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Kaira sat silently on the bed and ran her hands over the cold, empty space beside her; tears blurring her vision and falling steadily onto the white cotton sheet. Over the past couple of months, from the time she’d been released from hospital, Garrus had been pulling further and further away from her. She understood that civilian life was different to military life and that the transition could be stressful, but this wasn’t that. This was something else entirely… something she didn’t understand. And that scared her more than any reaper ever could.
“Hey, Kaira? You up there?”
Hearing Steve’s voice shouting up from the apartment’s lower floor, Kaira felt a pang of disappointment that it wasn’t the voice she was desperate to hear. Scrubbing her eyes with the heel of her hands she made her way into the en-suite bathroom and splashed cold water on her face.
“I’ll be right down, Steve. Make yourself at home.”
Checking her reflection for any visible signs of her distress and finding none she dragged a brush through her hair, threw on some clothes and made her way downstairs.
Walking straight over to her former shuttle pilot, she gave him a quick hug before pulling away again. “So what brings you here, Steve?”
Steve gave Kaira a once over, noting that she seemed to have lost even more weight since his last visit. And it didn’t look like she’d been sleeping to well either. “We’re worried about you. Liara says she hasn’t heard from you in over a week. And Jack’s still waiting to get a reply to the message she sent three days ago…”
Glancing at her laptop, Kaira noticed the green flashing light that told her she had unread messages. Thinking back she couldn’t remember the last time she’d switched the thing on, let alone checked her mail. And since when did Jack start messaging her?
Leaving Steve where he was standing she crossed the room to the small desk where her computer sat and switched it on. Entering her password she accessed her mail inbox and scrolled through until she found the messages from Jack. She also looked for anything from Garrus, but she didn’t hold out much hope.
Opening Jack’s most recent message she read the words on the screen… and felt her world come crashing down around her.
Hey! Girl Scout!
What the fuck’s going on with you and G?
The idiot’s been in Afterlife for two fuckin days now, drinking his miserable life away.
Get your ass down here and sort the bastard out!
Jack.
Slamming the laptop closed, she picked it up and hurled it across the room; smiling with some sort of sick satisfaction as it shattered against the wall. Steve watched her as she moved through the apartment grabbing clothes, credits, spare ammo and her shotgun and shoved them into a bag. After a couple of minutes, when there was no sign of her stopping, he grabbed her shoulders and turned her so she was facing him.
“Kaira? What is going on?”
For a few seconds Kaira tried to pull away from Steve, but her emotional state and a severe lack of food made her efforts futile. “He’s on Omega!” She clung to Steve’s arms, trying desperately to keep herself from drowning in a sea of despair that was quickly dragging her under. “The fucking bastard’s on Omega!”
Steve helped Kaira onto the sofa and sat down beside her. She didn’t recall collapsing, but evidently she had. “Who’s on Omega?”
Looking down at the floor, Kaira sighed heavily. “Garrus.” She took a deep breath, she looked up at Steve; tears streaming steadily down her face. “Things haven’t been right since I left the hospital. Garrus has been getting more and more distant. And now Jack says he’s on Omega, getting…”
“Then we’ll get you to Omega as quickly as we can.” Taking Kaira’s hands in his, Steve gave them a reassuring squeeze. “You found a way to stop the Collectors and the Reapers, so I’m pretty sure you can find a way to get through this.”
-x-
Perched on a stool by one of the bars in Afterlife, Garrus picked up the glass in front of him and drained the contents. He had no idea how long he’d been sitting there or how many drinks he’d had, and quite frankly he didn’t care. All he could think about was the conversation he’d had with the doctor the day Kaira was released from hospital. And the way she kept denying the doctor had told her anything.”
“Hey, Scars? I didn’t expect to find you on Omega. And where’s..?”
Noticing the display of empty glasses in front of Garrus that he had somehow missed until that moment, Vega took the seat next to him. “What’s going on, Scars?”
Garrus shrugged wearily. “I don’t know.” He rapped smartly on the bar to get the bartender’s attention and ordered another drink before saying any more. “Things aren’t right between me and Shepard. It feels like… it feels like I’m losing her.”
