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Shinra Kishitani was 16 when his world came crashing down.
The events leading up to what he would later consider the Worst Moment of His Life were relatively innocuous. It started out simply enough – a one-sided conversation with Izaya in which Shinra prattled endlessly about the love of his life, Celty. Izaya would usually sit and half-listen at moments like these, but this time he seemed restless, a sly smile hinting at the corners of his lips. His fingers tapped an uneven beat on the Kishitani’s kitchen table, a clear indication that one of his mischievous notions was forthcoming.
Naturally Shinra was reluctant to let him get a word in edgewise, because dealing with Izaya’s ludicrous theories was possibly the worst thing in existence. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop him from interrupting Shinra’s monologue.
“Ne, Shinra, what would you do if Celty wasn’t your soulmate?”
And it begins.
Shinra stifled a groan, opting instead to humor him in hopes that he’d shut up. “Frankly, I’ve never considered it,” he replied cautiously. “Why do you ask?”
Izaya glanced down at the homework they were supposed to be doing, apparently trying to avoid Shinra’s gaze. “Well, what if one day a knight in shining armor showed up at your doorstep--”
“--In Tokyo?”
“--And whisked her away to a mundane life of child-rearing and suburban cookouts?”
Somehow, Shinra couldn’t picture his headless housemate as a doting middle-class soccer mom. “I don’t think I have to worry about that, Izaya.”
But his friend was on a roll now, and there was no stopping his enthusiasm. “Probably not, but you can’t tell me that the thought has never crossed your mind. I mean, you love her, right?”
“More than anything,” Shinra replied, without hesitation. Celty was his entire world. He’d do anything for her, no matter the cost.
Izaya nodded, like he was expecting the answer. “So I’m sure you worry about losing her. Maybe not to natural causes – she doesn’t have a head, after all – but what about to other people? You’ve never even asked her out, someone might beat you to it if you keep dawdling.”
“Izaya…where are you going with this?”
He smirked, giving Shinra what he’d begun to refer to as The Look. “Have you ever seen her soul mark?”
Shinra felt heat rise into his face. “W-what?!” he spluttered, taken aback. “Of course not! Y-you can’t just ask a girl to show you something like that! It’s private!”
“Why? It’s not like it’s in a naughty place, Shinra. Unless you consider her back erotic…well, knowing you--”
“Don’t talk about stuff like that and then call me a pervert!”
Izaya rolled his eyes, clearly unimpressed with Shinra’s reaction. “I just don’t see why everyone treats it like some big secret. I mean, if you ever want to find your soulmate, you should show people, right? Why doesn’t everyone just wear open-back shirts all the time?”
“Firstly, that would be a fashion disaster. And second, not everyone wants to be so…brazen…about the one thing that connects them to their true love.”
“The one thing? Shinra, if a birthmark is all that’s keeping a relationship together, then I don’t think it’s meant to last.”
Shinra huffed. “Like you’re one to talk about managing interpersonal relationships. And anyways, you know what I mean. It’s supposed to be special, something that’s shared with very few people. You’re only meant to show it to someone who you think could be your soulmate. It has to be considered precious, or the magic wears away. Imagine if you met the most wonderful girl ever, and you saw her mark and it matched yours – think about how happy that would make most people! But…well, you’re kind of apathetic, Izaya-kun. I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Excuse me?”
“Well, I don’t think you’ve ever made a single friend other than me; forget romantic relationships. But if, by some miracle, you found someone you loved…wouldn’t you want to see that familiar mark on their back, too?”
Izaya frowned. “I guess so. Would it make a difference? Even if we had different marks, I’d still love her, right?”
Shinra threw up his hands, exasperated. “See! This is what I’m talking about. You have no sense of passion! There’s just something romantic about being connected through fate.”
He shrugged, spiritless as always. “I can understand, a little. If you found out that your lover was destined to fall in love with someone else…that would kinda suck.”
“Exactly, so stop being difficult. If you understand that much, then you should be able to figure out why people get so worked up about it.”
“Yeah, yeah, I get it – mysterious love tattoos are the foundation of society and I need to accept that you’re all obsessed. Just promise that you won’t go on another rant about the magic of romance.” He paused, and then a grin worked its way onto his face. “Wanna see mine?”
“W-what?”
“My soul mark. Don’t you want to see it? You know, since I’m oh-so-heartless, I bet you think it’s like, a dead kitten or something.”
Shinra was still startled by the sudden offer. “If it is, then I feel really bad for your soulmate. Well, I do anyways, but…”
“No, seriously. Do you want me to show you?” For the briefest moment, Izaya’s face was deadly serious.
Shinra swallowed. “I…uh, yeah. I mean. Are you sure? It’s pretty important--”
Izaya was already rolling up his shirt. “I don’t have the same kinds of reservations as you do. It doesn’t matter to me who sees it. But I want to know what it’s like for you, having someone show you the most private part of themselves.”
