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Chapter Text

5 and a half years ago

Belly tucked her knees against her chest and pulled a coat around her shoulders, nosing and sniffing at its hood. She was covered in a soft sheen of sweat that was slowly fogging up her glasses, but she couldn't bring herself to exit the warm, dark nook she’d found for herself. Her mind was foggy, not quite aware of what was going on, but she knew she needed to be somewhere safe, somewhere familiar, somewhere hidden. This state of mind had driven her towards the cupboard under the stairs, full of coats that they would bring to Cousins each year, and then not look at or think of again until it was time to leave.

She shuffled closer into the warmth, leaning back against an array of familiar and comforting scents. There was something off though, that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Had she been in her right mind, she would have noticed how amplified each scent was, how overwhelming, how she was quickly spiralling into animalistic thoughts, keep safe, keep hidden. Had she been in her right mind she may have gone to find her mom, may have known from the slow dull ache beginning in her stomach what was happening to her.

Footsteps hammered above her, and then voices, she couldn’t make out what they were saying, but she knew they were searching. Her breath came quickly in her throat, and a strange gnawing ate away at her stomach as she tried to scuttle even further back, the wall pressed firmly back against her. There was nowhere deeper to hide. A shadow fell across the small crack of light coming under the door, and she clutched the coat tightly against her, nosing and catching a faint lingering scent. Safety that eased the pressure and anxiety building in her mind.

The door was flung open, light radiating in, the figure said something and reached in for her but she struggled away. She was pulled out of the darkness, a face close to hers, forcing words and questions she couldn’t understand. She made a noise she couldn't quite hear, feeling some foreign sensation ripping out of her throat, the rush of breath out of her mouth.

She then felt the vibrations of footsteps, words, a command and she was dropped onto cold wood. She struggled, slipping on the smooth floor as she tried to get back towards the darkness and the warmth. Then she was enveloped by a scent, like cedar smoke and the breeze by the beach, new and intense and comforting. Arms wrapped round her, and the insistent questions that she was too far gone to comprehend faded away along with the anxious gnawing in her stomach and throat. She relaxed, letting her head fall against a shoulder, nosing at a familiar neck.

According to her mother she had spent the rest of her faux heat in the cupboard, surrounded by the coats carrying familiar scents. A doctor had described it to her, weeks later, as she sat in a Philadelphia clinic, as like Braxton hicks contractions. What had happened was an echo of a real heat, the foggy mind and animal instincts, her body was preparing for a “true” heat that would come later on. She said that almost all omegas got them and that they were nothing to worry about, though they were uncommon at only 15, she then continued on, making several comments about the poor state of sex education in Pennsylvania, Belly, however, wasn't listening. She nosed the jumper she was wearing, one snatched from the Cousins laundry room in a moment of impulse, catching a faint whiff of woodsmoke and salt, and safety.

Chapter Text

Present Day - The Week Before Christmas

She hadn't expected Conrad to stay. But his absence ached just the same, it hurt, just a little, almost down to her bones. This, however, was an easy feeling to pass off as something else. It was just his Alpha presence she was missing, nothing more, just like she missed Steven or her mom when they left and she could no longer mooch off their alpha pheromones.

It had been a surprise to see him last night, but certainly not an unwelcome one. She hadn’t seen him in an age, he had been avoiding all communal events where she and Jere would be together since the summer they reclaimed the house. She couldn’t blame him, even if her and Jeremiah tried to keep the pda to a minimum, it must have been uncomfortable, and adding the extra layer of alpha protectiveness made everything complicated.

There had been several times that summer where Conrad had brushed his wrist against hers, or her shoulder or arm, or anywhere that would reach. She still didn’t know what to make of it, whether it was possessiveness, or force of habit, or if he had begun to scentmark her in the same way Steven would, in a familial, platonic way, as an alpha in her life, not her alpha. No matter the reason, whenever he did mark her she was thankful that Jeremiah was a beta, and wouldn’t be able to smell Conrad on her either way.

She scented the air a little as she descended the stairs, trying to work out when he’d last been here, his scent was still fresh on the air, though it had a slightly chemical edge by the strong suppressants doctors and by extension med students were required to be on. On ehr way down, she tripped, landing squarely on the entryway rug and hitting her shoulder. As she grabbed it, hissing through her teeth, she saw Conrad above her, smiling and clutching a bowl of cereal.

“Are you okay?” he chuckled, staring down at her with amusement, “Are you hurt, can you move?”

Embarrassment flooded over her as she held her hands over her face, “I thought you were gone”

“Nope. Still here” he said, the corners of his mouth quirking up slightly.

He attempted to help her up, but she refused, her shoulder still smarting from the fall. He ended up on the floor next to her, wet hair splayed out over the rug, the grin still not gone from his face.

“How bad does it hurt on a scale from 1 to 10”

“Eleven” she groaned, removing her hands from her face and turning to look at him. His scent was lighter this morning, had less of that chemical tinge than it had last night, maybe he hadn’t taken his suppressant this morning, and over the amusement she could smell the slightest hint of worry.

“You’re such a baby when it comes to pain”

“No I’m not!”

“I mean that fall you took was no joke” he said, teasing, “seriously it’s like when animals slip and fall in cartoons on banana skins”

“Are you calling me an animal?” she said, turning full to face him, she shrugged and laughed, turning away. She didn’t miss, however, the way his wrist rubbed against the sleeve of her pajamas.

“I’m gonna pick you up and carry you to the couch”

“No, seriously - i just” she whined as he got up, “I’m too heavy, just leave me here”

“Okay” he half huffed, half laughed “I know i can’t bench my body weight like Jere, but i can pick you up”

He picked her up, her head tucked against his shoulder, close to where his scent was strongest. She would like to say - and at the time maybe she truly thought - that the longing she felt when he placed her down and walked away, came from the touch deprivation she’d been experiencing, that she was longing for alpha pheromones, not for Conrad. But that wasn’t the case, she longed for the feeling of safety he'd provided from that first moment in her faux heat, a part of her would always, always, belong to him.

They spent the rest of the day in each other’s company, completing work, doing a cross word and suffering through Conrad’s terrible takes on whichever movie she was watching. It was nice, too nice really, she had missed him, his company, his humour, dry and cynical, so far removed from Jeremiah’s slightly immature disposition. It was natural right, to miss someone you’d known your entire life?

It was also nice to be enveloped by an alphas scent for an entire day, Belly knew she was in touch deprivation, that she hadn't been good enough about going to see Steven or her mom regularly, lying to each of them, telling them that she had an arrangement with one of her college friends. She did not. The only alphas she knew at college were men, and Jeremiah wasn’t comfortable with that, and if she left it long enough in between visits to either home or New York, where Steven had begun his new job, even contact from Jeremiah started to help, and he really liked that.

She had a feeling Conrad knew, he could probably smell it on her. She liked to think that that was why he didn't stray more than a few metres away from her that entire day, following her even when she went to make cocoa. She liked to think that was why his wrist kept catching on her arm, or her hand or her shoulder. They never touched properly though, save for the hug she gave him when he first came into the house.

At the end of the day they sat shoulder to shoulder on the sofa drinking cocoa, they both looked out towards the fire Conrad had built in the hearth, then back to each other, barely catching each other's eyes and suddenly everything became too much. They could both sense it in the air, how familiar everything had become, how reminiscent of that night they spent together by the fireplace. Conrad stood up, he murmured some excuse about going to bed, or sorting out paperwork, belly couldn't quite make it out, and he strode out of the room.

His swift departure seemed to shock her system a little, as half an hour later she began feeling dizzy. She left the living room and retired to bed, the last of the fire glowing slowly and fading away.

Chapter Text

Conrad had many wishes. He wished he could say that belly looked the same, the same as when he'd left her 3 and a half years ago, the same as the last time he'd seen her that horrible, terrible summer, when he had to see her trying hopelessly to keep her hands off of his brother. He wished he could say he hadn’t missed anything in her life, but clearly, he had. He wished he could go back to that fight on the beach and fight for her, or go back to that night by the fire and re-live it all again. Most of all though, despite his reservations about her and Jeremiah’s relationship, he wished he could say she looked better for it, or at least the same. As much as he hated to say it, Belly looked a bit worse for wear.

She had lost a lot of weight, her arms and legs narrowed since the last time he’d seen her. Her eyes had sunken a little, her face looked a little grayer and her hair had lost some of its shine. Under it all she was still Belly of course, his Belly, beautiful even when falling clumsily down the staircase, chocolate smeared around her mouth, but it pained him to see her looking less healthy than she had 3 years ago.

Her change in appearance was so dramatic that he’d asked her several times if she was okay the previous evening, much to her apparent confusion. He had also had to try and hide the protective edge to his scent that whole day they spent together and even with him trying to reign it in, she still shot him some funny looks from the corner of her eye, though he couldn’t tell if that was from his scent or the fact he was following her everywhere like a lost puppy, trying and failing to scent her subtly.

The weight loss, low appetite, dull hair and eyes were all symptoms of touch deprivation. Omegas had all the same rights as alphas and betas these days, but that didn't mean that biologically they were all the same. Omegas needed touch and reassurance and pheromones from an alpha to stay healthy, in turn this would calm alphas, allowing them to rest and recuperate, allowing them to check that everyone within their perceived “pack” was safe. As young adults, omegas would get this from family members, siblings, parents, it didn't matter, being in the home tended to be enough for some omegas, but some needed more physical contact, Belly, as much as she was loathe to admit it, was one of these omegas.

When they were together she always needed to be touching him in some way, brushing their arms together, his hand on her thigh, hands collapsed together, and while he was sure she liked the reassurance, it seemed to be so innate to her that he had always thought it was biologically driven somewhat. He’d also heard Steven complain about it half-heartedly to Taylor once through the walls, one summer after they had broken up. He said that Belly was forever coming into his room to sometimes just to sit, but often for physical affection that Laurel, who was also an alpha, wasn't providing.

Conrad shook his head, it was clear that Belly wasn’t getting what she needed from the alphas in her life and as much as he would love to provide her with physical affection and pheromones, he was pretty sure that it was A. Not something she wanted and B. Something that was likely to end in a fight with Jeremiah.

He slung his bag onto his shoulder, he’d decided to leave after last night, when they'd sat on the sofa, drinking horrible dusty cocoa that he was pretending to enjoy for her. It was just like 4 years ago, when she was his, when her face lit up when he walked into a room. It was all too much, having her here, knowing she wasn’t his, and knowing he couldn’t help her. It felt like the whole day he’d been trying to pry back some semblance of their previous relationship, but that wasn't fair to him, or to belly or to Jeremiah or to anyone.

She probably didn’t want him here anyway, isn't that what she'd said when he first came in? She came here to be alone. So he would leave her alone.

He was going back to Standford, and there he would stay, at least for the foreseeable future, until the thought of seeing belly with Jeremiah was less affronting than the thought of not seeing her at all. Who knows, maybe he’d get over her, find…someone, anyone. Maybe he could kid himself into getting over her, just for a bit, just for a moment of relief. The sock of hers that he’d stashed in his bag, and the hoodie of his that she’d worn yesterday when the fire went out, that was now drenched in her scent, lay heavy in his bag at the thought of moving on. But, it was beginning to feel like he didn't have another option.

Just as he was about to close the front door behind him, he heard a cry. He opened the door, listening out, there was another, louder this time. He dumped his bags in the hallway and started up the stairs, as he did so another noise came, more urgent this time, a long loud wail emanating from Belly’s room.

He marched in, opening the door, Belly was still in her pajamas, her hands clutched around her stomach and her face pressed into her pillow. As another wail came forth, her body moved, writhing with pain.

As he took a breath in to speak, her scent hit him. A wave of jasmine and vanilla, peaked with something different, yet muted, spicy clove and cinnamon. She was in heat, that was clear from her scent. However, something was different, her scent had no effect on him, his mind was clear and sharp, and whatever pain she was in was far too severe for an ordinary heat. It was much more reminiscent of that faux heat he'd found her in all those summers ago.

5 and a half years ago

They had been searching for Belly for hours. They had been by the pool, and all of a sudden, she was gone. Their Moms were both out and he was meant to be in charge, his newly presented alpha had beamed in pride when Laurel had given him the task of taking care of everyone. But now, Belly was missing and no one had seen her. He wracked his brain looking for all the places she could be, they had practically turned the house upside down.

She must have left the house, she could be anywhere, shame and anxiety bubbled up in his throat as he got out his phone to call his Mom. A scream came from outside in the hallway, he had never heard anything like it, scared and brutal and animalistic. He came hurtling round the corner to find Jeremiah hanging onto Belly’s arm with two hands as she tried to struggle away.

Belly looked terrified, as if she didn’t know who Jeremiah was, she was snarling and scabbling at him like an animal. She was coated in a thick layer of sweat, her hair half soaked, and his raincoat was wrapped around her shoulders.

“Let go Jeremiah” he commanded. He immediately did, staring at Conrad in bewilderment.

“She was in the cupboard but she’s all wet, she's got a fever or something"

Conrad ignored him, and tried to speak to belly, she was trying and failing to get back into the cupboard under the stairs.

“Hey, Belly what’s - ” he reached out for her arm and she looked straight at him, that's when he smelt it, vanilla and jasmine, tinged with the ionic metallic smell of her sweat. She was burning to the touch, but as soon as he made contact with her, she stopped struggling. A bubble of panic welled up inside him, she was presenting and he had no idea what to do. Tears began to pour down Belly cheeks, maybe from the discomfort of her current state, maybe from the worried edge he was sure his scent had taken.

“No, don’t cry - c’mon it's gonna be ok” he tried, she shuffled towards him and he wrapped his arms around her.

“Call Mom and Laurel” he directed at Jeremiah, “She’s presenting”

Jeremiah’s face paled.

“Shouldnt we lock her in a room or something then” he asked, a faint blush on his cheeks. Conrad rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be an idiot. It's not a proper heat, she’s barely 15,” he huffed in annoyance “Just call Mom, she’ll know what to do” Jeremiah nodded, looking weirdly at Belly, who was still quietly sobbing into Condrad’s shirt as he rubbed her back. “Oh and go and get Steven” he called after him, her brother, after all was probably better equipped to handle this than he was.

Present

“Belly?” he tried tentatively. Conrad was not an idiot, under any other circumstances, he would have left her alone, she deserved privacy in a time like this, but she seemed to be in too much pain for a regular heat.

“Belly, are you ok?” he tried again. There was no response, it was as if he didn’t exist. He had crossed the room now and sat down on the edge of her bed. He reached out, touching her lightly vibrating arm. There was no response, another wail racked through her as she gripped her stomach even more tightly. This wasn’t normal, he needed to get her help, and now.

He lifted her into his arms, and rushed downstairs, she let out another wail as she shook in his arms.

“Fuck” he said under his breath as he turned her head into his neck. She felt her breath coming in short pants against his skin, her nose turning against his gland to scent him, which seemed to relieve her pain, lightening her scent, if only a little. He got out of the house, his bags left strewn behind in the hallway, and hoisted her into the backseat of his car. As he tried to lay her down, she grabbed onto him weakly with one arm

“Belly?” he questioned.

“Please don-” she murmured, pressing her face into his shoulder

“Belly??” he asked again, searching her face for an answer.

“Please don’t” she said, her breathing rate picking up.

“Hey, it's ok, it's me, Conrad, I’m getting you help ok?” panicked he tried to let go of her again but she held on.

“Please don’t go, it hurts”

“I know, I know it hurts, but I'm going to take you to the hospital ok? You need to let me go”

“Please no, don’t leave me please” she said, growing steadily more unsettled, looking around and clearly disoriented. Conrad looked around, over his shoulder. He was running out of options.

