Work Text:
Don't modify, everyone adores you
at least i do.
Summer, 1998
The thing about Kim Taehyung was, he was loud. And always the life of the party. It's like everywhere he went, the place would immediately light up. Think of a dark room. Completely dark, rays of the sunlight enter it, illuminating the entire room. Even if the source was tiny. That's what Taehyung was. The only source of light in the darkest of places. Seokjin knew him through their overlapping friend group. And plus, their high school was the only one in their small town in Busan, so everyone knew each other.
To say Kim Seokjin had a big fat crush on him was an understatement. He was utterly, dumbly, and hopelessly in love with Kim Taehyung. In short, he was fucked.
Whenever the entire group hung out together, Taehyung immediately was found beside him. No one knows who reached out first. It was like they just gravitated towards each other. In the group, everyone knew Seokjin wanted Taehyung. But nobody ever said anything. Everyone knew except, well, that is, except Taehyung himself. He was just his usual bubbly self around everyone. But Seokjin felt like he could sometimes see Taehyung falter. Like the cracks he hides.
Seokjin is scared of where the future will take them. Scared of the road that someday could take Taehyung away. He sometimes wonders, looking at Taehyung laughing with his head thrown back without a care in the world, if he could want him in the same way Seokjin did.
Tonight was a house party. A typical one, that too, with some just standing awkwardly, some with their friends, and some just straight up making out. It was at Hoseok's house, since his parents were out for the weekend. The otherwise family-friendly house with modern furniture and bright lights now looked like a place where some sort of drug dealer would reside. The lights were dimmed low and were in all hues of reds, blues, and greens. There were empty cups of beer scattered all over the room.
And as for other people, Hoseok was the center of attention, dancing. Taehyung and Jimin were right there, doing some sort of karaoke. Half of the people were either making out or dry humping each other right on the walls of Hoseok's parents' house. Seokjin swore he saw two seniors from his class head upstairs completely wasted.
Seokjin was doing his own part by standing in a corner with Yoongi. Yoongi was talking about something about how the younger kids are getting out of hand, but Seokjin was paying no attention. Instead, he was gazing at Taehyung. Taehyung was doing something as mere as just existing. His presence simply brought a contented feeling in Seokjin.
Seokjin snaps out of his thoughts when Yoongi snaps a finger in front of him. Seokjin turns to Yoongi, who's already looking at him with his eyebrows raised. His eyes already reeked of suspicion. Seokjin hated how much Yoongi knew about him. It was like a double-edged sword. It was like his best friend could read through him no matter how desperately he tried to hide his emotions.
"Cut it out. You're gonna burn holes into that boy's back." Yoongi deadpans. Seokjin startles but hides it under a scowl.
"I'm not doing anything. I don't know what you're talking about." Seokjin mutters under his breath. Yoongi shrugs.
"I know you like him, Seokjin. At least don't hide things from me. I'm your best friend." As Yoongi says that, Seokjin's eyes are again diverted to the center of his universe. Kim Taehyung.
Seokjin looks down and fiddles with his drink. "I'm sorry. I've been cutting everyone out lately." Seokjin turns to look at Yoongi and sees his eyes soften.
"It can be hard. But whatever you're feeling, you feel too much. Share some of it with me, yeah? I'll be a very bad best friend if you don't." Yoongi says, and that brings a small smile to the elder's face.
"I'm sorry. I just—I can't. I'm sorry." Yoongi looks back at the raging party in front of him, taking a slow sip of his drink.
"That's okay. Just tell me whenever you're ready, okay?" Yoongi now looks back at the raven-haired boy, who only nods.
The two stand in silence when Namjoon comes to stand beside Yoongi. The two fall into conversation. Something about bonsai plants. Seokjin doesn't really know. He was just admiring the boy everyone adored from afar. If only said boy knew how much Seokjin adored him. Taehyung was dancing carefree, not giving a shit about anyone. That's what Seokjin liked about Taehyung. That he could be free without caring what others thought about him. He did whatever he wanted without a care in the world.
Seokjin asked him about that once. Taehyung just grinned like an idiot and answered.
"If you spend your whole life thinking about what others say, when are you truly going to live, hyung?"
That day, a question arose in Seokjin's mind. He didn't know if he wanted to be Taehyung or wanted to be with Taehyung. Now that he thinks back, he figured both. That's what happens when you truly love a person. You tend to admire them for who they are. Seokjin figured that's what it was.
Seokjin sighs and takes a sip of his drink when he catches a stranger gliding smoothly towards Taehyung. The stranger mutters something in his ears and falls into place behind him. Taehyung's back to his chest. Seokjin identifies 'stranger' as Jeon Jeongguk, a flimsy and clumsy boy in Yoongi's chemistry class.
