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Jean had never been one to care about holidays.
It didn’t matter which one. They had never mattered with the Ravens, had never mattered much during his childhood, and so he did not have that life-long nurtured fondness that so many of his teammates seemed to have.
Some holidays were easier to tolerate than others only because the purpose of them made at least a little sense. If they were tied to religion or family, then Jean could see how someone who had those things could feel connected enough to celebrate.
But Halloween? Jean was quickly coming to the conclusion that it was a holiday that had to be experienced as a kid for it to be relevant in adulthood. If the purpose was there, somewhere, Jean was not seeing it.
He did his best to pay attention, to try to decipher this mystery that came with the changing leaves. But maybe some things could not be understood unless they were experienced.
Jean was in the kitchen, sitting on a stool beside Jeremy with Cat standing at the counter across from them. She was making pumpkin muffins because apparently a big part of the holiday was eating everything in that flavor.
Cat was going on and on about all the Halloween festivities she was planning. The list was so long, Jean couldn’t imagine her ever being able to do it all.
She was just finishing describing a game she wanted to play at the alleged Halloween party that would be happening at their house later that month, and apparently, Jean wasn’t hiding his displeasure like he thought he was.
She pointed an accusatory whisk at him. “It’s my favorite holiday, Jean. You can’t wrinkle your nose at everything I say.” She put the whisk back in the bowl before the batter could drip onto the counter, but her slightly pouting expression stayed.
“Hey, cut him some slack,” Laila said, coming into the kitchen and wrapping her arms around Cat. “This is new to him.”
With the girls momentarily distracted with each other, Jean leaned toward Jeremy. “I’m trying,” he said quietly. He was trying to be open to these ideas, trying to fit in with this family he never thought he could have. But it was hard. The unfamiliar was hard.
“I know,” Jeremy acknowledged, giving his hand a squeeze. Then he turned back to the girls. “Hey, aren’t you and Laila going on a trip this weekend?”
“Mm hm.”
“Perfect.”
Cat poked his shoulder. “Why? You want us gone that badly?”
“No, of course not. I just figured I’d have the weekend to train Jean on all things Halloween. That way, when you’re back, he won’t rain on your parade as much. No offense,” he added to Jean, who only scowled and looked away.
Cat grinned. “Jeremy, I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had.”
“Thank you, I think?”
“You sure you don’t want help with that task?” Laila asked. “That’s kind of a big undertaking.”
“I’m sure,” Jeremy said. “I’ll be able to ease him into it, and then you can do the rest later.”
“You are acting as if I agreed to this,” Jean said.
“Family decision,” Cat said. “You’re outnumbered.”
Family.
If she hadn’t used that word, maybe it would have been easier to reject.
“I will do it if I must,” Jean conceded. He had a feeling he was going to regret that decision, but then again, the smile on Jeremy’s face had his heart feeling otherwise.
.
.
It was the first time they had the house to themselves for that long. It could have been a relaxing weekend where they sat next to each other on the couch and watched Exy games and stayed in their comfort zone.
But there was a little too much excitement on Jeremy’s face for that to be their reality.
“Ready for your first Halloween drill?” Jeremy asked with a smile.
Jean made a face. “What?”
“You know, like Raven drills? Halloween drills?”
“You cannot just put a word in front of ‘drills’ and think that I will be interested. I am not Kevin.”
“Okay, think of it as a date then. A weekend of cute and spooky dates.”
Warmth crept into Jean’s face at that, but he was quick to compose himself.
“I am not supposed to dread dates,” he said, looking away. “They will be drills, and I will hate them.”
“We’ll see,” Jeremy said. If Jean truly hated them, then of course they would just be done. But Jeremy had hope that Jean would enjoy himself, at least a little bit.
“Okay, so Cat and Laila helped get some things around. Just give me two seconds to set it up outside, alright? No peeking.”
“You are mistaken if you think I am excited enough to peek.”
“Well, no peeking out of suspicion, either.”
Jean sighed. “I am never suspicious of you, Jeremy. Just go. You are only making this take longer.”
“Right.”
Jeremy was obviously excited, which meant Jean would feel worse when he inevitably disappointed Jeremy with his disinterest in whatever he was doing out there.
Jean had never celebrated Halloween before, never participated in autumn activities at all. Never had a reason to.
A part of him softened as Jeremy finally came back inside. Jeremy was the only reason that Jean was agreeing to this. If it would make Jeremy happy, then Jean would do almost anything.
“Okay, it’s all set up. Now close your eyes.”
“I really think you are overdoing this.”
“Come on, Jean, it’s the first drill. Let me hype it up.”
