Chapter Text
“My name is Park Gunwook, nice to meet you all…”
Long legs, he has such long legs to the point that his pants look a bit short on him. That’s what Taerae first notices from the new transfer student. Moving from Seoul to the smaller city of Cheonan in grade 12 is rare. Taerae wonders what the reason would be. He can’t really tell based on his looks, nothing out of the ordinary… But he thinks that the new kid has a similar vibe to those students who are in the student council. So surely not a bad case like bullying, right?
“Welcome Gunwook-ah, you can sit on that empty seat next to Taerae.”
Losing himself in his thoughts, Taerae’s heart jumps when the teacher suddenly calls his name while pointing fingers at him. Caught staring, Taerae’s eyes lock with his as he walks towards Taerae.
“Hello…” Gunwook greets, standing tall beside Taerae’s desk.
Taerae’s eyes trail starting from the shoes up to the top of his head. Even when he’s sitting down, he knows that this guy’s height is no joke. Because as he tilts his head up, Taerae feels like his neck bends farther than it normally does. His face looks young, his bangs fully cover his forehead, and the rounded cheeks make his face look… cute. On the contrary, the rest of his body looks pretty much enviable with how perfect his proportion looks. Long legs, yeah, Taerae wants that too.
“Is it okay if I sit here?” Gunwook continues after not hearing a response from Taerae.
“Oh yeah, sure. It’s empty.”
Taerae doesn’t realize then, that the seat on his right isn’t the only thing that’s been filled.
As spring begins, a tiny bud of a flower begins to bloom inside Taerae’s heart, too.
━━ ∞ ₊˚⊹
What people don’t tell you is that the last year of high school goes faster than expected.
Taerae’s spring semester passed like a blink of an eye. His summer break didn’t feel like a break since Taerae had to study the entire time. Before he knows it, he’s already in his second semester. 8 months into the year, and since then, Taerae has been spending his time at school with Gunwook. It’s not like Taerae doesn’t have other friends. He does, but Gunwook is easy to be around. He’s easy-going, funny, smart, they get along better than Taerae expected.
The sky is particularly blue today, decorated with streaks of white. Finally, the day is chilling down after those constant heatwaves this summer. The breeze is perfect, birds chirping on trees that are slowly turning brown leaf by leaf.
Taerae walks through the school corridor. After the class ended, he usually goes to the music room to practice for his upcoming college entrance exam auditions. Applying for vocal majors is something he has been planning since the beginning of high school. But today, his steps feel heavy, the weather is just too good to miss. So Taerae, breaking his routine, goes to the park area at school. Finding a spot he likes, Taerae settles on the ground underneath a tree and puts on his airpods. He then closes his eyes, drowning in the melody of the music, tasting the end of the summer breeze beneath a tree’s shade.
All of a sudden, his surroundings turn dark. The light that was seeping through Taerae’s eyelids disappears entirely. Confused, Taerae cracks his eyes open, just to find Park Gunwook standing in front of him, covering all the sunlight.
“What are you doing here?” Gunwook asks, bending his body down towards Taerae.
Taerae couldn’t actually hear the words Gunwook said, but it’s not a hard sentence to guess from the movement of his lips.
“Move, I’m watching the clouds.” Taerae answers, his hand shooing Gunwook to move aside.
Gunwook follows and sits on the ground next to Taerae. He said something again, but this time Taerae can’t make it out, so Taerae takes one of his airpods off.
“What did you say?”
“I said, how do you watch the clouds with your eyes closed?” Gunwook repeats.
Taerae lets out a sheepish laugh. Technically it wasn’t a lie, Gunwook just caught him when he was resting his eyes.
“What are you doing here? Don’t you have extra lessons?” Taerae shoots the question back at him, changing the topic.
“The teacher is sick today. I went to the music room to watch you practice, but you weren’t there. So I looked around for you, didn’t expect you to be here.” says Gunwook.
It’s nothing new for Gunwook to hang around Taerae as he practices in the music room whenever he’s free. Taerae never understands why he prefers to sit around in the music room instead of being outside playing sports that he likes. Because Gunwook has already made a lot of friends, mostly by joining those random sports matches. Be it basketball, soccer, volleyball, or in smaller groups like table tennis. Not really something Taerae would do, but sometimes he enjoys watching Gunwook play too.
Taerae looks at the field and sees that there are people playing soccer.
“……Why?” Taerae doesn’t realize he voices out the question that was supposed to stay inside his head.
“Why what?” Gunwook raises his brows.
Taerae considers whether he should continue. The question is sitting on his tongue, but he decides to swallow it back. “Nothing, never mind.”
Gunwook stares at Taerae with a puzzled smile, letting out a chuckle. “Because I just want to be with you.”
