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“You’re avoiding me.” It wasn’t a question. She was sure of it.
The thing is, it was the first time I ever talked to her alone. She’s always with Minjeong, Jimin’s… well… best friend(?), and Jimin is my closest friend here so the four of us hang out a lot.
I never really open up to anyone so I don’t get why she’s so bothered about it. It’s not like we had anything going on…
I sighed, ready to ask her what her problem was, and slowly turned to face her and my mouth almost fell to the floor when I saw her swollen eyes.
“What—”
I didn’t know what to do. I just looked at her as her tears began forming again. It wasn’t even a full minute before she buried her face on my neck, crying like a child. I just let her cry it out—didn’t ask her why, scared that she’ll end up crying even more if I do.
When she calmed down, she was the first one to pull away.
“I know you hate me but I have no one else to talk to because it’s embarrassing. She…” Yizhuo sniffed; I almost smiled when she did. She looked adorable—which is obviously a pretty bad thought to have when she’s here crying. “She wanted to kiss me, but I didn’t know how. She asked me if I ever kissed someone and I thought… I thought she was just asking me so I just… told her the truth.” I handed her my tissue pack. She wiped her nose with tissue before covering her face with her hands. “She broke up with me when she realized I was being serious… said she couldn’t date a kid like me.” She groaned.
“What am I supposed to do?! It’s not like I could kiss my hand and call it experience!”
Dear Diary,
Ning Yizhuo doesn’t have a girlfriend anymore. I don’t even know if she calls that person her girlfriend because they went on a date ONCE and decided to date exclusively. She went on and on about her ex girlfriend even though I never told her to and I just listened. I’m surprised she even trusted me with this much information.
Looking back, I still can’t believe anyone would have the guts to break up with her. I mean… who cares about her kissing experience (or the lack of)???
I could list a hundred reasons why she’s a catch and I wouldn’t have to include her kissing skills there. Why would I care if she hasn’t kissed anyone anyway? I could just teach her myself, wait, I almost smiled at the thought. It’s not much of a factor.
When she was done venting, I told her teased her that I’ll teach her and she blushed (or at least that’s what I think) and then she… smiled and I swear my heart skipped a beat .
P.S. I have yet to find out who keeps on leaving a cup of coffee on my desk every morning.
Gained a new crush close friend,
Aeri („• ֊ •„)
I automatically smiled when I saw Ning Yizhuo approaching. It’s a relief to see her smiling after everything she told me yesterday. She has on a mischievous smile as she slowly finds her way to me. I just stood here, waiting for her to reach me.
It was a normal working day and we were about to follow Minjeong and Jimin downstairs to have our entirely normal lunch together (the four of us!)
It was supposed to be normal.
Until she jumped and wrapped her arms around my neck and planted a kiss on my cheek.
“Hi, girlfriend. Missed me?”
What did she…
Dear Diary,
I got myself a girlfriend! Wait, no, I started dating Ning Yizhuo! Wait… no, that just sounds so wrong.
Ning Yizhuo and I are together!
NO!
Ning Yizhuo is my baby!
…
You know what? Screw this.
Ning Yizhuo and I well…
We agreed to start fake dating. Just for funsies, you know? Typical friend behavior!! ^^
(Apparently, she took the “I’ll teach you” joke seriously. Anyway, she just called me her girlfriend today and I said okay and well… doesn’t that mean we’re “fake” dating?)
P.S. I didn’t find coffee on my desk today, but Ning Yizhuo gave me one.
Ning Yizhuo’s fake girlfriend,
Aeri ♡
“Hey, girlfriend!” I know that voice, of course, I do. I’ve been hearing it much more often now ever since we started fake dating.
Still, I kept walking, not looking back. It’s not like she called me by my name. She could be calling someone else.
Or…
“Why are you ignoring me?” Just from hearing her, I can already tell she’s pouting now. I bite my lip to keep myself from smiling like an idiot as I continue walking.
“You’re so mean.” I stopped hearing her footsteps. She must’ve stopped trying to keep up with me. I’m not even surprised.
Because if there’s one thing that Ning Yizhuo would never do, that would be running.
I turn back and see her standing far away from me, her arms crossed, her lips pouting. My smile finally broke free. I open my arms and nod at her.
I watch as her pout slowly turns into a smile. I just stood here, waiting for her to come closer and she did. She walked, almost hopping, towards me with a smile that would put the sun to shame. She has always been so radiant… so… beautiful.
When she reaches me, she immediately wraps her arms around my waist, her face resting on my neck. I chuckle as I wrap mine around her, inhaling her sweet sweet scent (it’s not as weird as it sounds).
“Why did you ignore me?” she whispered, still not moving away.
“Well, I’m pretty sure my name is ‘Aeri’, not ‘Girlfriend’.” She breaks free from me just to give me a glare—which, by the way, looks more adorable than frightening.
“You’re my girlfriend, of course, I’ll call you that!” I playfully rolled my eyes. “You never had a girlfriend, have you?”
Her brows furrowed, her lips slightly parting as if she’s contemplating whether she should be offended or just be truthful and answer my question—I already know the answer anyway and she knows it. “I just did, remember? We just... never reached the part where we give each other nicknames. Is that a problem?”
I shook my head. “Not like it’s a problem but…” My eyes lingered dangerously longer at her lips before it found her eyes again. “I’m pretty sure you don’t call your girlfriend that.”
She still looks confused, not speaking a word, waiting for me to expound or something. It took her a full minute to even come up with a question. “Well, what do you want me to call you?” I shrug which earned a hit on my shoulder. “I’m serious!”
“Hmm…” I put my hand on my chin as if I’m seriously thinking about it. She just continued staring at me, waiting for whatever would come out of my mouth.
“How about…” I swallowed, suddenly feeling hot after thinking about it because it’s so hot outside. “Baby?”
She blinked.
Once.
Twice.
And then she…
Dear Diary,
Today, we were supposed to go on a date and post each other on Instagram—which I guessed was so we could brag about our relationship for our target audience (which I still don’t know who, by the way) to see—but it didn’t happen.
Today… when I asked Ning Yizhuo to call me baby instead of girlfriend… she ran away.
