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Chapter Text

Act I – The Disaster Begins

The Pleiades Watchtower was supposed to be a place of ancient wisdom, guarded by mysterious trials, dangerous traps, and one very large, very scary scorpion-woman who claimed to be the apprentice of the Great Sage.

In practice, it was mostly screaming.

“MASTER! MASTER!” Shaula’s voice cracked like a whip across the endless desert sky, her scorpion tail lashing down against the tower floor as she stomped after Subaru. “I don’t know who these losers are, but if they’re not you, THEY’RE ENEMIES!”

“Shaula, calm down!” Subaru waved his arms like a panicked traffic guard. “I am your Master! You literally just said it five minutes ago!”

Shaula squinted, leaned down, and sniffed Subaru’s hair. Then, without warning, she backhanded him, sending him flying into a wall.

“FAKE!” she roared.

“Subaru!” Emilia yelped, running to him.

“I’m fine—” Subaru croaked, now stuck in the brand new Subaru-shaped wall indentation. “Okay not fine, but still alive.”

“Stop! This is unacceptable, I suppose!” Beatrice flung up her little hands, summoning a volley of Minya crystals that fizzled harmlessly against Shaula’s body. “Betty won’t forgive anyone hurting Subaru, I suppose!”

“ADORABLE BUT USELESS,” Shaula replied, snatching Beatrice by the scruff of her drill-hair like she was a kitten.

“PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT, I SUPPOSE—!!”

Julius, sword already drawn, muttered, “This is rapidly becoming untenable.”

“Julius,” Ram deadpanned from behind him, arms folded, “our strategy seems to amount to shouting and bouncing off of her violently. However, in the case of Barasu it was quite entertaining.”

“I’m aware!” Julius replied.

Shaula loomed over them all, eyes blazing like desert suns. “If you’re not Master, you’re dead meat.”

“Oi oi oi oi, timeout!” Subaru voice rising up with each subsequent ‘oi’. “Why is she attacking me if I’m supposed to be her Master?! What kind of apprentice logic is that?!”

“Maybe you’ve lost your Masterly Aura Barasu,” Ram suggested dryly.

“That’s not a thing!” Subaru shouted.

Meili peeked from behind Emilia, chewing her finger nervously. “Um… Miss Shaula looks super scary. I don’t think my beasties wanna fight her.”

“Trust me, Meili,” Subaru wheezed, still stuck in the wall, “I don’t wanna fight her either—”

And that’s when Anastasia Hoshin cleared her throat.

Act II – The Merchant’s Gambit

“Now, now, everyone calm yourselves.” Anastasia adjusted her scarf, her hips swaying in the hot tower air. She looked completely unconcerned about the massive death-scorpion-woman looming above. “If brute force won’t work, perhaps a softer hand will.”

“Anastasia-sama, this is not the time for business pitches,” Julius said, voice tight.

“Business? Oh no, Julius-kun.” Anastasia’s lips curved. “I think this here’s a situation for negotiation.”

Shaula blinked. “Negotiation?”

“That’s right, sweetheart.” Anastasia stepped forward, hips swaying just enough to make everyone—including Beatrice, still dangling by her hair—pause. “You’re a mighty fierce gal, but I reckon underneath all that armor you’re just a lonely apprentice, huh?”

Shaula’s scorpion tail froze mid-swing. “…Lonely?”

“Oh gods,” Subaru muttered. “She’s doing the thing.”

“What thing?” Emilia asked, clutching his sleeve.

“The Anastasia thing! Where she starts talking like she’s selling you a house but somehow makes you question your entire life!”

“Betty demands to be put down before she’s forced to witness something unsightly, I suppose!” Beatrice wailed.

But Shaula was already leaning down, her emerald-green eyes narrowing at Anastasia. “…You don’t smell like Master.”

“Maybe not,” Anastasia said smoothly, tugging down her scarf just enough to show a coy smile. “But I don’t need to be Master. I just need to be someone who sees you for what you really are.”

“What I… really am?”

“A loyal girl, protectin’ her teacher’s legacy. Strong, beautiful, and maybe a little misunderstood.” Anastasia’s voice purred. “A gal who deserves to be admired, not feared.”

The entire group froze.

“…Is she seducing her?” Ram asked flatly.

“Yes,” Julius whispered. “Yes, she is Ram-san.”

“Why is that working?!” Subaru shrieked. He was still stuck in the wall.

Act III – The Great Seduction

Shaula, previously frothing at the mouth and threatening to kill them all, now looked like someone had complimented her dress at a ball for the very first time. Her scorpion stinger twitched nervously behind her.

“You… you think I’m… beautiful?” she asked, her voice suddenly very small.

“As a desert sunrise, darlin’.” Anastasia winked. “And twice as dangerous, if you’ve a mind for it.”

“Ohhh my goooooo—.” Subaru tried to move to grab his hair, realised he was stuck in the wall, and promptly fell out. He suddenly stood up, rubbing his back. “We are not doing this. We are NOT turning the scorpion guardian into Anastasia’s girlfriend!”

“Silence, Barasu.” Ram smirked faintly. “This is far more entertaining than your usual speeches, Barasu.”

“Shut up, Nee-sama! This is NOT the time!”

Echidna, muffled in scarf form around Anastasia’s neck, finally spoke. “You do realize, Anastasia, that you are attempting to pacify the Watchtower’s guardian through crude seduction?”

“Crude? Honey, this is art.” Anastasia patted her scarf affectionately.

“Absolutely farcical,” Echidna muttered, though there was a hint of reluctant intrigue in her tone.

“Look, sugarplum.” Anastasia leaned closer to Shaula, who now seemed caught between blushing and fainting. “You’re fightin’ us because you think we’re strangers to your Master. But ain’t it possible that your Master would want you to trust others? To open your heart? To… y’know…” she let the words drip like honey, “let someone hold your hand instead of smackin’ them into a wall?”

”Yeah listen to her Shaula,” Subaru muttered to himself, still massaging his own back, “you can’t smack people into walls. It fucking hurts.”

Shaula gasped audibly, completely ignoring/unable to hear Subaru’s targetted mutterings. “You… you’d hold my hand?”

“I’d do a lot more than that, darlin’.” Anastasia’s voice lowered seductively, and her eyes dimmed in a way that suggested sex may be on the table for the scorpion apprentice.

Subaru collapsed to his knees. “This is the worst timeline.”

Act IV – Everyone Loses Their Minds

“P-Pfft—Subaruu, your face!” Emilia giggled despite the chaos. “You look like you swallowed a bug.”

“I did! The bug is this entire situation!” Subaru flailed. “Why is Anastasia flirting us out of a boss battle?!”

“Because it’s working, Barusu,” Ram replied with a shrug.

“Master!” Shaula turned back to Subaru, pointing a shaky finger. “Is it true?! Do you approve of this fox-lady touching my heart?!”

“I DO NOT APPROVE!!” Subaru shouted instantly.

“Then I’ll kill her—”

“Wait wait wait, approved, approved!” Subaru backpedaled so fast he nearly tripped. “It’s totally fine, Shaula, I ship it! Date whoever you want!”

“SHIP IT?!” Beatrice screamed.

“Yes, Beako! We’re in a crack fic! Just roll with it!”

Meanwhile, Julius had sheathed his sword, looking like a man whose entire worldview had just been rewritten. “I spent years training to face trials with dignity, only to be upstaged by a merchant seducing a monster.”

“Welcome to my life,” Subaru muttered.

Meili tugged at Ram’s sleeve. “Um… Miss Ram, is this what love is supposed to look like?”

Ram tilted her head. “Yes. Terrifying and deeply inconvenient.”

”You’d know a lot about that, huh Nee-sama.” Subaru tried to tease the pink-haired oni.

”Shut up Barasu, your love life is so inconvenient you haven’t even slept in the same room as a woman.” Subaru raised his finger to interject before Ram cut him off, “Before you try and retaliate Barasu, no, Beatrice-sama doesn’t count.” Subaru’s finger immediately lowered.

Act V – The Deal is Sealed

By now, Shaula’s entire deadly aura had melted into something resembling a lovestruck maiden at a village festival. Her scorpion-tail braid drooped harmlessly behind her as she stared moon-eyed at Anastasia.

“If… if I help you all, will you… stay with me?” Shaula asked hopefully.

Anastasia’s smile was sharp as a dagger hidden in lace. “Course, sugar. We’ll stick together, you ‘n me. Conquer this tower, claim its knowledge, make the world ours. Just you and your foxy gal.”

“Ohhhhhh my god, she’s a final boss recruiter,” Subaru whispered in horror.

“Shaula obeys!” the scorpion woman declared, falling to her knees. “From this day forth, the Great Sage’s apprentice will also serve the Great Merchant of Love!”

“Catchy title,” Anastasia mused. “Needs workshopping.”

“Unbelievable…” Julius muttered.

Beatrice, finally dropped onto the floor, stomped her tiny foot. “Betty refuses to acknowledge this nonsense, I suppose! It’s shameful! Completely unbecoming! A disgrace, in fact!”

“Beako,” Subaru sighed, “just accept it. Anastasia seduced the scorpion. That’s canon now.”

“NEVER, I SUPPOSE—!!”

Beatrice suddenly had the urge to call Shaula a “filthy Kashira”. She stopped herself by biting her tongue down, because Subaru would probably call her a ‘racist’ again if she let her intrusive thoughts come out.

Emilia tilted her head. “…But if Shaula’s helping us now, isn’t that a good thing?”

Everyone stared at her.

“…What?” she asked innocently.

None could actually refute, because she was actually right.

Act VI – Epilogue: The Tower Falls

And so, against all odds, the dreaded guardian of the Pleiades Watchtower was pacified not by combat, clever tricks, or masterful speeches—

But by Anastasia Hoshin’s unparalleled lesbian-approved business-seduction skills.

From that moment onward, Shaula followed her around like a puppy, glaring death at anyone who so much as glanced Anastasia’s way.

