Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Maxi wasn’t himself, he hadn’t been for a while and other lifeguards were beginning to notice, especially Hoppo, Kerrbox and Harries, who worked with him the most. The young lifeguard was feeling the pressure, all the expectations and responsibilities that weighed heavily on his shoulders. He had to put up a front for the public, being the strong and fearless lifeguard that saved lives. It was getting harder to smile at the cameras and pretend that everything was ok. When the cameras weren’t on him, he was quiet and deep in thought when not occupied by the job. Kerrbox noticed Maxi’s silence; he’d seen this before, about a year ago when everything had caught up to the kid at the end of the season. Back then, he made sure Maxi knew that he could come talk to him or any of the older lifeguards. He decided to check in with Maxi at lunch time.

It was around 1pm; Maxi, Kerrbox and Harries were in the tower with Harries quickly eating lunch before heading back out to the beach. Kerrbox wheeled his chair next to Maxi who was looking out at backpackers through binoculars.

“You’ve been quiet lately, mate. Everything alright” he asked softy, not wanting to make a scene.

Maxi hesitated and lowered the binoculars “Just tired.”

Kerrbox snorted, not convinced in the slightest “I think it’s more than just being tired.”

Maxi sighed “I’m fine, Box.”

Kerrbox figured that he wasn’t going to get much out of Maxi right now “You know you can talk to me whenever, right? Whatever it is.”

Nodding, Maxi brought the binoculars back up to his eyes, clearly signalling that he didn’t want to talk. Kerrbox pushed away and rolled back to where he was positioned before. He needed to keep a close eye on Maxi, worried that if the youngster didn’t open up soon, he would have a breakdown. Little did Kerrbox know, Maxi was quietly planning a suicide attempt in his head.

A couple of hours passed, a strong rip had formed down south. Harries was situated there, megaphone in hand, yelling at swimmers to swim between the flags. Kerrbox was not far up from him, Deano was up North and Maxi and Gonzo were in the tower. It was almost time for Harries to swap with Maxi. Gonzo spotted 4 people in the rip in front of Harries. He radioed down and Harries was in like a flash, with Kerrbox running down the beach to back him up.

“Think you’ll need to head down” Gonzo mentioned to Maxi, who was already preparing to go.

Maxi jogged outside to the waiting rhino and sped down to south corner. With his shirt already stripped off, he grabbed the board as soon as he stopped and ran into the waves. When he got there, Harries was halfway in with a woman and child and Kerrbox had the two other people clinging to his board.  Shouting strict instructions, Kerrbox told one to jump on Maxi’s board so he could get the other on his. It was a struggle as both patients were exhausted. Waves kept crashing and the current was strong. A wave washed over them all, tipping Maxi’s board. Him and his patient were tossed into the water and the board washed away from grasp. By some miracle, the man that Maxi was rescuing had also been washed up closer to the shore. Close enough for Harries to pick him up as he was on his way out again to help. Kerrbox had managed to catch the wave in.

As Maxi’s board flipped over, Maxi had gone under. He cursed internally, hoping the man he had was alright. He held his breath underwater and thought about surfacing but his mind drifted.

This could be an easy way out.
A freak accident that no one would think was suicide.
Just stay underwater and drown.

His heart beat out of his chest; he could just open his mouth, take a breath and drown. No one would know that he stayed under on purpose. As the feeling of needing to breath grew stronger, Maxi’s body turned to autopilot and pushed himself to swim up. Gulping in the fresh air, Maxi began swimming to shore, heart still beating rapidly; why didn’t he just let himself drown? Kerrbox was waiting for him in the shallow water.

“I was just about to go in after you” he joked and patted Maxi on the back, noticing that the kid was out of breath “Did you swallow any water?” he asked.

Maxi shook his head, still trying to catch his breath. A part of him wanted to run back into the water, never to be seen again. He should have just stayed underwater, a perfect situation to just disappear and it would’ve been called an accident.

“You alright, mate?” Kerrbox spoke softly, concern on his face.

Maxi snapped out of his thoughts “Yeah, just need to catch my breath.”

Again, Kerrbox patted Maxi on the back and headed back to his post. Harries was headed back to the tower, leaving Maxi on his own to watch the south corner. He was left alone with his thoughts once more but he didn’t know how much more he could take.

Rescues kept Maxi busy but between the rescues he couldn’t help but think about ending it all. The plans he had created were a mix of different methods. Taking an overdose or drinking an amount of alcohol before going into the water at night, or jumping off the cliffs. There was the temptation to get it over with tonight, after everyone had gone home. He couldn’t wait for the day to be over.

