Hikaru .
Yoshiki let his hand relax by his side. He took a small breath. “Going in doesn’t feel that bad anymore. If you don’t act without telling me, I won’t be upset.” He was hesitant, but he took a step closer. His right palm settled on Hikaru ’s shoulder. From his height, he saw his friend in his entirety. The line splitting his chest open guided his eyes down to his abdomen. Yoshiki’s own stomach turned with something akin to an electric zap. The kind that always told him to back off in moments like these. To not look. That it was wrong to look.
This is Hikaru’s body, even if the person inside isn’t the same anymore.
He feels the need to psych himself up again to do it. When he closes his eyes, he suddenly finds Hikaru taking his free hand. “You can take your time.” His thumb brushed against Yoshiki’s palm in a comforting gesture. Yoshiki opened his eyes and felt his stomach getting a little warmer. “I thought you wanted to show up on time for club today.”
Hikaru’s eyes remained on his palm, not facing him. “It’s fine, I can be a little late.” Yoshiki was sure that the other was already late, but he didn’t see a point in arguing. It felt like he was having a good influence on Hikaru in that moment and wanted to see if his hopes were perhaps misplaced.
“Being thoughtful of others is the way to go.” Yoshiki praised. Those words lit a sparkle in Hikaru ’s eyes. Yoshiki found himself smiling, seeing that happiness.
“I’m not sure about others, but I want to be more thoughtful with you. The same way you’re always so nice to me!” The other replied. Yoshiki disliked certain words Hikaru likes to use in describing him. No matter how many times this Hikaru repeats them, he couldn’t let himself believe that what he does is ‘nice’ or ‘thoughtful’.
“You should think about others, too, like Maki and the rest. They’re all your friends.” Yoshiki brought his eyes to the top of Hikaru ’s head. His hand moved from his shoulder and ruffled the hair absentmindedly. Hikaru hummed in contentment. “They’re Hikaru’s friends, but you’re different. I can’t explain it, but I get the feeling that if you weren’t here from the beginning, then I wouldn’t be here either.” He tilted his head upwards to stare back at Yoshiki. A happy, almost bashful grin painted his face. “It’s how I know I love you so much!”
His heart thumped, and at the same time, his chest tightened. Yoshiki tried to swallow the feelings welling up within him, but he couldn’t. They got stuck in his throat and they ached.
“I think I can do it now.” He carefully retrieved his left hand from Hikaru ’s hold. Traces of his touch lingered, but Yoshiki shook off the thought. With his right hand sitting motionlessly on top of Hikaru ’s head, he let the other one hover in front of that long slit.
“Try reaching around this time. It felt nice before.”
Yoshiki nodded without a sound. He reached in with just as much hesitation as every other time. The immediate feeling didn’t surprise him like it did in the beginning. It was that strange coldness, a slimy but soft texture. Squishy. Feels slippery, but isn’t. Yoshiki wondered if it was only his mind trying to make sense of something he couldn’t comprehend.
Remembering how the other reacted the first time they did it, Yoshiki slowly reached his hand upwards. Hikaru stretched his neck, leaning back as it came open. Yoshiki saw the subtle changes on his face. Hikaru flushed with a soft hue. His eyes lit up in ecstasy. In what felt like a limitless space, Yoshiki pushed his hand in further, and a sound suddenly pierced the silence. Hikaru had leaned into his chest with a lewd noise.
“That spot, it feels so…” Yoshiki wasn’t thinking about what he was doing; he was letting his hand move on its own. His fingers arched in imitation of certain…things he had watched. He didn’t understand how, but Hikaru was reacting to it. He snuggled up against his heart in bliss. “Everything feels so… You’re so warm, Yoshiki…” As he said his name, his voice dragged playfully. Yoshiki didn’t know how to control his reaction. He was frozen in place, his heart hammering against his ribcage.
He felt shameful, so completely shameful.
“Do you…like this feeling because it’s warm?” Selfishly, his hand continued to move. It dragged up. Yoshiki watched his friend tilt his neck to the side. The slit almost split his lips open. “Mm, it’s part of it. It also feels right, having you this close.” Hikaru took his right hand. He pulled it down against his cheek and leaned into it. The light in his eyes and the pleasure across his face looked almost ethereal. It was another distinctively Hikaru expression. Non-human, dangerous, wrong.
