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Odysseus took a deep breath.
Being immortal was… strange, to say the least. Watching the world change so drastically in front of his eyes, heck, watching his own island change too. A statue of him was located here now. It looked nothing like him, but Odysseus didn't mind. Must be a running theme in their family.
Having some divine powers had its perks, like an ability to enchant things. He did so with his bow, so it wouldn't get ruined by time, and with his cloak, now it could store items like an inventory in those videogames, and also could be changed into different forms, like a jacket he was currently wearing.
People stopped worshipping gods. And the gods retreated into shadows. Of course, they were out there - slightly weaker, mellowed out, but still there.
Athena kept working on making the world a better place, with Telemachus' assistance. Odysseus would also help occasionally, although unlike those two he couldn't got rid of his growing cynism. World wars, for example. The thought about them still caused a bitter chuckle out of him. Compared to them, the Trojan war was just a bunch of kids brawling in a sandbox.
Speaking of which, people might not worship the gods (or at least not all of them), but it didn't mean they were forgotten. It was a little bit surreal, hearing people tell each other the same stories Odysseus was told and even lived through.
Unfortunately, his own story was one of them as well. The Odyssey, an epic poem, one of the most influential pieces of ancient literature that inspires authors to this day. Odysseus wanted to bash his head against the wall every time he heard its mention. He didn't want the worst time of his life to be recreated over and over, didn't want his worst mistakes to be thrown into his face. He hasn't watched or read any adaptation. Self-care and all that jazz. At least the version people knew was the one Odysseus himself fed the bards at one point, in which his wife was, in fact, named Penelope, she wasn't a deity, he hadn't become one and there wasn't a fight with Poseidon.
And people certainly didn't know how their family got extended in past years. After his wife learned about the encounter with the sirens, she decided that a lack of a daughter was something that should be eventually fixed. Which they did. Four times. Plus Poliporthes, who was ironically named after their fictional son someone made up, because Penelope thought it would be funny and "why waste a good name?".
Fictional sons… This was yet another can of worms. Odysseus had never thought before that there could be such thing as "too much creativity". Like some guy who didn't get the memo, that the king of Ithaca refused Circe's advances, and wrote an absolute bunch of bullshit about their supposed son, who grew up and unknowingly killed his father, then married his widow and had his half-brother marry his mother. Telemachus has never even been to Aeaea, goddammit! And Odysseus had meticulously collected every single copy of Telegony (after that having a father-daughter bonding moment with Melitta by setting all of them on fire together), yet the blasted thing still survived in a form of a summary.
Then it was just one huge trainwreck, especially after those romans came. In some twisted way Odysseus was thankful to them for coming up with a different name for him, made it easier to abstract from all that nonsense. There appeared stories of his other children with Circe, despite the fact he had only been on her island for a year (and Odysseus thought he was bad at math), stories of twin sons he had with Calypso (Odysseus felt nauseous each time he accidentally came across those ones). At one point these poor excuses of writers started making up women he allegedly slept with out of thin air. Callidice, Penelope's mortal alias, got turned into a separate character, a queen of some country Odysseus had never actually visited, whom he married although he already had a wife. And this was one of many examples.
Each of those stories ended up with his lover giving birth to a son, because of course they did. Nevermind the fact that the men of the Arceisiades line could only have one son per generation, which wasn't exactly a secret. Poliporthes was born "the seahorse way", so that was a loophole, not a breaking of the rule. (Athena still seemed a tiny bit traumatized by having to act as midwife. The goddess had been screaming almost as much as Odysseus had.)
And what's worse, the bastards had to drag through the dirt not only his name, but Penelope's as well. The nerve they had to assume she would've willingly cheated with any of the suitors, the audacity to think he would've dared to hurt his wife, exile her, kill her-
Odysseus locked his fingers on the back of his neck. Great, now he's just ruined his own mood. This is why he didn't like reminiscing. He took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself. He was fine, everything was fine, his family was safe, there were no illegitimate kids, and nowadays most of those stories of his supposed infidelity were barely known and disregarded by the public.
What was that grounding technique again?
Five things he could see: clouds, the sea, a yacht, a cliff, the buildings.
Four things he could touch: the ground, his hair, his clothes, the railing.
Three things he could hear: the waves, seagulls, the wi-
"ODYSSEUS OF ITHACA!"
Do you know who I am?
To say that Odysseus jumped in the air was to say nothing.
He turned around rapidly. What, how, why-
Oh. There were just some tourists screaming next to his statue. Each one of them made an attempt to yell out his name, some sounding closer to harpies than humans.
Odysseus leaned on the railing, rubbing his face. Just some tourists fooling around, nothing else. Except why were they mimicking almost perfectly Poseidon's intonation from way back then? Mere coincidence?