Ning Yizhuo… that girl who’d rather be burnt alive than run… just… sprinted away.
And I don’t know what to feel about that.
I guess her list goes like this:
Burn alive > run > call Aeri Uchinaga “baby”
P.S. the mysterious coffee cup has returned.
Still startled at the sight of running Yizhuo,
Aeri (￢_￢)
I haven’t seen Ning Yizhuo since that day. It’s the first time I saw her today and she won’t look at me. She won’t even talk to me even though we’re literally walking side by side! And it annoys me that we still haven’t announced our relationship in public so I have to watch as this guy approaches her, his hand at the back of his neck as he gives her a love letter—at least that’s what it looks like. I have to watch as she gives him that sun-shaming smile, his cheeks reddening at the sight.
I sighed, making sure both of them could hear it. Ning Yizhuo glanced at me for a second before giving her full attention to that guy again. “I’ll head back inside now.”
I fought back the urge to roll my eyes when I heard her sweet voice.
Sigh, why am I even here again?
I cleared my throat before walking away from the scene, making sure that that uselessly tall guy who’s clearly gawking at Ning Yizhuo without minding how much of a loser he looked right now would feel my… annoyance.
“What’s with the face?” Jimin asks as I enter our office. I shrug.
I suddenly don’t feel like talking.
Dear Diary,
I may or may not have been Ning Yizhuo’s pain in the ass today.
I groaned and grumbled during our meeting that she looked visibly annoyed at me.
I don’t care.
It’s not me who carelessly flirted in front of her fake girlfriend. And it was a boy!! Which absolutely defeats the purpose (if there even was one) of this fake relationship!!
AND in case she needs a refresher, she was the one who started this! I don’t even know why she did it and it’s confusing me! Well, I’m done. Maybe that tall guy can teach Ning Yizhuo how to kiss or whatever.
P.S. found coffee on my desk again. Whoever gives me this sure is consistent. I wonder if this person hasn't heard that Ning Yizhuo and I are dating (of course, they didn’t. NO ONE KNOWS EVEN THOUGH THEY SHOULD)
Not jealous but very obviously confused (for the right reasons!!),
Aeri (；⌣̀_⌣́)
“Are you two still not talking?” Minjeong approaches me one day. I’m guessing she got fed up with the uncomfortable silence we’ve been having every day. With the deadline approaching, she must’ve been so frustrated that she could either talk to me or Ning Yizhuo—never at the same time.
“She said she has no clue why you’re passionately ignoring her.” I scoffed. Of course, she’d say that.
“Is it because of… Wonbin?” she asked, her tone perkier than usual. I squinted at her, trying to figure her out. Her cheeks…
"Who's Wonbin?" Minjeong looked at me like I just grew an extra head on my shoulder. "That guy with the love letter," Jimin suddenly appeared, her arm naturally snaking Minjeong's waist. I fought back the urge to smile at that when Jimin glared at me. Minjeong remained smiling obliviously, unfazed by Jimin's very friendly gesture (sarcasm intended)
Then, I noticed the pink tint on her cheeks... Is it...
“Are you seriously blushing right now…?” I asked, a little disgusted at the thought. Are they seriously attracted to that uselessly tall guy?
She playfully hit my arm, covering her face like a teenager who has a crush. What the hell…
“You can’t blame me! He asked me out yesterday, okay? And he’s not so b—”
Minjeong said a lot more after that, but I didn’t really care.
I just found myself walking towards the cafeteria, buying an ice cream sandwich, and heading to where Ning Yizhuo was.
I tugged at her sleeve when she didn’t notice my presence while she’s burying herself in paperworks.
“Minjeong, I alre— oh, hey…” Her eyes widened when she saw me. I gave her a small smile before offering the ice cream I bought for her.
“Let’s go on a date later?” I heard one of Ning Yizhuo's interns cough all of a sudden. She must’ve been secretly listening but I didn’t care. I just patiently waited for Ning Yizhuo’s answer.
She was speechless, her mouth agape, as she stared at me. I was ready to take that as a no when she aggressively nodded. “Yes, yes, of course, we can.”
Dear Diary,
It turns out, Wonbin was asking Ning Yizhuo to pass her love letter to Minjeong.
It’s such a relief funny situation, I can't believe I got jealous upset about it!
Oh, and Ning Yizhuo and I went on a fake date. We went to the amusement park and took lots of pictures. We didn’t get to ride more rides because it was late but it was still fun.
Although it’s a little embarrassing to admit, I cried while riding that swaying pirate ship thingy… Ning Yizhuo held my hand for the remainder of the ride when she noticed. It calmed me down (or maybe the night view did)
And what's even more embarrassing is the fact that I puked when we got off… which made Ning Yizhuo (sorry, I enjoy writing her name so much) laugh uncontrollably. It was… something.
Watching her laugh like that did something to my heart.
I want to see her laugh like that forever.
I want to be the reason why she’s happy.
Reminder to self: don’t ever ride the pirate ship thingy right after riding the roller coaster!!
P.S. I got my daily dose of coffee again (but from Ning Yizhuo this time)
Still nauseous,
Aeri (´｡• ᵕ •｡`)
“So… you two, huh?” Jimin suddenly asked me out of nowhere. We all went out together to grab lunch outside because the cafeteria food sucked. We were walking right behind Ning Yizhuo and Minjeong, who were too occupied talking about Minjeong’s recent alien discovery.
I didn’t know what to say.
Yes, but it’s fake.
Yes, why do you care?
Yes, I have to teach her how to kiss so she can kiss her future girlfriend better.
No, I’m just her fake girlfriend.
No, but I wis—
I sighed. “I don’t know…” I covered my mouth when I realized that I unintentionally said that out loud.
Jimin walked backwards just to continue staring at me with her eyebrow raised as if questioning me. “What do you mean you don’t know?”
I shrugged which made her groan in frustration and leave me behind. I was smiling triumphantly when Jimin looked at me one last time and stuck her tongue out before she…
Dear Diary,
Today, Jimin asked me if I’m really dating Ning Yizhuo but I didn’t know what to answer (I could say yes but I d0n’t know if Ning Yizhuo would like that because we STILL haven’t told anyone about “us”) so I just tried to end the topic there. I really thought I did it but then she just went on and asked Ning Yizhuo herself.
