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A consistent schedule was not possible as Chief Medical Officer. Emergencies did not happen on neat timetables like planned operations. There was a reality that Julian could and would be called back into the infirmary at random.
This was a fact that Garak understood and had known was a needed circumvention with a relationship with his dear doctor. Said Garak-Bashir had not been included in that decision, and he was not nearly so convinced that this was a fact that should be accepted with an easy grace. This became more apparent when Julian was called away during the start of their bedtime routine.
Bedtime was a sacred order for the young Cardassian. It was a ritual which he had never seen broken once it began. He had not known that it could be interrupted.
The family affair started on the couch. Julian always took the farthest right cushion and armrest for himself, lounging delightedly on a couch designed in a Cardassian scale. Garak would stretch his body across the rest of the couch’s length. His tail settled itself in Julian’s space, laid either over his lap or curled against his side. Said chose where he sat based on who was reading that night.
Julian and Garak had argued over what was appropriate bedtime reading for weeks before settling on a routine which saw them switching who and what would be read. Julian liked to read chapters from the novels he had read in his childhood where Garak favored decidedly drier material. If Julian was not reading himself, he often fell into a light doze, and on those nights, Said was a solid weight against his chest as Julian cradled the boy in his arms. Garak’s voice recounting a Cardassian moral lesson, oftentimes from heart, would set both of them slowly onto the edge of sleep.
There were times where Garak would bemoan his unappreciative audience, claiming Julian was poisoning the future of Cardassia against its literature and history. Julian rarely gave him anymore than a tired smile in response, and if he did rise to the baited remark, the fight they had was a well rehearsed dance. Garak silently relished the display of trust and comfort.
Their routine was broken on one of Garak’s nights. Julian had been on the edge of sleep, absently rubbing a slow circle into Said's back when his commbadge went off. Said jumped and hissed at the intrusion into the quiet, breaking the rhythm of Garak’s voice. Julian arched up off the couch and fished the badge up from where he had set in on the side table. Said was held in place with an arm as Julian moved.
Garak set the padd he was reading off of aside and curled up in a singular, smooth, in-human motion. He pushed Julian’s arm aside before he scooped Said up and off of Julian’s chest. Julian moved to answer the call with a press of two fingers and an acknowledgement. Garak made no attempt to pretend he was not listening to the report alongside Julian.
There had been an accident in engineering. There were no casualties, but there were too many injured for the night staff to handle on their own. Julian glanced at Garak as a nurse requested assistance. Garak gave a nod before he ducked his head to speak softly to the boy in his arms. Julian confirmed that he was on his way, pushing himself up off the couch as he closed the line. The protests from Said grew in volume as he looked between Julian and Garak with increasing upset.
Julian felt rather guilty as he stripped out his sleepwear and worked back into his uniform which had been abandoned on the back of the couch. His warmed pajamas were folded and took its spot. "I'm sorry about this," Julian offered with a strained smile to his partner and their ward. He was surprised by his own reluctance to leave as he ducked down to put his boots on.
"You'll save me a spot in bed?" he asked the floor with an attempt at humor that fell flat. His reluctance bled into his voice and left the question more genuine than he had intended it to be.
"Of course, dear. This is of no consequence," Garak answered breezily. Said's tail knocked against his chest in irritated thumps as he spoke. He never turned his attention away from placating the child squirming in his arms as he dismissed Julian. "Go, I am sure that I can handle bedtime on my own for one night."
Julian could not resist the urge to come over.
He smoothed a hand over Garak's slick hair and trailed it down the start of his sloped neck. He stooped down to press a kiss to his ridged brow. Said clutched at him the moment he was within arms reach, looking up at him with wet eyes. A tiny clawed hand curled into the front of his uniform. It felt like it came around his heart too.
Julian pressed his hand over Said's own and pressed a kiss to his crown. "Be good, alright? I’ll be back soon,” he whispered against the boy’s skin.
"Really, dear. You are going to spoil him," Garak admonished, but there was a curl in the line of his mouth as he gave his complaint. Julian pressed a final kiss to that familiar mouth as he gently pried Said's hand away.
The fussing broke off into a real cry as the confusion and protest gave way into true upset. Julian felt rather guilty as he made his way across the room to the door, looking back helplessly from the hallway as tears pooled and overflowed down the young Cardassian's face. The swish of the door cut off the rising cries and the rumble of Garak's voice.