The hours ticked by; Gonzo had swapped with Deano and Hoppo was now in the tower with Harries and Deano, but he wasn’t for long. He had to rush down to North to back up Gonzo with a rescue that he hoped wouldn’t turn into a resus. Luckily, no defib was needed and Hoppo patrolled the beach for a while. Down the south end, Maxi was struggling, becoming restless and agitated and on the verge of breaking down. With packing up time approaching, Maxi was ready to give up. He could see a couple of the boys lowering the flags and signs further up the beach. Mental and physical exhaustion finally caught up with the young lifeguard and he slowly lowered himself onto the sand. Kerrbox noticed and made his way over to Maxi, sitting down next to him.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Maxi whispered, admitting defeat.

Kerrbox’s heart sank “Talk to me, mate.”

“I’ve been trying to hold it together. Smiling, joking, doing the job, but inside I’m falling apart. Every morning, I wake up and wonder what is the point. I feel like I’m failing everyone, I’m not good enough.” Maxi’s voice broke.

“Oh, Maxi… you’re not failing anyone and you’re definitely good enough, don’t tell yourself otherwise” Kerrbox offered some comfort.

Maxi looked down at the sand, wondering whether or not to tell Kerrbox about his suicidal thoughts. He contemplated just running into the water.

“Maxi?” Kerrbox looked at him, concern written all over his face when he didn’t respond.

“I want to kill myself” Maxi admitted, quietly.

Kerrbox was taken aback by Maxi’s confession. He pulled the kid into a tight hug. Tears began streaming down Maxi’s face as he reciprocated Kerrbox’s hug. Muffled sorry’s and sobs escaped his lips as Kerrbox comforted him the best he could.

“Do you want to go somewhere more private?” Kerrbox asked, thinking of where to go. The tower was probably the best place as it was out of the sun and public eye but he was worried that Maxi wouldn’t want to show any vulnerability in front of the other guys. The next best option would be Hoppo’s office.

Speaking of Hoppo, he was in front of the tower by the tunnel and had just spotted Kerrbox and Maxi sat on the sand. He knew that Maxi hadn’t been himself and quite possibly he had reached a point where he couldn’t hide his struggles anymore. Making a quick decision, he decided to head down there to make sure everything was ok, even though he had a feeling things were far from ok. As he approached the two guys, he could hear faint sobs and could see Maxi’s body shaking as he got closer. Hoppo crouched down next to Kerrbox and tapped him gently on the arm. Kerrbox craned his neck to look at Hop.

“What’s going on, Box?” Hoppo asked, softly spoken.

“Say’s he wants to kill himself” Kerrbox answered with sorrow in his eyes.

Hoppo kept his demeanour calm as he processed what Kerrbox had just told him.

“We need to get him to the tower, out of the sun and away from the water” Hoppo knew some people would go drown themselves in the sea as a means of killing themselves, so he wanted to get Maxi away from the water as a precaution.

Agreeing, Kerrbox tried to coax Maxi to stand up and get in the rhino. With a shaky breath, Maxi pulled away from Kerrbox and wiped his face with his shirt. Slowly, he stood up and with the help of Kerrbox, he got into the rhino. Hoppo got in the driver’s seat and Kerrbox jumped on back. Once back at the tower, Maxi shakily made his way up the stairs and into the tower where Harries currently was. Through binoculars, he watched everything, unsure on what had happened.

“Um… Harries can you gives us a minute?” Kerrbox gave him a look to get the message across.

Harries nodded “I’ll go help the others pack up” and with that, he left Hoppo, Kerrbox and Maxi sat in the tower.

“Maxi, we are very worried about you, mate. We want to help, be there for you” Hoppo said.

“I know, I’m sorry” Maxi sniffled “Everything’s got to much. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for weeks and I’ve wanted to act on them these past couple of days” Maxi admitted.

“You can always come talk to us, Maxi. We’d never want it to get so bad that we end up losing you” Hoppo smiled weakly.

“Yeah, and I can’t even fathom having to retrieve your body from the water” Kerrbox shuddered at the thought.

Maxi thought about that sentence “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be a lifeguard, I’m just a burden.”

Kerrbox leaned in. “You’re not a burden, and you’re one of us. If you’re having a bad day and bad thoughts, we want to know.”

“We’ve seen too many people suffer in silence and turn to suicide. We’re not letting that happen to you.” Hoppo added, thinking of times where people have jumped off the cliffs.

Kerrbox nodded. “We’re going to help you through this. No matter what. You’re not alone, Maxi.”

Maxi couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, he knew it was the right thing to do by telling them about his thoughts, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt rising in his chest.

“You going to be alright going home on your own tonight?” Hoppo queried.

Nodding, Maxi reassured them that he would be ok, he just needed some time to get his head straight.

