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“I think I really, really like you.”
It was the first thought that slipped into Souta’s mind as Nao left for the bus. He had been fighting his blooming crush for a while, but now was when he had finally given into his feelings. Of course, he had no intentions of telling Nao. Seeing as he’s a guy and all, oh, and was just barely his enemy less than two months ago. He wasn’t about to admit he fell for his enemy, to his enemy . As long as he tucked it into the secluded part of his brain, he had no reason to act on it.
As he got up from the ground, he looked on to the now empty road. Not too long ago, Nao was standing there and he had just barely convinced him to join the soccer camp the following week. Thinking back on it, Souta felt pretty lame about it. But it was too late, there was a chance Nao would come, because of him , he just might come. For a moment there, his heart started fluttering at the prospect, before he decided it was lame again.
He should really go home now.
*
That night, Souta couldn’t sleep. Between everything that had transpired, his bed smelling like Nao, and some other things he rather not explain, his head was spinning in ways he didn’t think were possible. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Nao. When he opened them again, he was alone once more. In the midst of his turmoil, he thought about washing his sheets. But then he remembered they wouldn’t smell like Nao anymore, so he decided against it.
Eventually, after a long, hard battle, he finally fell asleep.
When he opened his eyes again, he found himself in the middle of a busy street. Souta was gravely confused as to how he got here, seeing as he was just in his bed moments ago. He took a look around before his eyes followed to the sign above him.
Karaoke.
A karaoke place? Why would he be here? Was it because Saya had asked him the other week to come? That might be it. But that offer was long gone. Then he felt a strong chill come his way, which made him realize that wherever he was, it wasn’t summer. Souta quickly realized he was in some hyperrealistic dream. Was it possible to feel cold in dreams? If it was, he didn’t know until now. Before he could think any further about it, the doors suddenly opened, a figure roughly his height was standing.
Souta took a step closer to the figure before he realized it was himself. More confused than ever, he wondered why he was seeing himself walk out of a karaoke place. A beat passed before the Souta in front of him started crying. This started to freak him out, what was it about karaoke or what happened in there that was making him cry?!
Running up to himself, he grabbed onto his shoulders with a concerned look. The other Souta looked at him with tired, bloodshot eyes. He was scared, what was going on? Why was a dream version of himself so upset??
“O-Oh. Hey.” The dream Souta choked out. This was freaking him out more and more by the second.
“What happened?! Why are you upset?!” He didn’t want to waste time. Not before he was taken out of this dream.
“N-Nao turned me down.” Those four words made his heart sink. What does he mean Nao turned him down?! From what? The only thing he could think of at the moment was dating. But that was impossible! He never confessed to Nao!
“Huh? Why would he? I never told-”
“I’m a future version of yourself. Or well myself. I told Nao I liked him. On accident. He didn’t take it well. He rejected me.” The dream Souta, now apparently Future Souta, explained with a sad smile. Souta felt his heart sink as he took in his words.
He rejected me.
“B-But why…” Souta was confused, heartbroken, and angry all at the same time.
“We knew this whole time he was straight. This shouldn’t have been surprising, but it was.”
“Why…Why did he know…”
“It’s a lot to explain. I’m so sorry.” The Future Souta seemed remorseful. He didn’t like that.
“Is there any way I could…stop this from happening?” He was sure he was begging, anything to make sure Nao didn’t know of his feelings.
Future Souta only gave him another sad smile before saying, “I wish I could tell you.”
“Wait what do you-” Before he could get out his question, Future Souta disappeared from his arms and into the arms of another. A blond guy he’s never seen before. He watched the guy comfort himself. Souta only frowned, what a terrible and strange dream. As he felt himself slowly shift out of it, he briefly saw Nao run after them, only to stop dead in his tracks when he witnessed the scene in front of him.
So Nao doesn’t feel the same way. Was his last thought before he was taken out of his dream.
Shooting up from his bed, he was covered in sweat and tears were streaming down his face. He already knew dreams had profound impacts on lives, but this was going too far. And he didn’t like it at all. He didn’t like what his future self had said. Even if it was true, why would he ever tell Nao his feelings? What crazy sequence of events would lead to that? And how bad was that confession that Nao rejected him? Well, he always knew Nao was gonna reject him anyway. Straight or otherwise, there was something about their relationship that just…wouldn’t work.
