Chapter Text
The second Vera Misham's trial ends, Klavier bolts to the courthouse restrooms. He feels physically sick and his brain feels fuzzy.
Not now, not now, not now —
He manages to make it into a stall before he throws up all over the courthouse floor. Tears are running down his face and his brain feels even fuzzier. He hears the bathroom door open over his retching and cringes. Apollo Justice enters the stall he’s in.
“You’re okay, Klavier,” he says quietly, holding Klavier’s hair back for him. Klavier breaks down sobbing. Apollo continues, “Let it all out. You’ll feel a bit better.”
It takes a few minutes for Klavier to stop sobbing and dry heaving. He grabs a piece of toilet paper and wipes his face off, then throws the toilet paper in the toilet and flushes it, shaking violently.
“Are you doing okay?” Apollo asks, helping Klavier stand up. Klavier has to brace himself against the stall wall. He shakes his head.
“N-no,” he mumbles. “I-I thought I was fine once you p-proved Kristoph’s g-guilt but the t-trial ended and s-something snapped. I started f-feeling aggressively sick a-after the verdict was announced. My b-brain feels fuzzy t-too.”
“Your brain feels fuzzy? What do you mean?”
Klavier considers how to respond. He struggles doing that too for some reason.
“Words are hard and I can’t think straight.”
Apollo makes a noise like a contemplative hum.
“Anything else?”
Klavier thinks. He feels…
“Small,” he mumbles. “I feel small.”
Something like recognition lights up Apollo’s face and he gives Klavier a gentle smile.
“Well, you’re definitely not physically small,” he teases. “In all seriousness, I think you’re age regressing.”
“Was? Warum?” Klavier doesn’t even realize he’s defaulted to German until the words are out of his mouth.
“I don’t speak German, Klav,” Apollo gently reminds him. Klavier mumbles an apology, still speaking German. “Based on context, I’m assuming you’re wondering why you’d be age regressing.”
Klavier nods.
“I don’t know for sure, but it’s most likely being caused by the stress of the trial. It happens to me occasionally too, if I’m stressed enough. Usually my friend Clay acts as my caregiver when it happens. I can take care of you until you feel better, if you want.”
Klavier considers him for a moment.
“Ja, bitte,” Klavier says quietly. He must already be quite far regressed if he’s only able to speak German. Apollo nods.
“Did you drive your car or your motorcycle to the courthouse today?” he asks gently, offering a hand to Klavier. Klavier takes it.
“Auto,” Klavier replies; Apollo looks at him, confused, before realizing what Klavier means.
“Your car?”
Klavier nods.
“You’re probably not in a headspace to drive,” Apollo says, seemingly more to himself than Klavier. Klavier makes a noise of agreement. Apollo glances at Klavier. “So we have a few options. We can walk to your place or my place, which I don’t think is a great idea in your current headspace, we can get a ride to my place or your place and come back for your car later, I can —”
“Der zweite,” Klavier says quickly. “Mit Ema.”
“Just so we’re on the same page, you want to get a ride with Ema, correct?” Apollo asks; Klavier nods. “Alright, I should have her number. My apartment or your place?”
“Deine Wohnung,” Klavier replies. Apollo gives him a confused look.
“I have no idea what you just said, Klav.”
Klavier lets out an irritated huff. He didn’t think it’d be this… tiring to communicate when he physically couldn’t speak English. He points at Apollo.
“Ah, you want to go to my apartment,” Apollo states. Klavier nods. “Alright, we can do that. Do you want me to explain what’s going on to Ema?”
Klavier thinks about it for a moment before nodding again. Apollo gets his phone out. Klavier ignores the conversation he has with Ema. His name doesn’t feel right and the last time he broke down this bad was when he was a kid. He yawns.
We should take a nap when we get to Apollo’s place.
The thought causes his eyes to widen. We? He wasn’t referring to Apollo, because Apollo doesn’t seem as tired as Klavier feels. So who else was he referring to with “we”?
“Ema’s on her way to your car,” Apollo says, almost immediately taking Klavier out of his thoughts. Apollo’s brow furrows slightly and his brown eyes are concerned. “Everything okay?”
“Ja.”
Apollo offers a hand to Klavier. Klavier takes it and they leave the bathroom. Ema’s waiting by Klavier’s car when they get there.
