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Shinji never understood "Our Lady of Mount Carmel". He'd read about her from a little devotional handbook he was given at church a few years back - some english guy experienced an apparition of the Blessed Virgin Mary, telling him that anybody who wears the habit of his order (the Carmelites) would go to heaven. Or, something like that, he didn't really remember it that well. Fat chance, Shinji thought. Why would the mother of God appear to some random monk and tell him, as though he's won the lottery, that the habit of his order is now some golden ticket to heaven? Doesn't she have better things to do? To top it all off, the apparitions were never even fully verified by the Vatican, which gives Shinji even less of a reason to believe something like that. He looked up at the statue of Our Lady of Mount Carmel in front of him - he couldn't deny, he liked the aesthetic of her dark brown habit, which was also awkwardly draped over a tiny little Child Christ sitting in her hand. He liked the look a lot better than the Our Lady of Fatima images; with those it was just a plain white veil, tucking away her hair, like the onlooker was somehow unworthy of seeing it. At least with the Carmel ones, Shinji could freely see the hair of Our Lady, His Lady. And unlike the more generic Virgin Mary statues, like the one he keeps in his room, where the Blessed Mother looks down on us with a stereotypically kind expression on her pretty face, and beckons us towards her, as if that's so easy to do, as if I can just walk into her arms, as if I can just forget everything you've let happen to me and just give in, as if I can pray ceaselessly like some monk and just turn my eyes up to God's mother - this one was actually giving Shinji something. The scapular, the apparent golden ticket. If Shinji died in the eva while wearing one of these, all his troubles would wash away, apparently. It was only two small pieces of brown cloth tied together, hanging from her sculpted hand, and it supposedly held so much power. If God, in all his mercy, decided to give man this great ticket, to just ignore all a person's sins and let them in on having worn this piece of cloth, why couldn't he just offer it anyway? Shinji frowned a little. He bet, privately, in the corner of his brain where he thought God couldn't hear him, that his Father wears one. He bet that he would die fighting in the eva, protecting humanity, and have no chance to go to Heaven for all these thoughts of his, and his dad, whenever he'd eventually die, would be caught up into the bosom of Abraham, no questions asked, no fees paid. Just a piece of cloth around his neck. What bollocks, Shinji thought. Probably just a way for the Carmelites to make more money, or whoever's making them. But, as Shinji grit his teeth, he glanced over at Rei, on her knees in one of the pews, praying with visible zeal. She wore one, didn't she?
He remembered just how he got there. Sitting alone in the lunch hall at school, trying to ignore the buzz of all the people around him, when he noticed a pale thigh next to his, as though God had instantaneously zapped it into existence there. Sandwich halfway-down his throat, he turned to see the wide, Thunderbird Red (yes, that's the precise colour) eyes of his fellow eva pilot, Rei Ayanami. She was a lot closer to him than she usually was, which wasn't intentional, she just wanted to sit down next to him, but it was too much for poor little Shinji. Choking on the cucumber in his sandwich, eliciting a grand total of zero reactions from Rei, he steeled himself, turned back to Rei's pale, almost blue face, framed by her confusingly short blue hair, and said, still coughing, "Hey Ayanami! Uh, how's it hangin?" He couldn't help but observe just how feigned and artificial his reaction was. Sure, he was happy to see rei, but he wasn't so overjoyed that he'd realistically react like that. 