Wiping away his tears, he glared into the void. He was going to stop this from happening. He isn’t going to confess to Nao. Not on purpose, not by accident. There was no way he was going to let it happen. However, the problem was he didn’t know what he needed to do in order to prevent it all from happening. Future Souta didn’t give any hints as to what could have led to disaster. And what’s even worse he didn’t know how far into the future he was from. So he could be on edge for weeks, months or even years , before he reached that point.
That scared him more than anything.
*
To say Souta was on edge would be an understatement.
He was petrified.
Ever since that dream he was scared of accidentally telling Nao. He felt every moment they had with each other he had to hold back even more. He didn’t want to, but he was so scared of slipping that it rendered him speechless. Fortunately, or rather, unfortunately , he was mad at Nao for getting all worked up over losing his starter position. So that gave them less time together and less chances he would slip.
That is, until Nao confronted him at the top of the mountain trail. It was a very dangerous situation, (quite literally, as he did end up slipping down the side and almost got knocked out). But luckily, no confession came out of him. That was what mattered the most. And they agreed to call each other by their given names which was leagues better than any confession.
By the time camp had come to an end, Souta had not messed up. For once, he could relax. Well, at least when he finally got home that was. Nao sleeping on him during the bus ride home was a layer of evil he didn’t know existed.
However, he was still on edge, when would this mysterious accidental confession come out? He still didn’t have any clues. When he slept, he tried to summon Future Souta, but each time ended with nothing. Eventually he gave up on trying to do so. Souta didn’t want to give up so easily, but what was he supposed to do? All he knew was that there was a horrible confession in his future, Nao would reject him and he would be broken. With no hints, no timeline, no possible warnings, there was nothing for Souta to look out for to avoid it.
Maybe Future Souta deliberately held back so he could see for himself? To avoid changing the future? But why tell him that Nao would reject him at all? Why tell him that he would confess? What was the point of all that if he wasn’t allowed to do anything? Maybe that was all just to tease him? Is that it? Give him this massive dump of anxiety and fuck right off? Was that it?? The more he thought about it, the more pissed off he became. How dare his own dreams do this to him? What did he do to deserve that? Was crushing on Nao that horrible?
Okay maybe it was, but that wasn’t the point. What mattered now was that the universe and his own mind seemed to have it out for him. Possibly more than Ponpon, and that little shit pukes on him every other day!
Shaking his head, Souta was determined to avoid this supposed catastrophe. He didn’t know how, but he will!
*
Okay.
Turns out this whole thing was a lot harder than he had anticipated.
Nao had been in an awful mood since school started up again and despite his best efforts, Souta hadn’t really found a solution-If there was one. He thought the belated birthday gift would do something, but whatever was bringing down Nao’s mood was stronger than any cheering up could fight against.
And boy did he try to fight against it. Unfortunately, it ended in disaster and he almost wanted to blame Takeo for stirring up trouble. But Takeo wasn’t the one who said Nao had no friends. Takeo wasn’t the one who tried to pry into Nao’s head to see what was going on. That was all on him. Now, they aren’t on speaking terms and Souta wasn’t sure when they will be again.
But at least he didn’t confess, right?
When he explained it later to Keisuke, who apparently knew of his crush this whole time, he swore he wouldn’t. Because whatever was going on with Nao was more important than some silly crush. After all, Nao needed a friend more than anything.
Which was pretty much what happened when he learned of his mom’s passing and all the issues surrounding it. It never occurred to Souta at the time, but the comfort and warmth he had brought to Nao had done so much more than he had realized. It was the little moments that made Nao’s world just a little bit brighter. But Souta would never credit himself for it. And between that, life obligations, Nao being away to properly grief his mother, he didn’t dwell on the fact he was actively avoiding a confession.
In fact, he never came to think that he was that important to Nao. So any sort of confession, accidental or otherwise, wasn’t on the table. Another thing he had let Keisuke know about when they briefly chatted about it. Well, the ‘being important to Nao’ thing. He didn’t let anyone know about his weird future dream. As much as Souta missed him, he was willing to let it slide. Along with it, unknowingly, he let his anxiety about accidentally confessing slip away.
And that was his first mistake.
*
The next close call came some weeks later. Souta didn’t know that, but there was a feeling in the back of his head that was trying to warn him.
