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“i really think you’re missing out,” itadori said between hiccups. “it’s a great movie, and once you finally watch it, you’ll understand why it’s a cinematic masterpiece.”
fushiguro rolled his eyes, feeling just as woozy as he was. “yeah, i’m sure it is. maybe you’d think differently if you picked up a book for once.”
it’s a beautiful night, the kind that poems are written about. the moon is full and bright, illuminating the soft tranquility of the night. the stars join them, twinkling with the hopes and dreams of those below them. it’s beautiful, breathtaking even. and yet, here’s itadori and fushiguro, drinking like a bunch of idiots who don’t know any better than to kill themselves.
a lot’s happened in such little time, and itadori doesn’t know how to handle it all. there’s so much blood on his hands, so many lives hanging over his head that won’t let him forget how much of a monster he is. the people he loves and cares for so deeply have become nothing but a blood splatter, and itadori doesn’t have it in him to keep living anymore.
so of course he’s drinking his sorrows away, he couldn’t care less what happens to his body. nothing matters anymore, and nothing ever will. despite all the scars that litter his soul and calluses that mark his hands, itadori’s as delicate and fragile as they come. his touch lingers softly as does his heart, and it’s a shame he leaves a trail of blood wherever he goes.
his heart’s breaking faster than time is mending it, and itadori doesn’t know what to do with himself anymore. he’s not as strong as he seems, he’s not the hero of the story. he can’t be when everyone he loves becomes a speck of a star in the night sky and he’s still here, alive and breathing. but itadori doesn’t want to be alive, he doesn’t want to stay.
“hey, i read plenty!” itadori huffed before taking another sip. “you just don’t know a good movie when you see one! so sad, fushiguro, such a shame you lack creative interpretation.”
“oh, please. just because i don’t think a worm monster falling in love with a human would be a good movie doesn’t mean i don’t have the critical thinking skills to properly analyze a movie.”
“oh, really? then what does that mean?”
“it means you have shit taste in movies, that’s what,” fushiguro said with a sly grin, and as he laughed, itadori swore he saw the universe in them. there’s not a single world where he would want to live as a ruthless monster who has indirectly caused so much pain and suffering.
but then there’s fushiguro who can still find it in him to look at itadori like he’s just himself. itadori’s not just sukuna’s vessel, he’s a teenager who collects manga and watches bad movies. he’s a loved one to many who loves with all that he is and makes an effort to show it. he’s a person, he’s human. he bleeds like anybody else, and fushiguro sees it all.
but it’s not like he ignores that side of itadori either, it’d be impossible to. instead, fushiguro pushes itadori to be better, he encourages him and stands by his side through it all. he’s seen all destruction itadori has caused, he’s seen the blood, he’s seen the bodies. he knows what a shitty person itadori is, he knows how awful he is, and yet, fushiguro still smiles at him.
“well then, i’m never inviting you out to the movies again!” itadori huffed, slurring his words as he swayed back and forth. “and that also means i won’t buy you coffee afterwards.”
itadori never once thought love to be kind and welcoming. even before he became a jujutsu sorcerer, he never felt like love was particularly made for him.
it didn’t really upset him or anything though, it was just a matter-of-fact. sure, it got a bit lonely at times, but itadori never cared much about it in the first place.
“ok, fine. then next time you ask me to bring out my divine dogs for you, i’m going to say no.”
“no, that’s not fair, fushiguro! they’re so cute, and that’s so cruel to them!”
but then fushiguro came along, and itadori’s never knew what it was like to want something until now. for the first time in his life, his heart yearned and ached for another’s touch, and he’s glad that it’s fushiguro. itadori wanted to hold him like he was the moon above, he wanted to keep him safe in his arms. itadori wanted, he desired, he longed for all of fushiguro.
fushiguro rolled his eyes. “oh, please. it is not, and you know it.”