It was like everything was in slow motion when I watched Jimin reach out to Ning Yizhuo and ask her.
I can still hear her “so are you and Aeri dating? She won’t tell me.”
I can still imagine how Ning Yizhuo turned her head to look at me… how she stopped walking and separated from Minjeong and Jimin who were waiting patiently.
How she went to me and held my hand…
And how she said “yes, she’s my girlfriend.”
I think my heart skipped a beat when she held my hand. She’s crazy.
P.S. I got coffee again today. I wonder if the person heard the rumors already… Should I leave a note to tell them to stop giving me coffee because I have a girlfriend or… wait, would Ning Yizhuo even want me to do that? Maybe I should ask her. Who knows? Maybe she won’t care about the coffee because she doesn’t care, right?
Probably the star of our office gossip,
Aeri (///￣ ￣///)
I was right.
Whenever I would pass by Ning Yizhuo’s cubicle, I would feel all these eyes on us—waiting to see if we’d do something… say something that could prove the rumors that have been circulating.
I didn’t give them the satisfaction and avoided her all day. Every time she would ask for something, I would pass it to Jimin who would then give or explain it to her. Whenever I would find her in the pantry, I would immediately turn away and look for whatever in the fridge.
It was fine… until it wasn’t. It was barely half the day when Ning Yizhuo came to me herself. Her arms were crossed and she was pouting when I looked up.
“Can we talk?” I could hear the annoyance in her voice, but she made sure to keep it low. I guess it wasn’t just me who’s aware of the rumors after all.
I looked down and continued with the task given to me. “I’m busy, Ning Yizhuo. Maybe later,” I said without looking at her. I don’t even know if I’m still doing what I’m supposed to be doing but hey, fake it til you make it, right?
“Aeri… please?” I heard her whisper, making me stop typing an extremely nonsense sentence on the document. I immediately turned to face her. “Okay, where do you want t—”
She immediately grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the elevator. She didn’t talk to me until we got off at the topmost floor—the rooftop garden.
“You’re avoiding me again. Did I do something wrong?” she immediately asked. She looked nervous as she waited for my answer.
“I don’t want them to talk about us so I was trying to keep it under wraps.”
She blinked. “What do you mean?”
I looked away, enjoying the view and the wind as it blew.
“You like someone, don’t you?” It was subtle but I saw how her eyes widened in shock—her cheeks flushed red probably as she thought of that lucky son of a bitch person.
Dear Diary,
I was right.
I was right about us being the star of today’s gossip.
And I was right about Ning Yizhuo having a crush.
And I don’t know why I felt so unhappy knowing that I’m right about both of them.
She asked me if I like someone too but I just shrugged and told her we needed to get back down soon because it’s not like she’d like to hear that it’s her my answer. I could see how much she wanted to ask more, but she didn’t. I wish she did, so I would know that she cares.
P.S. Got coffee again. Oh, and I told Ning Yizhuo about the anonymous coffee cups and she just stared at me before leaving me behind. Weird.
Aeri
Ning Yizhuo:
U up?
I immediately got up when I read her text. I checked the time and it was a few minutes past 2 am. I must’ve slept as soon as I got home, judging by my headache.
Me:
Yes, why?
Ning Yizhuo:
How about a spontaneous beach trip? If we go now, we can make it before the sun rises.
Of course. Ning Yizhuo wouldn’t be Ning Yizhuo without her weird spur of the moment kind of stuff.
Me:
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Ning Yizhuo:
I’ll wait for you! I’m trying to contact Jimin and Minjeong but they’re probably sleeping… :((
I immediately wiped the smile off my face. I don’t even know why I smiled at that. I got off the bed and fixed my bed before replying.
Me:
People are supposed to be sleeping at this hour, Ning Yizhuo.
Ning Yizhuo:
But you’re not??
I was.
But she didn’t have to know that.
Me:
Be there in half an hour
I was sure she messaged me again but I didn’t check it and just went to get dressed. I made sure to pack for two, just in case she forgets to bring extra clothes, at least she’ll have mine to wear. I shoved whatever I could grab into my bag after and went out.
Dear Diary,
I went on a spontaneous beach trip with Ning Yizhuo.
We managed to get there just as the sun was starting to come up. It was beautiful—or at least that’s what Ning Yizhuo said. I wouldn’t know what it looked like because I was busy watching her. I couldn’t help it… not when she looks like… that. When I saw her smile, I swear I felt my heart leap and then my eyes just… stayed there—looking at her.
Damn, I think I’m going crazy. It must be the amount of salt water that I accidentally drank while we were out there swimming.
Surely, I am not… right? I can’t fall in love with her! She likes someone and I shouldn’t come between her and whoever that lucky son of a bitch person is.
Confu
“What are you writing?” My soul jumped out of my body when I heard Ning Yizhuo whisper in my ear. I quickly closed my diary and turned to face her. “What are you… Why are you sneaking up on me like that?”
She put her hands up as if to surrender, “chill, I was just curious what you could’ve been writing so seriously that you didn’t even hear me call you like ten times.”
“No, you didn’t.”
She shrugged. “Fine, maybe I called you once and decided to come find you.”
I looked away and put my diary back inside my bag.
“What were you writing anyway? It’s the first time I ever saw your pink notebook.” I blushed. I forgot how cutesy my diary was. It’s so not my branding.
“None of your business. Do you want to head back?” She shook her head and pointed at something behind her. “I cooked lunch. Let’s eat first and figure things out from there.”
I wonder if she can help me figure my feelings out too. I mentally slapped my head when that thought came into my mind.
“You know, I never pegged you as a pink notebook kind of girl.” I rolled my eyes at her, which earned a chuckle from her. “What? I’m serious. You look so emo for a pink diary, okay?”
“Maybe you just don’t know me enough.”
She hummed in agreement. “Whatever you say, baby.” I halted, feeling the heat coming up my cheeks. Why is it so hot here?
“Did you just—” She quickly turned around and to say I was surprised is an understatement. She was… more flushed than I was.
“I didn’t—It just—Whatever! Let’s eat and head back. I'm tired!” she said before speedwalking to the dining table.