Now that he’d finally given voice to how he was feeling… how he’d been feeling since that day at the hospital, Garrus felt like he’d lost everything all over again.
James looked at Garrus for a second or two, then shook his head in disbelief. During his time on the Normandy he’d flirted shamelessly with Shepard, but he’d known nothing would ever come of it. She was too much in love with the turian sitting beside him for anything even remotely romantic to happen between the two of them.
“Then what the hell are you doing here? Why aren’t you out there fighting for her?”
Garrus shook his head. “I don’t know how.” He picked up the drink the bartender had placed before him, and downed it. “I know how to fight alongside Shepard, but I don’t… This is different.”
“Like hell it is!” Placing one hand on his friend’s shoulder, Vega used the other to sweep the collection of empty glasses onto the floor; ignoring the way the bartender scowled at him. “Lola fought for you, Garrus! She fought for you! For Archangel! For everyone! And this is how you repay her? By running away the moment things get a little difficult?” Taking a breath, he tried to compose himself. “Whatever it is you’re going through right now, I can guarantee you it’s a damn sight worse for her.”
By the time Garrus looked up again, Vega was gone. His final words, however, were still playing in the turian’s mind and Garrus realised he was right about everything. Shepard had been there for him when he’d needed her the most. She’d helped him track down Dr. Saleon and she hadn’t batted an eyelid when he’d taken down Sidonis, and those were just a couple of examples. She’d been there for him and he’d promised to be there for her. And now he’d broken that promise the moment things had become difficult.
Getting up off the stool, Garrus steadied himself against the bar before walking towards the doors and heading back to the small run-down apartment he’d been staying in. The way the alcohol was affecting him told him he’d drunk more than he thought he had, so he decided it was probably best if he slept things off and headed home the next day to try and sort things out with Kaira. At least then, if things didn’t work out, he would know he had tried… and hadn’t just run off like a coward.
-x-
Arriving on Omega, Kaira checked her inbox for what must have been the hundredth time. She’d sent Garrus a message before leaving home, but so far she’d received no reply.
Seeing her friend’s face fall, Liara pulled Kaira into a hug. “Don’t worry, Shepard. We’ll find him.”
Releasing Kaira from the hug and taking a step back from her, and hoping she looked a lot more encouraging than she felt at that moment, Liara smiled. On the journey there she’d practically force-fed Shepard energy bars (not the normal ones the Alliance gave to biotics, but the ones they gave to biotics who were severely malnutritioned) and she’d watched her retreat further and further into herself with each passing hour. She hated seeing her friend like this. And she hated even more knowing that there was only so much she could do to help her.
Leaving the docking bay, Kaira looked back towards the Normandy. In order to get her to Omega as quickly as possible, Joker had “stolen” the Alliance frigate again. And several members of the old crew had joined them to offer moral support, but it wasn’t the same without EDI.
“Lola? What are you…? Actually, don’t tell me. I think I can guess.”
Steve looked at Vega for a second then stepped forward, effectively placing himself between his old friend and Shepard. “Do you know something, Vega?”
Usually Steve wasn’t one for such bluntness, but he was the only one who’d witnessed Kaira’s breakdown at the apartment.
Vega sighed and dragged his hand down his face. “I saw Garrus in Afterlife last night. He was…”
Kaira caught Vega’s eye and felt all the air siphon from the room. If he said Garrus had been with someone else, she wasn’t sure she would have the strength to carry on.
“… He wasn’t in a good state. He’d been drinking. A lot. And kept talking about…”
Feeling the air rush back around her, Kaira stepped past Steve and planted a kiss on Vega’s lips. “Thank you. Do you know where he is?”
Vega blinked a couple of times as he tried to decide if what he thought had just happened had actually happened before managing to give Shepard any answer. “I spoke to him for a bit in Afterlife last night. He was still there when I left, but that’s all I know.”
Kaira was silent for a moment thinking. She now knew Garrus had still been on Omega the previous day and thanks to Kasumi’s hacking skills she knew no flights had left the space station in the past twenty three hours. Garrus was still on Omega somewhere, and now she had somewhere to start looking for him.
