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I can't fully explain the way my vision went fuzzy when Gurathin was shoved to the ground, I looked into his unfocused eyes while he curled into himself, and realized he'd been drugged. There was a sudden flash of feeling, and then the idea of pushing these humans out an airlock seemed like too much of a mercy.
I didn’t think Mensah noticed it yet. She was trying to keep negotiations going while I scanned the room for any reason why I shouldn’t just grab Gurathin off the floor and pull these humans’ arms out of their sockets. (Yes, it was concerning that I was getting creative with my violent fantasies.) So far I… really wasn’t finding anything. No Combat Bots, no SecUnits, not even a fucking drone. My drones were hiding in the corners of the room. I wasn’t there because they only agreed to meet Mensah without security or weapons, which was so standard that they probably still should have been expecting me to be standing outside the door. But my drones were showing me that no, they were armed, and one of their guns was pretty big, but they didn’t have anything I couldn’t take out immediately.
They were rambling on about something to do with a documentary and…shit. They’d taken him because of me? It was at this moment my memory banks unhelpfully reminded me that today Gurathin had agreed to meet Dr. Bharadwaj to discuss what it was like to absorb me into his augments. She thought his specific understanding of me, after he’d nearly exploded his brain trying to hold me inside of it, might help other humans relate to and empathize with me, and by extension, SecUnits. He’d told me this last night. He’d even asked what I’d prefer he didn’t share, which was thoughtful considering how much shit I usually gave him about it. Not that he didn’t give it right back.
Well, now I was even more pissed. And also confused. These were amateurs. They had no security and very few people. Their entire idea was to kidnap whichever poor bastard Mensah knew that they could catch wandering alone, hold them until Mensah showed up, and then make her agree to make some sort of statement against bot autonomy and/or discourage the making of the documentary. Which yeah, maybe that’d make the Corporation temporarily happy, but everyone on Preservation would smell the bullshit from thousands of miles away and that alone would call into question her statements.
I glanced back down at Gurathin while Mensah attempted to coax out of the leader who the humans worked for. The leader tried to be smart and said something about working for the galaxy's mutual interest in human decency and guaranteed jobs, but given that Preservation already offered both of those things to everyone, and not just to humans, it was clear they worked in the Corporation Rim. They were too disorganized to be directly working for the Corporation, but it was likely they were a result of one of the underground, pro-Corporation extremist groups. Because somehow humans could see how the Corporation screwed everyone over, and would still push for the rich fucks who ran it to get everything they wanted on the off chance they ended up rich too. Something about that stuck with me, and I put it together about five minutes after I should have. Yes, it was embarrassing.
That motherfucker. Gurathin had decided to make an example of them by letting them kidnap him, knowing I’d have no problem taking them out and getting him back. Instead of letting their incompetent plan fizzle out so they could try something bigger later on, he'd decided to embarrass them on front page news and ruin their reputation. It made sense. Even the Corporation would have to publicly denounce them now. Except now Gurathin was drugged, face down on the floor after years of sobriety, chest rising and falling as if he was trying to fight off a panic attack. The self-sacrificing bastard. I wasn't going to make him wait any longer for me to get my shit together.
I'm coming in, I sent Mensah over the feed.
But we still don't know what's going on, SecUnit.
Ask Gurathin later.
I kicked open the door and immediately directed the energy weapon in my right arm at the knee of the human carrying the biggest gun. They hit the ground with a grunt and I kicked their gun away from them. I dodged a hasty blast from a smaller energy weapon on my right and slammed my entire arm into the leader's stomach. She choked on air while her knees gave out. Then, just to be vindictive, I took her energy weapon and used it to smash the guy who'd thrown Gurathin on the ground in the face. He dropped with a whine. I saw two others start to run, and, honestly, I could have let them go. I could have. But I sent one of my drones down to shoot a pulse of energy in their direction and watched them writhe on the floor, instead. The drone sparked and fell to the floor. I'd redirected too many of its power systems for the job. Well shit. That was another one I'd have to replace. I tried to decide if it had been worth it. It definitely didn't make me feel any better.
