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Wylan thought things would change after he moved in with his momma. He thought he would stop feeling like…this.
Maybe it was naive of him, stupid, even. He felt guilty for not feeling better, his momma tried so hard for him. She had her days where she wasn’t completely there, but she tried to be more present for him.
They hadn’t pressed charges against his father, they hadn’t tried to. Even though his father tried to kill him, had paid people to kill him, they didn’t try.
Jan Van Eck was terrifying, Wylan and Marya both knew that. They knew he could ruin them. He knew he could ruin them.
Wylan was thankful to be alive, of course, thankful to be reunited with his mother. Still, he didn’t feel better.
He wasn’t afraid to walk in his home anymore, that’s what he told his momma. He couldn’t stand to see the look on her face if she knew he was unsafe.
His momma’s house was definitely better than his father’s, but it was also new. It was unknown, and he didn’t know how to act here. This world-this life, it was all so strange to him, so alien.
Wylan questioned his every move, he constantly felt like he was doing something wrong. He was always on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
He thought that the anxiety and depression, the urge to hurt, the urge to die, would fade. They didn’t.
He struggled to rise from his bed in the morning. He started setting his alarms early just so he had time to lie in bed before forcing himself up.
Wylan could hide things from his mother, not easily, but he could. He could hide his hurt and pain and longing for a world without hate. He could pretend he was somewhere else, but the fact was he was stuck.
He hurt himself, and sometimes it helped. It was stress relief, a coping mechanism. But it stopped working, it stopped being enough. He needed more. He couldn't get more.
Wylan couldn’t keep pretending…he just needed everything to stop. That’s how he got where he was now, sitting on top of a parking garage with a mixture of pills in his pocket.
He didn’t have a note, he couldn’t force himself to fumble through that. Instead, he had a melody named Marya. His momma would know what it meant.
He also had his ID and his mother’s phone number in his pocket, he didn’t want her to wait too long. Didn’t want her to wonder and worry for too long.
He wasn’t crying, not now, but he still felt sticking raw from his earlier sobs. He was mostly numb now, tired and outright done.
Wylan hadn’t brought his phone, his momma could track his location that way. At his side was a bottle of liquor he’d stolen from his momma. He might as well go off on a high, he thought.
The pills he had were truly a mess, only a few were from the same bottle, gathered over a few months of planning. Wylan was ready now, really ready.
He looked out, the view wasn’t pretty exactly, but it was nice enough. Wylan took a swig of the liquor, scrunching his nose at the strong taste.
He took another sip, “Ghezen, that’s horrible.” he muttered before taking another mouthful.
Wylan sighed, tapping the pills into his hand. It was now or never, but he still felt nervous. He took one last steadying breath before raising his hand to his mouth.
He had just brought the liquor up to his mouth, he was about to swallow the pills. Then, unexpectedly, a hand pounded on his back. He choked spitting out the majority of the pills.
He coughed, sputtering around the bitter, half-dissolved medicines. He hunched over, shuddering as painful tears left his eyes.
A hand rubbed his back comfortingly, “Sorry, kid.” the person mumbled. Wylan coughed once more, grimacing at the bitter and acidic taste in his mouth.
Wylan sat back up, looking at his damned savior. The first thing he noticed was how pretty the man-or rather, boy-was. He had brown skin, with lovely grey eyes and dark, coiled hair.
He blinked his teary eyes, trying to take in the myriad of colors the other boy was wearing.
The man smiled crookedly, “Got it all out?” he asked. Wylan scowled, “What is wrong with you?” he asked back.
The other boy winced, “Okay, Sweetheart, you can be mad at me.” he said, “As long as you're alive and breathing.” he continued.
Wylan looked at the ground, his liquor bottle was broken, and the pills were scattered on the ground. He wouldn’t be able to use them again. He could use the broken glass to slit his wrists, but it would be painful. There was also the problem of the man above him.
He wiped his face with his sleeve, sniffing. He shrugged the man's grip off, keeping his gaze down. “Is…is there anyone I can call?” the one boy asked.
Wylan shook his head, “No, you can leave now.” he was a bit startled by how rough his voice was. He heard a huff, “No chance, Doll.”
Wylan bit his lip, “There’s nothing else I can do tonight, you can leave with a clean conscience.” he told the other boy.
The mystery boy scratched his head, “Yeah, no, I’m not doing that.” he said, “Listen, Darling, I’m supposed to be meeting up with friends in a bit-” thank Ghezen, “-And you’re my plus one.” he finished.
Wylan gawked at him, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked again. The pretty boy grinned, “A lot, Doll, a lot.” he said. He stood offering a hand to him, “C’mon.”
The shorter boy grew his lips into a thin line, “I don’t even know your name.” he said. The other’s grin only grew wider, “Jesper, Jesper Fahey.” he introduced.
