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When Steve is 17 years old he’s pretty sure Nancy is the love of his life.
The way she’s shy, but firm in her beliefs. She’s smart, she’s so, so smart, she’s going to be whatever she wants to be when she grows up. Steve can see her being the president one day, and he hopes he’s going to be right next to her, proud as can be, singing her praises to everyone he meets. He wants to be with her forever, raise an entire clutch of children, and live in a house with 2.5 acres of land and a friendly dog to keep the kids entertained.
When he’s 17 Jonathan comes into the picture.
It makes him hurt deep inside, in a place where no human can ever go. Her smell, her voice, all of it imprinted on his brain. She doesn’t know what she’s doing to him, it’s not her fault.
He hates her for it a little bit anyways.
—
When Steve is three months old his parents find that one of their business partners is a vampire, and the idea starts forming in their heads. But when they ask, the vampire laughs, tells them they aren’t rich enough to afford that. Tells them no clan would take them, with so little to contribute.
His parents start looking for other options.
—
Steve is still 17 when he finds out that there are things scarier than his nightmares.
Nancy begs him to leave, pushes at him, shoves him out the door away from her. Steve has to grit his teeth for control, teeth biting into each other as he tries to keep himself from begging, crying out. They can’t know, they’re not close enough, he thought Nancy was but apparently not, just like Tommy and Carol weren’t, he’s always going to be alone-
Then something crawls out of the ceiling, and Steve’s brain stops working.
He finds himself outside, skin crawling, without knowing how he got there. He can hear Nancy and Jon screaming inside the house, see the lights flickering and hear the shots, but he’s frozen, he can’t move, why can’t he move.
Nancy screams again, and Steve’s skin explodes.
The impact with the monster is solid, his teeth bite into cold flesh, and he can hear Nancy and Jon screaming in new terror as the monster swats Steve aside like he’s a fly. But he’s something monstrous himself as he rises to his feet, lips wrinkling over his canines with a snarl. It looks back at him, mouth opening like the world’s ugliest flower, and Steve rushes it again. His claws match its own as he tears at it, and Steve’s never been in a fight before, not in this skin, but he has to do it anyways. Distantly, he hears Jon pulling Nancy to safety, and then his attention is brought back to the fight when the creature latches its mouth around Steve’s furred neck and pulls.
A roar of pain escapes his throat as he rips that horrible mouth off of himself, a hind leg reaching forward to throw the monster off of him. He can feel his claws tear through its stomach as he feels blood running down his neck, narrowly avoiding sharp talons as it claws after him. With some distance he can breathe, try not to panic, watch it now that he knows how fast it is. And it is so fast as it lunges back after him, Steve’s snarls combining with its shrieks as they dance around the small living room. But it’s not quite big enough for two monsters of their size, and talons dig into his neck and drag Steve towards its mouth again.
A shot rings through the house, slamming into the monster’s neck, and it howls with pain as it flings Steve off its talons. He can feel something rip in his neck, feel the gush of fresh blood running down his coat, as another shot knocks the creature over.
It screams once, turning between Steve and Nancy, then ducks back into the wall like it makes sense to do that as it flees. Steve stands for a second on shaky legs, ears almost brushing the ceiling for just a moment before his body falls. He’s human again as he hits the floor, soaked through in blood, and he can distantly hear Nancy and Jon’s panicked voices. His only thought as his vision goes dark is that he really wished his pants would survive the transformation, because it’s really awkward being in Jon’s living room with his dick out.
—
When Steve is three years old his parents bring someone new to the house.
The man is twitchy, eyes flicking around the room as Steve’s parents try to introduce him to the man. But Steve is three, and barely understands what they’re trying to say, he just knows that there is something deeply wrong with the strange man and that he should run away.
His dad catches him before he gets too far, grabbing his arm roughly. “Do you know how much we’re spending on this?” his dad seethes, but Steve doesn’t understand what he’s saying as he wails. He’s dragged back, the man’s eyes locked on him, golden and wrong and Steve wants to run away to his bed.