“Ok - I, uh, Ok, im going to scent you ok?” This was not a good idea. This was going to haunt him forever. Scenting her could reduce the pain, but it was such an intimate act, reserved almost exclusively for mates. Belly just stared at him, mouth half open for a moment, before her face contorted and her grip on him tightened, another wave of pain rushing through her.

He lowered his head down to Belly’s neck, his nose lightly brushing the small patch of raised skin where her neck hit her shoulder. He nosed at it again, more forcefully this time, prying a gasp out of Belly, whose pain already seemed to be fading, her scent brightening. He moved his head up, his tongue lightly stroking the gland.

He had never scented anyone before, he had a friend in California who had scented his previous girlfriend, they’d got too drunk and he’d told Conrad about it. He said it was like licking a bar of soap, but he'd not much liked her scent anyway. Conrad found that that couldn’t be further from the truth. Her scent exploded across his tongue, light and floral and sweet, he could taste notes he'd never even deciphered before, the lighted touch of smoke and sandalwood, cedar and cinnamon. It was clearly reducing her pain though, as her hold on him relinquished. As he moved to her second gland something ignited in his chest, like shard of glass, it felt piercing hot, moving through him, glowing, steady and immovable, a fixed point of love, he could almost see it, and smell it, like vanilla and jasmine, it sounded like Belly's laugh, her shy smile when she woke up in the morning. Slowly it faded, but not completely, it felt like an anchor point in his chest pulling him towards her. He lingered by her neck, nosing it one last time, before he laid her across the back seat and strapped her in the best he could.

Chapter Text

Belly had continued to cry out after he started driving, but just as he reached the highway she passed out from the pain. When he got her into the hospital she was completely unresponsive, limp in his arms, he had watched helplessly as the hospital staff wheeled her away. He was swiftly distracted by one of the nurses though, who took an account of what had happened.

“Ok, here’s the paperwork” the nurse handed him a huge stack of papers, “Are you her alpha?” there was a heaviness in his chest, an unmoveable point, that hadn’t departed since he scented her and those words sent a sharp harsh pang right through it.

“Uh- no, no I’m not”

“Uh - ok, and what relation are you to her?” the nurse asked, Conrad glanced at the door Belly had been immediately taken through. ‘Her boyfriend's brother’, he thought to himself bitterly. He could still taste her scent on his tongue.

“A family friend, but I've known her her whole life, sorry, are they not able to tell me anything because I'm not family?”

The nurse looked down at her pad, “Well as you’re the one who brought her and the only person here, they will probably need to discuss things with you, but please try and get an immediate family member here.” Conrad nodded, easier said than done, “Please wait over there”

“Yes, of course, thanks”

He walked over to an empty chair in the busy waiting room. He tried both Laurel and Steven again, he didn’t have John’s number, though he managed to track down an email address for him. He then tried Jeremiah again. No answer. He tried to still the indignant fire at his lack of response, as if Jeremiah should have had some sixth sense that Belly was hurt, in pain, in the hospital. He tried to fill in the paperwork, but bar allergies, her name and her date of birth, he didn't have any of the answers.

Two hours later he received a panicked call from Laurel.

“Conrad, what’s happened? Is Belly okay?”

“I don’t know” he said, slumping down in his chair, his voice cracking and tears starting to sting behind his eyes, “I just don’t know”

“Okay, okay, just tell me what happened”

He explained briefly what had happened, conveniently leaving out the scenting, but revealing that she had passed out from the pain. Laurel said she’d contact Steven and John, and that she would get there as soon as she could, but she was in New Jersey, so it would take at least 5 hours for her to get here.

He wasn’t sure how long it had been, but there was still no news of Belly. His heart was racing, hands clammy and a familiar unpleasant tightness had formed in his chest, constricting his breathing. Standing up he paced gently, wishing he could find an empty corridor to sit and practise the breathing exercises his therapist had given him to help with exactly this problem. But he was alone, and what if they came to get him while he was gone. The thought sent a pang deep into his stomach.

Finally, another woman with a clipboard came in, “For Isabel Conklin”

He strode over to her, “Yes, that’s me”

“Hi, I’m Dr Smith and I’ve been overseeing Isabel’s care. Now you are not an immediate family member are you?”

“No maam”

“Hmm, ok, so there are limited amounts of information we can share, have you been able to contact a close family member?”

“Uh-” he mumbled rubbing his eyes and pushing his hair out of his face, his hands coming to rest on his hips “Yeah, I’ve been in contact with her Mom, but she's coming from New Jersey”

“Right, so she won’t be here for another few hours?”

“Yeah, not for another 4 at least”

“Ok thank you” the doctor nodded scribbling on her sheet, “Well what i can share with you is that she’s going to be ok, but she was and is in a serious situation. She has extreme touch deprivation. This already puts her body under more pressure than normal, and can cause organ failure. We think that she hadn’t been around an alpha for such an extended period of time in months, and so even a few days with you in the same house brought on her heat, which essentially pushed her body beyond its limits, causing the extreme cramping and abdominal pain. We sedated her and gave her an injection to stop her heat and she’s been recovering well. I do have to impress upon you though, the severity of the situation, if she carries on like this, her body will begin to shut down.”

“She could go into organ failure?” Conrad sighed, overcome with relief that she was going to be ok, but devastated at how serious her condition had become. He couldn’t believe Belly had been allowed to get this bad, to become so deprived that her organs were on the verge of failure.

“Yes, she's not quite at that stage yet, but if things carry on as they are, it would be something I would be very concerned about”

He searched for something to say, something useful, maybe something that showed he knew what he was talking about, or something to show the doctor that he hadn't known about any of this, that it wasn't his fault. Nothing came out. The doctor carried on.

“Now, I’m not really meant to let you see her, but i think it would do more harm to have her wake up alone, so I’ll bring you to her room”

Belly looked so small on the bed as he entered, blankets folded neatly around her too thin body. He sighed, taking the seat next to her and taking her hand.

The doctor eyed him with curious understanding, “The sedative will wear off soon, hopefully”

“Yes, thank you” he said, not taking his eyes off Belly.

The stress of the last few hours had worn off. The wave of anxiety and fear had left a great sinking grief in its wake. How had she been allowed to get this bad? How had she been allowed to become so touch deprived that being around him for 24 hours had sent her into heat, into a state of desperation? How had no one seen what he had from the first moment he saw her, that she was sick? If only he’d been here, he would have seen it at once. Only the tiny voice in the back of his mind could ask, would he have done anything?

He stood and walked to the end of her bed, picking up her chart. He saw exactly what he expected: Unexpected heat brought on by constant exposure to alpha pheromones while in severe touch deprivation, touch deprivation causing severe abdominal pains, close to organ failure, the list went on. He flicked through the pages until he found the results of her blood work, everything looked normal except, something was off. He flicked through the other pages, trying to find an answer to the anomaly, when suddenly he heard a voice from the head of the bed.

“Conrad?”

“Belly” he sighed, rushing over to her side, sitting down on the chair, suddenly regretting letting go of her hand, he could hardly take it now. “How are you feeling”

Her face screwed up, as if she was struggling with the question, “OK” she said finally, “My head hurts though”

“Do you want some water?”

She nodded, “Am I allowed?”

He nodded in return, “I'm sure the doctor will be here in a minute, but I can't believe you’d not be allowed water” he said as he poured from the jug sitting on the side of the room. He brought it over and placed it on her bedside table before adjusting the angle on her bed so that she could sit up. As he was doing this she looked at him thoughtfully,

“You almost look like a real doctor doing that” she said teasingly “you did look like one reading my chart though, I almost thought it wasn't you” she chuckled.

He tried to smile down at her as she said it, but he had a feeling it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“So doc” she said, smoothing down her pale blue hospital blanket with her hands, "what's the prognosis?”

“Big word for you” he said smirking, she lightly slapped his arm.

“I’m an invalid, you’re meant to be nice to me”

“Sorry, how much do you remember?”

“I felt dizzy last night and feverish after you went upstairs”

He nodded

“Then I just remember waking up and being in pain, it was worse than all the other times”

Other times? Conrad thought to himself. How many times has this happened? How had no one stepped in?

“I remember you finding me, I remember you bringing me to the car, I remember” her eyes seemed to glass over, then she looked at him, a searching look, he didn't know whether to wither under her gaze or stare back.

“I remember you- I remember-” she trailed off, “thats it, thats all I remember”

It was probably for the best, at least she wasn’t upset about the scenting, which was as much as he could really ask for. He had done what he thought was best, so what if it had left a constant heaviness in his chest that he couldn’t be sure would ever go away? It was best that they pretended it hadn't happened. Pretended that she didn’t still reek of his scent.

“Right” he replied

“Did they tell you what's wrong with me?” she looked up at him, pleading.

“Uh- yeah” he scratched the back of his neck in discomfort, “So, they said-”

At that moment the doctor came striding in. He was faintly relieved and faintly disappointed that he didn't have to tell her what had happened. He wanted to have that conversation somewhat though, work out what had gone so wrong, why Steven and her mom and Jeremiah hadn’t stepped in.

“Miss Conklin, you're awake! How are you feeling”

Belly smiled slightly as she replied, Conrad wasn't listening though, too focussed on Belly, the way she laughed at something the doctor said, the way she was looking expectantly at him, he'd clearly missed something.

“Sorry?”

“I was just asking if I could speak to miss Conklin in private”

“Oh yes of course, sorry” he said standing and smoothing down his shirt, and made his way ot the door, just as he was about to leave, he turned back, “Oh yeah, your Moms on her way, ill uh- ill try to get hold of Jeremiah now”

“Thanks, that would be really great” she said with a little half smile, before turning back to the doctor.

Outside the door, Conrad sank down to the floor, breathing out a huge sigh. He would update Laurel first, then he’d try Jeremiah again.

“She’s in touch deprivation?” she said, shocked, when he relayed what the doctors had said,

“Yeah, thats what they said” he sighed “to be honest laurel it seemed pretty visible when i first saw her the other night” he paused, considering "she's lost a lot of weight, she seemed very tired”

“I didn't- I didn’t know” Laurel said, her voice shaking, he’d always liked that about him and Laurel, despite their alpha status, they could be vulnerable with each other. Laurel had always understood him in a way not even his mother had “I hadn’t seen her since thanksgiving, i mean she was coming home for christmas next week but, she said she had an arrangement with an alpha at college”

“I guess she didn’t” he said simply, his chest smarted slightly at the suggestion of another alpha helping her, even if it was purely platonic. He let Laurel go then, telling her that Belly seemed pretty bright when she woke up, and not in pain anymore, but he could still sense the worry in Laurel’s voice over the phone.

He then tried Jeremiah. The phone rang and rang, just as he was going to give up he heard Jeremiah’s voice.

“Hey Conrad, I've got a load of missed calls from you” and texts he thought to himself, bitterly “is everything ok?”

“I’ve had to take Belly to hospital” he said simply

“What? Is she ok? Where, how, aren’t you back in California?”

“No- after my flight to meet you and Dad was cancelled I decided to go to cousins for a bit before going back. Belly was already there, she said she felt lonely at home or something.”

“How did she end up in hospital” he was clearly worried.

“I woke up this morning and she was almost screaming in pain, I went into her room and she’d gone into heat” he heard a sharp intake of breath form the other end of the line.,

“You went into her room while she was in heat?!” That's what he’s concerned about? Are you kidding me?

“I hadn’t realised she was in heat before I went in, and she was screaming out in pain Jeremiah what was I meant to do?? I don't think it was a proper heat anyway, it- her scent was weird, not how it should smell, and she was in too much pain for a normal heat”

“So you took her to the hospital?” He sounded pissed? How could he be pissed? He'd not even told him about the scenting.

“Yeah, she was in pain what was I meant to do”

“You over reacted. Belly just has painful heats” She just has- Conrad tried to keep his indignation at bay, taking a deep breath before replying.

“You mean she’s sounded like this before and you just left it?”

“Yeah, it's fine, she says it's fine” he said, defending himself “she stops crying out after a while, did she not stop after a bit?” Are you fucking kidding me?

“She says-! Are you fucking with me?” he huffed in a breath, trying to stay calm, “if by ‘she stops after a while’ you mean she passes out from the pain, then yes, yes she did”

“Oh” there was silence, just the sound of them both breathing, "I didn't know that that's what happened. She always said it was fine”

“Well she lied.”

“What should I do?” Conrad almost felt bad, he sounded small, he sounded like his little brother. But this wasn’t acceptable. Jeremiah had let her get into this state, and he thought, probably had a hand in putting her into it, he’d heard her in pain, screaming out in agony before and he had done nothing.

“Shes your girlfriend Jeremiah! And she's in the hospital, what do you think you should do” he said, impatience and distrust dripping from every word.

“I’ll uh- ill come back from Skiing early, ill get the next flight out”

Conrad didn't say anything in response.

“Did they say what caused it?”

Conrad paused, unsure of what to say, he didn’t feel like having this conversation with Jeremiah. He already had a complex about presenting as a beta and not an alpha, Conrad didn’t want to be the one to tell him Belly needed to spend more time cozying up to other alphas. “They haven’t said yet, no, the doctors are talking to her now”

“So I can't speak to her?”

“Not yet”

They didn't stay on the phone much longer. He hated his brother in that moment. He'd heard her screaming in pain and thought that it was absolutely fine? Are you kidding me? He thought to himself. They'd all taken the same sex-ed classes in school, he must have known that while uncomfortable, and sometimes a bit painful, heats shouldn’t leave omegas writhing and screaming in pain. But no- he’d just left her to pass out from the pain.

The doctor came out as he sat on the floor, seething.

“You can come back in now,” she said, but she shut the door behind her, “I have a favour to ask first though. We are going to keep her overnight for observation. She is deficient in alpha pheromones, as you know, so she will need to get them in some form. She has asked me to ask you if you would stay here overnight to provide them, otherwise we will administer her with fake pheromones”

Something opened in his chest, something like pain, searing, cutting through his chest, like hope, like despair, like nostalgia. He couldn't quite place it.

“Yes, of course, that’s fine,” he said quickly. Of course he would do it, there was no question. Belly hated fake pheromones, she had been given them once by an in-experienced school nurse after she’d hurt herself at school. There was no reason to give them to her, but some medical practitioners just gave them out to omegas like candy, like pheromones could solve all ills. It had made her throw up, she’d spent the whole day feeling worse than before.

He also wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to stay here all night with her. After the day of anxiety, it would have been like ripping out his heart to leave her now. And she wanted him to stay, or I suppose wanted him to stay more than she wanted fake pheromones, which was something. It would be nice. He could have her smell like him one last time, he could bask in it, having her be his girl again, even if it was only pretend. He turned that thought over in his mind, realising that maybe to him, she’d never stopped being his girl.

The doctor had walked away, he got up, knocking on her door.

“Come in”

Chapter Text

The doctor had explained many things to Belly. The severity of the touch deprivation, she hadn't realised things had gotten this bad. Ideally she would try to see Steven or her Mom once every week and a half, once a fortnight maybe if she was feeling bad. But Jeremiah would say, why don't you stay, you can go another day. She knew that inside he hated that he couldn’t give her what she needed. In a place inside her mind, one where she tried not to go to, a place where she kept memories of Conrad, the night in front of the cousins fireplace, sneaking into the spare room to kiss him at her home in Philadelphia, the casual touches, the connection, she kept a thought: he hates that he can’t give me what Conrad was able to give me.

It hadn’t really occurred to her to mind too much that Jeremiah was a beta, it made things more complicated, sure. But that didn’t mean it wasn't worth it. No one person could meet all your needs, no matter who they were. She had begun to get a feeling that Jeremiah didn’t see it that way though.