That was… weird.
Dear Diary,
I know it’s stupid, but is it just me or did she get flustered too? I mean… she just called me baby so naturally that I seriously didn’t even know how to react.
We quietly ate afterwards. Both of us quietly bid goodbye before she got out of my car. I still don’t get what happened, to be honest.
I wanted to ask her about it, but she looked so uncomfortable that I didn’t bring that up anymore.
I wish she could always call me baby. I still can’t believe she called me baby.
I wonder how we’ll act towards each other tomorrow.
Should I just risk it all and call her baby too? I hope I can keep us from being awkward. I don’t want to lose my fake girlfriend.
Just found out she’s Ning Yizhuo’s baby,
Aeri (/▿＼ )
I was just minding my own business when Jimin suddenly plopped down on the empty swivel chair beside me and just… looked at me. I didn’t pay her any attention and just focused on my task when she leaned even closer, her chin resting on her hand as her elbow greedily occupied the space just right beside my hand holding the mouse.
“What’s your problem this time?” I asked while still keeping my eyes on the screen.
“You look weird.”
“I’m…” I glanced at her, which I suddenly wished I didn’t, and saw her teasing smile. “I’m very normal looking.”
She hummed. “Normal looking… yeah, totally weird.”
She didn’t even wait for my response and just left…
Dear Diary,
Jimin said I looked weird today, but I don’t get her. I’m Miss Smiley Face for a reason. Why is she so surprised that I’m smiling all day?
Ning Yizhuo didn’t go to work today. She said she’s not feeling well.
I called her to ask her where she lives but she won’t answer so I asked Minjeong to give it to me instead. I cooked porridge after work and bought medicine on the way. I was so glad I did because when I arrived, she could barely even open the door.
How did she even live alone when she gets that weak when she’s sick? It upsets me to see her this way because it made me wish I met her earlier.
I’m still in her condo unit, by the way. When I was about to leave she reached for my hand and asked me not to leave her side so I’m here sitting on the floor as I write this entry. It’s almost midnight and it’s about time for her to drink her meds again so I’m about to wake her up.
Oh, and I didn’t get a cup of coffee at my desk.
Still haven’t slept a wink,
Aeri
I was in the kitchen preparing our breakfast when I heard a soft gasp from behind me. I turned to look and saw Ning Yizhuo, her hair still a mess, standing there with her hands on her mouth.
“Why are you… here?” she says as she frantically tries to fix her bed hair.
“I had to come rescue you because you won’t pick up the phone. Minjeong told me your address.” I turned back to finish cooking her porridge. “You should rest more. I’ll just bring you your food when I’m done.”
“I… You didn’t have to do this. Let me just—” she tried to take the ladle from my hand so I turned around to face her again and I… dropped the ladle when I realized how close we were. My eyes dropped down from her eyes to her parted lips and I pinched myself when I did.
“I’m sorry about that. Just… Just rest,” I said before crouching to pick up the ladle on the floor.
She just remained still. Not saying anything… Her gaze fixed on me while mine stayed at the ladle.
“Aeri,” she softly calls me by my name. “Hmm?” I answered, still crouching on the floor, praying that my heart would stop racing.
“When will you kiss me?”
Dear Diary,
Ning Yizhuo asked me when I’ll kiss her and I told her… I stupidly told her to find herself a real girlfriend she can date and kiss.
I mean… I don’t know what else to say.
I don’t know how I got up and left her unit. I don’t know… what her face looked like when I left. Damn, did I even turn off the stove? I can’t remember. I wish I did.
But… I just didn’t know what else to do.
I didn’t know how to answer that.
I mean, okay. We became “girlfriends” because she wanted me to teach her how to kiss. I get that. I should’ve seen this coming but… couldn’t she have asked in a much more convenient time? Not when I’m on my knees. Not when I look messed up because I couldn’t sleep when she kept on groaning in pain. Not when I’m starting to feel… different.
Obviously regretting what I said and did,
Aeri (｡╯︵╰｡)
I smiled when I saw Ning Yizhuo walking with Minjeong. “Good mo—” I couldn’t even finish my greeting when she pulled Minjeong along and walked past me. Minjeong turned her head to mouth ‘sorry’ while she just walked without ever looking back.
I sighed. I already expected this. I mean… who wouldn’t be upset when I shut her down when she was clearly trying to make a move on me.
But what was I supposed to do…? And what does it all mean? Doesn’t she like someone else?
I shook my head in an attempt to shake away those thoughts when an arm linked up with mine.
“Trouble in paradise?” I didn’t give her the satisfaction to tease me more and just continued walking, pulling her with me. “Yizhuo called Minjeong last Saturday out of nowhere. She sounded upset and all so Minjeong had to leave in the middle of our movie marathon. Was it because of you?”
I didn’t answer, but Jimin’s words stayed inside my head—loud and distracting.
And it got even louder when…
“Yizhuo, your girlfriend’s here!” Everyone cheered and whistled when I arrived at the office, still with Karina clinging on my arm. I shook my head with a smile as I felt my cheeks heat up. It was the first time that everyone acknowledged it loudly. I often hear them whispering about it, yes, but this was the first time they teased us so openly.
I searched the room and found Ning Yizhuo looking at me too. Everything was in slow motion as she stood up, still with her eyes on me, “she’s not my girlfriend,” she said before leaving the now-silent room.
“Oh,” Jimin whispers as Ning Yizhuo walks past us.
Dear Diary,
Jimin didn’t know what to say or do after Ning Yizhuo just denied everything about us. And I don’t know? I guess I just wanted someone to figure it out with me(?) so I told her everything and she just looked at me with her “not judging but very evidently questioning my decisions” look and said, “I see.”
WHAT IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
Ning Yizhuo:
Can we talk tomorrow?
To say I jumped in surprise when I saw her name is an understatement.
Me:
Okay.
She didn’t reply after. It was just four short words but it calmed me down in a way I couldn’t even explain. God, what is happening to me?
I immediately stood up and opened my closet, carefully picking out my work attire for tomorrow like I normally do every single day, yes. Because one must make sure to slay everyday! Yes, I am absolutely not dressing up JUST for Ning Yizhuo. That would be absurd. Incredibly absurd.