The next hour and a half was a blur of dermal regeneration and treatment for the inhalation of smoke. Julian remained focused, resisting the urge to check his personal comm whenever there was a pause. Each patient deserved his full attention and the greatest extent of the care that was available here on the station. It was a fact he reminded himself of numerous times when his mind threatened to drift.
As the last patient was ushered out of the infirmary by a nurse or settled into a biobed for observation overnight, he gave into the consistent, nagging urge and pulled out the device which had weighed as a constant reminder in his pocket. Julian wiped a hand over his face as he settled against the counter. He could not deny a shallow sense of embarrassment as a nurse gave him a knowing look. She had two children of her own.
The embarrassment eased, and a lopsided grin pushed onto his face when he saw he had four messages from Garak. He was relieved to see he was not the only one feeling unbalanced at the disruption of their routine. He clicked into the personal communication channel they used.
13:54: Said and I are in bed. Join us when you are able.
14:31 Said is protesting your absence with a game of 'hide and seek'.
14:45: He is not in our quarters.
14:46 Assistance is needed
The smile was gone. Julian left the infirmary in a sprint, unresponsive to the call of his staff behind him.
He came to a clumsy stop as he turned the final corner before their shared quarters and found Garak already in the hallway. His tail swished slowly back and forth as he stalked forward. His gaze was locked firmly on the ceiling.
“Have you found him?” Julian asked. His voice was tight around his concern as he scanned the dim hallway. He squinted into the low light not having the same ease as a Cardassian in the condition. In way of a response, Garak turned sharply and unceremoniously dumped Kukalaka, Said's favorite blanket, and a broom into his arms. Julian blinked in surprise.
"He's in one of the jeffery tubes," Garak said, nodding upwards. Julian noticed then the thudding sound of their ward moving above them as he made his way through the tubing overhead. "You will have to go retrieve him."
Julian blanched, thinking of when he had tried to wrangle Said out from under the couch the week before. He had made a run for it on all fours and dipped under it when Julian mentioned that he needed to get cleaned up after a messy meal. He had firmly wedged himself under the furniture before Julian had been able to circle the table to stop him.
Unfortunately for Said's attempted escape, Julian had a much easier time than Garak getting his body under the furniture. The young boy had made a valiant attempt to bite through Julian's hand at first. Julian’s forearm took the brunt of the clawed toddler’s wrath when that failed to stop Julian from getting a hold of him and pulling him back out.
The childish indignation and anger had disappeared in a moment when Said saw the damage he had caused, unthinking of the ways that Julian's skin differed from a Cardassian's. Julian had juggled the boy in one arm as he wrapped the other in a discarded shirt to keep blood from trailing behind them as he took Said and himself to the infirmary. It had been a long evening, and as cute as Said looked, swinging his feet on the counter, it was not a performance Julian wanted to repeat. Dermal regeneration was not exactly painless.
"Why me?” Julian asked with some desperation as the memory set onto him.
"Come now, dear. I provided you with plenty of protection," Garak responded with a dry humor, motioning with an open gesture to the items he had dropped into Julian’s arm, but he sobered as he looked back up towards the ceiling separating them from Said. "I would do it myself if I could. Those passages are...rather claustrophobic."
Julian cast a glance up too, swallowing and stalling as he gathered the courage to face the wrath of a scorned child. A scorned child with very sharp teeth and claws who was now up past his bedtime. “How did he get out?”
Garak grimaced outright. “It would appear that there was a loose vent behind the couch. Said seems to have been able to unscrew it with his nails and enough motivation.”
Julian had trouble imagining that Garak allowed that while he was awake. "He waited until you fell asleep?"
"Yes," Garak responded with the frown still in place. "I am reluctant to admit it, but he was very clever with his game. I was confident he'd worn himself out with the theatrics. He waited until I dozed off to make his escape."
Julian walked farther down the hall, looking for an entrance into the tubing ahead of Said. "It kept up for a while then?"
"His tantrum?” Garak clarified, but he continued before Julian could answer. “Yes, he managed to keep it going for roughly thirty minutes."
