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"Where the hell is my bento Baka-Shinji?! I don't have all freaking day, y'know!"
The routine and very loud yelling of one Asuka Langley Soryu shattered the quiet of the Katsuragi household. Misato winced at the noise, nursing a headache from yet another hangover, God, would it kill that girl to lower her voice? She wondered. NERV's upper brass had her running quite ragged most days, hence the need to hit the Yebisu just a little bit harder; now she also had to deal with Asuka's shrill voice, too? That was a big ask in the Major's opinion, especially since the Second Child's early morning complaints were directed at someone entirely undeserving of them. Every morning of every day, the redhead had some new bone to pick with Misato's other charge: Shinji Ikari.
"I-it's almost done Asuka!" Shin-chan yelped as he hurriedly stuffed his roommate's lunch. Misato glanced at the young boy from her spot on the living room couch. The Third Child kept his gaze away from Asuka lest he accidentally tick her off even more, which wasn't a hard thing to do with how irritable the girl was nowadays - even more than usual. Perhaps due to her recent sync scores, which haven't been up to snuff compared to Little Miss Soryu's personal best, or maybe because her "beloved Kaji" was out of town, who knows with her. Whatever it was it left her taking out her anger on her resident punching bag, something Misato should be doing more to prevent.
"I-it's almost done Asuka," the redhead mocked in a nasally tone, "Mein Gott, you're such a wimp. Hurry it up!"
...but short of permanently separating the two pilots there wasn't much to do, honestly. Misato could reprimand Asuka until her face turned blue, but the girl would either scoff and tell her off, or feign regret and then immediately fall back to her usual routine of picking on her Shin-chan. It didn't help that Shinji was not one to fight back, ever. He took the verbal abuse, unfair as it was, with very little pushback on his part. It's why Misato often had to step in (and even then her own methods were very shoddy...). Like now, as the fiery girl had yet to stop berating Misato's favorite ward. Okay, that's quite enough now, time for her to step in. Huffing out a quiet, incredibly annoyed, sigh, Misato turned to where Asuka stood by the entrance hallway and snapped at her. "Back off, Asuka. Shin-chan is already getting your lunch ready. Maybe instead of nagging him, you should be thanking him for cooking every day."
Asuka's sour expression morphed further into a sneer as she scoffed at Misato.
"Whatever, Miss Drunkard. No one asked for your opinion."
"Don't care, now zip it." Her voice lowered dangerously, but Asuka remained defiant.
"Make me!"
Ugh, it really was too early for her antics... Before Misato could spit back a retort of her own, Shinji stepped in with a sheepish look. "It's okay Misato, I don't mind."
That's not the point, the purple-haired woman groaned as she watched him quickly hand Asuka her bento which got him no gratitude from the Second Child. Afterward, her two charges gather their things and make their way out of their apartment for school. Shinji is the only one to bid her goodbye.
"See you later Misato!" He shouted from the entrance.
"Later Shin-chan! You too Asuka!"
"...Whatever."
Left to her lonesome, Misato wondered what the hell to do. She didn't have to show up to work until later in the evening; one of the very few perks of being Major Katsuragi was the ability to leave menial paperwork to any particular subordinate. Her first thought is, of course, to fill her gut with beer. Hey, not like she had anything better to do, when left to her own devices at home Misato rarely ever ventured beyond the things she was most comfortable doing: drinking and getting whatever sleep she could before her responsibilities whisked her away from her little slice of paradise, or alternatively, until Pen-Pen came waddling over demanding to be fed. Speaking of, the penguin was nowhere to be seen this morning; likely still knocked out in her bedroom. That bird's sleep schedule was arguably worse than Misato's, as she often heard Shinji yelp at the sight of Pen-Pen still wandering about when he went for a late-night bathroom break.
Well, one less headache to worry about, she shrugged to herself and went to grab herself another can of beer. She was running low, and that might've been a sign for most others to cut back, but the Major subscribed to no such self-induced guilt trips. I'll send Shin-chan grocery shopping later and have him pick up a few more cans.
