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I thought about ending it when I was 7. My parents were fighting all the time, our house was falling apart, and I didn't have any friends. Because people talk. The neighbors, the shop owners, the passersby; I felt like everyone was gossiping about my family. During that time, I thought, would Mommy and Daddy come looking for me if I disappeared? Maybe if I did, they'd make up and work together to find me.
I thought about ending it when I was 13. My parents got a divorce. I started middle school just fine. I was more on the introverted side, but I'd have lunch with a group of classmates and quick hellos with the kids from neighboring classes. Then, I had to switch schools. My mom couldn't make ends meet, so we moved to a different place. A fresh start wasn't all that welcoming; I became a shut-in. No friends. No social life. No functional family.
I thought about ending it when I was 17. High school seemed to be a good time for everyone except me. I felt like I was 6 again, but instead of everyone gossiping about me, nobody was even acknowledging me anymore. At one point, I hoped someone would start bullying me if it meant that I'd stop being ignored. My presence was nonexistent to them. I felt like I didn't have a place in society.
And you know, one Thursday night when my mom was out on a blind date, I came home from school to an empty house, an empty fridge, and somehow an even emptier room. I felt so fucking pathetic. And at that moment, I thought, I'll end it. Tomorrow night, after school, I'll end my life.
That. Now that made me feel hopeful for the first time in ages. I felt a rock fall off my back. I felt the most relaxed I'd been since I was an infant. The only thing left to do was figure out how I was going to do it. How I was going to kill myself.
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That morning, the sun seemed almost like it was smiling at me. I fell asleep happy; I woke up happy; everything was perfect. Nothing was going to ruin this day.
I got ready, prepared lunch that I deemed worthy of one last meal (two clementines and a toast with jam), and left for school. I spent math, chemistry, english, and then even P.E. thinking only about when the clock would strike 6 PM. Once school was done, I'd go to the rooftop, take my shoes off, and jump.
After P.E., as I was making my way to the next class , I couldn't help but feel pure euphoria. One more class, just one more clas—
"Oh, Bom!"
I turned. It was Eurie; she was the most popular girl in my class, heck, maybe even the whole school. She had long, pretty blonde hair, usually thrown in a bun for practicality. She was part of the running club, and there was this fruity scent always following her — probably her perfume. I could never really make out what fruit it was though. I wasn't really sure why everybody was fawning over her. Sure, she's pretty and athletic, but what does that even matter? I don't get it, why are people obsessed with her achievements? Not like it does them any good.
"You know, it might be kinda weird coming from me, since we're not really close or anything, but uh, I'm glad to see you smiling. It's quite a change from how you usually are. Hope I didn't offend ya or anything. Keep it up!"
.....
...What?
...A change from... the usual? Are you saying that she noticed me? This, this 6 foot blonde angel noticed me?? And she didn't just glimpse at me; she acknowledged me....
Man. I think I'm starting to realize what all the fuss may be about.
And with that, my plans fell through. Once school was done, I didn't go to the rooftop like I had planned the whole day. Instead, I went home, aired out the house, took a shower, and fell asleep like a baby. Maybe I could delay my eternal rest for a little longer.
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Coming to school the next day, honestly, I felt on cloud nine. I dreamt of Eurie, as weird as it may sound, but in the dream we were friends. I guess you could say it left an impression on me because now, I stood in front of the classroom with one goal in mind: to talk to her.
I opened the door, and there she was -a goddess among humans, talking to some other students gathered around the window. Alright now, let's go and say hi!
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..Say hi..
How am I supposed to do this again?
I can't remember the last time I had a proper interaction with a classmate. Is it even okay for me to talk to her? It's just a simple hi though. She won't mind, right? I mean, at the end of the day, she exchanges like a million hellos with all the other students. But what if she particularly doesn't like it because it's me.
While I was busy gathering my thoughts, she noticed me staring. God, how embarrassing. If I had laser eyes, she'd be dust by now from all my gaping and fawning.
Instead of an annoyed look though, what I got was a smile and a wave.
God struck me if I'm lying, but I could feel my knees giving out and my spine caving in from the immense happiness I felt at that moment.
I nodded back with what was the best imitation of a smile I could manage and took my seat.
Yeah, so far this was more than enough. It was all I needed.
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Eurie and I started talking more. By talking, I mean greeting each other in the morning, sometimes asking mundane things like "How did you sleep?" or stuff like that. We usually have cleaning duty together; we always have — I just noticed only now. She's always surrounded by other people though, so I try to make as much as I can out of our alone time.
She's usually the one talking, though once I relax, I join in on her jokes, and we laugh together until somebody from the teaching staff comes to check in on us.
Once we finish cleaning, we walk together to the gate and then take our separate ways.
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We're in our classroom on cleaning duty once again. I'm sitting on one of the chairs while she stares at me through half-lidded eyes. She leans in closer as she slides her hand along my leg, not going under the skirt, but hitching it higher up my thigh. Her hands caress all over my body, tugging the shirt out from my waistband expertly. Her hair is unusually not up in a bun, instead, it falls all around her as she keeps tilting her head and moving in closer. I can smell her perfume so clearly now — cherries. I've come to realize it after some time.
Outside the windows, God 's angelic little helpers: powder white babies with golden locks of hair flapping around, are sounding the church bells. Are those wedding chimes? Because we might as well get married after this.
Her lips are so close now, so plump and shiny, almost conspicuously so. If I lean in just a tad bit closer... if I just cross the short space between her and me, I'll get to taste a goddess herself. Just a bit more... a bit more, and—
CRANK
THUD
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I opened my eyes, tangled in my blanket across the floor; another dream about her...
This one, a bit different though...
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