“Mine,” she hissed at Julius when he offered Anastasia help.

“Mine,” she hissed at Subaru when he tried to argue strategy.

“Mine,” she hissed at Echidna, muffled in scarf form, who sighed and muttered, “How humiliating.”

And Anastasia? She just smiled like the cat who caught the canary.

“Well now,” she drawled. “I do believe this Watchtower’s under new management.”

The rest of the group groaned in unison.

Anastasia Hoshin, had successfully seduced the Great Sage’s Apprentice.

Chapter Text

The Apprentice’s Suggestion

The sand was far behind them now. The Pleiades Watchtower had been conquered—

not through blood and fire, not through trial and sword, but through seduction.

Specifically, Anastasia Hoshin seducing Shaula into putting down her fists and picking up a bouquet of metaphorical flowers.

Now, the victorious party was rattling along a road in a large carriage, bound back toward the capital. The inside was crammed shoulder-to-shoulder: Subaru wedged between Emilia and Beatrice, Julius sitting primly as though the rickety wheels didn’t exist, Ram with her usual air of disdain, Meili swinging her legs cheerfully, Anastasia lounging with elegance, and Shaula—still starry-eyed—squeezed in beside her.

It was quiet for a blessed moment.

Then Shaula said, far too loudly:

“I HAVE DECIDED!”

The carriage nearly tipped over.

“What did I do this time?!” Subaru yelped, hugging Beatrice to his chest like a seatbelt.

“You did nothing, Master!” Shaula beamed at him, braid snapping like a whip as she turned. “I have decided upon a solution to my… conflicted heart.”

“…Conflicted?” Emilia tilted her head.

“Yes!” Shaula declared. “On the one hand, Anastasia is my foxy goddess of commerce and love.”

“I don’t got a fox tail, honey,” Anastasia murmured, adjusting her scarf.

“On the other hand,” Shaula pressed on, “you, Subaru—Master—you are my eternal sun, my guiding star, the reason I exist!”

“…You literally tried to kill me yesterday,” Subaru muttered.

“That was tough love!” Shaula cried.

Ram pinched the bridge of her nose. “And now she’s going to say something stupid.”

“I SHALL MARRY YOU BOTH!” Shaula announced, slamming a fist against the carriage wall hard enough that Julius had to brace it from collapsing. “An open, polygamous relationship! Anastasia and Master, together with me, forever!”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT!!” Subaru’s voice cracked like he’d just been stabbed in the soul.

“I approve, I suppose,” Beatrice piped up immediately.

“WHAT?!” Subaru almost dropped her off his lap.

Beatrice crossed her arms, expression smug. “The more partners my contractor has, the more chance for children to raise, I suppose. Betty demands to be the Natsuki Family Guardian, I suppose.”

Subaru’s face went beet red. “B-Beako, you can’t just—!! Children?! You’re FOUR HUNDRED YEARS OLD, you can’t—!!”

“Children!” Beatrice repeated firmly, planting her tiny butt more squarely in his lap. “Betty has decided.”

“…I am going to throw myself back into the fucking desert,” Subaru muttered into his hands.

“Ummm…” Emilia raised a hand weakly. “But… wouldn’t that mean Subaru has two… um… lovers? Shouldn’t I be happy for him?”

“Correct!” Shaula pumped a fist. “Be happy, silver-haired half-elf girl! Our love will be wide as the desert and deep as the—”

“Wait, wait, wait—” Emilia interrupted herself, cheeks going pink. “But… why do I not want to be happy about it? Why do I want Subaru to… love me instead?”

The carriage went quiet.

“…Because you’re jealous Emilia-sama,” Ram said, completely deadpan.

Emilia’s face flamed. “J-J-Jealous?! No! I’m not—! I just—! I want—!”

Then, she slammed her hands on her knees, face suddenly determined despite how red it was. “Shaula said it was open, right?! So I’ll join too!”

Subaru exploded. “NOOOOO!!”

The Spiral of Madness

“Wait, wait, wait—hold on—time out! Red card! Yellow card! All the cards!” Subaru shouted, clutching Beatrice like a lifeline. “I am NOT joining an open polygamous desert cult!!”

“Oh, don’t be so stiff, sugar,” Anastasia purred, crossing her legs. “Ain’t like you gotta do all the heavy liftin’ alone. I wouldn’t mind spreadin’ the love… with all of us together.”

The way she said “all” made Julius choke on his own breath.

“I beg your pardon?!”

“Together?” Emilia blinked innocently. “Like… like a group picnic?”

“No, sweetheart,” Anastasia said with dangerous sweetness, “I mean we all get in bed and—”

“DO NOT FINISH THAT SENTENCE!!” Subaru screamed, slamming his palm against the carriage wall.

Meili tilted her head. “Um… is this like when big sis said some people like to share snacks, but it’s not about snacks?”

“YES, CHILD!” Subaru shouted. “EXACTLY THAT!”

“Uhhh…” Meili blinked. “I don’t get it.”

“Good,” Subaru growled.

Meanwhile, Shaula clutched her braid dramatically. “An open love! My Master, my fox-queen, and now the silver half-elf maiden! It is destiny! It is fate!”

“This is garbage. But it’s also Barasu’s suffering. I am strangely supportive of this,” Ram corrected.

Beatrice tugged Subaru’s sleeve. “Don’t pout, I suppose. Betty approves. Do your duty and give Betty children to raise.”

“Stop saying children like it’s an errand!!” Subaru yelled.

Julius Loses His Cool

“I…” Julius pinched the bridge of his nose, finally cracking. “I trained all my life as a knight. I honed my sword, my honor, my reputation. And now, I am stuck in a carriage listening to a scorpion-maiden propose a polygamous arrangement with a merchant, my friend, and the woman destined to be king.”

”We are BARELY friends Julius,” Subaru said with his usual sharpness towards the Knight of Knights.

Ram sipped from a teacup she had mysteriously conjured. “This is still less embarrassing than your duel with Barusu. You had to beat up a poor excuse for a Butler.”

“Why must you always bring that—?!” Julius began, then cut himself off with a strangled noise.

The Descent Into Chaos

“Fine! You know what?!” Subaru leapt up so suddenly Beatrice bounced in his lap. “I’ll say it clearly! I’m not okay with this! No open harem desert nonsense! No three-way, four-way, five-way polygon love! Just! No!!”

“Polygon love,” Ram repeated bluntly.

“Yes!! Polygon!! That’s what this is!!” Subaru flailed.

“Polygamy, Barusu.” Ram corrected.

“Don’t you dare grammar-check my nightmare!!”

Emilia twiddled her fingers, face scarlet. “B-But… if it’s open… and Shaula doesn’t mind… and Anastasia seems happy… then maybe… we could all…” She trailed off, steaming like a kettle.

“NOOOO!” Subaru cried. “EMILIA-TAN NOOOO!”

Anastasia smirked. “Honey, you’re just protestin’ too much. The boy doth resist too loudly, if y’catch my drift.”

“I DON’T DRIFT, I FUCKING CRASH!!” Subaru wailed.

“Subaru,” Beatrice said, patting his cheek with all the gravitas of a queen, “you’re embarrassing Betty in front of your future wives.”

“I’M GONNA DIE.”

The Final Blow

Shaula suddenly knelt in the cramped carriage, pressing her hands together like a supplicant. “Master! Please accept my heart! Marry me, and her, and her! We will conquer not only towers, but love itself!”

Emilia squeaked, hiding her face. Anastasia chuckled. Beatrice clapped like this was a coronation.

And Subaru? Subaru buried his face into Beatrice’s drills and sobbed.

“Someone please eject me from this carriage,” he moaned. “Just roll me under the wheels. End my suffering.”

Ram yawned. “Don’t tempt me Barasu.”

Julius stared at the ceiling, whispering a prayer to literally any god who would listen.

Meili raised her hand timidly. “So… um… does this mean we’re all gonna be one big family?”

“Yes,” Beatrice declared firmly.

“No!!” Subaru shrieked.

“Yes,” Shaula cried.

“Yes,” Anastasia purred.

“Yes,” Emilia admitted with a tiny squeak.

“…Polygon,” Ram concluded.

“POLYGON!!” Subaru screamed, voice cracking.

The carriage rattled on into the horizon, bursting at the seams with chaos, while Julius quietly debated throwing himself into the desert instead.

Chapter Text

Act I – The Arrival

The carriage clattered into the capital gates with all the grace of a drunken ground dragon. Inside, Subaru was still curled in the fetal position, muttering “Polygon… polygon… polygon…” while Beatrice gently patted his hair like a nurse attending to a trauma patient.

Shaula, by contrast, was radiant, practically glowing with her newfound determination. Her long braid snapped with every bounce of the wheels, like the stinger of a scorpion prepared to kill at the mere hint of disrespect.

Her proclamation was still echoing in everyone’s ears:

“I SHALL MARRY MASTER AND THE FOXY GODDESS! AND OUR SILVER MAIDEN TOO, IF SHE SO DESIRES!”

Nobody had managed to talk her down. Nobody wanted to try.

By the time the carriage stopped, Emilia was still flushed, Anastasia was humming happily, Julius was praying silently, and Ram was preparing insults to last the week.

The moment they stepped out, the two camps were waiting.

Act II – The Camps

On one side, the Emilia Camp:

• Emilia herself, still unsure if she’d just agreed to a desert harem pact.
• Subaru, who looked like someone had taken his soul and run it through a blender. Well, more than usual.
• Beatrice, smug and self-satisfied.
• Otto, already pale with dread.
• Garfiel, cracking his knuckles, suspicious of everything.
• Ram, standing at the back with her arms folded.
• Frederica, polite but confused.
• Petra, waving enthusiastically, unaware of the storm about to hit.
• Roswaal was, mercifully, unavailable, which meant slightly fewer migraines for everyone.  

(And less pain for me the writer, I hate writing Roswaal).