Like a book, Gunwook reads Taerae’s mind easily. It hasn’t even been a year since they met, but Taerae feels as if there’s a manual book of Taerae somewhere, and Gunwook has mastered it.
Taerae doesn’t respond, clearly flustered by the answer. So he distracts himself by putting his airpod back, but Gunwook stops him and snatches it, only to stick it into his ear with a grin.
Taerae lets him, he does this a lot. There’s a quick silence as they both listen to the music, but not even a minute in, Gunwook steals Taerae’s phone that he was holding.
“Hey!” Taerae protests.
“Why don’t we listen to my playlist today… You gotta check out the recent stuff too.” Gunwook scrolls through Taerae’s phone.
“What’s wrong with mine?”
“You listen like my dad…”
Before Taerae could say anything, a different song started. It’s not like he could say anything about it, Gunwook’s right. His playlist consists of pretty much old songs, mostly Korean ballads mixed with some random older charted pop songs. Gunwook returns the phone to Taerae. An R&B melody plays, it’s calming, perfect for a day like this. Their music taste might not overlap, but Taerae doesn’t mind. Taerae checks his phone screen, the song By My Side by Junny is currently playing.
Gunwook suddenly leans over, lying down with his head on Taerae’s lap. His face is facing towards Taerae before finally closing his eyes. Now every movement, every breath Taerae takes, becomes heightened, feeling self-conscious with the weight of Gunwook's head resting on his thigh.
Taerae tries to look away and watch things around him. On the students in the field playing soccer, on the maintenance guy who’s fixing a lamp, on the tree branches that are waving on top of him. He tries to divert his attention to literally anything. But he can’t help but to keep peeking back at Gunwook. Taerae can’t look away as he watches Gunwook’s expression slowly soften and his breath even. Just like that, he’s asleep.
Taerae bites his lip, realizing the growing rate of his heartbeat. This is not his first time. It feels exactly like those times when Gunwook sleeps in class, resting his head sideways on the table. Taerae's heart always acted strangely whenever he watched him asleep. No matter how much he tries to shift his focus, something keeps pulling him back closer. It was easier when Gunwook was sleeping on the table, but when his head is on Taerae's lap, it's hard to pretend that he's not there. So for his last attempt, Taerae tries to look up towards the sky, just watching the clouds moving slowly.
I'm screwed.
━━ ∞ ₊˚⊹
“Taerae-ya…”
“Mm?” Head on the table with his eyes closed, Taerae reluctantly answers Gunwook.
Taerae feels grumpy about his nap time being disturbed. It’s a particularly tiring day. He didn’t get much sleep last night, so he tries to sneak in a nap during break time. But Gunwook doesn’t seem to catch on to that.
“Do you know Jung Jiwoo?” Gunwook continues.
The question intrigues Taerae, so he breaks his eyes open. He knows who she is, but Taerae wants to know why Gunwook’s asking about her all of a sudden.
“Who doesn’t… Why are you asking?”
“Well, apparently me?” Gunwook's face suddenly comes closer, making Taerae pull back slightly on reflex. “She confessed to me just now.” says Gunwook in a careful whisper.
Taerae’s body shoots up, all of the sleepiness suddenly gone. “What?”
“I went to the cafeteria to buy some snacks, she pulled me aside... and… yeah…” Gunwook shrugs, like it’s a normal thing to happen.
Well, it’s probably a normal thing to him. Gunwook probably had tons of people confessing to him. But still, Jung Jiwoo confessing to him is a big deal, especially in this school. She’s probably the it girl of 12th grade, arguably the whole school. A lot of guys would do anything to get her attention. Yet, Park Gunwook managed to get a confession from her? That’s an achievement for the rest of the guys here.
“And so what did you say to her?” Taerae tries to act nonchalant even though his insides are in the exact opposite.
“Since she’s in a different class, I said, I want to get to know her first, and so she gave me her number.”
Taerae knows that Gunwook probably doesn’t know how much of a big deal this is, but it’s somehow annoying seeing him look all innocent.
Lucky bastard. Getting everything so easy…
Taerae grumbles inside.
“If people know, you’ll be the talk of the town. She’s the most popular girl in this school.”
“Really? Do you think I should date her?” Gunwook asks.
Don’t…. would be the answer Taerae wishes to say. But he’s not ready to provide an answer if Gunwook asks for a reason.
Taerae scoffs, "As if you're gonna listen to me."
“Yeah, I would! If you think she’s not good for me, then I won’t.”
Taerae blinks in surprise. Sure, friends look out for each other, including keeping them from dating the wrong person. But Taerae's case is different. Gunwook trusting him for that matter is a weight heavier than he expected. He could easily manipulate Gunwook and keep him for himself with such power. But Taerae doesn’t have the heart to toy with someone else’s feelings, even for his own good.
