Work Text:
Damian may have been young, but he’d acquired many enemies in his 10 years of life.
December 1st, the first day of Christmas, he’d acquired another. This enemy had to be one of the worst he’d ever had. Said enemy lived under the same roof as him, much to his distress.
And his name was Pubert.
*
Pubert’s known the Wayne family for well over 10 years, Damian had come to learn from various sources. His first client was Dick when he’d spent his first Christmas with Bruce. Then Jason, Tim and now, he was to work with Damian.
What would he be doing with this man, Pubert? Damian couldn’t tell you. Any research he’d tried to do on Pubert told him nothing because Pubert apparently didn’t have a last name. And for some reason, Pubert’s arrival was being excitedly anticipated and Damian could figure out why.
Asking his family about Pubert proved futile.
“You’re gonna have a swell time with Pubert, Dami! I’m so excited for you!” Dick said while he decorated the Christmas tree.
Jason sighed fondly, reminiscing as if he and Pubert were childhood friends, “Ah, good ol’ Pube. He makes every Christmas memorable.”
Tim kept his attention on his laptop, typing away as he always did when Damian tried to ask him what he knew about Pubert. He smiled mischievously after a moment, “Oh, yeah, Pubert . He’s a cool dude. I think you’ll like him.”
The morning of December 1st, soon after breakfast, the doorbell at the front entrance rang.
Dick damn near launched out of his seat at the table, “Dami, it’s time .” He announced. “Are you ready?”
Damian didn’t know how to answer that because what the fuck did he need to be ready for? What was Pubert going to do?
His confusion only grew when Alfred grabbed the tongs from a kitchen drawer and was instructed to follow him to the front entrance.
Pubert had arrived.
Damian wasn’t sure what to expect, but when the door opened to reveal an elf doll on the steps, he didn’t know what to feel.
Was this a joke? Had Pubert left a doll on their front porch as a prank? Why would he do that? Damian didn’t think it was a very good joke.
A gasp sounded from behind him and Damian raised an eyebrow at Dick, who was now starry-eyed, “Pubert!” He cheered.
Alfred snapped the tongs twice, as everyone does, and picked up the doll with them, “Welcome back, Mister Pubert.” Damian couldn’t tell if Alfred was being serious or not.
The young child’s eyes locked on the doll being held by tongs, taking in its stupid smile and suspicious side-eye, “ That’s Pubert? I thought Pubert was a man?” Nothing was making sense anymore.
Dick shook his head with a fond laugh, “No! Of course not! Pubert isn’t a man, he’s an elf!”
That raised more questions for poor Damian. “What’s an elf?”
“Their little humanoid creatures that work for Santa.” Dick explained, as if that made any sense at all.
After a more detailed explanation from Bruce, Damian now understood.
Pubert was an elf sent from the North Pole by Santa, the big man himself, to keep an eye on Damian to give daily reports on his behavior.
Pubert was also magical and he was not to be touched by him or anyone else in the manor unless it were an emergency. Touching Pubert would cause him to lose his magic, thus making him unable to fly back to the North Pole to report to Santa, which would affect the amount of presents Damian would receive on Christmas day.
The elf was placed near the Christmas tree, above the fireplace in the family room.
And Damian was calling bullshit.
Pubert hadn’t even been here a day and Damian was suspicious that everyone was playing a strange joke on him.
This doll was nothing more than just a doll. It had no magic and it didn’t report to Santa. If Damian’s memory served him correct, Santa was the one with the all-seeing eye. Why else would that be talked about in numerous, horrid songs if it wasn’t true?
His siblings just wanted to watch him flounder around this doll so they could poke fun at him later. And Damian did not like being made a fool.
Without a second thought, Damian used a step stool from another room to reach for Pubert and plucked him off the fireplace.
How dare they, Damian thought. He’d show them. He wouldn’t be tricked.
Before Damian could step down from the step stool, there was a horrified gasp.
Dick looked horrified . He was trembling and held a hand over his mouth, shaking his head in terrified denial, “Oh my god! Dami, what have you done?!”
“What’s going on?” Damian heard Jason ask from outside the family room. He came inside a moment later, eyes landing right on Pubert who was still in Damian’s clutches. The glass that Jason was holding was dropped and shattered on the hardwood floor below. “I know that’s not Pubert.”
