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It’s not your fault, love, you didn’t know.
You didn’t know.
~
"California? What exactly are they doing there?"
Yusei scrunched his nose, wondering as he looked at his phone. Then he shrugged and took a sip of coffee from the mug in his other hand.
"What's with the cathode?" a voice asked, curious.
Yusei rolled his eyes but was clearly amused. "California, Bruno. You need to listen." Then he stepped out of the kitchen and walked into the living room. There, Bruno was lying on the couch. He yawned and stretched. Music was playing in the background on the TV.
Yusei sat down next to him, put the mug on the table, and adjusted his glasses. "Jack wrote that he already took off yesterday."
"But shouldn’t he be in Seattle by now? The Cup starts next week."
"Yeah."
"Well… maybe the flight was cheaper?"
Yusei looked at him as if he should’ve known better. "You think he cares about that?"
Bruno huffed. "True."
Bruno sat up and rested his arm on the backrest of the couch, so Yusei had more space. He seemed to have waited for that and slid back. Promptly, two arms wrapped around him, and he saw blue hair between his eyes and his glasses.
"Are you okay? Did something happen?" Yusei asked. Bruno's hair was bothering him, so he leaned his head back a bit to get it out of his face. Bruno let his head rest on Yusei’s shoulder and smiled with his eyes closed. "I missed you."
Yusei grinned, but Bruno wasn’t done yet. "You weren’t home all week, except to work after you’d already finished work. I was sleeping all alone in bed."
"I did sleep in bed too," Yusei replied and waited for Bruno to look up. Which he did only to let Yusei see how much he was pouting. "But only when I was already asleep! I didn’t even notice. For me, you weren’t home."
Yusei pursed his lips and looked at Bruno. "That’s happened so many times before, and you never said anything. Why now?"
"Am I not allowed to miss you?"
Now Bruno sat up, straightened his back so Yusei had to look up at him. He seemed like he wanted to be angry, but he only looked sad. Yusei smiled. "Yes, of course you’re allowed to. But why exactly now?"
"Because."
Bruno stuck out his tongue but had already calmed down and smiled along with Yusei. He pressed his forehead against Yusei’s, then leaned in and kissed him.
"I’m sorry," Yusei said. "Maybe it was too much. I had a lot to do these last few weeks. I need to get it done."
He knew Bruno wasn’t really angry, and he didn’t actually want an apology. But Yusei said it anyway. He just had the feeling he needed to say it.
"Don’t be sorry, everything’s okay," Bruno said softly. "I took that risk willingly when I married you."
Married.
It was just the word itself that made Yusei feel a pleasant tingle. As if it was magic. After all these years, Bruno had finally said yes last year. Until forever.
Yusei smiled and kissed his husband again. Bruno, on the other hand, hugged him tightly and didn’t let go of his lips. His kisses became slower, longer, as he held Yusei against his chest. Yusei leaned into it, quietly admitting to himself that the last time had been too long ago. He slowly began to understand what Bruno meant. A whole week without touch or intimacy, even though they were freshly married.
He had missed it. He had missed Bruno.
But as Bruno grew more demanding and moaned into their kisses, Yusei laid a hand on his chest, unfortunately ending it. "I know, but not now."
Bruno let his shoulders sink and pouted again.
Yusei shook his head, adjusted his glasses again, and gave him a last kiss. "Did you look at the time? Jack should be here in about two hours, and we should tidy up the apartment. At least a little bit."
Bruno huffed again, pressed his lips together briefly, then got up together with Yusei. "Alright. The usual division?"
Yet again, Yusei shook his head. "I want to switch. I’ll take care of the kitchen, you go for the bathroom."
Bruno frowned. "You never want to clean the bathroom."
"No, but I want to drink my coffee first of all," he replied. He grabbed his mug and winked at Bruno.
"So that’s why." Bruno grinned slightly, turned away from Yusei, and stretched again. "Well, okay, I guess."
Yusei watched as he went off to the bathroom and sighed.
Everything still felt so surreal to him. After all the time they’d lived together, after one year of being married, suddenly it felt like the first time all over again. As if they were falling in love for the first time again.
It filled Yusei with peace. So many years, and now, finally, he could say he was truly happy.
Quietly, he finished his coffee and put the mug in the dishwasher. Then he grabbed some cleaning supplies and started to clean their little kitchen.
He could hear Bruno singing along with the music playing through his headphones. He couldn’t see him, but he imagined Bruno dancing while cleaning.
But a while later, after he had finished everything, Bruno came back and leaned over the kitchen island. Yusei, who was still wiping the counter, looked at him, confused. Bruno looked like something was on his mind. "You think…," he began, "it happened on their way to Seattle?"
Yusei frowned but thought about it for a second. "Maybe? But then why would Jack fly over at all?"
Bruno shrugged. "I don’t know."
"Well. We’ll see in a minute, I guess."