As per Yoongi's words, the boy once was accidentally about to drink sodium hydroxide straight from the test tube until Park Jimin (from Seokjin's Korean Literature class) had to step in and push the test tube out of his hand. Many students often talked among themselves that Park Jimin had a thing for Jeongguk. But Jeongguk is dumb and utterly clueless, so he often dates many people, breaking up just within a few days.
Seokjin silently watches as the boy he has come to love dances with Jeongguk. He feels something in his chest crack. He has this sudden pain in his chest. Just as Seokjin is about to set his glass down and walk away from the party, his eyes meet Taehyung's. For a moment, no one does anything; they just simply look at each other. The contrast between the two of them suddenly strikes Seokjin. He is just simply standing there with a glass of beer he hardly even touched, whereas Taehyung is with a boy behind him, who's probably whispering some lovey-dovey nonsense into his ear.
Seokjin then realizes that he's nothing and Taehyung is everything.
The two keep eye contact as Taehyung dances with Jeongguk. His eyes hold a tinge of sadness before he gives Seokjin a smile. What Seokjin didn't know was that the smile held sadness. His eyebrows raised up as if asking Seokjin, "Do you really like this? Do you really not care that I'm with someone else?" That's the final straw for Seokjin. He sets his glass down before muttering an apology to Yoongi and walking out of the party.
That night Seokjin lies in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering why Taehyung could never want him the way he wanted the latter.
╭──────────.★..─╮ time skip╰─..★.──────────╯
Spring, 1999
It was now almost the end of the school year. The last year where they could be young and wild and free youngsters. All of them really tried hard not to think about what was going to come next, but deep down they were all scared about the future. About what fate or kismet had in their books for them.
Seokjin still loved Taehyung, but he had somehow managed to bury those feelings deep in his chest. Most of their friends now thought that Seokjin had finally moved on, and they were happy for him. But oh, only if they knew. Seokjin started to notice Taehyung dissociating often. And by "often," he meant most of the time. It was like a switch had flipped on in him as graduation neared. Seokjin tried to ask Yoongi about it, but the younger of the two said he didn't think too much about it and that maybe Taehyung was just stressed about the final term.
It was currently 2 am, and Seokjin was studying his ass off for the final exam of his senior year. Korean Literature. It wasn't that difficult, but Seokjin always tended to doubt himself. When asked about it by Yoongi, he answered, saying that it helped him be better in whatever he did. Yoongi just thought it was dumb because he was pressurizing himself but decided to not say anything because he just figured some people work better under pressure.
The only light illuminating the dark room is the soft glow of his table light. Seokjin engrossed in his writing, hair clipped with one of his sister's bow ties, exposing his forehead. His glasses slipped off his nose bridge, but he didn't seem to mind, too absorbed in reading a piece of literature from ancient times. It was now the third time he was reading this particular chapter.
He almost doesn't notice the light tapping on his window because of the radio playing Kim Sung-Jae. He hears slight rustling when he puts off the radio and looks over to the window only to see a figure with a hoodie on. Startled, Seokjin is just about to scream when the person removes his hoodie and stares back at Seokjin with a shit-eating grin on his face. Seokjin can never miss that smile. It was Taehyung. Seokjin crosses his room in two strides and opens the door to his window, letting Taehyung in. Taehyung walks over to Seokjin's bed, sitting with his legs crossed beneath him.
Seokjin is at a loss for words, but Taehyung still stares back at him with a soft smile. The smile was a contrast to his red eyes and puffy nose, indicating that he was crying. Seokjin walks over to Taehyung, sitting beside him. He contemplates as to what to say next, hoping he doesn't sound like an idiot.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Taehyung looks startled for a moment, looking at Seokjin with his wide, glassy doe eyes before sniffling and nodding.
"Do you ever feel like you're too much for everyone?" The question takes Seokjin aback. Is this what Taehyung had been hiding under the facade of a bubbly and sweet teenager? Seokjin looks at Taehyung's hands. He takes a close look at Taehyung's hands only to see his cuticles with cuts all over them, indicating he had been picking at his skin. Seokjin, out of reflex, places his hand over Taehyung's. The younger is startled but stops nonetheless.
"You can say anything you want, Taehyung-ah. Hyung is listening." Taehyung nods and sniffles one more time before speaking.