He was at Nao’s house. They were watching a movie while finishing up the last of the garlands for the festival. That scene in the movie played while they sat there awkwardly. One thing led to another, a series of fumbles if you will, and Nao had asked if he wanted to kiss. Souta’s brain malfunctioned as he didn’t know how to react. Of course he said yes. At the same time, Nao said he was joking. Then Souta backtracked and mentioned he wanted to kiss Inoue. With another series of strange explanations as to why he wanted to. He didn’t believe it. Nao didn’t either.
It was then that Nao got up and left, leaving Souta feeling dumber than ever. He always knew Nao was straight. Being as he had a girlfriend and all. The kiss question was probably just a general ask, rather than specifically asking him to kiss. That was the only explanation for what had transpired.
Sighing, Souta was barely relieved. Sure it ended the way it did, but at least he didn’t out himself, he thought. Who really knew at this point anyway. That conversation was over and they didn’t have to talk about it again. And Souta was determined to make sure they never had to.
That is until the festival.
*
The next close call was too close for comfort. In fact, the alarms were blaring in his mind as it happened. It was the following day. After the festival was over, everyone was tired, enjoying food, talking with their friends and having a good time.
Except for Souta that was.
Having been forced into the clown role for their class’ circus cafe, he looked ridiculous and no one really took him seriously. As a clown should be treated. On top of that, he found himself busy helping other people with various issues with their own booths. By the time he was done, he hadn’t been able to enjoy the festival before Nao and the music club performed for the talent show.
Ah. The talent show. What a time that was. As in he almost blew it for the band had Nao not stepped in. Never before was he so grateful for that. So when Nao said he couldn’t have done it without him, his heart started racing at unpredictable speeds. But that wasn’t what set off the alarms in his head. Not even close
It was when Nao laughed at his messed up make-up that his mind went blank and he almost forgot what had happened. It was one hand on his cheek that locked them both in a trance. Their faces were being pulled together, just a little more and it would have solidified everything.
And then Nao pulled away.
Telling him that he needed make-up remover for the stubborn face paint. And before he knew it, Nao left the room and Souta was left in a confused daze.
I thought he was going to kiss me. Souta thought as he stared at the empty door frame.
For a brief moment, he thought that was the confession and rejection Future Souta had warned him about. But they weren’t at a karaoke and no one was sad, just confused. He remembered it only to realize it wasn’t it.
Once again, he figured that warning was bullshit.
And so he forgot again.
*
It was a streak of misfortune after the festival.
But at least he didn’t confess to Nao. When he finally remembered it one random afternoon.
It didn’t negate how absolutely awful he’s been feeling, but it was the only sense of security he’s had in his life over the past few weeks. Between feeling second place to Arashi in Nao’s life, giving away the tickets he had worked so hard for, and realizing he was never going to have a chance with him, Souta was all out of emotional energy. He just wanted all of this to be over.
This stupid amusement park was getting on his last nerves.
He doesn’t remember how many hours they had been here. What he does remember is running away from Nao for most of the day. Clumsily dodging questions and suspicions as much as he could. The only close call was at the gift shop. But even then, Souta was glad they were in public. Not that Souta would have admitted anything then anyways. Especially not when he tried to leave and Nao yelled at him to tell him what was wrong. For that moment, it seemed he had finally gotten Nao off his back.
But that was when he was so horribly wrong.
Before then, however, he had a brief escape with Inoue. He doesn’t know how or why, but he confessed he liked Nao to her . Luckily, she took it well and sympathized with him. Which made him feel a little bit better about the whole ordeal. But he affirmed to her that he had no intentions of ever confessing to Nao. Aside from the obvious, Souta knew it would make things complicated with their friendship. But he was certain he would get over Nao in due time. He just had to wait it out.
So that was when everything had gone downhill.
When they returned to the group, they headed off to the Ferris Wheel. Souta felt his heart sink, this was when Arashi wanted to confess to Nao and give away the tickets. After that, it would be all over. He would have lost the already losing battle. Not that he was ever fighting in it to begin with. Against his own will, well, if he had one, he broke up the argument between Arashi and Takeo to ensure she got to ride with Nao. And that was the end of it.
Well. Not really.
As they returned into the line, the ride operator called them up for the car, and before Souta would be able to process it, He felt Nao grab his wrist and throw him right into the car. To the shock of only him apparently, Nao glared at him, angrier than ever. Souta quietly considered if this was his last moment on Earth. Stuck in a car, fifty something meters into the air, with someone who was very close to ripping his head off.
So he tried to make it as non confrontational as he possibly could. The less Nao knew, the better his chances were. Even if he died, at least Nao didn’t know. And that was what he kept telling himself as he found it harder and harder to hold back.