Wylan sighed and shook his head, “Wylan.” he said back, taking the offered hand. Jesper hauled him to his feet, “Nice to meet you, Wylan.” he chirped.
_______________
Jesper’s truck was old and lacked air conditioning. It was extremely messy. Jesper played his music loud and unapologetically, scream-singing along with it.
Wylan didn’t have a car, or a licence for that matter. His momma had suggested it once, but he didn’t have the motivation to study.
He, somehow, fell asleep on the ride to wherever they were headed. Even with the mess around him, even with Jesper’s too loud music, he slept.
He was woken up by Jesper nudging his shoulder gently. He stretched, “Where are we?” he asked. “A cafe that’s open all night.” Jesper answered.
Wylan raised his eyebrows, he wasn’t expecting that. Jesper didn’t seem like the type to spend his time at twenty-four hour cafes. He couldn’t complain, though, a cafe sounded nice.
Jesper, in a chivalrous action, opened Wylan’s door for him. He hopped out of the truck with a quick ‘thank you’ to Jesper. The taller boy led him inside and to a table composed of three other people.
Two girls, one had tan skin and dark, straight hair, the other was paler with brunette curls. The one man that was poised awkwardly on his chair due to how it little it was compared to him.
The brown haired girl stood up to greet Jesper, “Jes, you’re here before Kaz!” she crowed. Jesper hugged her, “Oh, I’m never letting him live this down.” he grinned.
He pulled back, grabbing Wylan’s hand, “Guys, this is Wylan, he’s tagging along for tonight.” he introduced.
“Wylan, this is Nina,” the brunette, “Inej,” the small girl, “And Matthias.” the muscular man.
Nina grinned at him, “It’s nice to meet you, it isn’t often Jesper brings someone as pretty as you around.” she told him. Wylan flushed, “Oh, thank you.” he said shyly.
Nina’s grin grew, “Cute and polite.” she said, dragging him to the table. Jesper sat next to him, “So where is our dear Kaz?” he pointed his question to Inej.
“Got held up with Per.” she answered, “He should be on his way now, though.” she tacked on. She then turned to Wylan, “It’s nice to meet you.” she murmured.
Wylan nodded at her, a bit too overwhelmed for words. Jesper grabbed a menu from the table, sliding it in front of him and Wylan.
He leaned closer, “You should get the hot chocolate latte.” he suggested. Wylan nodded, “Yeah, that sounds good.” he agreed, grateful for the out.
“We’re not ordering until Kaz gets here.” Inej said. Jesper groaned, “Why?” he whined. Nina pressed against Jesper’s side, “So he can pay.” she told him.
Jesper grinned, “Ahh, right.” he said, “Kaz is loaded.” he informed Wylan. “Kaz isn’t going to pay for anyone else.” a voice said behind them.
Everyone except Inej jumped, turning to see an intimidating, pale man. “Demjin.” Matthias murmured.
The man that he assumed was Kaz scowled, “Who is he?” he asked, tilting his head towards Wylan. Jesper smiled, “This is my new best friend, Wylan.” he answered cheerily.
Kaz narrowed his eyes, Wylan felt like he was being dissected. Inej leaned forward, “Sit down, Kaz.” she said. Kaz gave Wylan one last glare before sitting down.
Nina clapped her hands suddenly, “Alright, I’ll go order for everyone.” she announced. Kaz shifted in his seat, “As long as I’m not paying.” he muttered. Nina winked at him as she skipped past.
Kaz sighed, “She stole my card, didn’t she?” he asked Inej, “Last week, she’s been looking for an excuse to use it.” she responded. Jesper laughed, “You got got Kaz!”
Wylan’s lips turned upward minutely, but his small smile fell at Kaz’s expression.
It didn’t take long for Nina to return with their drinks balanced precariously in her arms. She slid the drinks to each of them.
Wylan thanked her and took a small. sip of his latte, it was sweeter than what he would usually get, but it wasn’t too sugary. He struggled not to let gawk at Jesper’s drink. The whipped cream was almost the same size as the cup.
He wrapped his hands around the cold drink, observing the chattering group. He wasn’t sure how to feel in this situation.
He didn’t think anyone knew how to act in the case of a botched suicide turned casual hang out. He felt…exhuasted, scared, sad, hysteric. In all honesty, all he wanted was to go outside and scream.
He instead opted to go to the bathroom and scrub his face.
It was just his luck that he attracted poor company. Wylan looked up from the sink and saw Kaz lurking behind him.
He jumped, “Ghezen, you scared me.” he said quietly. Kaz strode forward, cane clacking on the floor, “You’ve been quiet this evening.” he noted.
Wylan ducked his head, “Sorry.” he mumbled. Kaz gave a sigh, “I can’t help from wondering why Jesper brought Wylan Van Eck with him.” he murmured.