“well, it’s cruel to me!” itadori whined, draping his arms over fushiguro. this was the only form of skinship he could handle without his heart jumping out of his chest. even if he was incredibly, helplessly, uncontrollably in love with fushiguro, itadori never asked for more than he was given.
but then people died, both from outside forces and his own hands. lives were lost, and itadori has to spend the rest of his life mourning the memories he never got the chance to make. death is a part of life, but does it have to be so heartless and take away his loved ones so soon? itadori’s plagued with grief, and he realizes just how much he has to lose.
he already died once, he can’t die again with such harrowing feelings in his heart. itadori doesn’t want to die with regrets, and he wants to believe that he’ll never regret falling in love with fushiguro. but how is he supposed to feel that way when everything in his life is proving him wrong? people are dying, and yet, here he is, alive, breathing, and so selfishly in love.
death is a part of life and being a jujutsu sorcerer, and itadori knows this, he knew what he was getting into. but whether it be him or fushiguro that’s leaving, he doesn’t want to be left wondering what could’ve been if he opened his heart and soul to fushiguro. itadori wants to love and be loved, and he only has so little time left before he can let it consume his very being.
but everything comes with a risk, and as harrowing as these feelings are, is itadori willing to take that risk? can he truthfully say that if he were to confess and it didn’t go as planned, he’d die without regrets? itadori doesn’t know, so here he is, stuck waiting and unmoving. the world keeps spinning, but his world doesn’t even notice him.
god, he’s way too sober for this. taking his hands off fushiguro, itadori grabs another beer, staring up at the sky as if the answer to all his problems were written in the stars. he wishes he and fuhsiguro were written in the stars. he takes a long swig, drowning his sorrows in nothing but shitty booze he’s way too young for. he’s too young to be a killer too, and yet, here he is.
as beautiful as he is, itadori can’t even bring himself to look at fushiguro right now. it’s all too blinding, and he doesn’t want to get his hopes up searching for a future that won’t ever happen in his eyes. he can’t lose more faith and trust in the world that he already has, so he looks away. itadori wouldn’t be able to handle losing fushiguro more than anything.
fuck, he really doesn’t want to think about this anymore. he should say something. “hey, so i-”
but just before itadori could get anything out, fushiguro quickly climbed on top of him, his legs caging him in. his face was bright red, flushed all the way up to his ears as his hands draped around his shoulders. what’s going on? why’s he doing this? is he drunk?
itadori didn’t understand what was happening, but he knew that in the moonlight, fushiguro looked beautiful. he always does, but the cool glow of the moon brings out the best in him. but itadori didn’t get to admire his beauty for long. before he knew it, a pair of lips crashed into his, and even with the strong hints of beer, it tasted heavenly because it was fushiguro.
he kissed back, chasing the love and lust on fushiguro’s tongue. all the painful yearning and desire came pouring out, and itadori found himself wanted to overpower every part of fushiguro. he wanted to hold him tight and never let go, he wanted to monopolize his very being and love it all. itadori was obsessed, but he also knew that this wasn’t how he wanted fushiguro to be his.
it took everything in him to push fushiguro back, his heart breaking when he saw the heartbreak in fushiguro’s eyes. itadori knew it was rude, he knew he shouldn’t have been so cruel, but he didn’t have a choice. he couldn’t stay like this, he couldn’t love fushiguro like this.
“i- i’m sorry, fushiguro,” itadori said shaking, “but i can’t do this with you, not like this.”
maybe he should’ve just taken what he was given, but itadori never could’ve settled for just this.
“what are you talking about?” fushiguro chuckled, blowing it off like it was nothing. “come on, it won’t matter. we’re drunk and dumb, we can just let it be a one-time thing.”
itadori didn’t get drunk easily, even when he had downed five cans already. fushiguro had a little more, but the weird thing is that he doesn’t get drunk easily either.
“that’s- that’s the problem!” itadori shouted, his back against the wall as he prayed he would sink in and never come back. “i- i can’t do this with you and pretend like it never happened. i can’t pretend like none of this matters to me when it’s all i’ve ever wanted.”
that’s when fushiguro’s drunken giggles turned somber. “what- what do you mean?”
well, it was now or never. it was too late for itadori to back out, and once he said it all, nothing would ever be the same again. but if he were to continue making out with fushiguro, everything would still have been different. itadori could never just be friends with him again, and every second spent pretending only would’ve ruined him. so he took a deep breath.