"I wouldn't call it a tantrum," Julain countered as he stopped in front of the entryway to the jeffery tubes. He set the broom aside and settled the heart-print blanket and Kukalaka into the bend of his arm as he worked the door open with the click of disengaged hinges and released pressure. A dim red light flooded the shaft to reveal the internal ladder.
He looked over his shoulder at his partner who had shadowed him down the hall. "He's only got so many ways he can communicate- especially since he's too young to use any assistive communication device without some help," he said, continuing his point.
"This was not a matter of communication." Garak responded with a flush of irritation evident in his voice. "He's a child, and he is mad because he did not get what he wanted. Life will not be so generous as to reward this behavior. It's a lesson he needs to learn."
"Well, I'm more interested in teaching him 'don't crawl into the walls when you're upset with us'," Julian sighed, sidestepping the potential argument on their parenting philosophies. An argument now would just have been an outlet for the concern fraying his nerves.
"We can at least agree on that point." Garak nodded his head in quiet acknowledgement of Julian’s dismissal, knowing better than to chase a fight now. There were more pressing concerns. “Good luck, dear.” Garak’s voice carried a note of apology.
Julian squeezed his arm before he started up the ladder. The space was roughly three feet in diameter. He climbed up six feet before he inched off the ladder into the main system of tubes. The space was not designed to stand in. Rather, it was designed for Cardassians to crawl through them. Julian had to adjust Kukalaka and Said’s blanket again as he settled onto his knees and started to crawl in the direction that he could hear movement.
He moved carefully, trying to limit the sound of his advancement and match his pace to Said’s. He did not want the boy to get spooked and turn around. If he lost him in here, this would become more than just a family matter.
His combadge pinged against his chest like it had read his mind and was personally interested in ruining his night. It seemed particularly loud in the enclosed space. He cast his eyes upwards toward the dark ceiling in silent lament over the situation he found himself in. He could already nearly hear Jadzia's laughter when she found out about this. He tapped the device to open the line. "Bashir."
Odo's gravely voice greeted him. "I received a report from one of your medical staff. Something about you running off like there was a fire on the Promenade. Are you in need of any assistance?"
"No, no. I am alright," Julian assured. He cringed at the echo in the tube. It surely had picked up in the microphone. "Just a bit of family drama."
"Family drama?" Odo repeated back.
"Said is having a rough night. He and Garak were playing a game of hide and seek to tire him out before bed," he paused as though he might be embarrassed. He added on in a softer tone. "I did not want to miss out on the fun."
"I see…," Odo's tone suggested that he did not fully believe Julian's act. There was a pause and then a sigh as the constable relented, lacking any real evidence to call Julian’s bluff. "Well, if that is the case, properly dismiss yourself next time so as not to cause undue commotion.”
"Will do, Odo." He brought his hand back up and cut communication with a tap. He listened in the resulting quiet for movement. There was nothing. Said had stopped his journey forward, having no doubt heard the short transmission. Well, so much for the element of surprise.
"Said?" he called into the darkness ahead of him in reflex. There was no response, but Julian had not expected one from the boy. He had never spoken. Julian started his journey forward again, listening for any sound that might suggest that Said was going to try and make an attempt in the other direction. The silence continued and so did Julian.
Said saw him first in the low lighting. Julian froze when he was greeted with a low hiss. He squinted into the darkness ahead of him and could just make out the outline of Said. “Why don’t you come here? We can go back together. I’m sure you’re tired. I can carry you,” he coaxed softly.
Said was still. Julian braced himself to make a lunge should he make a scuttling retreat, but Said came willingly over to him. Julian let his muscles relax and sat back. He hefted Said up into his arms once he was within reach. Small hands fisted into his uniform, and a soft, hiccupping cry started up in the confined space. Julian shushed him as he settled him more firmly against his front.
Said was cold to the touch. His thin pajamas were not thick enough to insulate him against the cooled air in the tubing. He worked to tuck the patterned blanket around the shivering boy before he offered Kukalaka over. The bear was accepted and sandwiched between their bodies where he disappeared into the folds of the blanket. Julian felt the shadow of a smile on his lips as he gave a silent thank you to his steadfast friend for looking out for Said as he had looked after him. He continued to shush Said gently, patting and rubbing his back in a slow pattern.
