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“Yes, Violet, for fuck’s sake, I’m already on my way to your place,” Jinx muttered into the phone, weaving through the crush of New York City pedestrians with the same reckless intensity she brought to everything else in life. Rats skittered along the curb, indifferent to the chaos above. Horns blared. A guy shouted about the end of the world. Jinx didn’t flinch.
Vi’s voice kept rambling, something about Zeri’s birthday or their neighbor’s cat having kittens, Jinx had stopped listening ten blocks ago. She squinted ahead, already approaching the mouth of the subway station, glowing dim and familiar.
“I’m going underground,” she interrupted, pressing the phone tighter to her ear. “Losing you. Tunnels. Static. Bye.” She clicked the call off before Vi could respond and shoved the phone deep into her coat pocket.
Then she took a deep breath. One of those deep, shaky ones. Like before a plunge. She walked down the stairs into the subway station.
Jinx thought she’d be over Lux by now.
She really did.
She told herself she’d laugh it off, drink through it, paint through it, fuck through it. Make chaos until the ache dulled. That was her thing. That was always her thing.
But it’s been weeks. Then months. And still…
She sees her.
Not really. Not fully. Not ever.
Just almosts.
A glimmer of blonde on the other platform, caught in the corner of her eye. A flash of that smile in the subway window’s reflection, there and gone like a trick of the light. A laugh down the tunnel that makes her stomach twist, because god, it almost sounds like hers.
Every time Jinx rides the subway, her heart edges into her throat. It’s stupid, so stupid, but part of her always wonders: is Lux near?
Maybe it’s because this was where it all started. And ended. The subway station was their beginning. Their daily ritual. Their sacred place. The platform where Jinx once kissed her for the first time in public, grinning like a lunatic. The car where Lux once fell asleep on her shoulder. The line they used to take to art shows, museums, cheap dumpling places. And then, the same platform. The same silver train. The same tiled wall. That’s where she ended it and went on separate ways while Lux was begging for her to come back.
Sometimes, Jinx thinks she sees Lux standing exactly where she left her.
She’d told her:
“I can’t love you—not the way you want me to.” She’d meant it to sound like honesty. Not cruelty. But god, it had landed like a punch.
Because Lux was nice. Truly, genuinely kind . Not the fake kind. Not sweet-for-show. No, she had warmth in her eyes, the kind of warmth people carried from being safe, from being loved , from being raised right . She smelled like citrus and jasmine, like sunlight on a good day. She gave compliments with conviction. Helped strangers without hesitation. Looked at Jinx like she was made of galaxies.
And Jinx, Jinx was color. But the kind that bled. Green, purple, and blue. Bruised from everything. All sharp teeth and trembling hands. Born from too much pain and not enough arms to hold her. Abandoned, bruised, burned.
She loved Lux.
She still loves Lux.
But she was terrified of what her love might do. That her broken might bleed onto Lux’s light. That she might hurt her in ways even she didn’t see coming.
So she walked away.
You deserve someone better, she’d wanted to say. Someone whole. Someone with the same warmth in their eyes.
But she hadn’t said it. She’d just said, I can’t love you.
Now here she is. Back on the subway. Standing on the same goddamn platform. Haunted.
Every time someone walks by wearing that perfume, her perfume , Jinx feels like she’s drowning. Like the air’s been sucked out of her lungs and she has to stumble off at the next stop, gasping, sweating, shaking.
She’s not angry. Not really. Maybe at herself, but not at Lux. Never at Lux. She just misses her. So much it makes her feel like she’s falling.
Jinx doesn’t know if this feeling will ever go away. If the ache will dull, or the shadows of Lux’s smile will stop playing tricks on her eyes. Maybe one day she’ll get on a train and not flinch at every glint of gold. Maybe one day, Lux will just be another girl from the subway.
Today, Jinx stands on the platform, hands in her coat pocket, headphones in but nothing playing, watching the opposite track. Waiting for a train that might never come. Waiting for a ghost she told to go. And praying she’ll forgive her for it.
The platform lights flickered overhead, casting that familiar yellowed glow that always made everything feel a little more dreamlike, a little more unreal. The train was delayed, again. Of course it was. Jinx rolled her eyes and reached into her coat, pulling out a slightly crumpled box of cigarettes. She slipped one between her lips, lit it with a quick flick of her lighter, and took a long drag.