Odysseus left for more secluded area. Pressed his back to a tree. His heart was pounding in his chest. He sighed. The pain severely dulled with time, but it still reminded of itself occasionally. The nightmares were more rare and not as vivid, causing Odysseus only to wake up feeling numb instead of crying and screaming in his sleep. He had been terrified of holding newborns, children and grandchildren alike. Still hated vines. It had taken him too long to stop freaking out whenever someone tried to touch him without warning.
Gods, so much time has passed already, shouldn't he be fine by now? Maybe he should try out this "therapy" thing Telemachus keeps pestering him about.
His thoughts were interrupted by the familiar laughter.
"Hermes!" Odysseus could actually use some company right now, to distract himself if anything.
"And good day to you, darling!" the messenger god dropped from somewhere above and wrapped his arms around his descendant in a tight hug. He was wearing a brown fur coat and sunglasses. Unusual combination, but eh, Odysseus had seen weirder fashion choices.
"Any particular reason for your visit, or did you just decide to drop by?" Odysseus wondered after managing to free himself from the hug.
"Ohohoho, I'm so glad you asked!" Hermes was practically bursting from excitement.
"You see, ever since yours truly had made some effort to get internet on Olympus, we've been discovering so many fascinating mortals to keep an eye on. Take our current guy for example, wrote a whole musical, and we're here for the premier of the final saga!"
"Alright, but why on Ithaca specifically?" suddenly the island's god got a very bad feeling about this.
"Isn't it obvious? The musical is about you, darling! And our rhapsode plays the main role!"
However, Hermes' glee lessened, when he saw Odysseus immediately frown.
"Oh, come on," he sighed. "I know your opinion on the Odyssey, but aren't you at least a little bit ecstatic you've been a muse for people for thousands of years? The retellings can't be all that bad."
"I'm not gonna deny there might be some high quality ones, it's just…" Odysseus waved his hands around, struggling to put his feelings into words. "I'm just uncomfortable with them."
"Alright then," Hermes patted his shoulder. "But can you at least listen to my songs? Those are bops, I promise you, one of my best performances yet."
"Okay, okay, if you say so… Wait, what do you mean "your performances"?"
"Oh, like I said, I've learned about this musical from the internet and I simply had to get a role!" the god exclaimed.
"You're playing a role… of yourself," honestly, Odysseus probably shouldn't be surprised.
"And it's not only me!" Hermes continued. "Apollo also joined, how could he not to, then Aphrodite heard about this, she dragged Ares into it, surprisingly, he didn't protest too much, did you know he's pretty good at spitting bars? Who would've thought!"
"Hold on!" Odysseus shook his hands vividly to stop the god from chattering. "You mean, other olympians participate in this musical too?"
"Well, not all of us. Hephaestus refused, saying he had better things to do, but worry not, we've found more than suitable replacement, Dionysus, Hestia and Artemis didn't since, you know, their characters weren't involved." Hermes listed on his fingers. "Oh! Also Circe refused when I asked her - by the way, did you know she switched to guinea pigs? - anyway, she refused, but that might've been for the better, now Dite got herself a new couple to gush about."
Odysseus only felt tension rising in his body.
"That leaves everyone else- Wait, is Athena also singing?!"
"She does! Incredible, right!? Though, I think she at first joined the project to distract father from trying to turn into an eagle near our guy, if you know what I mean," Hermes coughed into his fist awkwardly.
"Zeus is on this too?!" Odysseus choked on air.
"Yep! And, get this, he even convinced Poseidon to perform! Uncle of course insists he's doing it just because father made him, but he's not fooling anyone, you should've seen him jamming out in his introduction song."
This felt so surreal. Besides, there was one more thing Hermes said that was rather concerning.
"And when you said you're all here for the premier, you meant…" Odysseus began.
"Oh, not all of us. Athena, Apollo and Hera were busy, Poseidon simply didn't want to come here and made up some excuse."
"Still, Zeus is here," suddenly Odysseus was incredibly glad he was currently the only one on the island, his daughters with their mother and his sons somewhere in the mainland. Maybe he should keep an eye on those mortals as well, just in case. "Am I supposed to host you?"
"Worry not about that, darling," Hermes shook his head. "We've found ourselves a place to stay. Trying to be incognito here after all."
"And what about Aeolus? Tiresias? …Calypso?" Odysseus unconsciously rubbed the dark circles on his wrists.
"Those are all played by mortals, don't worry," Hermes held his descendant's shoulder in soothing way. The latter relaxed a little.
"Alright, but what if the mortals realize who you truly are?"
"Pffft, we've already called each other by our real names multiple times, they just think we're in character."
