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“i can’t believe we’re going to be graduating soon,” gojo said, blowing out a gust of smoke.
“yeah, it’s crazy,” geto agreed. “i wonder what we’re gonna do next.”
“god, i hope i don’t end up like yaga. i don’t think i could ever be a teacher.”
geto scoffed. “yeah, you’d be a pretty shitty one.”
after a long day of dealing with cursed spirits, geto and gojo unwind with a little smoke break. it didn’t really do much for them, but it at least acted like a distraction. they didn't smoke often, but when they did, it was usually with shoko and out on the patio. but tonight was different, and gojo needed geto alone for this. tonight was different, and so has everything else been.
gojo can’t seem to place it, but geto’s been acting really strange lately. he’s more quiet and closed-off, and every time gojo gets close to him, he backs off. he’s asked about it countless times, but every single time, he’s met with indifference. geto claims that he’s fine, but gojo knows better than that. he’s watched him enough to truly know him.
call it love or call it obsession, but gojo holds geto dearly in his heart, and it’s terrifying seeing him become someone he’s not. they weren’t dating or anything, but there’s been moments where they stare into each other’s eyes just a little too long, and there was no mistaking it for anything other than love. there was something there, but neither of them ever brought it up.
but all of that was gone now, and gojo just wanted the chance to love geto wholeheartedly and endlessly. maybe it’s selfish, but he just wants the geto he knows back. he’s been really distant since riko died, but it feels so much more than just grief. there’s more to this story, and gojo intends on finding out what it is and being there for him; he just hopes that geto will let him in.
“hey, suguru?” gojo calls out. he second-guesses himself, wondering if this really is the best time to do this. geto hasn’t been himself lately, and gojo knows he should proceed with caution and maybe even leave it be, but he misses being wanted by geto too much to think clearly.
“yes, satoru?” god, even the way he says his name feels so heavenly.
it’s soft and endearing, full of love and hope. geto is one of the most genuine people gojo’s ever met, and it’s as clear as day in his words. it’s so lovely, all so lovely.
“how much of you will you give to me?” gojo asks, putting his heart out on the line. he’s absolutely terrified out of his mind, but there’s no reward without any risk.
geto just looked at him confused and dumbfounded. “what do you mean?”
“well, um…” gojo gulped. this was it, he could do this. “i think it’s pretty obvious that we both have some sort of feelings for each other, and i just wanted to know what you wanted to do with that. i- i like you a lot, suguru, and i don’t want to miss any part of you.”
gojo couldn’t be more nervous, and when geto just stared at him all wide-eyed and scared, it only added fuel to the already raging fire. still, he kept going, he had to, but for who?
“i know you’re not ok, suguru, and i don’t need you to tell me what’s going on. i just want you to be honest, but you’re not. you’re not letting me know all of who you are and what you feel.”
pouring his heart out, gojo only felt more and more unsteady as the time passed. geto wasn’t saying a word, his cigarette left unused and burning. what’s going on in his mind?
“i just want to know all you, suguru,” gojo pleaded, his voice soft and weak. “i want to be the first person you think of when you’re happy, sad, in need of help, waking up, going to sleep, all of it.”
he reached for geto’s hand, but quickly came to a halt, stopping himself from taking more than he was given. gojo wants to be greedy, but he also doesn’t want to be alone.
“i love you, suguru, i really do. you’re the only one i want by my side, and- and i know you feel the same way. so won’t you let me- won’t you let us get what we both want?”
it was quiet for a few moments, the lingering smell of smoke clouding the room as gojo waited for an answer. he knew what he wanted, he knew what he needed, geto just had to give that to him. they’re alike in ways nobody could ever understand because they simply just made sense together. well, it at least made sense to gojo. after all, it means the world to him.
finally, geto sighed. “satoru, i- i don’t know. this isn’t something we can both strive for without losing something, and i just don’t know if it’s worth the risk.”
“what?” gojo couldn’t believe his ears, and he absolutely did not want to. “why- why would you say that? how could you possibly know, suguru? we are worth it, i know we are.”
“i don’t know, satoru, i really don’t know. we don’t have the time or the energy to pursue a relationship nor are we in the right place to, so wouldn’t it be best if we just… let it go?”
taking a drag, geto seemed pretty deadset on that, and gojo wouldn’t be able to change his mind. he just wondered why geto and his poor heart changed so much.
whatever was going on in geto’s head, gojo wasn’t going to let it change them.