Ah, Shin-chan. Her poor ward was always dealt the short end of the stick in most aspects of his young life. Forced into piloting a giant mecha at the demands of his cold bastard of a father, fighting otherworldly monstrosities that would make most grown men shit themselves with said mecha, and dealing with a drunkard caretaker and a girl who seemingly couldn't stand the sight of him. It's no wonder that he gravitated towards Rei most days, the enigmatic First Child never demanded anything from Pilot Ikari. Misato did her best to swallow the guilt by taking an extra-large swig of her beer, her face grimacing at the pleasant bitterness.
"That hits the spot." She proclaimed to no one in particular.
Back to the issue of Shinji and Asuka. Misato knew she had to do something else besides her usual half-hearted reprimands, but what to do exactly? Smack the girl? No. Misato wasn't above that style of reprimand, per se, but it would likely turn Asuka's disdain of Shinji even more heated. Besides, the pilot of Unit-02 had yet to resort to violence beyond pinching Shinji on the arm. Didn't make it right, anyway.
"Hmmm," Misato gave it more thought. "Maybe Asuka isn't the issue I gotta deal with right now, but Shin-chan himself." In particular the boy's aversion to any confrontation of any kind. That wasn't a bad thing. In contrast to how exasperating her foul-mouthed and demanding female ward was, Misato appreciated how peaceful her male ward was most days - his serene look when he played his cello tugged at her heartstrings. Yet she wasn't blind to how susceptible Shinji was to getting taken advantage of. By the whole world, myself included, she thought bitterly.
"Now then... how to deal with THAT?" It wouldn't be easy; his low self-esteem made it impossible to get any sort of confidence out of the youngest Ikari. Even piloting his Eva did little to help (arguably it made the matter much worse). While she kept thinking of ways to help out her ward, Misato remembered that the first conflict Shinji faced besides Sachiel was when faced with an upset Toji. The other boy cracked him across the face in anger because of an injury his younger sister had obtained due to the collateral damage caused by the battle between Unit-01 and the Third Angel. Shinji didn't fight back then, NERV kept the incident under wraps (with a quiet reminder to the Suzuhara family of the consequences should that happen again), but it all worked out as the two boys became good friends shortly after.
It's then that the metaphorical lightbulb sparked to life above her purple hair. That's it! She could teach her Shin-chan a thing or two about defending himself. Teaching him to actively fight back was a hurdle far too tall for one lonely Major, but if not that, then perhaps the best way to start was for him to defend himself from any would-be aggressors. And who better to be his instructor than Misato herself? She knew enough about self-defense techniques, given her role within the agency, and Shin-chan trusted her enough to know she would not steer him wrong! Besides, Shinji was her responsibility, and because of that, Misato felt compelled to take action — it's either that or Asuka picks on him for all of eternity.
"To think Rits said drinking was turning me into an idiot..." She grinned and held up her can of Yebisu, the light reflecting off the sheen of condensation giving it a golden glow. "Good ideas like this can only come from a mind pumped full of good booze!"
It's then that Pen-Pen finally emerged from her bedroom, his steps wobbly as he shook off the last of his sleep. Looking around, no doubt in search of the household's young cook, the penguin realized Shinji wasn't around and turned his sights to Misato. He squawked at her, his signal for "Hey, Shinji ain't here, so it's time for you to feed me." Misato did so, all the while rambling to Pen-Pen her plan, "The Shinji Ikari Self Defense Project" as she so proudly titled it.
"—and that's how I'll improve Shin-chan's inability to fend off Asuka and anyone else looking to pick on him! Pretty smart eh, Pen-Pen?"
If the too-smart animal cared at all about her ramblings, he didn't make it obvious as he continued to devour the sardines she placed for him. Misato pouted at Pen-Pen's lack of enthusiasm, "What, not a fan?"
The penguin squawked at her. Misato stuck her tongue out in response.
"...Oh, what do you know? You're a penguin!"