On the other side, the Anastasia Camp:

• Anastasia, smiling sweet as honey and twice as dangerous.
• Julius, resigned to disaster.
• Ricardo, arms crossed, tail flicking, already muttering about “weird vibes.”
• Mimi, bouncing up and down yelling “Gaaarfiiieee!!”
• Hetaro, wringing his hands nervously.
• Tivey, sighing as if his very soul had aged a decade.

Both groups eyed each other warily, like cats shoved into the same cage.

And then Shaula strode between them.

“ATTENTION, FUTURE FAMILY MEMBERS!” she bellowed. “I HAVE COME TO ANNOUNCE OUR UNION!”

The silence that followed was so heavy, you could hear Subaru’s spirit crack.

Act III – The Proclamation

“Union?” Garfiel narrowed his eyes. “Oi, what the hell does ‘union’ mean? Ma’ amazin’ self don’t like the way yer usin’ it, lady.”

“Union of love!” Shaula cried, throwing her arms wide. “For I, Shaula, apprentice of the Great Sage, declare that Master Subaru, Lady Anastasia, and Lady Emilia must join me in sacred open matrimony! Therefore—” she jabbed a finger at both camps—“your groups must merge as one! An unbreakable alliance!”

The crowd erupted.

“WHAT?!” Otto screamed, voice cracking like glass.

“Polygamy and politics…” Julius groaned, already exasperated from the carriage ride here.

“Ohhh my god, it’s happening,” Subaru whispered in despair.

“Betty approves,” Beatrice said instantly, puffing her chest. “Twice the camp means twice the chance of babies, I suppose.”

“STOP SAYING BABIES, BAEKO!!” Subaru shrieked.

Emilia clasped her hands together nervously. “Um… but… if Shaula says it’s open… maybe it would be wrong to say no?”

“Emilia-tan, no!!” Subaru pleaded.

“Emilia, yes I suppose!!” Beatrice snapped.

Anastasia just laughed behind her scarf. “Well now. Looks like the apprentice has quite the business sense. More camps means more resources. I don’t mind sharin’.”

“SHARING IS NOT LOVE, IT’S COMMUNISM!” Subaru barked.

“I don’t even know what communism is, but I feel I don’t like it very much,” Otto mumbled, already scribbling furiously in his notebook.

Mimi raised her hand. “Does this mean we all get to live in the same big house?! Like one super camp?! That sounds AWESOME! We can have pillow fights every night!”

“Pillow fights with Shaula?” Hetaro deadpanned. “We’ll be lucky to survive.”

Shaula grinned, showing too many teeth. “I play rough.”

Everyone shivered.

Act IV – Negotiations

The two camps gathered in the Miload Mansion main hall, forced into a round table meeting. Subaru sat hunched in his chair like a condemned man, Beatrice perched smugly in his lap. Emilia kept sneaking glances at him, cheeks pink. Anastasia crossed her legs and smiled knowingly.

“Right,” Ricardo said finally. “I want this straight. The giant scorpion lady says she’s marryin’ our boss and yer boy, plus yer candidate. And we’re supposed to just… roll with it?”

“Yes,” Shaula said.

“No,” Subaru said.

“Yes,” Beatrice said.

“Yes,” Anastasia added.

“Yes?” Emilia squeaked.

“Nooo!!” Subaru howled.

“Look, Barusu,” Ram said, smirking, “whether you like it or not, this woman could kill us all in seconds. If she wants our camps merged, we merge.”

“She’s right,” Julius admitted, shame etched on his face. “The Watchtower taught us not to underestimate her.”

“Damn straight!” Shaula flexed her arms. “I’ll sting any dissenter!”

“You don’t even have a stinger in this form,” Otto muttered.

“I’LL FIND ONE.”

Otto screamed and hid behind Garfiel.

Garfiel bared his teeth. “Oi, if ya think I’m lettin’ some desert bug boss my Cap’n around—”

“QUIET!” Shaula barked. The walls rattled. Garfiel sat back down instantly, muttering curses.

Act V – Beatrice’s Blessing

“Betty says it’s fine, I suppose,” Beatrice declared, tugging Subaru’s sleeve like a mother scolding her child. “Two camps means more security for Subaru, and more stability for Emilia. If there’s romance on top of it, Betty will allow it.”

“Allow it?!” Subaru gawked. “You’re my daughter, not my marriage counselor!”

“I’m your daughter and future Natsuki Family Guardian, I suppose.”

“THAT IS NOT A TITLE!!”

”Yet, I suppose.”

But Beatrice had spoken, and her smug tone made it clear she would brook no dissent.

Act VI – Emilia’s Crisis

Emilia finally spoke, her voice soft. “I… I don’t know why, but… when I think of Subaru being with Anastasia, my chest hurts.” She pressed a hand to her heart. “But when I think of him being with Shaula… it hurts too. But Shaula said it’s open. So… maybe if I join, I won’t hurt anymore?”

The table went silent.

Subaru nearly fell out of his chair. “E-Emilia-tan, don’t say things like that so casually!!”

Her face went red. “W-Why not? If everyone else gets to say crazy things, why can’t I?!”

“…She has a point Barasu,” Ram muttered.

“No she doesn’t!!” Subaru cried.

Anastasia smirked. “I wouldn’t mind Emilia joinin’. I’m quite fond of silver hair. Quite erotic if you ask me.”

“STOP RECRUITING MY CRUSH INTO THE DESERT POLYGON AND SHUT IT!!” Subaru screamed.

He then suddenly calmed down, “Anastasia-san, please don’t say such things, there are children here.” He refers to the triplets, Meili, Petra, Garfiel and Beatrice.

“Betty is over four hundred years old, I suppose—!” She was indignant, she was not a child!

She was then immediately silenced.

Subaru started patting her head and she blushed furiously. It was extremely effective. Betty loves her Subaru’s head pats in fact.

Act VII – The Chaos Triplets

“Polygon?” Mimi tilted her head. “What’s a polygon?”

“It’s like a shape,” Tivey sighed. “But apparently also our lives now.”

“Yay shapes!!” Mimi cheered. “Can I be a triangle?!”

“You’re already obtuse,” Tivey muttered.

“Rude!!” Mimi kicked him under the table.

“Can I be a rhombus?” Hetaro asked nervously.

“No one wants to be a rhombus,” Julius said, massaging his temple.

“I DO!!” Hetaro squeaked.

“…Fine. You’re a rhombus.”

Act VIII – Otto Breaks

At last, Otto slammed his palms on the table. “This is madness! Absolute madness! Camps merging for political gain, I can understand. Camps merging because a scorpion-maiden insists she wants to marry our candidate and her knight, as well as a rival candidate?! That’s insanity!”

Shaula’s eyes glowed.

“BUT OF COURSE WE’LL AGREE!!” Otto shrieked instantly, backpedaling so fast he nearly fell out of his chair. “TOTALLY FINE, NO PROBLEM, LOVE POLYGONS, BIG FAN!!”

“…Coward,” Garfiel muttered.

Act IX – The Final Vote

Eventually, Anastasia cleared her throat. “Well, reckon we’d better make it official. Shall we put it to a vote?”

“Why are we voting on my love life?!” Subaru demanded.

“Because you’re not in charge Barasu. And because you deserve it,” Ram said simply.

“Betty votes yes, I suppose,” Beatrice said immediately.

“Of course ya do Baeko,” Subaru groaned, however was still patting her head.

“Ricardo votes… hell, fine, yes. Better than gettin’ stung.”

“Mimi votes yes because shapes are fun!”

“Hetaro votes yes because Mimi thinks shapes are fun!”

“I vote yes, the Boss would benefit from this alliance,” said the third triplet.

“Ram votes yes. Barusu’s suffering brings me joy.”

“Ma amazin’ self votes no!!” Garfiel barked.

“Shaula votes yes! Obviously!”

“Anastasia votes yes, sugar.”

All eyes turned to Emilia. She wrung her hands, blushing furiously. “…I… I vote yes.”

Subaru slammed his head into the table.

“Motion carried,” Julius said grimly. “The camps merge.” He genuinely felt sorry for his friend.

This, is what’s going on in Subaru’s mind at the very moment, the motion carried:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! 

Act X – The Aftermath

And so, against all reason, logic, and dignity, the Emilia Camp and Anastasia Camp merged into one mega-alliance:

The Polygon Camp. 

(Name courtesy of Mimi Pearlbaton)

Subaru wept.

Beatrice celebrated in his lap, wiping away his tears.

Shaula gloated.

Anastasia winked.

Emilia tried not to faint from blushing.

Julius prayed for death.

Ram smirked.

Otto suffered.

Garfiel threatened to punch someone.

Ricardo drank.

The triplets argued about who was which shape.

Petra started planning a joint maid schedule.

Meili was fairly confused but stood next to Petra smiling.

And Frederica simply sighed, she was slightly amused.

In simple terms:

Subaru Natsuki is fucking cooked.

Chapter Text

Act I — A Short Carriage Ride

The carriage rattled through the cobbled streets of the capital, the freshly merged “Emilia-Anastasia Mega Camp” squeezed inside like a traveling circus that had given up on dignity. Subaru sat slumped in the corner with Beatrice in his lap, patting her head as if she were his emotional support plushie.

“I suppose Subaru should keep petting Betty until the storm passes, in fact,” Beatrice murmured, closing her eyes and puffing her cheeks in satisfaction.

“That’s easy for you to say, Baeko,” Subaru hissed, glancing at the other passengers. “Some people in this carriage want to kill me with affection. And not the cute kind—like—‘Oh wow, Subaru-san is my master and also my boyfriend and also my family pet,’ affection. It’s killing me.”

Shaula leaned forward, braid swinging like a loaded whip. “Master, you’re exaggerating. You only have two lovers now. Or, wait, was it three? Eh, whatever, I already told you—it’s open! Easy solution!”

“Easy solution for you! For me it’s a slow-motion execution!” Subaru banged his head on the wooden wall. “And what’s with merging the camps? Emilia Camp and Anastasia Camp are two completely different flavors! You don’t just pour apple juice into wine and call it a beverage!”