Julian did not rush Said as the boy tucked himself down close to him, warming himself against him as he cried. He knew there would be a day soon, sooner than he would like, where Said would be too large for him to easily handle like this. He closed his eyes in the dark, finding he was suddenly rather overwhelmed with the reality that Said would continue to grow.
He could remember when Quark had first presented the egg he had “found”, eager to get it off his hands once he realized there was something living inside of it. Garak had volunteered himself to help look after the egg as the only Cardassian on the station. Julian had not fully understood the decision he made when he placed himself at Garak’s side then. It had been sort of a game at first, playing family when Said was still just an imaginary person growing inside an egg in the infirmary.
He and Garak had not even been in a true relationship when it started. Their lunchtime debates had escalated, but flirtations and a few very stimulating evenings together were not a relationship. It was a boundary that Garak had stressed himself once their interactions had blurred past polite friendship, much to the bruising of Julian’s feelings, but Said had changed things.
Julian could remember when the egg had started to crack. The way he and Garak crowded close to watch as one clawed hand revealed another. A little face had appeared next, half-blind, slick with albumen, and rather blue around the lips but decidedly perfect. Julian had reached out then, ready to pull Said free, but Garak had caught his wrist.
“He must emerge on his own,” Garak’s voice had been strained, and Julian could feel the way his hand trembled where it held him. The slip in his composure was enough to keep him still. They watched together as Said pulled himself free and onto the table with sluggish, labored movements. Once he was clear of the shell, Julian picked him up out of the mess. Said had fit comfortably into both his hands as Julian moved to clean him up.
Julian had delivered children and handled newborns before. It was always a powerful moment, but he knew it was different this time. He could not acknowledge it then, so he had moved through checking Said’s condition. The blue-tone had already started to fade from around his mouth and at his extremities as he took in shuddering breaths. He certainly had been breathing well enough to cry. He was less active than Julian would have liked, but he was healthy and there.
“Have you settled on a name, dear?” Garak’s voice had broken from his reverie as he admired the infant held in his hands..
The flash of his favorite uncle’s bright grin and humor had come to mind. A stark contrast to his father's serious demeanor. “Said,” Julian responded instantly.
“Said Garak-Bashir,” Garak had mused aloud, taking the cleaned infant from Julian's suddenly numb hands. Garak spoke in a low, hissing hum that Said had responded to instinctively. Julian had watched as Garak tucked the child into the front folds of his tunic and realized rather belatedly his life had just changed.
The reality of being a parent had not settled onto Julian as easily as it seemed to with Garak. He had felt helpless and not entirely enough while Garak seemed to take it all in with a quiet contemplation and ease that had been frustrating in its own right. Those first few weeks went by in a blur of petty arguments over clothing and schedules and seemingly everything else.
It had hit a critical point around the three month mark. Cardassian infants are able to speak rather quickly after their emergence, but Said had remained quiet. He cried and made some occasional low hissing sounds, but he made no attempts at parroting back any of the Kardasi that Garak had taken to speaking each night.
Julian had thrown himself into finding an answer, a solution, to the perceived problem, unthinking of the root of his desire. Garak stopped him on the third day of his research. His tone had been careful as he explained to Julian that while children were adored on Cardassia, disabled children were given as much grace as orphans, the many unwanted sons and daughters of Cardassia. He explained gentler still that Said had likely been abandoned for this reason alone, but there was nothing to ‘fix’. The boy simply did not speak.
Julian would like to pretend that he had reacted with grace or some sliver of composure. The truth had been less flattering. He cringed around the memory of the following days, skirting around them as he pulled Said closer to him. He pressed a kiss to his crown.
Julian had told Garak the truth about his own childhood the night he finally had reached a critical mass on his conflict, and while things had not been perfect, their dynamic had begun to settle as one truth slowly encouraged another. They traded flashing glimpses into their childhoods under the cover of night. It was easier curled together in the dark. The sound of Said's breathing a quiet metronome, pacing these confessions.
Julian dismissed the melancholy twist of his thoughts with a sigh. He just wanted to go to bed with his family.
Julian pressed another kiss to Said’s crown before he leaned back and set his other arm on the ground behind his back. It helped to stabilize him as he shuffled backwards towards the open entrance into the tubes. Said hissed a complaint, but he settled into the rhythm of Julian's movements as he worked them in a left to right inch backwards.
