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"We won't say our goodbyes, you know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change
All we are, is everything that's right."
It was the first time he has ever felt at ease - and yet at the same time, to experience this uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach up to his unsteady fast beating heart. He should be better than this. As much as there was nothing wrong with showing emotions, he tried his hardest to reprimand himself, to keep these tears to himself - because that's what Peggy would have wanted.
"Steve - I want you to be happy." Her voice croaked, a hand reached out to find his on the edge of the bed. Steve looked down, a hopeful smile formed his face as he took her other hand lovingly on his.
"I'm trying Peg. Trust me." He assured. Blue orbs never left hers. His eyes never been more focused as ever, as if he was trying to draw her every feature, every detail on her face. Everything that he loved.
She chuckled, "Well, you are not trying your hardest."
Steve smirked, leaning his head closer to her. "And what made you say that?"
"Because I know there is something more than what I'm being told." She remarked. She tilted her head in amusement as she watched the look of confusion in his eyes.
"Oh c'mon, Peggy. You know I tell everything from my missions down to what I do, also the Avengers -”
She waved her hand dismissively, "Yes, yes I know all that. Maybe too much already... Although, I've seemed to notice you lack something."
He raised his brow in curiosity, an attempt to press for more answers because honestly, he felt clueless from her own implications. "And what's that?"
Where is the woman behind all of these?" She innocently asked. Yes, of course she would ask this and it felt so foolish for him that this thought never crossed his mind at all.
His cheeks flushed as his brain finally registered what that actually meant. Before he could even defend himself, she cuts him off and squeezed his hand tighter. "You need something constant in your life, Steve."
He sighed, "The Avengers is more than just a team, they're family... they are my family." He emphasized the last statement and a smile began to form in Peggy's lips.
"I know that, dear. And I'm truly happy for you... But sooner or later, you would need someone other than the company of your friends. To love, Steve - is the most beautiful thing there is... to wake up without an empty bed, to have something permanent - a family... don't tell me you haven't thought of these."
He closed his eyes tight, his head drifted back to this one special person who held a place in his heart. Despite all the drawbacks and all the pain that they've put each other through the past few weeks, a big part of him ached for her to be on his side - it was wrong to take it personally, as much as he respected her own stand. As unexpected as it goes, it left a strong effect on him because everything that Peggy mentioned - was everything that he has pictured of her doing. Simply being with her was all that he ever hoped for, and seeing all that being gone now too - just made it all seemed hopeless to ever think that he could ever find something constant.
"I - I have, Peggy. But based on how everything's been going through lately - I don't think there's even enough time for me to think this through."
She carefully untangled herself from his grip to slip her finger on his chin, "There wouldn't be time unless you make time. She's simply out there, probably waiting for you too - I don't want you to miss it this time... and you know what I mean."
A faint tear fell on his cheek, of course he knew that - even if there are so many things on his plate right now, it was on him to do better. "I have lived a good life, dear. When the moment comes, I would want her there beside you."
"Hey, soldier."
A familiar voice pulled him out from his thoughts. He inhaled deeply, the sound of her voice was just too overwhelming, it helped him masked the pain - even just for a short span of time. He kept his composure as he heard the footsteps getting closer and closer to where he stood. When the smell of her perfume finally registered in his senses, he couldn't help but turn his head around only to find her face merely inches away from him.
Her expression softened, her eyes were glassy, and mentally dragging herself to face him at this state was just too damn hard. She didn't know how to approach him, nor him to her and so they spent the remaining minutes gazing at each other's eyes. She furrowed her eyebrows, he could feel the warmth of her hands on his sides but she kept it still.
A sly smile formed in his lips, hands buried deep in both pockets. "I thought you didn't know her." He stated, his head drifted back from what happened two years ago when the picture of Peggy was brought to Natasha's attention back in New Jersey.
She shook her head still managing to have this smirk he loved plastered on her face. She pressed her lips together, "I know her. I - I was just surprised, to know that she meant to you so much more than I thought."
He nodded, he averted his gaze to something else, anything to keep himself distracted from the worried look in her eyes. "I'm sorry I kept this from you Nat I -"
"No, it should be me who should be saying sorry... for everything.
He rubbed the back of his neck as his smile faded. For a moment there, he could feel she was leaving an implication to something more than what it really should be. "We still talking about Peggy?"
"Depends on how you take it." She sighed. Natasha walked past him and padded her way closer to the altar, the view was just too calming and pleasant in the eye. Simply being there made her forget about the problems ahead, all the tension between the two sides and the constant pressure of choosing what she thought was best for everyone.
"Before Peggy died, she asked for only one thing..." His breath hitched as her words echoed from his mind all over again, "She wanted me to be happy." Her pulse fastened as she could feel the heat of his body radiating behind her back. "It was so simple, yet it was still something that I couldn't easily give."
"I would have agreed on her too... and you know that." She replied.
"At this state, at this situation we're currently involved in... I don't know, Nat. I think it's already too damn far from happening."
"But are we giving up?" Natasha asked. And before she could turn her head around to his direction, her knees weakened as she felt Steve's arms making its way around her waist from behind. He buried himself on the crook of her neck, as she felt his tears falling on the right side of her shoulder. This was the first time he had ever been this close to her, which made her regret the fact why this was only the first time she allowed him to do so. Without any hesitation, she curled her fingers on his as she tugged his body closer to hers.
"I'm sorry, this is all too sudden. I- I just needed this more than anything right now." He gently whispered to her ear.
"It's okay, I'll be here as long as you want me to." Natasha assured him. She pulled away to face him and held his face in between his hands, wiping his tears with the soft caress of her fingertips.
"I just feel like I'm slowly losing everyone I cared about, Peggy, Bucky, for God's sake Tony and... -" He paused, as she realized that it was her he was simply referring to.
"What makes you think you're going to lose me?"
There was a complete silence after that. He couldn't find the right words to say. Honestly, it shouldn't affect him - it was her decision, it was completely her stand. She had the right to choose what she thought was best, they were on the same page with a different perspective and that should have been completely fine with him, except it didn't. He was left heartbroken, not because of her decision - but because of the simple fact that she would no longer be there where he wanted her to be, and that was to be with him. It sounded so possessive of him, it was like breaking up with her - even if there had never been a label in their unexplained relationship to begin with. But, boy had he imagined it plenty of times.
"It shouldn't affect me, I respect your decision - I really do. But seeing an empty space beside me, honestly pained me more than I expected it to be." He admitted. Steve's gaze turned south, ashamed of his own self, knowing that he doesn't even have the right to ever since the beginning.
"Steve -"
"I'm sorry... I- I know you came here for Peggy. I shouldn't be talking about --"
"For once in your life, could you please stop apologizing Rogers?" She asked. "This was my call. I came here because of you." because I care about you more than you'll ever know. And it fucking sucks because I feel hopeless hoping for you to know that I do. That my mind is clouded between my own judgement and how things are between us.
That I see you more than what we really are at the moment... As fucking silly as that may sound
He threaded his fingers through his hair, eyes meeting hers - there was a level of sincerity and genuine care in her eyes, something that he had never seen before. At that point, he then realized he was truly in love with her. He couldn't bring himself to say it, because everyone he loved had unintentionally left. And he is not as strong as everyone thought he was. He could barely hold it together, the thought of being alone once again was already enough. "Did you came here to ask me to sign as well?" He blurted. The harshness in his tone annoyed her, she let out a big sigh and replied back, trying to conceal herself from raising her voice in defense."I came here because you are my friend... Just so you know, I treasure that more than being an Avenger." She trailed off, a lump formed her throat as she struggled to find the words to say without falling apart. "But if you think that my intentions aren't clear. I respect that."
"Take care of yourself, Steve." She held her hand on his chest, but before he could cover his palm on hers, she pulled back all of a sudden and walked past him.
"Don't go, wait please... I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I say. It's wrong to take it against you... I know why you chose to sign - it's just that things have been very tough lately -" He held her arm and pulled her back closer to him. She didn't fight from his grip, and so she allowed him to lead the way as he took a seat on a nearby pew, pulling her with him as well.
"In case you haven't notice, it's been pretty rough for me as well knowing that I'm standing between the person I care about and for what I think is right for all of us, Steve."
Care. It felt like these three words he was waiting for her to say was all written on it. He couldn't even describe exactly what he feels right now, all he knew was that she could say that to him all day and he will never get tired of hearing it.
"You care about me." He remarked, without a tone of curiosity.
"You're damn right I do. Can we move past this now?" She asked.
Steve shook his head in reply, his heart rapidly beating off his chest. Tears threatening to fall from his eyes once again. "No. Because I will never be over with what you said."
Before she could even find the right words to say back, Natasha felt the distance between him and her getting smaller and smaller until she was left with no room to pull back from his touch.
He cupped the side of her face and stroked it gently, his finger running along from the side of her jaw till it met her lips. Her lips that he loved, those lips that he thought of kissing every single day. Things aren't easy as it may seem, but if there's something that he could not hold back was the way he felt for her.
"Nat, I just -” Steve tried to reason with her though he couldn't even bring himself to finish the sentence, not when they're already at this close of proximity. He's too caught up in the moment, with these eyes, those lips and her heart - everything about her was too alluring. <em>You're the only constant thing in my life right now.
He leaned towards her as he locked his lips on hers. He felt her body froze, she couldn't exactly remember how things escalated to this moment but she didn't hold back either. And let's just say, it was something that she completely wanted as well.
The kiss was soft and gentle, definitely longer this time compared to the kiss they shared back on that escalator. This time, everything felt real and genuine. They're no longer kissing just for a ploy, but because this is what both of their hearts wanted. And it's amazing how their relationship developed into so much more than they expected two years from now.
She pulled back, her hands on both sides of his shoulder. With their foreheads pressed with one another, she bit her lip - trying to wipe the smirk off her face (which she amazingly failed to do so).
