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Cyr sits on the edge of the Lighthouse, staring off into the distance. He hasn’t had much time to himself since everything happened. No time to contemplate the confused feelings inside him at the fear he felt at Weisshaupt. He thought he was going to die. Death has been his fascination, his goal, his whole reason for living for as long as he can remember, but when it was upon him?
Why was he so scared to die when that’s something he’s been so adamant about?
“Cyr?” Kos calls. “Is something bothering you?” His boyfriend comes to sit beside him, placing his hand over Cyr’s. “You’ve been acting a bit off since Weisshaupt.”
Cyr bites his lip, considering. How does he put every confusing thought into words? “I was scared.” He finally blurts out.
“Thats… Pretty normal in life or death situations?” Kos tries. “Was it something specific?” A thoughtful look crosses his face. “Is this why you were so weird about death the other day?”
He nods, tearing his gaze away from his lover to stare forlorn into the Fade. “After you were knocked out, the Archdemon came for us. In that moment, I was scared. Scared of dying. Scared of losing you. I— I’ve never felt like that before.”
Kos freezes for a moment, then removes his hand to pull Cyr into a tight hug. “I was scared of losing you, too.” Cyr lets himself relax into the bigger man. That’s… Very sweet of Kos, but that’s not quiet how he meant it.
“Has… Have you ever had something happen that had you questioning your most core beliefs?”
Kos takes a moment to think. “I have. More than once. You have to decide to either move on from that belief, or still believe in spite of that uncertainty. That’s what faith is.”
Kos rubs his arm reassuringly while Cyr takes that in and mulls it over. Jim chirps in his head, trying to help. Death is the penultimate form of life, only beat out by Lichdom. There’s nothing he should be anything but excited for. “Even if you’re terrified?”
“That’s the hard thing about faith, Cyr. Sometimes, you’ll find yourself terrified and you’ll find out things you may not like about yourself. Sometimes, it’s that your beliefs aren’t what you thought they were. Other times, you find solace in them. The only thing is that you’re never going to know until it happens.”
Blinking, Cyr raises his gaze to those bright eyes. Is he allowed to be terrified of death while still looking forward to it? Cyr’s not certain, and that bothers him.
He knows he doesn’t want to die this soon, nor does he want to see Em or Kos leave him. Hell, he even be willing to heal them when he’s never understood the point before meeting them.
“Is it still possible to believe something while not wanting to see it come to fruition?”
Kos smiles at him. “It is.” Those pretty eyes seem to sparkle at him. “I’d honestly be more surprised if you weren’t a little afraid of dying, even given you’re beliefs.”
“… Dying never bothered me before. It was simply a means to an end.”
“That was before you had to actually face it, Cyr.” Kos leans in, pressing a soft kiss to the top of his head. “It may not feel like it, but in time you’ll understand yourself better.” Kos’ brows furrow as he pulls back. “You know, you could speak with Emmrich if you still want some council? I’m sure he could help you better than me.”
Cyr grips his boyfriend tighter. “You’re the one I wanted to speak to, Kos.” Sure, he might not have wanted to talk, but Kos is here now and he’s doing a great job helping Cyr through his emotions. “You’re more than enough.” He feels a bit better, but Cyr’s more than a little aware that he’s still going to be mulling this over for days or weeks yet.
Jim rubs against them, doing his best to comfort Cyr. Cyr, in turn, steals a cheeky kiss from his dearest Kos. This is enough for now.