It was slow going and rather awkward. Said's tears had settled into sniffles by the time Julian had to shift them around to exit back into the hallway. He hesitated at the ladder and stuck his head down into the shaft, calling for Garak. His partner's face appeared and turned up towards him moments later.
"I need my hands for the ladder. Can you grab him?" Julian asked with a suppressed grin, amused by the sight of Garak's neck craning into the space.
Garak's face disappeared and was replaced by two clawed hands. Julian peeled Said from his chest. The boy squirmed in his hold, but Julian was well-practiced in keeping ahold of squirmy Cardassians. He lowered him carefully down into Garak's awaiting hold. Said disappeared out into the hallway along with Garak.
Julian took the ladder two rungs at a time. Said whined and reached out for him when he stepped back out into the hallway. Garak passed him over without having to be asked, knowing the boy was seeking out heat just as much as he was comfort. Julian hefted him against his chest again. He ran a hand soothingly through his hair as a cold scaled face was pressed into the curve of his neck. Garak stepped around him and moved to seal the entrance to the tubes.
Julian watched, appreciating the line of Garak’s back. His familiar, bright eyes cut Julian's way once the door engaged with a low pop of suction as the pressure reengaged. Julian did not pretend to be doing anything other than staring and remained still as Garak came into his space. When they had first met, he had been intimidated by his bulk and the looming stance Garak tended to take when having to stoop down to speak with humans or bajorans.
He was far from intimidated now as Garak spoke softly against his ear, urging him back to their quarters and out of the cold hallway. Julian entered the room first and felt his eyebrows climb when he found the couch thrown onto its front several feet from the wall. While the open vent and grate cover revealed the truth of Garak’s claim that Said had escaped from right under his nose, it was more shocking to see a display of strength like this from Garak. It was a break in the maintained facade of the mild-mannered tailor.
Garak did not even try to afford an air of embarrassment as he crowded Julian and Said against the now closed door. Julian was quiet as Garak pressed his face into his free shoulder. His right arm came to wrap around Julian and Said, locking them in place against his chest. Julian rested his cheek against Garak in turn. Garak pulled away on his own after several minutes in the quiet embrace, making a show of adjusting his clothing and smoothing down his hair. He finally acknowledged the couch and the general disarray of their quarters. “I will tidy up here. You get yourself and Said ready for bed.”
Julian's bemused humor at the shift was clear on his face. “Yes, darling,” he responded with a tone of mock reserve. He did not go as far as to salute as he made his way into the bedroom, but it was a near thing.
Said was deposited gently onto the bed. Tired eyes drifted open, and he gave a groggy complaint as he lost contact with the heat of Julain’s skin. Julian did not give him time to fight the adjustment, wrapping and tucking him into the sheets of the bed. He left the patterned one underneath.
Julian moved back and deliberated on what pajama pieces he would wear to bed. “I have another story for you tonight, Said,” Julian started as he pushed through the options in his wardrobe.
“See, I was about your age when Kukalaka got hurt. Nothing serious, just a bit of lost stuffing. I fixed him right up and told him I didn’t mind the new stitches. They add character, my friend,” he quoted himself in the voice he liked to use during his nights reading. He cast a look over his shoulder. Heavy eyes were focused on him, listening as the bear in question was snuggled more securely to Said’s chest. Julian continued as he turned forward. “Kukalaka didn’t believe me. He thought I would find a new friend. Someone with bigger eyes or softer fur- and no sewn up holes. He didn't listen when I told him I like his eyes. They remind me of gumdrops, my friend. He didn't listen when I told him I liked his fur. It never tangles or gets in the way, my friend.”
“I promised him that he would always be my friend, but that did not mean we would always be together,” he paused as he pulled out just a pair of silk sleep pants. There was a matching top, but he knew anything else would be abandoned in the heated conditions of their quarters. They kept them warm for Said's sake. He kept the story going as he changed. “I forgot him when I went to school next. We had been separated before, but it was different this time. Kukalaka thought to himself that if he did not find me at school then he would never see me again. He thought I would have found a new friend by the time I saw him next, and then, what would he do?
He said to himself: No, I am going to go find Julian myself! He had gone to school a hundred times before. How hard would it be to make it on his own?” Julian afforded Kukalaka a more posh voice as he reclaimed his uniform, waiting for the whirr of the machine to quiet before speaking again. “But teddy bear legs aren’t very long, are they?
