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it was finally over. the first elimination ceremony, which felt like it'd dragged on for hours, was just as stress-inducing as zhongxing had expected it to be (sure, he'd been half asleep for most of it, but that just made it feel all the more boring).
things went alright, truly. zhongxing made it – not as high as he'd have liked to, but the rank sufficed. the higher ranks were pretty predictable, while the lower ones filled up one by one, each seeming just as deserved as the next.
still, something felt off. empty. even though zhongxing made it, he couldn't shake the heavy feeling from his heart. he was the only one to make it from his team, and he couldn't find it within him to be proud of that.
he had resolved his misunderstandings with his teammates by now, the long break giving him enough time to truly talk to them; with less pressure, less stress. it was nice, that break; it gave him time to unwind, to destress, to sleep.
but now that he was back, he was reminded once again that, at the end of the day, this was all a competition. even if he buried the hatchet with the others, made new friends, it changed nothing. it didn't mean they would make it. and, frankly, zhongxing felt scared for what was to come.
he didn't want to have anymore disagreements. didn't want to do all of this over again.
when the directors called for the trainees to stand up, it took zhongxing a moment longer to register with how lost in thought he'd been. he joined the rest of the contestants, a newfound guilt and sadness creeping over him as he said his last goodbyes to his teammates, to his friends.
he got along so well with them, now. would things have turned out differently if they'd been this understanding of each other before?
zhongxing pulled guozhen into a hug – something he would've never done just a month or so ago. he was glad they got along now; but at what cost? he was going already.
"cheer up," he said with a smile, which zhongxing mirrored. "you're the only one left from our team."
"guozhen..." zhongxing's smile faltered.
"i'm fine, take care of yourself. you worked hard."
"you did, too."
zhongxing saw how guozhen's eyes darted away for a moment, looking somewhere behind him, then back to zhongxing. he walked away with one last nod, leaving zhongxing on his own again.
he stood there, at the edge of the room, watching the cameramen rush through as the other trainees were talking. zhongxing was about to get lost in his head again, but before he could, he felt a hand rest just below his shoulder.
"zhongxing?"
he turned around slowly at the sound of sho's voice behind him.
(his voice was so sweet whenever he'd say his name – that's something zhongxing had ended up noticing over time. he liked hearing it.)
zhongxing met sho's gaze, and the emotions on his face read clear; hurt, but more importantly, an odd sense of relief. zhongxing didn't say anything; just slowly stepped forward, putting his arms out.
sho returned the gesture, almost as if it were instinct. which was weird, because it wasn't like they did this sort of thing often. barely at all.
over the break, zhongxing had gotten much closer with sho. while they were still having disagreements with the other teammates, it was like the two of them were in solidarity with one another, there to support each other. they barely needed the translator anymore, either; sho taught him some basic korean words, and they could communicate better than they thought in english.
and it was so, so nice. zhongxing was close with the others by now, sure, but it was different with sho.
sho... it was hard to put into words. zhongxing clung to him; not desperately, but just to keep him there. just for a little bit longer. sho's head rested gently on zhongxing's chest, and it made the room feel much warmer than it was already.
it was stupid to admit, truly, because sho was meant to be the annoying guy, and they could hardly even communicate properly. but something drew them together; and just like that, zhongxing began considering sho as his best friend there.
and besides the solidarity aspect, something was simply different about the way zhongxing felt around him. calm, like he could trust him, but at the same time, he'd feel intimidated.
which was really, really stupid. if you'd told zhongxing a mere few months ago that he'd find the small bossy guy to be menacing, he'd have laughed in your face. but there he was.
and it wasn't because sho was scary, not at all. when they were alone together, it did something to zhongxing's brain; and he didn't think about that aspect much. it'd be far too embarrassing.
zhongxing sighed, resting his head atop sho's without a word. he hated how each moment stuck with him; how the moments kept coming back to him, popping up in his memory.
like just before their first performance, when it was just him and sho in the makeup room. they'd been looking in the mirror, and sho had asked, pointing a finger to himself, 'sexy?'
obviously, sho did not look sexy in the slightest, and zhongxing wasn't one to lie to his friends. 'no.'