It was such a slow decline she realised, over the years, every two weeks became two and a half, and three, and now she maybe saw Steven once every two months, if that. She tried not to go to her mom if she could help it, it was awkward and stilted, her mom didn’t know what she was doing. Steven had started to get concerned at one stage, so she told him that her weight loss was just stress, her fatigue from the long volleyball practices, and that she had an arrangement with one of her alpha friends.

In all fairness, it wasn’t a complete lie. She had had an arrangement with one of Taylor’s friends for a while, he was nice, it was very clinical, they would watch a movie together once every two weeks, maybe once a week in the exam season. Sometimes they would sit in the same room together and that was enough, sometimes they would hug. He had a girlfriend, a beta, and she had Jeremiah, it was never anything more than that, on either end.

Jeremiah didn’t see it like that though, he got so jealous that she had to stop, she couldn’t stand the way he acted whenever she came back, like she’d been cheating on him or something. After that ended she hadn't seen any alpha’s in a while and then she had become so touch deprived that even Jeremiah giving her a hug or stroking her gave her some relief. When she told him that he beamed, like all his christmasses had come at once. After that it became even harder to go see steven, almost like she was saying what Jeremiah could give her wasn’t enough.

But she had let it go too far, obviously. She would have to make the effort to see steven more often, or make a new arrangement, something. Apparently her blood tests had showed some anomalies, so they took more blood from her to re-test and they would tell her more in the morning, they didn’t seem too worried though.

She could hear Conrad and the doctor talking through the door. She hadn’t wanted to ask him herself. It would have been too awkward, too personal, too much like she was asking because she needed him, not because she needed pheromones. It was true though. She did need him. Their day together yesterday was the best shed felt in months, she felt more alert, more like herself, and he'd not even properly touched her or scented her, just a wrist brushed over her clothing here and there.

And this morning. His tongue on her gland. She couldn't remember it properly, not really, the whole memory was cast in a pain-fuelled fuzz, but she could remember what it felt like- like safety. Like she wasn’t going to be left behind. Something blossomed inside her, elation, glowing softly, silently, fiercely. When he stopped it felt like he’d left something behind, a firm weight on her breast bone that seemed to pull her towards him. She supposed that’s just what happens when someone scents you properly, the way mates would. She didn’t mind that he’d done it, it was for the best really, provided her enough relief until they got to the hospital. It was nice in a way, that Conrad had another of her firsts, it seemed, complete, like a full set. She tried not to think too hard about why it didn't bother her.

At that moment he knocked on the door

“Come in”

“Hi” he said quietly. Something was wrong, she could, sense it, it was curious, she could smell it in his scent, he had been angry but it was quickly turning to annoyance, but that wasn’t how she knew, she just…did. It must have been another after effect of the scenting.

“Did you manage to speak to Jeremiah?”

“Yeah” he said, slumping down into the armchair on the other side of the room, “And your mom, I told her you were ok”

“Did you tell them what's wrong with me?”

He sighed, “Just what the doctors told me, which was that you were in touch deprivation. Well I told your Mom, I thought Jere wouldn’t appreciate that news coming from me” she couldn’t work out what the look he was giving her was saying, it felt like its not your fault, and how could you have let this happen, and how did they let this happen to you.

“Yeah, yeah, that's good, probably for the best,” she laughed slightly.

It looked like he wanted to press the issue, but he didn’t.

“Jeremiah is going to get a flight back and your mom should be here in a couple of hours, but I think she’ll have missed visiting, so she won't be able to come until the morning,” he said.

She nodded, mostly just to herself.

“I might call her when she gets here then” she said, “do you have my phone?”

He rubbed his hands over his eyes, “sorry no i completely forgot it, this morning i- yeah sorry i dont have it. I'd go and get it now but I don’t think they’ll let me back in. You can use mine though, its not an issue”

She lay back, shutting her eyes and facing the ceiling.

“Yeah that would be good, thanks”

“Its no problem”

“And thanks for bringing me, you didn’t have to, I would've been ok”

He sighed, but as she turned to look at him his gaze had softened. Suddenly a deep grief welled up within her, she wasn't sure where it was coming from. It emanated from her breastbone, working steadily through her fingertips, down her legs.

“You were in pain”

If someone else was here, someone she didn’t know, someone that she could say anything to and it wouldn’t matter, it wouldn’t change anything, she would say “I’m always in pain”

It was true.

The touch deprivation had left a deep aching emptiness inside her. It started off like a wave, small bouts of an empty cold ache in her chest, but she could distract herself from it, come up for air easily. As the months passed it felt like she was spending her whole life underwater, coming up for occasional breath of air, occasional relief. She felt like she had no ties, someone had left her out at sea. It was why she had gone to Cousins, maybe being there, the place she loved most in the world, could make her feel less alone. It hadn’t, but it hadn’t made it worse. Then Conrad had turned up with his small smiles and his cross word puzzle and the new watch that he wore that she hated herself for noticing, and made her feel like herself again.

She didn’t say anything, but he had a grimace on his face, it felt like he was looking into her soul so she looked away.

“It doesn’t” he stopped, “you don’t” he sighed and fell silent. He was going to offer advice he knew she didn't want.

“If Jere is weird about you seeing alphas, I’m sure I or Steven” he quickly added. “or someone can talk to him about it”

“He’s not weird about it. You don't know what you’re talking about” he looked like he didn’t believe her.

He got up, coming to sit on the chair positioned right by the bed. He didn’t say anything, nor did she. She just stared at the ceiling.

“Your Mom said you had an arrangement with someone”

“It fell through. I’ll sort it ok…you don't need to worry about me”

“I'll always worry about you”

She couldn’t look at him, she knew it was true, she could feel it, somewhere deep within her, somewhere new.

She looked around and yawned, “I’m tired, could we,” she stopped, “Could we watch a film or something”

“Yeah , yeah of course”

They Conrad’s phone up against the water jug and put on a film, something stupid, something light, she wasn’t really paying attention, mostly she was just drifting in and out of sleep. She knew exactly where Conrad was, right next to her, his head rested on his hand.

His phone began to ring, he scrambled ungracefully to grab it.

“Hey Laur” when had he started calling my mom that? She thought to herself “Just give me a second”

He clearly thought she was asleep, he took their wrists and pressed them together lightly rubbing the glands against each other, before walking out. His absence woke her up a little, her chest smarting a little, a prickly kind of ache. He came back in before long and saw that she’d awoken a little.

“Sorry if that woke you” he said, as he came back in.

“S’ok” she said, smiling sleepily at him.

“Could you put another film on? I like the noise” she said.

“Yeah yeah, course”

He put the phone back in its position, and she tried to get comfy. 20 minutes passed, then half an hour, she couldn’t get comfy.

She looked over at Conrad. She shouldn’t ask, but she was ill, she’d been told she needed pheromones, that's all it was, that's all she wanted.

“Would get in with me” she asked, almost inaudible

“Yeah, course, are you sure?” he asked, voice suddenly rough and cracking.

She nodded. She made space for him and they sat shoulder to shoulder for a little while, watching the film as Belly drifted in and out of sleep. She shuffled closer and closer to him, turning at one point turning so her face was on his shoulder, right near his gland. At some point he took their hands so that their wrists were touching, hands clutching the other's forearm, the other arm snaking around her back, playing with her hair.

It felt so good, wrapped in pheromones and him. Her chest was content, she could still feel it, the point, but it was calm, simmering gently beneath the surface. She could almost turn it this way and that, hold it in her mind, it felt comforting, safe.

She was half delirious. Half asleep. That's what she'd tell herself the next day when she thought it over, and curious, curious to experience something she couldn't ever have with Jeremiah. That was the only reason she said,

“Scent me again” her voice was rough too now. Barely there. But she knew he heard.

He stiffened and looked down at her with concern.

“Are you sure” he said, but she could tell he wanted to, his scent had darkened. Cedar and sandalwood and caramel and so much smoke, like a bonfire on a beach where the wood isn’t quite dry all the way through. In her chest she felt, he wants you to be yours and you want to be his. But that was an easy thought to dismiss as delirium.

“Please” she said, moving her hand to his cheek. She lowered his face into her neck.

He inhaled, a rough noise torn from his throat that he tried to cover with a cough.

He let the tip of his nose rest against her gland, it lit up her mind, the embers in her chest beginning to glow more brightly. Then his tongue, soft and firm, covering her in his scent and safety and reliance. She wasn't going to be left alone again. Her body slumped against his.

Chapter Text

When Belly woke up, Conrad was no longer in bed with her. He was still sitting right beside her, arms hung over the edge of the bed, his head slumped alongside it. Were it not for their wrists still being tightly held together, she might have thought it was a dream. It was for the best though, belly couldn’t imagine what Jeremiah would do if he saw her and Conrad like that.

Her mom arrived a couple of hours later, having stayed the night at the beach house and Conrad left soon after, saying something about giving them privacy, and finding some breakfast. Belly realised, with a pang of guilt, that he probably hadn't eaten anything in almost 24 hours.

Her Mom was worried, understandably, and disappointed, also understandably. Belly never mentioned how Jeremiah didn’t like her to go and seek out alphas, even really Steven or her Mom, but somehow her Mom seemed to know that that was the case. She said she’d speak to him. She also seemed disappointed that Jeremiah wasn’t here, and to be completely honest, so was Belly. Conrad had told her almost 12 hours ago that he was catching the first flight back, but that seemed not to be true, as the flight back to New York only took 2 hours. Jeremiah was never very good in emergencies though, or hospitals, which was understandable.

She could tell that her Mom could smell Conrad on her, her nose had quirked thoughtfully when she entered, and she had looked between the two of them, unpicking them at the seams, in a way she’d only ever seen her Mom do. Not even Susannah had ever been able to instantly figure out what was going on between them, but Laurel always had. She didn’t say anything about it though.

Conrad returned an hour later, laden with food for him and her Mom, and Belly as well.

“You didn’t need to do that,” she said softly, as he slid an iced coffee and a muffin towards her.

“You’re right, hospital food is famously Michelin star quality, what was I thinking”

Belly rolled her eyes, “Well, thank you anyway”

They ate in a comfortable silence, Conrad slipping her her phone that he'd picked up when he went back to the house and her Mom went to find a doctor. She fielded some worried messages from Taylor, noticing none from Jeremiah, who hadn’t seemed to notice that she'd gone AWOL for 24 hours, but nevermind. He was skiing, that was why, he wouldn’t have been expecting to hear from her anyway. She ignored the cold feeling in her chest, a want for him to have noticed, for him to inexplicably know when something was wrong with her. But that was unreasonable, she couldn’t get mad at Jeremiah for that.

She ended up scrolling through social media while Conrad worked on his crosswords, two small lines forming in between his eyebrows. Every so often he would ask for her opinion, but she didn’t often know the answer. They seemed to drift together like magnets, belly moving towards the left side of the bed, Conrad shifting the chair slightly to the right. Eventually she ended up pressed against the rail, her left hand hung over it. She could tell Conrad had noticed, glances down towards her wrist. Was she asking for something? She didn’t know, neither did he.

Eventually he reached down, grabbing her hand in his and intertwining their fingers, so that the glands on their wrists touched, what should have felt foreign, felt so natural, she was beginning to find it hard to imagine not doing this when he was in the room. She tamped down on any fleeting feelings of guilt- it was because she was pheromone deficient, nothing more. That was the reason her skin felt electric whenever he so much as brushed her hand. That was why the new point in her chest kept igniting like a flame when he stole a glance at her over his crossword. Nothing else.

Eventually a knock came at the door and they sprung apart.

“Come in,” she called.

There he was, Jeremiah, cheeks tinted pink from the cold, a smile on his face, so excited to see her.

“Belly! I was so worried” he gasped “How are you”

He started fussing over her, kissing her cheeks until she giggled and tucking in her sheets. He eventually came to rest on the bed, telling her about his journey and how the planes had been delayed, and how worried he was the entire time. Conrad had moved to the furthest corner of the room by this stage and was staring blankly down at his phone. The distance between them was all she could think about, all she could focus on.

“Belly?”

She hadn’t been listening

“Hmm- sorry?”

Jeremiah laughed, “You’re all spacy, I asked if you needed anything, I’m sure Conrad can go get it while I wait here with you” he took her hand in his, she could see Conrad rolling his eyes at his phone screen.

“Oh- no I'm fine, I don’t need anything”

Conrad nodded, “Well I’ll give you guys some space and I’ll try and find your Mom Belly, she’s been gone a while” and he strode out the door.

Watching him leave left a prickly kind of emptiness in her chest, where the point had been glowing red hot it became cool crystallising into shards in her chest.

—-------------------

As soon as Conrad left the room he slid down the wall, head almost between his knees in the corridor. If he had to watch his brother touch her and kiss her for a moment longer, he was going to explode. Jere, sitting there, acting as if he had had any kind of concern for her yesterday, or the apparently multiple other occasions where this has happened. Or each day that he let her go without going to see Steven or her Mom, or anyone.

He had let himself get too close, too attached again. That day with Belly in the beach house and last night, letting himself feel like it was real, like they were a real couple, holding hands and scenting and her falling asleep on his chest. It was too much. Watching Jeremiah touch her and hold her, watching her allow it, it smarted in that anchor point on his chest, twisting somewhere deep. It seemed to constrict his chest, snaking round till all he could take were quick, shallow breaths.

In for 4, hold for 5, out for 4. In for 4 , hold for 5, out for 4. He couldn’t remember how many times or for how long he had sat there, just breathing, trying in vain not to listen to Belly giggling in the next room. Eventually Laurel found him. She slid down to sit next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“Hey Connie”

Conrad couldn't seem to force any kind of response out of himself. Laurel seemed to be deciding what to say.

“She smells a lot like you” was what she decided on. It should have reminded him of when they were together, when she always smelled like him, it should have reminded him of what he wasn't going to be able to have again, but somehow it soothed something within him, something primal that he didn’t like to look at, let alone comprehend. She did smell like him.

“Jeremiah said this has happened before” he croaked out.

“Belly said the same”

“He didn’t do anything”

“No”

“No one did anything”

Laurel paused, “No, no one did anything”

Conrad's head sunk lower between his knees, his hands came up, gripping the hair on the back of his head.

“He was supposed so protect her- He, I- I let her go and he was supposed to protect her, be right for her”

Laurel didn’t say anything for a long while, just rubbed his back and pressed a kiss to the crown of his head.

“I know,” she whispered, “I thought he’d protect her too”

Conrad didn’t go back into Belly’s hospital room. The doctor came to tell Belly about her blood tests. Laurel said he should go back to the house, shower, and get some proper rest. She didn’t thank him for taking her to the hospital, for staying with her all night, for taking care of her. She didn’t need to, he could hear it in the wobble of her voice, in the hand that she placed on his forearm as she went back inside.

He cringed as he entered his car. It was soaked in Belly’s scent form yesterday, usually not something he would have complained about, but the pain she was in left a bitter aftertaste, sharp and acidic, blending badly with her usual vanilla and jasmine. He could have bought an air freshener in the shop he stopped at to pick up food for dinner, but he didn’t. Belly’s scent, even acidic and tinged with pain, was better than no scent at all.

He busied himself with menial tasks, he aired out Belly’s bedroom and changed her sheets, hoping beyond hope that her and Jeremiah were going to at least sleep in separate beds that evening, he didn’t think he could stand watching his brother take her to bed. He put sheets on Jeremiah and Laurel’s bed, as Laurel had apparently slept on the sofa last night. He made sure the heating was on, and that there was a fire in the living room for when they returned.

They ate the dinner he cooked, chicken and pasta and tomato sauce, together, though Belly didn’t seem very hungry. Nor was Conrad, the sight of Jeremiah fussing over her, constantly holding some part of her was enough to turn anyone’s stomach, he thought. His chest was slowly turning cold, the sight of Jeremiah doing- well really doing anything to Belly or with Belly, that had previously ignited jealousy inside him now just seemed to turn his chest a few degrees colder. He felt filled with loneliness, some kind of grief, some kind of despair.