'How's it hangin'? Gah, why would I say something like that? Shinji was happy that at least it was Rei, who honestly didn't care about how he'd express himself, and whatever cringe things he'd come out with. If it was Asuka, she would already be going Pieter-Botha-mode by now. Shinji's slightly rough, although still pretty effeminate chiming was followed up by Rei's completely monotone, high-pitched murmurs. "Are you Catholic?" It was a habit of Rei's to always use as few words as humanly possible - anything else was a waste of breath, she thought. Scrapping honorifics, openers, greetings, even calling Shinji by his name - she wanted to know if he was Catholic, so she asked him if he was Catholic, nothing more. Heck, she could've even just said 'ya Catholic?' or 'Catholic?' but if she asked the former, it'd sound too informal, and if the latter, she would inevitably have to repeat herself. Hence, she settled for 'Are you Catholic'. Shinji blinked, not exactly sure how to respond. Him and Rei had barely even had a conversation before, and now she was gonna ask him about religion? Oh Christ, Shinji thought - is she gonna try and shake his belief like all the kids back home? Is she gonna give him an Aish HaTorah flyer? Is Rei secretly an Orthobro and is about to absolutely shit on him for being a Catholic? My God, my God why have you forsaken me, Shinji thought. Rei hadn't even said anything other than her question, and her red eyes patiently waited on Shinji's, unblinking, expecting a response. "Uhm...I try to be..aha..." Shinji laughed ever so slightly, scratching the side of his head, trying his best to come out with some funny, witty response. As soon as Shinji finished his breath, Rei replied: "Would you like to come to Church after school? There isn't mass, we would just be visiting." Shinji finished his coughing, his crappy white bread sandwich still clutched in his hand. My God, he thought, that might just be one of the nicest things anybody's said to me. She asked me so politely, and to top it all off, she actually informed me that there won't be any mass, that's so considerate! Shinji's answer was immediately yes, a thousand times yes; he hadn't been to church in ages, and he desperately wanted to pray to the Blessed Sacrament. He opened his mouth wide, smiling, like he always does, and chimed, not feigning emotion this time: "Yes, I'd love t-" and before he had even properly finished his speech, Rei had already gotten up and walked away. Whatever, it's to be expected by this point, Shinji didn't mind. And by the time the end of school bell rang, she was already there, in the schoolyard, standing patiently, emotionlessly like the Angel of the Lord.
What a devotee, Shinji thought. He bet she was praying in Latin while she kneeled there, huddled over the pew in front of her. He couldn't even fathom just how intrigued she was with all that Latin mass stuff, stuff that feels like a whole 'nother world to our Shinji Ikari. He looked back at the statue in front of him, whose kind expression hadn't changed, offering Shinji unfaltering kindness, despite his resounding doubt at the apparition. Even so, it stood behind a short iron fence, perpetually seperated fron Shinji. Perhaps Rei's really the right one, he thought. Perhaps I'm just deficient in faith, he thought. Perhaps there's just something I'm not getting, he thought. I mean, just look at how full of faith Rei is, he thought. He clutched his mother's rosary in his hand, tightly, and begun to pray.
Shinji's prayer
In the name of The Father, and The Son, and The Holy Spirit, Amen. Hi, Mary. I'm tired. I'm really, really tired. You and your son haven't exactly made things easy for me. Everybody hates me - Asuka hates me, my dad hates me, I bet Rei and Misato secretly hate me too... with so many people hating me, how am I supposed to think that you don't hate me too? You've taken away so much from me, sent these angels to destroy humanity, and put me as the stumbling block in their way. I really don't understand how you want me to have faith... but, Rei's suffered a lot too, huh... how come you give her that strength? How come you give her that power? That trust? I don't understand you, I really don't...but, thy will be done, not mine. Please, my lady, pray to God to have mercy on the world, and inspire me with faith, hope and love to do what I must. Protect Rei, Misato, Asuka, Toji, Kensuke...and my father. Yeah, protect my father too. Amen.
Just as Shinji finished off with his sign of the cross, he turned to his right, and once again saw Rei's Thunderbird red eyes boring into his side, her pale face right next to his. He jumped, a small, effeminate yelp resounding through the otherwise emtpy church and apse, earning a grand total of zero reactions from Rei. "You have been standing here for quite a while." She murmured, almost whispering but not quite. "Is something awry?" Shinji couldn't help but feel like Rei's 'speech' shouldn't be considered speech. Speech is used to express opinions, emotions, thoughts. It's not like computer code, which transfers simple, objective messages from one place to another - but that was how Rei spoke, Shinji thought. Biting his lip slightly, he began to actually have a deep conversation with Rei.
