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Eddy couldn’t focus on the outdated comic book in his hands, choosing instead to throw it over the edge of the bed as he glared up at Ed’s popcorned ceiling. The comic flew over and hit Ed’s head with a ‘thwap’, causing him to look around in every direction as though he had no idea what had struck him or where it had come from. When he spotted Eddy looking like he’d eaten a raw chili pepper, he smiled wide before shuffling over to the edge of the bed on all fours, resting his head on his worn out comforter and waiting.
“Don’t it make you sick, Ed?” He didn’t need to wait long, it seemed.
“Lots of things make me sick, Eddy!” Ed replied, “But the ceiling isn’t one of them. The paint chips just make me gassy.”
Eddy looked at him in silence for a moment before shaking his head. “No, no, not the ceiling, Ed. Double Dee!” When Ed tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy, Eddy sat up to continue, “He keeps doing that- that thing more than usual. It’s driving me up a wall.”
“What thing?”
Eddy huffed, rubbing the back of his head. “Y’know, that thing he does. When someone says they like his dumb tie, or knows a lot about boring books, or whatever.”
Ed blinked slowly, then perked up noticeably. “Oh, oh! I know! He does this!” Ed clasped his hands together and brought them up to his cheek, sighing dreamily as he stared off into the distance.
Eddy nodded furiously. “Yeah, that! Exactly! He’s been doing that all the time! Not just with Nazz or stupid Sarah, either. He went all goo-goo eyes at the guy at the sandwich shop last week for offering to substitute his dumb sandwich sauce with ‘vegan mayo’,” Eddy said, putting on a voice and doing air quotes. “I mean, what the hell is vegan mayo supposed to be?”
“My dad calls them The Lumineers, Eddy.”
“Not to mention May Kanker accidentally chased off a dog for him yesterday. Ugh, and he’s tutoring Kev today, after he was all-” Eddy threaded his fingers together and put on yet another voice that was supposed to resemble Edd’s, batting his eyes and smiling- “‘Oh, Kevin lent me his jacket, I told him I’d be alright but he said he was overheated from all the exercise he does and he insisted-”
Eddy cut himself off by making a gagging noise. Ed’s bottom lip quivered as he spontaneously teared up, lunging forward and wrapping his arms around Eddy’s midsection. “What do we do, Eddy? Double Dee won’t wear my jacket! He says it’s crusty!”
Eddy patted Ed’s head absent-mindedly. “Yeah, well, that’s what’s so dumb about it. He’s got us! Why’s he being all weird and making gushy faces when he’s got the two best pals a guy could ask for!”
“I wish Double Dee would look at me like that,” Ed sighed.
Eddy’s fingers paused their touches to Ed’s greasy hair as he was struck with an idea. “Ed, that’s it!” he shouted, pulling Ed’s face away from his stomach to grin wildly at him.
Ed smiled back excitedly. “What’s it, Eddy?”
“You, ya big lug! You’re it!”
“Oh, are we playing tag now?”
Eddy jumped out of the bed and dived into Ed’s closet, rummaging through untouched clothes hangers and avoiding bumping into the ominous stains on the wall. “No way, Ed, even better. We’re gonna show Sockhead what he’s already got. You woo him a bit, and we both get a much needed break from hearing about which stupid cashier touched his dumb hand at the checkout counter.”
Ed watched as a pile of shirts slowly grew on his floor as Eddy tossed his clothes around. He furrowed his eyebrow in thought. “But Eddy-”
“Bingo!” Eddy shouted, stepping over the pile on the floor with a clip-on bow tie in his hand. “What’s there to worry about, Ed? Like I said, we’re just showing Double Dee what he’s already got. Nothing wrong with treating your pal extra nice, right?”
Ed allowed Eddy to clip the bowtie to his t-shirt, kicking his legs a bit as Eddy parted and smoothed Ed’s hair, licking his hand and using his spit to keep it from sticking up in the back. “See, you’re looking the part already!”
Ed flung his arms open wide, a couple of candy wrappers falling out of a hole in his pocket as he did. “I am Ed! Love me!”