"Still, why would you participate in something created by mortals?" Odysseus couldn't imagine playing himself.
Hermes shrugged.
"Boredom, mostly. And it sort of became an inside joke, watching humans being unaware that, for example, Aphrodite in a movie is played by an actual Aphrodite."
Suddenly the god's pocket started ringing. He pulled a phone out.
"Whoops, sorry darling, gotta go, they're looking for me."
Hermes ran a few steps, but then stopped abruptly and turned back to Odysseus:
"Listen, you may not want to have a cameo in an Odyssey adaptation, even though I believe that would've been awesome, but can I at least introduce our mortals to a mysterious and cryptic, yet well-meaning bakery owner?"
It was nice that his great-grandfather didn't judge him for his seemingly unusual hobby. So what if it was a result of Odysseus picking up stress baking. If he was going to spend the whole night making so many vanilla buns it was too much for his entire family to eat, he could as well start selling them.
Odysseus chuckled.
"Fine, a mysterious and cryptic, yet well-meaning bakery owner doesn't mind to meet new people."
"Splendid! Then tonight at 7 p.m., you'll love them, darling!" and with that Hermes was gone.
Odysseus rolled his eyes in amusement. Who knows, it could turn out fun after all.
***
"Ody, this is a disaster! You must do something!"
Odysseus has long got used to Hermes sometimes barging in after closing hours without saying "hello".
"What happened?" he wasn't worried, if it was something serious, the divine messenger wouldn't be rolling on the floor in dramatic fashion.
"That storm today? That's uncle being petty! And do you know the worst part?" Hermes grabbed Odysseus' apron and didn't wait for an answer. "The internet connection barely works! It took almost an hour to upload a minute long video!"
"So what?" call Odysseus an old fart, but he didn't consider bad internet connection worth treating like it was an end of the world.
"So what!?" Hermes jumped up from the floor. "Today was supposed to be the premier of the full musical!"
"Can't you just reschedule it to another date?" Odysseus remained unfazed.
Hermes gasped as if he suggested to kick a kitten. But before he managed to say anything, the door was slammed open, almost torn off the hinges.
"King of Ithaca!" Ares boomed, stomping to the counter. Aphrodite slipped inside after him.
"To what do I own the pleasure?" Odysseus tried to keep polite tone.
"Cut this nonsense off, we don't have time. Do something about this!" the god of war pointed at the window, where trees bent by strong wind were seen.
"You mean the storm?" Odysseus asked.
"What else could we possibly mean, hon?" Aphrodite said sweetly, placing a hand on her lover's shoulder, probably to prevent him from calling Odysseus a moron.
"Because it messes with the musical premier," he clarified.
"Exactly!" Ares hit the counter with his fist, making the tip jar jump. "We've all been waiting for so long for the final saga to come out. It has the murder song in it!"
"The murder song?"
"Oh oh oh, it's the one about slaughter of the suitors!" Hermes chimed in. "There's this cool moment, where a suitor is like "we are defenceless, up against an archer, our only chance is to strike him in the darkness", and another suitor is like "we know these halls, the odds can be tilted", and then you're like "you don't think I know my own palace, I built it", and pow pow pow, they're dead, and a badass choir is chanting your name!"
Okay, Odysseus would admit that did stroke his ego just a tiny bit.
"And the final duet? The emotional love song? I can already sense the amount of feelings it will cause in mortals, I need that!" it was rare to see Aphrodite so agitated, slightly unhinged even.
"Not only that," Hermes suddenly dragged Odysseus to the window and basically pressed him to the glass. "See over there? Now the mortal is sad, I don't like it when they're sad!"
There was a small figure of a young man on the ledge of the cliff. Odysseus curled his hands in fists to stop the numbness in his fingers. The sight was way too familiar. He suppressed the urge to rush there and get the mortal away from the edge.
"To be honest, I don't understand," he returned to the topic at hand to prevent his mind going down the path it shouldn't be going. "Isn't Zeus here? Can't he tell his brother to stop the storm?"
Ares muttered something under his breath, while Aphrodite huffed:
"Because Zeus said we should just let Poseidon "get it out of his system or else he would keep bitching about it for the next century". I suspect he simply doesn't want to deal with this temper tantrum."
"So you want me to deal with it instead?" Odysseus crossed his arms. "What makes you think I would succeed?"
The three olympians raised their eyebrows in perfect sync. Oh, right, that one time Odysseus turned Poseidon into shish kabob with his own trident.
"Besides, where is your pride as a god? Are you just going to let Poseidon do whatever he wants on your island?" Ares growled, leaning down to face Odysseus, his eyes burning red behind the helmet.