"Rei, how do you believe so much?" Shinji said, turning his eyes towards Rei's, daring to stare into her red, emotionless pits. Really, he wanted Rei to react, he really wanted her to react, to be surprised, confused, maybe even offended or scandalised at such a question. He wanted to see her hard-wired Catholic bias erupt, maybe even slightly, through a slight widening of the eye, or a raised eyebrow, or a sharp inhale, but nothing. Not even a flinch. Rei remained Rei, unchanged and emotionless. "Faith or belief is not something you force on yourself, it comes naturally with opening your heart to God's grace." Again, ruthlessly objective, Shinji thought, as though she'd memorised it out of the Summa Theologica, or some modern pamphlet given to kids to inspire faith; no, Shinji was now contesting Rei, and he wasn't gonna give up so easily. "No, I get that, Rei," he just barely growled, clenching his fists slightly, clutching the rosary in his hand, "I mean in the context of the angels, how do you explain that? Why does God let this happen to us? Why does God let this happen to you? Why does God let this happen to me?" He said, raising his voice a little. Again, he desperately wanted to see some anger in Rei's countenance, even some mild discomfort, but again, no flinching, no changing. Shinji wondered if she was one of the statues of the church, come to life, speaking to him, defending her job, as though she were the Blessed Virgin herself, offering nothing except that same, unchanging expression of acceptance, despite anything you throw at her. "Shinji," she began, causing him to blush ever so slightly - she had never called him by his name before - "You and I live in a technological utopia that has emerged out of the dust of divine retribution in less than 20 years. There are no wars, no genocides. Man lives at one with himself, the economy works, there are no pandemics, no world hunger, no poverty. A world without the Second Impact would be a grey, empty world filled with pessimism. Without that suffering, man would be in a much worse place than he is now, and it is all because God intervened. If God had not intervened, he would still be just as justified, because he would be leaving man to his own devices, but now we have a New world, a New Japan, a New order." Shinji hadn't expected her to stop speaking. It felt like a river of words had come out of her mouth, flowing from a source deep within her, as though she had simply shut off the water supply with a dam, while all the thoughts continued swirling around like water behind it. It was amazing, Shinji thought, as though he had actually seen into her, albeit briefly, past the emotionlessness, past the impenetrable coolness of Rei Ayanami. But still, her face was maybe only a little contorted from speaking so much, more than she usually does. Shinji wasn't just gonna let her present her side and get away with it though, imagining a kind of smugness in her eyes. "But why does God need to make our lives better through suffering? Sure, there's a million examples I can think of-" Shinji began to stutter a little, but racked his brains for his historical knowledge - "W..world War One, awakens the world to the horrors of modern warfare, and an instillment in the minds of people that it's generally better to avoid war and preserve peace, World War Two, wherein that sentiment is increased, the concept of genocide and prevention of it is solidified, and Europe properly unites via the European Economic Community, now the European Union, to prevent any further massive wars from happening, the bombing of Hiroshima, awakaned the world to the major horrors of Nuclear weapons and caused both widespread panic surrounding the prospect of nuclear fallout, but also to be aware of the dangers and preserve peace, as did the Chernobyl accident, which caused people to be seriously aware of the potential dangers regarding nuclear energy and to pursue safe nuclear technology, yes, I get all that, and I can go on for years with all those different things, but why? Why do so many people need to die before good things start to happen? Why do so many people need to suffer before God's will is done on Earth? How long do we need to see people die, families get torn apart, entire countries disappear below the oceans, before good things happen? It's always tough love, tough love, when does it stop? And why does so much of it need to happen? Why can't God make things happen in better ways? Like when God created the world, is it not written 'he saw that it was very good'? Why must the world now have so much suffering when God made it to be so good? Why does God allow that, why does God cause that?" And again, Shinji allowed the tennis ball to fall onto Rei's side of the court. Rei was secretly enjoying this, she was - just a twinge of what she might designate "joy" or even "excitement". She liked her faith, and she also liked defending it, and she could see just how well she could do. Nonetheless, she kept her appearance steeled and her emotions numb, as she was used to. Slightly firmer than before, she murmured: "Name one example where great things have been achieved without suffering."
"Sure, I understand amounts of suffering creating good things, but the extent to which humanity has suffered, especially in the last century, it's just ridiculous! And you didn't answer what I said about God creating the universe!" Shinji was getting heated now, his exclamations filling the church."Well, immensely bad things create immensely good things, I think that is observable. And God allowed Adam and Eve to let evil into the world of their own free will, he made an effort of not forcing them away from the apple. Additionally, who are you to say there is too much evil in the world? Who are you to judge God, Shinji? Do you not trust God?" Rei said, still refusing to raise her voice, despite Shinji's visible anger. Silence. Shinji bowed his head guiltily. All the while, the Virgin Mary and the Christ Child in her palm watched on, expressions unwavering and unchanging. The Church stood around them, a monument of stone and wood and steel, the house of God, not weakened by the accusations, but still hosting the two's debate without rejection. Shinji raised his head slowly, and said "I...I believe, Rei, but it's hard....no, I don't trust God..."