The smoke curled around her as she exhaled, eyes scanning her surroundings. Nothing new, just another Thursday in a city that never shut up. Tourists bickering over train schedules, a man singing off-key with a cardboard box as his drum, some girl scrolling through TikTok at full volume. Rats scuttling along the edge of the tracks. Pigeons up on the beams. Everything exactly how it should be.
Jinx could navigate this chaos in her sleep. Born and raised in New York, she’d long since developed the sixth sense that told her when to move, who to avoid, which shadow meant danger and which was just someone taking a nap. The subway was hers. Her concrete cathedral. Her liminal space. No car. No desire for one. Only newcomers made that mistake.
She listened absently to a group of tourists nearby trying to decode the subway map. “No, I told you we should’ve taken the F train—”
“But the lady at the hotel said—”
Jinx let the argument drift into the background. And then… it hit her.
The memory.
That day. That first day.
It was a day like any other. She’d been standing on a platform just like this one. Same grimy tiles. Same trash-stuffed corners. And then she’d seen her , the woman who would turn her life upside down.
She was fidgeting with her phone, swiping frantically over the subway map, her brow furrowed in confusion as she stared at her phone, zooming in and out on the subway map like it might suddenly make sense if she looked hard enough.
Jinx would usually have kept walking, the kind of person who just blended into the background of her own world, would've looked right past her, kept her headphones in. But for some reason, that day, she felt generous. Maybe it was the way the woman was biting her lip, that little pink tongue poking out just enough to be adorable. Or maybe it was the way her hair caught the light—bright and golden like sun-streaked honey. Something about how out-of-place she looked, wrapped in a beige coat far too clean for this city. She looked like a dreamer who’d walked into a storm.
Whatever it was, Jinx had walked up to her and asked, “Need some help, blondie?”
The woman had looked up at her with wide eyes, big and blue like the clearest sky, and Jinx felt something in her chest twitch. “Yes, please,” she’d said, a little sheepish, the slightest lilt in her voice giving her away, definitely not a local. Definitely not from anywhere nearby.
She was trying to get somewhere completely opposite to Jinx’s original destination. But she intrigued her. Soft and unsure and glowing. So Jinx, ever the liar, smiled and said— “Just your lucky day. I’m heading there too.”
Her name was Lux.
And Jinx had spent the entire day with her.
They rode the subway together. Jinx showed her the shortcuts, the unwritten rules of surviving the MTA. The secret seats that didn’t smell like piss. The transfers that actually made sense. They’d talked. Laughed. Ate shitty pizza on a street corner and watched a man in a Spider-Man suit juggle fire. By the end of it, Jinx had found herself reluctant to say goodbye.
“Thank you for everything,” Lux had said, looking up at Jinx with those big, trusting eyes. And then, in a voice barely above a whisper, “Could I get your number? In case I need more help with the subway…”
Jinx had smirked. “Sure, sweetheart. Lucky for you, you’ve got me on your side now.”
That had been the start. That beautiful, beautiful start.
And now…
Now she was standing alone on a platform, chain-smoking like it might patch the hole in her chest, remembering a day that felt like both yesterday and a lifetime ago. A laugh pulled her from the memory. Loud. Joyful. Familiar.
Her heart jumped.
Lux.
She turned, quick and desperate, but it was just a stranger. Some girl with pink braids and her friends, huddled in a group, laughing at something on someone’s phone. Jinx sucked in another drag, longer this time. She felt the sting deep in her chest. Maybe if she smoked enough, the ache would quiet down. Maybe if she burned her lungs, it’d distract her from the way her heart kept breaking in the same spot.
She had to stop thinking about Lux. She was the one who ended it. The one who said no . The one who walked away.
She didn’t get to feel this broken.
An announcement blared overhead, muffled and distorted. To anyone else, it was gibberish. But to Jinx, fluent in MTA nonsense, it was clear: another delay. Accident on the tracks somewhere. Great. She sighed, pulled out her phone, and sent Vi a quick text:
running late. subway’s fucked again. blame the rats or ghosts idk.
She shoved the phone back into her pocket—
And then she saw her.
At first, Jinx thought it was just another trick. Another flicker. A hallucination summoned by her own masochistic heart. But no.
She blinked once.
Twice.
Three times.
Rubbed her eyes.
And Lux was still there.