“fushiguro, i love you,” itadori confessed, his chest aching and pounding. “i love you more than i have time to. and- and i know that i should be grateful to get anything with how things are right now, but i can’t settle for this. fushiguro, i- i can’t be friends with you like this.”
he looked up and saw the moon staring back, the stars no longer shining ever-so lively.
still, itadori kept going. “i can’t be friends with you at all because you’re the kind of person i’d wait my whole life for. you’re the kind of person i’d search for in every lifetime, you’re the kind of person i’d live and die for, you’re the kind of person i’d marry if i had the chance to! i just… fushiguro, you’re my person, you’re my everything, and i can’t just be friends with you.”
it felt like a huge, overwhelming weight was just lifted off his shoulders, but that moment of relief lasted for only a second before a new burden replaced it. how was fushiguro going to react? what was he going to say? is this the end? itadori didn’t know what he would do if it was, but what’s said is said, and he can only hope that fushiguro feels the same.
but when nothing but awkward silence filled the air, itadori could already feel his entire heart and soul crumbling and cracking into dust. he just ruined everything, and he’s about to lose the only love he’s ever known. itadori could never love and care for someone the same way he did with fushiguro, and he’s afraid he’ll never get to experience that same undying kind of love.
just as itadori was about to leave, fushiguro scooted back over to him, leaning against the wall. he sunk a bit, fiddling with his fingers. he couldn’t bring himself to look at itadori, and though the silence was killing him, he missed seeing the moon in fushiguro’s eyes.
“i’m- i’m not actually drunk,” fushiguro confessed, “i never was.”
itadori didn’t understand. “then why did you do any of this? why did you say that you were?”
“because i wasn’t thinking clearly.” fushiguro sighed, his voice soft and shaky. “i- i thought that if i could convince you that this was just a one-time thing that we could easily blame on the alcohol, you’d indulge in me and i could pretend like you were actually in love with me too.”
“wha- what?” itadori couldn’t believe his ears. he desperately wanted to, he wanted to trust every single word that left fushiguro’s lips and kiss him all over again. he wanted to hold him tight and shower him with all the love his bloody hands and heart can offer. but were they really true? did fushiguro actually feel the same? or was itadori just getting his hopes up?
“i know what i did was dumb and immature, but i didn’t know what else to do. i just… i couldn’t hold back anymore.” fushiguro’s solemn, somber eyes met itadori’s, and the very sight of them would have killed him over and over again. “i’m sorry, itadori, i really am.”
nothing in the world could have ever prepared itadori for what fushiguro would say next.
“i wish it wasn’t you who i fell in love with, itadori. i wish the chance i was given would give me the time to as well. but i can’t be the person you wait for, and it’s my biggest regret.” fushiguro gave the weakest smile known to man, feeble and frail. tears streamed down his porcelain skin, and itadori did nothing to stop them. but instead, he found himself pulling fushiguro close to him.
his arms wrapped around him like it was instinct, like protecting and comforting fushiguro was simply part of his human nature. itadori ignored his heart breaking just so he could mend fushiguro’s, and he’d do so in every life after this. it didn’t matter if their feelings were reciprocated when neither of them could ever watch their love grow old.
but even so, itadori tried. he didn’t care if he would perish before his heart ever got the chance to truly admire and worship the very ground fushiguro walks on.
“please don’t say that, fushiguro,” itadori begged, squeezing him tighter, “please don’t say that. you will always be that person because i will never love someone like or as much as i love you.”
alcohol long forgotten, itadori held fushiguro tenderly, careful not to hurt him. but no matter how soft his touch is, it will always burn. itadori can be as kind as he wants, but the desperate longing from his fingers to his palm will never free fushiguro from the curse that is love. he and his heart aren’t as delicate as he wants to be, and everything will always break in hands.
“fushiguro, please,” itadori pleaded as tears began to form. “please keep loving me, please never let me be the one regret that keeps you from dying peacefully. fushiguro, i love you, please let me love you too. i can’t promise any of this will be easy or i’ll be around long enough for it to be, but please, fushiguro, please live with me until i can’t, until we can’t.”
just this once, will the world have mercy on him and let him be selfish? he doesn’t deserve it, and he never will. no amount of praying can absolve him of all the harm he’s caused, and he’s the last person in the world who should be in love. but just this once, before he loses the only love he’s ever known, can he please, please, please get what he wants?
“i can’t, itadori,” fushiguro cried, “i can’t do this. i don’t deserve you, i can’t be with you. please let me go, please don’t do this to yourself.”
he was delirious and delusional, spewing out the contents of his heart as if itadori would listen. but he’s lost too much to let go, and he can’t lose fushiguro too. never him, please, never him.
maybe it was the alcohol or the inherent loneliness of the night, but fushiguro laid all his cards out on the table, praying to a god he didn’t believe in for a moment of peace. itadori wasn’t a part of that moment or that future simply because fushiguro wouldn’t let him. love was never the problem when it came to them, but it wasn’t the solution either.
still, itadori did everything he could to convince fushiguro otherwise. he let go for only a second before planting his lips on fushiguro’s, soft and sweet like he deserves to be treated. even with shitty booze lingering in the corners of his mouth, he hoped fushiguro could taste the love that coated his lips. it was overwhelming and uncontrollable, and it was all for him.
rough and needy, his calloused hands tangle themselves in fushiguro’s unruly hair as itadori feels fushiguro grip onto his shirt. neither of them are willing to let go or leave, but the fear is there, the fear is enough to drive them to insanity. they’ve got nothing left to lose except for each other, but to them, they’d be losing everything and so much more.