Eddy snickered. “You’re not ready yet, Ed, we still gotta- oof!” Eddy’s breath was squeezed out of him as he was wrapped up in one of Ed’s bear hugs. “Ed!” he wheezed, “Let go! We still gotta practice your lines!” Ed laughed and squeezed harder until Eddy bit his nose, making Ed drop him to the floor. “Geez, save it for Double Dee, loverboy.”
Edd panted as he raced towards Ed’s bedroom window, lifting it open and carefully sliding his legs down behind him as he held onto the frame. “My apologies for being tardy, gentlemen! I was dropping off my-” Edd cut himself off with a yelp when he felt a sudden pressure under his arms lifting him away from the wall and into the air.
“Oh please, allow me!” Ed said cheerfully, swinging him around and carrying him towards the middle of his bedroom. Ed’s oversized recliner had been shoved into the corner, replaced by a small, plastic table and two mis-matched chairs. Ed plopped Edd into one of them before pulling the table close to Edd- so close, in fact, that it rammed into his stomach and just about knocked the air right out of him.
Ed ran around the table and sat in his own chair, smiling widely. Edd scooted himself away just a bit in order to breathe. “Why, um, thank you, Ed. But why is there a table in your bedroom? And why is it so dimly lit in here?” As it was, most of the light was coming from the evening glow outside of Ed’s window and a light that had been left on in the stairwell behind Ed’s cracked door.
Ed blinked slowly. “Oh! Right! I need to get the candles,” he explained, bolting out of his seat once again.
“Candles, Ed?” Edd asked, watching him dart about the bedroom. Ed kept slipping on loose items and bumping into things in the darkness. “Couldn’t you just turn on the light?”
Ed pulled out an entire drawer of his dresser and dumped it on the ground. “No can do, Double Dee, Eddy says that- Oh! Eddy!” Ed dropped the empty wooden drawer on the ground and tripped in his hurry towards the doorway. “Eddy!” he yelled, head disappearing from Edd’s line of sight. Edd heard a distinct, “I’m only standin’ three feet away from ya, Ed!” that caused him to suppress a laugh into the palm of his hand.
A few moments later, Ed trotted back in with an armful of tiny, battery-operated candles that he dropped unceremoniously on the table. They really didn’t help much with the poor lighting quality outside of their immediate radius, but Edd’s eyes were beginning to adjust enough to see details much more clearly. “Ed, what on Earth are you wearing?”
Ed did an unbalanced spin-around as he stretched out his shirt, his crooked bowtie skewing even further. The pattern on the polo shirt looked to be some sort of bold floral design. “Do you like it, Double Dee? I got it from Eddy who got it from Eddy’s dad who got it from, um, somewhere. It’s kind of itchy.”
Edd laughed into his palm again as he went about placing the small candles upright and into rows off to the side of the table. “Yes, it makes quite a statement, Ed. You look very spiffy!” Ed smiled so hard that his cheeks went red.
Ed stood still for a few moments before mumbling, “Oh, yeah,” and sitting down across from Edd. He sat facing the table, but the back of the chair was to his right arm instead of behind his back. Edd was about to point this out when Ed shouted, “Double Dee!”
“I’m right in front of you, Ed,” Edd replied, “You don’t need to shout.”
“Did you fall from heaven?” Ed asked.
Edd frowned in confusion. “What?”
“Did you fall from heaven?” Ed asked again, “Because you- um, wait, what was it…” After a minute of waiting, Edd opened his mouth to speak, but Ed interrupted him. “No, wait, I’ve got it! Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re, um, because you wear pants.”
Edd’s confusion deepened. “Because I wear pants?” He wasn’t even wearing pants today, just shorts.
Ed nodded. “Yes! And my pants would look better on your floor.”
“I’m not sure what you’re trying to say, Ed, but please keep your pants on.”
Ed’s arms flopped exaggeratedly across the table as he sighed. “Sorry Double Dee, it’s hard to remember my lines.”
“Lines?” Edd asked, “What lines?”
Ed didn’t get a single syllable out before Eddy appeared at the table, one hand covering Ed’s mouth as he nervously laughed. “Ha, he’s just pulling your leg, Sockhead. Can I get you fine gentlemen a beverage?”