“Feeling okay, fop?” she asks, looking at Klavier with an uncharacteristically concerned expression. Klavier nods, ignoring the way Ema’s nickname for him hurts. It’s never negatively affected him before, why is it now? Ema laughs quietly. “I’ll need your keys if you want me to drive you in your car to Justice’s place.”
“Ach, richtig,” Klavier says, and starts digging around in his pockets. His hands don’t feel like they’re working right; he can’t properly dig around in his pockets like he usually can. After what feels like several minutes of struggling, he manages to get his keys out of his pocket and hand them to Ema, who’s watching him with an incredibly concerned look.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Ema asks. Klavier nods.
“Ja. Gut.”
“Stuck in Deutscher Modus, huh?”
“N-nein —”
“Klavier, you’ve been speaking nothing but German since I mentioned I thought you were age regressing,” Apollo points out. “And minimally, at that. Just enough to get your point across.”
Klavier tries not to react to Apollo calling him by his name. That is his name, after all. Why was his instinct to react negatively to it? He decides to get in the back seat of his car, holding his arms out as if asking Apollo for a hug. Apollo watches him hesitantly for a second before getting in the back seat with him. Almost immediately, Klavier curls up against him.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Klav?” Apollo asks, lightly stroking Klavier’s hair. Klavier nods. He can hear Apollo messing with his bracelet but tries to ignore it.
“Klavier, if something’s wrong, Justice and I aren’t going to judge you for it,” Ema says, getting in the driver’s seat and starting the car. She sighs. “You… you don’t have to perform for us or whatever.”
“I just feel... off,” Klavier mumbles; his usually subtle accent is thick to a degree it hasn’t been in years.
“You’re able to speak English again, that’s a good sign,” Apollo says, continuing to mess with Klavier’s hair. He quickly texts his address to Ema so she knows where to go. “In what way do you feel off, aside from what you’ve already told me?”
“My name doesn’t feel right. Ema calling me fop hurt, when usually it doesn’t. I feel like… like I’m not in control of myself.”
“Elaborate?” Ema says from the driver’s seat as she starts heading to Apollo’s apartment.
“I’m really dissociated to the point nothing feels real and it feels like I’m possessed in some way. I’m struggling to remember what even happened at the trial. It’s like I wasn’t at most of the trial.”
The car goes silent. It’s a tense silence, like Klavier’s said something wrong.
“You… don’t by chance have a dissociative disorder, do you?” Ema asks, looking at Klavier through the rear-view mirror.
“Not that I’m aware of, why?”
“Because what you’re experiencing aligns almost perfectly with a dissociative disorder. My thing is forensic science, not psychology, but I think it’d be a good idea for you to see someone well-versed in dissociative disorders about this.”
“If it matters, my name feels… wrong. I don’t know what I currently want to be called, but Klavier doesn’t feel like my name, if that makes sense?”
Klavier feels Apollo tense next to him.
“You don’t… ‘identify’ with Klavier Gavin, so to speak,” Apollo says quietly. Klavier nods, but finds himself a bit confused by what he can see and feel of Apollo’s body language.
“What?” Klavier asks.
“I… I think I know what you’re experiencing, but it’ll be best to wait until we’re at my apartment.”
“Is… is it bad?”
“It depends on how you look at it, I guess. Do you still feel small?”
Klavier nods.
“I wanna suck on something.”
“Like what?”
“Dunno. My mouth just feels empty.”
“What are you two talking about back there?” Ema asks with a confused laugh.
“Well, he’s in littlespace, so I’m guessing that’s compelling him to want to suck on something,” Apollo explains. “Should be simple enough to remedy once we’re at my apartment.”
Klavier felt his face flush.
“Was?”
“Back to Deutscher Modus, Gavin?” Ema comments from the front seat. Klavier gives her a half-hearted glare.
The rest of the drive to Apollo’s apartment takes a few minutes. It’s silent, aside from the hum from the car’s engine. Klavier almost falls asleep. Almost. He was still close enough to falling asleep that Apollo had to carry him inside. That fact would surprise him if he was more awake.
“Do you deadlift or something, Apollo?” Ema asks Apollo with a laugh.
“He is not that heavy,” Apollo says, sounding irritated.
“Really?”
“Yeah, he’s just tall.”
Apollo groans irritably.
“Shit, I should’ve grabbed my keys before grabbing him.”