"Don't forget, sweetheart, you owe us for vouching for your release from Ogygia," Aphrodite purred, with an underlying hint of steel in her voice.
"Pretty pretty please!" Hermes simply made the best puppy eyes he could muster.
Odysseus sighed:
"Alright, I'll see what I can do, but I won't make any promises."
His senses told him it would be useless to argue with them. He didn't mention how the three gods could try and combine their efforts to convince Poseidon to call off the storm. He also didn't mention how he noticed his visitors eyeing a strawberry cake on a display with interest.
***
Odysseus came on the shore, placing a barrier so that mortals wouldn't hear or see something they shouldn't. Then he crouched and dipped his fingers in the water and wiggled them a little. A ripple went deeper into the sea. The message was delivered and received.
Soon after Poseidon emerged above the surface, absolutely displeased expression on his face.
"Let me guess, my chatterbox of a nephew sent you," he grumbled, skipping the pleasantries.
"Him, and also god of war and goddess of love," Odysseus nodded.
"Well, go tell them they should be thankful I didn't drown that pet nightingale of theirs," the Earthshaker scoffed.
"First of all, being your errand boy is not part of my domain," Odysseus rolled his eyes. "Second, what did the kid even do to you? From what I've heard, you seemed fine with his work before."
"Oh-ho-ho, I'll tell you what he did," apparently Poseidon was waiting for an opportunity to vent to someone. He whipped his phone out.
"The last song of the previous saga? It's about the battle between us!"
"Well, he certainly didn't learn about it from me," although this raised a question how did the mortal know about it.
"Apparently the muses were feeling extra mischievous that day," Poseidon was tapping intensively on the phone.
"But more importantly, look what the rhapsode turned this idea into!" he shoved the device into Odysseus' face.
The ithacan squinted at the screen. 3D models didn't bother him, he's seen weirder depictions. Hermes regularly bombarded their family chat with self-made memes made out of goofy looking screenshots and freeze frames taken from various versions of the Odyssey. The action on the other hand…
"Is… Is that windbag jetpack?"
"It's windbag jetpack!" Poseidon threw his arms up in an exasperated manner. "Out of all possible options he could've chosen! You understand now, don't you?! The level of absurdity!"
The older god probably expected him to join him in his righteous fury. Odysseus snorted instead.
"Don't tell me you're actually amused by mortals picturing you flying around like a deflated balloon," Poseidon narrowed his eyes.
"No, but I'm amused by mortals picturing you being defeated by a deflated balloon," Odysseus grinned.
Poseidon looked like a grumpy cat, his mouth resembling a shape of an upsidedown U.
"Sometimes I envy Hades, he won't ever have to deal with you," he said.
"Anyway, didn't you say that song was in previous saga? Why sabotage this one?" Odysseus asked.
The other god groaned:
"I was extremely busy that day, so I only recorded my lines, because fine, objectively speaking "the trident incident", as Zeus insists on calling it, did happen, and I absolutely killed those, I'll have you know, then I left. I only saw the animation and heard the full song after the saga was already released."
"I see," Odysseus tapped his fingers together and made a popping sound with his mouth. "So, any chance you're gonna stop this storm any time soon, or…?"
"Oh please, seriously? You don't even care about the musical," Poseidon got indignant.
"Maybe not, but I care about my peace, which I won't get while all of this," Odysseus made a circling motion around him with his finger, "is happening."
"And by the way," he added. "This is my island, so technically speaking, you are harassing my guests, and if Zeus, who is also here, would get to learn about this…"
"You little shit, maybe I should have drowned your island after all back then," Poseidon hissed at him.
"Don't even think about doing anything to Ithaca," Odysseus hissed back, his dorsal fin standing up.
They glared at each other for a couple of seconds. Finally Poseidon tsked.
"Fine, you can have your way, this mortal isn't worth it."
"So the storm would be over soon?" Odysseus clarified.
"Yeah yeah, sure, I've made my point anyway," Poseidon waved his hand dismissively.
"You don't actually want to hurt these mortals, correct?" Odysseus smirked a little.
"Well, unlike certain someone, they aren't arrogant pricks," the Earthshaker sneered. "Now, you can go tell my relatives to stop mopping or whatever they were doing when they sent you here. Adieu!"
With that the god disappeared below the water.
"Getting attached to mortal musicians, someone's really grown soft there with age," Odysseus chuckled.
Right after he said that, a hand appeared from the sea, showed him a middle finger, then it was gone in the waves.
***
"Wouldn't you like a taste of the power, wouldn't you like to use more than words-"
Suddenly Odysseus froze mid-chopping onions and stared at the wall in front, realizing what he was humming to himself just now. Then he sighed in resignation.
Those were bops indeed.