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Spoke cried with heaving sobs, everything hurt, and he was in agonizing emotional pain.
He was sitting on his bed, arms hugging his knees, aching dully from having raked his nails up and down his forearms. He was snotty and disgusting, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. All he cared about were the thoughts swirling around his head, each more disastrous than the last, leading him into a dangerous spiral.
His chest felt hollow, as if there were a hole inside him, sucking in all the good of his soul, and spitting it out sour and bitter.
He could barely remember what started this all, he remembered waking up and missing out on something he told Planet he’d join them for, all because he had slept through it.
But surely that wouldn’t have been enough to trigger all this. For the past hours to have been spent sobbing so hard he made himself gag with the force of it.
Spoke didn’t know how much time had passed. He knew it was over an hour, but he didn’t know anything else. All he knew was the inwards collapse of his chest, leaving him raw and empty, the echoing sounds of his own cries and screams piercing his ears which had started ringing at some point.
His head throbbed in time with his heart beat. It hurt, and his mouth was dry and his eyes were stinging like a bitch, but he just couldn’t stop crying.
Distantly, he wondered where Planet was, but he knew Planet shouldn’t come back. Not to Spoke, who had caused such irreparable damage last season, both to them and the rest of the server.
The thought alone only served to make Spoke sob harder, choking on his own saliva and sending him into a pathetic coughing fit, leaving him to gag from how hard and how much he was coughing.
He was so awful, he didn’t know why Planet willingly chose to be around him. He didn’t know why Parrot ever forgave him and continued to help him with his wellbeing outside of server conflict.
He. Did not. Deserve it.
Every last bit of pain was deserved, the pain and anguish that was brought upon himself by his own actions, and the guilt of what he had done. Everything was his fault. All the pain. All the suffering. All the destruction.
With a mangled sob, Spoke clambered up from his bed, stumbling down the stairs to the kitchen, intent on exacting revenge against himself for all the harm he did to everybody else. This wouldn’t be nearly enough to make up for it all, but it was certainly a start.
————————————🪐🌈————————————
Grabbing the kitchen knife, Spoke made his way back up the stairs, over to the bathroom. He fruitlessly rubbed away the tears that flooded his eyes, only for them to return immediately after.
Spoke tried to take a deep breath in as he sat down on the cold tiles that were the bathroom floor, heart racing as he held the knife in a shaky hand, his other arm turned wrist up, lying atop his thigh.
Well, there was no time like the present.
The first cut stung, making Spoke wince in its wake, but it was far from enough.
He went again, this time angling the knife better and putting slightly more pressure on the blade as he slid the knife downwards, repeating this until he could clearly see the insides of his arm whenever the blood cleared.
To Spoke’s surprise, he only realised he had stopped crying after he noticed he could distinctively see the innards of his arm, which wouldn’t have been possible with tears clouding his vision. Huh. He wondered when that happened.
What Spoke also noticed was how much his arm was shaking. Why was it that he didn’t shake as much during fights as he was now? Pathetic. He deserved more cuts. More pain.
And so he did. Spoke lined his arm with multiple cuts, each deeper than the last, his mind swimming with thoughts he couldn’t decipher, for it was all just a blur now. Was it the blood loss, was it his emotional anguish, was he just so focussed on cutting his arm that he couldn’t think about anything else? Ha, god if he knew.
But that didn’t quite turn out in his favor. With all the blood rushing through his ears, heartbeat prominent, he didn’t hear the click of a door. Luckily, he heard Planet walking down the hallway, and he heard the knock at the bathroom door, startling him and causing him to accidentally go deeper than intended.
Spoke hissed, trying to keep himself silent as not to alarm his teammate, who was seemingly standing right outside the door.
“Spoke? You in there?” Planet called from the other side of the wooden door that separated the two.
Shit.
“Yeah, I’m fine!” He called out, even though it was a lie. He was fucked, there was no way Planet didn’t notice the way his voice sounded raw and shaky from all that fucking crying.
There was a short moment of silence before Planet spoke up again. “Do you mind if I come in?”
Double shit.
“Uh- I’m just a bit busy, so give me a second” Spoke croaked, wincing at the blood pooling on the floor, staining his pants and the bottom of his hoodie. That will be difficult to explain.