“Which pocket are they in?” Ema asks.
“I think I’ll just —”
Apollo was cut off by the sound of footsteps approaching. Klavier felt him tense.
“Clay, I thought you were still at work —”
“Nope. Why are you carrying Klavier Gavin into our apartment?”
“I’ll… I’ll explain inside.”
Klavier must’ve briefly fallen asleep, because the next thing he knows, Apollo’s putting Klavier down on a couch. He looks around, stretching; Apollo’s in front of him and Ema and someone he doesn’t know are next to Apollo.
“Who’s the new guy?” Klavier asks with a yawn.
“I’m Clay Terran, I’m Apollo’s roommate.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“I don’t know how good of an idea it is for me to tell you what I think is going on with Clay present, Klavier,” Apollo says, nervously rubbing his arm.
“He helps you out when you’re under stress, ja? He can stay.”
Apollo sighs.
“If you say so. First things first, how’s your identity feeling?”
“I still don’t feel like Klavier.”
Clay’s eyes widen.
“Hold on. Apollo, are you suggesting —”
“I —” Apollo sighs in an attempt to relax. “I think you’re experiencing a complex dissociative disorder. Without more information, I can’t really say which one is more likely, and I’m not a psychologist either, so I wouldn’t be able to diagnose anything anyway.”
“Apollo, are you sure?” Ema asks, looking at Apollo with a mildly panicked expression.
“Not necessarily, but….” Apollo lets out a shaky sigh. “When I finished law school, I found that I was experiencing identity issues completely unrelated to me having graduated law school. Nothing like ‘Is this really what I want to do with the rest of my life?’ but more like I was cycling through identities a lot. Some of it was like Klavier described, sometimes identifying as Apollo felt off. During the time I was unemployed, I decided to get it looked into and I was diagnosed with other specified dissociative disorder. The first sign was what felt like involuntary age regression but was actually a younger alter fronting. Clay’s known since I was diagnosed, but I haven’t told anyone else. When a younger alter fronts, Clay takes care of us.”
Klavier’s crying. Whatever he thought was going on, it wasn’t… this.
“Is there something else we should call you?” Clay asks. Klavier considers for a moment before shaking his head.
“N-nein.”
“Anything I can get you?”
“And remember that none of us are going to judge you,” Apollo adds. “Right, Ema?”
“Uh — oh, right. It’d be pretty rude of me to make fun of you for something you can’t control.”
“I still want something to suck on,” Klavier says quietly.
“Grab him some of the stuff you have for my littles,” Apollo tells Clay quietly. “I’m not entirely sure how young this specific alter is, but this is what it looked like when I first started noticing alters, and the first one I became aware of is around 3 or 4.”
Clay nods and runs off to another part of the apartment.
“Well, Apollo, it seems you and Clay have this pretty much under control,” Ema says. Apollo looks at her. “Am I good to go?”
Klavier whines in protest. Apollo chuckles.
“I don’t think Klavier wants you to leave.”
“I don’t really…,” Ema mumbles. Apollo interrupts her.
“Even if you just stay for Klavier’s comfort, I think there’s benefit to that,” he says with a gentle smile. “After all, the more people around him he trusts, the easier this is going to be for him.”
Ema nods with a sigh and sits down next to Klavier. Klavier instantly rests his head on her shoulder with a content sigh.
“I’m back,” Clay announces, putting everything he’d managed to pile into his arms on a recliner next to the couch. Apollo laughs.
“Clay, I said a few things, not our whole stash.”
“I’m an astronaut-in-training, it’s in my nature to be overprepared. Anyway, you still haven’t explained why Klavier Gavin is in our apartment in the first place.”
“Ah. Right.”
“It’s a lot,” Klavier says quietly.
“I don’t mind,” Clay assures him.
“My older brother Kristoph was found to be involved in forging evidence, murder, and attempted murder,” Klavier starts. “I didn’t want to believe it, so Apollo had to prove it decisively. I started feeling sick after the verdict was announced and Apollo caught me having a breakdown in the courthouse bathroom. For a while after that, I couldn’t speak English, and once I could speak English again, my accent was thicker than usual. Usually my accent isn’t even close to this thick. Apollo concluded I was age regressing, but I guess it’s more than just age regression.”