Jean sighed, closing his eyes. He let Jeremy lead him out the back door and into the yard.
When Jean got the cue to open them, Jeremy was standing in front of him holding a pumpkin above his head. Biceps flexing, shirt pulling up to reveal the skin below his belly button. Jean blushed immediately, but he was quickly distracted for a different reason when Jeremy spoke.
“Pumpkin carving!” Jeremy exclaimed.
Jean flinched.
“Oh,” Jeremy said, slowly lowering his arms at that reaction. “Do you not like pumpkins?”
Jean huffed, looking away. “Pumpkins do not matter. It is the other word I do not like.”
It was a word that brought him back to the Nest and every horrible thing that came with it. He shook his head, trying to block out his own thoughts while letting Jeremy know he didn’t want to talk about it. Instead, he turned his attention to everything else Jeremy had brought outside.
A plastic tablecloth was laid out on the ground, purple with spider web designs on it. There was a second pumpkin along with an empty bowl and little knives with orange handles. They didn’t look particularly sharp, something a kid could handle with supervision. Jean had used much sharper knives in the kitchen, but he had never used them in association with that word.
Jeremy was turned away from him, presumably taking a moment to pull himself together. When he turned back to face Jean, he had a purposeful smile on his face, one that was hiding his desire to somehow undo every bad thing that had ever happened to Jean.
“Let’s call it pumpkin designing, then,” Jeremy said. “You know, designing faces and then putting a candle inside? So the face lights up in the dark? They’re called jack-o'-lanterns.”
Jean crossed his arms. “Ridiculous. What purpose does that have?”
“Fun? Creative expression?”
Jean mumbled something in French, but he sat down on the tablecloth anyway. Jeremy sat down across from him, legs crossed.
“I’ll have to take you to an actual pumpkin patch sometime,” Jeremy said, moving one of the pumpkins in front of Jean. “These were just at the supermarket. But I figured we’d ease into it, right?”
Jean looked down at the orange thing in front of him and said nothing. Jeremy didn’t mind, though. He was carefully cutting a circle out of his for the lid.
“Do you want to try?” Jeremy asked.
“No.”
“That’s okay. You can do this part, then.”
Jeremy set the pumpkin in front of Jean while he got to work cutting a lid for the other one.
Jean looked inside the pumpkin and immediately wrinkled his nose.
“I will not do that part either.”
Jeremy laughed. “You made that same face in pottery class the first time you saw clay, but then it was fine. Maybe this will be the same.”
Jeremy didn’t pressure him though, just started taking the insides out of his own pumpkin and plopping them into the bowl.
It was disgusting. But Jeremy was putting in a lot of effort to do this for Jean, and Jean knew he should do the same. But the moment he reached his hand forward, making contact with cold sliminess, his resolve to push through was gone.
“There must be something to scoop it out with. You cannot expect me to use my bare hands.”
It was an indirect refusal if Jeremy let it be, but of course he had a solution. “Oh, actually, I think Cat and Laila have pumpkin scoop things. I’ll be right back.”
He returned a moment later with orange scoops for Jean to use. Although a little bit of pumpkin still got on Jean’s hands, it was much more bearable having a piece of plastic as a shield.
And it actually was a little satisfying, cleaning out the pumpkin. And it was satisfying watching Jeremy work, his tongue sticking out slightly in concentration, the cool autumn breeze blowing through his hair, forearm flexing as he used the knife.
It was interesting, seeing a knife used in that way. Not for pain, not in a kitchen, but for fun. It wasn’t surprising, though. Anything held in Jeremy’s careful hands would always be good.
“Do you know what face you want yours to have?” Jeremy asked. “If you don’t want to do it, you can just tell me, and I’ll do whatever you say.”
“I have no opinion on the matter.”
“You sure? You wouldn’t mind if I gave yours heart eyes, then?”
“Do what you want.”
So Jeremy did, and when he was finished, he turned both pumpkins toward Jean proudly.
“What do you think?”
“They are both smiling,” Jean observed.
Jeremy patted the pumpkins, smiling, too. “Yeah. I like them like that.”
“I thought they were supposed to be scary.”
“Nah, they don’t have to be. But hey, if we do this again with Cat and Laila, you can make yours as scary as you want.”
Again.
Jean almost forgot this wasn’t just a one time thing. This was training for the real deal of doing all this again with two people who were more enthusiastic about Halloween than Jeremy was.
Jean sighed.
“You good?” Jeremy asked.
Jean waved off his concern. “What is next?”
Jeremy grinned. “You’re an eager student, aren’t you?”