I passed by my mirror and almost immediately slapped myself.
Why am I even smiling like an idiot?
I immediately went back to picking my clothes before sitting at my desk again so I could continue writing my diary entry for today—without my weirdly wide smile this time.
Dear Diary,
Jimin didn’t know what to say or do after Ning Yizhuo just denied everything about us. And I don’t know? I guess I just wanted someone to figure it out with me? But I told her everything and she just looked at me with her “not judging but very evidently questioning my decisions” look and said, “I see.”
WHAT IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
Ning Yizhuo asked for us to talk tomorrow. I hope tomorrow comes faster because I miss her so we could finally settle everything.
Sleeping WITHOUT a smile on my face (obviously because who would smile like that just because of a text? Definitely not me. OBVIOUSLY NOT ME. YES. NOT ME. NEVER ME.),
P.S. No coffee
Aeri (⇀‸↼‶)
I went to work a lot earlier than usual so I could order a Dark Cherry Yogurt Smoothie for Ning Yizhuo. She tried it once because she watched this show where her favorite idol, Sana, made one and wouldn’t shut up about it for a month. Minjeong still blames me for that.
Ning Yizhuo and I went here before (with Minjeong and Jimin) and ended up getting lost for an hour. I almost got lost trying to find the cafe but thank heavens for Google Maps for making sure I stay on the right path this time. Every time I almost take the wrong turn, I remember how she rolled her eyes when the road led to a dead end. Then, I end up remembering how she smiled when her order came.
And I guess… I just want to see her smile like that again because of me.
I was humming as I swiped my card at the entrance when I saw her waiting right outside our office. “Oh, have you been waiting long?” She shook her head, her lips pressed together without a hint of a smile. “Let’s head up?” I nodded and followed her to the elevator.
We got off at the rooftop and that’s only then that she noticed the drink I was holding. I immediately smiled and gave it to her. “Here, your favorite.”
She shook her head, still not a hint of smile on her lips, “I don’t really like sweet drinks.” A lie.
“Oh, I see.”
I wanted to tell her how Minjeong told me about how much she missed this drink but decided not to push it. Maybe it’s not a lie. Maybe she just doesn’t like it anymore. Things change. People change. Yes, obviously.
She turned her back against me and decided to look at the view instead. “So… what did you want to talk about?” I asked when she still didn’t say a single word—the drink was starting to melt and I just looked at it while playing with the straw.
“If I do find myself a real girlfriend like you said,” she paused, glancing at me before looking away again. “Would you really not mind that?”
I blinked. I wanted to say something, anything, but my mouth felt dry, like all the words I had ever wanted to say to her were stuck somewhere between my heart and my throat.
The sound of the wind seemed like it wanted to answer for me.
She didn’t look at me and I thank the heavens she didn’t.
I swallowed, my heart twisting, “I would love that for you.” It’s not a lie—at least not completely.
I obviously want her to be happy…
But that doesn’t mean that I’m not wishing I could be the one to make her happy.
But I didn’t say that.
I couldn’t.
“Okay. Thanks for playing as my girlfriend, Aeri. You can stop now,” she coldly replied.
I nodded with a smile that felt foreign, stretched tight like a rubber band pulled too far. My cheeks felt sore, but I still smiled. Especially when she looked at me… just so she wouldn’t notice.
She looked at me one last time, as if giving me the chance to take it back, but I remained smiling—unmoving and unwilling to say anything more. She took that as her cue to leave me here, still with the melted drink on my hand.
I looked at the view and then the drink and then to her retreating back.
“Come back,” I whispered to the wind because it's the only who can listen to me right now.
Dear Diary,
Jimin noticed my mood this morning and asked me what happened and I told her that the ice on my coffee melted before I could drink it. I didn’t say more and she didn’t ask me to. She just gave me a gentle pat on my shoulder before leaving me alone.
I don’t have much going on today. Not even a cup of coffee from whoever that is.
Aeri
Someone is here. No, someone is with Ning Yizhuo.
I just minded my own business—removing all the broccolis so Jimin could eat them for me—absolutely not paying attention to Ning Yizhuo’s soft giggles.
“Is it your admirer?” I whispered to Minjeong who violently shook her head that it almost looked like her head’s about to come off. I was about to ask Jimin who was looking at Minjeong like a sad puppy… I chose not to bother.
So it’s Ning Yizhuo’s, huh?
“Guys!” Ning Yizhuo suddenly calls for our attention. I immediately looked back. First, I saw her smile—a different smile.
Something I haven’t seen before.
Then, my eyes dropped to her hand… holding her admirer’s hand.
Dear Diary,
Today…
Ning…
Yizhuo…
Got…
A…
Girlfriend.
I wonder how she does it. She gets a girlfriend at the flick of her fingers just like how she got me.
Aeri
I was staring at the cup of coffee that has been consistently appearing on my desk every morning when Jimin showed up. “What’s that?”
I shrugged. “I’ve been getting them before, but it has been more consistent lately. Never found out who keeps on leaving one here though.”
She looked like she was deep in her thoughts when her mouth formed a little ‘O’ before turning into this weird, knowing smile. “You don’t know who’s giving that to you?” I shook my head, making her smile even weirder now.
“Do you—” As if on cue, Ning Yizhuo entered the office with her girlfriend beside her. They were laughing about something when our eyes met, her smile vanishing almost immediately. I closed my mouth and faced Jimin, who by the way, is still grinning at me like a loser. God, where is Minjeong when I need her the most?
“Where do you think she met that woman?” Jimin carefully whispers, slightly gesturing at Ning Yizhuo. “She’s been spending all her breaks with that girl. She hasn’t been with us much lately.” I can think of one good reason, but I chose not to.
I just shrugged, twirling my fingers at the straw of my coffee and just sitting down. I wonder what cafe this is from, I would love to visit it one day. Alone. Obviously.
“You think they’re serious?” I shrugged again. “She never mentioned that name before. Do you know her?” I sighed and angrily put down my coffee—almost spilling it at my desk. Jimin flinched in surprise. “Hey! Why are you so grumpy?” she complained loudly. I closed my eyes in frustration. God, can she get even louder?