His entire body went tense, "I especially can’t help from wondering why he asked me to come watch you.” Kaz continued. Wylan hunched in on himself “I only met Jesper earlier tonight, I can’t say why he does anything.” he said quietly.
Kaz glared, “If you’ve only met him tonight, why did you bring you with him?” he asked. “Does he know who you are? Who your father is?” he questioned further.
Wylan swallowed, “No, he doesn’t, and I don’t intend on seeing him again after this night.” he said, “He seems to think he’s some savior, I didn’t ask to be here, and if you plan to threaten me, then you’re wasting your time.” he said.
Kaz observed him, “You’re quite interesting, Van Eck.” he said, seemingly surprised. Wylan stared at him, “That’s what they call me, interesting Wylan.” he deadpanned.
The other man huffed, “Let’s go, before your ‘savior’ barges in here.” he said. He turned on his heel dramatically, swiftly leaving the bathroom.
“What if I needed a piss?” he muttered after Kaz, following him after a few beats.
_______________
Jesper’s group moved from the cafe to a small park that they probably weren’t allowed to be at that late. Nina was perched on Matthias’s lap, laughing at something Inej had whispered to her.
Kaz was glaring at the group, seemingly annoyed at the fact they existed. Jesper had decided he needed to be next to Wylan at all times, glueing himself to the other.
It wasn’t entirely unpleasant, Jesper was quite attractive, and his friends were fun. It was fun, more fun than Wylan had ever had. He wondered if his mother was worried about him, he supposed it didn’t matter.
Wylan didn’t contribute much conversation wise, but nobody commented on it. He wondered if, maybe, this is what being a ghost was like. He already felt more dead than alive most days.
He embraced the feeling for now, grasped at whatever straws he could. This wouldn’t change things, not in the long run. Because these people weren’t his friends, they would forget his name come morning.
Jesper would leave him feeling like he saved Wylan’s life, and that would be that. He would hear the news of a disowned rich boy’s death and he’d feel…well, Wylan didn’t know.
It was whatever, he wouldn’t care when he was dead.
Jesper slung an arm over his shoulder, “Wylan thinks I’m funny.” he said, “Right?” he looked at him. Wylan blinked at him, “You haven’t been particularly funny in my experience." he said.
Nina laughed loudly, “Wylan, you and I are going to get along very well.” she said. Inej was giggling from her spot next to the other girl.
Jesper put a hand on his chest, “Everyone is so mean to me all the time.” he complained. Wylan’s lip twitched up, “I’m sure you have the potential to be funny.” he assured.
“Aren’t you full of surprises?” Jesper murmured. Nina fumbled out of Matthias’s lap, patting Wylan’s face, “You’re my new best friend.” she sounded delighted.
Wylan blushed, “That’s kind.” he told her. Nina cooed at him, “Saints, where did Jesper find you?” she asked. Jesper pushed Nina away, “Don’t corrupt him, Nina.” he chided.
Nina stuck her tongue out at him, “You’re a dick.” she told him, falling back into Matthias’s lap.
Jesper rolled his eyes, “Don’t listen to Nina, she can’t tell her left from her right.” he whispered loudly. Nina squacked, “Oi, I can do it if I use my hands!” she retorted.
Wylan giggled quietly, pulling his knees to his chest. Jesper smiled at him, “I like Wylan a lot more than I like you lot.” he said. He was met with boos’ from the group.
“Nina literally just said Wylan was her new best friend.” he reminded. Inej shrugged, “She’s just so much more likable.” she said. Jesper blew raspberries at her.
Wylan patted his back sympathetically, “If it’s any consolation, I think you’re both lame.” he said. Another round of offended sounds and laughs rang through the group.
Yeah, Wylan was okay with this being his last day.
_______________
The rest of the group left after three AM, leaving Jesper and Wylan alone.
“I think it’s time you went home, Jesper.” Wylan told him, “Okay, as long as I can drop you off first.” Jesper responded. Wylan went quiet, they both knew the answer.
Jesper nodded, “There’s still plenty to do, the night is young.” he said. He once more hauled Wylan to his feet, taking him to his truck.
Wylan sighed, leaning his head against the stained seat. Jesper joined him in the vehicle, “So, what do you want to do next? Go to a club, raid the candy aisle at-”
“I’m tired, Jesper.” he interrupted, “I don’t… I don’t want to do anything anymore.” he said. Jesper tapped his fingers against the wheel, “I get it, y’know.” he started.
“When my Ma died I was…a mess. I mean, for years after it, I couldn’t cope. Da tried, but he didn’t know what it was like for me, I love him, but he’s an old white man. He’s gotten better at understanding me, but he’ll never know what it’s like, not like Ma did.”
“There were times that I wanted nothing more than to see her again, and I would have done anything for that. I came close to-to killing myself a couple times, and it was hard, but I asked for help.”