It's a small consolation that the man looks sad, that he looks over to his parents for confirmation first. When they nod the man shrugs, and Steve can only scream as the face turns into a nightmare before lunging forward to bite him.
He feels fire in his veins, and just like that Steve is no longer human.
—
Steve is almost 18 with Nancy at his side again, the air between them scratchy and brittle. He has a smile on his face as he socialises, can see Nancy looking for the fangs and the yellow eyes that saved them that night. But she’s here, back with him, and he couldn’t be happier.
Why couldn’t he be happy.
The things inside him feels twisted, knowing that Nancy is no longer theirs. That he shares her with others too. But someone he knows calls his name, and he smiles and introduces Nancy to them like she’s his, and shoves the feeling down.
He will be happy.
—
Steve is five when his parents realize that turning Steve into what he is now won’t bring the status they want.
Steve’s blood is still singing from the change, even two years later, and he struggles to stay in one skin. His parents can’t bring him out to their business meetings like they wanted, have enough trouble keeping him on two legs instead of four. Their resentments fills the air with a scent thick enough to make Steve cough, but he tries his best to ignore it because last time he asked his parents why they smelled so bad they locked him in his room for two days.
As Steve once again drops to his hands to run after his toy car, his father reaches down and yanks him up by the arm.
No more acting like a wild creature, he is told. He has to behave, because he’s going to school next year and he can’t be acting like an animal and embarrassing them. The hands convey the meaning clearly.
He doesn’t use his second skin anymore.
—
Steve is newly 18 when Nancy drags him to their weekly dinners with Barb’s parents.
The fried chicken assaults his nose but he eats his portion anyways, the grease making it worthwhile. It distracts him from the awkwardness in the air, the scent of Nancy’s guilt. He doesn’t understand it, but he’s not sure he’ll ever understand it. It might be because of what he is. It might not.
—
Steve is 12 when he tries running away.
He doesn’t get very far before he runs into Her.
He’s unsure how he knows she is old, but she is ancient. Her presence wants to make him crawl on the ground but some part of him forces him stiff and unwelcoming, teeth itching to break through as he snarls. Golden eyes watch him placidly, his threat so immeasurable against her that she doesn’t even acknowledge it.
There is stillness, and then finally she snorts, breaking the tension and dipping her head just slightly with a hint of amusement. He feels himself relaxing as she approaches, somehow understanding that she isn’t a threat with the way her movements roll loosely towards him, like she doesn’t have a care in the world. She reaches forward with her snout, not that she really has to reach with the sheer size of her, and they greet each other like two people at the same party who suddenly realize they have the same interests.
He doesn’t understand how the night changes him into his other skin, one he hasn’t worn in years. She walks beside him, showing him how to move with legs that have grown so much since he last used them, how not to get caught up in the smells that are suddenly so addicting. He can feel her melancholy as she watches, a shadow behind him as she walks him through existing in this skin that has somehow become foreign. He tries to question once, a high whine, and she huffs slightly before teasing him into a run.
The night somehow feels short, and when she finally stops and gives a single coughing growl Steve has never felt so alone. He stands on the hilltop, quietly whining as he watches her leave, pretending he doesn’t wish she would stay. Just so he wouldn’t be alone anymore.
So he wasn’t the only one.
—
Steve is 18 when he brings Nancy to the party.
Things are tense between them, the stress vibrating in his bones and teeth. But he can’t be what he is, he has to be confident and in charge, even though some of it is long past him. If he’s not people will look closer, see the wild thing under his skin. The thing that wants to run through the woods and hunt and kill.
So he acts.
It’s the wrong choice.
Nancy yells at him and Steve doesn’t understand where he made his mistake, tries to reason with her. Another wrong choice as she says the words he knows will haunt him forever.
Another mistake. Just bullshit.
And then he is alone again.
—
Steve is 14 when he can’t take it anymore, and he shows what he is to his best friends. Tommy and Carol, approved by his parents, drawn to him just because of what he is. He understands now that there’s something in him that will always attract humans to fawn over him. His parents had chosen that specifically.