Across from him, Anastasia crossed her legs daintily, Echidna-scarf curling smugly around her shoulders. “Now, now. Shaula made a compelling argument. If she’s not satisfied, she’ll throw tantrums. And frankly, I value my neck too much to test how serious she was. Besides—” she leaned forward, voice dripping honey, “—two camps together means more assets, more manpower, and more… intimacy opportunities.”

“Stop looking at me when you say intimacy! What do you wanna do to me?!” Subaru shouted.

“It’s simple Natsuki-kun, I want to get on all fours while you grab my hips from behind and rail—” Anastasia purred before getting cut off by a flustered Subaru.

“SHUT UP ANASTASIA!!”

Emilia, who had been fiddling with her hair nervously, suddenly blurted: “W-Well… if Shaula says it’s okay, and Anastasia agrees, then I—I think I’ll also… stay. Because… because Subaru deserves to be loved properly, right? And… I want to be part of that too.”

Silence.

Subaru’s soul left his body.

Ram gave a long sigh, as if watching the most boring comedy routine ever. “Barusu, only you could attract such idiocy. How utterly pathetic.”

Meili piped up, twirling her hair. “Wow… onii-chan, you’re like a walking harem manga. Do you also get nosebleeds when the girls fall on top of you? Heehee.”

“Don’t tempt fate, kid…” Subaru muttered.

“Why did I even teach you what that meant…”, he sighed while pinching his nose.

But he wasn’t done. He had one last trump card. One final bullet in the chamber.

Act II — The Savior Arrives

Later that afternoon, Subaru cornered the most reliable person he knew. The one man who could cut through this nightmare with the clean slice of justice itself.

“Reinhard! Buddy! Pal! God incarnate! Help me!”

The red-haired Sword Saint tilted his head, smiling patiently. “Of course, Subaru. What seems to be troubling you?”

“What’s troubling me?” Subaru grabbed his shoulders, shaking him like a maraca. “I’ve been forced into a polygon camp! A polygon camp, Reinhard! It’s like a love triangle, except the triangle had a baby with geometry homework and became a love icosagon! You’ve gotta get me out!”

Felt, standing with arms crossed, raised an eyebrow. “Oi, big bro, are you seriously whining about too many girls liking you? What are you, twelve?”

“Yes! Mentally I am!” Subaru cried. “Help me before I suffocate in affection and innuendos!”

Reinhard, looking thoughtful, folded his hands. “If you are in distress, then I shall do my utmost to bring resolution. Please, take me to this… polygon camp.”

Subaru grinned, relief flooding him. “Finally! Justice is real! Thank you, Reinhard!”

Little did he know.

Act III — The Camp of Madness

The grand hall of the Miload Manor was packed. Both camps—now merged—sat together at one long table, creating the single most awkward dinner in history. Emilia sat near Subaru, hands folded in her lap, sneaking little jealous glances. Anastasia sat across from them, sipping wine with all the calm of a shark that smelled blood. Shaula clung to Anastasia’s arm, but her braid occasionally shot across the table to poke Subaru in the shoulder.

Beatrice sat in Subaru’s lap, eating pudding like a queen.

And then Reinhard entered.

“Everyone, please remain calm,” Reinhard announced. “I, Reinhard van Astrea, have been asked to mediate this… complicated situation.”

“Complicated is one word,” Julius muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Subaru leapt up. “Yes! Reinhard, this is perfect. Just tell them! Tell them polygamy harems are a bad idea, that this polygon nonsense is a crime against love itself, and that Subaru Natsuki is just a simple man who wants a simple relationship with his Emilia-tan!”

“Mhmm.” Reinhard nodded gravely. “I understand.”

The room went quiet.

Reinhard placed a hand on his chest. “Then… if the only solution is to share the burden of your affections, Subaru, I shall stand with you. I will join as your co-husband.”

The silence broke into chaos.

“EH?!” Subaru’s scream cracked glass. “No, no, no, no! Reinhard, that was the exact opposite of what I asked!”

Emilia clutched her head. “W-Wait… so Reinhard is… also…?”

Anastasia nearly spat out her wine, then started laughing so hard Echidna-scarf had to slap her back. “Oh-ho! Oh, this is even better than I imagined.”

Shaula squealed, leaping onto the table. “Yes! Master’s harem just leveled up! We got Reinhard DLC!”

“Barusu,” Ram said flatly, “you truly are the most worthless man alive. Even your attempts to escape only deepen the pit you’ve dug.”

Subaru slammed his head on the table. “Reinhard… buddy… why?!”

Reinhard, expression utterly earnest, replied: “Because I would never abandon you, Subaru. If sharing in this bond relieves even a fraction of your suffering, then that is my duty as your friend.”

“Your friend?!” Subaru howled. “Friends don’t join each other’s harems!”

Act IV — The New Polygon Expands

And thus, the Polygon Camp gained a new member.

Anastasia immediately took advantage. “So, does that mean the Sword Saint is fair game too? Because I wouldn’t mind expanding the horizons. Just imagine it—Reinhard, Subaru, Shaula, Emilia, and little ol’ me sharin’ a bed. Why, we’d be the envy of the capital.”

Shaula pumped a fist. “Woo! Open harem means everyone’s invited! Let’s goooo!”

Emilia’s eyes went wide. “W-Wait, Anastasia, you can’t just—just—expand like that! This is supposed to be about Subaru and me and… well… the rest, too. But Reinhard is…”

Her voice trailed, cheeks heating. She glanced at Subaru, then Reinhard, then Subaru again. Something unpleasant twisted in her chest.

“Jealousy?” Echidna-scarf whispered, ever so smug.

Emilia nearly dropped her fork. “I-I’m not jealous!”

“You definitely are, I suppose,” Beatrice said around a mouthful of pudding. “But Betty approves of Reinhard as co-husband. Two fathers means double the chance for babies, I suppose. Betty will raise them all, in fact.”

Subaru buried his face in his hands. “I’m not making babies with Reinhard, Baeko!”

“Of course not,” Reinhard said soothingly. “We would each take turns, I assume. Fair rotation.”

The scream Subaru unleashed that night was heard three villages away.

Act V — Felt’s Interruption

Felt had been watching from the sidelines, face twisted between disgust and amusement. Finally, she slammed her hands on the table.

“Alright, enough! This whole thing is stupid! Reinhard, you don’t need to marry Subaru, or anyone here. You’re the damn Sword Saint! You’ve got better things to do!”

Reinhard blinked innocently. “But Lady Felt, if Subaru requests my help, I cannot ignore him.”

“I didn’t request THIS!” Subaru shrieked.

Felt pointed at Subaru. “And you—stop acting like you don’t secretly love this attention. You’re eating it up big bro.”

“I am dying! Not eating!” Subaru wailed.

Felt groaned. “This is hopeless. You’re all hopeless.”

Anastasia raised her glass again. “To hopelessness, then. May our polygon camp prosper.”

Everyone except Subaru cheered.

Act VI — Polygon Camp Forever

Over the following days, the merged camp began to operate under its new reality. Reinhard, true to his word, took his duties as “co-husband” very seriously. He followed Subaru everywhere, politely holding doors for him, pouring his tea, and occasionally making suggestions like:

“Shall we discuss chore rotation for our shared wives, Subaru?”

“WE DON’T HAVE SHARED WIVES!” Subaru would scream back.

Shaula hung off Anastasia’s arm like a barnacle, but every five minutes she’d remember “Oh yeah, Master!” and leap back onto Subaru, only to get smacked away by Beatrice for jostling her seat.

Emilia wrestled with strange feelings every night, wondering why seeing Subaru and Anastasia laugh together made her chest ache. She tried convincing herself it was fine—after all, this was an open harem. She had joined willingly. So why did she want to steal Subaru’s smiles just for herself?

Anastasia noticed immediately, of course. And teased her mercilessly.

“Oh my, Emilia. You’re staring again. Careful, or Subaru will think you’re obsessed.”

“I-I’m not!” Emilia blushed. “I just—! I… love him, that’s all!”

“Then you’ll need to work harder, won’t you? In an open camp, affection is a competition,” Anastasia purred.

Subaru’s life became a nightmare.

Act VII — Subaru’s Last Stand

One night, Subaru gathered everyone in the living room.

“Alright. Enough’s enough. I’m drawing the line here. This polygon harem insanity has gone on too long. I am not sharing a bed with Reinhard. I am not fathering 87 babies for Beatrice to raise. And I am not entertaining Anastasia’s weird suggestions about group—” he choked, unable to finish. “You know what she said.”

Everyone stared.

Shaula raised her hand. “So… what’s your solution, Master?”

“My solution,” Subaru declared, standing tall, “is divorce. I am divorcing the polygon camp!”

Gasps filled the room.

“You can’t just divorce the whole camp, Barusu,” Ram said. “This is the only thing you’ve ever been good at—being pathetically surrounded.”

Emilia’s eyes filled with tears. “Subaru… do you really want to leave me?”

Subaru froze. His heart cracked. “N-No! Emilia-tan, not you! Never you!”

Anastasia smirked. “Then you’ll stay.”

Reinhard placed a hand on his shoulder. “Do not worry, Subaru. I shall stand with you, husband.”

Subaru collapsed to the floor, twitching. “I… I’m never getting out… am I?”

Beatrice patted his head. “Never, I suppose. But Betty will always be here to protect you. Even from love polygons, in fact.”

The entire camp raised their glasses.

“To Polygon Camp!”

Subaru let out the scream of a man whose life had ended long ago. 

All he could ask is:

Would his parents be proud of what’s happened to him?

Chapter Text

The Miload Mansion was supposed to be a refuge.

For Subaru, it had become a living nightmare.