Tim must’ve been nearby as well because he came sprinting into the room at the sound of Pubert’s name and froze. “Oh no…”
Damian’s gaze shifted between the three boys and finally landed back on Pubert, who he was gripping heartlessly in his palm.
Fuck.
Maybe Pubert is the real deal.
Why else would everyone be freaking out right now?
Damian’s mouth fell ajar as his shock grew.
He could practically feel the magic seeping out of poor Pubert now.
And it was all his fault.
He haphazardly put Pubert back on his spot above the fireplace, hoping that would somehow help, but he knew the rules; Pubert was done for .
As if to add salt to the wound, Pubert flopped over in his spot, no longer sitting up and appearing just as dead as he’d felt in Damian’s grasp.
Damian sheepishly glanced back at his brothers, an uneasy grimace on his face.
His brothers looked to be in mourning now. Dick was on his knees, tears in his eyes. Jason couldn’t even look at him. His back was turned to Damian and his shoulders were shaking. He was far too upset. Tim was trying to console the older men, but his own eyes were glossy with fresh tears.
“Dami, how could you?” Tim sounded so betrayed, “How could you do that to Pubert?”
Jason turned back to Damian, eyes red from crying, “Now Pubert can’t fly back to Santa! You’ve ruined Christmas!” His outburst made Dick cry harder and Damian could feel the panic settling in now.
He jumped down from the step stool, running up to the trio, hands clasped together as he pleaded, “No! No! That can’t be true, Todd! There has to be a way I can fix this!” When no one gave him an immediate answer, he knew how fucked he truly was. “It’s only December 1st! Please ! I thought you guys were joking!”
The three boys looked between each other, a silent conversation that Damian hoped would end in his favor. They all nodded to one another after a few beats and Dick finally stood back up, “We have to tell Bruce.”
Damian shook his head, “No! Don’t tell Father!” He demanded. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle the disappointed stare. Not after Bruce had taken the time to explain who and what Pubert was.
Jason shrugged, “It’s the only way. Santa only sends instructions on what to do in this situation to the parents.”
It seemed that Damian had no choice.
He let his head fall and started his march towards his father’s office but a hand stopped him.
“You have to take Pubert with you.” Jason told him solemnly.
Damian snapped his head up to look at Jason. He couldn’t be serious. He’d already killed poor Pubert and now he was to take his body to his father like some deranged maniac? But he knew that Jason wasn’t kidding. Tim and Dick nodded in agreement, telling Damian that it had to be done.
The youngest Wayne blinked away the tears threatening to spill from his eyes, trying to take a few calming breaths before he grabbed Pubert again. This time, he used two hands and cradled the dead elf.
“That’s right,” Dick said as they followed him to the office, “Be gentle. You don’t want to anger Santa any further.”
No, Damian thought sadly. No, he didn’t.
They arrived at the office and Tim opened the door for them so that Damian could keep holding Pubert.
Bruce glanced up from his paperwork and did a double take when he noticed Pubert in Damian’s hands.
“Oh…” Bruce sighed, “Dami, did you touch Pubert?” He asked, but everyone knew the answer.
Damian couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. A few fell on Pubert’s face. He walked all the way to Bruce’s desk while the others stayed back in mournful silence, “Father… please. I didn’t mean to ruin Christmas. I promise I’ll never mess with Pubert again!”
Bruce nodded in understanding, “It’s okay, Damian. We can fix this. I’m sure if you write a letter to Santa explaining that this is your first Christmas, he’ll understand and give Pubert his magic back.” He held out his hand and Damian placed Pubert in Bruce’s palm. “I’ll make sure to put Pubert back at the fireplace when Santa sends the letter back for you.”
Damian felt a wave of relief wash over him and he nodded enthusiastically, sprinting off to his room. He had a letter to write.
When Damian was gone, Bruce gave the rest of his kids an unimpressed glare as they began to laugh, “You guys are far too old to be messing with Damian like that.”
Jason wiped a tear from his face, “I didn’t think he was going to believe us. I think me dropping that glass on the ground sold it.”
Dick laughed harder, holding his stomach, “No! No! That was so genius!”
Tim nodded in agreement, “Yeah, I’ve never seen him so shocked before. I could tell he wanted to cry then and there!”
Bruce shook his head to himself, he knew it was a bad idea to bring out Pubert again.