"Even when he suffered on the cross for you?"
"If Christ suffered so much for us, why do we still need to suffer so much?"
Shinji's eyes and Rei's eyes met. And, surprisingly, Rei smiled, and did something Shinji had never ever seen before - she shrugged. "I don't know." WHAT?! Shinji thought, she doesn't know? Why the hell does she look so happy about it? "You...you don't know...?" asked Shinji incredulously. "Then how do you believe?"
"You and I are not the people to put God in the dock and judge him, Shinji." Rei said, the light smile still on her pale lips, but already fading. I have no idea what God's plan is, or why he does the things he does. With regards to God and Evil, there is never ever going to be a right answer that satisfies everybody. Many answers have been offered over the centuries - some of them work, some of them sort of work, and some of them don't work. But man in his sin wants to 'win' against God, intellectually. The problem of evil presupposes that God is in some kind of unjust light that needs to be investigated, and man will not rest until it's convicted God. That is not what faith is about. Faith is about trust, about opening your heart, not intellectual investigation. We are not a cult, Shinji - nobody is commanding you to have complete and utter blind faith, but just to trust in God's will. You said you already believe. It is not your fault for feeling confusion at God's will. It's like Job." At that, Shinji's ears perked up. "Job had faith, but still questioned God's will. God did not strike him down, but rather showed him the entire universe, and affirmed that we cannot judge God." Shinji stared at Rei, quite stunned - it was the most expressive he had ever seen her, the most emotional, just barely, the most literate, the most, the most, the most, he just couldn't fathom it. At the same time, her reasoning was confusing for him, but he appreciated it nonetheless. He croaked: "That's...that's a tough belief, but...I think you're right, Rei." Shinji smiled weakly. He felt exhausted, physically, mentally and spiritually. Rei, once more, showed nothing on her face. Maybe, somewhere inside her, she felt gratitude, that Shinji had agreed with her, but again she remained cold, her eyes like empty pits. "Would you like to pray the rosary together?" Rei was now back to her code-like statements. "Oh, uh, sure!" Shinji was amazed at how unfeigned his response was, how genuinely he wanted to pray the rosary with someone. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time he had. Perhaps it was with his mother...
Rei and Shinji knelt together in the side-chapel housing the Blessed Sacrament. The candle in front of the vessel stood alone like a gaurd, indicating the presence of God in said vessel. Shinji inhaled and smiled, and turned towards Rei, feeling a lot more comfortable with her, and whispered, as though he didn't want to disturb Christ in the Eucharist: "So, Luminous mysteries, right?" It was a Thursday after all. Shinji just wanted to make sure with her what they were going to meditate on, but Rei responded by slowly turning her head towards him, casting her face down a little, her eyes still locked on Shinji's - she was obviously a little annoyed. "The practice of praying the Rosary, since it was given personally by the Blessed Virgin to St Dominic in 1208, has always consisted of three sets of mysteries: Joyful, Sorrowful, Glorious. For the last 800 years, the Catholic Church has preserved this practice, it is only the Vatican-two Church that has introduced these so-called 'Luminous mysteries' in recent times." Yeesh, Shinji thought, his mouth stretching a little over his face. He looked down, raising his eyebrows a little, and smiled timidly. "W...well, you know more than I do, Rei. I guess I'm just used to it, since that's how my mother taught me to pray the Rosary, aha..." At that, Rei's cheeks turned ever so slightly pink, and her eyes widened. Nothing Shinji had said before that, nothing about Christ, or his wavering belief, none of it had made her react as much. She swiftly turned away, her hand on her chin, as if to hide her blush. "Is...is that so..." she murmured, a little constrained, almost grunting. Shinji, not having seen the blush, raised his head up, and whispered energetically, feigning happiness again: "But it's ok, we'll do it the traditional way, just like you said!" Really, Shinji wanted to pray the Luminous mysteries, it was what he was used to, but Rei now disagreed. "No...let's pray the Luminous mysteries." Rei had now decided, and wasn't going to take any dissent. Shinji stammered, raising his hands up, as if trying to console her: "N-no! Please Rei, I wasn't trying to guilt-trip you, I was just saying that about my mother, please don't feel forced to pray them.. w-we'll pray whatever ones they prayed for those 800 years, eh? What is it, Joyful or Sorrowful? Hey, maybe that'll actually be bet-"