A little while later, they were finished and the apartment was tidy again. Bruno grabbed a few cookies and brewed fresh coffee when the bell rang.
Jack.
Bruno wanted to run from the kitchen to the door, but Yusei was faster, already there. "I’m going," he said, and Bruno decided to stand behind him.
Yusei opened the door. And looked surprised.
"Hi."
It was Jack who had just greeted them, standing there casually, relaxed. But not alone. Next to him stood Carly, smiling at both of them. "Hello!"
She still looked heavily pregnant, but she held a little car seat in her hands.
Bruno’s eyes gleamed with joy. He stood in front of Yusei before the latter could even blink and knelt down to look into it. "Oh my god, you’re so cute!"
Yusei smiled. "And we were wondering why you were flying over."
He stepped aside, and Bruno made space so Jack and Carly could come in. Yusei shut the door, but Bruno was absolutely in awe, hugging both Jack and Carly and speaking enthusiastically. "Why didn’t you say anything? Congrats, you two!"
Both Jack and Carly thanked him, and Yusei also gave his congratulations, but Bruno was already looking at the baby again. "He’s so tiny and cute! Hello, Jaron! How old is he already?"
Carly wanted to answer, but Jack already smirked. "Meanwhile he looks like a human. At birth he was a squishy potato."
"Oh, Jack," Carly sighed, sending him a mental slap to the mouth, then looked at Bruno. "He is three weeks old now."
Bruno and Yusei chuckled a bit, but Jack shrugged. "You said the same thing at the hospital."
Carly winced, visibly embarrassed, but went into the living room and placed the car seat on the couch.
Bruno brought the fresh coffee and cookies to the table and sat down with the others.
"Jaron seems to be pretty calm with everything," Yusei pointed out, looking at the baby. Jaron was sleeping. But Carly had to laugh. "Yeah, when he sleeps! It’s a different kind of story when he’s awake."
Bruno laughed and was still over the moon.
"You’ll never guess his birthday," Jack said. Yusei raised one eyebrow, already having a guess. "You said he’s three weeks old, so… our wedding day?"
Carly nodded. "He was born on April sixteenth."
"No way!" Bruno’s smile got even bigger, and Carly pulled out her phone to show him pictures from the last few weeks.
"I have to admit, I completely underestimated Carly," Jack said to Yusei. Bruno was way too taken with all the pictures and the baby to listen.
"Why?" Yusei asked, smiling at Bruno, although he wasn’t looking at him.
Jack crossed his arms and sighed, but still seemed very chill. "She squeezed my hands so tightly they turned blue afterwards. Say what you want, but it was painful for both of us."
Yusei laughed joyfully, and they continued their little chat. He let all the feelings sink in, as if they were important to breathe for him.
He was glad, happy. At peace.
~
The dusk slowly faded into the colours of the night.
Yusei said goodbye to Carly, Jack, and the baby and shut the door after they had left.
"Jaron was the cutest baby, wasn’t he?!" Bruno asked immediately. He put away the dishes, and Yusei sighed. "Well, it’s a tiny human being. But… I have to admit, you find them way cuter than I do."
Bruno turned around, put his elbows on the kitchen island, and rested his head in his hands. Suddenly, he looked sad. "Does that mean you don’t wanna have a cute little baby?"
Yusei took a seat on one of the chairs at the island so he could look at Bruno directly. "I never said that. But for the moment, I’m happy with just the two of us."
Bruno chuckled and gave his husband a kiss. "Do you wanna do something today? Go out maybe?" he asked.
Yusei didn’t even need to think about it and got up. "How about just lying in bed and being together?"
"Hm." Bruno blinked at him, to which Yusei responded with a smile. "Let’s go?"
His husband nodded, gave him a quick hug, and went to the bedroom, already taking his shirt off.
Yusei looked at him, smiling and shaking his head. When did they become so relaxed and peaceful?
He followed Bruno, who had now taken off his pants and gotten into bed. Yusei picked up the clothes from the floor and placed them on the dresser alongside his own.
"See?" Bruno asked, pointing at him. "That’s what I missed."
Yusei smiled again and got under the blanket. Bruno immediately put one arm around his shoulders and held him against his chest, while Yusei cuddled up. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
He did miss it. Just lying in bed with his husband. Doing nothing, nothing on their minds, just the two of them and the warmth. No stress, no work, no calls, no other people.
In this moment, it was just them.
He enjoyed the silence, the peace. He loved to feel Bruno’s warmth and every single one of his touches.
"Yusei?" Bruno asked after a while. But Yusei didn’t look up, only made a questioning sound.
Bruno seemed to pause, as if he were thinking about something. Then he spoke softly. "Thank you."
At the sound of his words, Yusei pulled away from the hug and looked at him.
His eyes widened, scared.
Suddenly, a little scratch appeared on Bruno’s cheek. Fine red lines made their way to his chin.