I took a few seconds to ping station security, and in those few seconds I heard a scrambling noise and sensed sudden movement on my left. I turned to find Gurathin making himself smaller in the corner while Mensah gingerly pulled her hand back to her side. I played back the footage from my remaining drone and watched Mensah crouch down, attempt to reach out to place a hand on his back, and immediately recoil as Gurathin hurriedly increased the distance between them.
He doesn’t want you to see him like this, I explained. If Mensah helped me get clean and found me drugged and vulnerable, I also wouldn’t want her in a ten mile radius.
Can you try to help him, then? She asked gently.
I’ll try.
I stepped towards him carefully, pointedly not staring him down. I used my drone to read his body language so I didn't have to look at him directly. It was so he didn't feel uncomfortable. It definitely wasn't because seeing him like this decreased my performance reliability by almost 10%. He didn't move away from me, so that was a success. He was shaking, but he still let me approach. I didn’t touch him, I wasn’t sure either of us could handle that, but I shielded him from Mensah.
Thank you, He sent over private feed. He closed his eyes and continued to shake.
I decided to stay crouched in front of him. I made sure I kept Mensah out of view and I glared at the security team so they knew not to come near him. I turned up my body heat to help with his shivering, although there was only so much I could do there. It wasn’t likely the shivering had anything to do with cold.
When security had cleared the hostile humans and cleared us to take Gurathin to MedSystem, I gripped him gently by his elbow and guided him to the medical wing. Even with that he was unsteady on his feet, but I wasn’t about to pick him up and cause an internal implosion for the both of us.
When we made it to the medical wing I helped him lay down next to MedSystem. Gurathin still looked panicky, and as much as a sedative would have taken care of that, pumping more drugs into his system was likely to traumatize him even further. I ended up standing beside him until he started looking more coherent, and then I left him alone to wait with Mensah until he was ready to talk. Hopefully not to me. I wasn’t good at talking about feelings.
When he finally emerged, eyes red, head lowered, and hands shoved so deeply in his hoodie pockets that I couldn’t tell where they were, I had the urge to get up and leave. But I didn’t want to leave him there. So I stayed.
“Gura, are you okay?” Mensah stood, but she didn't move closer.
“I’m not hurt if that’s what you’re asking,” Gurathin said shortly. He was often an asshole when he was uncomfortable.
“They didn’t do anything to you?”
“I think the drugs were enough.”
“Did you take them willingly or did they force you?”
My head snapped towards Mensah so fast I could almost hear metal shrieking against my organics.
“Do you think I relapsed?” Gurathin asked. He sounded calm but his eyes were cold.
“I don’t know, Gura. I just know that getting kidnapped by a group as unexperienced as this isn’t like you,” Mensah replied without judgement.
But Gurathin was absolutely taking this as judgement. Fucking hell. Thinking he relapsed was probably exactly what he was afraid she’d do.
“After everything you helped me through, you think I'd drop it all for a handful of idiots who didn't wipe their records before getting their IDs scanned by station security?” Gurathin looked tired.
“I wasn’t trying to accuse you. Creators, I didn't mean to imply relapsing is a moral failing, either. Please, just talk to me.”
“I was trying to get them caught, Ayda. It was stupid, and when they realized I was repulsed by stimulants they drugged me, and it ended the way it was supposed to anyways. That’s all. I really don’t want to have this conversation with you anymore. I’m going to my quarters.”
“Gura…” But he was gone. Mensah turned towards me with a sigh. “I couldn’t have fucked that up more thoroughly, could I?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“I can’t believe I immediately brought up relapsing! What’s wrong with me?”
“I’m not sure I’m the person to ask.” The problem was, I could see where she was coming from. Her brain didn't compute facts at the same rate mine did, and if she hadn't had the time to come to the conclusion I had, the idea that he may have already been drugged would make the ease of his kidnapping make sense.
