Work Text:
There was something about watching Zayne perform surgery that enraptured her. There was a pride in her heart, blooming each time she watched him perform his duty meticulously, as if his hands were crafted for this calling. Though she knew they had many talents. They were made to hold her gently in his palms just as much as they were to wield a scalpel.
His dedication was one of the things she admired most about him. No matter what he set his heart on, he devoted himself to it completely. That included fixing the hearts of others, not to mention her own, in every way a person could.
Still, there was something that stirred inside her as she watched him at work. A fear and uncertainty she so often turned a blind eye to. Easier to push it aside than address its ever looming presence over her life, casting a greater shadow the more time passed.
Watching the patient laying on the bed, so vulnerable, their fragile life held in Zayne’s hands, made her feel uneasy. That they could slip away so easily at any moment, nothing Zayne or any other doctor could fix. They could only delay the inevitable. Maybe indefinitely, if they were truly lucky. But how many could get that lucky?
Finishing up on the patient, she watched as Zayne wiped the sweat from his face, the hours hard at work taking their toll on him, even if he didn’t want to show it. But the moment he caught her eyes through the glass, any tension melted away into a soft smile that made her heart ache with the need to hold him tight and not let go.
“How long have you been waiting out here?” Gloves peeled off, his hands were flushed and clammy when they reached out for hers, but she held them without a second thought, grateful to feel his warmth beneath her touch. She grinned as she traced over the lines across his nose and cheeks left by his mask, finger dancing across his pink skin until he caught her hand in his, turning his face to kiss her palm.
“Long enough to watch Doctor Zayne hard at work. It went well?” Pulling him down onto the bench with her, she rested her head on his shoulder, the length of the day weighing on her as much as it had him. She’d come straight from overtime at work to the hospital, choosing to enjoy his company, even through a pane of glass, rather than sit in their home alone and wait in the silence.
He hummed thoughtfully, resting his head atop hers. Zayne lay his palm atop hers, spreading her fingers so he could easily intertwine them with his own. “As well as it could. The patient has some recovering to do, and with the progression of their protocore syndrome, I doubt they will recover to their previous level of ability.” Zayne sighed, stroking his thumb across her knuckles. “But he’ll live. At the end of the day that's all we can ask for.”
But is it? She left the conversation at that, allowing him to pull her to the car, taking her back to the familiar warmth of their home. Physical proof of the life they’ve built together. Doctor Paws nestled in his bed, macarons in the fridge, jasmines on the table. All theirs. Yet currently all seemed so terrifyingly fragile.
She let the topic sink back to the depths of her mind once more, where it was safely buried, and could do no more harm to either of them. And there it lay, at least for several weeks, until she was laying in a hospital bed, with no recollection of how she got there. She remembered going to work, talking with Tara, Wanderers, returning to the office…nothing.
“You’re awake.” A soft, sure voice as familiar as her own called out beside her, shifting her head on the pillow until she met Zayne’s tired gaze, the bags under his eyes making that all too familiar guilt stir inside her once more. “How do you feel?”
How did she feel? She almost laughed, but the pain in her chest stopped her in her tracks. Cringing, she moved a sluggish hand to rest over her chest, pressing gently over her heart as if she could physically soothe the ache. Maybe there was something to it, as she found Zayne’s joining her own, almost protectively cradling his palm around her hand, his thumb stroking across her skin soothingly.
“I don’t…what happened? I was at work, and then…” frowning, she did her best to stir her memories, but drew a blank once more.
Zayne sighed, not a sigh of frustration, but one that betrayed the anguish he so skilfully hid from his schooled expression. “You were walking back to your office when Xavier said you began to complain of chest pain. The next thing he knew you were on the floor, unresponsive. It was lucky they were able to get you here as fast as they did. If they hadn’t-“ he cut himself off when his voice cracked, a show of emotion unusual even with her. “You’re alright now. I made sure of that. Now all you need to do is rest, and you’ll be back to normal soon enough.”
She paused, the words from weeks ago dancing on the tip of her tongue. And yet still she hesitated, reluctant to breathe them into existence. To threaten the fragile life they’d so painstakingly built for themselves.
“Is there something wrong, my love?” His voice was softer, leaning in to brush the hair from her face. It had been braided since she’d arrived, Zayne’s handiwork easily recognisable to her, alongside the Jasmine neatly tucked into it. A symbol of his affection, but one that currently resurfaced all her fears and doubts. Maybe he would place jasmines in her hair like this at her funeral?