"Bruno, you’re bleeding," Yusei whispered. He wanted to jump up, get something to help. But Bruno held onto his hand. "It’s okay. I just wanted to thank you."
"For what?"
Yusei stared at him, confused. What the hell was going on with his husband? Why was he bleeding all of a sudden?
Bruno just continued smiling at him. There was something like relief in his eyes. "For everything. For this life here. I love it. And I love you."
"I–I love you too," Yusei said, alarmed. "Why are you talking to me like this?"
Now, his husband glanced down, still holding Yusei’s hand softly. "Because I’m not ready to go yet."
Shivers ran down his spine. Yusei swallowed. Suddenly, Bruno’s hand felt so cold. His skin looked so pale. Yusei shook his head in disbelief, unable to comprehend what was happening.
"Bruno, what’s going on? What happened?"
He didn’t answer, just rested his forehead against Yusei’s. His heart was beating fast, and he clenched his teeth. Empathetically, Yusei asked again, looking into his eyes: "Bruno, tell me what’s going on? You’re scaring me."
Bruno held his gaze. "You know what’s going on, Yusei."
He shook his head, which made Bruno sigh. He pulled him back into the hug, and Yusei swallowed again. The warmth, it was gone. The warmth he had missed so much and just gotten back, all of a sudden, it was gone. He began to tremble.
"I just wanted to tell you that none of this was your fault. You didn’t know."
Yusei couldn’t answer. He didn’t know what to say. Frozen, he let himself be held by Bruno, listening to his voice.
"I’m thankful for everything. For your trust, your friendship, your bravery, and your love. I wish we could stay longer and live this happy little life. It’s all so beautiful. I really wished for this to become real. But I can’t stay."
Yusei couldn’t think. His head was empty, like endless nothingness. Something inside him went numb. He wanted to say something, maybe scream. But he couldn’t.
He didn’t understand what was happening.
He knew Bruno must’ve meant something specific, but he couldn’t name it.
There was just this feeling.
Emptiness.
Something was missing.
Pain.
He snuggled up to him, holding onto his cold body. "Don’t leave. You don’t have to."
Yusei felt something wet on his forehead, then heard Bruno sniffle. He gave him a brief kiss again.
"I’m not ready to go," he mumbled, starting to tremble. "Please stay with me until I fall asleep."
Empty-headed, Yusei nodded, and they snuggled up to each other. There, lying in Bruno’s arms, he felt his fear. Bruno’s words were like screams inside his head.
Please stay with me until I fall asleep.
Please stay with me.
Please stay.
Yusei swallowed hard, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he couldn’t breathe. The emptiness overwhelmed him, the remaining pain brought him to tears. He hugged his husband tightly.
"I’ll stay with you."
¸.•*~ღ~*•.¸
„Yusei.“
His eyelids flickered, almost immediately he needed to shake the freezing coldness away. But it didn’t work.
He laid in his bed, without a blanket.
„Yusei, hi.“
This worried voice. It was Aki.
He swallowed, his throat felt dry. Laboriously, he turned around. His limbs felt numb and heavy.
She sat on his mattress, checking on him.
„Aki,“ he murmured. „What are you doing here?“
He had a weird feeling, as if he was floating and being tied up at the same time. He was cold and hot at once.
Aki laid a hand on his forehead and he trembled. She sighed. „I wanted to check how you are doing. You haven’t left the house for the last two weeks, and Crow said you’re barely eating anything.“
„I’m okay.“
He turned away from her and grabbed one of his pillows. But Aki didn’t let go. „No, you’re not.“ She stood up, got Yusei’s blanket, and covered him. Then she sat down by his side again and put her hand on his shoulder. „We’re really worried, Yusei. You’re not leaving your room, you barely eat, you lie here all day, staring at the wall or sleeping. This can’t go on like this. Your body won’t be able to continue much longer.“
In his mind, he agreed with her. It won’t continue like this forever.
But how should it continue? Where was the path?
„If you want to talk or just don’t want to be alone, I’m here. We’re all here for you.“
Yusei closed his eyes. „Thanks,“ he said. „But I want to be alone right now.“
With a sigh, she got up and left him be. „Okay,“ she said. „I’ll stay for tonight and bring you some food later. Crow and I are cooking udon.“
Just a few moments later, he heard the door close.
As she left him, he slowly pulled his legs up, curled in, and hid under the blanket. The fabric felt warm but rough. It rustled with every small movement.
Tormented, he clenched his teeth and squinted his eyes. Tears streamed down his face, from his eyes to his nose and then to his temple before they dropped onto the pillow.
His strength had left him weeks ago. It felt like he was lying on the ocean floor, somewhere in nothingness, as if he were drowning without the chance to take a breath again.
Nobody could help him.
The only one who could was the one who pulled Yusei with him into the sea.
He tried to breathe.
But could only sob.
„Bruno.“
Stay with me, until I fall asleep.
Stay with me.