Awkward was how Shinra felt, but he wasn’t going to say that out loud. “O-okay.”
They both got up from the table, and Shinra backed a few paces away to give his friend space. Izaya finished tugging his shirt over his head and stood facing Shinra, apparently unconcerned. “Ready?”
He didn’t wait for an answer, which was probably a good thing because words were failing Shinra. Izaya turned around, arms spread wide, and presented his back.
Shinra’s mouth went dry.
Izaya’s soul mark was a simple design, bold black marks forming a single Kanji character on the pale canvas of his back. The strokes arched over his shoulder blades, stopping just below his collarbone. Shinra knew that it had multiple readings – but one in particular came to mind: calamity.
Shinra’s own soul mark seemed to burn into his back, and he bit his tongue to keep from making any sound until he trusted himself to speak. “I’m impressed,” he managed at last.
“Hm?”
He forced a laugh. “Well, I wasn’t sure if someone like you would even have a soul mark. Much less a character that usually reads as attractive.”
Izaya scoffed, immediately turning back around. “I hope you don’t say that to every person who shows you their soul mark. Fate or no, your personality will probably ruin everything.”
“Now who’s the inconsiderate one?” Shinra asked, feigning hurt. But even as he lapsed into meaningless banter, his heart was pounding.
“Still you,” Izaya replied, pulling his shirt back on. “Alright…now that I’ve shown you mine, it’s only fair that you let me see yours.”
“Eh?! N-no way! I’m not as bold as you are when it comes to that stuff!”
“What, are you embarrassed of yours? Is it really dirty? No, that can’t be it, you’d probably love that…oh, I know! I bet it has Celty’s name!”
Shinra wrapped his arms around his stomach, securing his shirt tightly around his torso. “Of course not! Soul marks are never that straightforward. I just don’t go around showing everyone like some weirdo. Besides, you said that you didn’t care who saw, so don’t act like it’d be a fair trade!”
Izaya didn’t seem to be listening. “Yeah, it’s probably not that either. Hm…I bet…it has someone else’s name, not Celty’s. That’s the only reason you’d be so freaked out about showing me.” He was smirking, like he knew that his assumption was dead-on.
“Izaya-kun, now you’re just antagonizing me. Please leave.”
“Then I’m right!”
“No, you’re just an idiot. Or you take me for one. I’m not telling you what my soul mark looks like!”
Izaya sighed dramatically. “Fine, but I’ll get you one of these days…”
Shinra really hoped not.
Because his soul mark was identical to Izaya’s.
When Shinra was old enough to understand about soul marks, he tried learning the meaning of the kanji on his back. But it had a lot of different readings on its own, and that didn’t even include the dozens of compounds you could make with it. It was too vague to decipher, so he gave up and tried to forget about it.
Then he fell in love with Celty.
Everything started to make sense – or so he thought. 妖精, the kanji for fairy. Shinra had the first character of the compound etched into his back, and if you combined it with the second character, well...a Dullahan was a fairy, right? It had to be fate, in a very literal sense. He remained firm in this belief until Izaya turned around, displaying his own damning mark.
At first, Shinra was sure that there had been some sort of mistake; maybe he read it wrong, and Izaya actually had something completely different. But the image had burned its way into his mind, and after examining his own mark in the mirror that night, Shinra knew that there was no denying it. Izaya was his soulmate.
The revelation left an uneasy feeling in his gut. He’d felt enough despair when Izaya showed him, and he was past accepting that Celty wasn’t his soulmate. Now he was stuck on the thought that Izaya was. Of all the people in the world, his best friend was meant to fall in love with him. Shinra supposed that, for most people, this idea would bring them peace of mind. A best friend is someone that you already know inside and out, someone you get along with and are happy to be around. But most people didn’t have Izaya for their best friend. Shinra knew what kind of person he was, and as the years passed, he only grew more worried for his own future. Izaya Orihara. One of the most dangerous people in Tokyo, and Shinra’s destiny was intertwined with his. That didn’t exactly help him sleep at night.
When he got older, he asked Celty to show him her soul mark, but she only gave him a pitying stare – well, as much as a headless woman could. She didn’t have one. Shinra stared at the blank space below her neck where he was sure he’d find a matching yō mark, and a heavy weight seemed to settle on his shoulders. Later, Celty would tell him that she wasn’t bound by the same fate as humans were, so she didn’t have anything to tie her to another person.
Shinra supposed that made it much easier for her to erase all the signs of her existence before disappearing into the night sky.
Her untimely departure shook him, but he’d known for years that Celty would never view him as anything other than a friend. Still, he wanted her around to be just that: a friend. Celty had been with him for twenty years, and he was sure that it would take more than that to get over her loss. But the universe didn’t seem to want to give him that long.