What was once Emilia’s quiet domain had been transformed into the beating, chaotic heart of the Polygon Camp — a name Shaula had gleefully screamed at the top of her lungs the first morning after moving in, as though branding the household with cosmic inevitability. (Every reader, thank Mimi for such a wonderful name for this camp). Every corner of the estate carried evidence of its bizarre new occupants: Shaula leaving long braids of her hair hanging over banisters like territorial markings, Anastasia claiming whole sitting rooms as “neutral zones for polyamorous negotiations,” Reinhard being roped into “husband duties” he never signed up for, and Emilia trying very hard to look happy about everything while secretly burning with a feeling she couldn’t define.

And Subaru? He was dying inside.

Act I — Subaru’s Desperation

“Okay, listen, everyone,” Subaru said, hands gripping the edge of the long dining table. His hair was frazzled, his eyes bagged, his heart shattered. Beatrice sat firmly in his lap, sipping tea like an immovable queen, her twin-drills bouncing as she swung her little legs. “This has to stop. I mean it. Polygon Camp was never supposed to exist. I just wanted a quiet life with Emilia-tan, and maybe, maybe, Rem if she ever wakes up. But this?” He gestured broadly. “This is a death march into madness!”

Across the table, Shaula gasped, clutching Anastasia’s arm dramatically. “Master! How could you betray our sacred poly bond?!”

“Don’t you DARE call it sacred!” Subaru barked.

Anastasia tilted her head, that sly merchant’s smile playing at her lips. “Now, now, Natsuki-kun. You sound just like a lad who’s been given three thick cakes an’ complains he can’t finish ‘em. Share the wealth, hm?”

”DONT SAY IT LIKE THAT ANASTASIA!” Subaru screamed.

”Like what…?” Anastasia said suggestively.

Subaru sighed like a man who had let death claim him long ago (because he has but that’s besides the point).

Reinhard cleared his throat awkwardly, polishing an already immaculately polished sword. “I… still don’t understand how I became a co-husband.”

“You said, and I quote, ‘I’ll help in any way I can,’” Subaru snapped. “And somehow the women translated that as ‘please make me joint husband number two.’”

Emilia, sitting beside Subaru, clutched her teacup with trembling fingers. “Subaru… shouldn’t you be happy? You’re loved by so many. Isn’t that… wonderful?” She smiled, but it was thin, almost painful. “But… but why do I feel like I don’t want to share you at all?”

“Emilia-tan…” Subaru whispered, clutching his chest. His heart nearly exploded from her cuteness — but before he could comfort her, Beatrice jabbed his chin.

“Don’t get carried away, I suppose. If you limit yourself to one, Betty’s odds of children are cut drastically.”

“NOT HELPING, BAEKO!” Subaru shrieked.

Julius, dignified as ever, adjusted his gloves. “If I may, this situation is already beyond comprehension. Your insistence on involving Reinhard was the worst tactical decision imaginable.”

“Shut it, Julius! You weren’t supposed to agree to any of this either!”

“Technically, I didn’t. I merely stopped resisting.”

Shaula smirked and wrapped her long braid around Anastasia’s shoulders like a tail. “Face it, Master. Polygon Camp is destiny. We’re eternal now!”

“No we’re not!” Subaru slammed his head onto the table. “We’re dissolving this stupid camp. Right now. And I know exactly who can help me.”

Act II — The Karsten Gambit

The very next morning, a carriage arrived. Out stepped the regal, green-haired figure of Crusch Karsten, immaculate as always, her poise radiating authority. Beside her, Felix Argyle trotted lightly, tail swishing.

“Subaru-dono,” Crusch greeted with calm dignity. “Your letter was… unconventional.”

Felix grinned, holding up the folded parchment Subaru had scribbled overnight in near-insanity. “Nyaahaha! He wrote, ‘Please save me from the Polygon Harem, I’m begging you, Lady Crusch, you’re my only hope.’ Can you believe it, nya~?”

“Felix!” Subaru turned bright red. “You weren’t supposed to read it out loud!”

“Too cute not to, nya~.” Felix winked. “Honestly, Subaru-kyun, I never thought I’d see ya buried in ladies like this. Some men’d kill for your problem.”

“It’s not a blessing, it’s a curse!” Subaru yelled.

Crusch folded her arms. “Explain from the beginning.”

And so Subaru poured his soul onto the courtyard flagstones: Shaula declaring him her “master” then also clinging to Anastasia, Anastasia fanning the flames with innuendos, Emilia torn between jealousy and duty, Reinhard somehow being co-husbanded, and the whole Miload Mansion turned into Polygon HQ.

Crusch listened without interrupting. Her sharp golden eyes betrayed no reaction, but Felix was visibly shaking with laughter, muffling “nyahaha” noises behind his hands.

Finally, Subaru clasped his hands together and dropped to his knees. “Please, Lady Crusch. I know you’re an honourable, rational person. You can help me dismantle this harem insanity. End Polygon Camp and restore order! You’re the only one I can trust!”

A long silence stretched. Everyone leaned forward.

Then Crusch exhaled softly. “Subaru-dono… you are mistaken about one thing.”

“Huh?”

“I do not wish to dismantle Polygon Camp.”

“…what?”

The next words shattered Subaru’s soul.

“I wish to join it.”

Act III — The Betrayal

Subaru’s scream echoed across the gardens, sending birds scattering. “WHYYYYY?! Crusch-san! You were supposed to be the chosen one! The anti-harem general! You were supposed to vanquish the dark side, not join it!”

Felix howled with laughter, clutching his stomach. “Nyahaha! Oh, Su-baru, your face! It’s priceless! I shoulda brought a mirror, nya~!”

Crusch, unshaken, stepped closer. Her voice was even, but her eyes softened. “I’ve admired you for some time, Subaru-dono. Your courage, your reckless heart, your devotion. I lacked the words until now. But if the world itself has opened such… an arrangement, then I shall not deny myself any longer.”

“B-but…” Subaru’s jaw flapped helplessly. “You… you like me?”

“A crush,” Crusch admitted smoothly. “For quite some time.”

“Stop making puns!” Subaru howled.

Behind him, Shaula leapt onto a bench, pumping her fists. “YEEEES! Polygon Camp grows stronger! Welcome, green-hair one of honour!”

Anastasia smirked, covering her mouth with one gloved hand. “Ara. I didn’t think you had it in you, Karsten-san. But the more the merrier, hm?”

Emilia stared wide-eyed at Crusch, her stomach twisting. “She… likes Subaru too? But… but I…”

Beatrice, sipping more tea in Subaru’s lap, nodded approvingly. “Another candidate for children, in fact. Betty is pleased, I suppose.”

“BAEKO, PLEASE!” Subaru begged.

Reinhard blinked, confused. “Am I… still a co-husband?”

“Yes, obviously,” Shaula said, patting his shoulder. “Polygon rules. Once you’re in, you’re in.”

“This isn’t the Witch’s Cult! But we’re getting awfully close and I hate it!” Subaru cried.

Ram appeared from the shadows (as she tended to), setting down a tray of teacups with absolute deadpan. “Barusu, you bring shame to this mansion.”

“Like I asked for any of this?!”

“Even worse,” Ram continued, “you brought Karsten-sama into it. Disgusting.”

“Not helping either, Ram!”

Act IV — Roswaal Reacts

It was at that moment that a flamboyant, singsong voice echoed from the mansion’s hallways.

“Ooooh-ho-ho-hooooo~ What’s this I’m heaaaaring, Su-baruu~?”

Everyone froze.

Down the steps floated Roswaal L. Mathers himself, painted face grinning wide, robes swaying. He stretched out his hands like an entertainer about to unveil a grand finale.

“I take one little trip to the capital, and when I return, the mansion has beecome…” He paused dramatically, eyes sparkling. “Polygon Camp Headquaaaarters~?”

Subaru buried his face in his hands. “Kill me now.”

Roswaal leaned close, his mismatched eyes glinting. “My my my, Subaruu~ First you make an alliance camp with Anastasia, then you rope in my dear Emilia-sama, aaand now even Karsten-sama joins the fun~? How bold, how scandalous, how—mmm—deliciously self-destructive~!”

“It’s not delicious, it’s indigestion!” Subaru wailed.

“Tell me, tell me, Subaru-kun~” Roswaal teased, wagging a finger. “When’s the wedding? Or should I say… weddingssss~?”

“NO WEDDINGS!” Subaru roared.

Felix hugged Roswaal’s arm, still giggling. “Can ya believe it, Roswaal? Our lil Subaru-kun’s turned into the kingdom’s hottest commodity, nya~!”

“Ho-ho-ho-hooooo~ Indeed indeed~! Even Reinhard, the Sword Saint himself, is a co-husband~ This is history in the making~!”

“I barely agreed to this!” Reinhard said, helpless.

“Neither did I! Wait wh—” Subaru screamed, realised what Reinhard said, and was about to interject before he was cut off.

Roswaal clapped his hands, delighted. “Ooooh-ho-ho-hooooo! Then I suuuppose Miload Mansion must be expanded to fit all of Subaru-kun’s… partners. A new wing, perhaps? The Polygon Wing!”

Shaula leapt into the air. “YEEEES! Build it, clown man!”

“Don’t encourage him!” Subaru shouted.

Emilia tugged at Subaru’s sleeve, whispering shyly. “Subaru… if we all live together, does that mean… we’ll all… sleep in the same room?”

Anastasia smirked wickedly. “Now there’s an idea, Emilia-chan. Sharing is caring, after all.”

“Wait—WHAT?!” Subaru yelped.

“I… I don’t really understand,” Emilia mumbled, cheeks red. “But if it makes Subaru happy…”

“It won’t! It doesn’t!” Subaru slammed his head against the table again. “Somebody please just let me have one normal romance!”

“Not possible, I suppose,” Beatrice declared.

Act V — The Point of No Return

By nightfall, the mansion was in chaos. Shaula was sketching banners that read “POLYGON CAMP FOREVER.” Anastasia was negotiating “marital contracts.” Reinhard was questioning his life choices. Crusch was serenely sipping tea, as though her sudden confession hadn’t detonated Subaru’s psyche. Emilia was spiraling in jealousy but trying to look supportive. Felix was running laps of the mansion giggling. And Roswaal was already drafting plans for the “Polygon Wing.”