Standing on the opposite platform, as beautiful as ever. Golden hair glowing in the fluorescent light. That same warmth in her expression. The kind that lived in her eyes, like a fire you could fall asleep next to.
Jinx’s heart stopped .
For a moment, everything else disappeared, the rats, the tourists, the delays, the smoke in her throat.
It was just Lux.
And Jinx wanted, god , she wanted to shout her name. To run across the tracks. To fall to her knees and beg . To apologize for every stupid, terrified word she’d ever said. To tell Lux that she’s still in love with her, always has been, always will be, that she made a mistake, that she—
But then she saw him. A stranger standing beside Lux. Tall, neat, clean smile. Lux was laughing, eyes crinkled, head tilted just slightly toward him in that soft way she used to tilt toward Jinx. The way she used to look at her .
Jinx stood frozen.
So Lux had moved on.
Good. That’s what she wanted. That’s what she told herself she wanted. Lux deserves someone whole. Someone safe. Someone with warmth in their eyes.
So why did it feel like she was being ripped open? Her eyes burned. She blinked hard. No. Not here. Not now. She wiped at her face with her sleeve. Just sweat. Just smoke. Not tears.
This is what she asked for. This is what she chose . So why does it feel like her ribs are collapsing in on themselves?
Lux hadn’t seen her yet. She still had time. Time to leave. Time to breathe.
Because if Lux did look her way, if her kind, forgiving eyes landed on her again, Jinx didn’t know what she’d do. What she'd say . What kind of wreck she might become on this dirty platform with her heart in pieces again.
So she did what she always did.
She ran.
Turned sharply, boots slamming against the tile, lungs burning with cigarette smoke and grief. She bolted up the stairs two at a time, nearly knocking into a guy with a cello case, ignored his cursing. And as she reached the top, she didn’t dare look back.
She couldn’t risk it. Couldn’t risk seeing the girl she still loved. Couldn’t risk hoping. So she left.
Left the station.
Left the platform.
Left the only girl who ever made New York feel like something softer than survival.
Maybe one day Lux will just be another girl from the subway. But today isn’t that day.
The moment Jinx stepped out of the subway station, the stench of the city above ground hit her like a slap to the face. The air smelled of concrete, exhaust, and the faintest trace of wet garbage, typical New York. But right now, it felt like a lifeline. She inhaled deeply, as though the air might actually fill the empty space inside her chest where Lux’s laughter used to live. She sucked it in like she was drowning just moments ago, and somehow the air above ground felt like she could breathe again, if only for a moment.
She glanced back at the stairs leading down to the subway, that familiar pit in her stomach pulling her thoughts back to Lux. Seeing her there today,alive and radiant and moving on was more than Jinx had been prepared for. For months, all she had seen were ghosts. Ghosts of Lux in every corner of the city. Flickers of blonde hair. That damned laugh. The sparkle of her eyes when she looked at someone she loved. The warmth in her touch that Jinx had pushed away. And now, today, it was real. She had seen Lux with someone else. Lux was happy .
The cigarette dangling from her mouth was nearly finished, its ember flickering faintly. Jinx sighed as she pulled out another one, the burn of the lighter snapping in the cold air, and took a deep drag. The harsh smoke filled her lungs, sharp enough to numb her heart even if only temporarily. She exhaled, the smoke mingling with the wind that had started to pick up, scattering trash down the empty street.
Jinx stared back at the staircase again. The train would come soon enough, and she could risk seeing Lux again. Risk that ache in her chest. She could go back down. Brave it. Pretend the sight of Lux laughing with someone else hadn’t just cracked her ribs in two and her heart ripped to pieces. She could board the train, ride to Vi’s place like she said she would, act like nothing happened. Like her heart didn’t just try to jump out of her chest when Lux looked that happy without her.
Or…
She looked down the street. Wind tugging at her coat. Trash spinning into the air like confetti. It was at least a forty-minute walk to Vi’s apartment, and judging by the clouds rolling in and the wind cutting sharp around the corners, she was in for a storm.
Good.
She dropped the thought of the train like it burned. She would rather walk through a fucking hurricane than see Lux again. Not when she wasn’t hers. Not when someone else got to make her laugh.