Edd grimaced as he saw Ed’s tongue poke out between Eddy’s fingers, causing Eddy to rip his hand away with a ‘yuck!’ “Can I have strawberry lemonade?” Ed asked.
Eddy shrugged as he wiped his hand on the front of his shirt. “Ya got tap water, milk, and orange juice, Lumpy. Pick your poison.”
“Poison?!” Ed exclaimed, sitting ramrod straight and causing Edd to rub the bridge of his nose.
Eddy groaned. “No, not- You know what? I’ll pick. You two just move onto the next step,” he said, sending a weird look in Ed’s direction and nudging his shoulder.
“What does he mean by next step?” Edd asked as Eddy left the room, leaving the door cracked behind him as he headed up the stairs. “You two are acting very strangely this evening.”
Ed waved him off- a gesture that Edd didn’t see from him often. “Do not worry your pretty hat about it. How was your day?”
Edd was admittedly thrown off a little by the sudden question, but answered anyway. “Oh, my day was fine.” Ed nodded, which encouraged him to continue, “It started normal enough, at least, until Nazz requested the use of my pencil to erase a mistake on her paper as her eraser had worn down. I was only too happy to comply, but then she went and kept it. I don’t mind giving out spare pencils- I keep a whole case of them for that reason- but this was my nice pencil that I use specifically for that class, and I just feel that she should’ve expressed her intent to keep my pencil before she asked to ‘borrow’ it.”
Ed vigorously nodded some more. “Is that so!”
“And then,” Edd continued, “I had a disagreement with my professor for my college-prep literature course. It’s not that I disagree with her opinion, per se, but I do think that she is viewing our current coursework with too narrow a lens in regards to the author’s perception of social norms during the period in which the work was produced. It also aggravated me that she had the nerve to tell one of the students that his opinion on this particular piece of fiction was wrong, because it was an opinion, Ed! Opinions are neither wrong nor right, they just are!”
“Could not have said it better myself!”
“Well, you may have been able to,” Edd sighed. “I’m ashamed to say that I once again started a debate in class that set us back half a lesson in the syllabus. I feel it’s my responsibility to offer extra tutoring lessons should anyone be impacted by my lack of forethought, but I was really hoping to use my extra time to learn more about botany. Did you know that there are plants that eat plastic?”
“Do tell!”
“Please don’t,” Eddy interrupted, setting two plastic cups full of milk in front of them. Edd hadn’t even noticed him enter the room. “This is a snooze-fest. Ed, you’re doing it wrong!”
“Doing what wrong?” Edd asked, exasperated and feeling like a broken record.
Neither Ed nor Eddy acknowledged him. “Aw, but Eddy! I’m doing everything you said!” Ed cried.
“Obviously you’re not!” Eddy retorted, gesturing between Ed and Edd as though it meant something. “There’s supposed to be sparklers by now!”
Edd moved his cup away from Ed’s in case the other made to grab for it. The lovable guy was prone to knocking things over, after all. “Sparklers? What’s this about sparklers?”
Ed crossed his arms over his torso and dramatically pouted his bottom lip. “Then you do it!”
“Fine!” Eddy exclaimed, tilting Ed’s seat and causing him to tumble onto the floor. He proceeded to sit in the now empty chair backwards. “Check it, this’ll be a piece of cake. I was made for this!”
Edd squinted his eyes to make sure Ed was alright and that his feelings weren’t actually hurt. As expected, Ed laughed to himself before jumping back to his feet, his silly grin plastered in its usual spot. “Now I’m the waiter! I can play a pretty song on my kazoo for you.”
Eddy scowled. “No way, that’d just kill the mood. Just go get us some food, Monobrow, you’re messing with my-” Eddy popped his collar- “man mojo.”
Edd resisted the urge to mock Eddy’s word choice, but just barely, and only because he was completely lost as to the context. Ed laughed openly again (whether it was at Eddy or not was unknown) before making his way out of the room, slipping only briefly on something he’d pulled out of a drawer earlier.
“So, Double Dee, ya come here often?” Eddy asked, one eyebrow raised.