Heat was flooding his entire being. Absent-mindedly, Yoshiki pondered if the flames could just burn him.
“Can I touch you back?” He heard Hikaru asking. Yoshiki knew that he was reaching his limit, but he gave a silent nod. Even a distraction like that was welcome.
Immediately, as if Hikaru had jumped at the opportunity, he felt that ‘ something’ wrapping around his wrist. Yoshiki shuddered as fear peered into his heart, then a sudden sense of relief washed over him. Whenever Hikaru touches him, his mind goes unexplainably blank. Stress… pain, it vanishes. It feels good. His head feels emptier. It’s a similar sensation to when you suddenly get up from bed and the world turns blurry. It feels like he doesn’t need to think.
He didn’t think when he slouched down and took Hikaru’s face with his hand. He didn’t consider what he was doing when he pushed the other's face against his own and let the all-consuming hunger stabbing at his heart take over. He didn’t want to think when Hikaru’s lips felt chapped and his mouth felt warm. Yoshiki didn’t want to acknowledge how this was wrong and how he had just lectured Hikaru about not taking advantage of others and how much of a hypocritical, piece of shit this made him–
“Yoshiki.”
Yoshiki gasped. He retracted, but an arm had wrapped around his waist. It kept him in place as he panted in disbelief. Hikaru wasn’t ‘touching him back’ anymore. He probably hadn’t been doing it for a minute or two.
“I-I’m sorry. Hikaru , I’m so–” Tenderly, Hikaru held his face. He gazed at him with affection, so much emotion that he doesn’t deserve to receive. “What are you apologizing for? Isn’t this what feels good for you?” Uselessly, Yoshiki tried backing away. He shook his head repeatedly, but Hikaru kept holding onto him. “That’s not…not what we were supposed to be doing.” Guilt ate at his heart. His breath quickened. His vision almost turned blurry from tears.
When he was about to panic, Hikaru ‘touched’ him again, and the next moment his heart wasn’t in pain anymore.
Yoshiki exhaled a shallow breath. He directed his gaze to his arm that was almost elbow deep into the other's chest, then to his friend, who still wouldn’t let go of him.
“It’s the same end result. It’s easier to do this when you also like it, and I think I’m learning how much is too much for you.” Hikaru tugged at his collar. Yoshiki could feel his breath against his mouth. “That was a kiss, wasn’t it? I think I liked it too.” Giving in, Yoshiki closed his eyes. He felt lips pressing against his own. They were warm, and as he opened his mouth, they felt wet. His own face was quivering. His knees felt weak.
Between how good it felt to kiss his most precious person and the weight it was bringing down upon his conscience, he quickly became overwhelmed. Yoshiki moved his head away and sank to his knees. He took his arm back. In the aftermath, he wrapped them around his best friend and buried his face into Hikaru ’s stomach. Tears streamed down his face in his misery. As he sobbed, Hikaru descended down and wrapped him in an embrace.
It felt like he didn’t deserve it. He couldn’t grapple with touching the body of the person he loved after he was long gone.
Minutes passed in this state. When his voice had grown exhausted, he got quieter and muffled miserable whimpers into Hikaru ’s shirt. When his throat began feeling sore, he took shaky, heavy breaths and sniffled. It was all a mess.
When the room had grown mostly quiet, Hikaru spoke.
“Hey, I know…this isn’t my body, and I still look like someone else. If that’s why you kissed me, I think that’s okay.” Yoshiki felt Hikaru 's hold tighten. His breath was soft against his forehead. “But if you want to kiss me again one day because it’s me , I think I would be really happy about it.”
Yoshiki collected himself. He raised his head and stared back at the person in front of him. Hikaru , not Hikaru. The monster who says he loves him, the ‘something’ who wants to live as a human, and swore to protect him. Yoshiki’s heart quivered, but it didn’t feel as painful as it had earlier.
He doesn’t know when, but he hopes to make that distinction clearer in his head one day. Hikaru is the person staying by his side now.
“I think I would…be happy too.”