Subaru sat in the corner, rocking back and forth, Beatrice in his lap patting his cheek like a patient mother.

“I can’t… I can’t do this, Baeko,” he whispered. “It’s too much. I just wanted Emilia-tan…”

Beatrice yawned. “Then try harder, I suppose. Until then, Betty will enjoy the chaos, I suppose.”

Subaru wailed.

And so Polygon Camp marched on — growing, mutating, thriving, dragging more and more into its web of madness.

And somewhere, deep in the night, Roswaal’s laughter echoed:

“Ooooh-ho-ho-ho-hoooooo~ The Polygon Age has beguuuun~!”

Chapter Text

The Miload Mansion was no longer the Miload Mansion.

To Subaru’s despair, it had become the Capital of the Polygon Camp.

Rooms were already divvied up into “Polygon Wings.” The Emilia Wing. The Anastasia Annex. The Shaula Sunroom (because she refused to be indoors without sunlight). Reinhard had been forcefully given a room right next to Felt. Crusch was still unpacking boxes of formal dresses in her “Green Garden” suite. Felix had already converted half of the halls into his personal gossip network.

And Subaru? Poor, exhausted, spirit-cuddling Subaru? He was currently dragging his feet through the halls like a ghost condemned to eternal suffering, Beatrice perched comfortably on his lap as usual.

“I suppose you’ve aged ten years in two days, in fact,” Beatrice noted dryly, nibbling on a biscuit as Subaru trudged past Petra vacuuming the carpet.

“I feel like I’ve aged fifty,” Subaru groaned. “I just wanted to live a quiet life with my Emilia-tan! And maybe Rem! Not this… this romantic Final Fantasy raid party.”

Beatrice blinked at him with her usual deadpan sharpness. “On the bright side, Subaru, I suppose Betty is guaranteed plenty of children to raise now, in fact.”

“Stop saying things that make me die inside!!” Subaru cried.

But he had a plan. Oh yes. A brilliant plan.

If anyone could end this nightmare, it was the proudest, most arrogant noblewoman in the land. Someone who would scoff at the very idea of sharing a man. Someone who would outright reject Polygon Camp as the disgrace it was.

“Lady Priscilla Barielle,” Subaru muttered, steeling himself. “My salvation.”

The Summoning of the Sun Goddess

The gates of the mansion swung open.

There she stood: Priscilla Barielle, dressed in flowing scarlet silks, her parasol angled just so, sunlight glinting off her fiery hair. Behind her trudged Al, armor-clad, already chuckling under his helm like he smelled a disaster waiting to happen. At her heels trotted Schult, her peach-haired boy butler, carrying a tray with the delicacy of a professional ten times his age.

“Bro,” Al greeted cheerfully, clapping his one hand against his armor. “You rang, buddy? The desperation in your voice was so sweet. I could hear the breakdown in every syllable.”

“Shut up, Al!” Subaru snapped. “This isn’t funny! This is life and death!”

“Oh, it’s funny,” Al wheezed, already laughing. “It’s hysterical. I knew you were dumb, but THIS—this is peak Subaru comedy.”

Priscilla didn’t even acknowledge Al or Subaru’s bickering. She strode into the mansion like she owned it (which, knowing her, she probably did by divine right).

“The air bends to my presence,” she declared. “And lo, even this decrepit manor transforms into a palace beneath my tread.”

“Yes, Princess Priscilla!” Schult piped in, bowing his little head. “It is radiant now that you have graced it! And Sir Subaru, too—how blessed this house must be, to have both your brilliance and his together!”

“Aw, Schult…” Subaru blinked, his despair cracking a little. He couldn’t stay mad at that kid’s sunshine smile. “You’re a good boy. But this isn’t the time…”

“It is always the time to praise one as great as you, Sir Subaru!” Schult beamed, making Subaru die inside and outside simultaneously.

The Fatal Request

Subaru pulled Priscilla aside, his voice trembling with hope.

“Listen, Priscilla. You’ve gotta help me. These lunatics have forced me into some… some… superharem polygon nightmare! You hate that kind of thing, right? You’d never share a man! So just say it’s disgraceful and call the whole thing off, yeah?”

Priscilla’s crimson eyes gleamed. She raised her parasol, smirk curling her lips.

“Disgraceful?” she repeated, like the word was a joke. “No, foolish boy. Do you not see? The world itself bends to my will. All that occurs, occurs for my benefit. This… polygon? This laughable, chaotic arrangement?”

She leaned closer.

“It exists because I willed it so.”

Subaru froze. “…what.”

“Therefore,” she continued, her voice dripping with smug finality, “it is only natural that you, too, belong to me.”

Subaru’s soul left his body.

“WAIT WAIT WAIT—”

“Princess Priscilla, you are divine as ever!” Schult clapped his little hands, eyes sparkling. “And Sir Subaru! To be chosen by the sun itself… truly, you are the most desirable man alive!”

“I DON’T WANT TO BE THE MOST DESIRABLE MAN ALIVE!!” Subaru howled, falling to his knees.

Al slapped his knee so hard he nearly dented his armor. “HAHAHAHA! BRO, my boy, you just dug yourself DEEPER. You called in the Sun Tyrant to save you? Rookie mistake, buddy! Absolute rookie mistake!”

Polygon Camp Reacts

The living room was chaos. Everyone had gathered to see what the commotion was about.

Anastasia smirked, scarf-draped Echidna twitching like she was about to choke laughing. “Well, well. Ain’t this somethin’. Looks like our Polygon just got itself a new shareholder.”

Shaula squealed and hugged Anastasia from behind. “Nyaaa, another rival for Masterrrr! But it’s fine, it’s open~! The more the merrier, right?”

Emilia twisted her hands together nervously, her silver hair swaying. “Subaru… I… I thought it was already strange with Anastasia and Shaula, but then Crusch… and now Priscilla… I don’t know why, but… I don’t want to share you…”

Beatrice, perched smugly in Subaru’s lap again, clapped her little hands. “Excellent, in fact! More chances for Subaru to produce children for Betty to raise, I suppose.”

“STOP PLANNING MY CHILDREN LIKE A BREEDING CHART!!” Subaru screamed, tears streaming down his face.

Reinhard, sitting politely with tea, bowed his head apologetically. “Subaru… I attempted to resist, I truly did. Yet somehow I was made a co-husband. Please, forgive me for my weakness.”

Felt slapped his arm. “Damn right you were! No way I’m lettin’ you back out now, Rein! You’re in this mess too!”

Felix, lounging on the armrest, swished his tail with glee. “Kyahahaha! Poor Subawuu, nyat even Priscilla-sama could resist you~. You’re so hopelessly tasty, meow~.”

“STOP MAKING THIS SOUND LIKE A BUFFET!!” Subaru begged.

Ram sipped her tea calmly. “Barusu, you brought this upon yourself.”

Julius pinched the bridge of his nose. “This is beyond the limits of sanity. Even for you.”

Meanwhile, Mimi and Meili had raided Petra’s craft box and were throwing homemade confetti into the air.

“Yaaaay, Polygon Camp grows again!” Mimi shouted.

“Yay…” Meili mumbled half-heartedly, but even she was grinning.

Roswaal, naturally, was laughing in the corner like this was the best soap opera of his life. Because it was. It simply was.

Subaru’s Total Collapse

“This is it,” Subaru mumbled, rocking back and forth as Beatrice patted his cheek with a crumb-covered hand. “This is how I die. Not to Elsa. Not to the Witch’s Cult. Not to Satella. But to… polygamy.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, in fact,” Beatrice sniffed.

Subaru pointed a trembling finger at Priscilla, who was already ordering Petra to prepare her private suite.

“Beatrice… SHE thinks the universe exists to give her what she wants! HOW DO I BEAT THAT?!”

Al wheezed so hard he nearly fell over. “You don’t, buddy! You just lay down and accept your fate!”

Schult beamed at Subaru with sparkling eyes. “Sir Subaru… you are truly amazing. So many noble ladies, all desiring you! You’re like a hero in the stories!”

Subaru couldn’t even yell anymore. He just collapsed face-first into the carpet with a muffled scream.

Polygon Camp had won.

The Polygon had grown again.

And there was no escape.

Chapter Text

The Glorious Recap

Lastime on Polygon Camp Z…

In a world of politics, love, and destiny… one boy only wanted a normal life with one (or maybe two, tops) lovely girls. Unfortunately, reality decided he was destined to suffer. Thus was born: Polygon Camp — the ever-expanding coalition of women (and apparently men now??) who, through circumstances beyond his control, all decided to marry Subaru Natsuki.

So far, we have Emilia, Anastasia, Shaula, Crusch, Reinhard (don’t ask), and now, through a cruel twist of fate… Priscilla Barielle. Alongside them, their knights, allies, and spirits. And where do they all live? That’s right: Miload Mansion. Once a simple manor of the Emilia Camp, now converted into the frontlines of Subaru’s despair.

The Morning After the Disaster

Miload Mansion was awake at dawn, but not in the peaceful, noble way. No, it was awake in the “half the house is screaming and the other half is throwing confetti” way.

Subaru groaned into his pillow. His eyes burned with exhaustion. His spirit partner, Beatrice, was sitting squarely on his chest like a smug paperweight.

“Baeko, I can’t breathe—”

“In fact, you’re being dramatic, I suppose,” Beatrice replied, bouncing just enough on his chest to drive the air out of him. “Besides, it’s important for you to wake up early, so you can attend to your many, many wives, I suppose.”

“DON’T SAY THAT LIKE IT’S NORMAL!” Subaru shot up, Beatrice still perched in his lap like a queen riding a horse into battle. “Why?! Why is this happening to me?! I just wanted one girlfriend—ONE EMILIA-TAN—and maybe Rem, but no, now I’m starring in Polygon Camp: The World’s Worst Dating Sim!”