“What will you do if I don’t get better, Zayne?” The question took him by surprise, confusion briefly flickering across his face before he was able to school it back to a more neutral, diplomatic expression. Undeterred, she took the jasmine from her hair, twirling the stem between her fingertips. “You know as well as I do that it may well happen. You see it every day. One bad episode and their lives are changed forever.”
“You don’t know that will happen-“
“But it might!” Her frustration bubbled over, instantly regretting it when he froze, unsure whether to reach out or give her space to talk. “I’m sorry,” she started, reaching out to take his hand in hers and squeezing it gently, a touch firmly reciprocated, “I try not to think about it. I thought maybe if I ignored it, pretended there was nothing to fear, maybe it would just go away on its own.” She let out a small, depreciating laugh, rubbing her thumb in circles across his hand. “Silly, I know. But it was easier than the alternative.”
“What if the next time I don’t bounce back? What if I can’t rest until I recover, if I can’t go back to the Hunter’s Association? What if I need more care? If I need someone to help me get around, to care for me? What if I don’t get better, Zayne?” All her fears and doubts spilled from her tongue, leaving a sour taste in her mouth as they tumbled from her lips. “I don’t want to do that to you. You have so much you could do with your life, to think of holding you back like that…”
She stopped when she choked up, the words sticking in her throat. They both knew what followed, the words that made her heart ache worse than the disease ever could. She didn’t want pity, not from him. She just wanted him to understand. To see what she was so afraid of, how scared she was to hurt him more than she already had.
The silence that settled over them wasn’t tense, but it lay heavy across the room. It felt like a shroud settled over her heart, waiting for the final death knell on the happiness she had held in her hand for all too brief a time.
When he spoke again, Zayne took both her hands in his, pressing a kiss to each knuckle in turn, resting his forehead against her hands and taking a deep breath before finally meeting her gaze, hazel eyes filled with as much warmth as they were pain.
“To think you could ever hold me back, is to ignore everything you have ever done for me.” He shook his head, pressing another kiss, directly against the ring placed snug on her finger. “You brought warmth into my life when I thought cold was all I would ever know. Each day when I wake up with you in my arms, every second feels like a lifetime, and yet all too short. You’ve brought me a happiness I never truly thought I deserved, yet you give to me as if it were your only desire.”
“I will care for you til my dying breath, my darling. No matter what that looks like, my only wish is to be the one by your side, with your hand in mine through each and every trial we may meet.” Leaning over the bed, Zayne carefully brushed her bangs aside, placing a tender kiss to her forehead. “I’ll never ask that you be well, all I ask is that you be mine, and I will take care of the rest. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
Sniffling, she rubbed her wet cheeks with the back of her arm, lip wobbling as she tried to speak. “It’s- it’s not fair. You come in here and wax poetic- and I sit here blubbering. What am I supposed to say to that?” She pouted in mock frustration, but she couldn’t hide the way her heart wanted to burst from her chest at his words, aching to hold him so tight it hurt.
Zayne chuckled, pressing a kiss to her nose, and each of her wet cheeks, cradling her face in his palm as he hovered inches from her. “Say you’ll let me, sweet girl. That’s all I need to hear, and you’ll never be able to get rid of me if you try.”
She nodded with a wet sniff, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. “I’ll always let you, Zayne. I think if I let you go, my heart would break so badly even you couldn’t fix it.”
His breath ghosted across her lips as he let out a soft laugh, nose rubbing against hers. “Well then, I’ll just have to make sure we never find out.” He pressed his lips to hers so tenderly, cradling her in his palm as if she were something so precious. Not fragile, but something worth protecting, keeping safe. Caring for.
Pulling him closer, Zayne was forced to steady himself with one hand against the thin mattress of the bed, unable to bring himself to pull away as she deepened the kiss. Kissing him until her lungs burned and her heart ached, until the fatigue set into her bones and she could barely keep her hands on him, still clinging to him with what strength she had left in her.
She chased his lips when he pulled back, but Zayne easily eased her back down onto the mattress, her whole body sinking into the bed when the exhaustion finally won out. “Get some rest, my love. We have all the time in the world.” Gentle fingers ran through her hair, her eyes fluttering shut as she let herself cave to the comfort of his touch, sinking into a warm, familiar sleep.
Their bed was much more comfortable than the hospital’s poor excuse for a bed, though she was usually on enough pain meds it didn’t matter too much to her. Still, laying in Zayne’s arms in their bed, her ear pressed to his heart as she soaked in the slow, steady rhythm beneath her, she knew the life they’d created for themselves wasn’t as fragile as she feared, and it would always be there to break her fall, a soft place to land in her doctor’s arms.