He hadn't even made it down the driveway before he needed to rest. He laid back on the warm pavement, and he thought that a little nap would do him some good. When he opened his eyes again, he found himself someplace new. Lost someplace dark and smelly with no friend in sight he started to cry. He said to himself: Oh, you’ve really done it now, Kukalaka.
You can imagine how upset I was when I got home, and I found my best friend missing. I thought to myself that surely he must be under the bed.” Julian made a show of looking under their bed. He watched a smile push onto Said’s face.
“No, Kukalaka,” he emphasized. “So, I thought he must have gotten lost in the sheets.” Said’s thin laughter bubbled up into the space as Julian rolled him back and forth, peeking into the dark confines of the fabric on either side of him. Said made an attempt to hide Kukalaka, and Julian let his eyes run over him, unseeing. “No, Kukalaka!”
“I looked everywhere, but my friend was still missing. I didn’t know what to do, so I went to my mother. I cried: Māmān! Māmān! Kukalaka is gone! And do you know what she said?” Dark eyes stared up at him. Said shook his head in the negative.
“She told me she would get me a new toy- that I could pick out anyone I wanted when we went to the store next. I stamped my foot and said: No! No! Māmān, Kukalaka is my friend! You cannot replace him with another toy. Even if he had the same gumdrop eyes,” Julian smoothed a thumb over the lower ridge of Said's eye. “Or the same soft fur,” His hand took up a slow path through the boy's hair next. “He would never be my Kukalaka. My mother didn't understand, but she helped me look. We found Kukalaka in the trash.”
Julian took a more serious tone now. “Kukalaka made a mistake going out on his own. If I hadn't found him, he could have gotten hurt or lost for good. He should've waited for me to get home or asked for help from someone bigger."
"You scared us tonight, Said,” Julian finished softly. Said turned his face away. His mood drooped as he sniffled, but he had worn himself out too greatly for anymore tears.
“There are going to be times where I have to leave for a while because it's my job to make sure everyone stays healthy, and sometimes people get sick when we don't want them too, like during storytime, but I'll come back. Do you want to know why?” Julian waited until Said looked at him again. He leaned close and pressed his forehead to Said’s. It was an entirely Cardassian gesture, but Julian thought it fitting for the moment. “Because I've only got one Kukalaka, and now, I've only got one Said, and I could never find another quite like you. The nose wouldn't be right or the eyes would have too many ridges. No, no, I'm quite content with the Said I've got.”
Julian glanced over at Garak who had stationed himself in the doorway through the tail end of his story when he broke apart from Said. He moved now that Julian was done, quietly thankful his partner had taken the lead on expressing that this had not been acceptable. Neither Tolan and Enabran had prepared him well for navigating these situations with a delicate or caring hand. The consolation came more naturally to Julian.
Garak could not deny his thought that they treated the boy too gently but was there truly harm in treating a child as such? In sheltering him while they could? Enabran's answer came to him first, but Garak let it settle in favor of his own. His attempt at family would never reach standard. Two abandoned sons of Cardassia and a Federation careerman were more likely to be used as an example of the trappings of sentiment rather than a touching story, but Garak still coveted this little bit of home with the same finality as he had the burning rush of the wire.
“I had no idea that you and Kukalaka had gotten up to such antics together. I fear he might be a corrupting influence on our dear Said.” Garak remarked simply because he knew it would make Julian smile. They moved through the motions of settling into their bed as they teased back and forth about the bear’s character. Said curled into himself with Kukalaka clutched at his middle like he might defend the bear from Garak’s dismissal. Garak placed himself around the boy, keeping him close and safe against himself. He resisted the urge to curl closer than he had earlier in the night. Julian took the farthest right edge of the bed and tucked the covers around Garak and Said before he settled down.
His human partner was warm and slightly damp where he made himself comfortable in a languid line against Garak’s back. Garak shifted and draped his tail across the bony protrusions of Julain’s ankle. The doctor called for the computer to cut the lights, and Garak felt a kiss against the back of his neck.
“Goodnight, dear,” Garak said into the dark.
Julian’s response was mouthed against his skin. “Goodnight, darling.”