From the hallway, a booming laugh echoed. “Hah! Bro, don’t act like you ain’t enjoying it a little bit!”

Al kicked open the door without knocking, hand on his hips, half his body bandaged as usual. His voice dripped with amusement. “Seriously, Subro, you’re living the dream. Harem protagonist? Mansion full of babes? Even Reinhard got roped in! I haven’t laughed this hard in years.”

Subaru grabbed a pillow and hurled it at him. “THIS ISN’T FUNNY!”

“Correction,” Al grinned behind his helmet, “this is hilarious.”

Before Subaru could strangle him, another figure tiptoed in behind Al: the small peach-haired boy butler, Schult. He held a silver tray with tea and biscuits almost bigger than him.

“Good morning, Lord Subaru!” Schult beamed, eyes sparkling with genuine admiration. “You’re truly incredible… so many noble ladies competing for your affection! As expected of the man even Lady Priscilla acknowledged! I admire you greatly!”

“Schult, buddy,” Subaru said, crouching down to pat his head, instantly softening. “Now’s not the time for that—”

“But Lord Subaru,” Schult clasped his hands, “you must be the most desirable man in all the kingdoms! I shall aspire to learn from your example!”

“STOP SAYING THINGS THAT MAKE THIS SOUND GOOD!” Subaru howled.

From the hallway came a sharp, imperious voice that silenced everything. “Hmph. Of course he is desirable. That this boy would attract the devotion of the finest ladies is no coincidence—it is simply the natural course of the world bending to my divine favor.”

Subaru’s blood ran cold. Slowly, he turned toward the door.

There she was: Priscilla Barielle herself, dressed in her usual extravagant crimson, holding her fan as if the world itself revolved around her every flutter.

“Priscilla-sama—!” Schult bowed deeply, almost spilling the tea.

“Good morning, my darling possession,” Priscilla said, striding forward.

Subaru staggered back. “Wait—WAIT! We didn’t agree to that!”

Priscilla tilted her head, smiling as if she’d just been complimented. “Your protest amuses me. But fret not—your resistance is but the hesitation of a shy man unaccustomed to glory. I have already claimed you, and thus the matter is settled.”

“SETTLED HOW?!”

Al leaned against the wall, laughing so hard he wheezed. “Bro, you’re screwed. She said it’s settled, so it’s settled. Congrats, you’re officially the husband of, what, six people now?!”

“IT’S NOT A NUMBER TO BE PROUD OF!” Subaru screamed.

“I AM NOT AIJOU RENTAROU FROM ‘THE 100 GIRLFRIENDS WHO REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOVE YOU’!” 

“You kinda are though bro…” 

”SHUT UP AL!”

Breakfast Chaos

Breakfast in Miload Mansion had become something unholy. The long dining table was filled with Polygon Camp members:

• Emilia sat with perfect posture, smiling nervously but sneaking glances at Subaru.
• Anastasia was sipping tea, scarf Echidna whispering things in her ear.
• Shaula was clinging to Anastasia’s arm but glaring at Subaru, then at Anastasia, then back at Subaru, visibly confused about her own relationship map.
• Crusch was calm, dignified, sitting opposite Subaru, occasionally staring at him just a second too long.
• Reinhard sat stiff as a board, eating bread as though he were in enemy territory. Felt next to him grinned at Subaru’s misery.
• Felix winked across the table, blowing Subaru a kiss just to make him choke.
• Beatrice was, of course, in Subaru’s lap.
• Roswaal made a grand entrance, gesturing with his hand like a stage actor.

And now, Priscilla took the head of the table, fan snapping open.

“This mansion is mine by extension,” she declared. “For if Subaru resides here, so too does the divine sun.”

“NO IT ISN’T!” Subaru banged the table. “THIS ISN’T HOW OWNERSHIP WORKS!”

“Subaru,” Roswaal sing-songed, “you should really be more accommodating, ye~s? After all, it isn’t every day a man is so… richly adored.”

“Roswaal, don’t make it sound like I’m running a brothel out of this mansion!”

Reinhard cleared his throat. “Subaru, perhaps we should… have a calm discussion to sort through this arrangement—”

“Shut up, Reinhard, you’re in this mess too!” Subaru snapped.

Felt burst out laughing, slapping the table. “Oh man, this is the best! Reinhard, the Sword Saint, co-husband with Big Bro! HAHAHAHA! I can’t breathe!”

“Felt-sama, please—” Reinhard turned red.

Meanwhile, Shaula slammed her hand down. “LISTEN! If Master—uh, if Subaru is my master, and Ana-boss is my love, then the only logical answer is this: WE’RE ALL SHARING!”

Emilia, red-faced, raised her hand timidly. “Um… actually, Shaula-san, if it’s open, then… maybe we could join each other, in bed…”

Subaru dropped his head into his hands. “No. Please, Emilia-tan, not you too…”

Anastasia smirked, swirling her teacup. “Well now, ain’t this fun? A whole camp united even in slumber. We’d be both politically, romantically and physically united. Imagine the PR value.”

“THIS ISN’T PUBLIC RELATIONS, IT’S MY LIFE! AND STOP BEING SO SUGGESTIVE!” Subaru cried.

Priscilla tapped her fan against the table, silencing them. “Enough squabbling. The boy is mine. If the rest of you insist on your delusions, so be it. The world bends to my fortune, and thus, he belongs to me regardless.”

Subaru stood up so fast his chair toppled. “NO! NO MORE! I’M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN!”

Al raised his hand. “Bro, hate to break it to you, but you lost control of this plot like three chapters ago.”

“AL, STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!”

Subaru’s Meltdown

After breakfast, Subaru dragged Reinhard, Julius, Al, and Roswaal into a side room.

“Alright, listen, we need a strategy!” Subaru paced back and forth, waving his arms. “I can’t keep living like this! I just want Emilia! That’s it! One girlfriend, one spirit daughter, and peace of mind! Is that too much to ask?!”

Reinhard sighed. “Subaru, believe me, I understand. I didn’t even know how I got pulled into this arrangement myself.”

“Because you tried to help!” Subaru pointed accusingly. “NEVER HELP ME AGAIN!” Subaru immediately backtracks, “Wait, I need your help a lot… never help me in personal matters again!”

Julius pinched the bridge of his nose. “This situation defies all rationality. Even I, the Knight of Knights, cannot parse how it spiraled to this degree.”

“Welcome to my life,” Subaru muttered.

Roswaal twirled a finger. “Ohhh, but isn’t it quite entertaining, Suba~ru? A grand alliance, forged in love and politics, all revolving around you?”

“Entertaining for YOU maybe! For me it’s a death sentence!”

Al clapped him on the back so hard Subaru stumbled. “Look, bro, just accept it. You’re a harem protagonist now. Stop fightin’ it and roll with it. I’ll even get you shades and a cigar. You’ll look badass!”

“AL I SWEAR I’M GOING TO—” Subaru cut himself off, realizing nothing he did would ever make sense again.

The Miload Mansion, once a respectable estate turned headquarters of Emilia’s campaign, had been many things: a fortress, a meeting place, and occasionally the world’s most chaotic building.

But never in its long history had it hosted something as utterly, cosmically absurd as Polygon Camp.

The air itself buzzed with tension.

Subaru sat slumped in a velvet chair in the grand parlor, elbows on knees, hands clutching his head like he could wring the madness out of his skull if he just squeezed hard enough. His black hair was a mess, his eyes bloodshot, and Beatrice was perched primly in his lap like a queen surveying her dominion. She patted his chest idly, as though comforting her very frazzled contractor while secretly delighting in how much future child-raising she’d secured.

And then, of course, there was Priscilla Barielle, lounging with aristocratic arrogance on a fainting couch brought in just for her. She sat like a goddess carved from flame and silk, her fan fluttering lazily as though the fate of nations—and of Subaru’s sanity—was a trivial matter for her amusement.

“The sun shines upon me, and so the world itself bends to my will. Naturally, this farce of yours—this… ‘Polygon Camp’—is no exception. It is only fitting that I, the rightful axis of existence, claim my share of the knight who holds such sway over destiny.”

“WHYYYYYYYY?!” Subaru screamed, his voice breaking so high it startled poor Petra in the hallway. “How does this keep happening to me?! You—you were supposed to be the one person sane enough to reject this! You were supposed to laugh in my face and call me a lowly mongrel! Why—WHY ARE YOU JOINING TOO?!”

“Because,” Priscilla said smoothly, eyes gleaming like molten rubies, “the world, in its eternal truth, is arranged for my benefit. Were you not, therefore, destined to be mine as well? Your anguish is irrelevant; destiny weaves only for me.”

Al nearly fell over. The knight sat cross-legged on the carpet, his helmet gleaming as he slapped his knee and cackled like a mad hyena. “Pffft—BRO! Oh, man, oh man! Hahahahaha! I can’t—Subaru, I can’t believe this! You—you dragged my lady into this circus! You’ve really gone and done it now, bro! Ohhhh, this is better than Kararagi street theater!”

“Don’t you laugh at me, Al!” Subaru shrieked, pointing an accusing finger, though his hand shook. “You’re supposed to be my friend! You’re supposed to HELP ME, not—NOT SIT THERE LIKE YOU’RE WATCHING COMEDY GOLD!”

“Bro,” Al wheezed, shoulders shaking, “I am watching comedy gold! I mean, you’re a magnet for women, and instead of being happy you’re treating it like you’re being burned alive! Do you know how many guys would kill to be in your shoes right now? You’re a walking tragedy and a romcom protagonist rolled into one!”

Before Subaru could respond with the appropriate level of righteous indignation (a.k.a screaming until his lungs collapsed), Schult waddled forward.

The tiny butler, peach-haired and impeccably dressed, looked up at Subaru with wide, glimmering eyes that sparkled with unshakable devotion. His little voice was soft but carried the sincerity of a choir.