“Eddy, you are well aware that I am here at Ed’s house several days a week,” Edd replied, contemplating whether or not he should take a sip of his milk. It was probably within its expiry date, but the fact that it was too dim to see clearly and that he was in Ed’s room of all places gave him pause.
Eddy scoffed. “Yeah, I know, just checkin’.”
It was Edd’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “Checking…? Checking what?”
Eddy shrugged. “I dunno, that Jonny didn’t infect you with his short-term memory problems? Guy’s got insects in his brain, I swear.”
Edd rolled his eyes. “Oh, please, there are no insects in Jonny’s brain. It would hardly be a hospitable environment.”
“Ya know what, you’re right,” Eddy replied, smirking, “Nothing could live in there, it’s too small!”
“Eddy!” Edd exclaimed, trying to admonish him but failing spectacularly due to his own poorly concealed giggles. “Don’t be rude, especially when Jonny isn’t here to defend himself.”
Eddy raised his hands up in mock surrender, shaking his head. “It’s not me, Double Dee, honest. Here, listen.” He pretended to scoop something off of the table with his pointer finger and brought it up close to his ear. “It’s one of the bugs, Dee. Has some complaints about the plumbing.”
Edd laughed harder into his hand as Eddy continued on with his bit, faux concern lacing his voice. “What’s that? Leaky pipes? Strange noises? Could the noises be from your neighbors, Mister Bug?” Eddy carefully removed his finger away from his ear. “Sorry, Dee, but he just confirmed that there’s not enough room in there for neighbors. He says he can’t even fit a bed in the place.”
The two laughed together, Eddy finally cracking at his own jokes. Edd wiped a tear from his eye and smiled his unfiltered gap-toothed grin at him, causing Eddy’s heart to skip a beat. “Wow, Eddy, I’m impressed,” Edd said teasingly, “You’ve quite the untapped imagination. Have you been taking pointers from the subject of your proverbial “ribbing”?”
Eddy’s cheeks kept their red tinge- from the laughing, definitely- as he inwardly choked on the sudden nervousness he felt. “Haha, yeah, well, you know… Kinda made most of that bit up with Ed earlier…” He scratched the back of his head and found his line of sight directed towards the plastic tablecloth. He couldn’t think of anything to say anymore.
“Are you feeling alright?” Edd asked after a moment of silence, “You seem to be acting a bit… withdrawn?”
Eddy snapped to attention. “What? Me? No! I was just… Just thinking.”
“Oh? Trying to impress me, then?” Edd replied cheekily. Eddy’s ears heated up at the implication. When he didn’t respond, Edd frowned and leaned forward. “I was just kidding, Eddy. I thought- with how you were just teasing before-”
Edd stretched his hand out to touch Eddy’s in a gesture of goodwill, but Eddy snatched his hand away. “What? No! I know! I’m not dumb, Sockhead.”
“Of course, Eddy, I know that,” Edd said, concerned. “I hope I didn’t upset you. You’re very clever and innovative, and I admire how driven you are when you put your mind to something.” Eddy’s face brightened more with every word. “Are you sure you’re alright?”
Eddy didn’t know what to do. This was wrong- he was supposed to be the one making Edd all flustered or whatever. Instead he couldn’t keep two thoughts together because Edd’s eyes were staring at him and he just told him such nice stuff and he wished he’d have let him hold his hand-
“Food!” Ed shouted, slamming a lone plate of Hot Pockets in between Edd and Eddy. Edd retracted his hand, which Ed noticed. “Oh! Are sparklers happening yet, Eddy?”
Eddy, overcome with gross feelings and emotions in his chest and stomach, could only articulate a displeased sort of growl as opposed to the irritated retorts he’d normally mask with. Edd shook his head. “Whatever you’re talking about, nothing’s happened, Ed.”
“Oh, okay.” When Eddy didn’t move, Ed crouched onto his knees on the floor beside the table. “Since Eddy isn’t doing it, can I feed you, Double Dee?” he asked, picking up a Hot Pocket from the tray and holding it out to Edd.
Edd scrunched his nose. “You just touched the floor, Ed. So no thank you.”
