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Levi mopped the floor vigorously, watching the mop wipe off all the dirt and grime from the soldiers dirty boots. He felt satisfaction in its truest form while he cleaned. It took his mind off of things.
But it also brought back memories. He remembered the way how E ren would haphazardly mop the floor, leaving watermarks, and miss out areas completely. To be honest, Eren was horrible at mopping the floor, but he was amazing at cleaning the windows and dusting, so Levi wouldn’t complain (too much).
But,it also reminded him of the first time Eren had touched his head. You see, Levi hates it when people try to pet him. He hated it because one, you never know where someone’s hands have been. What if they’re dirty? That’s disgusting. And to have their dirty fingers in his hair, playing with each strand? And mess with the hair he combed to perfection every morning? No thank you.
And two, well, a lot of the time, people are too rough. Their hands are too hard, ignorant to the fact that the hair is attached to his scalp and it hurts when they tug and pull. They assume because he’s “Humanities Strongest” he could take them man-handling his head. He could, but that doesn’t mean he likes it, and it certainly doesn’t mean they’re allowed to do it either.
Even Hanji, no matter how many times Levi has to tell them, not to fucking touch his head, they completely ignore him. It’s infuriating. Especially because their hands are always so dirty, so grimy because they never bathe. They never clean their hands, even when Levi reminds them to. They are so damn unhygienic he wonders why they’re friends.
Pshht, “friends”. (Levi refuses to admit that they are very close. He refuses to admit being close to this crazy freak, who adores titans, the things that eat human beings for fun. Can you see the reason why?)
Erwin wouldn’t dare to touch his hair because he knows he’ll lose the other arm too.
But back to Eren, and the first time his hand made contact with Levi’s hair. It wasn’t on purpose, at first; well, Eren didn’t touch his hair with the intention to pat him. He told Levi that he had something in his hair, maybe fluff from the bookshelf he was cleaning. Levi remembers the way how the hand gently caressed the hairs by his neck, feeling the way how it sifted through them like a warm summer’s breeze. He was so shocked, he stopped moving completely. Normally, by then, Levi would’ve grabbed the unfortunates fingers and threaten to snap them in half like twigs, but Eren was different. So different it took him by surprise. He almost wanted to lean into the touch but Eren drew back quickly, too quickly for Levi’s liking.
“Sorry Heichou, I just- Y’know- You had a piece of fluff and I just wanted to take it out quickly. I’m sorry for touching your hair without your permission.” Eren apologized quickly, looking slightly embarrassed and a little frightened. Not because he thought Levi would hit him or anything, he knew Levi would never do that sort of thing, but because he was afraid of Levi reacting bad to his touch. He knew he had overstepped some sort of comfort boundary.
But... he didn’t at the same time. Levi wanted more of his touch, but how could he admit that? Instead the smaller man grabbed his hand, and pulled it back to his hair. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. He guessed the look on his face said everything (judging by how hot his face felt in that moment).
That caused the spark between the two, and after that, everything fell into place. Eren would pat Levi’s head on a regular basis. Whether it was to get his attention, or just to comfort Levi in general, it didn’t matter. Levi secretly revelled in the way hair Eren’s warm (surprisingly) soft hands would sink into his hair and the way his nails would gently scrape his scalp sometimes. He revelled in the attention and didn’t regret a thing.
A choice without regrets, right?
Levi’s favourites though, would be when Eren would sneak up to meet Levi late at night, so they could cuddle together and just bask in the others warmth. Just adore each other in the faint light coming from the beautiful stars in the sky, and reflected by the big beautiful moon; but none could compare to the shine in Eren’s eyes. They would glow in the night, and shimmer in the sun; the colours forever shifting and changing to Eren’s surroundings and emotions. Levi adored them.
Just like anything else on Eren’s body. He loved his nose, his cute little button nose that got pink when he blushed or when he was cold. He loved his lips, which were soft and plump and looked like two sweets, ready to be devoured. He loved his ears, which were slightly pointed at the end and resembled the elves in the books Eren would bring to him regularly (Levi would later find out that Armin was the one supplying Eren with all those books). He loved everything about the other, and there is nothing he would change.
He remembered the look Eren would give him every time he would pat his head. The look was filled with so much love, Levi wondered if he deserved it. He wondered how he was able to be with someone so amazing; someone so incredible, and someone who was leagues above him- yet looked at him as if he was the best thing in his whole life.
Eren would say those types of things. He would whisper in his ear those three sweet words that would Levi a puddle of goo on the floor beneath him. He would murmur words that scrambled Levi’s stomach and leave him reeling. He would whimper beautiful phrases that left Levi breathless, gasping for air as he watched those eyes fill with tears. Fill with emotions that he would’ve never guessed were for him.
Him, and only him.
He loved watching those lips move and form his name. He loved hearing his name leave those lips, hearing the name given to him by his mother (his wonderful mother who he missed dearly. He wondered how she would react to Eren. He knows she would’ve loved him, she would’ve adored him) flow fluently from that sweet mouth and gave him shivers. He adored Eren so much, loved him so much, and needed him so much...
