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It was so painfully obvious to everybody but them.
Side glances, sighs, feather-like touches on the back, encouraging words, worrying about each other.
Eijun had always believed that the only purpose Kuramochi had for him was being a punching bag; but he couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if he was more to him than that.
Ever since he joined the baseball team, being in the mound made him feel like he could conquer the world.
It was exciting; the team behind you, wishing you luck. Even if they didn’t say anything, Eijun knew they all trusted him to be their ace for the time being, it made him feel complete, but not even that sensation made him feel as good and as vast as being close to Kuramochi.
Youichi always tried to be easy going and as relaxed as possible, people trusted him when they needed help. He was really perceptive and could tell if something was wrong, even if they didn’t say anything. The people who knew him, the people he considered his friends, could feel better just by being in his presence.
Before he came to Seido, he had different friends, he did different things. He used to hear about girl’s drama in his classroom, betrayal and the like. It all seemed pretty far off and silly to him. He knew his friends would never do that to him... or so he thought.
Ever since the day he experienced betrayal first hand, he stopped trusting people. At first it was something he did consciously, but it had gotten out of hand and now he couldn’t trust anybody, not even his teammates; and it honest to God made him feel horribly.
The first year in Seido was hell. He didn’t know anybody and he was reluctant of getting close to people, scared even. Still, he somehow managed to get some “friends”. Even if they were as shitty as Miyuki was.
The second year, however, Sawamura arrived. The first impression Youichi got of him was loud; he was really loud and annoying but his decisiveness made him interesting.
That was exactly the word; Sawamura was interesting. Even the way he played baseball was. Youichi loved to see all the different expressions Sawamura had, whether he was happy, depressed or even mad. His favorites, however, were the ones Sawamura reserved for him.
Though he didn’t want to accept it, he knew Sawamura was a good pitcher, and he knew nobody enjoyed being a pitcher as much as Sawamura did, not even Furuya.
Just seeing him every day in the field, whether he was running or throwing, made Youichi feel at ease, like he belonged.
Being in the dorm, hearing Sawamura breathing softly underneath him, made him forget all his worries; it was like a lullaby. He wanted to be able to trust people again, that was the way Sawamura made him feel.
When Sawamura got the yips, Youichi felt like he was the one with them, even though he performed perfectly in every practice, while Sawamura could barely touch a ball.
To see him like that, made Kuramochi wish he was the one with the yips. Part of him knew he’d get better in no time, but a bigger part felt like he’d never have his Sawamura back. The loud, annoying one, the one he liked.
Every day in practice made Eijun love baseball more, made him love his team more. He wanted to play baseball with them forever.
He’d come so far, he wanted his teammates to see his progress and how much he’d improved thanks to them.
Although the first year was hellish, it didn’t matter to him now because he knew it made him better, the yips made him better, Chris made him better, being the last player made him better, even Furuya made him be better.
And yet, with all the good things surrounding him, every night Eijun went to sleep with the thought of eventually leaving his teammates, or his teammates leaving him.
It aggravated him more, because now in his second year, he only had one year left with his upperclassmen, or with Kuramochi.
He didn’t like to lie to himself. Everyday he thought about telling Kuramochi how he felt. It’d been so long since he realized that what Kuramochi made him feel, was more than appreciation for his teammate, it was love.
He wasn’t afraid to admit that much to himself; he loved Kuramochi. It started with interest to the way Kuramochi was. The way he usually looked so easy going, yet he didn’t let people get near him, not even Miyuki or Maezono.
It gradually became a crush, waking up in the same room as Kuramochi made him feel giddy with happiness. Knowing how he looked with his hair down, or his sleepy face, their usual morning routine, how used to each other they were.
But then, the fire in his heart every time he saw Kuramochi was almost unbearable. Every day was a nightmare, trying to cover his feelings some way. How he had to force himself not to look his way. How he wished he could smell Kuramochi’s shirts, or to be embraced by him. It was so painful, the need to fall asleep next to Kuramochi, to hug him, cuddle him, kiss him, he was so close and yet so far.
Eijun didn’t know what to do, he tried so hard to concentrate in practice, but sometimes almost automatically his eyes drifted to the shortstop position. A few times he caught Kuramochi watching him back but it usually made him feel bad because he knew Kuramochi was just expecting the ball to go his way.
He really was running out of time, Eijun knew he had to do it, he had to confess, sooner and not later.
Youichi had everything planned; he would just tell him he liked him. No room for nervousness or doubts.
Lately he’d been watching Sawamura more, and he’d been caught… more than once, although he didn’t know why Sawamura looked so weird after he caught him. Maybe the pitcher already knew about Youichi’s feelings and felt disgusted?
He thought about that sometimes, Sawamura feeling disgusted every time he saw Kuramochi. Avoiding him in the halls or the field, not looking his way. It sounded like something Sawamura would do.
It made him doubt his decision to finally confess, but the last match made Youichi change his mind about keeping his feelings to himself.
He went, like usual, to encourage Sawamura to the mound, but as soon as he kicked him in the butt with his knee and grabbed him by the shoulders, Sawamura’s scent slapped him, or at least that’s how Youichi felt. The smell of home. The smell of lazy mornings and bed hair, bumping against each other when they were both half asleep and Sawamura’s hair ruffling above Youichi’s ear.
To be honest, Youichi couldn’t contain himself anymore, this was his senior year, after this, he’ll probably not see Sawamura for a long time, if not the rest of his life and if that’s how things were going to be, Youichi at least had this year to make it up.
He was prepared for Sawamura saying no, or taking it as a joke. He was even prepared for the awkwardness in the dorm after the confession, but it didn’t matter. He was going to do it.
Tonight is the night, thought Eijun. After dinner, I’ll tell him. He had been preparing for weeks. He needed to get it out.
I’ll do it after dinner, thought Youichi. There’s no way back. No matter what happens.
The room was completely dark when Eijun got in, he’d left Asada back after he almost puked all over his shirt because he couldn’t take all the three bowls of rice. He closed the door slowly and headed to his bed to wait for Kuramochi. He didn’t have to wait long. Actually he didn’t have to wait at all because Kuramochi was sitting in Eijun’s bed with a serious look.
There was an awkward silence, it probably was just two or three minutes, but it feel more like hours.
Ok, so thinking how to confess was out of the question now. Maybe he should just get it out, no sugarcoating just… just…
“I need to tell you something.” Burst out both of them at the same time.