Tommy and Carol react with… something. It sets off alarm bells as he sits in front of them, six feet tall suddenly with teeth and claws meant for harm. They exchange glances, like they do when to make plans together, except this time Steve is out of the loop and he doesn’t like it. But they’re here and no one else is, so maybe it’ll be okay.
It isn’t.
—
Steve is still 18 when Dustin drags him to hunt for the thing that ate his cat, trying to pretend his stomach isn’t snarling as he throws chunks of raw meat on the ground. Dustin is prattling in his ear and Steve absently responds, and he’s not sure why he feels so relaxed near the kid but he knows it has a lot to do with last year. He supposes fighting real monsters will do that.
Then he’s in the junkyard, confident he can take whatever it is in his human skin, while the kids watch fearfully from the bus behind him. There’s clicks and whistles, and one becomes six, and Steve decides that since the kids have been able to keep the monsters secret so far there’s no point in hiding another from them.
Fighting six is not like fighting one, and while Steve knows his body better now, has been running in the woods, it’s difficult to keep track of so many bodies. He’s bit and grabbed, but he does his own biting and grabbing in return, shattering bones in between his teeth. He hurts but he knows he can survive this, so he ignores the pain and throws the creatures away from the bus. He’s vaguely aware of screaming behind them, but it’s screams of fear and not terror so they must be safe still.
Between one second and the next the creatures are fleeing, and Steve knows it’s not because of him but he’s so exhausted, and he has the kids to take care of, so he lets them flee. Knows it will be a problem later, but the bus door is opening behind them, and Dustin is leaning out and looking at Steve with wide eyes, and Steve hopes it’s not fear because he doesn’t know if he can take it-
“That! Was SO cool!”
As the kids rush out, Steve thinks maybe he’ll be okay.
—
Steve is closer to 15 than 14 when he goes back to school that fall.
Tommy and Carol are coaching Steve, whispering in his ear as other people are inevitably drawn to him, surrounding him with strangers. It makes the thing inside him squirm, so close to others that are not friends, but Tommy and Carol reassure him it’s alright, they’ll all be his friends soon. He thinks maybe more friends will fill that ache of loneliness, so he follows their lead.
Maybe it just isn’t enough, and that’s why the middle of him aches so much. He just has to find more.
—
Steve is still 18 on that same night as he stares down Billy in front of him. It had ached to let Billy take that king spot, and the beast inside him snarls at the challenge in front. But Billy is not Nancy or Jon or the kids, and he has to stay human in front of him. Even with Billy snarling like he’s also something else, a clear threat to Lucas behind him, and Steve cannot let this man harm his kids.
He’s actually winning, holding back his real strength and fighting as a human when Billy knocks the plate over his head.
It doesn’t do real damage but his control slips just enough in the shock that when he bares his teeth at Billy there’s pointed incisors and canines instead of flat ones, and he hears Billy’s quiet “What the fuck-” as he stands up and faces him. His borrowed clothes stretch over his frame as he tries not to change, but he knows he’s suddenly a foot taller and wider with muscle flowing down his limbs. He can feel his skin itch as the fur tries to push through, and he shoves down the sensation and takes a step towards the man in front of him.
Billy is running, and Steve knows he could catch him, could bite the back of his skull open like he’s prey, but Max’s tiny hands are trying to hold him back and Steve can’t make himself push her off. Instead he watches as Billy bolts into his car and fumbles it into reverse, peeling out and spraying rocks as he leaves. Steve supposes he can take the victory, watching his opponent flee and feeling the kids’ arms around his body, trying to pull him back into the house. His teeth ache with the desire to put Billy down, but he can ignore it as the kids are screaming something about tunnels and fire.
He blinks, then turns to Dustin as he exclaims absolutely not, we are not going-
Steve is somehow in his car driving the kids to the fields without knowing how he lost that argument, and something settles in his skin as the kids shout over his shoulder.
Maybe he’s not as alone as he thought.
—
Steve is 15 when he tells Tommy he can’t change him.