They did sleep in separate beds, at least. He heard Jeremiah take her into her room and then depart, which was enough for him. He could cling onto the small things, the small victories. That would have to be enough.

Then a knock came at his door, it was late, but he knew immediately who it was.

Belly was standing behind it, wearing the same pyjamas she had on the first day. She looked a bit better now though, a bit brighter, skin shinier, hair less dull.

“Hey, is everything ok?” Conrad whispered.

She nodded, “Yeah, i just- cant get to sleep, the pheromones in my room are too strong. Can I come in?”

He stepped aside and let her in, don’t say it, he thought, don’t say it, don’t say it,

“Shouldn’t you go and see Jere,” he said.

She looked down at her feet, “Yeah, yeah- I just figured he’s probably asleep and i didn’t want to disturb him”

Conrad nodded and sat down on the bed.

“I did try to air out your room”

“Yeah I could tell it's just still-” she trailed off.

“No, I get it,” he replied.

She lay down

“What are doing” she asked

“Just this cross word” he replied, “Want to help?”

She stared at it.

“Still”

He looked up, “Huh?”

“I still love you”

His face paled, heart beating faster, he couldn't think of a single thing to say-

“12 down. The book? P.S. I still love you”

His face flooded with embarrassment.

“Oh- yeah, good spot” he croaked out.

Belly continued to point out some answers, though the space between became longer, her body slumping further against him. Eventually he looked down, thought she’d fallen asleep, but she looked up at him.

“I missed you” she whispered, like it was a secret, like no one else could know or everything would fall apart.

“I missed you too” he replied. He wasn’t sure what this was. But telling the truth felt better than lying. He didn’t want to lie to her again.

“I’m scared-” she started, “I’m scared I’m going to lose you” she was back to whispering

“Don’t be. I’m only a phone call away” he replied softly, taking her hand on instinct and letting his crossword fall to the side.

“Would you pick up- if I rang you” she asked cautiously. I shouldn’t, he thought to himself.

“I would always pick up for you” he said instead. It was also true. He would, he would always love her, and he would always help her. He would just have to snatch moments where he could, hold onto them tightly, let them sate him until the next time he got to be around her.

She seemed happy with that answer, and quickly fell asleep, hands still clutched together.

He let himself indulge in the peace of it for 5 minutes before he took her back to bed. It wouldn’t do to have her found asleep in his bed. He wasn’t her boyfriend. Or her alpha. He was a friend, nothing more.

As he carried her she turned her nose into his neck, she stirred slightly.

“Was going on” she asked sleepily.

“Just taking you back to your room” he whispered.

“No- no I don't like it in there,” she struggled against him slightly as he laid her in bed.

“You have to sleep in here, you know you do”

She didn’t say anything for a while, he brushed the hair away from her face and kissed her brow, it didn’t matter, she was asleep anyway. Just as he stepped away he heard-

“Conrad”

“Yeah” he said reaching for the door handle

“Come back” who was he to refuse her? He was just a man and maybe just like everyone else, he couldn’t resist being needed. Especially not by her.

“Will you do it one last time?” she stared blearily up at him. His chest tightened, heart beating faster. His brother, her boyfriend, was in the next room. He couldn’t scent her, not again. Right? He had more self control than that. And yet, he was leaning down towards her neck. Nosing over the gland, letting her scent light up over his tongue. Let it permeate every cell in his mouth.

He spent longer that night than he had either of the other times. Belly was well and truly asleep when he was done, maybe because he knew it was the last time he would get to do this with her. Maybe this was the last time he would want to do this with anyone. Still, he couldn’t tear himself away, he sat on the floor by her bed, facing the door, as if guarding her. He said 10 minutes, which quickly turned to twenty and thirty, before he knew it he had spent the whole night next to her somewhere between sleep and consciousness.

It was laurel that woke him.

“Oh- Connie” she only called him that when he was sad. He didn't feel sad at that moment, not when he could still feel Belly’s breath against the top of his head. Maybe she knew he was going to later.

“You should go back to your room now”

She said it so kindly, so much love and understanding poured into her words. He nodded meekly. He brushed the hair out of Belly’s face, and made his way to the door. As he turned back he saw Laurel trying and failing to wake belly, and peeking out from under one of her pillows, a flash of multicolour- his scarf, hidden away.

Chapter Text

He never called. He never promised he would, she reminded herself. He promised to pick up, but she couldn’t pick up the phone and call him. She wasn’t prepared for what that would mean. Needing more than Jeremiah and his sunny disposition. Needing more than him and his comfort, needing something to turn that point inside her alight. It had laid cold and dormant since Conrad got on the plane back to Stanford. Sometimes she thought it had disappeared, but then she would think about him for a moment too long and it would glow, just a little, like white embers when you blew on them.

She didn’t know what she had expected him to do, stay in cousins forever? He had said goodbye at least, which was new. In the last few years she had let Conrad take shape in her mind, she hadn't seen him so he had been able to develop into whatever she wanted him to be, or more accurately, whatever it was easiest for him to be. He had turned not quite evil, but cowardly, not fighting for her, doing what was easy, not what was right. She was starting to realise that right and easy and Conrad were not as simple as she thought. Now the one Conrad had turned into two.

There was Conrad at 18 and 19, loving her, breaking her heart, breaking his own heart, letting her go. He was angry and hurt and so young, so small, what did they know about each other then? What did they know about themselves? Except promises whispered to all sorts of different people, late at night, in the grey of a hospital room, under the shadow of grief.

Then there was Conrad now. Older, more sure, more steady. Reliable. He knew who he was. Though in her mind he hadn’t fully taken shape yet, maybe she didn’t know this version of him well enough, maybe she didn’t want to look too deep into what this new Conrad meant.

Those few days in the hospital and in Cousins over Christmas he had looked at her like she was his, and like she wasn’t, like she was some kind of a ghost and like she was the most alive he’d ever seen anyone. He had taken care of her, when everyone around her had let her run herself into the ground. That wasn’t fully their fault, she knew that, she knew. But the part of herself she hated everyday, that needed comfort and support and reassurance, maybe that part that idolised Conrad for so many years, loved it. He knew she needed help and he gave it, and he gave it again, no questions, no requirements.

Jeremiah pulled her out of her reverie.

“Here,” he said proudly, presenting her with half of a Subway sandwich, “I knew you hadn’t eaten, I saved you this”

“Thanks Jere” she chuckled, he leaned down and she kissed his cheek, sighing.

“I missed you,” he said.

“Mmm missed you too” she said, biting down on the sandwich.

It had been almost a month and a half since her brief hospital trip, and she felt better. She had been going to see Steven more, once every two weeks she would make the trip to New York. Sometimes Taylor would come with her, depending on whether she and Steven were broken up or not. They would watch a film and she could curl up into Steven's side and fall asleep. Jeremiah didn’t ask questions. She could tell that he still didn’t love it, but he knew now, how bad it could be for her health to not. So he let her go each time without complaint.

She realised how much she had been missing, she gained some weight, her skin looked better, her hair shinier. She looked healthy again. Something underneath though, wasn’t quite right. Her appetite was still small, she was still getting almost constant colds and she never felt like having sex anymore. She still found Jeremiah attractive, but she just couldn’t fathom the thought of having sex with anyone right now. But next week was valentines day, maybe if they went out for a date, she would feel more in the mood.

Belly had always loved romance. As a child she had imagined dancing during sunset, dinners on the beach, as a teen, kissing under the stars, dancing around each other in the kitchen as they made dinner together. She loved Jere, but after the first year of their relationship, all of those romantic ventures were gone. Which was fine, she supposed, it was replaced with love and connection and trust, but sometimes, she wished he would do something romantic again, not just another day of watching films in his frat house, or messing about in her dorm room.

“So…” Jeremiah said in a teasing voice, "There's a huge party next week for valentines and I thought we could go together?”

Oh, she thought to herself.

“Is it actually on valentines day?” she asked tentatively.
“Yeah, of course, it’ll be great though, really romantic” somehow she doubted that.

“I just thought that maybe…we could go out for dinner, you know, have a night just the two of us”

“Yeah- i mean that would be really nice, but we can have dinner together any night, this party is only on valentines day” he sighed, “But yeah we can go to dinner, I just thought because it’s my senior year it’s my last chance to go, I’ve spent the last 3 valentines day just the two of us and people always say this is like one of the best ones of the year”

“Yeah ok” she sighed, “When you put it that way, lets go”

“We don’t have to”

“No, I want to, I'm looking forward to it” she said, plastering a smile on her face.

The sun was setting now and they were walking hand in hand towards his frat house. Talking, laughing, he spun her around, kissing her, still laughing through the kiss at something she’d said. This was it. She thought to herself, this is so easy, so lovely. They made sense together, they brought out great things in each other.

They had had an amazing month together, better than the semester leading up to Christmas, when she’d been constantly cold and needing affection, when she felt like she needed to be glued to his side for some semblance of normalcy.

Later, they lay in bed, side by side. His hair flopped in front of his eyes and she brushed it away. He gathered her up into his arms and she sighed with contentment.

“Sometimes-” he stopped.

She stared up at him, brushing her lips against his, “Sometimes?”

He shook his head, “it doesn’t matter”

She let it slide, sometimes if she pressed, it was things she didn’t want to hear.

He carried on anyway.

“Sometimes, when we lie like this I just think of last semester" he said, belly stiffened, “You were just with me all of the time, I loved that.”

“You loved that?” she echoed, getting up slightly.

“Yeah” he said as if it was obvious, “I like being around you, I liked that you were around me all the time.”

She got back down, she didn’t like that he’d said that, but she couldn’t be bothered to have a fight, and it had been such a nice evening.

Still he carried on.

“You just wanted me to hug you all the time. I loved it when you said it helped you,”

We’re having a fight then I guess, she thought to herself.

“You miss when I was so ill that I couldn't be away from you?” she asked.

“No, no belly don't look at it like that. It’s more like, I liked that I could give you what you needed. It felt nice.”

She lay back down again, he didn’t mean anything by it, she knew that. But it hurt that while she had been feeling ill, empty, tired for months, he had apparently been enjoying it. That he missed when she was so ill that she could have gone into organ failure.

“Are you going to see Steven this week?” he asked, she just nodded in response, “Maybe this week you could miss it?”

“What?”

“Well I just thought, missing one week won’t hurt too much right, and then I could give you what you need.”

Belly’s mind went blank.

“Do you even hear yourself right now?”

“I don’t think it's unreasonable for a boyfriend to want to feel like his girlfriend needs him, like he can provide for her”

“Ok well thats not what you’re saying though is it” she said seething, “you’re saying that you want me to get into a state of deprivation that even a beta hugging me helps”

“What do you mean even a beta”

“Just that beta’s can’t give me what I need, that's not anyone's fault, it's just the way it is. I could get seriously ill Jeremiah, I’ve already been seriously ill from pulling that kind of stuff.”

She was stood up at this point, above the bed while he sat on the edge of it.

“I just want you to feel good from hugging me or touching me or whatever it is you need”

“I do feel good!”

“But not as good as you would if it was Conrad”

“Oh my god” she laughed to herself, “Is this what this is about?”

“Yes. He found you, he got to be the saviour again, and I was the stupid boyfriend who didn’t know that anything was wrong. Who didn't do anything.”

“I was sick, seriously ill and that's what you were thinking about?? Great. No really. Great, good to know I can rely on you in my time of need.”

She grabbed her bag and stormed out of his room and out of his stupid frat house, that she’d hated. Hated since the day he moved in.

As she walked away tears began to build up behind her eyes. It was dark out, and while campus was lit, it was pretty empty. She opened her phone and tried to call Taylor. It went straight to voicemail. The tears started pouring down her face. She knew Jeremiah didn't want her to be sick, but it was hard, so hard, that when she was feeling cold and alone twenty-four hours a day, he was just ‘Enjoying her company’. How could he not see how hurtful that was?

She reached her dorm room, it was empty, her roommate had obviously gone to stay with her boyfriend or something. She sat on her bed, clutching her phone to her chest, trying to regulate her breathing. The point in her chest, that still hadn’t faded, felt like it was trying to pull itself out of her. Wriggling, squirming beneath the surface. She tried to put on a tv show, tried to stop the tears from pouring down her face. It was no use.

She walked her closet and reached into the back, feeling out for a scrap of soft material. She grabbed it and brought it to her face. She tried not to think about it, her snatching it off the coathooks in Cousins, what it meant that the thought of not having some of Conrad’s scent sent bolts of dread through her. It was pretty faint now. She didn't use it everyday, just when she was very upset, or when it had been almost two weeks since seeing Steven. To be perfectly honest, once every two weeks was not enough, but it was all she felt she could ask of him. And maybe all Jeremiah would allow.

This time though, his scent didn’t work. Instead all it seemed to do was open a new emptiness inside her, digging into her bones, leaving her shivering. She felt so alone and it ached, right deep where she imagined her soul would be, blistering, aching emptiness.

Without thinking she sunk to the floor and held her phone to her ear.

He answered immediately.

“Hey Belly,” he sounded happy, happy to hear from her, she hoped, “Is everything ok?” he asked after presumably hearing nothing but heavy breathing on the other end of the line.

She tried to say something, but all that came out was a half sound, a wheezing sob wracking through her body.

“Hey, hey” he said, “What’s happened? Are you ok, are you safe?”, worry evident in his tone.

She sniffed, trying to hold herself together.

“Don’t worry I’m in my dorm”

“Ok,” he sighed in relief, “Is someone there with you, where’s Jere?”

“We had a fight” she murmured

“Right”, then silence, from both ends. Then she spoke again.

“I don’t want to do it again” she tried to keep the tears back but they kept coming.

“Do what Belly”

“I dont want to go into deprivation again, i cant- i cant do it again” her breaths were coming in heavily, quickly, “Please, don't make me do that again, i can- i can’t do it, I’m sorry I just can’t”

“Belly you don't have to do that again ok?” he said, slowly, softly, gently, trying to coax some semblance of calm out of her, “No one's asking you to do that ok? We’ll make sure you don’t have to do that again, alright?”

Her breaths were still ragged, the point in her sternum burned, she couldn't get to it, she was scratching at her chest, leaving behind trails of red.

“He is” she gasped “But i don’t want to, i don't want to”

She could hear herself becoming more hysterical, but she couldn’t stop, couldn’t get the panic from her mind. It felt as if it was invading every part of her. She could tell he didn’t know what to do.

“Do you still have” he paused, and then more softly, “Do you still have the scarf you took from the beach house”

She froze, it was still clutched in her hand, interwoven with her fingers. He knew? He always knew.

“Yeah” was all she said.

“Just use that ok, it’ll help” he said simply, and this time it did. She took deep breaths into it, taking what scent she could.

He was silent as her breathing slowed. The anxiety lifted from her chest, and the spot stopped squirming and burning, settling into a familiar glow beneath the surface, comforting, safe. She felt dizzy, but good, not ill or feverish. It felt like the first time she’d tried a cigarette, a rushing dizziness. Foreign, but good.

“Theres not much scent left” she said, her words coming before her mind could police them.

And he laughed, “Sorry about that” he said, and then, “Have you been using a lot”

She made a noise of assent. He sighed.

“You’re going to see Steven regularly right?”

She almost rolled her eyes, “Yes, yes, once every two weeks, but-” she didn't finish the thought, she felt slightly more cognizant now, but still slightly floaty, more able to keep things in.

“But it's not enough?” Conrad guessed.

“I- Yeah” Belly relented, “I feel a lot better though”, she said trying to placate him.

“But you could be even better”

“I- everyone could feel better couldn’t they?”

She shifted, painfully, her joints stiff from being on the floor.

“Where are you?” he asked.

“On the floor,” she chuckled.

“You should get into bed” he said, so she did. It felt simple. She kept the scarf in one hand, and her phone in the other and lay down. She felt much calmer now. They talked for an hour, about what he was doing in med school, about how she couldn’t play volleyball anymore, how that had left a big gap in her life. Then she started to feel sleepy, her eyes closing involuntarily.

In her half awake- half asleep state she said, “It’s not gonna smell like you for much longer” not realising how out of context her statement was.

Conrad just laughed quietly to himself, “I’m sure we can sort something out”

That placated her and she fell asleep, still holding the phone to her ear.

Two days later a package arrived at her door. She opened it, a navy jumper with Stanford emblazoned on the front. It was heavily coated in scent, and on top a post it note.

I hope this helps
- C x

Chapter Text

He thought he felt bad before Christmas, that he couldn’t possibly feel worse about Belly and Jeremiah than he did. He hadn’t gone back to Boston with his dad and Jeremiah, he spent Christmas in California. Agnes took pity on him and invited him round to her family dinner. He felt like an imposition, but couldn’t imagine anything worse than spending Christmas alone, well, he could, watching Jeremiah and his- and Belly, all over each other. Jeremiah pretending like he hadn’t had a hand in almost killing her.

He thought about her almost every moment. He couldn't get her out of his head, as if by scenting her she had burrowed a hole into his mind and set up camp there. His chest ached constantly, dull and ever present, smarting if he thought about the situation a little too hard. He had also developed a long and consistent cold, sore muscles, and a constant headache. Over the last few years he had become much slower to anger, but now everything, it seemed, was setting him off. It had gotten so bad that he’d made a doctor's appointment, and though they said there was nothing wrong, they took some tests just in case.

He was eating dinner when he got the call from Belly. She was distraught, and while he was still unsure what her and Jeremiah had fought about, he had a distinct impression that it had something to do with him asking her not to go and visit Steven. His brother was an idiot. An idiot that he had let Belly go to. An idiot he thought would protect her. He was wrong.

He’d managed to calm her down, and was shocked and unsurprised in equal measure when he realised that she had kept the scarf, going so far as to take it to college with her. It had helped apparently, his chest ached at the thought, not being able to be there with her, to help her, to check that she was ok. She mentioned twice that the smell was almost gone, he wasn’t quite sure what she wanted. But, the day after the call he took his favourite jumper and scented it, wrapped it up and sent it to Belly before he could think twice about it.

She never said anything about receiving it, and he never asked, but their phone conversations continued. Once a week, twice if she was stressed, she would phone him, alone from her dorm, they would talk, often she would cry, and he would calm her down with gentle words, reassurance. It didn't matter where he was, he picked up, like he promised. He missed lectures sometimes, Agnes would eye him carefully, calculating. He knew there would be questions eventually, but for now it was between them, him and Belly, a secret.

It helped her, as far as he could tell, each conversation he had with her there were less tears, less empty silences where she would lose her train of thought. It helped him too. His headaches slowly faded, his muscle aches and anger too. Especially when he would take out the jumper she’d worn and put it around him, holding it to his chest. Sometimes he pictured her, doing the same, it tugged on the anchor point in his chest. Sometimes he imagined an invisible string between them, one could pull on it, know that the other was ok, pull harder and bring the other to them, all the way across the continent. He talked to her until she fell asleep, until he heard soft breaths on the other end and he could imagine that she was next to him, safe and asleep.

“So…who’s this girl that keeps calling you at all hours of the day and night”

He knew she wouldn’t be able to keep Agnes’s questions at bay for long. They were in a bar at 4pm, it had been a hard week.

“No one” Conrad replied, bringing his drink up to his lips to smother the smirk on his face.

“Uh huh, right.” she stared at him, “No one is who you’re dropping everything for. It's like you don't even want to get into Dr Namazy’s program. I’ve never seen you do this for anyone”

Conrad shrugged.

“God it’s killing me not to know” she said, leaning towards him in the way only Anges did, when she was curious. She was always able to read him like a book. It had taken her exactly 1 and ¼ dates to realise that he was in love with someone else. She hadn’t been angry, amused mostly, and now, she was one of the best friends he’d ever had. She understood him and challenged him and called him out on his bullshit.

“Its that girl isn’t it” she said, “The one you were in love with when we first met”

“I can neither confirm nor deny,” he joked.

“I think it's good that your back together, you’ve been pining for long enough”

“We’re not together”

“Right and you didn’t turn up to my family’s Christmas dinner absolutely reeking of another Omega”

“It’s complicated”

She rolled her eyes. “What isn’t complicated with you”

Conrad found himself relenting. He was a little tipsy, and it felt good to share. It wasn’t like Agnes would ever meet Belly anyway.

“She's an old family friend. I spent a few days with her at Christmas and I ended up having to take her to hospital. Turns out she was in touch deprivation”

“Jesus, that's tough”

“Yeah and I was the only person there, so I ended up- I ended up scenting her”

Agnes’s eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything, taking a sip of her drink instead.

“But she’s back at college and I’m here and that's that”

“So does she have a boyfriend or something? Can you not do long distance”

“She’s my brothers girlfriend”

“Fuck- your brother, that's not a great look”

“Hey- she was my girlfriend first”

“And you’ve been in love with her all these years?”

Conrad just nodded. He remembered why he didn’t tell people things. It felt good in the moment but afterwards, there was an empty space where the secret used to be. His mind felt slack, used to keeping it in.

“Now” he sighed, “She’s still not getting what she needs, not really. And she calls me and I help her and she helps me. When I’m not around both of them, when it's just me and her, it's easy to pretend”

“That she’s yours”

“Yeah” he downed the rest of his drink.

“Why does she call you? Like I'm sure you’re great to talk to but…why you”

“I’m not sure. We just…kind of understand each other, always have”

At that moment, his phone started to ring.

“Hi, is this Conrad Fisher”

“Yeah, that's me”

“I’m from Dr Boxfield’s office, calling about the results of your blood test, we’d like you to come in tomorrow at 9 AM”

—------------------------------

Conrad sat in the waiting room, trying and failing to stop his right leg from vibrating.

“Mr Fisher” an attendant called. He made his way into the examination room.

The doctor shook his hand and introduced himself. Then he opened his clipboard, examining the results.

“Now Mr Fisher, you’re bloods look good in general, normal, but there is something we would like to flag with you”

Conrad nodded.

“Now just to confirm, you’ve never bonded with anyone, correct?”

“No- no I haven’t ever bonded with someone”

“Ok- well what we think we’ve found is a preliminary bond”

Conrad sat back, silent.

“Have you heard of it?” the doctor asked, “Its-”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard of it” Conrad breathed.

They had covered it last semester in Alpha/Omega studies, a compulsory unit for all med students. It’s a bond comparable to that of mates, but not quite as strong. It occurs in two individuals who are extremely compatible, their pheromones almost completely complementary. It had been documented for hundreds of years- some called it soulmates.

“It explains all of your symptoms” the doctor stated, “Have you been feeling them getting worse”

“No” he stated, “I’ve been talking to her and they’ve almost completely faded”

Those with preliminary bonds who were separated started getting physical symptoms. More prone to colds, aches, pains, irritability. Contact and the others scent would dispel them. That's why he’d been feeling so much better. How had he not seen it?

“What’s going to happen?” he asked. His voice small.

The doctor sighed, “As I’m sure you know, if you decide to mate, then it would turn into a full bond, if that is not a route you choose to go down, you can have it medically severed”

“And if we do neither?”

“It will be uncomfortable for the rest of your life. It may be hard to form a proper bond with other people. The symptoms would fade with time though. My recommendation would be to mate, or to have it severed though”

The doctor got up, “Do you have any more questions?”

“No- no. thank you for your time” Conrad said as he got up.

As he walked to the car, the only thing he could think of was what Belly had said to him on the beach that summer, drunk, water rushing around their ankles:

“I don't want you to need me, I want you to want me”

How could he ever convince her now? They would have picked it up on her blood test, he saw the anomaly, that meant she knew. She would always think that that is all they were, hormones and pheromones and alpha and omega. That she was needed. Not wanted.

The point- the bond- ached at the thought, he put a hand over it, as if he could feel Belly from all those miles away.

Chapter Text

She didn’t think about the phone calls, she didn’t think about the jumper in the back of her closet. She didn’t think about the calm that washed over her whenever she heard his voice. Or the ache she got in her chest when they went more than a week without calling.

The months passed by, and before she knew it, it was early May. Conrad and her called twice a week now normally. They would talk and talk, and at some point she would start to fall asleep, in that half asleep, half awake haze she would start to say things she shouldn't. She liked to pretend that he was asleep, or so out of it himself that he didn’t hear them. But she knew he did. She knew it in her chest whenever she got another package, soft and smelling just like him. She would put it in the back of her closet, and the back of her mind. Opening it only when she really had to.

“C’mon, we’re gonna be late” she heard Jeremiah from her bed.

“Sorry, Sorry,” she said, coming over to sit next to him, “Beauty takes time don’t you know”

He rolled his eyes, “You’re always beautiful to me”, he pecked her on the lips, pulling her in for a hug.

Then he stood, “Ok, but it's really really time to go”

“Ok, ok!” she laughed, she grabbed her purse and followed him out the door.

In the car they listened to Jeremiah’s music, he would dance at stoplights, making her laugh. In that moment everything felt so perfect, Belly wouldn’t give this up for the world. The fun, the simplicity, the love he had for her lighting her up.

The party was in full swing by the time they got there, Jeremiah dragged her to get a drink first, and then they danced. Swaying to the music, arms wrapped around one another, lips finding each other momentarily. He looked at her like she hung the moon and stars, held her like she could break at any moment.

“I love you so much” he whispered against the shell of her ear.

“I love you more” she whispered back, catching his lips in a kiss.

—-------------------------------------

She ended up in one of the bathrooms, choosing the one that stank the least of stale urine and sick. She was reapplying her lipstick when she heard a knock at the door.

“One minute!” she called, finishing up. And then she heard it.

“Have you seen that Jeremiah’s here”

“Ugh yes, he's so hot”

Belly smirked to herself. She didn’t mind, everyone thought Jeremiah was hot, he only had eyes for her though. She liked that everyone liked him, his joy was infectious, she loved that he shared it with so many people.

“You’re so lucky that you got to hook up with him Lacie”

Her blood ran cold.

“What happens in Cabo stays in Cabo,” she said, giggling

Belly burst out of the bathroom. The colour drained from the girls' faces.

“Fuck” one of them said as she ran down the stairs.

She saw Jeremiah with his frat brothers, playing beer pong.

“I need to talk to you”

He didn't even look at her. He didn't even look at her.

“Just give me one sec Bells, its my go next”

“No,” she said, grabbing his arm, “I need to talk to you now!”

“Ok, ok” he said relenting, “Is everything ok”

She marched outside, him following behind her.

“Did you hook up with Lacie in Cabo?”

Silence.

“Oh my god, you did” tears, hot and prickly sprung up behind her eyes, “How could you? I thought- I thought this was something Jeremiah”

“We were on a break!”

“On a break, not broken up!” she screamed, “What did you do? Tell me. What did you do.”

“We had sex” she slapped him, right across the face. Hard and hot and painful and she meant every part of it.

“How many times.”

“Twice” he gasped “but it didn’t mean anything”

“Yeah? Well sex means something to me” she could feel her anger fading fast, fading into something worse, something emptier. Something that was going to gnaw away at her, blistering apart inside her.

“We’re done,” she said. She began to walk away. From the boy she thought would never hurt her. From the man she'd begun to stake her life on. She could hear him chasing after her, but she didn’t listen.

—-------------------------

The next days passed in a blur. She sat in bed, watching TV, crying, eating ice cream that Taylor brought her. She wanted to call Conrad. She wanted to talk to him. His comfort, his reassurance that she was going to be ok. But what could she possibly tell him? As much as it was breaking her to know that Jeremiah had done this, she couldn’t imagine what it would do to Conrad. She knew they both sometimes felt like the only thing they had was each other, she was not going to come between that more than she already was. So she sat wearing his jumper, letting his scent comfort her, even if his words couldn’t. She ignored the funny looks Taylor was giving her. But, she seemed to know better than to ask about it.

She had seen Jeremiah around on campus. He had begged for her forgiveness, on his hands and knees but she had held strong. He had betrayed her, in the worst way imaginable, hurt her in a way he couldn’t comprehend. He was supposed to never hurt her, always protect her, that was what she had always thought. What everyone had thought.

She had thought the week couldn’t get worse. But then she got a call.

“Hey Taylor” she sighed into the phone.

“Belly- its Steven”

Her blood ran cold.

—----------------------

The hospital was cold, bathed in a light that hurt her head. Her mom wasn't picking up, or her dad. Taylor sat next to her sniffling.

“Why won’t they tell us anything?” Taylor whispered.

“I don’t know” she whispered back, “I don’t know any of the answers” she said, letting the paperwork rest on the seat next to her and putting her head in her hands, hot tears running down her face. Her breathing picked up. She didn’t know the answers. She didn’t know anything.

She stood up, her heart racing. Suddenly, her phone rang. Thank god, she thought, Mom’s picking up, finally.

“I have to take this,” she said, sniffling. Taylor nodded absently, tears pouring down her cheeks now too.

She answered.

“Belly” she heard on the other end. Not her Mom. His voice sent a chill down her spine, she sunk to the floor, “Belly are you there? Is everything ok”. How had he known? He’d never called her before, it was always her calling him. How on earth had he known?

“No” she said, starting to sob, “It's Steven, he was in a car crash. He's alive but they’re giving him tests, I’m not sure, a CT they said, Conrad they won’t tell us anything”

“Oh my god” there was a moment of pause, “It's gonna be ok alright, we’re gonna sort this out. Who’s there with you?”

“Just Taylor” she murmured

“You can’t reach your Mom?”

“No, no she’s not picking up” the sobs started wracking through her body, “He’s gonna die Conrad, he’s gonna die and it’s going to tear me apart.”

“Belly, breathe. Deep breaths. It's going to be alright. Nothing is certain, he could be absolutely fine, ok?” he said it so firmly, with so much confidence that she almost believed him.

“I wish you were here” she said without thinking.

He sighed. She could almost picture him, white coat, looking around, conflicted, his hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck. “I’m on shift, but I'm going to talk to my boss ok? She might know someone in neuro at Mass General and then I'll get on the next flight out alright?”

Her body flooded with relief. He would be here, it was going to be okay.

“You don’t need to do that” she put up a feeble opposition.

“I want to” he said, “You’re all family, and you help family right?”

“Right,” she agreed.

“Ok, I'll go and speak to my boss now and I’ll text you when I get on my flight”

“Thank you”

“It’s gonna be ok, Belly. I’ll be there before you know it.”

The call dropped. She let out a huge sigh, dropping her head between her knees, taking deep breaths. Talking to him had lifted a weight inside her that she didn’t know she’d been carrying. Her chest felt lighter, and that point, right on her sternum, glowed warm. It was going to be ok, Conrad was going to be here.

He arrived 6 hours later, looking tired. By this time whatever Conrad had said to his boss had clearly worked, as they were able to see Steven in his own private room. They said he had a cracked rib and a cerebral contusion, but the doctor didn’t stay long enough to explain what that was. But he was stable. That was important.

Belly was in the hall when she saw him, trying and failing to get in contact with her Mom, but it was now the middle of the night, so she was having little luck.

“Belly” he said, as he came down the hallway, a backpack slung over his shoulder. He was still wearing his work clothes, slacks and a button up, his hair was dishevelled, getting in his eyes. As he came towards her he dropped the backpack and swept her into his arms. Her chest lit up, almost painfully, the point inside her erupted, overflowing with emotion. It hadn't felt like this since the last time she saw him. Since that night in the hospital, that she still played over in her mind.

They stood like that for a long while, her against his chest, his chin rested on her head. His scent was so strong, cedar and salt air, wood smoke and sandalwood, he smelled like cousins, and summer and comfort. Tears bled into his shirt. He nosed the top of her head. They were torn apart by a cough next to them: Taylor. She didn’t say anything, just looked Conrad up and down, before returning to Steven’s side.

“How are you?” he said, looking around before looking back at her.

She wiped her eyes, chuckling a little, “Sorry, yeah I’m ok. Tired. Worried. Whatever you said to your boss worked. Thank you so much”

A half smile came across his face.

“It’s never an issue. Have they said what’s wrong with him?”

“A cracked rib, and a cerebral...something" she shook her head "They didn’t really explain, just said he was stable and that we have to wait” he nodded.

“Ok, ok” he paused, “Right, I might go and find a doctor, then see if I can explain a bit better what's going on. Is that ok?”

“Yeah, yeah of course. That would be really useful, thank you.”

He smiled, and pulled her in for another hug. This time she wrapped her arms around him properly, shutting her eyes as she put her head on his chest. As he pulled away she felt him rub his wrist against her back and side.

He came back after about 15 minutes. He explained that the cracked rib wouldn’t present as a huge issue, but that Steven had a bruised brain. It wasn’t growing, which was a good sign, but the doctors couldn’t say how severe it would be until he woke up.

“What does severe mean? What could happen to him?” Taylor asked. She looked at him pleadingly. Belly hadn’t seen her bite her nails since she was 10 years old. She said it was an ugly habit. But here Taylor was, biting her nails.

Conrad sighed, “It could be as little as dizziness, nausea or- or it could cause seizures, memory problems, mobility issues, speech issues, they just don’t know. They can’t say until he’s woken up”

Taylor sat back down, taking Steven's hand in hers and bringing it to her lips.

“I-uh, i might go and find some food, if that's ok” Conrad said looking at belly.

“Yeah of course, sorry” She replied, she looked back at Taylor, who was gazing at Steven, softer than she’d ever seen her. She looked weak, Taylor, who had never crumbled under anything, any pressure, any person, was clutching his hand, sobbing into it, “I might- uh- I might come with you” Belly said, voice cracking a little.

“Yeah, yeah, course” he said softly.

She followed him out into the hall and along the corridors. She kept replaying Conrad’s words in her head. Mobility issues, seizures, speech and memory issues. Round and round like a broken record. Memory issues. What if he wakes up and he doesn’t know who I am. What if my big brother forgets about me? She thought to herself.

The thought played in her mind, images of Steven saying, sorry but I don't know you. And memories, memories that would from then on be only her own, not shared with the one person she’d known all her life.

Conrad had stopped walking and turned to face Belly.

“Hey, is everything ok” She realised that they were standing in an empty room.

“Where-” she trailed off

“You looked like you needed some quiet, away from Taylor and Steven” Conrad said softly, half sitting, half leaning on the hospital bed.

Belly leaned into him, head pressing against his sternum, his hands came up around her shoulders, bringing her in close.

“He’s not going to remember me,” she whispered. She could feel Conrad shake his head, his hands stroking her hair.

“That's not going to happen” he said it so surely. Like he really believed. Belly didn’t know who or what to believe anymore.

“You said that. You said that could happen” she murmured it against his chest.

“That's the worst case. I don’t think Steven’s is that bad, the doctors said the CT showed no further growth, which means it's not going to get bigger. It's a possibility, but they're confident that that won’t be the case” he whispered against her skull, hands holding her even tighter against him.

“I’m so tired. I want this to be over. For this to never have happened”

“I know”

“I’m worried this will be a night I measure my life by” he didn’t respond, “that everything will be before and after this moment. I’ll never escape it, and I never saw it coming. And now nothing can ever be before it again,” Suddenly the grief she had felt all evening, night, morning, she didn’t even know what time it was, came to the surface.

She clawed at Conrad's chest. She murmured nonsense against his chest. It was stupid, naïve, her mind jumping to conclusions. All she could think of was how much she might be losing. When they were younger, and they fought, her mom would sit them down, tell them that they had each other for the rest of their lives, that they had to love each other. but now maybe they didn't have her whole life, just his, had she done that well enough, loved him well enough? Had he known, as the car hit him, how much she adored him, how much she cared, how much of a gaping wide hole he would leave in her heart, in her life?

“Shh” Conrad tried, “Hey, breathe with me ok? In for 4, hold for 5, out for 4.” he repeated this until her breathing steadied, and she stood, slumped on his chest, him holding most of her weight.

She was so tired. “I love you” was almost on the tip of her tongue. But it shouldn’t have been. So she said the next best thing, or the next stupidest.

“Scent me”

“Belly I- Belly” he trailed off.

“Please” she stared up at him with big eyes, bloodshot, her nose and face flushed from crying.

He relented and it was just like before, and nothing like it. He brought his head down, his scent becoming so intense as his gland neared her. His nose touched her gland, almost missing it, sending a jolt of electricity through her, she started to shake, slightly.

“Hey, it's ok” he whispered, before lowering his mouth all the way down, bringing his tongue across.

It was as if that one action shut out her mind. She could push away the thoughts, the fears of Steven and Brain injuries, and car accidents and death. There was only a bonfire on a dark night, you could see the stars, smell the salt on the breeze, a boy, tall and steady and calm, taking her hand and leading her towards the ocean.

She felt herself go limp in his hold and his mouth came off.

“Woah” he said, laughing a little and steadying her, “You’re ok”. She smiled up at him, and he smiled back, bringing his arms even more tightly around her, kissing her gland a final time.

It was a few minutes before she was able to stand on her own two feet.

“Sorry” she said. He looked down, brow furrowed.

“Why?”

He thought she regretted the scenting, “We just said we were going to get you food and- here we are. Got- got too emotional. You're probably starving”

“I could eat” was all he said in response, but the half smug, half sad smile on his face spoke volumes. He didn't regret it either.

Chapter Text

Conrad had gone to find Belly, mostly so that he would be out of the way while Laurel and John had some time alone with their son. They had turned up at 11am, having travelled from New York and Laurel looked almost as bad as she had the day his mother died. He hated it, seeing her like that. She had always been so strong, so steady, one of the only points of real consistency throughout his life. Watching her break, over the limp, still, unconscious body of her son was too much. So he went to find Belly. He wished he hadn’t. He wished he'd stayed in there.

He found her, outside on the steps by the hospital. With Jeremiah.

He had noticed Jeremiah on the way into the hospital, curled up on a seat in the lobby, looking as small as he’d ever seen him.

“Jeremiah?” he had asked, walking over to him.

“Conrad?” he asked, a similar amount of confusion evident on his face, “What are you doing here?”

“Belly called me, I thought I could be useful, it sounds like the doctors aren’t really explaining anything to them and my boss knows the head neurologist here, so I think we've managed to get him some better care”

Jeremiah clicked his jaw, rolling his eyes. Seriously? Right now? Steven was dying and he was getting annoyed with Conrad for helping?

“Why aren’t you upstairs with them?” Conrad asked.

“Belly and I” he trailed off.

Please say that you’re over, please say that you’re over, he thought to himself

“We’ve just had a fight”

He shouldn’t have got his hopes up.

“I’m sorry about that” Conrad replied, but he thought it didn’t sound overwhelmingly convincing, “I’ll keep you posted on what’s going on ok?” he said, more softly, there, that was better. Something that a good older brother would say.

Jeremiah just nodded, tears flooding into his eyes. Jeremiah had always been larger than life, the most outgoing person he knew, and while Conrad couldn’t say he’d always loved that, he loved Jeremiah and it felt like hell to have him here, small like he was the day their Mom died.

The whole of her treatment, and in her last days, Jere had stayed so strong, laughing and joking with her in a way Conrad couldn’t fathom, how he had stayed himself in the wake of all of it. And then she was dead. And Jeremiah collapsed. He supposed he no longer had someone to stay strong for.

“I don’t want him to die,” Jeremiah whispered. Conrad knelt down next to him, and hugged him, tightly.

“He’s not going to die. It's going to be ok” Conrad whispered back, before pressing a kiss to his hair. He held him until his tears stopped, he got back up, “I’m gonna go upstairs now, but I’ll text you when I know more, ok?”

He should have said that he would come down and tell him. But he had a feeling that he wasn’t going to be able to tear himself away from Belly’s side once he saw her.

He was absolutely right. She was a vision, even with bloodshot eyes and a puffy face. She looked so much better than the last time he’d seen her. She’d put weight back on, her hair shiny as it fell around her shoulders, her skin had regained its colour. She looked amazing.

He took her in his arms, he couldn’t help it, he couldn’t have done anything else. As he did the point in his chest- the bond, flooded with emotion. He couldn’t tell Belly’s from his own, grief, fatigue, anxiety, fear, so much fear. She cried softly, tears bleeding into his shirt, that he could feel hot and heavy on his skin, as if she was seeping into his very being. Holding her felt like relief, like ecstasy, he didn’t know what he had been missing until she was there in front of him, in his arms. The calls, the jumper carrying her scent, were only tiding him over, this was what he needed.

She cried a lot that night, and into the morning, with him, against his chest, with Taylor, with her Mom when she arrived, and then he watched her cry again, with Jeremiah on the steps.

It looked as if they’d made up. Belly was saying yes to something, he couldn’t hear what, and Jeremiah was spinning her round, kissing her, putting his face into her neck, a part of her body that Conrad had unwittingly started thinking of as his. He held his chest, the bond beginning to morph, he could visualise it, a great angry red. It seemed to tear at his chest, changing shape and struggling beneath his skin, constricting his breath.

It felt like it was tearing him in two, and it was really? Wasn’t it? The half that loved belly more than life itself, that flew across the continent to be with her. Then the half that had made promises to his mother as she lay dying. I will always take care of him. The half that loved Jere the only way he knew how, protective, fierce yet calm, love in the wake of anything Jeremiah did or would do.

Maybe loving both of them was letting her go. She got to make her own choices, Jere made her happy. Happier than he could, he supposed. That's what this all meant, and he got to give Belly what she needs and nothing more. Stolen moments in times of need, secret conversations under the cover of night. That's what he was, that’s what they were, nothing more. He sat down, on the floor, outside the hospital. He sat there for a good long while. Eventually he got up, made his way back to the hospital room.

Steven had woken up. He left soon after, feeling that he’d rather outlived his usefulness. Belly was hanging onto Jeremiah, Steven, it turned out, was fine, with only mild concussion-like symptoms. No one needed him there now and as he left he thought he could feel the Belly's eyes on his back as he left, but he probably imagined it.

—--------------------

He went back to cousins. He called Agnes on the way there. Told her everything. The bond, the soulmates, the pain in his chest, his being, changed forever. He told her about Steven and the hospital, and how he had dropped everything to be there.

She listened and when he was done, done talking about the pain and the agony, and the addictive relief of seeing her, she spoke.

“I’m so sorry. It must be tearing you apart”

He had to pull over. He laughed through his tears.

“I thought you’d be telling me not to go to cousins. I thought you’d be talking to me about boundaries and not getting too close”

She laughed in return, "I don't think you can set boundaries with your soul, Conrad”

“No- No your right” he sighed, “But you think it's ok I’m going to cousins? She’s everywhere there, every room, every place I could go I’ve been there with her”

She sighed, long and slow, “I don’t think it matters anymore. She's a part of you, would she be wherever you went?”

—---------------------

He called Dr Namazky later. She understood, but also said she couldn’t keep his position open. He could re-apply next year. She paused at the end, she said, you’re doing the right thing, family is the most important.

Family is the most important.

Those words echoed around his head all through that week. They sounded like his mother. They sounded like home. And they were right. He had promised to protect Jeremiah, and he would, and if that entailed keeping Belly’s head above water, weekly calls, his scent, then he would do it. But he wouldn’t let it mean anything more. He couldn’t.

He decided to stay in Cousins. His job in California was gone, and it would be nice to stay in the house for a while, without the spectre of Belly and Jeremiah’s relationship constantly being shoved in his face. There was work that needed to be done on the house anyway, fixing the AC before summer was in full swing, the roof, the list was really endless.

The phone calls returned. The first to tell him thank you for flying out, for what he did for Steven. The next to ask him how things were going with the house. Then another, and another, almost every night he would hear her voice, closer than they had been in years. He locked away any thoughts about what that meant, crafted his perfect façade of indifference during the day, only to have it crumble every time as he heard,

“Conrad?” on the other end of the line.

They talked for hours, sometimes it felt like they were trying to make up for lost time, trying to get out everything they hadn’t said in the last 4 years and then, it would get late. Belly would start to fall asleep on the line. She would start to say things she would never mention again, and couldn't mention in broad daylight.

“It’s losing your scent”

“I miss you”

“I wish you were here”

And one time,

“I lo- I love” she didn’t finish. Just those two words, echoing in his mind.

“Belly” was all he could say, anything else would be revealing too much.

He hoped that she meant it, and that she didn’t all at the same time. If she meant it, all of those things she said, or half said, then she would begin to feel like someone he could have. Someone who loved him back. She could be his. But it meant he had failed, broken his promise. Betrayed Jeremiah. Having her not love him felt just as bad, it felt hollow and empty. Each call felt like it was chipping away at whatever weak façade he had tried to put up. He hoped that when it broke, as he knew it would. She wouldn’t be there to see it.

One night, one phone call, she asked him, tentatively,

“I know it’s a massive favour, but my Mom and Dad are still pretty busy with Steven, I was wondering if you could help me move my stuff out of my dorm?” He sighed. Trapped in a car, with Belly, for hours. It sounded like paradise, and it sounded like hell.

“Can Jere not help?” he cringed at the words.

“No- he uh- He has some frat thing” she said, clearly irritated, “It’s ok, I’ll see if someone else can”

“No,” he interrupted quickly, “I’ll do it, it’s fine. What day is it? What time?”

He could practically hear her beam, and the bond settled a little, the angry red it had been since the day at the hospital fading, softening.

“Thank you so much Conrad, you’re the best”

He laughed, “It’s no problem”

And so a few days later he drove up to Finch, met her outside her building. When they got to her dorm, he saw that her side of the room was completely empty, just a few things left out on the desk. As he entered, coming to pick up a box, he smelt it, the room smelled just like him. He stopped in his tracks, he hadn’t expected that, how could his jumpers alone have done that? It almost smelled like he lived here.

Belly broke him out of his trance,

“We can take this stuff down in a minute, I just want to say goodbye to someone”

“No worries,” he croaked out. Sitting down on her bed.

Just then, a girl walked in, another omega, who he presumed to be her roommate.

“Hi?” she said.

“Hi- sorry, I’m Conrad, I’m just helping Belly move out” He said, awkwardly. She nodded, moving towards her side of the room.

“I’m Annika” she started packing some things on her desk.

“So” she said, a conspiratorial air to her voice, “You’re the one she’s been calling at night”

He froze, “I-uh, I don’t know what”, dread seeped through him.

She laughed, “It’s ok. Belly doesn’t know I know, she always thinks I'm asleep#2 she paused, “I think it’s a good thing. Belly was so miserable before Christmas” she said turning to face him, “Then she came back and started calling you and she’s been so much happier. Besides, she needed someone after what Jeremiah did”

What did Jeremiah do? Did she mean how he didn’t get her help when she was in touch deprivation? She must have.

Just then, Belly came back through the door, waving goodbye to someone as she went.

“Oh, hey Annika, this is Conrad” she said as she picked up a box, Conrad stood too, taking one of the larger boxes.

“It was nice to meet you,” he said to Annika on the way out.

They started their journey a little late, Belly kept bumping into people, wanting to say goodbye. He didn’t mind, not really. He was beginning to find that he didn’t mind anything Belly did, he would say yes to anything. If it was anyone else, he would have called himself pathetic, but with Belly he just couldn’t bring himself to. What made her happy, made him happy.

As they set off, Belly stretched out and sighed.

“Everything ok?” he said, pulling out of the parking lot.

“Yeah- just tired” she said, smiling at him, “I’ll be glad to be home”

“How often have you been home since the accident”

There was silence.

“Belly-” he started, his tone laced with disappointment. It had been 2 weeks already, and not an easy stretch of time for her, she should have been home at least once, just to make sure she didn’t relapse.

“I know, I know,” she interrupted, “I should have been home. But Stevens’s not really been in any state to help and you know I hate asking my mom for that kind of thing. And besides Jere-” she trailed off.

“Doesn’t like it?” he guessed.

She hummed non-commitally.

“Anyway,” she continued, “I’m here with you now so it's fine.”

A warmth spread through his chest at those words, for a moment he almost thought she felt it too, her hand coming to rest above her sternum. But no. He must have been misinterpreting. She grabbed his phone, connecting to Spotify and started playing his music, 70’s hits mostly. He had a memory, him and Belly on the way to cousins that winter day, her flicking through his music, saying he had the tastes of an old man. He smiled to himself.

“I thought you didn’t like my old man music,” he said, glancing at her.

She giggled, she looked tired, but peaceful, knees against her chest, slumped over by the window.

“It's grown on me,” she said.

They drove for a few more miles before she started shifting uncomfortably, rolling her neck and shoulders.

“You ok?” he asked.

“Yeah just-” she trailed off, “I don’t know, feeling weird, I guess, tired.”

He looked at her, then back at the road. His hand was laying over the centre console. He grabbed hers, intertwining their fingers, their glands touching. She seemed to calm immediately.

His chest settled too. The bond had been- restless- for want of a better word, since seeing her and Jeremiah at the hospital. It stopped now, simmering underneath. It was nice, in these moments, where he could pretend she was his, his girl again.

When they got to Laurel’s house they unloaded all her stuff. The last time he was here was the night of prom. It hadn’t changed, not really. Slightly older pictures in the frames, a new one of his mom on the mantlepiece.

“Stay for dinner,” Laurel said, in a way that left no room for argument, “It’s the least we can do” she clearly felt bad that he’d been roped into driving Belly and her possessions back from college.

He and Belly laid the table, while her mom stood over whatever was cooking on the stove. She then tried to take Steven a tray of food.

“Mom, I can come down for dinner,” he complained.

“No Steven, you’re recovering from a head injury”

Belly just rolled her eyes, maybe this wasn’t the first time they were having this conversation.

“And Conrad's here? Please Mom? I haven’t seen him since the hospital.” That seemed to break her resolve a little, “And he’s a med student, I’m sure he can resuscitate me if I drop dead and die.” Ok, that didn’t seem to help.

“No- no Steven I mean it.” Apparently though, Laurel was not strong enough to keep him in bed, and he came down the stairs waving at him.

“Hey Conrad”

Conrad just laughed, “How are you feeling”

“Yeah, yeah good. Thanks for coming to the hospital by the way, you didn’t need to do that”

“You’re family” he said, with a small smile.

Laurel came down the stairs, looking very disgruntled.

“He’s ok to have dinner downstairs Laurel, it won’t hurt his head” Conrad tried to persuade her.

She just sighed.

It was so- nice. It felt like before, before his mom died. Before everything went to shit. He and Steven joked and Belly rolled her eyes. They all helped clear up, and then it was time for him to leave.

Laurel looked at the time.

“It's too late Conrad, you can sleep in the spare room, leave in the morning. If you leave now, you won’t get to Cousins until after midnight.”

He tried to protest, he had little desire to sleep in the spare room, the last place he and Belly had truly been together but Laurel wasn’t having any of it.

“Besides, we never get to see you now that you’re out in California. It would be nice to see you for a bit longer” he couldn't decide if it was those words, or the look on her face that finally broke his resolve. It was a mother’s look, concern and worry and leaving no room for an argument, no one looked at him like that anymore. He would just have to suffer through sleeping in there, try not to think about him and Belly, and what they would never have again.

Belly and Steven went, or in Steven’s case was sent, back to their rooms. He and Laurel sat up talking, about her book, the things she kept having to do for her publisher, everyone’s reaction to her story of death and love and grief. They spoke about his life in California, she didn’t ask if he had a girlfriend there. They both know the answer to that, she had had to watch him all dinner, trying to keep his eyes off of Belly. But she didn’t ask about that either. He didn’t know what he would have said if she had.

—-----------------

Then he lay in bed, he couldn’t get the images out of his head. Images of her coming into this room, years and years ago. The promises he made. That he didn’t keep. The trust in her eyes. When she still looked at him like he was something worth looking at, when he still believed that maybe he was.

And them. Together. Lips and skin and teeth, infinity. That's what the memory was, not like a videotape, played from start to finish, painful, but eventually over. It was patchy, flashes of feeling and images and sensation here and there, playing on forever. Soft skin and lips, a laugh, a sigh. Painfully, horribly forever. There was no end to it. There never would be.

His chest hurt, aching, deeply, constantly, as it had since he’d first scented her at Christmas. This was his forever, this was his infinity. Being torn apart at the seams for the sake of love and promises. And still, he didn’t wish that it had never happened. He didn’t wish to lose it. Having this part of her, however small, however secret, however private, was so much greater than having none of her at all. This part, no one could touch, or taint, or ruin, not even himself. It would always be his.

The tears started rolling down his cheeks, hot and burning, his body wracking with silent sobs. He sat on the edge of the bed, trying to contain it all, trying to push it back in. It wouldn't go back in, all this feeling, all this emotion, brought back by one dinner, one room, a single moment in time.

He didn’t remember her knocking, but suddenly she was in front of him, standing between his legs. As beautiful as she had been that night. Pulling him close to her, her arms around him. He tried to speak, he tried to say something. She leant down.

“It’s ok, it’s ok” she repeated. She kissed his forehead. She didn’t ask what was wrong, maybe she knew or maybe she just knew she couldn’t. Not now, when he’d stopped lying to her. Not when he felt that everything was out, wide in the open.

“Let me help,” she whispered instead. She leant down, close to his neck. Her nose touched his gland, ever so slightly, he groaned, electricity shooting up and down his spine, through his mind. He didn’t try to stop her, didn’t try to push her away, not here, in this room that to him was theirs. And he’d stopped lying hadn’t he? Wasn’t pushing her away just as much of a lie?

Her tongue brushed his gland, and he broke apart. Everything spilled out, or he thought it did, through the bond. His grief and his loss. His stupid teenage anger. Regret. Pain.

And then, it was gone, and all that was left was Belly, Belly and his love for her, it was like he was in Cousins again, the height of summer, the middle of the day, surrounded by flowers and fragrance, and belly, whose skin tasted like salt and sweetness and some intangible childhood happiness he’d lost along the way.

Suddenly he pulled her into his lap, his mouth was on her gland, his lips and his teeth, kissing up her neck. The only thing missing was the infinity necklace resting on her collarbones.

She murmured, “Please, please, please, please”

And he, “I’m sorry, forgive me, I’m sorry, forgive me”

Everything slowed, until it was just his nose against her gland, hers against his. Her weight felt so good in his arms, impossibly permanent, for something he knew was only fleeting. She fell asleep like that, legs splayed over his lap.

He carried her back to his room. Her legs wrapped around his waist and her head on his shoulder. He laid her down in her bed. He sat there for a minute while she settled, stroking her hair out of her face. He kissed her forehead and left. Outside, in the hall, Steven stood outside his door. He didn’t say anything. Neither did Conrad. He looked at Conrad’s tired eyes and tearstained face.

He looked at him like he finally understood something, he gave him a small half smile and turned, going back into his room.

Conrad was so gone for her. Everyone knew it.

Chapter Text

The engagement wasn’t exactly everything Belly had imagined, but now, arriving at Susannah's dedication with Jeremiah, she couldn’t imagine a better one. When she needed him Jeremiah was there, he had waited all night, down in the hospital lobby, you didn’t do that unless you loved someone more than anything. She couldn’t be happier. She had a fiance, a ring, and an august wedding, it was everything she had ever dreamed of.

She tripped slightly in her heels, but Jeremiah caught her. She looked up at him, catching his lips in a kiss. He was perfect. She couldn’t help herself though from looking out for someone in the crowd. She saw his face first, over the top of a rose bush. His face alone sent a jolt of electricity up her spine. Then the rest of him, a freshly pressed grey suit, a dark tie and shined shoes and smiling at her, raising his hand slightly.

“Conrad!” Jeremiah called.

He came walking over, hugged by Laurel and his Dad and Steven, and finally her. It was short and quick, but soothed something in her chest. His wrists dragged along the back of her dress as he pulled away. She looked up at Jeremiah, he frowned. Soon after, they took their seats, Belly sitting next to her Mom and Jeremiah.

Conrad and Jeremiah delivered their speech, a perfect reflection of their mother, in a place that she would have been proud to call hers, in her favourite place in the world. They spoke of her work, her passion, her love and thoughtfulness, of the gaping hole she left in everyone's lives when she died. She couldn’t have imagined a better service in her honor.

They arrived at the restaurant, everyone was friendly, but quiet. Remembering Susannah. Her Mom was paying and Adam and Jeremiah ordered one of the most expensive items on the menu. Sometimes, she wished Jeremiah would just think, try to be less like his dad. She got the tomato soup to compensate.

Drinks were served first, Adam taking over the toast from her Mom, focussing it eventually on Conrad, whose face turned pink with embarrassment. Her Mom- not wanting to be outdone by Adam then focused on her, then Steven, she clutched Jeremah’s hand as Adam came to him. He joked about him being a super senior and 20k in debt. He squeezed her hand, she could feel his embarrassment, how much he felt like a failure. Before she could stop herself she found herself saying.

“Actually Jeremiah and I are engaged”

Silence. Then,

“Are you pregnant?”

“God Mom, no we’re just in love and we want to be together” she replied, rolling her eyes.

“Well if you’re not pregnant, then it’s not happening”

“Yes it is” piped up Jeremiah

“Look” Belly, scrambled in her purse for her ring, slipping it onto her finger and showing it to the table.

“You’ve got to be kidding me” said Steven, “Did you know about this?” he said, turning to Conrad.

Conrad was white, looked like he’d about to faint. All of a sudden Belly got a sharp pain in her chest, right on her sternum. She placed her hand over it, wincing slightly as noise erupted around them, Adam almost shouting at Jeremiah,

“What money? You don’t even have a job!”

Her Mom shouting at her,
“You’re too young, you don’t know what you’re doing. If you want to be together, move in or adopt a cat for God’s sake.”

Then the food arrived, but they were leaving. Jeremiah was dragging her out of the restaurant.

“That was the hard part, he was saying. Now we just have to convince them, easy ok?” He took her in his arms and kissed her.

Everyone was coming out of the restaurant now,

“Less making out more grovelling please,” said Steven as he passed, grabbing her shoulder and steering her towards the car.

She didn’t put up a fuss, the pain in her chest was worsening gradually, she shut her eyes, she was probably just overwhelmed.

She saw Conrad come up and say something to Steven gripping his shoulder and walking off, not looking in her direction. Steven looked panicked then. Her Mom came out of the restaurant, Steven said something before running after Conrad. Belly started to feel light headed, it was the stress. She was sure. Her Mom got in the car, she didn’t say anything, just sat there, silent, disapproving, twenty minutes turned to half an hour and Steven returned. He didn’t say anything, just got in and away they drove.

—---------------------

Conrad was able to hold it together until he got to the beach. He left his patent leather shoes behind at the dunes, and walked forward, almost to the line where the sea reached the sand. His chest burned, like someone had stuck a hot poker down his throat. The bond was so red, so angry and shuddering beneath his skin. He clinched at his collar, undoing the top button, anything to help him breathe.

She was marrying him? Marrying him?

He tried his breathing exercises, they weren’t working? How could they? He was losing her now, forever. This was it. His soulmate, the one person actually proven to be perfect for him, and he, perfect for her, and all he got was 6 short months, while his mother was left dying? He loved her, he wanted her, he needed her. He would give her anything, anything she asked, his life if she wanted. But she didn't want his life, she wanted Jeremiah’s. To be lived with her forever.

She was only 20, she couldn’t, he hadn’t thought. He knew, he knew that one day he would have to watch her marry someone else, but not for years, he had time to prepare himself. But now, she stood there, with the tiniest ring he's ever seen, next to his brother, 20k in debt, fraternity, super senior. He loved him, but he was a mess. Marrying? Right now? To anyone, let alone Belly, who deserved the moon and stars, not a rushed, cheap, wedding.

Maybe he couldn’t give her anything. He couldn’t give this to her, his brother, who he was now realising, hadn’t deserved her from the moment he clapped eyes on her. He never knew what she wanted, what she needed.

He remembered the day he found her, Jeremiah pulling her out of the cupboard under the stairs, struggling, screaming. He had known what she needed, tenderness, safety, love. Jeremiah had pestered her with questions, he hadn’t got a god damn clue about her. But Conrad did, always. Even when he was 19 and stupid and hurting her, he always knew.

Steven sat down next to him, suit jacket gone.

“How are you”

The words opened some kind of floodgate within him. Tears running down his cheeks, streams, rivers of them. Unstoppable. His chest pain deepened, running down his sternum and into his ribs. Steven looked at him, concerned, as Conrad gripped his chest.

“Woah, woah” he said, wrapping his arms around Conrad’s shoulders, “It’s ok, you’re gonna be alright”

“She’s marrying him” he just about managed to get the words out.

“Yeah,” Steven sighed. “Look, I-, I’m not sure what's going on between you and Belly, but i know there hasn’t been a single time in the last 5 months where I’ve seen her and she didn’t smell like you”

Somehow that didn’t help. She was his, smelled of him, let him scent her, let him talk her to sleep on each and every phone call. She was still choosing someone else. It was stupid, he had known, known that her and Jeremiah were serious and weren’t breaking up, but he couldn’t stop, just had to keep charging ahead. More tears came, silently. He wasn’t even sobbing, just staring out at the ocean, no movement.

Steven was quiet for a long time, his arm still wrapped around Conrad’s shoulders.

“You’re gonna get through this” he said finally, “Just like you’ve got through everything else. You came out stronger for it, better”

“I think this is going to break me” He said softly. Steven couldn’t stay much longer. They needed to get back. So he left him on the beach, staring out to sea. He sat there for hours. Holding the bond, it was less angry now, much less, it thrummed softly. It was dark, almost black, the colour of the water stretching out before him.

Chapter Text

Conrad had come in late last night. He had driven around for a while, blasting music. Trying desperately to not think. He wanted his mind to switch off, to just let him go about his business, eat, work, sleep, comprehend nothing. Have to feel nothing.

He fell into bed only once he was so tired that he wouldn’t be able to stay awake any longer. He couldn’t fathom lying there, for hours, waiting for sleep to come while he thought about Belly and Jeremiah. Their wedding.

It was loud voices downstairs that woke him up. He scrambled out of bed, down the corridor and to the top of the stairs. It was Belly and Jeremiah. God damn it. He thought he would have at least a day before he had to see them again. A day where he could at least pretend to build up a façade of indifference, that he didn’t want Belly, and that he didn’t want to punch his brother.

"It wouldn't hurt to wait a little, Jere." Belly was saying

"Why? We know we want to get married, why not now?" he replied, clearly pissed off.

"Because I want my mom to be there? because I'll need time to convince her?"

So Laurel had put her foot down then. Conrad thought she probably would.

"You're marrying me, not your Mom belly. If you really loved me you wouldn't want to wait." Bastard. She was 20, and her mother was apparently refusing to attend the wedding, it made sense that she would want to wait. He came down the stairs then, loudly, so they'd be aware of his presence, effectively ending their argument before either one said something they would regret.

"Hi Conrad" Jeremiah groaned as he came into the room.

"Everything ok?" he ventured

"Um" Belly sighed, hand to her forehead. She looked lost, staring around the room as if she'd never been here, "I might need to stay here for a while, if that's ok?"

He’d only seen her yesterday, but seeing her again still flooded the bond with relief.

"Yeah, yeah, of course, you know you're always welcome here" he held her gaze, smiling softly.

"Well I have to go,” Jeremiah sighed,

"Yeah, thank you for coming to get me Jere"

"I'll be there this weekend ok? We can start planning, yeah?"

"Yeah, that sounds good" Belly didn't meet Jeremiah's eyes.

They kept out of each other's way that first day. Conrad outside of the house, fixing the fences at the bottom of the garden and Belly in her room, thinking, or wedding planning or whatever else she felt she needed to do. He could deal with this, he could pretend that he didn’t care, if this was all that their days would entail.

But then, she crept into his room that night, a small knock on the door. She got into bed with him, not touching yet.

"How much did you hear this morning?" She asked, fiddling with a loose thread on his sheets.

"Hear of what"

She raised her eyebrows, "So everything then?"

He didn't reply

"You think it's a terrible idea,"

He paused, he sighed. Yes I do. He wanted to say. She was sitting in his bed, his hoodie, he realised as he took a closer look at her, smelling like him and asking him if she should marry a man who had let herself go into such severe touch deprivation that she'd been hospitalised. And she was his soulmate. He had to respect her decision, to not be with him, but she must know that a part of her would always be his, that unless they severed the bond, she would have no control over that.

"It's your life Belly, and your decision. People can tell you that you're not ready but" he paused, "Only you and Jere know if you're ready at the end of the day. Having said that, Jere should be listening to you if you say you want to wait and if he's not then I think we both know what that says"

That was good. Not endorsing it, but saying he'd support her either way. He would be here. Loving her. Giving her what she needed.

She hummed quietly. Thinking things over. Through the conversation they had drifted closer to each other, she finally adjusted, laying almost on top of him, her legs thrown over his and her arm over chest.

"My Mom said she won't come" she dug her face into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I- that must be so hard"

She shrugged.

"Yeah. She didn't kick me out though. I left”

He nodded.

Her scent had soured slightly.

He didn't wait for her to ask this time, he knew, from her scent, through the bond, through the way she edged closer to his neck. He leaned down, lips brushing her gland. Her eyes scrunched, a gasp pulled from her lips. He swiped his tongue over it, covering it with his scent as hers began to surround him, in his nose and mouth, almost blossoming from inside him.

He pulled her up and she stared at him for a moment before turning her head to the side and scenting him. Her tongue across his gland, kissing and biting. Jasmine and vanilla and something else, something of him…woodsmoke and cedar. As if he'd managed to put his scent inside her very pores.

She was his, his soulmate, his girl. It had never been anyone else. He kissed up her neck stopping by her ear.

The only sound that filled the room was their heavy breathing, the last kisses she left on his gland. And then,

"I missed you"

The words came out. The ones she had spoken so often in that sleepy silence on the phone, or in his arms. But this time he said it first.

They had always been honest, hadn't they? When they were truly alone, together like this and free of other people and expectations. When they got to be just them. When they didn't owe anything to anyone but each other.

She slid back down, coming to test on his chest, hearing his heartbeat through his shirt.

"I missed you too"

He didn't take her back to her bed that night. There was no one there to catch them, no one there to see. He let her sleep all night on his chest, safe and warm. Conrad hadn't felt this content in months. Something had always been on edge, something not right, but here, in his bed, in her favourite place, he felt perfectly content.

They woke quietly the next morning. Belly blinked up at him, a sleepy smile on her face, neither of them said anything. Conrad just leaned down, kissing her forehead and the crown of her head before getting up, leaving her to get dressed. He made them breakfast, cereal and banana and yogurt, though he could tell she'd wanted something unhealthier as she picked off the pieces of banana.

They spent the day together, reading, working, she tagged along to the hardware store with him, making fun of his music taste and newly developed DIY skills. After lunch he started fixing the roof while she swam, back and forth, her hair flowing out behind her. She looked peaceful, quiet. They ate dinner together, cooking and cleaning up, drinking whatever cheap wine they had lying around. Laughing.

It felt so good, being with her, without having to pretend it was less or more than what it was. Dragging his wrist across her back whenever he could. This is what their life could be like together, so happy, peaceful, relaxed. Knowing what the other needed.

But that thought automatically led to another, that this couldn't be their life, she had another one waiting for her, with Jeremiah. She was getting married. And there was nothing he could do to stop that.

Her ring would catch his eye sometimes, tiny on her finger. The sun would catch it, or it would seem to appear from nowhere as she brushed her hair out of her face, and then the pain came back. Deep and searing, seeing in front of him what he would never have again, and seeing what he was stupid enough to give up.

She came into his room again that night, immediately slipping beneath the covers and resting on his chest. They sat in silence for a while before she spoke.

"He asked me to marry him outside the hospital. Steven hadn't woken up yet. We didn't know if he was going to be ok"

"Was that why you said yes?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe. Does it matter?"

He didn't know what to say. Did it matter if she was going to marry him anyway? It mattered to him. And he was going to tell the truth. He'd never lied to her, not like this.

"It matters to me"

She sighed.

"I didn't want to lose any more than I had to"

"I understand"

He had asked her to marry him while her brother lay comatose in a hospital bed? Of course she said yes, what else could she have done, lose her boyfriend and her brother on the same day, the same night, of course not. And now, she couldn’t back out, not without losing him entirely. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right, how could Jere have put her in that position, and continued each day to put her in that position?

She looked up at him. He didn't need her to ask, he leant down, nose brushing her gland, she shut her eyes and sighed. The bond rushed with the feeling of relief.

He swiped his tongue across it, pulling a gasp from her throat. Like this, she was his. She could ask anything of him, and he would comply. But there was a pull, down in his stomach, she wasn't really. She still wore the ring, even when they were together like this. Was this all she saw it as? Meeting her needs? Did she not have this burning something beneath her chest? That changed and fluctuated, felt so ethereal yet so human, so...Belly.

Her words from earlier rang back in his ears. Does it matter? No. No it doesn't. He would give her whatever she wanted, no matter what the answer was.

"Do you promise?" She said sleepily.

She was now resting on his chest, face squished and hair laid messily around her.

"Promise what?"

"To always pick up" she looked up at him now, eyes round and large and pleading.

"I already did, didn't I?"

"No, you just said, that's not a promise"

"Then I promise" he said, "I would have promised at the time"

"I know. But I wanted to hear you say it. You'll pick up, no matter what"

"No matter what. I'll always be here for you"

He kissed her forehead. She fell asleep but he stayed up, he couldn't sleep. Not when he didn't know if he would ever get a night like this again. Not when he knew he was about to spend the rest of his life yearning for this moment, for this feeling. When he got to be with her like this he could almost be glad to do it, a lifetime of empty yearning couldn’t compare to this.

------------------

He was preparing to leave the next day, he needed more tools and more materials to fix the AC, which, while working, was not being terribly efficient.

Just as he grabbed his keys he heard behind him,

"Oh, are you leaving? I was going to ask to borrow the car"

"Yeah I'm just going now, I can grab what you need"

"No, I need to stop in at a few places for the wedding, could I come with you?"

Say no. Say no. You can't cope with wedding shopping.

"Uh-" he paused and her face fell, "of course, that's no issue"

"Are you sure, I don't mind taking my bike?"

"No, it's fine. It'll be nice to have company"

The cake store was their first stop. He hung around behind, looking at the display cases as she asked for what they wanted. He didn't want to know, didn't want to have to visualize Belly, lovely and perfect, walking towards someone else. He didn't need a clearer image in his mind of everything that hellish day.

Belly was buying something and walking out.

"Got everything you needed?" He asked as they entered the car.

"Maybe" she said, "I have to try these and decide what cacao I want, 60% or 70%"

"Right"

She tried them.

"So what's the verdict?"

"I can't tell the difference", her eyes began to well with tears.

"Well, that's ok then, you can just tell them either and it won't matter" he tried.

"It's also $750" she said.

"Fuck" he paused, "that's a lot of money for a cake"

"Yeah. Two layers, cacao, raspberry coulis and mirror glaze. That's what Jeremiah wants."

Fuck Jeremiah, "well, what do you want"

"I don't know. I don't even know what cacao is,"

"Ok- then what about milk chocolate, one layer and keep the raspberry coulis? That has to cost less right?"

"Yeah" she sniffed, "yeah that might work"

It felt good, helping solve her problems, even if it left a burnt taste in his mouth and a shallow empty feeling inside him.

Just then Jeremiah rang.

"Hey Bells, how's the wedding shopping going?"

"Uh- yeah it's going ok, I've just been to the bakery" she said hesitantly.

"So are we all good on the cake?"

"Well maybe. We'll be able to get it from the bakery you want, but we might have to adjust the cake- how does one layer, milk chocolate instead of cacao and keeping the raspberry sound?"

Conrad shot her a thumbs up.

"Belly..." There was a pause, her face fell, "cacao is the bean, it's what chocolate is made of. The entire cake rests on the sweet tartness of the raspberry complimenting the bitterness of the cacao. You said we each got one thing, the cake is my one thing"

"Yeah it's just going to cost $750"

"Well, we’ll put it on a card and pay it off"

She didn't say anything.

"Well I have to go now, but I'll see you on Friday night ok?"

"Yeah, bye, lo-"

She was cut off. They sat there for several seconds, in silence. He was going to go into credit card debt? Over a cake? It was ludicrous. That bitter feeling welled up inside him. What had Jeremiah ever done to deserve her. Except run her into the ground and apparently wrack up credit card debt.

When she crawled into bed with him that night he asked,

"What's your one thing?"

She didn't have an answer, so he just kissed her, the top of her head, her cheek, nowhere else, even in their strange limbo of soulmates and scenting and need, he knew that she wouldn’t allow him to be with her like that.

The phone call came a few days later. It was loud, there was shouting, both from Belly and from Laurel on the other end of the line, he tried not to listen. He'd never heard belly shout like that, or plead, begging her Mom to reconsider. She wanted her Mom at her wedding, he couldn't fault her for that.

When he came through from the garden she was face down on the sofa, sobbing. She looked small and young and lost, and when he put his hand on her shoulder she threw herself into his arms.

He sat on the sofa, her half in his lap, sobbing into his shoulder.

"She- she still isn't coming, she doesn't care"

He didn't know what to say. He told the truth.

"She loves you"

"Does she?"

"Yes- she's just scared,"

That made her sob harder, they thundered through her body, leaving her shaking.

"If she's scared, then what am I?"

Her sobbing quietened then. But he could feel the unease, the betrayal and more than anything, the fear through the bond. It seemed to seep everywhere, anxiety leeching into his limbs. He nosed at her shoulder. Not quite scenting, but almost, comforting her. He could feel it retract slightly, like the tide going out. The anxiety ebbing and flowing but in time, retreating and a wave of comfort seemed to wash over them.

"I'll always be here, no matter what. I'll always pick up, remember?" he whispered, his face coming to rest in her neck. He inhaled her scent, letting it wash over him. She took a big shaking breath.

"What's going on"

They both looked up, Jeremiah stood in front of them, bags dropping to the floor, Belly stood, shuffling towards him.

"I had a call with my Mom" he could hear her start to cry again, "it was pretty bad, she's still not coming"

Jeremiah wrapped his arms around her,

"I'm so sorry"

Jeremiah kept talking at her, saying stupid words that meant nothing, niceties that were doing nothing to quell her sobbing or her anxiety. It was extending again, the anxiety reaching his fingers. He couldn't listen to more of this, watching his pitiful attempt to comfort her, he stalked into the kitchen, busying himself with the washing up by the sink.

Jeremiah followed him into the kitchen soon after.

"What was that?" He asked, furious.

"What was what?" Conrad asked, disinterested.

"You and Belly on the sofa?"

"She was crying, she told you, her Mom isn't coming to the wedding"

"You can comfort her without having to be all over her"

Conrad just chucked, and continued his work, "You don't understand"

"No, I do understand. You need to get it into your head that she's marrying me and not you. Stay away from her." Jeremiah said, the vein on his forehead beginning to bulge.

"Well that would be tricky"

"Why exactly would that be tricky"

"Well let's put it this way, I had to take her to hospital over Christmas because of touch deprivation and she's not seen Steven or her Mom in over a week" it took a moment for Jeremiah to realize what he meant.

"She's been going to you for that?"

"Who did you think she'd been going to? The postman?"

"I- I didn't. I didn't think"

"That's the problem Jere," he sighed, "You don't think about this stuff. It's not even that you don't understand, you just don't even try to remember that she has needs different to yours. If it keeps going like this you're going to run her into the ground"

With that, he walked out, leaving Jeremiah cursing angrily behind him, it had started to rain, the cool drops soaking through his T-shirt, cooling his skin. He walked past the pool and the fence, all the way down to the dunes, where he sat, watching the sunset, dulled by the expanse of grey sky overhead.

It was dusk by the time she joined him, she wore a raincoat, from several years ago by the look of it, it was bright purple, with a pink zip, it made him smile as she came towards him.

She held a raincoat for him too, it wouldn't make much difference now, but he put it on anyway, for her. It was the one she'd worn, that day she'd hid in the cupboard under the stairs for her heat, it still carried his scent, it smelled younger, rougher, sweeter. She sat down close to him, her head resting on his shoulder.

"I heard you and Jeremiah arguing"

"Yeah, sorry, I- I should have backed off"

"No, it's ok. He doesn't really think about- he doesn't really understand all of that stuff sometimes"

"What the fact that you almost died?" He sighed, "Sorry I didn't mean that. I know it's hard for him and that he's not trying to hurt you"

She didn't respond.

"I remember this coat," he said, not looking at her, "When I found you in that fake heat when you were like 15. Jeremiah was pulling at you and asking you all these questions and you looked so confused"

"Was that what happened?" She asked, "I just remember someone pulling me out of the cupboard and asking me things and then I remember you" she trailed off.

"I remember just hugging you, being so scared" he said smiling down at her, "I didn't want to do the wrong thing and Mom and Laurel had left me in charge. I was never sure if I should have just left you alone."

"No I- I remember you hugging me, I knew it was you, you're scent it- it was the first time I ever really felt safe" she said, looking right back at him. He was the first to break eye contact, looking back out to sea. It was dark, black waves crashing on the beach before them, only the occasional star visible through the thick cloud.

"You did the right thing," she said finally.

"Do you mean that"

"Of course"

He paused.

"Do you mean- do you mean what you say at night?" He still couldn't look at her.

She hesitated. The first time either of them had addressed it, if not in broad daylight then while they were both cognizant.

"I- I don't"

"Belly..."

"Always. I always mean it" She wasn't looking at him, "Do you?"

"Always."

He intertwined their hands, glands touching, skin sparking at the slightest contact, and pressed a singular kiss to her gland. They sat out there for a while longer, basking in each other's company and when she was ready he followed her into her room, laying with her as she fell asleep.

"Please please please please" he whispered into her scalp, one hand coming up to stroke her hair and one intertwined with her own.

She made a noise of confusion.

"Don't marry him"

Silence and then,

"I won't"