"I don't know, hyung. Sometime, or as a matter of fact, I always feel like I'm too much. That people are tired of me. Look at me, hyung. I'm loud and laugh too much. People must think I'm obnoxious or something." He looks down, staring at Seokjin's floor. Seokjin is in awe as to what Taehyung is saying. Before he could even comprehend what he was about to say next, he just blurts it out without any second thought.
"I wish you could see yourself in my eyes, Taehyung." Taehyung sniffles and looks at Seokjin.
"Shit. I'm sorry—I didn't—" Before Seokjin could utter another word, Taehyung pressed his lips to Seokjin's in a soft peck, immediately pulling away. Heat creeps up on both their cheeks. Seokjin raises his hand and touches his lips with his fingertips. Taehyung looks at him expectantly, but the loser is just staring into the void because he was just kissed by his light.
Both of them look away from each other. Taehyung stares at his hands and Seokjin stares at the Metallica poster on his bedroom wall. After a moment, Taehyung starts to speak, making Seokjin flinch a little.
"I'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable." Taehyung mutters out and Seokjin feels as if his jaw is on the floor in disbelief. Uncomfortable?
"Shit. No, Taehyung. That didn't make me uncomfortable. You don't know how long I've been dying for you to do that, Taehyung. I said it before and I mean it. I just so wish you could see yourself in my eyes. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you." Taehyung is starstruck. His childhood crush just said the words he'd been dying to hear.
"I—Thanks, hyung," Taehyung says and turns his head to look at Seokjin, who for the first time makes eye contact with him. His eyes leave the poster on the wall. Seokjin thinks he sees stars in Taehyung's eyes. His rational side thinks he's hallucinating. But his love for Taehyung says otherwise.
"I just felt like I was a burden to everyone. At one point of time, I used to think everyone hated me, you know. Just put up with me because we were friends. I didn't feel like that with you, though. You never talked much, but you always listened. I can't help but feel like I'm annoying. Like a pest in everyone's life. I haven't told anyone about it because I was afraid they might invalidate my feelings and—"
Seokjin shuts up Taehyung, and the next words that leave the elder's mouth leave the latter speechless.
"Everyone adores you, Taehyung. At least I do." Taehyung looks up at the boy beside him with stars in his eyes. They both look at each other like that before Seokjin speaks again.
"Everyone has you up on their walls sometime. Everyone thinks of you when they sleep at night. And until now, I couldn't really tell you who 'everyone' was. When I say everyone, I'm actually referring to me."
Before Seokjin could continue any longer, Taehyung threw himself around Seokjin, arms around his neck, nuzzling his shoulder. Seokjin's hands hung beside him, confused at first, before they gradually came to rest on the younger's waist. It wasn't long, before the raven-haired boy, hugged the latter completely to his chest.
"I adore you, Kim Taehyung. More than you'll ever know." Taehyung looks up at him with hazy eyes to be met with equally glossy eyes. Seokjin sniffs before continuing once again.
"You're the Sirius in my dark and cold universe. You don't know, just how many times that loud laughter and boxy grin has made my day. I'd come to school with a bad mood and just seeing you being loud, and happy and entirely yourself, without giving a fuck about what others thought about you, that made me fall for you even more.
I just didn't know how to tell you. I thought it was impossible that the prettiest and brightest boy would fall for someone, well, like me." Seokjin feels Taehyung's hand cup his cheek, his thumb caressing the soft skin.
"Oh, hyung," Taehyung trails off softly. "I fell in love with you the day my mom accidently pushed me into you when we were eight." Taehyung and Seokjin both giggle softly at the memory. Seokjin was at a park with his friends, when Taehyung collided into him, both falling on their asses.
"I just thought you didn't like me. Like you saw me as a younger brother, and—"
Seokjin cuts him off before he can say anything else and pulls Taehyung to his chest. The younger buries his face into the elders neck and the raven-haired boy, nuzzles the latter's hair.
"None of that. Hyung wants you the same way you want him. You don't know just how much I love you." Taehyung giggles at that and looks up at Seokjin with wide eyes.
"i adore you, Kim Taehyung." Seokjin says smiling. Taehyung returns Seokjin's words not with words, but with a kiss. A kiss so soft that all words are taken out of Taehyung's mouth and put into the kiss. Taehyung's hands cup Seokjin's warm skin and crooked fingers rest on Taehyung's waist and back.
After a minute they both pull away, breathless and flushed. The two rest their foreheads on each other staring into each other's eyes. The only thing on Seokjin's mind was Taehyung. Taehyung's smile. Taehyung's heart. But the only thing on Taehyung's mind were Seokjin's words. Words that had found a way into his heart and had etched themselves on the walls of his heart.
Everyone adores you. At least I do.