“That… is definitely a lot,” Clay comments. He grabs an adult-sized pacifier with space themed accessories on it from the things he’d brought and hands it to Klavier. Klavier feels his face flush but accepts the pacifier from Clay, waiting for Apollo’s approval before putting it in his mouth and sucking on it. He hides his face in Ema’s shoulder.
“You can just relax and take a nap, Klavier,” Apollo says quietly. “We’ll be here when you wake up.”
Klavier takes a deep breath and pulls the pacifier out of his mouth.
“Can I go potty first?” he asks quietly.
“You don’t need to ask,” Clay says quietly.
“But our brother always says it’s rude not to!”
Clay, Apollo, and Ema exchange glances.
“Hey, kiddo, how old are you?” Clay asks.
Klavier — no, that’s not his name. He thinks for a moment.
“Uhhh….”
“How about we start with your name instead?”
“Lukas.” Lukas feels right. “I think… I think I’m… four?”
“That was quick,” Apollo says cautiously.
“We can figure it out later,” Clay tells him before turning back to Lukas. “Lukas, do you know what year it is?”
Lukas considers the question. He feels like he should know.
“It’s okay, buddy,” Clay says with a gentle smile. “We’re just trying to figure things out. How about you go potty, and we can figure things out from there?”
Lukas nods. Apollo shows him to the bathroom. It’s close enough to the living room that he can hear what Clay, Ema, and Apollo are talking about.
“So something about this specific trial caused Lukas to front,” he hears Ema say. “He seems like he’s… stuck.”
“By which you mean…?” Clay asks.
“It’s 2026, but it seems like he still thinks he’s living with Kristoph.”
“If that was true, wouldn’t he have asked where he’s at or why he’s with us?”
“How about we just ask him a few more questions then let him take a nap?” Apollo says. He sounds irritated. “I don’t think Klavier realized he’s a system. The more we can do to make it easier to swallow, the better.”
“We should find out if Lukas knows what’s going on too,” Clay says with a sigh.
“Agreed.”
Lukas finishes up in the bathroom and goes to sit back down on Clay and Apollo’s couch next to Ema.
“Can we ask you some things, Lukas?” Apollo asks him. He seems concerned.
Lukas hesitates, nodding after a few seconds.
“Here’s a friend in case it gets stressful,” Clay says, handing Lukas a dog plushie.
“How many Laika plushies do you have stashed away somewhere?” Apollo asks, laughing.
“Too many.”
Lukas buries his face in the plushie with a sigh.
“Okay,” Apollo says. “Do you know what year it is?”
“I heard Ema say it’s 2026,” Lukas replies. “And… and I know it has to be, because I remember some of the stuff Klavier’s done. I know he’s in a band, and that he’s a lawyer. Or… would it be we’re in a band and we’re a lawyer?”
“You’re aware you’re a system then?”
Lukas nods.
“I thought Klavier knew too.”
“Why do you talk about Kristoph in the present tense?” Clay asks. “He’s been in prison for the past six months.”
Lukas’s eyes widen.
“He was arrested?”
“You must’ve been dormant for a while, Lukas,” Apollo comments. “He was arrested for….”
“For what? I can handle it!”
“He was arrested for murder, then got charged with forging evidence, attempted murder, and a second murder today.”
Lukas sighs.
“You don’t seem surprised by that, Lukas,” Ema observes.
“I’m not. Kris was never as mean to me as he was to Klavier.”
“He knows you’re a system then?”
Lukas nods.
“Or at least he probably realizes it. Klavier probably doesn’t even remember the worst of what he’s done,” he adds. “I probably don’t remember the worst of it.”
You’re right, I don’t, Klavier chimes in. The most I remember is a few instances of physical abuse. Why is your accent thicker than mine?
Lukas ignores him.
“Are you hungry at all?” Ema asks.
Lukas nods.
“Do you have anything in mind?” Clay asks.
“I don’t think so. A-Apollo, you said you have younger alters, right?”
Apollo nods.
“What do they usually like?”
“Let’s see… Jay was the first to show up and tends to be similar to you, and he likes boxed macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs in it.”
Lukas’s eyes light up.
Don’t you dare, Klavier says. He sounds affronted.
You’re not my dad.
Klavier makes an offended noise that makes Lukas giggle. Clay, Apollo, and Ema look at him.
“Klavier didn’t like that suggestion, did he?” Ema says, barely containing her own laughter.