Levi needs Eren; just as much as Eren needed Levi. They need each other.
Levi knows he’s never loved another human as much as he loved Eren. And he knows he’ll never love another person as much as he loved Eren.
But, a choice with no regrets, right?
But a question popped up. A question he never knew would be answered so soon. The question appeared so suddenly, so surprisingly that it caught him off guard. The question left him spinning in circles, because it showed proof of the changes he has gone through in his life. The question revealed how dear this person, Eren, is to him, and he wondered how he let it happen.
After Farlan and Isabel, he swore to never let another person that close because he couldn’t deal with the heartache, he couldn’t deal with the trauma, the nightmares that would flock him night after night because he could’ve-no, he should’ve done something to save them, yet he didn’t.
What if it happened again?
One day was all it took. He can remember every detail of that day. The one day that changed everything all over again. He remembers how hard his heart thumped in his chest as he watched the Titan fall forwards. The whole body went limp and collapsed to the ground causing a small earthquake. But he couldn’t feel the earthquake; he couldn’t feel anything but panic and fear.
The same fear he felt as he watched the same thing in front of him, murder his family. But this so called “Monster” was not a monster at all. This time, the “monster” was his family; His hero.
His lover.
He remembers the wind, pulling him away from the destruction as if it was shielding him from the view. As if it knew what was coming up and was trying to protect the man, but how could he not go? What if there was a chance?
But deep down, he knew that there was no chance. He knew he had let history repeat itself.
He remembers holding the warm body in his hands as the steam came off of the person; except, the warmth was fading, ever so slowly in his arms and into the cold air above. He remembers clinging tightly onto the body, begging, pleading for another chance.
He didn’t want to let go, not this time. Not again.
He remembers those sweet, beautiful eyes crinkling for the last time. Those soft, hands petting his head for the last time, the last time...
That one final time, left him empty inside.
Now who will pet his head? Who will whisper those words into his ear? Who could he cuddle with at night? Who could he watch stars with?
Who would be his hero?
Who would be his one true love?
He remembers the hands on his head, combing through his hair with those gentle fingers, those loving touches. He remembers those soft lips, whispering enchanting words to him at night when it was cold. He remembers the tanned skin that spread warmth to the cold, pale skin that belonged to him.
Who would be his heater? The body he could cling onto when he needed?
He remembers the sweet memories that built up over a course of a few years. The memories he wishes to dream over again. The memories he turns to when he wants to cry. The memories he needs when the times are rough. Because in each of those memories is Eren.
Eren
Eren
Eren.
The first person to pat his hair without losing a finger. The first person he turned to when he felt touch-starved. But now that person is gone, and Levi feels lost. He has felt lost several times in his life, but he forgot. He forgot, and he wished he wasn’t reminded on a daily basis every time he sees the uniform that used to cover his lover’s skin every day.
The same uniform his lover was so proud to wear.
He wishes to turn back time, to go back to the moments when Eren would pet his head again; the times when Eren would smile at him again.
The time when Eren was alive.
Levi cursed. He felt the tears well up in his eyes, but he made no move to wipe them away.
He thought back to the question that had come to his mind, a few days before... that day, he knew the answer to it now.
“What would he do without Eren?”
He wouldn’t do anything. He couldn’t do anything. Not anymore. He’s useless now, making mistakes every two seconds, falling down everywhere, tripping up over nothing. His mind has become vacant, a void space; because he can’t think about anything without it connecting to Eren. He can’t breathe without Eren, how could he live? Maybe the question was a premonition? Maybe it was a sign. He could’ve-No. He should’ve done something, yet he didn’t.
Once again he didn’t.
Is this what love does to people? If this is the case, then should people really worship “Love” as much as they do?
Maybe... Because Levi can’t deny the happiness he felt in those moments. He can’t deny the joy and warmth he got from that period in his life, and he knew Eren loved him back. But does love make up for all the pain and suffering he got afterwards, anyway? Is it worth it?
Would he take it back? No.
He couldn’t. He wouldn’t dare.
Yet he still remembers the pain, so clearly. So crystal, as if it was only yesterday. It’s been years, goddamnit, why is the pain so fresh?
And that makes his heart hurt so much more. It makes his chest ache with pain-
Regret. Levi laughs bitterly.
Regrets, huh? He’s repeated the phrase so many times; he’s probably forgotten what it actually means. Because if he truly understood the words, why is he wondering what it’ll be like if he could turn back time? Why does he get so damn angry when he thinks about his previous actions?
And for once, Levi knows he has made a mistake. He did make a choice that day, and it wasn’t Eren. Maybe he’s just not made to be in relationships, or to have a family. Maybe he’s not someone who’s supposed to have friends.
Either way, it doesn’t matter. Levi knows he did wrong.
Levi made a choice and he picked the wrong one. Because of that choice, he lost the best thing in his life. You really don’t know what you have until you lose it.
So Levi doesn’t have the right to repeat those words anymore. Because his choice is now full of regrets, and there’s nothing he can do to change it.