Ed unceremoniously dropped the Hot Pocket back onto the plate as he announced, “Okay! Next step then!” He wiped any crumbs he had on his palms on the carpet beneath him before swiftly taking Edd’s hand in both of his own, raising it to his lips, and giving it a quick kiss.
The hand that Ed wasn’t holding reflexively flew up to grip Edd’s beanie in surprise. “Wh- Ed? Why did you just-” Ed didn’t move at all, even to let his hand go- “I- that’s so unsanitary!”
“Eddward!” Ed proclaimed, his words sounding like he was reading off of a teleprompter, “I have had a very good time on this outing. Might we partake in a sensual kiss?”
Edd floundered for a few seconds, feeling like a fish out of water and being just as articulate. A Hot Pocket made fast, aggressive contact with Ed’s face, courtesy of Eddy. “That’s not the next step, Lumpy!”
“It’s not?” Ed asked, picking up the offending Hot Pocket off of the floor before absent-mindedly taking a bite.
“No! You’re supposed to ask that after walking him home!”
Ed tilted his head in confusion, shoving the remainder of the Hot Pocket into his mouth. “But if he’s already home, how would he stay the night?”
“Double Dee’s not a slut, Ed!”
“Gentlemen, please!” Edd demanded, standing up and crossing his arms defiantly, “I believe I am owed an explanation right about now! What in Sam Hill is going on with you two?”
Ed shuffled over to Edd, still on his knees, and grasped the hem of his sweater. “Don’t be mad, Double Dee! You’re supposed to be in love!”
“What are you talking about?” Edd asked, flabbergasted and looking for a lifeline. “Eddy, please explain!”
Eddy avoided eye contact, shoving his hands into his pants pockets as he shrugged. “We were just trying to get you to crush on one of us. Mostly Ed.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you’re always making faces, Double Dee!” Ed exclaimed, beginning to sound genuinely distressed. He sniffled loudly and wiped his nose on his arm.
“Because you’re always walking around with hearts in your eyes for random losers!” Eddy elaborated, also sounding upset. Although, in typical Eddy fashion, he expressed concern with anger as opposed to Ed’s tears. “Losers you shouldn’t think about because they can't even hold a candle to us!” Eddy picked up and tossed one of the fake candles from the table for emphasis.
Ed wrapped his arms around Edd’s waist and buried his face into his side. “I can’t see my heart with my own eyes, but I do know it thinks about you all the time,” he admitted, voice muffled.
Edd felt like he’d had whiplash four times over. He tried to piece together everything that’d been said, but he was too confused to even begin to make sense of anything. “But- what? You were trying to mess with my feelings?”
Eddy cowed slightly. “It was s’posed to be harmless. You get like ten crushes a week!”
Edd was too confused to know if he should be mad or not. Probably, but he’d decide later. “But… wouldn’t that be awkward for you two? If I had those sort of feelings for one of you?”
“Why would it be awkward?” Eddy asked, “What, ‘cuz we’re friends?”
“No, because you and Ed are dating, Eddy, and most likely don’t want someone interfering with-”
Ed’s head snapped around so quickly that Edd almost worried that he’d hurt himself. “We’re dating, Eddy?” he asked excitedly, arms still around Edd in an iron grip.
It was Eddy’s turn to look lost. “What the hell are you talking about? Lumpy and I ain’t a couple!”
“What? But-” Edd glanced down at Ed, who was looking back at him with an expression devoid of deception. “But you two are, the whole cul-de-sac- the whole school knows it. You two are constantly displaying your romantic relationship!”
“Yeah, right!” Eddy countered, almost patronizingly, “Give me one example, Mister Perceptive.”
Edd huffed indignantly. “Oh, I can give you more than one, Eddy. First of all, how about the fact that you and Ed keep kissing? French style?”
Ed was no longer crying, but his arms were still wrapped tightly around Edd. “You mean while wearing funny hats?”
“We don’t make out or nothin’, Sockhead! Ed just keeps stealing my gum mid-chew!”
“It tastes better after it’s been used, Double Dee,” Ed explained, “Like how birds do!”
Edd grimaced. “That’s disgusting…”
Eddy shrugged. “Ya get used to it. Plus, it’s easier than finding somewhere to stick it when you’re done.”