Jinx threw the almost-finished cigarette onto the wet sidewalk, grinding it under her boot, and lit another one. She inhaled deeply, savoring the burn, needing the pain. The sky seemed to agree with her choice, as the wind howled louder, sending trash spinning in every direction. The people on the street scattered, seeking shelter in nearby stores or under overhangs. But Jinx didn’t mind the rain.
She kept walking.
The wind howled against her, biting her cheeks, and just as she had predicted, the rain came pouring down in sheets. Hard. Relentless. Jinx pulled the collar of her coat higher around her neck, her hair sticking to her face as she cursed under her breath. She reached for another cigarette, but the lighter wouldn’t catch in the downpour.
Without the burn of the cigarette to focus on, the ache inside her broke free. The walls she’d built around her cracked open, and all the grief and regret flooded out in a single, uncontrollable rush.
She gasped, barely able to catch her breath before the sobs came. The tears, too. She wasn’t even sure if it was the rain or her own eyes, but it didn’t matter. She collapsed to her knees, the concrete unforgiving beneath her, the rain soaking her through. It hurt. God, it hurts. It hurt in every inch of her, every part of her body. The ache in her chest where Lux used to live. The ache in her throat from screaming words she didn’t know how to take back. The ache in her soul, knowing she had let the one good thing slip away.
Jinx sobbed harder, losing herself in the pain.
For a moment, she thought about turning back. Maybe she shouldn’t go to Vi’s apartment after all. But the thought of sitting at her empty cold apartment, pretending she was okay, felt like it would crush her even more. She thought about texting Vi, telling her she wasn’t coming but the words didn’t feel like enough. There was no way to explain the storm inside her. No way to make her understand what she had just seen. What she had lost.
She got away. She got away. She got away. Jinx screamed in her head repeatedly or maybe she did shout those words in real, but she didn't care. She got away. Lux got away.
Suddenly, she felt a presence. A voice.
“Powder!”
It was Vi, shouting her name, and in an instant, Jinx felt something looming over her head. She didn’t look up at first, too lost in the overwhelming flood of tears, but then the umbrella shielded her from the downpour. Vi was standing there, soaked to the bone, but still holding the umbrella over Jinx, keeping her dry as best she could. Vi’s voice broke through the storm. “Powder! Come on, you're drenched, let’s get you out of here.”
Jinx could barely see through her tears, but somehow, she felt Vi’s arms around her. She didn’t know when it had happened. She didn’t know how she had gotten from the sidewalk to Vi’s side, but somehow, Vi was holding her, offering her warmth in the middle of the chaos. She didn't even remember when Sarah showed up with the car.
Maybe there was something to be said about owning a car in New York City after all.
Jinx didn’t remember when she’d been changed into dry clothes. Or when she’d fallen asleep on Vi’s couch, her body still trembling from the storm of emotion that had overtaken her. The exhaustion had caught up with her, and she let herself fall into a restless sleep.
Lux is gone, she got away.
When she woke, it was morning. Her neck ached from the awkward way she had slept, her throat raw from the screaming she hadn’t known she’d done. Her eyes were sore from the endless tears she’d cried. But the house was quiet. There were whispers, murmurs coming from the kitchen.
Jinx couldn’t make out the words, but she could hear Vi’s voice. The tone was soft, “...she’s okay now, Lux. Thank you for calling us. We found her right on time.”
Lux. That name. It pierced through Jinx like a knife. She frowned, trying to clear the fog in her mind. Maybe I’m still dreaming. Yeah, maybe I’m just dreaming. She closed her eyes for a second longer, hoping to drift back into some sort of peaceful slumber, where Lux was still a whisper of what could’ve been. But that was impossible.
Instead, she heard the soft click of footsteps, Sarah entered the living room, offering her a cup of coffee with a gentle smile. “Morning, Jinx,” she said, her voice warm and kind. “How are you feeling?”
Jinx didn't have an answer for that. All she could do was take the coffee, the comfort of the warmth filling her hands as she stared out the window, her thoughts still tangled in the storm that was Lux, still caught in the regret of everything that had happened. Yesterday was torture, seeing Lux but not the one to make her laugh and happy, it hurts more than she imagined. But there’s nothing she could do about it now, it was what she wanted, she kept telling herself. So Jinx mustered a strained smile to Sarah and finally said, “I’m okay.”
Lux had been so careful.