It makes him furious and Steve doesn’t understand, but he knows that the older someone is when they get bit the less likely they’ll survive the change. He tries to tell Tommy this, but he won’t listen and it’s the first time they’ve ever fought. The only way Steve knows how to survive a fight is to shut up and listen so he does that and it only makes Tommy angrier.
Carol screams as Tommy’s fist hits Steve’s face, and he doesn’t fight back, can’t do that to Tommy. Can’t risk doing the damage he knows he can do.
They make up a week later, but Steve still flinches when Tommy raises his hands too fast.
—
Steve is 18 and freshly graduated when Dustin comes back from summer camp.
He’s so excited to see him it feels like an ache he didn’t know existed has finally been soothed, and he doesn’t care that Robin looks at them like they’re insane. It takes all of his self control to not lick Dustin’s face like an overexcited dog, so he’s pretty proud that he’s able to restrict himself to that goofy handshake.
Within days he finds himself caught up in the Upside Down again.
Nancy and Jon are hunting down melting rats, Max is terrified of Billy more than before, and Dustin’s convinced that there’s a secret Russian base somewhere in Hawkins. Steve’s nerves are vibrating with how much he’s trying to keep everyone together, but they keep spreading out and he just can’t keep up with them. Then Dustin records a transmission, Robin starts translating, and suddenly Steve recognizes the tune in the background of the tape.
Another mistake. Maybe more lethal than the last.
Steve can’t escape capture, can’t save Robin, but he was able to keep Erica and Dustin from being discovered. They’re beating him, and he has to grit his teeth to prevent the change, he knows if they see what he is he won’t make it out alive. He can keep taking the beatings, though, because it means that Robin isn’t being touched and she’s safe.
A needle gets pushed under his skin, and Steve’s control starts to slip.
He can’t change, he can’t, so he rambles instead, unsure entirely what he is saying but it doesn’t matter as long as they don’t see the gold eyes and teeth fighting to break through.
An alarm blares, and somehow they’re loose.
Robin’s dragging him away as he stumbles on legs that are constantly changing length. She’s watching him with panicked looks, and he hopes he’s hiding what he is. He has a feeling he’s not, though, as Dustin shoves them in a bathroom to hide with a pointed look. He stumbles into a stall, feeling his shoes stretch around his toes, and he can vaguely hear Robin finding her own stall while he wills his legs to commit to a shape. It’s definitely the wrong shape but at least his shoes still fit.
Robin’s talking, and Steve’s talking too before he finds himself sliding under the stall to join her. He rambles as she watches him with wide eyes and quick breaths, and he hopes his face is human but he’s pretty sure it’s not all the way there. Then she confesses something, and his brain sharpens just enough to hear what she’s saying, and part of him is crushed while another part is strangely relieved. There’s a heartbeat after the revelation, and then she’s reaching out with shaking hands to grab one of his that definitely has black claws instead of fingernails.
Without realizing it he’s speaking, telling her the story. Parts of it he’s never told even Tommy, parts buried deep under fear. He can’t tell if her horrified expression is because of what he is or what happened to him, and he hopes it’s not because of the body that won’t settle in a shape.
Dustin’s back, and Robin’s grabbing a hand that is more callus than skin at this point, and his eyes are suddenly burning, definitely not human anymore or he thinks he might be crying.
Minutes later he’s slamming a car in Billy’s and fighting a monster made of flesh, and El’s injured, and the beast inside him is screaming. He can’t stop the change, moving away from Robin to try not to scare her- he’s a monster she’ll never go near him again- as his body twists and breaks into something new. There’s fireworks and so much noise and Steve picks up a table to throw it at the monster closing in on El. The kids are doing everything they can to distract it, to give her a chance-
Billy’s somehow there taking the hit, and part of Steve still wants to kill him even as he saves one of his kids.
When he’s finally able to pull his body back into his human skin Dustin is waiting with clothes off a rack, holding them out as Steve stumbles forwards. He’s aware of Robin standing away from him, choking down the bitterness in his throat as he gets dressed. Joyce emerges from underneath the mall with the news that Hopper is dead, and Steve can only hover over the kids as they take in the news, touching every single one of them to make sure they’re okay, they haven’t been harmed. Not physically, he can’t do anything to prevent the tears and sobs as the night ends. But they’re alive, and the relief suddenly leaves Steve weak and trembling, fighting the urge to gather them all together so he can lay over them.