“Just let her date, Jimin. Why are you so affected?” I whispered so she could take a hint.
She scoffed. “Why are you not affected?” I raised my eyebrow at her and she didn’t seem to care. At least she lowered her voice this time, I guess.
“Why should I be?”
“Because you like her,” Jimin said in an as-a-matter-of-fact kind of tone.
“Oh, who likes who?” Minjeong suddenly whispered from behind us, making Jimin and I jump in surprise. Jimin even almost fell down her swivel chair, covering her mouth to stifle the yell she almost let out. Minjeong saw that and I could hear the laughter she’s been trying to hide as she speaks, her voice laced with amusement. “What? It’s not like you two were being secretive about it, I can hear you from my cubicle,” Minjeong finally lets out her laugh, gaining a smack from Jimin whose cheeks are burning red.
Dear Diary,
Today, Jimin was such a pain in the ass and it didn’t help that Minjeong is supporting her too. They keep on teasing me about my apparently very obvious feelings for Ning Yizhuo which is stupid because I wasn’t THAT obvious… right?
And besides, who cares if I really do? It’s not like it matters now.
Ning Yizhuo has a girlfriend and it’s not me.
I may have been the fake girlfriend but now she’s got a real one and all I can do is feel happy about it and support her. Or pretend to be.
P.S. I saw a cup of coffee on my table again and Jimin seemed to recognize it. I should ask her about it again tomorrow.
Happy for my crush friend,
Aeri
It’s starting to annoy me.
I mean, just because I find it annoying doesn’t mean I'm not happy for her because I am. I’m glad she’s being taken care of. I’m glad she’s laughing out loud a lot. I’m glad she’s all smiley and clingy and won’t hang out w— yeah, that’s probably taking it too far.
Because that’s the annoying part—she doesn’t hang out with us anymore.
So when I saw her outside the building—alone for the first time in a while—I immediately ran to catch up with her.
“Good morning,” I happily greeted as I put my arm around her shoulder just like the old times.
I felt her body stiffen before she pulled herself away from me. Her cheeks were flushed and she was breathing so fast as she looked at me. “What the hell is your problem?”
“I—” I couldn’t even finish my sentence when she turned and started walking away.
“Ning Yizhuo!” I called her in desperation. She stopped walking but didn’t look back. “Please don’t avoid me…” I sighed. “I miss you,” I whispered to the wind, hoping it wouldn't bring my words to her.
She didn’t say anything. She didn’t look back.
She just left.
Dear Diary,
I miss her.
P.S. I saw a cup of coffee on my table again, but there was no one there AGAIN, no note either AGAIN. I’m starting to hesitate drinking it because what if it’s poisoned??? Or what if someone’s putting it there, thinking it was someone else’s desk and now, I’m hindering them from their office romance…? I should probably start asking around about it.
A potential cup of coffee thief,
Aeri (((＞＜)))
I decided to come to the office the same time I did yesterday and true enough, I saw Ning Yizhuo again. This time, I didn’t walk up to her and just stayed a few steps away from her. She didn’t notice me.
I followed her as she made her way towards… my cubicle as she put a cup of coffee on my table. I was standing behind her when she turned around, making her gasp softly when she finally saw me..
The hum of the air conditioner suddenly seemed louder.
“What are y—” she ran away, a habit she has been into lately.
I looked at the cup of coffee on my table and back to her retreating back.
It feels stupid but I… I smiled before sitting down.
Dear Diary,
I didn’t see Ning Yizhuo’s girlfriend today. In fact, I didn’t even see her either.
But it’s fine.
Turns out, she was the one leaving coffee on my table lately. And while I don’t get why she couldn’t just give it to me directly, to see her still be so flustered with me was something that made this stupid heart happy funny.
I can’t even stop smiling even though I know she still has a girlfriend that isn’t m
Yeah, I’m not smiling anymore.
Sleepy,
Aeri
“So you don’t like her that much?” Jimin lambasts me with questions as soon as break starts. She’s made it her hobby to question everything I do about this whole “I like Ning Yizhuo but won’t do anything” thing she insists is happening right now.
I sighed, regretting that time I decided to tell her about my situation. “Then why won’t you tell her how you feel?” I crossed my arms and looked at her and she matched the expression on my face right now as if to say “what?”
“She has a girlfriend, Jimin. Stop it.”
She groaned, ruffling her hair in frustration. I don’t get why she’s more worked up than I am. I’m starting to think she’s my guardian angel who decided to become human because she’s way too invested in my indecision.
What am I supposed to do when Ning Yizhuo leaves that coffee on my desk every morning, like some sort of silent signal I can’t even interpret? What am I supposed to do aside from watching her smile and laugh with her girlfriend whose name I don’t even plan to learn? What else am I supposed to do?
And what am I supposed to do now… when the four of us agreed to have lunch without outsiders... only to find out it was a setup by Jimin and Minjeong who didn’t show up?
I cleared my throat, breaking the silence between us that has stretched far too long now. “You can…” I looked away when she didn’t. It was getting too much. I was feeling too much. “You can invite your girlfriend. I won’t mind being the third wheel."
She scoffed as if I just told the most terrible joke in the world. The expression on her face—it’s a mix of disbelief and… something else. The tension in the air thickens, and I sit up straighter without even meaning to. I don’t even know why I’m so nervous right now.
“Of course, you wouldn't mind.” Her voice was more high pitched than normal, almost like she’s trying to hold back laughter or frustration. I scratch the back of my neck, unsure what to do with my hands. I can’t bring myself to look her in the eye. Not when my heart is racing like an idiot.
“You’re such a joke, Aeri,” Ning Yizhuo muttered before standing up and leaving me hanging.
And I just sat there, watching her back just like all the other times she walked away.
Dear Diary,
Now that I think about it, I haven’t heard anyone tease Ning Yizhuo about her girlfriend. It’s really weird because they love to joke around with her. And it’s not like Ning Yizhuo’s being subtle about it too, I mean, if she could, she probably would’ve put up a sign that says “I have a girlfriend” or something.
But no one pays attention and apparently, I’m no one.
I got a text from Jimin and she apologized about what they did. I’m guessing Ning Yizhuo told them (or she just told Minjeong and then Jimin heard it from Minjeong).