By the time Izaya bothered to let him know he was alive, Shinra was more than a little bitter. His entire world had been ripped out from under his feet, his two best friends leaving him without ever once looking back. They had their reasons, sure, but it wasn’t fair to walk away and let Shinra suffer alone in the aftermath.
So when Izaya showed up at his door nearly a year later, Shinra had nothing to say other than, “I’m amazed you got all the way up here in that wheelchair.”
If Izaya was hurt by his unsympathetic demeanor, he didn’t show it. After all, Shinra hadn’t responded compassionately any other time Izaya screwed himself over. “This building has an elevator, you know. And anyways, I thought you knew that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.”
Shinra snorted derisively but didn’t reply for a moment. When Izaya showed no signs of continuing, he sighed. “What do you want?”
“Nothing, really. Just visiting an old friend.”
Shinra clenched his fist and counted to ten. Deep breaths. He almost wished that Izaya was here to mooch off of him or something, because then he could chalk it up to his usual shitty personality. But the fact of the matter was, Izaya didn’t just “visit old friends.” So it had to be serious, Izaya’s way of apologizing, and Shinra was practically required to forgive him. Mostly because, as far as he could remember, Izaya had never once felt sorry about anything. And that was saying a lot, given that he’d once orchestrated a four-way gang war. “Alright, then let’s hear it.”
Izaya looked like he was trying to pull off his old grin, but there was a sadness behind it. “Hear what? You’re being awfully vague.”
“Don’t.” Shinra stared down at him seriously, a threat lurking in his eyes.
Izaya faltered. The half-hearted smirk slipped off his face, and for the first time Shinra could truly see how broken he was. The last few months couldn’t have been good for his ego – he was defeated and shown up by his worst enemy, and his allies had abandoned him. What was probably worse, he was starting to come to terms with the fact that he had done something wrong. He might not have cared that he helped bring an entire city to its knees, but in the end his actions had hurt Shinra. And that was one thing that Izaya might have held the slightest guilt for. “I’m sorry.”
Shinra had to admit that he was surprised by how easily the words fell from his lips. Maybe he’d been practicing. “As honored as I feel to be the only one in this damned city you’re apologizing to, sorry doesn’t cut it.”
His friend’s eyes flashed with what was either anger or sadness – Shinra wasn’t sure which he’d prefer. Izaya opened and closed his mouth, apparently at a loss for words. Eventually he gave up and looked away, his hands tightly gripping the wheels of his chair.
“Izaya, you can’t really expect me to forgive you just like that,” Shinra said quietly. His tone was softer now, but anger still bubbled beneath the surface. “You just up and disappeared, right after Celty left me. I was completely alone.”
“So was I,” Izaya responded, clearly ready to argue. “I didn’t…think that you’d want me around.”
Despite the tension in the air, he barked a laugh. “What, did you think I’d come after you with a knife?”
“Something like that.”
Shinra shifted uncomfortably. “As always, running away is your insurance policy.”
Izaya managed a half-smile. “I get great rates.”
Shinra scratched his neck awkwardly. He was pissed, no doubt, but Izaya at least deserved the chance to make it up to him. Even if he doubted his ability to do so. Besides, half of Ikebukuro was ready to murder his only remaining friend, so he couldn’t exactly kick him out onto the street. “Do you want to come in?”
“Now that Celty’s gone…are you going to try to find your soulmate?”
Shinra’s fingers tightened around his cup of coffee. For someone who seemed to regret his actions, Izaya sure wasn’t wasting time popping that question. “Izaya, you’ve been here for twenty minutes and I already want to send you back to Kanto. I thought you wanted to make amends.”
Izaya grimaced. “Well…for a romantic person like you, wouldn’t that be the best way to get over her?”
“I’ve been over her for years. I grew up and…well, she didn’t like me back, so I let it go. We were much happier as friends.”
“So I was right. She isn’t your soulmate.”
Shinra gave him a dry look, seriously debating on if it was morally okay to pour hot coffee on a paraplegic. “Didn’t my response give that away?”
At least Izaya seemed to be regretting that question. “Sorry. I know you really liked her when we were younger. But really…are you going to give up completely on your soulmate?”
He had to hold back a laugh, because this conversation was proof that he hadn’t given up. “Quit while you’re ahead, Izaya.”
His friend glanced around at the nearly-empty apartment. There were no trinkets on the shelves, no pictures hanging from the walls. Even the couch Shinra was sitting on seemed plain. It was minimalist to the extreme, like a picture from an interior design brochure. It lacked signs of life, totally devoid of emotional attachment. Shinra had cleared everything out after Celty left; it was too sad. “I just don’t see you as the kind of person who would be happy to live their life alone.”