“Eager is not the word for it.”
“Well, whatever the word is, the next drill is inside. We can clean this up later. Come on.” Jeremy got to his feet and held out his hand to help Jean up, but Jean didn’t take it.
“I am not touching you until you wash your hands,” Jean said, standing up on his own. “No offense.”
“None taken,” Jeremy said with an easy grin. “Though, I can’t promise you that the soap isn’t pumpkin-scented.”
Jean made a face, and Jeremy just laughed. “Just kidding. It’s apple or something, right?”
“You are making me think you do not wash your hands very often.”
“I do. Promise. I just don’t memorize soap scents like you apparently do.”
“I do not,” Jean said, following him into the house.
The temperature was nice enough outside that all the windows were open. It was the same crisp air inside with the added smell of clean laundry. It was the smell of home.
“Okay, drill number two,” Jeremy said, rubbing his hands together. “I won’t make you close your eyes this time. Unless you want to.”
“I do not want to.”
“Okay, great. Then you can help me open these bags and get them poured into these bowls.”
Jeremy had bags and bags of different Halloween candy, most of them with individually wrapped candies inside. Jean held one of the plastic wrappers in his hand, a gummy eyeball staring back at him.
“You cannot tell me this is edible.”
“It’s all edible. I promise.”
“I will not eat it.”
“Just hear me out, okay? You don’t have to eat them if you don’t want to. But you do have to touch them and smell them.”
It sounded a lot like exposure therapy to Jean, and he was already spending enough time with that kind of ordeal. But he obediently opened a wrapper anyway, holding the gummy eyeball away from his body.
“This is worse than the pumpkins.”
“Which is why I didn’t start with this drill. But by now, you’re a little warmed up, right?”
“Maybe I’ll be warmed up by next October.”
“Come on, you’re doing great.”
Jean set the eyeball down and moved to the next candy. Not considering the nutritional value, the others weren’t nearly as bad. Jean filled the bowls, hesitating as he looked at the next ones.
“Candy corn,” Jeremy said.
Jean frowned. “Candy that tastes like corn?”
“Not at all. It just looks like it, I guess? It’s a classic, though. Same with these caramel suckers with green apple in the middle. They were my favorite as a kid.”
“And now?”
“Now? Hm, I’d say Cat’s turned me into more of a chocolate guy. Still love all of it, though.” Jeremy grabbed a piece of candy corn and popped it in. “All in moderation, of course. Except on Halloween. Absolutely no limits then.”
“Great,” Jean said dryly. “And when you throw up during practice on November 1st, do not expect me to feel sorry for you.”
Jeremy laughed. “That’s fine. I’ll feel sorry enough for myself already.”
Jean grabbed a piece of candy corn, examining all sides of it. He had no desire to eat it. Not now. But maybe on Halloween, he would find it in himself to try.
He held it out to Jeremy, and Jeremy popped it in his mouth.
“On Halloween night, little kids will come trick-or-treating,” Jeremy said. “And now you’ll be more than ready to hand them candy, right?”
“What?”
“Actually, don’t worry about that right now. That’s like, the championship game kind of thing, and we’re still at the very beginning of the season.”
“You do not need to carry on this analogy for so long. I understand.”
Jean had always had to be strict with what he ate. He still was, even though he wasn’t a Raven anymore. But he had to admit that it was healing in a way to see Jeremy eat candy so easily.
It was nice knowing that life had been kind enough to Jeremy for him to have a sweet tooth.
.
.
The third drill required leaving the house.
Jean almost offered to take Jeremy on the motorcycle to get there, a ride to steady himself before trying anything else new, but ultimately decided against it. Although it would have been nice having Jeremy at his back, riding in the passenger seat of Jeremy’s car meant he had a full view of blonde hair and brown eyes.
And in the October sunlight, Jeremy was golden.
Jean wished the car ride could be longer. But soon they were pulling into the parking lot of a giant Halloween store, and the good mood that Jean was in quickly disappeared.
“Awesome, right?” Jeremy asked as he put the car in park.
Jean was staring at the giant inflatables outside the front door. “Obnoxious.”
“Yeah, a little obnoxious, too,” Jeremy agreed with an apologetic smile. “Come on.”
Jean sighed, willing himself to be good, and then followed Jeremy into the store.
As soon as Jean walked in, he wanted to walk right back out. Jeremy must have seen that on Jean’s face, because he was quick to put a hand on Jean’s lower back and guide him to the back of the store.
“I know it’s overwhelming, but don’t worry. We’re only here for costumes.”
“Costumes,” Jean repeated.