It was when Nao accused him of liking both Arashi and Inoue that he snapped.
Bolting up, he retorted that he had it all wrong. That his assumptions couldn’t be further from the truth. So Nao, as he usually does, fought back. What did he get so wrong? What was it that he was missing? Souta didn’t realize it at the moment, but every bit of defense had crumbled. There was nothing left to protect the truth from Nao.
“IT’S YOU! DON’T YOU GET IT?! IT’S YOU I-”
Then everything came to a screeching halt. The once loud and tense atmosphere had dissipated. Nao didn’t say anything. And he kept his mouth shut. The ride continued on like nothing had happened.
Then it dawned on him, this was the moment Future Souta had warned him about. The horrible confession that would ruin everything. The look on Nao’s face said everything and nothing all at the same time. He never thought it would come to this.
Nao knew.
And he was paying the price for it.
*
It was in the following week that Souta’s anxiety had spiked.
He and Nao largely avoided each other in the meantime, every encounter had been incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. So minimizing said encounters was the only method Souta had while he worked out what to do. Needless to say, he didn’t know what to do. But he was sure he and Nao would be okay eventually.
Which is what he had told Keisuke later in the week. But he didn’t know if he believed it himself. Perhaps he was deluding himself into thinking things will be okay. Whatever the case was, that was the general sentiment.
Until Taka’s birthday party that weekend.
It was at the drink bar, he had excused himself to refill his cup and fetch Keisuke some tea. All was well, he was alone and nothing bothered him in the meantime. However his peace was short lived, because as he reached for a cup, Nao had appeared in front of him, empty cup in hand (wasn’t it full earlier?).
“I’m…also here to refill my cup.” Nao had explained as if it wasn’t the most obvious thing in the world. But Souta let him go ahead anyways, the only natural response to such a natural situation.
It was small talk that made things seem normal for a moment. They talked about the current party, possibly doing karaoke for Christmas as well, all until Nao mentioned the concert. Souta felt a heavy pit sink in his gut as he thought about Arashi and Nao being there, having the time of their lives. It was slowly dawning on him that he really was going to be left behind. He could already see being blown off for her, the unread messages, the missed calls, the dwindling conversations…Before he knew it, Nao would be phased out of his life. Nao would move on and he would be left in the dust.
Then it happened.
“Sorry.”
“Wha…What are you sorry for?” Souta was already gritting through his teeth. “Things being awkward between us or are you rejecting me?”
“I don’t know.” Oh Nao absolutely knew. He knew. “Maybe both.”
Souta already dreaded what Nao would say next. “Souta..You and me…I just can’t. I don’t want things to change between us. I’m sorry...”
There it was. There it fucking was. The thing he had been scared about for the past five months. The thing Future Souta had measly warned him about. The thing that had given him sleepless nights, the lingering anxiety, and the nightmares. Everything that he had feared about Nao finding out about his feelings happened.
He understood why Future Souta was so distraught. He himself was on the verge of collapsing on the ground after hearing that rejection. But he held it together, even just for a moment, just enough to tell Nao not to worry about it, that he’ll get over it in a jiffy . A choice of words that he knows deep down he isn’t going to live up to. Nao didn’t need to know that though. So it was okay, it was okay that his heart got ripped out of his chest and he wanted to cry. It was okay that the guy he’s in love with rejected him. This is okay. Fine even. Excellent! Perfect! Hahahaha….
God he needs to get out of here.
*
Despite the reassurance from Sato- Jun, Souta needed to get used to saying his given name. At least it felt nice saying it. Even if it's a bit awkward. He wasn’t sure how to proceed with all this. It still hurts, so, so much. Once he got home, he spent a good couple of minutes sobbing into his pillow. The rejection kept replaying itself in his head, as if to torture him. A constant reminder that Nao will never be his. That all his fears were confirmed in a few short sentences. That he was right all along.
That was what kept looping in his mind until he fell asleep.
When Souta opened his eyes again, he found himself in front of the karaoke place again. What cruel joke his mind was playing on him didn’t amuse him in the slightest. The street was busy as ever, the weather seemed warmer, like spring. He wondered if he time travelled again. Was he going to see his future self again? If he was, he had some real hard words to say to that guy. Just how dare he throw that in his face and do absolutely nothing to prepare him for it?! How dare he give him the worst hint in existence and let him suffer for months?! Just…who did he think he was?! Just because he was from the future didn’t mean he could mock him like that!