sho had rolled his eyes, a playful smile coming to his face as he'd repliied, 'hm. you don't, too.'
zhongxing had laughed along; but at the same time, the image of that smile hadn't left his mind since that day. they'd been standing fairly close to each other, too – far closer than they needed to – and the memory of that warmth wouldn't leave zhongxing's mind, either.
or another time, when sho had dragged him out to get some coffee during break (because they were stuck in the dorms, sho got ditched by the people who'd invited him out, and zhongxing was too tired to go anywhere). sho had been wearing a soft sweater vest, drinking a coffee that was far too sweet-looking to even be considered as such. stupidly, it was kind of, sort of, cute.
the outing was nice, yet strange.
because they weren't truly on that level of closeness yet; it was still awkward, being alone together, and they still didn't know everything that they had in common. at times, there was nothing to talk about.
maybe that was the issue. there wasn't enough time – for them to get to know each other, for zhongxing to understand why the thought of sho would remain in the back of his mind for so long regardless.
zhongxing was brought back to reality once sho mumbled something, miraculously understandable, into zhongxing's chest. "why didn't you hug me earlier?"
zhongxing laughed, but even as he did it, it didn't feel genuine. he found the words to respond, slowly. "sorry. too many people. you know?"
zhongxing looked down for a moment, seeing how sho smiled, "okay."
a few moments passed by, and zhongxing could feel eyes on him from around them. they'd been like this for too long, it seemed.
but it wasn't long for zhongxing. somehow, it wasn't enough.
and he knew he said this a lot, but it was stupid. that some boy was making him feel so complicated, when he already had enough to worry about. and why'd it have to be sho, of all people?
he had a few other friends, sure, but what would happen now that his greatest form of support – the one he'd been leaning on most for the past two months, the one who surprisingly checked in on him the most – would be gone?
and why'd this have to be his only closure?
zhongxing held onto the feeling of sho in his arms, to the feeling of sho's grip on his waist. and just like that, it drifted away again.
sho pulled back, slowly, glancing at the people around them, and back to zhongxing. his head was tilted back to look him in the eyes, one arm still holding loosely onto the back of zhongxing's blazer.
he pursed his lips, taking a moment to speak. "zhongxing..."
zhongxing found the courage to look back at him, and quietly, he said, "bye." he saw a light smile paint sho's face. he wanted to say more – something that meant something – but he didn't have the capacity to think of something with everything that was plaguing his mind.
"bye," sho followed, taking a small step back. and zhongxing wasn't going to cry, he never did; instead, there was just a pit of undescribable emotion at the bottom of his stomach.
regret, confusion, worry. something else he couldn't quite put his finger on.
before sho could get any further, zhongxing said the first thing that came to mind after racking his brain for his korean knowledge. "i'll... miss you."
sho stopped in his tracks, his smile only growing. "i will too." his lips were parted, like he was going to continue, but the staff had already begun leading the eliminated contestants out of the room.
zhongxing watched as sho looked back, to the others, and back to him. and just before he was ushered away, sho called something out to him.
which he couldn't understand.
zhongxing stood still, losing sight of sho as he filed through the door with the others. he couldn't help but feel frustrated; over how little time he got to spend with sho, over this entire competition, over how he wished he could understand better; both sho's words and his feelings about sho.
but it didn't matter now.
zhongxing looked up when there was a tap on his shoulder.
chrisen, who'd been at the back of the line, whispered to him lowly. "'see you again'."
zhongxing blinked, confused, "what?"
"that was what sho said."
and with no other words, he left with the others, and his translation only made zhongxing feel worse.
again? but where?
they were chasing the same dream, yes, but they were... too different. what would be the chances of seeing sho again? despite everything from before, despite zhongxing being the one to survive, sho seemed far more cut out for this, for debuting and performing.
zhongxing took a deep breath. it was the intention that mattered.
sho wanted to see him again. zhongxing didn't know where, or when, or how. but at least that gave him more closure; and he decided to keep that in mind, to keep working hard for that day.
for someday.
and maybe, by then, zhongxing will have figured out why the mere thought of sho made his heart stop.
but still.
it felt too much like the beginning to become an ending so soon.