Spoke could hear the skepticism in Planet’s voice, he knew they wouldn’t believe anything he says, and he only had so long until Planet barged in.
“Are you sure? Your voice sounds rough, and something smells like blood. What are you actually doing in there, Spoke?” They were starting to get suspicious.
“It’s none of your business, Planet. I’m fine, I’m not doing anything, so just- Leave it. Please.” Spoke hated himself. Why was he pushing them away? He didn’t want to be alone.
No, he had to be. He only ever hurt those who he cared for and loved. He deserved to be alone, he deserves this.
He bit his fist to stop the muffled sobs from sounding out, cringing against the taste of blood, but biting down nonetheless.
After a second of Spoke trying to quieten his crying, he heard Planet speak. “Spoke are you crying in there? Spoke, if you don’t answer me I’m coming in.”
Spoke wanted to answer them, he did, but if he tried, all that would have come out was wretched cries.
He was so fucked.
A moment passed, the time Spoke could have been spending cleaning up was instead spent curled up in a ball, shaking with pathetic cries that wracked his body as his arms bled freely, staining the white tiles beneath him red.
The door creaked open, and Spoke’s crying only got more hysterical.
“No no no no. Please, no, go away. Don’t look at me, don’t look, don’t. Don’tdontdontdontdont-“
“Spoke..”
He didn’t dare look up to see the expression on Planet’s face. Surely he would just be kicked from the team for being so weak.
Without a word, Planet reached above Spoke, choosing not to think on the way he flinched as they grabbed something Spoke couldn’t see. With a mix of disinfectant, bandages, and towels in their arms, Planet kneeled in front of him, holding Spoke’s arm up with the utmost care as not to further disturb the still heavily bleeding wounds, inspecting the cuts.
“Spoke, these are really deep. Like, really fucking deep, and they sure as hell don’t look like they’re from a normal sword. And considering the kitchen knife next to you thats covered in your blood… Why?”
“Because I deserved it, Planet.” He choked out through sobs, tugging his arm back and yelling out when he reopened the first cut with the sudden jarring movement. The blood was now staining Planet’s jumper, too.
Groaning in pain, Spoke cradled his arm to his chest, ignoring the feeling of blood now dripping down his chest as it fully seeped through his clothing and now onto his skin, trying to breathe through the simultaneously stabbing and aching pains shooting through his forearms.
Planet grabbed Spoke’s arm once more, this time with a firmer grip. “Brace yourself, this is gonna hurt.”
Before Spoke could question it, he felt a blindingly agonizing sting across his arm, leaving him screaming until his throat was raw.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Planet repeated as they cleaned out Spoke’s wounds, additionally using a wet paper towel to scrub the dried blood off the surrounding skin where he could.
The wounds were still bleeding, but after Planet had applied pressure to it and wrapped them up in bandages and bandaids, the bleeding was significantly less. They went to repeat the same for the other arm, deeming his right arm fit to only need bandaids, and not the clunky bandages that now hugged around Spokes left arm.
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Spoke was exhausted by now, he was completely and utterly emotionally spent, and all the crying and carrying on had both drained him of all his energy, and just dehydrated him as well.
Planet said something that Spoke didn’t quite catch, but he was too tired to listen anyways. Spoke distantly thought about the fact that his hoodie and pants were fucking ruined now, so that was fantastic. He wasn’t sure how he was going to get to bed, considering he hadn’t the energy to shower nor stand up, but he figured he could just sleep on the now red tiles if push came to shove.
“Spoke? Earth to Spoke, anybody home?” A voice called as there was a hand waved in front of his face.
“Wuh- Hey, cut it out.” Spoke swatted at the hand waving in front of his eyes, grumbling unhappily at his train of thoughts being broken.
“Were you gonna get up and wash off all the blood? Or…” Planet asked Spoke as they stood up, waiting for him to follow suit.
He didn’t.
Spoke just sat there, shrugging at Planet. “I’m tired, dude. I don’t have the energy to get up, nevertheless wash off the blood right now. Even if that is pretty gross, I feel like I’d just collapse on the spot if I tried.” Maybe the blood loss played a part in just how fucking weak he felt.