Souta rolled his eyes as he thought of seeing his future self again. He wondered if he could punch people in dreams. That’s what Future Souta needed. A big old punch in the face. Have it hurt so much that when he gets to his point in time, he feels the punch too. Fuck that guy and his cowardly ways.
It’s kind of weird to think about that of yourself, Souta thought after his mental rant was done.
Then the doors of the karaoke place opened, as if on command, he speed-walked over ready to chew his future self out-
Is…Is that Nao? And is he-...
Is he holding his future self’s hand? Are…Are they laughing?
Souta was deeply confused. Why were they so happy? Why were they holding hands? What happened in the next couple of months that led to this? There’s no way Nao changed his mind, there’s no way Nao was into him. He’s straight, isn't he?! What…
What was going on…
Determined to get answers, he ripped his future self away from Nao and glared at him. Before Future Souta could say anything, Souta dragged him away, far away from the karaoke place and Nao.
“Hey what gives?!” Future Souta snapped once they were alone.
“You KNOW EXACTLY WHAT GIVES!” Souta hissed. “You put me through hell for six months with your dumbass hints and vague leads! I was panicking for weeks because of you! Because of you, I couldn’t avoid confessing to Nao or getting rejected by him! Because of you, I may have lost my best friend! You fucking asshole!”
Future Souta only stared at him in shock. He could only scoff, as if his future self had any right to be shocked at all this. He knew what was going to happen and did nothing to save him from it. What an asshole.
It was another moment before his future self said anything.
“Okay. You got me,” He sighed defeatedly, “Yes, I was vague with my warnings, but there was good reason for it-”
“What reason could possibly be good enough to ruin my friendship with Nao?!”
“Will you let me explain?!”
“No! Fuck you! You ruined everything, you-” Before he could get out another word, Future Nao came up and pulled them apart. Souta struggled to reach his future self as it turns out Nao’s strength was present even in his dreams. Damn it.
Staring at him with a deadpan expression, Nao asked, “Now just what do you think you’re doing to my boyfriend?”
“He’s an asshole! I need to beat him up!” Souta flapped his arms uselessly as he failed to reach his future self, again. “He ruined everything!”
“He didn’t ruin everything, Souta.” Nao was surprisingly calm about this. He didn’t like it.
“How?! He could have warned me about what would happen!”
“Even if he were to tell you everything, there are things out of your control. It would have happened regardless, you know?” Why was Nao being reasonable here? He also didn’t like this.
“Can I still-”
“No, you can’t.” Nao’s words breathed relief into his future self. Souta still didn’t like that.
“Then what can I do?” He pouted.
“You can hear him out.”
“No.”
“Souta.”
“Nao.” He rolled his eyes.
“Listen to him. It could do you some good.” Souta was all out of energy at this point to care, even in his dreams he couldn't put up with this for long.
“Okay.”
They found a bench to sit at and explained everything to him. How the rejection wasn’t because Nao wasn’t into him or anything, how he didn’t tell him the details of what happened because it would have been a lot to handle. Yes, the anxiety wasn’t necessary, but there wasn’t much Future Souta could do to prevent what would happen. Giving too much could have altered the future for the worst, there was no guarantee that things would be better. Being vague was the only route he could reasonably take. But they both assured him that things would be okay. What he was seeing was the end result of all the heartbreak. He was going to be okay. They would be okay.
Souta was close to sobbing again by the end of the talk, both out of happiness that things would work out, but also out of the heartbreak he hasn’t endured yet. Mustering out a shaky ‘Thank you’, he watched his future self give a soft smile before fading away. However, Future Nao remained. Before he could wonder what else he had to say, he felt a faint warmth wrap around him. He hadn’t hugged Nao in so long, but it felt so real.
“It’ll be okay. Hang in there. Okay?” Nao whispered in his ear.
“Okay,” Souta mumbled.
When Nao pulled away, he felt a soft kiss on his forehead, and before he knew it, Nao was gone too.
That was the last thing he experienced when he woke up.
It was the same way he did six months ago. Tears streaming down his face, heart rate through the roof and the same sinking feeling. But he felt better. Not a hundred percent better, but better nonetheless. As long as he remembers their words, he’ll make it through. He saw what the future looked like, things will work out eventually. And that was enough to deal with what lay ahead.
Because after all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.