He’s not sure how he ends up driving Robin home in the pre-dawn hours, but he’s silently parking his car as she sits small in the passenger seat. He wants to speak, wants to fix it, but he learned his lesson the last time. He won’t ever be good enough, and all he can say is bullshit that doesn’t help.
“Can I see you tomorrow?” is all Robin says, voice cracking and raw and Steve doesn’t know how to respond because he wasn’t expecting that, was not prepared to answer that question. He’s barely human as he nods, throat tight with something that tastes a little like relief and a little like fear. She sits for a moment before nodding back, slowly getting out of the car. She hesitates before shutting the door, bending down to look at him through the window and Steve had no clothes left earlier but he didn’t feel naked then like he does now, under her gaze.
“I’ll be there at 10”, she says firmly, and Steve just closes his eyes and swallows, hands gripping the wheel tightly. There’s a light tap on the window frame, and she’s leaving him but she says she’s coming back tomorrow and he doesn’t know how to feel, he’s never had anyone come back before.
When she shows up a day later she’s full of questions and there isn’t even a tiny bit of fear after all.
For once, Steve’s not alone.
—
Steve is 16 and invited to his first high school party, with people he doesn’t know.
It makes his skin and teeth itch, but Tommy’s hovering over his shoulder, pointing out people to talk to. Steve knows what Tommy wants so he lets just the tiniest bit of Other creep through his skin, restraining the urge to growl as eyes start sliding in his direction. The timid ones move quickly out of his way, while the more confident teens turn in his direction with interest. Tommy’s behind him the whole way, second just off his right and Carol behind him, and together they back him up as he talks to the host.
The thing in him works again, the older teenager clapping Steve on the shoulder and handing him his first drink. He keeps an easy grin on his face even as Tommy comes up behind him and introduces himself too, though it slides off as he looks around the room again. Tommy’s happy, and he should be too. His body yearns for the night sky, and Steve is having a hard time pretending he wants nothing more than to be here at this loud, smelly party.
He comes back to awareness as Tommy starts dragging him towards the kitchen, distracted as he agrees to the keg stand. His mind is on the forest, itching to run silently under the stars.
—
Steve is 19 and can’t be happier.
Robin is next to him, and his heart sings at her near him, a soulmate in the best way. The kids are in and out of the store, and he misses Will and El and weirdly Jon but he talks to them at least once a week. Nancy is no longer uncomfortable to talk to, with a network of people that know what he is and are comfortable with him. He thinks he might finally settle, with his new family surrounding him.
Chrissy dies.
Eddie is loud and panicky and it takes a lot of effort for Steve to not act with his gut instincts, to act human instead. His family has gotten used to his weird mannerisms, Robin finds them funny. But Eddie is not in his family, and he finds himself restraining his impulses in a way he hasn’t needed to in a long time, no matter how much Dustin insists Eddie is cool and can be trusted.
The Upside Down makes all of his hair stand on end, and it takes so much effort for Steve to not change even just slightly, to keep them safer. When the demon bats attack and his neck is caught he can’t quite stop himself, claws tearing the creature off him and his teeth and strength tearing it in two. Eddie’s panic prevents him from noticing it, though, allowing Steve to change his eyes so long as Eddie is not paying close attention. The red light makes the gold hard to notice, Nancy says, and Steve trusts her judgement.
They survive the first trip through the Upside Down, and then Dustin’s suggesting they go back and finish it for good, and Nancy has a lead she can follow.
Max is targeted.
Steve suddenly wants to hunt down this Vecna, put his teeth in his throat and put him down for daring to touch his Max. Steve knows the sudden change draws attention, but Max can’t sleep and neither can he and it makes him want to tear off his human skin and burn down the world to keep her safe.
The plan is too complicated, but Vecna has been outsmarting them at every turn. Nancy came up with the plan, it should be a good one, it feels like a good one, but Steve can’t help the itch on the back of his neck, the one that makes him feel like something is going to happen. He and Robin lean on each other, Steve’s face buried in her hair as he imprints on her scent. He catches the odd look from Eddie but ignores it, as everyone else does. When Steve does the same to everyone else in turn, the look only gets stranger, but Steve can’t bring himself to care right now. Dustin’s hair buries a whining growl, and Dustin hums back in a way that soothes him.
There’s a moment when he pulls away that the urge to do the same to Eddie strikes, and Steve satisfies it by shaking Eddie’s hand. Be safe, he tells him. Keep Dustin safe.
Eddie looks awed. Steve shuts down the thing within him, watches Eddie suddenly look lost and confused. Steve pretends he doesn’t notice.
In the Upside Down Steve is Other, tracking through the decay on all fours.
He wants to run, to hunt, but he forces himself slow so Nancy and Robin can keep pace. He has to keep them safe, make sure nothing creeps up behind him as they travel. Robin rests a hand on his back as they travel, and the contact settles him, keeps him from jumping at every sound.
Everything goes wrong.
Steve can’t escape the tendril that holds him, is watching Robin suffocate in front of him. His claws scratch uselessly, his mouth muzzled, all his strength and he can’t break free-
The tendrils go slack. Steve rips himself free, frees Nancy and Robin, and turns toward the source of the tendrils.
Fire tears, bullets gouge, and Steve lunges forward to finish the job. His body collides with Vecna, his teeth snap in the air as the monster in his claws twists free, and then Vecna is diving through the window. Steve flings himself after him, Vecna can’t get away, he has to die now-
Vecna’s gone.
They search, looking for tracks, traces of fire, Steve puts his nose to the ground to find where he could have possibly disappeared to in the second, the moment Steve had his eyes off him, but it’s no use. There’s no scent trail, not of flesh nor smoke, like Vecna never existed.
On the journey back Steve hears Dustin screaming.
His ears flash forwards and he bolts, leaving Robin and Nancy protesting behind him as he tears across the ground. The distance vanishes under his paws, his chest heaving for air as he follows the screams. He barely notices the bodies of creatures still on the ground, only when he has to leap to clear them. The screams grow closer and closer, until Dustin is right in front of him and Steve has to bury his claws in the ground to swing himself to a sudden halt.
He sees the cause of Dustin’s screams immediately. The scent of blood almost makes his mind foggy with panic until he realizes it’s not Dustin’s blood, that it belongs to Eddie in Dustin’s arms, eyes almost vacant as he stares at the lightning-filled sky.
Dustin is begging Steve to do something, anything, but he can see Eddie’s pulse in his neck and smell him and he knows there’s nothing he can do. He falls to his knees human, reaching out like maybe he can stop the bleeding from multiple sources, attempting to try even if he knows it won’t work. He’s distantly aware of Eddie’s confused look as Steve leans over him, just conscious enough to be aware, not even groaning in pain as Steve puts pressure on the worst wounds. Eddie’s breathing and heart are barely fluttering as Nancy and Robin finally catch up, gasping for breath as they stare in shock.
Steve still has his hand buried in the wound on Eddie’s neck as Dustin shoves at him. Change him, he screams, and Steve can only shake his head because he can’t, he knows what the survival odds are, the reason Steve’s parents changed him and not themselves. He knows what it’s like to be terrified of your own reflection, and even on the slim chance Eddie lives he can’t put him through that. He won’t, he’s not like the drug-addled creature his parents found, he will not change someone against their will.
He doesn’t realize he’s saying this out loud.
Dustin’s screaming at Eddie, and Steve can feel a barely-there pressure on his thigh as Eddie struggles to close his hand.
It’s enough.
Steve begs for forgiveness as he changes and lunges forward to bite.
Eddie’s breaths stop and his heart stills. The bite killed him, he was too weak to survive, Steve killed him and he knows Eddie was going to die anyways but it’s his fault, he should never have done it-
Eddie’s eyes open. They’re gold.
—
Steve is almost 20 and isn’t alone anymore.