Taking a moment to think, Planet had an idea, although a risky one to ask at the chance of rejection, but an idea nonetheless. “What if I helped you wash?”
What.
“You- huh? Is this a joke? Or are you being serious right now.”
“No, no, I’m serious.”
He thought on it before deciding, what the hell, it doesn’t get much worse than this. “Alright, alright, you can help me. How do you want to do this?”
“Well, I suppose just take off as much as you’re comfortable with, and get into the bath tub. I’ll use the shower spray and help you get all the dried blood off before it becomes a problem.” They explained their idea, and Spoke nodded.
However, a problem arose as Spoke tried taking off his hoodie. His arms hurt like a motherfucker, he could barely bend and stretch them fully without it hurting, nonetheless dragging his blood-stuffed hoodie over his head. “Er, Planet? Can I maybe get a bit of help..” Spoke asked reluctantly, despising the notion of needing assistance with such minor things.
Chuckling softly, Planet helped their teammate out of the conundrum he was in, instructing him to put his arms straight up as they pulled the hoodie over Spoke’s head, taking off the t-shirt underneath it after getting a nod of consent from Spoke before they did so.
Spoke stood after getting a hand from Planet, and he walked over to the bathtub before awkwardly shimmying his pants off and climbing into the tub, yelping at how cold the ceramic was against his bare back and legs as he oh so slowly leaned back against it.
“Planettt, it’s so cold, I’m gonna die of hypothermia.” He whined, followed shortly after by a scream as Planet tested the water, inadvertently spraying Spoke with the cold water that hadn’t yet warmed up.
“I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY.” Planet said, but the smile playing at their lips told a whole other story.
That aside, the water eventually warmed up, and Planet tested the temperature on their hand before spraying it on Spoke’s shoulder to get a feel for how it was. “That alright?” They asked
“Yeah.” Spoke confirmed. “But shouldn’t I take off the bandages too?”
“Shit.”
And so take off the bandages they did, leaving Spoke cringing at the feeling of his wound tugging a bit as they peeled them off.
With that out of the way, Planet rolled up their sleeves and started spraying Spoke with the shower head. Most of the blood went down with just a bit of direct spraying, but some of it needed a small scrub with soap, which Planet was gonna do anyways.
Grabbing the bar of soap, Planet started gently rubbing it around the areas where the blood persisted, and then generally over the whole limb. They repeated this, getting soap on each limb before washing it down, and by the time they got to his torso, Spoke seemed half asleep.
Planet hummed a tune to themself as they went on, making sure Spoke was clean and his wounds were clean. They considered washing Spokes hair while they were at it, and so they asked him, “hey Spoke, do you mind if I wash your hair?”
All they got in response was a weak shake of the head and a mumbled “Don’t mind…”
Putting shampoo on their hands, Planet started scrubbing it into the messy mop that was Spoke’s hair. It was starting to get long, falling in front of his face where the rainbow bandana didn’t stop it from doing so. The hair fell to the bottom of his neck, allowing for a tiny, barely there ponytail to be made out of it, and if you really tried, you could maybe make a man bun at the top. Planet wondered if Spoke knew how to properly take care of his own hair.
The answer was no. Of course it was. But luckily for Spoke, he was friends with Mapicc, who cared much more than Spoke ever had about all this hair-care bullshit. So, multiple times he had been forced to sit there as Mapicc forced some shit into his hair, because no matter how much Spoke despised the fact, Mapicc did know what he was doing.
Once Planet deemed Spoke’s hair sufficiently shampooed, they rinsed it out, but not before warning him, making sure they didn’t get any shampoo in his eyes.
Repeating the process with conditioner, Planet gently massaged the hair under their hands, laughing quietly at the way Spoke further melted under their touch. Planet always figured the kid was pretty touch orientated with the way he seemed to always have his arm around somebody when given the chance, or the fact that even Mapicc, who usually avoided that kind of touch, often indulged Spoke’s hugs and overall touchiness.
But they digress, focussing back on the hair in front of them, warning Spoke once more as they carefully rinsed the conditioner out, making sure there were no remaining hints of either the shampoo or conditioner before turning off the shower spray and putting it to the side, tapping on Spoke’s shoulder.
“Hey, I’m done. Do you want me to grab you some clothes and help you dry off? You still seem pretty dead, dude.”