Since the breakup, since Jinx looked her in the eyes and said “I can’t love you the way you want me to” , she’d done everything she could to avoid places thick with memory. That meant no wandering near the old bookstore on 8th, no walks past that grimy ramen shop they used to argue over, and definitely no subway rides. She even considered moving to some place where it's peaceful and nice and no subway system, like Saskatchewan.
Instead, she'd become a reluctant connoisseur of New York’s infamous yellow cabs. She didn’t care about the cost. The money meant nothing if it kept her away from the subway platforms, the places that still echoed with laughter and lingering kisses, with that damn voice, that crooked smile, that heartbreak.
But Ezreal had begged. Her old friend from back home was in town for the first time, all wide-eyed and annoyingly charming, desperate for the “ full New Yorker experience. ” Which, of course, had to include riding the subway.
Lux had reluctantly agreed, her smile tight as she tried to block out the flood of old feelings threatening to surface. She had to act like it didn’t bother her. Like the subway’s grimy floors and piss-stained corners didn’t send her spiraling. Like seeing the tracks where they had once shared stolen kisses and laughter didn’t make her heart ache in a way it never fully healed.
"Can you believe I met this charming guy at the bar last night?" Ezreal’s voice snapped Lux back to the present. He was animated, recounting his latest late-night adventure with a grin on his face. "We hit it off, talked for hours. You’d love him, I think. Because I feel like I am."
Lux laughed on cue, smiled when expected, her hands clasped tightly in front of her. She tried not to flinch when the train screeched into the station. Tried to pretend the piss-stained corners and flickering lights didn’t make her stomach twist. It wasn’t until she turned her head toward the opposite platform that everything stopped.
Lux chuckled softly, trying to keep her mind focused on him, on the present. She laughed at the right moments, nodded at his jokes, even as her thoughts threatened to wander back to a time when she had been so sure, so certain of what she had with Jinx.
And then, there she was.
Jinx.
Lux’s heart stopped. Standing there in that old tattered coat she always wore like armor, hair messy, skin pale, cigarette hanging forgotten from her fingers, her face drawn in a way that immediately made Lux’s stomach flip. Her eyes were red, like she’d been crying, and Lux felt a pang in her chest. The impulse to walk over, to run to her, to hold her and demand to know what was wrong, was overwhelming. But Lux held back, rooted to the spot.
Jinx’s eyes darted around as if she was looking for something, or someone, and before Lux could react, Jinx turned sharply, running up the stairs, disappearing into the chaos above. Lux’s breath caught in her throat. Her body moved instinctively, like it had to go after her, had to make sure she was okay. Her heart stuttered. But her feet didn’t move.
Because she wasn’t allowed to anymore. It wasn’t her place. You’re not hers anymore , she reminded herself. She made that choice for you.
Ezreal’s voice pulled her back. “Hey, Lux? You okay?”
She blinked, her throat tight, mind whirling. “Yeah,” she said, too fast. “I just—can you wait here a sec?”
Ezreal gave her a puzzled look but nodded, and Lux turned and ran up the stairs, her heels clicking urgently against the concrete. By the time she reached the top, Jinx was already far ahead, walking quickly into the wind, her shoulders hunched. Lux opened her mouth, ready to call her name but nothing came out. She swallowed the impulse, watching the girl she still loved fade further into the distance.
She could’ve let her go.
She almost did.
But then Lux looked up at the sky, saw the clouds curdling gray, the wind shifting sharp and cold. The storm was coming. Jinx didn’t even have a coat thick enough. She’d always been careless like that. Lux bit her lip, then pulled out her phone. She didn’t even hesitate before pressing Vi’s name.
It rang once, twice. And then, Vi’s voice came through the line.
“Lux?”
“Vi,” Lux said, her voice tight. “I just... I just saw Jinx. I think she’s not okay. She looked like she was... she was running. I don’t know what happened, but... can you check on her? Make sure she’s alright?”
There was a long pause on the other end, and Lux held her breath, listening for Vi’s response. Finally, Vi spoke. “Of course, Lux. Don’t worry. I’ll go check on her. You’re right. I’ll make sure she’s okay.”
Lux exhaled, the tension in her chest easing just slightly. “Thanks.”
Lux stood there for a second longer, phone still in her hand, rain already starting to fall. Then she went back down the stairs, back into the station where Ezreal waited. Back into the train, into the stories and smiles and safety.
And pretended, like always, that she wasn’t still thinking of Jinx, her one that got away.