“Liara. Steve. Head back to the Normandy and wait for me there. I’m going to head to Afterlife and see if anyone there knows anything else.” She turned back to Vega. “Thanks again. I don’t know if you want to, but you’re free to join the others on the ship.”
-x-
Sitting up in the extremely uncomfortable bed, Garrus swung his legs over the side of it and thought longingly of his bed back home. Not that he felt he had any right to call the apartment home anymore.
Trying to ignore the pounding in his head he got to his feet and crossed the room to the small, dingy kitchen area and fished out a tube of dextro paste from one of the dilapidated cupboards. He hadn’t felt much like eating recently, but he made himself eat something nonetheless.
Checking his messages, something he did now more out of habit then necessity, before leaving the apartment he was surprised to find he had two he hadn’t read. Opening the older of the two and seeing it was from Vega, he deleted it straight away. The second one he was about to delete, thinking it was the same message from Vega again, but something stopped him. If he recalled things correctly, and he wasn’t sure he did seeing that each day he’d spent on Omega had rolled drunkenly into the next, Vega had been yelling at him and smashing glasses in Afterlife when the message had been sent.
Hesitantly, he opened the message and felt his breath catch in his throat as he stared at the words.
Garrus.
I know you probably don’t want to see me right now, but we need to talk… Please.
I’ll be on Omega tomorrow. In Afterlife.
All I’m asking for is a few minutes of your time.
Kaira.
Garrus re-read the message several times, then checked the date on it again.
Leaving the apartment, which in reality was barely more than one room and a barely functioning bathroom, he walked quickly towards the club. Kaira hadn’t specified what time she would be there, only that it would be today.
Halfway, feeling the excitement head first felt at reading the message transform into a heart-stopping, blood-curdling dread, Garrus slowed down. What if she was there just to say “goodbye”? Not that he could really blame her if she was.
After a moment’s hesitation, he set of towards the club again; his steps steady and determined. No matter what happened he owed it to Kaira… to the both of them, to listen to what she had to say even if he didn’t like what he heard.
-x-
Walking into Afterlife, Garrus spotted Kaira immediately. Seeing her there, seeing the way the light danced in her golden-brown hair, he felt like he’d been transported back to the day he’d seen her resurrected from the dead. The day she hadn’t just saved his sorry ass for the umpteenth time, but had given him the strength to keep going and made him believe that things were going to be alright. He wanted nothing more than to walk over to her, take her in his arms and tell her everything would be alright. But he just stood there, staring. His legs refusing to do what he wanted then to.
Closing his eyes for a couple of seconds, he found himself wishing he was back on the battlefield. There, he knew what to do. There he didn’t have to think. He acted solely on instinct; sensing rather than seeing where the enemy was.
“Garrus? We need to talk.”
Startled by the closeness of the voice, Garrus opened his eyes and looked down. Kaira was smiling up at him, but there was a sadness in her deep brown eyes he didn’t want to see there. Even more so because he knew it had been caused by him.
Nodding mutely, he allowed himself to be led back out of the club and towards the transport depot and climbed into one of the sky cars. It was only when they were nearing their destination that he took any notice of where they were. Kaira was taking them back to his, or rather Archangel’s old hide-out.
-x-
Landing the sky car she’d “borrowed”, with a little help from Kasumi, Kaira jumped out almost immediately and walked across the bridge before heading upstairs to the room where she’d found Garrus the last time she was there. About a minute later, Garrus stepped out of the vehicle and followed. Arriving at the upstairs room, he walked in and stopped. Kaira was kneeling on the floor with her back to him, her fingers trailing tenderly over a large patch of dried blood he knew was his.
“Kaira? I…”
Whatever he had been about to say died on his lips when Kaira looked up at him; tears flowing down her cheeks.
Standing up, she walked slowly to the low wall and looked out over the bridge. “The last time I was here I came very close to losing the only thing in my life that has ever really mattered to me. I need…” She took a deep shuddering breath, and continued. “I need to know if I’ve lost that now.”
Garrus crossed the room in a couple of strides. Stopping a short distance behind Kaira, he raised his hand towards her… then let it drop to his side again. He knew what he wanted to say, but he couldn’t get the words out. Not when so much was still unclear in his own mind.
Kaira turned slowly so she was facing Garrus. The faint blue-white haze flickering around her testament to the internal struggle she was fighting to retain some control over her emotions. “Before you… The last time we spoke, you said…”
“I know what I said, Kaira!” Walking away, deliberately putting some space between them, Garrus ran his hand frustratedly over his fringe. He didn’t want to lose his temper, but this whole situation had been weighing on his mind for so long now. “What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell me? Did you think I wouldn’t be able to handle the news or something?”
“Didn’t tell you what?” Kaira took a step towards Garrus, then stopped. She knew she was shouting, but she was beyond caring. “You keep saying that I must have known! That the doctor’s must have told me! But you won’t tell me what it is you think I’m supposed to know!”
-x-
Kaira staggered backwards, her mouth working silently and her heart hammering in her chest, until the back of her legs hit the low wall and she sank down to the floor. “That’s not…” She struggled to breathe; dragging air into her lungs like a drowning man who suddenly finds himself breaking through the surface of the water. “That’s not possible.”
Watching Kaira’s reaction, Garrus felt like someone had shoved a blade into his heart… and savagely twisted it. In all the years he’d known her, even right back when they’d been scouring the galaxy for Saren, she’d always put on a brave face in front of the rest of the crew no matter her true feelings. But with him, in private, she’d never hidden anything.
“Kaira, I’m…”
He fell silent. He’d been going to say “sorry”, but somehow that seemed woefully inadequate after two months of suspicion and mistrust… not to mention breaking his promise and abandoning her.
Still shaking from the news she’d just heard, Kaira got to her feet, walked over to where Garrus was standing and took one of his hands in both of hers. “I know, Garrus, but I still need to know if I’ve… if I’ve lost…”
Pulling his hand gently from Kaira’s grasp, Garrus looked down at her for a second before wrapping his arms around her and pulling her against him. He didn’t know how she could be so forgiving after everything he’d put her through, but he wasn’t going to question that now.
“No, Kaira, you haven’t…” Hooking his finger under her chin, he gently lifted her face until he could look directly into her eyes. “I know it’s not enough and it never will be, but I am sorry.”
Feeling the pressure of the past two months lift from her shoulders, Kaira let her head rest against Garrus’ chest. Enjoying the simple pleasure of him being there.
After a few minutes she stepped away from him and walked back to the low wall. She had some things she needed to ask, but she wasn’t sure how… or if this was even the right time.
“The doctor? What he told you?” She turned to find Garrus standing right behind her. The look on his face told her he knew what she was about to ask, but she asked anyway. “Was he absolutely sure?”
Garrus nodded slowly. “He showed me the scans from when you were first examined.”
Kaira was silent for a couple of minutes, thinking about all that had passed since the end of the war. She’d spent six months in hospital, four of them in a medically induced coma to give her body more chance to heal, and for ever day of that six months Garrus had been by her side. Then she’d been told she was well enough to go home (“home” that was such a strange word to her, and one that hadn’t held any real meaning until that moment) and she’d believed it was a new beginning for the two of them; a beginning away from all the death and blood-shed… And then everything had gone to hell. But maybe… maybe this was their new beginning?
Reaching up she placed her hand against the scarred side of Garrus’ face, smiling as he leant into her touch, and looked into the ice-blue eyes she’d always found so comforting. “How did it survive? I thought we were incompatible in that way? That even if anything did happen, my body would just destroy it?”
“The doctor wasn’t sure, but he thought it might have something to do with the cybernetics.” Lowering his head, Garrus touched his forehead to Kaira’s. “Or perhaps it’s just you, Shepard. You have made a name for yourself making the impossible, possible. Why should having a turian-human baby be any different?”
Kaira laughed for the first time in what felt like forever. “The Normandy’s waiting to take us home… if you’re ready?”
With more tenderness than any human had ever shown her, Garrus brushed a stray hair from Kaira’s face and tucked it behind her ear. “I think I’d like to stay here for a while longer. Just the two of us, with no-one scowling at me and telling me what an ass I am.”
“If they do, I’ll feed them to a thresher maw. Commenting on your ass is my job. And I’m not about to let anyone or anything take that from me again.”