Spoke didn’t say anything, instead just mutely nodding as he let his head fall back against the back of now cool ceramic bathtub edge, keeping his eyes closed all the while.
Standing up, they ventured off to grab their teammate some good, lazy clothes to chuck on. For some ungodly reason, Planet found upon checking that most of what Spoke owned was some variation of his black and rainbow hoodie and black pants with a rainbow stripe, with the only deviation being a few pairs of shorts and a couple t-shirts. That simply would not do. So Planet went over to their own bedroom, grabbing a pair of light grey sweatpants and a random oversized tee of some band they’d never heard of. It was true, they were a fake fan, but those shirts went with everything, sue them!
Quickly returning, Planet put the clothes over the towel rack, grabbing one of the towels as they did so, walking the short distance to the bath tub from there.
“Spoke, do you think you can get yourself up?” Planet asked, expecting Spoke to say no, whether because he actually couldn’t do it or because he just needed this would remain unknown to Planet.
Having seemingly woken up more since Planet left, Spoke shook his head, unknowingly conforming to Planet’s expectations. “No, sorry.. I really don’t think I could hold myself up with my own arms if I wanted to, I can barely feel them.” And he did genuinely sound sorry, as if he hated being weak. Which, knowing Spoke, he probably did.
Rolling up their sleeves, Planet prepared to pick Spoke up, planning to just put him down on the closed toilet lid that sat between the sink and the bath. Spoke was mostly pliant, likely not wanting to cause any more trouble than he already presumed he had.
If he had asked Planet, Planet would have told him that he wasn’t a bother nor burden, and that would have been the truth. Even though they were still somewhat reeling from it all, knowing they were gonna have to have a proper with Spoke about this all soon, but that could wait.
For now, Planet was focussed on helping Spoke get dry so they could re-bandage the wounds and he could get dressed. Speaking of which, upon inspecting them again, they looked to be clean at least, so Planet could now carefully dab the surrounding skin with a towel to dry it the best they could before reapplying the bandage.
After that, they dried Spoke’s hair, but they didn’t warn him before grabbing his hair through the towel and ruffling it all up, completely messing up Spokes hair under the guise of drying it.
The indignant squawk that Spoke let out had everything but dignity attached to it, making Planet laugh out, which earned them a half-hearted glare from Spoke.
“Just hurry up and get this over and done with… asshole..” He grumbled as Planet helped him dry off his back, which felt a bit redundant as his hair kept on dripping down, despite them having dried it already.
Once they were done sufficiently having helped him dry off, they helped him wrangle the shirt over his head and turned their back to him, facing the door as Spoke put on the clean underwear and surprisingly comfortable sweatpants. They were close, but they weren’t THAT close.
When Spoke gave the confirmation that he was done, Planet turned back around, moving over to Spoke to put their arm under Spokes own to help him walk over to the bedroom. Considering how much of his weight he was putting into Planets hold, they would wager he still felt very weak from the blood loss.
Reaching Spoke’s bedroom, Planet went to sit Spoke down, but he stopped. “Huh? Whats wrong?” They asked.
Spoke hesitated. “Can I, uh, maybe sleep in your bed tonight? I really don’t want to be alone.”
Upon hearing the request, Planet softened, readjusting their grip on Spoke as they led him to their own bedroom, sitting him down on their bed. Looking at the clock on the wall, Planet figured they should probably sleep too, suddenly feeling the tire from the emotional toll and general physical work from the day.
Having made up their mind, Planet pulled on an oversized tee of their own and some generic loose shorts before hopping into bed beside Spoke, who had already maneuvered himself to be lying down and under the covers.
A muffled voice sounded out, saying something Planet couldn’t quite decipher.
“Hm? What’d you say?”
“Can you keep the lamp on low.. I don’t like sleeping completely in the dark.” Spoke requested, sounding timid as he curled in on himself upon asking.
“Of course.” They said as they turned the lamp next to them to its lowest setting. Not light enough to keep them awake, but just bright enough to show off silhouettes in the room where you looked for them.
Clearly Spoke was fucking exhausted, because no less than a few minutes later the kid was fast asleep, snoring softly as he tossed and turned until he was on his side, facing Planet with a face more relaxed than they had seen in a while.