“This is the second time I accused him of relapsing without evidence. The first time he had just downloaded you into his augments. He was so ill. He let it go, then.” Mensah was looking at me strangely.
This was news to me. The fact that he had decided I was more important in that moment than defending himself to Mensah was taking my processors a few additional seconds.
“Well, he’s not an addict but he’s definitely a self-sacrificial bastard.”
“He is.” Mensah frowned. “Can you talk to him?”
“About being a self-sacrificial bastard?”
“No, SecUnit. Just talk. I don’t think he should be alone right now, and I also think he needs some time away from me.”
“I…ok.” Here we go. I started following the path he'd taken to his quarters.
“Thank you.”
I made my way up several levels to where his quarters sat in PresAux crew’s shared living space. His room was the most isolated, and I took the extra seconds it took to walk back there to come up with something to say to him.
What I said when I got to the door was, “You going to let me in?”
Real smooth, Murderbot.
After a few seconds of silence the door slid open, and my drones (I'd replenished one while waiting for Gurathin,) followed me into the room. Gurathin had his face tilted downwards so I couldn’t pick up his expression with my drones. I huffed. I didn’t like making eye contact but, for whatever reason, I had always found it easier with him. And I was pretty sure it was about to be necessary in a second if his shaking shoulders were any indication. I let my drones fall back to the corners of the room and approached myself, slowly and carefully lowering to a knee in front of him. He had his hands pressed over his face to hide it, and although his body language betrayed his distress, he was remaining so quiet I couldn’t fully tell what was wrong.
After an exhale he moved his hands, wiping swiftly at his eyes. So he was definitely crying. And with the set of his jaw, I knew he was trying to stop the tears as quickly and efficiently as possible. If I knew my humans well, and I did, Gurathin was going to try to brush me off. As if he hadn’t been sitting here crying when I walked in. Might even make me seem like I was overreacting for closing the distance between us, the asshole.
So I didn’t let him.
“Would you object if I touched you?”
Whatever Gurathin had been expecting, I caught him off guard. He looked up at me immediately, eyes watery and bloodshot but wide with surprise. Then his lips twisted into a frustrated frown.
“You don’t have to do this because you feel obligated to comfort me, Sec-Unit. Just,” He turned away to wipe his eyes again, “Just give me a minute.”
I took a gamble. With a slightly unsteady hand, (I wasn’t used to comforting people and I was even less used to being comfortable adding any physicality to the shitty attempts at comfort I had already tried,) I placed a finger under his chin and tilted his head up. And there was that eye contact, strangely comforting despite everything. It didn’t make me want to go around and make eye contact with everyone. But it didn’t make me feel awkward or unsafe either.
Gurathin looked a mix of thoroughly startled and extremely flustered.
“Can you listen to me for once?”
“I…yeah. Sorry,” Gurathin murmured, defeated. I felt like I’d kicked a puppy.
“No, you don’t have to…” I gave myself a fraction of a second to reorganize my thoughts into something coherent. “Having my boundaries respected is new for me. It’s nice, but it doesn’t mean you can decide when I push them. And if I decide to push them when I’m trying to take care of you, you have to figure out how to live with that.”
Gurathin exhaled shakily and rubbed at a spot on his forehead. I couldn’t tell if he was annoyed or exhausted, maybe both, but to my genuine surprise he didn’t protest. He broke eye contact which, yeah, can’t really blame him. It’s uncomfortable to have someone stare right at you and tell you they care about you. Hell, I don’t even know how I’d managed this long. But when I moved my hand up to wipe a tear from his cheek, (This was acceptable only because this was the least disgusting human fluid,) Gurathin absentmindedly leaned into my fingers. It was slight, but notable given how rigidly he’d held his limbs since I’d maintained skin-to-skin contact.