Later that day, once school let out, Shinji and Asuka arrived home to the shocking sight of a barren living room. Gone were the TV, the small table, plus its accompanying cushions, and basically anything that wasn't the couch. A strange sight it was to see the living room cleared of most of what made it...well, a living room.
"Okay, what the hell?"
Asuka broke the silence before Shinji. She turned to the Third Child as if he held the answers she was looking for, but the boy merely shrugged. He was just as confused as she was!
"Uh... Maybe spring cleaning came early?" He offered lamely, ignoring the fact that they were in the middle of a perpetual summer. Asuka rolled her eyes, "...Wow, great explanation Baka-Shinji. Like Misato would ever get off her ass and clean her pigsty. That's why she has you here for, remember."
"I was just guessing, what do you want from me?"
"I want you to shut up, Third."
"Shin-chan! Asuka! How was school?"
Breaking them out of their bewilderment was the voice of their Major. The two teens took one good look at her sauntering into view, then looked at each other, then back at her. Replacing her usual loungewear of that yellow tank top and denim shorts was the same ridiculous dance outfit she forced the three Eva pilots to wear when they had to synchronize perfectly with one another - an embarrassing memory for Shinji more than anyone as Toji and Kensuke had yet to let him live it down.
"Uh... What, uh, what are you wearing?" The boy asked, awkwardly adjusting the strap of his school bag. "And what's with the living room being empty?"
"Ah, that. Well, we're gonna be needing the space for today. Man, let me tell you, it was NOT easy moving some of that stuff by myself!" The older woman started, then shot Pen-Pen a mean side-eye. "...And some around here couldn't be bothered to lend a helping hand."
Asuka snorted. "Did you finally run out of space for all that beer you drink?"
"Har har, very funny. It's not because of that, it's for... well, let's say it's for training." Misato further explained. "Shin-chan, I feel you're far too scared of defending yourself! Today we're gonna fix that." Or try our damn hardest... Shinji stared at her like she'd grown a second head, unsure as to what he should even say. Luckily for him, Asuka swooped in his stead.
"Ha! And how exactly are you gonna do that? Last I checked Baka-Shinji is too much of a coward to fight back against anything. Look," And to prove her point she flicked Shinji's forehead. The boy winced in pain, but true enough, didn't do anything in retaliation and simply rubbed his forehead. "See? Lost cause this one."
"Cut it out Asuka." The purple-haired woman's reprimand was met with a snicker. Misato groaned and quickly dismissed Asuka to her room, or Hikari's if she so pleased. Shinji stood idly by, likely wishing she would give him a similar out to no avail. Sorry Shin-chan, this is for your own good.
"Alright, Shinji, I know this is sudden and kinda out there, but trust me when I say it'll do you good." Her words did very little to dissuade her charge from seeking an exit. Although, the next part certainly made things even less appealing to him: "We're gonna practice some self-defense techniques, okay?"
"...Uh, no?"
"Yes, we are." Misato reiterated, unfazed by his apprehension.
Shinji shook his head in fear. "No, we're not. I don't want to."
"Shinji." She said sternly, more than she meant to, which jolted the boy and reverted him back to that ever subservient attitude as he eeked out a quiet "...okay ma'am." Misato sighed, she didn't mean to do that, but if it got the boy somewhat onboard then progress was progress.
"Okay, so first, we're gonna go over some of the ways you can break free if someone's got a tight hold on you. First, I'm gonna grab you and you try to break free in any way you can, got it? I wanna see what we're working with."
Shinji blinked but nodded hesitantly.
"I'm still in my uniform though..."
"It's fine Shin-chan, Ritsuko called me earlier to let you guys know you have sync tests all morning tomorrow. Anyway, ready?"
"...Yes?" The hesitation was palpable, but Misato didn't give Shinji the chance to reconsider his answer as she quickly crossed the short distance between them and twisted him around to grab him from behind. The Major required little effort given the Third Child's lithe and too thin figure. I'm doing a shitty job at keeping you fed, aren't I? She silently wondered as she subconsciously held him closer.
"Alright, now try to break free." She instructed.