Today had been stressful. They had found Spoke self harming in the bathroom, in a puddle of his own blood and sobbing hysterically, but Planet had gotten to help him clean up and even wash his hair, which they think was just as calming for Spoke as it had been for Planet. And now he was lying here in Planet’s bed, in their clothes, fast asleep with bandaged arms.
Tomorrow would be hectic as well. They would have to discuss the whole self harm thing, and they weren’t looking forwards to that. What were they going to say, ‘Hey man, whats up with the whole slitting your wrists jazz’? Absolutely not. So they’d have to think about that.
Their gaze drifted over to Spoke’s face, carefully tucking a stray hair behind his ear as they listened to his breathing, watching the rise and fall of his chest, knowing he was okay here and now. They knew they cared about Spoke a whole lot, more than just friends normally would, and the only time they remembered caring this much for one teammate was when they were with Bacon last season. There was nothing remotely romantic about it, though. Planet didn’t really feel romantic attraction at all, they vividly recalled the conversation they once had with Kab, where she explained the AroAce spectrum to them, and it was on that day they they discovered they were on the furthest end of both the Aromantic and Asexual spectrum.
Could it be like that?
They remembered the conversation they had with Bacon late at night, talking about everything and anything all at once, as they usually did, and Planet had asked him. ‘Do you ever feel like you wanna be more than friends with somebody, even though you don’t feel romantically attracted to them?’
Bacon had given them a look, but after mulling over it, he nodded. ‘Kind of. Why?’ And the answer Planet had given was the one Bacon had expected.
‘I think I feel that way with somebody on the server. I feel like I’m closer than just friends with them, and I want to stick a label to it—one that Kab told me about—but I don’t know if they reciprocate.’
Laughter was the last response Planet expected. Seeing the hurt on their face, Bacon quickly clarified his reason for laughing. ‘You’re an idiot, Planet. I know you’re talking about me, I’m the only other person on this server that you’re close enough with to even consider that kind of thing—Parr Jaron, but that’s Jaron. It’s okay though, what did you have in mind?’
Turning a light shade of red, Planet sputtered. ‘I could have been talking about anybody, it could have been Jaron, thank you very much!’ But with one level look from Bacon, Planet conceded that it had been about him. And that, yeah, Jaron was too Jaron-y for this.
‘Kab mentioned the term when I talked to her about this feeling. She said that maybe a queer-platonic relationship is what I’m thinking of. She described it as kind of being a mid-point between friends and lovers, but with a distinct lack of any romantic feelings. Where you’re closer than just friends are, but you’re not quite lovers, either.’ Planet rushed out their explanation, out of breath and slightly gasping for air after having somehow gotten it out in one breath.
Putting his hand on Planet’s shoulder, Bacon looked them in the eyes. ‘Stop stressing yourself over it, dude. We can fit under the label, I- kind of feel the same, I think.’
After talking for a little longer, Bacon and Planet situated themselves comfortably under the label. As they talked, Planet tried to further discern and deconstruct their own feelings to know what they really felt and why, and even though Bacon didn’t care as deeply about his own feeling to a detailing degree, he still stayed, talking about it all with Planet until well after the sun had risen.
Spoke whacked a hand on top of Planet’s chest, jolting them back to the present as he mumbled something into the side of the pillow his face was buried in. “You thought so loud, it woke me up… Sleep, dumbass.”
Right. That was season 4, this was season 5. No need to dwell on the past.
Nevertheless, Planet snorted at the half asleep demand, giving a mostly sincere apology despite flicking the top of the voidling's forehead for it, only earning them a displeased whine as he scrunched up his face at the physical affliction.
Despite that, Spoke was right, they were thinking too much about things that had already passed. So they finally lay their head down on the soft pillow beneath, badly holding in a chuckle as Spoke’s arm immediately found their midsection. He was so clingy half the time, and he didn’t even notice it. It was honestly laughable at this point.
As their eyes fell closed, they knew tomorrow would be difficult, but they’d get through it. They always did. And they just knew Spoke would be okay in the end, for the kid was more of a fighter than he gave himself credit for.
All would be right in the end. Not being okay wasn’t an option, and the only way they could go from here was forwards.