“fushiguro,” itadori murmured between kisses, only moving back for a second to let him feel all the love he holds in his selfish lips. “fushiguro, i love you.”
itadori never thought love could sound so beautiful coming from his mouth, but each time he utters fushiguro’s name, he’s reminded that it’s fushiguro that’s the beautiful one.
itadori clung on so dearly to everything fushiguro was willing to offer him, and it meant the world to him that fushiguro kissed back. he yearned for more, he waited for itadori to give him more. it contradicted with everything he just said, but when the only one he’s ever loved chases after his heart so feverishly, fushiguro has no choice but to comply.
except he did have a choice, and in every life, he would’ve chosen itadori.
gasping for air, the two break apart, gazing deeping in each other’s eyes. fushiguro’s still crying, and itadori gets lost in the stream of galaxies he’s made of. it’s all so hauntingly beautiful, and he wonders if fushiguro could still love him when he’s this plain and dull. but in fushiguro’s eyes, itadori’s all the color in the world, all the color he’s ever had.
they’re as different as can be, but even if they were destined to be apart in every universe that follows, they’ll always be under the same moon wishing on the same stars. whatever they’re made of, itadori’s soul is the same as fushiguro’s, and that’s all he’s ever wanted.
“i love you,” itadori whispered like it was a secret and a vow, “please let me wait for you.”
fushiguro didn’t answer, his lips quivering as he looked away. he couldn’t bear to see himself in itadori’s overbearing gaze full of a love he won’t let himself have. itadori hated it, he hated it so, so much. gentle and delicate as can be, he titled fushiguro’s face back towards him, hoping that what’s reflected in his eyes won’t be the end of them.
again, fushiguro didn’t answer, but instead, he took itadori’s hands and brought it to his cheek, nuzzling into his warm. it’s not as soft as it should be, but it’s what makes him human. a tear runs down his face, and itadori instinctively wipes it away. his whole life is dedicated to protecting fushiguro, and he can’t wait for all this to be over.
finally, fushiguro smiled again. “if you die before me, i’ll kill you.”
there it was, that blinding smile itadori loves oh-so dearly. he missed seeing it, he missed getting to admire the creases by fushiguro’s eyes and the dimples in his cheeks, he missed it all. itadori had it back in his hands, and for the first time ever, it was all his.
“ok, i won’t,” itadori said with a soft laugh, “i promise i won’t.”
both of them know that he can’t, but when he says it so lovingly, how could they possibly label it a lie? with everything that’s just happened, itadori doesn’t really know if his life is worth living. he’s breathing, alive, and in love, but does he truly deserve to be?
in his eyes, itadori doesn’t think he does. but when fushiguro kisses the palm of his hand, he finds his own reason to stay. he knows he shouldn’t be so dependent on fushiguro’s very existence to determine whether or not he deserves to live, but itadori can’t find any other reason. besides, he can’t possibly leave fushiguro all alone.
it’s almost one in the morning, and the two really should be going to bed soon. but instead, they lay on their backs holding hands as they stare up at all the stars above. it’s all so vast and far, and itadori wonders if there’s a place for him and fushiguro there. death is inevitable, and thought terrifies him. when it’s their time to go and the world comes to an end, will they as well?
but it doesn’t matter if the universe was collapsing in on itself, it doesn’t matter if the planets collided and it was the end of everything. even if the world had come to an end, itadori would still hold onto fushiguro. he’d hold on not because he was afraid to be lost and alone, but because he’d give his life to know fushiguro’s touch like the blood on his hands and teeth.
maybe the world was ending and they didn’t know it, maybe it really was the end. but as the stars shine a little brighter and the moon looks a little fuller, itadori had everything in his arms. there was still hope and love in the world because he had his own, and as long as fushiguro would accept him, they’d transcend life and death and become their own stars in the sky.
they’d shine together, not for the night sky, but for each other; always for each other.