“s- suguru, i get it, you’re scared, so am i, but we can’t just like that rule us,” gojo tried his best to convince. he honestly wasn’t sure if he was speaking from the heart or out of his ass. “we don’t need to happen now, i just want to know you, suguru. i want to know what happened, i want to know that you’re ok and that i can be there for you whenever you need it.”
against his better judgement, gojo inched closer. “please, suguru, please let me love you. i- i don’t know why you’ve been acting so weird lately, but i want to know, i want to help you. please, just let me be the one that takes care of you. nobody else understands the pressure on us, and all we have are each other. we’re one and the same, suguru-”
“you are nothing like me,” geto spat out, venom laced in his words. gojo has never seen so much anger in his eyes, the same eyes that used to gaze at him ever-so lovingly. geto was furious, but he was also hurting, and gojo didn’t understand why.
“wha- what?” he can’t stand the way geto’s looking at him right now. “what do you mean?”
“we may both be special-grade sorcerers, but we are not alike, satoru. you are nothing like me, and i will never be anything like you.” geto’s glare only worsened, and gojo didn’t understand anything of what was going on. all he wanted to do was love geto like he was born to, but perhaps he took what he already had for granted. is it so wrong of him to want more?
“why aren’t we alike?” gojo asked, choking back tears as he felt his throat close up.
geto sighed. “i don’t… just drop it, satoru, you wouldn’t get it. we can’t be together.”
he was right, gojo didn’t understand. he was sure that whatever the reason was, it had to do with his sudden change in behavior. gojo didn’t understand, but he wanted to.
“why do you get to make that choice without me? isn’t that something we should discuss together? doesn’t what i want have a say in this?”
“it’s not a choice, satoru, that’s just how it is!” geto angrily refuted. “i’m not the one choosing or deciding to do anything, it’s just how our lives work.”
“but isn’t just it? it’s our lives, shouldn’t we be in control of it?” gojo doesn’t want to argue with geto, he really doesn’t, but his heart won’t leave it be. “so why can’t we decide on it together?-”
“it’s not a decision, satoru, no one is deciding anything!” geto snapped once more, but this time, it wasn’t angry. it was hurt, and he wouldn’t let gojo in to kiss it better.
geto’s eyes met gojo’s for a split second before turning away, going back to his forgotten cigarette. he couldn’t bear to look at him right now, and gojo felt like his whole world was coming down. maybe he’s too selfish for his own good, but he just wants an answer. he wants to see geto’s eyes again and find love in them, not a muddled reflection of heartache and pain.
“suguru, why… why won’t you just tell me? i want to understand you better, i want to know why we can’t be together. i want to help you, suguru, please let me help you.” gojo doesn’t beg nor does he allow himself to be so pathetic. he’s strong, independent, and perfectly capable of doing anything and everything. gojo doesn’t beg, but he yearns for geto like second nature.
“i just want to help you,” he whispers, his heart slowly losing all hope.
“satoru, i…” geto sighs. “i don’t know. i trust you with my life, but i don’t trust you with my heart. we can’t be together, and i can’t… i just can’t do this with you, so just drop it already, satoru.”
gojo doesn’t get it, he really, really doesn’t. not a single part of him does.
why doesn’t geto trust him with his heart? what happened to them in such a short amount of time? why did everything change, why did they have to change? it feels like gojo barely knows geto anymore, and it kills him more and more everyday. the distance between them only continues to grow, and gojo can’t get past the walls geto put up.
“ok,” he says, holding back tears. he knows geto sees it, but he won’t say anything. he doesn’t have the heart to, the same heart he won’t let gojo hold dearly. the basis of their friendship has always been the fact that they’re both special-grade sorcerers. only they know each other best, but it seems like gojo doesn’t know geto as well as he thought he did.
he still doesn’t understand any of this. geto says that he isn’t the one making that choice, he claims that it’s out of his hands, but how could that possibly be? there are answers to it all, there are solutions, so why won’t he take them? gojo is standing right in front of him with open arms as he willingly gives him everything he could ever want, and yet, geto won’t take it.
he says that he doesn’t know, and yet, he knows all the same. he always has.
indecision is a decision in itself, and geto made his choice.
and it wasn’t gojo.