Everything’s just so confusing. I wish someone could just… I don’t know, give me a hint about what I should do with all this?
Aeri
I was out of it today. The cafeteria was buzzing with noise as usual, but I just remained silent. Jimin who is sitting across from me looked different too—her usual teasing smile was replaced with a sharper, more serious look.
“Until when do you plan on acting like it’s not bothering you?”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Jimin.”
She raised an eyebrow. “So… what? You’re giving up? Act like you never had feelings for her? Like all of that didn’t happen?”
“You don’t understand.” I sighed.
“Yeah, I probably don’t.” Jimin scoffed. Minjeong reached out for her sleeve but she just glanced at her before pressing on. “You’re trapped in your own prison, Aeri. Look around and you’ll see you built those damn walls yourself. Stop hiding. Face your situation… face her.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” I snapped. “She has a girlfriend. Not everyone’s love story is a fairy tale. I’m not like you or Minjeong. You two can just jump into whatever you want. You’ve got it easy. But me? I’m not going to just throw myself into this mess when I know she doesn’t have feelings for me. She has a girlfriend. How many times am I supposed to say that for you to get it?”
Jimin’s jaw clenched when I mentioned Minjeong who just sat there, stunned by the scene unfolding in front of her. “Then stop looking like an idiot who’s waiting for something to magically happen, Aeri. When will you ever decide for yourself? Either do something or move on.”
The words hit me like a punch to the gut, but I wasn’t backing down. She doesn’t get my point.
I slammed my hand down on the table, the sound echoing through the cafeteria, and everyone suddenly seemed to freeze. I didn’t care. I was done being quiet. “What the hell do you want from me, Jimin?” I shouted, my voice cracking in desperation. “You want me to throw everything away for something that’s never gonna happen? You want me to just pretend everything’s fine and go after her like some fucking fairy tale?”
Jimin just stared at me, her gaze was hard and unrelenting. Minjeong shifted in her seat, trying to catch my attention, but I wouldn’t look at her. I was too caught up in my emotions to even notice anything else. “You don’t get it, Jimin. I’m not going to risk my heart like that. Not for her. Not for anyone,” I said, letting out a resigned sigh. I stood up abruptly, ready to storm off, but I wasn’t prepared for what happened next.
When I turned around, I froze. I realized why Minjeong was trying to stop me. Ning Yizhuo was standing behind me, her posture stiff, her face pale, clearly having overheard everything. She said nothing, but her expression—a mix of disbelief, confusion, and something else I couldn’t name—left me speechless.
I couldn’t move. My heart hammered in my chest, my thoughts scattering each passing second. How much had she heard? Did she hear everything? My entire body went cold as the reality of the situation settled in.
Dear Diary,
I am such an idiot.
I stared at the spot on my desk where I would usually find a cup of coffee. There was nothing. The absence felt like a hole in my chest, like a sudden absence of air I didn’t even know I needed.
I haven’t spoken to Jimin or Minjeong since yesterday. Hell, I haven’t even talked to Ning Yizhuo as well. I went back to my desk after that, pretending nothing happened. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to process it—not yet, at least.
And now… now, I’m back here to face another day and I can’t help it when my mind brings me back to what happened yesterday. I closed my eyes when Ning Yizhuo’s face flashed in my head. She didn’t speak then, but she didn’t need to. The expression on her face said everything. I literally just said she wasn’t worth a heartbreak when I know deep inside my heart that she’s worth every second of it.
My hands trembled as I picked up my pen, trying to focus on something—anything—that wasn’t my own thoughts. I glanced at my phone. No new messages. Nothing from Ning Yizhuo or Jimin or Minjeong.
I was alo—I turned around quickly when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
It was Minjeong, standing there with her usual calm and unreadable expression. Her eyes were softer than I remembered. She didn’t say anything at first, watching me as if she knew exactly what was going on inside my head without needing to ask.
I swallowed hard, feeling the familiar knot inside my guts. “I’m not in the mood, Minjeong.”
She didn’t mind and just sat down without waiting for an invitation. “I can’t force you, but you’ll eventually have to face everything, Aeri.” I didn’t respond, hoping that that was the end of it. But she wouldn’t be Minjeong if she wasn’t persistent. “Jimin’s just worried about you. We both are.”
I turned my gaze to the empty coffee spot again as if that could make it appear. Ning Yizhuo’s face flashed in my mind again, making me sigh. “I know, but I don’t want to talk about it yet.”
Minjeong’s fingers softly tapped against the desk. “I’m not asking you to talk to me or Jimin, but I’m begging you,” she paused, turning her chair so she could face me entirely. “Please talk to Yizhuo. Don’t let it get worse than it already is.”
I dragged my hands to my face, as if it could block everything out. “She heard what I said, Minjeong. It must have… I never meant it like that. I just… I don’t know how to fix this now.”
Minjeong didn’t respond right away, but her eyes softened in a way that made me feel comforted. Like I was being seen… and understood.
“That doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it,” she said, her voice quieter now. “You can’t just sit in this mess, Aeri. Tell her how you really feel. She needs it just as much as you do.”
The rest of the day dragged on in a blur. I couldn’t focus on anything, and my mind kept circling back to Ning Yizhuo.
I didn’t expect to run into her after what happened yesterday, but I also wasn’t sure what I’d do if I did. And as if fate was laughing at me, I saw her walking just a few steps away from me. I froze, unable to take another step, as she closed the distance between us.
She stopped right in front of me with an unreadable expression. The air between us felt thick, heavy with everything that had gone unsaid. I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out. The silence stretched between us, like a wall that grew taller every second, thickening with every beat of my heart.
“I–/Let’s talk,” I couldn’t finish my sentence when she spoke, her voice soft but firm.
I could feel every nerve in my body lighting up, and yet I didn’t move. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say to her, how to even begin to explain myself after everything that had happened yesterday.
She waited, still standing there, not pushing me but not backing down either. I could see the uncertainty in her eyes, but there was something else there too—a quiet resolve.
“Okay,” my voice felt hoarse when I finally forced myself to say it. We then headed to the rooftop without a word.
When we reached the rooftop, she stopped in front of me, turning to face me with an expression I couldn’t read. Her eyes flickered with frustration—and something I couldn’t name—as they found mine.
