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it was a quarter past one in the morning when sam stopped trying to pretend to be asleep. she'd been having trouble sleeping the past few days and couldn't figure out why -- it wasn't over nightmares or anything tormenting her (surprisingly). so what was it?
she groaned and tossed from side to side. she'd been getting up grumpier in the morning, made apparent by dean's snide remarks. something about needing her beauty sleep and anything else she tuned out.
she could do with a talking to dean right now, anyway. as surprising as the thought is sam just needs something to do while her brain fails to rest. being alone in the dark has never been her strong suit after all.
grabbing a pillow and her quilted 'grandma' blanket (named by dean) she opened her door as quietly as she could and made her way to dean's room. how long has it been since they had a sleepover anyway?
it wasn't much to say this was out of her normal behaviour. sam could do about a couple other things before willingly laying down in dean's messy floor, but.. she really just missed her brother. it'd be nice is all. as late as it is. plus, she knows dean won't really kick her out. maybe.
sam very quietly (not really) opens dean's door and shuts it behind her. she puts her pillow down and wraps her blanket around herself, laid parallel to dean's bed. she hears him snoring like he always has and pokes at his hand hanging off the bed.
"dean. deeean. it's me, sam." she lets her nail poke at dean's palm.
it takes a second for the words to register, but when he hears a voice dean practically jumps off his bed, clinging to it's edge. he huffs when he sees sam's tousled hair over the corner of his bed.
"sammy?! the hell you doing here?" dean's voice was deep in sleep.
"hi. yeah. i um, couldn't really sleep, so i figured we could have a sleepover. like we were kids and stuff." sam laid back down once dean settled back down and was looking down at her (barely any eyes open).
"so you.. decided to come marching into my room. what time even is it?"
"by now, 1:30-ish."
"just when i was getting good sleep. so, what, you had a nightmare? came to tell me all about it, like when we were kids?" dean poked fun at her, still barely awake.
"no idiot. i rarely did that too. probably like, twice ever? and you still haven't let it go."
dean huffed out in amusement. "how could i? you thought there was something in the impala after you passed out like, 3 hours into a drive. wouldn't let me get any shut-eye after that either."
sam just stayed silent at that, thinking why she came here when this would be her company. she sighed.
"oh c'mon now, don't give me the silent treatment while you're on my floor. you wanted a sleepover sammy, you're gettin' one." dean laid on his back now, staring at the darkness in his ceiling.
sam's mind started to drift and thought back to that trip dean brought up. it was a nine hour drive from missouri to nebraska their dad took a job in for about two weeks. sam remembered it so vividly because it was the week dean had told their dad about the whole 'trans thing', as dean put it.
john didn't really.. take it well, to sam's memory. she honestly couldn't even remember him even acknowledging the words coming out of dean's mouth. things just became awkward between the two for a while after that. but sam had a lot of questions for dean about the whole thing, and that in itself spiraled into her own self discovery. but sam always found herself coming back to that job in nebraska.
"hey, dean, y'remember that job dad did in nebraska when we were kids?" sam asked without really thinking.
a small, weighted pause followed.
"when you were 8 and i was 12 you mean? yeah, kinda hard not to. dad didn't work lotsa jobs there. why?"
muffled shuffling could be heard in the silence the question was answered with.
"do you ever.. think dad knew. about, both of us. how we turned out."
sam was real out on her own with the sudden late-at-night questions. truth be told, it wasn't as if the world's been kind to her, especially not recently. whatever it was that made these feelings and memories bubble up to her in this moment felt distant -- it was just her and her big brother now. like it always had been.
her and dean don't often talk about their own transitions. more so, they aren't the most open about it with each other, much to sam's reluctance. she wants to let dean in. dean just doesn't pull when she pushes for him to do the same.
it was never as if dean didn't support her in any means; it was the exact opposite. for the longest time, he was the only person in the world that gave sam what she needed to survive the world she was living in. just as a big brother should. things became understood between the two, just how it had always been.
sam almost didn't hear dean's sigh while circling her own thoughts.
"i think dad thought a lot of things 'bout us. whether he knew or ever really cared, i stopped caring about. i think you should too."
"i never had what you did with him.. after you told him. i always wondered what kind of eyes he'd look at me with once i said it, you know?"
"he wouldn't-- say anything to you, sammy. you know that." dean's voice was getting a bit hoarse there. "our old man was just that. old. thinkin'.. new age ideas were gonna ruin us all.
silence followed.
"i'd never let him say anything to you sam. i'd never let him use what he did against me to you. tryna tough me up, usin' my deadname 'n insults against me.. that's no punishment you deserve."
"it wasn't what you deserved either, dean. you know that. he was just--"
"yeah. well it doesn't matter." dean huffed and took in a deep breath. "he wasn't a bad man. he's definitely.. got some things wrong in life, but he loved you. he cared about us. if only he could see us now." he forced out a wet laugh.
guilt coursed through sam's veins. she really fucked up this time, waking her brother up and forcing him to remember his shitty transition. god, sister of the year.
"i'm sorry. i shouldn't have brought it up. i just think about it sometimes.
"you've done so much for me, dean. i need you to know that for the millionth time. hell, if you weren't cutting my hair, i would've looked even more of a mess when we were younger."
that got a real, hearty chuckle from dean.
"cuttin' up barbies was good practice. don't thank me for being family, sammy."
comfortable silence settled with them this time. sam's eyes finally grew tired.
"alright. for what it's worth, dean, we turned out great. most of it 'cus of you. goodnight."
dean turned over to face the rest of his bed instead of the edge.
"goodnight, little sister."