“This is…it’s wasted on me, you realize? Eventually the established fuck-up has to sit with the consequences of his actions.”
“I’d be happy to respond to something that makes sense.”
This earned me a pointed glare, which was better than quiet weeping so I counted it as a win.
“I fucked up my plan so badly I might as well have relapsed, and I pushed Ayda away, and I've given her no reason to trust me, and I…” Gurathin’s eyes began to fill with tears again. I felt entirely out of my depth. It was hard to figure out exactly where that feeling was coming from. There was sadness, yes, but it ached in a way I’d never experienced. I realized I would do anything to stop his tears, and it was frustrating me that I didn’t know how. I had an idea. It was a stupid one, but it was an idea.
Carefully, I let my thumb come down to brush his bottom lip. This, I’d have to be careful about. I was only willing to deal with one bodily fluid right now, and I definitely didn’t want to messily attack his face like all of the characters on Sanctuary Moon did.
“Murderbot, what are you doing?” Gurathin managed to force from his throat with distinguishable effort. “You don’t want to kiss me.”
“Bullshit. You didn’t relapse, you were drugged. Mensah jumped to a conclusion she had no evidence for and respected when you needed time alone afterwards. And I absolutely want to fucking kiss you.”
“I don’t…”
“Do you not want me to kiss you?”
“No! I mean, yes I do but I…”
I decided he was probably going to regret it later if I let him ramble on for much longer, so I leaned in and gently brushed my lips against his. He stayed still, not making contact aside from what I was already initiating. His lips were soft.
I pulled away slightly, trying to gage his reaction. He seemed reluctant to pull away himself, eyes wet and dazed, fingers flexing but still not touching. I guided his hand to my wrist and slowly moved back in. He took the hint, letting our lips brush dryly together again but now gripping my wrist just inches from where my hand brushed his cheek. For this kiss his eyes fluttered shut and he tilted his head, slotting our lips together in a way that was unexpectedly satisfying; like finding the last sequence in a code.
The kiss wasn’t objectively long, but by the time I pulled away his eyes had dried somewhat and, though he was slightly panting, his breaths came out more even. So, mission accomplished? I guess?
Can I ask why you did that? Gurathin was looking at me, still a bit dazed, and I guessed he didn’t trust the stability of his voice at the moment. I switched over to our private feed with him.
Yes, if you don’t expect me to have a satisfying answer.
You don’t know? Gurathin snorted, but I couldn’t tell if it was self depreciating or amused. I was finding that Gurathin could be difficult to read. Either that or I wasn't as focused as I usually am. Huh.
I wanted you to stop crying. Not in the “shut the fuck up” way, more in the “I don’t like when you’re upset” way. Gurathin sighed and I got the feeling I had failed to salvage whatever it was I was trying to say.
Sacrificing your comfort to make me less upset genuinely makes me more upset, Murderbot.
Failing to recall when I said I was uncomfortable. I’d ask if it was a storage space issue but you’re the one with the inferior storage.
Do you have to mock my augments in every conversation? Gurathin lifted an eyebrow.
Yes. Also, you changed the subject.
I know. I’m struggling to figure out what this means. Were you trying to comfort me? Were you just curious? Do you have some sort of romantic feelings that caused this? I associate kissing with a romantic connection, but I don’t want you to think I’m expecting that from you. If that’s not what you feel, tell me immediately. I get too attached too quickly. Ask Ayda.
Those were a lot of questions to deal with at once, and I think my systems must have done a soft reboot because I realized that far too much time had passed (Far too much for me, it was only six seconds,) with me staying awkwardly quiet. Gurathin made a small distressed sound.
Fuck. I’m sorry. I’m interrogating you again.
Stop being sorry. It’s getting annoying.
I’ll add it to my list of traits you find annoying.
You have one of those? I glanced over in time to see him roll his eyes.
If I do, I clearly don’t give enough of a shit to consult it.