“Did I not make myself clear enough before, Aeri?” she asked, her voice tight but certain. I swallowed hard, my heart beating faster. I had no idea where this was going, but I felt a lump form in my throat. “What do you… If this is about yester—”
Ning Yizhuo took a step closer, shaking her head slightly, “it’s not about yesterday.”
“Then what is it?”
For a second, she looked hesitant, but it was quickly replaced by… certainty.
“I never asked you to pretend to be my girlfriend, Aeri. I meant it.”
“What…?” I stepped back, my chest tightening, but she just closed the gap between us again. “I wasn’t trying to play around. I didn’t mean for it to be some silly thing. I actually… I thought you got what I meant and that’s why you agreed. That’s why when you…” she closed her eyes, as if she’s trying so hard not to remember that scene again, “when you told me to find myself a real girlfriend, I was hurt so I didn't want to talk to you.”
I couldn’t say a thing. I just stood there, watching her unravel. “I thought maybe if I could get you to react, I’d know that you actually cared for me. I thought if I had someone else pretend to be my girlfriend... I could see if it would make you jealous. If you’d care enough to do something about it.”
I stood there, completely stunned, the weight of her words sinking in slowly. The puzzle pieces from yesterday started falling into place, but they were shattering all over again as a different reality set in. “Wait, what?” I choked out. “You asked someone else... to pretend? To make me jealous?”
“I wasn’t thinking straight,” she admitted, her voice small now, like she was apologizing but didn’t quite know how. “I thought maybe if I saw you get jealous... it would mean something. But when you didn’t react, it made me feel like... maybe you didn’t feel what I felt. Maybe I was wrong about everything. Maybe it was all in my head.”
“Why didn’t you just—” tell me? I bit my tongue when I realized how hypocritical that was. I was just as unsure as she was. I was just as scared of what might happen if I put myself out there. We were both locking ourselves inside our self-made prison.
I swallowed hard, everything inside me in turmoil. “I thought... I thought you didn’t care either.”
Ning Yizhuo closed her eyes for a moment, as if processing everything in her head. When she opened them again, her gaze was full of quiet sincerity. “I care about you more than I care about myself, Aeri.” My heart clenched, relief washing over me.
“Is that… Is that why you have been leaving those coffee cups at my desk?” She nodded slowly, almost embarrassed now. “Yeah. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you. Even when I made all these stupid decisions to try and get you to react... I was still thinking about you… still wanting something real with you.”
My mind was racing, trying to process everything she was saying. All the things I thought I understood about her, all the things I thought I’d misinterpreted, suddenly started to unravel. And there was that damn coffee—something so simple, yet it had carried all this weight.
Her gaze dropped again, and I saw a flicker of regret. “I was scared of rejection. I thought when you caught me leaving coffee at your desk and didn’t say anything after… I thought that meant you didn’t really care, so I stopped. It’s stupid, I know, but I didn’t know what else to do.”
I stepped closer to her, feeling the distance between us finally start to close, but it wasn’t just physical. It felt like something we both needed. I reached out slowly, almost hesitantly, but she didn’t pull away. My fingers brushed against hers, and for the first time in days, I felt like maybe we could finally get to a place where we understood each other.
“Then I have to make this clear too,” I said as she looked at me with anticipation, still holding my hand as if I would disappear if she didn’t hold it tight enough. “You are worth the pain, Ning Yizhuo. I would die a thousand times if that meant that I get to fall in love with you a thousand times more.”
Her lips parted in surprise, and she took a shaky breath as if the words I’d just spoken had somehow unlocked something she wasn’t expecting. “Aeri…”
“I care about you more than you can imagine.” I took a step closer, closing the small gap that had always kept us separated, and gently cupped her cheek with my free hand. Her eyes widened, and her breath hitched, but she didn’t pull away. I let the distance between us shrink, my heart pounding in my chest with a mix of fear and hope.
“I’m sorry,” I said, the words coming out more effortlessly than I thought they would. “I’m sorry for making you feel like I didn’t care. I’m sorry for being so damn scared. I should’ve trusted you, trusted us.”
Her hand found its way to my shoulder, softly resting on it. Her other hand gripped mine tighter, our fingers intertwined, like she was trying to anchor herself in this moment, just like I was. “I’m sorry too,” she whispered, her voice barely audible. “I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you feel like you weren’t enough.” I closed my eyes, breathing in the steady rhythm of her words. We both had so much to apologize for, so many things to untangle.
“I don’t know where we go from here,” I said softly, opening my eyes to meet hers again. “But I know that I want to try… with you… if you’ll let me.”
Her gaze softened, and I saw something there—something I hadn’t seen before, but was so desperately craving: trust and perhaps, a little bit of hope.
“I want that too,” she said, and for the first time, her smile wasn’t guarded. It wasn’t hesitant or unsure. It was real.
Ning Yizhuo’s smile widened slightly, her hands moving to rest gently on my waist. “Then we’ll take it slow,” she said, the teasing glint back in her eyes. “No more pretending. Just... us.”
I nodded, my heart swelling in my chest with something that felt too big to hold, yet too beautiful to ignore.
“I like that,” I said with a smile of my own. “But break up with your girlfriend first,” I teased her, earning a smack on my shoulder.
Dear Diary,
I got myself a girlfriend.
No, scratch that.
Ning Yizhuo and I started dating. This time, it’s not pretend (not that it ever was, as it turns out. And yes, I know I’m stupid.)
Oh, and I heard Minjeong and Jimin knew about it, but couldn’t really just say it to my face because it’s still Ning Yizhuo’s feelings, not theirs. They seemed different too—closer than before. Never really heard what happened between them, to be honest. I didn’t really listen to Jimin’s ramble about Minjeong because I was busy exchanging smiles with my baby that time (sorry, Jimin. I’ll just ask you again tomorrow!)
P.S. The cup of coffee at my desk stopped coming.
P.P.S. My girlfriend, Ning Yizhuo, brought me to where she used to buy my coffee and we go there together now.
P.P.S. The coffee tastes better on her lips, btw. hehehe
Ning Yizhuo’s baby,
Aeri (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