“Cat and Laila like theirs to be a surprise, and I’m sure they already have a couple’s costume picked out. Actually, I’m sure they have multiple costumes ready. But we just need to find one, okay?”
Jean mumbled something in reply, and they started browsing the rows and rows of endless options.
Jean was drawn to the black costumes, of course. He was looking at a vampire costume that included fake teeth and everything, but Jeremy was quick to intervene.
“You’d be a very attractive vampire, Jean, but I think that maybe you should find something that isn’t black.” He didn’t say it, and he didn’t have to; the color black would always be connected to Evermore.
“Why?” Jean asked. “I thought costumes are supposed to be scary.” Jean wasn’t sure if it counted as a joke if there was that much truth to it, but he felt a little satisfied with himself anyway.
“Fun scary,” Jeremy said, nudging his shoulder. “Not traumatizing scary. Look, we can be clowns or something.”
They moved over to the dedicated clown section, but none of them seemed particularly appealing.
“You can be a clown,” Jean said. ”I will be something else.”
“Aw, come on. It’s more fun if we’re matching.” Jeremy pulled the costumes off the rack, holding the rainbow wig up to Jean’s head. “Yes. I think this is perfect.”
“It is colorful,” Jean said, nose wrinkling.
“Yeah,” Jeremy said with a grin. “Scary, right?”
Jean sighed. “Would it make you happy if we wore these?”
“Yes. Very.”
“Come on, then,” Jean said, heading for the checkout.
“Wait,” Jeremy said, catching Jean’s sleeve. “I want it to be something you like, too. We can look around more.”
“I have no opinion on this anymore.”
“None at all?”
“As long as we are matching, I do not care.” Jean met Jeremy’s eyes. “If you are happy, then I am happy.”
Jeremy smiled. “Let’s have this be a surprise for Cat and Laila, okay? They’re gonna freak. Oh, and I should warn you now, they’re going to want to do a photoshoot.”
“Paint a smile on my face so I do not have to,” Jean said dryly.
Jeremy made an excited noise. “You’d seriously be down for face paint?”
Jean sighed. “If we must.”
Jeremy grabbed face paint on the way to the checkout, and Jean trailed behind him, still eyeing the costumes in Jeremy’s hands.
Jean did like rainbows, though having those colors on his body was a different story. But he figured he wouldn’t have to worry about it yet. Halloween was still weeks away.
The car ride was too short again, but then they were home.
“Alright,” Jeremy said. “Ready for drill number four?”
“Already?”
“This one is low effort, I promise. All we have to do is sit on the couch and watch a Halloween movie.”
Jean frowned, unsure, but Jeremy was quick to jump in.
“Don’t worry, nothing gory or anything,” Jeremy assured him. “Even a kids’ movie would be good. It just has to be related to Halloween somehow.”
“A kids’ movie,” Jean repeated.
“Yeah, ever watched one before?” Jeremy joked.
“No.”
Jeremy’s face fell. “Oh.”
“It does not matter,” Jean said, regretting that moment of honesty since it took away Jeremy’s smile. “I will watch one now if you want me to.”
He didn’t want Jeremy to be sad, and maybe Jeremy realized that, too, because he quickly found a family-friendly movie and changed the conversation.
“This one’s good. It’ll be fun. And then we can slowly work towards scarier movies like Cat and Laila like. Or not. We can totally watch Exy in the bedroom if you ever don’t want to watch what they’re watching.”
“Jeremy,” Jean said, cutting off his guilty rambling.
“Yeah?”
“It’s just us.“
Jeremy relaxed. “Yeah. You’re right. Let’s just enjoy this movie and worry about the rest of the season when it comes.”
They got comfortable on the couch, sitting under the same blanket.
The Halloween movie actually was entertaining, and being with Jeremy made it even better.
.
.
As the weekend went on, Jean was starting to miss Cat and Laila’s presence. But thankfully he had Jeremy and the Halloween drills to keep him occupied.
“We’ll have to leave the house again for this next drill,” Jeremy said, holding up his keys.
“More shopping?” Jean asked.
“No, way more fun than shopping. I was thinking we could go to a haunted house. How does that sound?”
Jean thought of dark, enclosed rooms, and his palms started sweating.
“I do not wish to be in a haunted house again.”
Jeremy frowned, lowering the keys. “Again?”
“The Nest.”
Jeremy pressed his palm to his forehead. “I’m an idiot.”
“Yes,” Jean agreed. “But I am used to it.”
“Sorry,” Jeremy said. “Just…just give me a minute, okay? I have to rethink this.”
Guilt was uncomfortable in Jean’s heart. “You already made plans?”