For now, Taerae’s content with this. Friendship... or whatever this is.
Yet it hurts.
Hell it hurts, when one day Taerae catches Gunwook and Jiwoo tucked in a corner of the school corridor. Taerae doesn’t know since when they’ve gotten close. He wonders what kind of topic do they talk about? What kind of interest do they share for them to have such engaging conversations? What’s so funny that Jiwoo has to hold Gunwook’s shoulder as she laughs? And all it takes is the image of Gunwook tucking Jiwoo’s hair behind her ear to make Taerae run away. If only he hadn’t decided to go to the toilet then, maybe he wouldn’t have to see them. He regrets staying there, watching them longer than he intended to. Now he wishes he could erase the image of them inside his brain, because it’s making whatever this burning feeling inside his heart spreads out like a wildfire.
Before he knows it, Taerae’s feet have taken him to the music room instead of going back to the class. Thankfully, in the music room, nobody’s inside, he’d hate for anyone to see him in this state. This ugly feeling inside his heart is an embarrassment, but the pain feels so raw that he feels more alive than he has ever been. Is this what love’s supposed to feel like?
Taerae catches his breath as he realizes that he wants more.
━━ ∞ ₊˚⊹
Another sleepless night for Taerae.
Last night, he only closed his eyes for maybe an hour or two, but It felt like a 5-minute nap to Taerae. At first, he wanted to sleep early because he pulled an all-nighter as well as the nights before. But every time he closes his eyes, Taerae can see them again. The image of Gunwook and Jiwoo repeats like a movie scene behind his eyelids. So Taerae changed his mind, instead of sleeping, he studied hard, distracting himself, drowning in practice questions instead.
It’s at a point where Taerae is on the verge of crashing down, burning from the inside out. Even if Taerae closes his eyes, his presence lingers. Taerae wishes he could turn off his feelings. It’s too overwhelming with everything that’s going on. The national exam and his major audition are coming very soon, he doesn’t have time for a broken heart.
Taerae brings his fingers to massage his temples to soothe his throbbing head. The ringing sound in his ears is making him feel nauseous, and pretty sure his body is heating up too.
He thinks he’s getting a runny nose, but when sniffling doesn’t work, Taerae stops it with his finger, only to find blood dripping out of his nose.
Ah, what a pain in the ass.
He thinks. Taerae hates getting sick because now all of his plans are falling apart. Before Taerae could even reach into his backpack to find a tissue, his eyes turned blurry. Taerae clutches onto the edge of his table for stability, but it feels like the world is turning upside down.
His ears feel as if he’s drowning in the pool, the voices turn into a muffled thrum. His sight turns darker, and the last thing Taerae sees and hears is Gunwook’s panicked face calling for him.
The scent of medicine.
That’s what Taerae notices first after he regains his consciousness.
Now he realizes that there’s a light hitting his face and it’s making him uncomfortable. Taerae slowly opens his eyes, squinting when his eyes can’t adjust fast enough to his surroundings. So he turns his head away from the window, only to find Gunwook’s head resting on the bedside, sleeping peacefully. What is it about his sleeping face that could make Taerae melt just like that?
Taerae stirs awake, moving his limbs one by one until he realizes that something is resting on top of his hand. The warmth, the weight, he knows it’s Gunwook’s hand, even without looking at it. It’s not a tight restraining grip, more like a soft so-I-know-that-you’re-here sign.
Taerae decides to slide his finger away, afraid of the repercussions. But the moment he moves, Gunwook jolts awake. Staring with his two rounded eyes at Taerae, looking surprised.
“You’re awake!”
“Where am I?” Taerae asks, as he can only see curtains around him, other than the window on his left side.
“Hospital ER, you had a nosebleed and fainted, remember? You didn’t wake up right away, so we called 119.” Gunwook explains.
Taerae shifts his focus towards Gunwook’s school uniform because something catches his eye. Taerae brings his hand closer, traces his finger on the stain on Gunwook’s shirt. It’s a dried blood stain for sure.
“I’m sorry… Give it to me later, I’ll wash it for you.”
“What- Oh…” Gunwook's eyes follow Taerae’s finger, just noticing now that Taerae’s blood is on his shirt. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Did the doctor explain what happened to me?”
“They said your body needs sleep,” Gunwook chuckles, “exactly how many days have you pulled an all-nighter?”
Taerae doesn’t remember. All he remembers lately is that he loves the quietness of the night, wishing for it to last longer than the day. So he stays awake for hours, either to study, to sing, or to do whatever and distract himself away from the ugly feelings that has been bothering him lately.
“I don’t know.” Taerae replies.