Gurathin was using banter to drag us back to a place in the conversation where I could choose not to answer any of his questions. It was a nice gesture, but also a way to avoid either of us having to continue being vulnerable. And while I hated being vulnerable, I hated even more that he thought his vulnerability was somehow burdening me. I pushed forward.
I don’t know what romantic feelings are supposed to feel like. Media makes them seem either irritating or repulsive, but then I thought about kissing you and...uh. The point is, I do feel something when I'm with you. Some days it’s satisfying and on days like today it aches, but it doesn't go away. Actually, I'm incorrect, you don't have to be with me for me to feel it. ART harassed me about it when I was traveling with it. But if this is romantic it’s not the kind where we do anything with body fluids, because I’d rather incinerate myself.
Gurathin was staring at me with his mouth agape. It should look ridiculous, it did look ridiculous, except his eyelashes looked so long when they were wet, and his brown eyes looked so dark, and I had to fucking snap out of this except I said:
"You're beautiful."
I said this out loud. Like a moron. Gurathin flushed a pink color and hid his face behind painted nails again.
"Please tell me this isn’t the drugs," He whispered so softly, and so muffled, I was certain another human wouldn't have been able to pick it up. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to hear it either, but I responded anyways.
"MedSystem flushed all stimulants out of your system."
"Oh great," He said like he didn't think anything was great, and then he grabbed my hand, and then he dropped it, and then I picked his hand back up again. He squeezed hard. "What if I do relapse? You know parts of it...felt good, right? What if you're putting in all this effort and I prove you wasted your time?"
"The likelihood of you relapsing is sitting at 7%." I narrowed my eyes at him. "I don't understand why you're trying to make me dislike you. At what point, when you decided to give yourself up to protect Mensah and I, did you think ‘My existence is now meaningless and Murderbot will hate me forever’?”
"That's simplifying a profoundly stupid plan."
"My plans are always stupid. Yours was brave."
"I... don't know that I've ever thought of myself as brave."
"You're protective, which is bold for one of the least physically intimidating humans I've encountered."
"You're such a dick," Gurathin laughed.
"And you're an asshole. We're even."
I sat back on my knees, taking him in.
"You look better."
And he did. Color had returned to his face, his breathing had returned to a normal rhythm, and his expression had brightened. Maybe I should have started with the 7% thing. Oh well.
"I'm sure I look less like I'm having a panic attack."
"That's part of it."
"And the other part?"
For what may have been the first time, the heat in my face increased by a considerable margin. I was so glad ART wasn't here to harass me about this too. The quirk of Gurathin's lips turned into a self-satisfied smirk. Ok, I was done making eye contact. I pulled a drone forward, but I didn't let go of his hand.
"Are you going to talk to Dr. Mensah? She wants to apologize."
"She said that?"
"She informed one of my drones of it .5 seconds into our first kiss, but I chose to ignore it."
"Uhhh... Thanks. I think." Gurathin got up and then paused, face falling. "Creators, I don't want her to apologize to me."
"I think she needs it. If it’s too much, we come back up here and I force you to take a rest cycle like a responsible human instead of letting you power through three different emotional crises.”
He looked longingly at his bed.
“A rest cycle would be nice.”
“We could do the rest first, if you prefer.”
“Would you leave?”
“Do you want me to leave?”
I studied him now. The uncertainty but the resilience behind it. The strength persevering after being beaten down. I watched him gather his bravery again.
“I don’t.”
I tugged him by our entwined hands over to the bed and released him so he could situate himself under the covers. I sat on the edge of the bed, felt awkward, then climbed up to lay next to him, instead. I also upped my body heat again. It had kind-of worked the first time. Gurathin nestled into the heat unconsciously, not fully touching me except that his forehead fell to my chest. He jerked back when he did it, I could tell it was an accident, but I guided his head back to my chest and studied the sensation of my fingers lingering in his hair.
I only started Sanctuary Moon once his breathing deepened against my shirt.