“Then what about the hand-holding?” Edd asked, less indignant now and simply just perplexed.
Ed smiled up at him. “Eddy has cold hands! And mine are always too hot!”
“That’s… That’s actually very sweet,” Edd mumbled, his own hands fidgeting together. Ed noticed, and reached up and gently grabbed them. They really were warm. And pleasant. And covered in germs, but Edd didn’t mind too much at the moment, not with Ed’s tears and snot already on his sweater, and certainly not with his thoughtful eyes gazing up at him.
Eddy took a step closer to the both of them, standing next to where Ed was kneeling, once again avoiding eye contact as his cheeks burned. “Yeah, well, whatever. It is what it is, I guess.”
“Then what about the ‘I love you’s?” Edd asked. “You two are always-”
“Because I love Eddy!” Ed shouted happily. “He’s my little maraca of anger!”
Eddy shoved at Ed’s head, aggressively ruffling his hair and making Ed laugh. “I’m not little! Take that back!” Ed’s head wildly moved in all directions with Eddy’s rough treatment, but Ed only laughed harder. “‘Sides, it’s not my fault Ed says it all the time,” Eddy continued once his hands returned to his pockets, “And if I don’t say it back he gets all mopey.”
“We love you too, Double Dee!” Ed said, squeezing Edd a little harder, “But you don’t like gum or touching.”
“Oh, Ed, I-” Edd started, “I- really don’t mind so much when it’s you two. But you’re right that sharing gum isn’t something I would normally appreciate.”
Eddy huffed. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can we all just kiss and make up now? I’m starving.”
“But Eddy, Double Dee isn’t in love with us!” Ed said, his voice filling with emotion once more.
Eddy’s shoulders rose as he seemed to hunch in on himself. “I know, Ed. But it is what it is, just let him date someone obsessed with ironed khakis or whatever. If we’re not good enough then-”
“You bite your tongue, mister!” Edd interrupted, scowling. “How dare you insinuate I would think poorly of you and Ed. I’ll have you know I feel just as strongly about the two of you as you do for me, and for each other for that matter!”
Eddy scoffed. “I doubt it. We have eyes, Double Dee! You’ve been all distant and making goo-goo faces at everyone! You don’t look at us like-”
“Of course I don’t!” Edd interrupted again, “I’ve only been more open to infatuation due to the idea that you two were involved in a romantic relationship without me. Why on Earth would I look at anyone the same way I look at the two people I love the most in this world? It’s not as if-” He cut himself off with a startled yelp as Ed stood up, his arms still wrapped around him as he lifted Edd into the air.
“You mean it, Double Dee?” Ed asked happily as he dropped him down a little, squishing Edd’s entire body against himself. “You love us?”
Edd tried to gather his bearings as Ed crushed him, his cheeks heating from the aftermath of his outburst. “Oh, Ed, of course I do. You and Eddy both.”
Ed used one of his arms to scoop Eddy into their hug, all three squished together with red, overheated faces and sweaty palms. Eddy might’ve protested if not for the giant lump in his throat. “Then if I love you, and you love me, and I love Eddy, and you love Eddy, and Eddy loves me, and Eddy loves Double Dee-”
“Hurry up with it, Ed,” Eddy muttered.
“-then we are three and three we shall be!” Ed finished, squeezing them both harder.
Edd laughed, though it came out wheezy due to the pressure against his chest. “So if I’m interpreting this correctly, you two aren’t dating, but would prefer if the three of us stayed single and also not-dated each other?”
Eddy huffed and flung his arms around Ed and Edd, begrudgingly returning the hug. “What you’re interpreting, Mister Smartass, is that the three of us are a team, got it? And we should stay a team.”
Edd reveled in the knowledge that, for the foreseeable future, he would not be left behind by his friends, and that whatever this was, what the three of them had, he wasn’t the only one who was thankful for it.
Ed grinned widely. “Can we kiss and make up now?” he asked, then pursed his lips and made ‘mwah-mwah’ sounds.
“Ed, you just ate food off of the floor!” Edd cried, straining his neck to keep his face away.
In the end, all three kissed and made up. Just not in that order.