“It’s gonna hurt, it’s gonna be hard, but it’s worth it, Wylan.”
He looked at Wylan with wide, earnest eyes. He ducked his head, “I’m sorry that you went through that, I get it.” he murmured. Jesper looked at him, “Is one of you parents-”
Wylan shook his head, “No, uhm, my-my dad told me my mom died when I was eight, but she wasn’t.” he explained, “I only found out she was alive last year.” he went on.
Jesper stared at him, “Saints, that’s fucked up, why would he do that?” he asked. Wylan shrugged, “He hates me.” he speculated, “He hates my mom.”
The taller boy shifted to look at him more clearly, “Why does he hate you?” his voice was gentle, sickeningly so.
Wylan swallowed back a sob, “I’m not the son I’m supposed to be, I can’t take his place in the business.” he suggested. Jesper took his hand, "I'm sorry that happened to you.” he said quietly.
Wylan shook his head, “S’not your fault.” he said, “It’s my fault I’m not a better son, I didn’t try hard enough.”
Jesper squeezed his hand, “That’s bullshit, what could you have possibly done to deserve that?” he asked.
Wylan scoffed, “Deserve what? You still don’t know a thing about me.” he yanked his hand out of Jesper’s grip. “I know you’ve been through something if you tried to kill yourself tonight.” he said it as if it were simple.
The shorter boy stared at him for a few seconds, “He tried to kill me.” he said, “My father. A little before my momma…returned.” he added.
Jesper looked lost for words. It all came spilling out.
“He used to love me when I was little, like really little. I remember that he used to play with me and sing to me. He loved my momma too, but then he discovered my defect.”
“Defect?”
“I, uhm, I can’t read, like at all. My father tried to teach me, but it never took. He spent thousands of dollars on tutors and medicines to fix me, but nothing worked. He didn’t hit me, not at first, but he’d let the tutors discipline me however they wanted.”
“It sounds worse than it was, they didn’t really hit me. Just made me kneel on rice and stand on my tiptoes. Maybe they’d wack my hands with a ruler if they got frustrated, but it wasn’t bad.”
“My father, he tried to…he hired someone to kill me. He told me I was going to a music school, I thought he was getting rid of me. He sent two bodyguards with me, except they weren’t there to guard me, they tried to…”
He couldn’t finish, he’d never said it out loud before.
Jesper dragged Wylan into a hug. “I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve that.” he murmured into Wylan’s hair.
Wylan tried to blink the tears out of his eyes, but he was too overwhelmed. He broke down into shuttering sobs. He buried his face in Jesper’s shoulder.
He took gasping breaths, “I can-I can’t-breathe.” he said. Jesper rubbed his back, “It’s okay, Sweetheart, let it out, you’ll feel better after.” he said.
He hadn’t processed it yet, the hurt and torture he had been through. He hadn’t had a chance. Life had been moving too fast for him to do anything.
Wylan had to take care of his momma, because she was more unstable than he was. She’d been through more than he had. She wasn’t equipped to care for him, but he was equipped to care for her.
He never got time for himself, he didn’t know how to take time for himself. He was so used to hiding any pain he was in that he didn’t know how to let people know he was hurting.
He knew that his momma cared for him, that even Jesper cared for him, but he didn’t know how to accept that. He imagined that he one day could, though.
Things felt a little lighter with Jesper’s arms around him. Softer.
Wylan eventually stopped crying, instead just lying in his arms. Jesper petted his hair, “How are you feeling, Love?” he asked. Wylan sniffled, “I want my momma.” he whispered.
Jesper squeezed him, “We can call her, d’you know her number?” he asked. Wylan nodded into his shoulder, “Here.” he mumbled, taking the slip of paper out of his pocket.
Jesper pulled back, sitting straight against his seat and pulling Wylan into his side. “We can call her together, if you like.” he offered. Wylan nodded, “Thank you.”
The phone only rang a few times before it was answered, “Hello?” his momma asked. She sounded too awake for the hour it was.
Wylan swallowed, “Hi, Momma.” he croaked, “Wylan? Oh, Saints, I was so worried.” she said, “Where are you? Are you okay? Do I need to get you?” she fired off her questions like a gun.
Wylan sobbed, “Momma, I’m sorry.” he said.
Later, Jesper would drive him home. Later, his momma would hold him against her chest and cry with him. Later, she would take him to a therapist. Later, Wylan would regret not saving Jesper’s number.
Later, he would get on medication for his depression, anxiety, and sleep disorder. Later, he would get a diagnosis for Dyslexia. Later, his therapist would test him for autism.
Later, Wylan would be enrolled in public school. Later, Wylan would step into his classroom and see a familiar face. Later, Jesper would grin at him from to seat. Later, things would be better.