“Plans that can totally be changed. Of course they can. I just have to look some things up real quick.” He disappeared to the kitchen where his laptop was charging, and moments later started typing on the keyboard.
Haunted house.
No. Jean wouldn’t be able to do it even with Jeremy by his side. Actually, having Jeremy with him would be worse. Jeremy was always supposed to be safe. Even if the danger was just pretend.
Jeremy came back a few minutes later, laptop in hand.
“Okay, we absolutely do not have to do anything you don’t want to, but there are alternatives to haunted houses. Like a haunted corn maze. Actually, it doesn’t even have to be haunted at all. We could just do a corn maze.”
Jean imagined endless passages that all looked the same, not knowing what was waiting around the corner.
“No.”
“Okay, that’s totally fine.” Jeremy was quiet for a moment while he thought. “What about a hayride? That one’s easy. You just sit until the trail ends.”
“Hayride?”
“It’s basically a wagon ride. But we’d sit on bales of hay. Well, technically it’s straw.”
“If that is the next drill, then I will get it over with.”
Jeremy laughed, nudging Jean’s shoulder with his own. “You’ll enjoy it.”
Jean wasn’t sure about that. But he knew he was going to try.
The hayride was a long drive away, but it was worth it to see the countryside. And, again, the October sunlight shining down on Jeremy was something Jean could never get enough of.
The farm they pulled into was busy with families walking around. Jean stuck close to Jeremy’s side as they walked past the corn maze and other attractions and got in line for the hayride.
“So far so good?” Jeremy asked when they got on. There were patchwork blankets on top of the straw, but it did little to block the scratchiness.
“This is not very comfortable.”
Jeremy just grinned. “Straw poking into you is part of the experience.”
“Whatever you say.”
The tractor engine reminded Jean of the motorcycle but in a louder, more rural way. The smell of exhaust mixed with the cool autumn breeze and Jeremy’s cologne to create something new, but familiar.
They were miles away from the house, but with Jeremy beside him, Jean was at home.
The ride was family-friendly with little toy bats hanging from the trees they rode under and different cutouts of cartoon monsters lined up along the trail. A skeleton, a witch, a mummy.
Jean pressed his leg against Jeremy’s. Jeremy reached down and found Jean’s hand, intertwining their fingers.
“This is nice,” Jean said, and he meant it.
Jeremy’s face lit up. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Like all the other drills, it was new, and yet, it was good.
They made it home that night in high spirits. Jean felt warm inside, like he finally understood how Cat and Laila could love Halloween so much.
Matching activities with the season, and spending time with loved ones…he could only imagine how the girls would react if he told them Halloween was now his favorite holiday, too.
He sat next to Jeremy on the couch again, a pumpkin spice candle burning on the coffee table.
“Want to watch another Halloween movie?” Jeremy asked. “Or any movie. You can choose.”
Jean grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. The recommended movies showing on the screen were scary ones. The first one to pop up showed someone screaming and covered in blood. Jean immediately turned the TV off.
“I want to watch a game,” he said, pulling out his laptop. Jeremy was quiet, so Jean gave him a questioning look. “What?”
“I’m sorry,” Jeremy said.
Jean frowned. “Sorry?”
“I should have realized how triggering Halloween could be for someone who has gone through the things that you have. I didn’t mean to be insensitive.”
Jean moved his laptop away. “Insensitive? You have been more sensitive to me than I deserve. I am the one who should be sorry for making this hard for you.”
“No. You didn’t have to agree to this at all, but you did for us.”
It had been a sacrifice at first. Jean wouldn’t deny that. But it turned into something so much more. How could he put into words how much his heart had grown over one weekend? How much he had healed?
“Halloween…could hurt, in some ways. But it could never hurt with you.” Jean smiled softly. “You have a way of making everything good.”
Jeremy smiled back, holding onto Jean’s hand. “That means a lot to me, Jean. But are you sure? Even though I made you do drills?”
“I do not think of them as drills anymore.” He leaned his head on Jeremy’s shoulder, using Jeremy’s word to really prove his point. “Thank you for the spooky dates.”
“It was my pleasure,” Jeremy said, kissing the top of Jean’s head. Then a grin crept onto his face. “Please say ‘spooky’ again.”
“Do not make me take back my thanks.”
Jeremy got up from the couch just long enough to pour two glasses of apple cider, the jack-o’-lanterns flickering brightly on the front porch.
“Here’s to many more dates,” Jeremy said, clicking their glasses together.
“Many more normal dates.”
“Yes,” Jeremy agreed, watching him fondly. “Anything you want.”
.
.
.