"We're praying the Luminous mysteries." Rei interrupted, almost violently, her usually high-pitched voice coming down to more of a growl. Shinji stopped his wibbling and turned forward to face the Blessed Sacrament, lowering his voice again. "Understood." he said, like a soldier listening to their commander. One after another, Rei said the first half of the Hail Mary, and Shinji said the second. Rei murmured "Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou amongst women," and Shinji solemnly and seriously followed, his voice deeper than usual "and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen." Rei knew all the Luminous mysteries anyway, but had never prayed them before. The images flew through her head, Christ being baptised in the Jordan, him and his mother at Cana, his preaching in Galilee, his magnificent Transfiguration on Mount Tabor, and the Last Supper. It was like a whole new spiritual experience for her, and she couldn't help but feel, deep within her core, a gratitude to God and to Shinji for opening her eyes to them. For Shinji, it was much more mechanical. He had prayed them countless times before, this time was no different. Rei, her eyes closed, turned her face up as she spoke, with her hands and her Sky-blue rosary just in front of her chest, as though God's spirit would come down and illuminate her face, just as it did for Christ at his Baptism and Transfiguration, whereas Shinji bowed his head down low, in reverence for the Sacrament before him, hanging his rosary out of his hand, almost hitting the floor. At the end of the rosary, Rei silently offered up a prayer, like incense from the censer.
Rei's prayer
In the name of The Father, and of The Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen. My Lord Jesus, I entrust myself to You, my God. My body, my soul, my mind, they are your means to give grace unto the world, and no one else's. Protect me and Shinji and Asuka in battle. Give strength and faith to Shinji, and give strength to Gendo to continue in what he has to do. Give Misato the power to care for Shinji and for Asuka, to... take the place of his mother. Please help to illuminate my mind, to help me glorify you in both word and deed. "To the lord God I bow, and only him do I serve". Thank you Lord, for all the good things you have given me, and help me to continue upon the pilgrim's path, Amen.
Shinji and Rei trudged along the path to the residential area of Tokyo-3, where Misato and Rei's respective apartment blocks were. The buildings towered around them, blocking out the past-afternoon sun, leaving Rei and Shinji in a slightly chilly shade, while the sky remained blue, slowly approaching evening. Rei walked slightly ahead, Shinji walked slightly behind. He had insisted he walk her home from the Church. Rei's steps were almost like fairies gently patting the ground, refusing to fully put all her weight on it, whereas Shinji's steps were a little more like elephant stomps, although maybe not quite as forceful. They stopped by Rei's apartment block, a cold, grey building, and Rei turned around. "Thank you for walking me home." Her eyes still hadn't changed. Shinji hadn't seen those red eyes of her change even once today, no matter how much they talked or prayed together. "Thank you for inviting me to Church, ehe...you wanna make this a regular thing...?" Shinji suggested, holding his hand out a little, smiling politely. Rei tilted her head to the side a little, and murmured: "On sundays me and your Father attend that same Church together. You are perfectly welcome to come, but I know that may be an issue for you." Now Shinji's eyes didn't change. He inhaled a little, and started to turn around. "N...no, I wouldn't wanna crowd you two. It was a silly offer anyway."
"But-"
"Bye Rei, I'll see you tomorrow." But as Shinji started stepping away, Rei called out, almost desperately. "Sh...Shinji...!" Shinji turned around, and Rei held out her hand, her fingers drooping to the ground ever so slightly, and pausing for a moment, said "Keep holding on." Shinji, confused, still half-turned away, gave Rei a wry smile, then a full one, and shook her hand. He was amazed at how cold it was, and how loose her grip was. After letting go, he had to rub it against his arm to warm it up again. Then he turned his eyes down, and walked away. He liked touching her hand, it was something rather than nothing. Rei stood there, still watching him, as he fumbled a little to take his Walkman out of his bag while still walking, not wanting to awkwardly stop while Rei was still there. Eyes unblinking, she stood there watching him, almost like a statue, as he plugged the earphones into his ears, and walked away, shaking a little, unsure of himself. "My God..." she muttered under her breath.