Shinji tried. Her poor Shin-chan tried his hardest to break free from her grip, but all he managed to do was tire himself out and nearly collapse in her arms from exertion. Misato chewed her lip in contemplation; clearly, there was the issue of Shinji being way, WAY, too lacking in upper body strength to even muster the force needed to break free. The one silver lining? Well, uh... at least he wasn't Asuka? Misato shuddered at the thought of ever trying something like this with the redhead. Her foot would be stomped to hell and she'd be sporting bite marks all over her forearm, probably even a bloody nose if the girl resorted to butting the back of her head against hers.
Letting him go Misato quietly ponders if maybe her plan is straight up dead in the water? There wasn't much that could be taught if Shinji was too weak to even attempt to fight back against her hold. Honestly, she was beginning to think this was a stupid idea from the start — the damn buzz from the beer earlier oversold her on it. Shaking her head, she rejected the idea that it was all for naught. No, Shin-chan just needs a little more help, not everything can be done in a day!
"Misato are we done?" Shinji asked, looking entirely done with this whole experiment and looking ready to bolt.
"Not at all! Let's try this again, and put some effort this time." She commanded the teen before charging at him once more.
...Unfortunately for both, Shinji's body was not built to be yanked back to back so forcefully and down to the carpeted floor they went. The older woman looked down at her charge, groaning as he sat back up. "You okay, Shin-chan?"
"I think so?"
"Good. Let's try again."
"...Actually, I think I broke a rib or two."
The skies above Tokyo-III were a deep purple hue by the time Asuka returned from Hikari's place. She was exhausted and starving, so that idiot better be done with whatever Misato roped him into. Once inside the Katsuragi apartment, she was met with the sight of Shinji sprawled on the still empty living room, looking exhausted. The sight of the lanky, pathetic, wimp brought out a sliver of sympathy from the redhead as she looked down at him.
"...Baka-Shinji, you better pray you never end up in prison." She said. The idiot gave a confused "Huh?" as he continued to writhe on the floor like a cockroach after being sprayed with bug spray. Done with him Asuka turned her attention to the only other person nearby: the unfazed and already buzzed caretaker of theirs.
"How'd your little training with the wimp go?"
"Don't even start..." Misato shot her a glare whilst sipping her beer. The sight of six empty cans beside her told the Second Child all she needed to know about the outcome of the older woman's "self defense training".
"Told ya, lost cause."
The woman hummed thoughtfully despite her words, "Maybe so, but I learned a few things despite this."
Asuka cocked an eyebrow. "What's that?"
Misato raised a finger. "First, I need to feed him better."
Then she stood while raising a second finger, "Second, I'm really putting my foot down when it comes to how you treat him, Missy." Before Asuka could tell her off, Misato raised a third finger. "Lastly..."
The teen girl barely had time to react before the purple-haired Major flicked her forehead, hard. "Ouch! What the hell is your problem?!"
"Is that even if he can't do much to fend for himself, I don't mind looking after Shin-chan." And with that she retreated to the bathroom a she was in dire need of a shower, leaving behind a still exhausted Shinji and a fuming Asuka.
...
The walls of their apartment were tragically thin, Misato learned this almost immediately after moving in. So even as the lukewarm water cascaded down from the showerhead, she could still hear her two wards loud and clear — helped by the fact that Asuka was too damn loud.
"That damn bitch! What the hell's her deal? And why the hell are you smiling for Third? Get to cooking before I crush you..."
Dear God, had she not just set things straight with that girl? Shinji's voice pipes up right after, his words only proving Misato's point:
"Didn't you hear what she just said?"
"I did and I don't care! Besides, she's in the shower and can't hear precious little Shin-chan getting pummeled can she now?" Yes, she can. "So chop-chop Ikari."
Now's your chance, Shin-chan, Misato held out hope. It's immediately dashed as his meek reply to Asuka's demands could be heard.
"...Yes ma'am."
And with that, The Shinji Ikari Self-Defense Project was essentially back to the drawing board.