Shinra used his coffee as an excuse not to reply right away, finishing it off before he bothered to speak. “I’d certainly prefer having someone I care about around, but what if I sought out my soul mate and they were a huge asshole?” Now he was just projecting his feelings, but Izaya didn’t have to know that. “That’d be worse than solitude. Or I could spend years looking and never find them…I don’t want to waste my life like that. If they care to, they’ll come find me.”
“Ah, so you’ve changed your outlook since we were sixteen, have you?”
Shinra chuckled. “I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t think a little bit differently than they did in high school.”
Izaya echoed his laugh. “True.” He paused, and Shinra felt unease creep its way into his veins. He was sure he knew where Izaya would go next. “If you don’t care all that much anymore…why not show me?”
The question hung in the air for a long moment.
“I’ve waited nearly a decade,” Izaya insisted. “I know you said back then it wouldn’t be a fair trade…but if you don’t consider it precious that way you used to, then it’s only right to finish your end of the exchange.”
Shinra set his cup down on the end table and slowly stood up. “Alright,” he agreed. “I’ll show you.”
Izaya might’ve been surprised by how easily Shinra gave in, but he hid it well. “…Okay.”
He didn’t waste any time peeling off his lab coat, but he hesitated when he got to his undershirt. All these years he’d kept it a secret. Was he really going to give it up just to get back at Izaya? It was by far the pettiest thing he’d ever done, but Shinra yanked his shirt off and turned around.
Izaya didn’t say anything, but Shinra thought he heard his breath hitch. Finally, for once, he’d rendered him speechless. “So what do you think, Izaya-kun? Do you like it? But I bet it’s not what you were expecting.”
“…You bastard.”
When Shinra faced Izaya again, his old friend seemed to have lost all composure. His hands were clencing the arm rests of his wheelchair, but that didn’t stop his entire body from shaking. His eyes were dilated, staring uncomprehendingly at the bespectacled doctor.
Shinra grinned. “Fascinating stuff, right?”
“You…you…”
“See, when I was younger I thought it meant yō as in yōsei, but I think I’ve been wrong all these years. It’d be so much more fitting if it was part of the kanji for oyozurebito!”
Izaya’s eyes narrowed dangerously, but Shinra wasn’t fooled. He’d hit a chord there, and even if Izaya had been capable of moving, Shinra knew he wouldn’t do anything.
Then he seemed to crumple, a range of emotions flickering across his face. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Shinra laughed aloud, feeling less malicious than genuinely amused. “What good would it do? I always liked Celty back then, and you were too caught up in yourself. And anyways, think about it. Can you really say that things would’ve turned out any different? You know what you’re like, Izaya.”
Izaya’s frown deepened as he processed this. “Is that why…when Nakura…”
“I can’t believe you’re asking me that.”
“Me?! I can’t believe you hid the fact that…that we’re soulmates!” He spat out the last word as if it were hard to say, but Shinra couldn’t detect any real spite.
“Well, you know now. What do you want to do about it?” Shinra lifted his arms in a helpless gesture, trying to remain aloof. “Most people would start by repenting for all the shit they’ve pulled, but I don’t know if that’s your style.”
“…Do you really think I’m that terrible?”
Shinra let go of his anger for a moment. “What do you mean?”
Izaya scowled, staring at the ground. “After you found out that we were…you just stopped caring about soulmates. Am I honestly that repulsive?” He fixed Shinra with a glare. “You’re at fault here, too. You’ve spent half your life denying everything you ever said about soulmates! What happened to all that talk about how romantic it’s supposed to be? If that’s really the way it’s meant to happen, why didn’t you immediately show me yours?”
Shinra rolled his eyes. “As if you’d want to spend your life with me anyways. And yeah, maybe I’m a hypocrite, but you’ve never been the kind of person that I’d trust with my heart. Soulmate or not, you’re dangerous, Izaya.”
Izaya considered this for a moment. “Then how about this. Think about the person you trusted most in your entire life. If I can go as long as they did without breaking your trust…you have to accept me as your soulmate.”
“What prompted that?”
“You said that you didn’t tell me because I’m dangerous. If I can prove I’m not, it’s only fair that you accept it.”
Shinra wasn’t impressed. “A gamble? That’s a little ironic, don’t you think? And I hope you’re aware that the person I trusted the most was Celty, and she never once made me regret it. You’re looking at twenty years of probation.”
Izaya smirked. “Well, that gives us plenty of time to figure out how to live together, ne? We can start right now.”
Shinra couldn’t quite put a finger on the emotion he was feeling. “Why do I feel like this is your attempt at securing a rent-free existence in Tokyo?”
“That’s so cold, Shinra…”
Twenty years of this, Shinra thought. The idea didn’t thrill him. But maybe – just maybe – Izaya could change. And living alone was pretty dull.
He just hoped that their 妖 wasn’t supposed to be read as an omen of misfortune.