"I'm sorry, I forgot to mention how I needed that as well...." He opened his eyes, his fingers interlocked with hers.
"Captain Rogers, did you kiss me just because you found out I cared about you?" She teased. Natasha slides her hands from both of his shoulders until she snaked her arms around his neck. "Because if yes, I wouldn't be surprised if I see you making out with Sam."
She tilted her head in amusement and watched as Steve laughed, and it honestly felt good to see him this happy, after so many weeks. "What if I did it because I wanted something more?"
The hair on her arms stood on end, lungs almost screaming out because she could no longer contain herself from her own feelings.
"There's a chance you might be in the wrong business." She pulled back from his grasp, eyeing him carefully.
Steve slipped his fingers through her hair, admiring how beautiful she looked with the ray of the sun reflecting through the colored windows. "It's a chance I'm willing to take."
The timing wasn't perfect, but honestly since when had timing ever been correct for either one of them? Everyone had left, yes - and he was afraid to repeat the same fate that happened to all those he loved. But right now, he could no longer tolerate the thought of being away from her. She was his rock, the mere reason of his existence to this second life he was given the chance to live with. Peggy was right, and he was just completely being too damn stubborn, forgetting that the only thing constant that he had been looking for in his life, was simply the person standing behind him all throughout these years.
"Well if that's the case - then I'm happy to take your offer."
Steve leaned in, placing his fingers under her chin. He carefully examined every feature of her face, his hand gliding down through the dimples on the side of her mouth. No words needed, the genuine smiles and endless gaze on each other was enough for both of them to know that she was his, as he'll be hers, together - no matter what the world had to throw them. They'll make it, just like always because that's how everything works now - they'll succeed because they have each other, and nothing as strong as their bond could beat that.
The moment of treasured silence was broken by the constant ringing of Natasha's phone. He arched a brow, having an idea of who was on the other end of the line before she could even answer. Natasha pulled out her phone from her coat, the name of Tony Stark imprinted on the touch screen. She sighed, rejecting the call. "Killjoy" Natasha muttered.
"I guess your ride’s already here." Steve spoke, reprimanding himself from showing the hurtful expression on his face. He was going to miss her after all.
"Yeah -” Her heart ached, knowing that there isn't much time left for both of them now. She took a deep breath, using all her willpower to stand up from the pew. Steve followed her, his hand finding hers as he walked her out. "He attended Peggy's funeral, you know."
"I didn't know that." His breath hitched, almost wanting to hate himself why he didn't notice any sooner. Then he remembered now how Peggy was to Tony, growing up - and now it made perfect sense as to why he came.
Before he could open the door for her, she stopped in her tracks, her fingers gripping to his tighter. "And before you could even assume, he didn't come here just for Peggy." He cares about you too.
A smile crept on his face, nodding his head. "Thank you, Nat. makes it all better knowing that."
"Be safe, Steve. I know what you're trying to do, just be careful."
"Always." He pressed his lips to her cheek. It was chaste, and it was over before she could even react.
"And us... -”
She cuts him off, smirking. "We'll be okay. Just have to stay alive so we both get to experience what this really is." She gestured the gap between them with her finger. Steve laughs hooking his finger on hers, pulling her with him until she was now fully wrapped up in his arms, her head on his chest. Natasha reciprocated his embrace, as she too, enveloped her arms to his torso. "Do the same thing for me as well, okay?" He whispered in her ear. She nodded and pulled back, opening the door for the both of them.
The door opened, uncovering the vast, open - space parking lot of the Church. The atmosphere outside was serene and pleasant as the inside. Steve also noticed, a heavily - tinted black Audi waiting just a few steps away from them. The car door to the driver's seat opened, revealing a man no other than Tony Stark with a grim expression on his face. He looked like hell just like Steve. The stress and lack of sleep was evident in his eyes, and yet he still had managed to nod his head to Steve, acknowledging his presence.
He nodded his head back, and he was completely certain that he saw Natasha grinning from the simple interaction between him and Tony from the corner of his eyes. "You go figure out what needs to be done. So does Tony. But right now, I got to go."
He looked right at her eyes again, the intensity of his blue eyes was too unbearable and she was certain she could no longer last a minute staring right at them if the car that will completely tore her away from him was just a few steps away. "I'll miss you." He replied.
Her cheeks turned to a shade of red, "Too sappy are we, Rogers?" She finally let go and padded her way through the steps, taking all the courage she can muster to look at him one last time.
Natasha opened the car door and Tony followed suit. She continued to watch Steve from afar, waving goodbye to him through the glass. Tony cleared his throat to get her attention, and she turned her head to his.
"So, I'm assuming you and Capsicle are okay now... maybe more than okay based by the shade of your lipstick on his mouth."
Natasha pinched the bridge of her nose in embarrassment, "Oh God, Tony - just drive."
The car roared to life, making its way through the quiet streets of London. Steve watches them go, until it was nowhere to be seen.</p>
And at that moment, he knew Natasha will definitely miss him too.
Thanks Peg. I owe you one.