“No,” Lukas replies. “He’s not fronting though. It sounds really good to me.”
You are not putting that in my body, Lukas.
Our body, Lukas corrects. You’re not fronting, I am. Besides, I’m four. Four-year-olds make weird food choices, don’t they?
Lukas hears Klavier sigh.
Fine.
“What do you want to do while you wait for dinner?” Ema asks.
“Can you color with me?” Lukas responds, watching Ema eagerly.
“Of course!”
Apollo leaves for a moment and comes back with a few coloring books and a box of crayons.
“Danke sehr, Apollo!” Lukas says happily.
“You’re welcome, buddy.”
Lukas grabs one of the coloring books; an animal themed one. He flips to a page with a cat on it and starts digging through the crayons.
“What color are you going to make your cat, Lukas?” Ema asks, grabbing a coloring book of her own.
“Hmm... orange, black, and white!”
“Ooh, a calico cat,” Ema comments as she starts coloring her own picture. Lukas nods, putting the pacifier he’s still holding back in his mouth and sucking on it absently.
Why are you, as a four-year-old, sucking on a pacifier? Klavier asks.
It’s comforting, Lukas responds. He moves to lay on his belly. Laika gets tucked under his arm.
Aren’t you still tired? I wouldn’t think a switch would make us less tired. If anything it seems like it’d make us more tired.
I am tired, I just wanna eat before going to sleep.
Whatever, you’re the one fronting.
Lukas looks over at what Ema’s coloring. It looks like… a garden of some sort. Ema glances at the cat Lukas has been coloring.
“That looks really nice, Lukas!” she tells him with a smile. Lukas meets her with a smile of his own.
“Danke!” he says around the pacifier in his mouth.
By the time Lukas is done coloring his cat, Clay and Apollo have finished making dinner.
“Here you go, kiddo,” Clay says, handing Lukas a bowl. Lukas removes the pacifier from his mouth, putting it on the nearby coffee table.
“Danke!”
Lukas sits up and starts shoveling his macaroni and cheese with hot dog bits into his mouth.
Lukas, slow down, you’ll make us sick.
I’m so hungry though!
Lukas, we’ve already thrown up once today, I’d rather not do it again.
Lukas lets out an annoyed sigh but slows down. Ema gives him an amused look but doesn’t say anything.
“Klavier’s being annoying,” Lukas complains. Clay chokes.
“Yeah, being a system can be like that,” Apollo says, failing miserably at holding back his laughter.
Lukas finishes the rest of his meal in silence, then puts his pacifier back in his mouth and curls up against Ema.
“Tired?” she asks him. He nods. “Unfortunately, I can’t stay any longer. I have some reports I need to file.”
Lukas whines in protest.
“Sorry, buddy,” Ema says gently. “I promise I’ll come back as soon as possible, okay?”
Lukas nods. Ema leaves, bidding farewell, and as soon as she’s gone, Clay and Apollo are by Lukas’s side.
You’re more attached to her than I would’ve expected, Klavier observes. I know Apollo, and Apollo’s a great person. If he trusts Clay, I think Clay’s safe. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
Lukas sighs.
“She’ll be back,” Apollo assures him, rubbing Lukas’s back. “Promise.”
“How’s she planning to leave anyway?” Clay asks. “Didn’t she drive you guys here in Klavier’s car?”
Apollo nods.
“She’s taking a cab, probably. Lukas, let’s get you in bed.”
Lukas whines and shifts so most of his weight is on Apollo.
“C’mon, Lukas,” Clay says gently. “You and Klavier have had a long day from what I’ve heard. You need to sleep. I’m sure Apollo’s willing to stay with you if that’s what you want.”
Lukas sighs and nods against Apollo’s shoulder.
“Alright, come with me,” Apollo says quietly as he and Lukas get up. Lukas follows him to what Lukas assumes is a room Apollo shares with Clay, judging by the mix of space related paraphernalia and what Klavier tells him are law books. He also takes note of the plastic stars on the ceiling and walls. Apollo seems to notice. “You like those? Clay put them up. I’ve been able to sleep pretty nicely since he did.”
Lukas lays down on the bed and curls up on a ball. Apollo sits down next to him.
“Feeling okay?” he asks gently, running a hand through Lukas’s hair. Lukas nods and closes his eyes. After that, it doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep.