Chapter Text
[Top Gear Theme Song Plays]
Jeremy (Voice Over): Tonight on Top Gear, James and I have an awkward silence-
[Screen shows James and Jeremy seating couches on the platform, not talking while the audience laughs around them]
Jeremy (VO cont.): James has a flat tire-
[Screen shows James suddenly stopping his car on the track and getting out to see the flat tire]
James: Oh cock!
Jeremy (VO cont.): And we all sing!
[Screen shows Jeremy and Richard in the middle of a song on the track next to two cars]
Richard: (sings) My car is better, and there’s nothing you can do about that!
Jeremy: (sings) Well...
[Top Gear theme song ends and the cameras from a monitor in the hanga r and focuses on Jeremy]
Jeremy: Hide your kids and put in your earplugs because this is the first and only musical episode of Top Gear!
[Confused murmurs are heard throughout the audience]
Jeremy: I know what you’re thinking: What the hell is going on? Well, the producers bet a lot of money that we couldn’t do the whole show in song, and now we’re proving them wrong.
[Murmurs of disbelief are heard from the audience]
Jeremy: Yeah, I know it’s stupid, but we’re doing it! Now it’s time for me to road test a new car!
[Monitors show a video of Jeremy driving a new car on the car]
Jeremy: (in video) I can’t believe I’m going to do this.
[Jeremy takes a deep breath]
Jeremy: (sings) This car is hard to beattt, it is a Merecedesss and it is pretty cheapppp! (whispers to camera) 5,000 pounds. (sings) The car’s sleek and fast and built to last, goes naught to sixty in 3.5 seconds and every bad idea for the car has been rejected. I am in awe of it’s beauty, it’s...it’s...
[Jeremy suddenly stops the car and opens the front door]
Jeremy: (talking to crew) What rhymes with beauty?
[The crew mumbles for a few moments]
Crew member: Classy?
[Jeremy thinks for a moment]
Jeremy: (sings) The car is classy! (talking to crew) How was that?
[Film ends and the cameras turn to an embarrassed Jeremy accompanied by Richard]
Jeremy: That was mortifying!
[Audience laughs]
Richard: C’mon Jeremy, think of the money we’ll get when this is over. Besides, that was the shortest road test you’ve ever done!
Jeremy: I can’t think of good rhymes on the spot, you know.
Richard: That much was obvious. Care to introduce the Stig with me?
Jeremy: Not at all. (sings) Some say that he once rolled around with pigs-
Richard: (sings) But all we know is he’s called the Stig! (talks) Take it away Stig!
[Richard pointed at the Stig, who was in the hangar]
The Stig: …
Richard: C’mon Stig! Take it away!
The Stig: …
Richard: Alright then, be that way!
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: Just roll the tape!
[The monitors show the Stig driving the car around the track. The cameras then turn back to Jeremy and Richard who are by the lap time board]
Jeremy: (sings) I think you want to know the results.
Richard: (sings) Yes, I want to know if the car has any speeding faults.
Jeremy: (sings) It might be faster than a Ferrari-
[Audience laughs]
Richard: (sings) Hey that isn’t funnyyy!
Jeremy: (talks) Actually it kind of is. Anyway, the car’s lap time is 1.28.7, which is faster than a Mercedes CL65.
Richard: (unenthusiastically) Interesting.
Jeremy: Cheer up mate, they were laughing with us, not at us.
Richard: (sarcastically) Sure they were.
Jeremy: Sing to commercial break with me?
Richard: Why the hell not?
Jeremy: (sings) Stay right here we’ll see you soon-
Richard: (sings dully) Right after the break we’ll do the news.
[The audience applauds as Top Gear goes to break]
TO BE CONTINUED