“Take the rest of the week off, I’ll get someone to cover for you. Call us any time, alright” Hoppo gave Maxi a pat on the back.

Kerrbox offered to take Maxi home which he accepted. As Kerrbox drove home, he hoped that Maxi would be ok for the night and that he would check in on him in the morning.

Chapter Text

It was 8:15 when Kerrbox received a call from Hoppo.

“Hey Hop” Box answered his phone.

“I don’t want to worry you…”

Kerrbox shot up from his sofa; a call that starts like that is definitely something to worry about.

“We’ve had a report of a young guy who went into the water at Bondi and he hasn’t been seen coming out”

Kerrbox’s heart sank “You-you don’t think…”

“I don’t know, Box. I don’t have much detail right now. I’ve got other lifeguards on their way down to help search. They don’t know what we know about Maxi, and I’d like it to stay that way for now. Can you get down here?”

“Already out the door, mate. Be there soon” Kerrbox hung up and forced himself to adhere to speed limits as he headed to the beach.

Thinking on his feet, he swung by Maxi’s place to find it dark and no answer when he practically banged on the door. The kid wasn’t answering his phone either. He swore as he jogged back to his car and continued to the beach. He kicked himself for allowing Maxi to go home on his own. When he got to the beach, Hoppo was talking to Harries, Deano, Chappo and Whippet, filling them in on what he knew; Kerrbox joined the briefing.

“The guy in question is said to be between 18 and 25…”

Kerrbox listened to the brief description Hoppo had from witnesses and much to his dread, it matched Maxi’s description, for the most part. The witnesses were sat on the hill watching the sunset and couldn’t see distinctive features of the person. Hoppo instructed for the jet ski to be launched and for Deano and Chappo to be on it. Harries went to talk to the witnesses. Police had just showed up too, so Hoppo had to speak to them; Kerrbox tagged along, while Whippet went onto the beach with binoculars but light was beginning to fade.

The police walked onto the beach and called the police helicopter to assist in the search. Kerrbox and Hoppo were now alone in the tower. Letting his guard down, Hoppo ran his hands through his hair, stressed and concerned. Kerrbox shared his concern; he didn’t want to think the worse. The sound of the helicopter prompted them to leave the tower and head down the beach to where witnesses said they saw the person enter the water. The chopper circled the water, looking for anything or anyone in the water. With every passing minute, worry grew and grew from everyone involved. Kerrbox and Hoppo exchanged glances several times, thinking the worst that one of their own had taken their own life.

Up on the cliffs sat Maxi, alone with his thoughts. He didn’t want to sit at home all evening with bad thoughts, so he decided to go watch the sun set on the cliffs. That’s when he heard the helicopter fly overhead. He looked down at the beach and spotted police and recognised a few of his colleagues. Something was going on down there and he was probably needed. Pushing any bad thoughts aside, he made his way down to the beach and approached Hoppo and Kerrbox, who looked shaken. Hoppo happened to turn towards Maxi’s direction and his heart leaped.

“What’s going on Hop?” Maxi questioned.

Kerrbox spun round “Fuck me” without a second thought he wrapped his arms around Maxi and hugged him tight.

“Whoa…ok” Maxi reciprocated, not knowing why he was being hugged so tightly.

“Mate, there’s a report of a missing person who entered the water and hasn’t come out” Hoppo explained “We were thinking it was you” his voice lowered to almost a whisper.

The reality of the situation dawned on Maxi “Shit. I was just sat on the cliffs, needed some air.”

“Mate, you scared the hell out of us.” Kerrbox said, letting go of Maxi.

“I didn’t mean to,” Maxi said quietly.

“It’s alright mate. I’ll leave you with Kerrbox, we still got a missing person” Hoppo patted Maxi and then Kerrbox on the back and went to speak to the police on scene for an update from the heli.

“You alright?” Kerrbox asked.

“Yeah, I just didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts.”

“Want to stay at mine tonight?” Kerrbox offered.

Maxi nodded “If you don’t mind.”

Maxi and Kerrbox hung around for a while as the search continued but the sun set and the search was called off for the night. Before heading off, Hoppo caught up with the two guys.

“Remember, Maxi, you’re not alone. Talk to us, we’re here for you” Hoppo smiled.

“Thanks, Hop. And thanks Kerrbox”

“Don’t need to thank me, mate. You’re not just a mate, you’re family and all the boys would be heartbroken if you did anything” Kerrbox’s voice cracked.

“That means a lot to me. I’ll look into counselling and get my head sorted. I owe you and Hoppo a lot” Maxi teared up.

“We’re glad you’re safe and we will always be here for you” Kerrbox was now welling up.

Maxi put his arm around Kerrbox who looked like he needed some reassurance that everything was gonna be alright.