“You can’t ruin your body like that. The national exam is coming soon.” Gunwook scoots his chair closer.
“I know… I guess it’s good that I get sick now, so I get the sickness out of the way.” Taerae tries to lighten up the mood.
“That’s not how it works.”
“It does! For my body at least… Why are you here anyway? You could’ve just stayed at school.” Taerae changes the topic.
“I insisted on staying. I said to the teacher that I was the one who saw you first when you fainted, so I can explain what happened to the doctor.”
“Just say that you’re bored and wanna get out of class early.”
“That’s a bonus…” Gunwook grins. “I just want to stay here with you…”
Taerae hates that it’s working. Those empty words repeat like a broken record, yet Taerae still gives it a chance every time. A chance that maybe this time is different.
“Taerae-ya, don’t get bored with me, okay. Because in university, I’ll still follow you around and annoy the hell out of you too.”
Taerae forgot for a while that one of Gunwook’s university choices is the same as his. Even though both of them have other choices as well but if they ended up in the same university, Taerae is afraid that this feeling will stay longer than he wishes.
“Wow, I hope our buildings are on opposite ends of campus.” Taerae blurts out a retort, trying to mask his actual feelings.
Gunwook laughs, obviously not taking Taerae seriously. “You’ll miss me…”
Taerae flushes. That’s not the response he expected, so Taerae continues to push him away. “You know what, you should study in Jeju Island and then send me some tangerines while you’re there.”
Gunwook raises his eyebrows, clearly not buying it. “You want to be that far away from me?”
“As far away as possible.” Taerae resists.
“You don’t mean that…”
Taerae pouts, wanting to slap the smirk off Gunwook’s face. It’s annoying, looking arrogant as if he knows Taerae like the back of his hand.
“Yeah… I don’t.”
He’s right. Taerae didn’t mean everything he just said.
Taerae draws his knit cardigan closer as the night autumn wind seeps through the gap in the window. After getting discharged from the hospital, he went back home, while Gunwook went back to school for the night study session. Gunwook finally let Taerae go back home alone after Taerae relentlessly convinced him that he’s fine.
Now that he’s finally alone, Taerae sighs, slumping his body over his desk on top of unopened books. He was about to study right away but his mind has been unbearably noisy. This is why people say not to fall in love in the last year of high school. It’s an unnecessary distraction.
Taerae opens his phone. He remembers that Gunwook demanded an update when Taerae had safely arrived home. But when Taerae opens Gunwook’s chat room, he notices that Gunwook’s profile picture has changed. Taerae clicks it open out of curiosity.
Maybe curiosity doesn’t kill the cat… but it kills Taerae’s heart.
It’s still a photo of Gunwook, a close shot of his face until his shoulder, but his chin is resting on top of a girl’s palm while puffing his cheeks. In the bottom corner of the picture, Taerae can see Jiwoo’s eye peeking slightly.
Ah…
It’s those kinds of photos… what is it called? a soft launch?
He scoffs. Screw soft launch, there’s no secrecy to it. Everyone obviously would notice that it’s Jiwoo’s hand on Gunwook’s chin. Taerae suddenly feels nauseous, but he knows that it’s not from his sickness.
It’s from his brain, overloaded with all kinds of feelings jumbled into one. Disappointed? Yes. Embarrassed? Of course he does. Confused? Very much. Anger? Definitely boiling in his stomach. All it takes is a picture for everything to come crashing down all at once. Dumbfounded by it, Taerae starts with a chuckle until it slowly grows into full-blown laughter, not realizing that tears start to slip away uncontrollably. Like a mad man, Taerae’s laughter mixes with painful sobs, broken, desolate.
These misguided feelings have led him deeper into the maze of mirrors, thinking he found a way out, only to collide with another mirror. Thinking that there could be something more than just friendship, only to find that he’s the one being delusional. As if all of those feelings he went through were nothing more than just a mere imagination.
Taerae is tired. He’s sick of this one-sided feeling. He wonders if Gunwook knows about his feelings and decided to toy around with it. Taerae doesn’t think Gunwook is that kind of person, yet a tiny part of him fears he may have misjudged who Gunwook really is. Maybe this is Gunwook’s way of letting Taerae know that he should give up on his feelings.
And so Taerae does.
Lying down on his bed, tired of crying, Taerae makes a one last promise before he closes his eyes. He swears from tomorrow onward he’ll focus on finishing his high school without regret, go to university, and forget about Gunwook. Trying to retrace his steps, back to the door where he entered the mirror maze. Maybe that way he’ll find a way out, and leave as if he had never entered the maze at all. Taerae closes his eyes as he pushes inside everything he feels for Gunwook deep down and locks it. Numbing his own feelings so that he won’t get hurt again.