“Subaru-sama…! To be so beloved… to be so desired… truly, you are a man of divine favor. For my lady to recognize your worth, it proves you are no ordinary man. You are the sun to which flowers turn, the jewel upon which crowns are forged. Truly, you are…”

“Stop—stop flattering me, Schult!” Subaru cried, grabbing his own face to hide his blush. “Don’t make this sound like some kind of grand achievement! This isn’t a blessing—it’s a curse! A CURSE, I TELL YOU!”

“Subaru-sama,” Schult said, clasping his tiny hands, “you are truly… the most desirable man.”

“Not helping, kid!” Subaru wailed.

Around the room, the rest of Polygon Camp reacted in various, equally chaotic ways.

• Emilia, sweet Emilia, sat with her hands folded in her lap, a conflicted expression scrunching her perfect features. Her silver hair gleamed in the light, but her heart twisted in ways she didn’t fully understand. She was part of this “arrangement,” but seeing Priscilla swoop in with such confidence made jealousy bubble up in her chest. And Emilia, being Emilia, decided the only solution was… to lean harder into the arrangement. (“It’s open, right? Then I can stay even closer to Subaru. Be more assertive so I can win…”)
• Shaula, braid swishing like a scorpion’s poised sting, giggled like a schoolgirl. “Kyaaa~! Another rival! Master’s collection of wives is growing~! Anastasia-tan, Emilia-tan, Crusch-tan and now Princess-boobies! Sugoi, sugokuuuuuiii!”
• Anastasia, scarf draped casually over her shoulder, smirked like a fox caught in a henhouse. “Well now, ain’t this somethin’? Never thought I’d see the day Lady Barielle joined in on a group romance. Shaula, darlin’, looks like yer harem’s got another general. Wonder who’s gonna keep the books straight.”
• Beatrice puffed her cheeks but looked smug as a cat. “In fact, it’s only natural, I suppose. More partners for Subaru means more chances for children, and Betty has already picked out baby names, in fact.”

“Wha—YOU WHAT?!” Subaru croaked, pale as a sheet.

• Felix had both hands to his mouth, ears twitching, looking like Christmas had come early. “Nyaa~ This is juuuust purr-fect! Subaru-kyun’s finally blooming into a real womaniser! Crusch-sama, Reinhard-kyun, Priscilla-sama, Emilia-sama—ohhh nyan, this mansion is turning into a drama, nyaaa~!”
• Ram sniffed disdainfully from where she stood against the wall, arms crossed. “Barusu’s degeneracy has finally reached critical mass. Truly disgusting. Roswaal-sama will hear of this.”
• Roswaal, leaning on nothing (somehow), merely chuckled, eyes glinting with dangerous amusement. “Oh-ho-ho, Subaaaruu-kun, how positively delicious. A political alliance by way of romantic entanglement? Verrrry clever of you. Verrry reckless, too. I think I’ll just sit back and watch this one play out, mm?”

Subaru slammed his fists against the armrests. “This isn’t clever OR reckless—it’s a nightmare! A NIGHTMARE WITH NO WAKE-UP BUTTON!”

“Stop whining, bro,” Al said, waving a gauntleted hand. “You’re living the dream.”

“THIS ISN’T A DREAM, IT’S A HORROR MOVIE!”

Priscilla’s fan snapped shut with a sharp crack. The room instantly quieted. Her gaze swept over the crowd like a queen surveying her subjects.

“This bickering is unseemly. The truth is plain: I have deigned to involve myself, and so the matter is sealed. Natsuki Subaru is mine, as are all things touched by my radiance. Resist if you must, but resistance is simply another flavor of submission.”

Subaru’s soul visibly left his body.

Later That Night – Polygon Household Dinner

Chaos didn’t end in the parlor. It migrated, like a contagious plague, straight into the dining hall.

The long table was crammed full: Emilia sitting stiffly beside Subaru (who looked like he was attending his own funeral), Shaula draping herself over Anastasia, Reinhard politely eating his soup while glowing with oblivious perfection, Julius sipping wine with the calmness of a man who refused to acknowledge reality, Felix making cat noises every five seconds, and Priscilla perched at the head of the table like a reigning empress.

Al kept making toasts. Schult kept giving speeches about Subaru’s legendary charm. Petra kept dropping plates because Subaru’s aura of misery was so distracting. Ram insulted Subaru every six minutes on the dot. Beatrice demanded Subaru cut her meat into tiny pieces because she was “a delicate lady, in fact.”

By the midpoint of dinner, Subaru was weeping into his stew.

“Why meeeeeeeee?”

“Because, bro,” Al said between gulps of wine, “you’re irresistible. Fate said so. And you know what? I support this camp. Polygon forever!”

“NOOOOOOOO!” Subaru shrieked, face in hands.

“YESSSSSSS,” the entire table answered in unison.

And thus, Polygon Camp—now including Priscilla, Al’s laughter, and Schult’s endless praises—grew more powerful, more absurd, and more unstoppable than ever.

Subaru knew, deep in his bones, that he would never escape.

And Roswaal? He just grinned into his wineglass, muttering under his breath:

“Gooodness me, how verrry, verrry entertaining.”

Chapter Text

The Miload Mansion had seen its fair share of disasters. Rampaging mabeasts. Political intrigue. Roswaal’s fashion choices. But never, ever, had it endured something quite like this: the Polygon Camp, where every living arrangement and alliance bent around the gravitational black hole of one unlucky, black-haired boy.

And that boy, currently lying face-down in the mansion’s grand hall carpet, was none other than Natsuki Subaru.

“I’m finished,” he groaned, muffled by wool. “Game over. Insert coin to continue. Except the arcade machine is broken and the coin slot is super-glued shut.”

Beatrice, perched dutifully on his back like a smug paperweight, twirled a lock of her drill hair. “Don’t be so melodramatic, I suppose. This is only the natural consequence of your reckless charm and tendency to attract trouble. Mother always warned me this would happen if I bonded with the main character, in fact.”

Across the hall, a council of chaos was convening. Reinhard—the Sword Saint—was standing there looking apologetic, as though his mere existence had contributed to Subaru’s suffering. Felt lounged on a chair with her feet on the table, snickering every time Subaru twitched. Anastasia sipped tea with an expression of pure calculation, while Shaula leaned against her shoulder rubbing her face against Anastasia’s like a clingy scorpion, whispering “Aaa~naa, let’s cuddle after this, okay?”

Crusch sat primly, dignified as ever, though her ears glowed suspiciously red when Subaru accidentally looked her way. Priscilla reclined like a queen in exile, Al cackling at her side. Schult, the peach-haired butler, clutched a tray and beamed at Subaru.

“Lord Subaru is so magnificent,” Schult said reverently. “Even the heavens themselves bend to bring him consorts and allies. Truly, the world acknowledges your desirability.”

“Kid, not now,” Subaru whimpered, his heart shriveling further.

Ram flicked her hair. “Barusu, your whining is annoying. Accept your role as the village stud and be done with it.”

“STOP CALLING ME A STUD!” Subaru sat up, his face streaked with despair. “I never wanted this! I wanted a quiet, wholesome, monogamous romance with my Emilia-tan. Not a harem. Not a polycule. Not a—” his voice cracked, “—not a Polygon Camp™!”

Everyone ignored his breakdown because, frankly, it was Monday.

Garfiel hates Mondays.

That’s when Subaru’s eyes flashed with desperate cunning. He remembered… one final trump card. One entity, one person, who could bring this spiraling, polygamous nightmare to an end.

It was a stupid idea. A suicidal idea. But Subaru had long since gone past caring.

He clasped his hands, shut his eyes, and whispered, “Satella… save me.”

The room went cold.

Shadows spread across the hall like spilled ink. Torches flickered out, one by one, swallowed by creeping darkness. The ground trembled, the walls groaned, and everyone felt a pressure so suffocating it was like being drowned under an ocean of pitch-black tar.

“Wh—what the hell?!” Al yelped, grabbing his helmet. “Bro, did you just open a black hole in the living room?!”

Felt swore loudly. Julius’ hand flew to his sword. Emilia gasped and staggered back, her face pale.

And then, out of that living abyss, she stepped.

A woman. Silver hair flowing like moonlight. A black dress that shimmered with starless void. A face so uncannily familiar to Emilia’s that it was like looking into a darker mirror. Her eyes—twin pools of violet—locked instantly onto Subaru.

“Subaru,” Satella breathed.

Everyone in the room felt their souls shiver.

“Ohhhh crap,” Subaru squeaked. “She’s actually here.”

Beatrice hopped down from his back, drills shaking. “Subaru, what in the world did you do, I suppose?!”

“I panicked! She was my only option left!”

Emilia clutched her chest, staring at the figure who was and wasn’t her. “Th—that’s…”

“Yes,” Satella said, ignoring everyone else, her gaze fixed wholly on Subaru. “I heard your call. I have come.”

The shadows writhed around her like living tendrils, but her expression was soft. Too soft. Disturbingly maternal and… romantic, all at once.

Subaru stood frozen as she approached, step by step. “Satella… listen… I only summoned you because—because—”

“Because you need me,” she whispered.

“No! Because I need you to disband the harem!” Subaru cried, pointing frantically at the Polygon Council. “Please! Destroy this nightmare! Get me out of this! You’re the one person terrifying enough to make everyone run away! So do it!”

A silence.

Then—Satella blinked.

“…No,” she said gently.

The shadows pulsed. Subaru’s heart plummeted.

“N-No?! What do you mean no?!”

“I will not take them from you,” Satella murmured, as if soothing a child. “If they love you, then they love what I love. That is acceptable. I will simply… join.”

The hall collectively screamed.

“JOIN?!” Subaru shrieked. “NO, SATELLA, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO END THIS, NOT EXPAND IT!”

Emilia, face white as snow, stammered: “W-wait, join?! As in—join what?! Y-you can’t mean—”

“Yes,” Satella said calmly. “Your Polygon Camp.”

Subaru collapsed onto the floor and muttered quietly to himself. “I’m dead. This is death. This is Return by Death without the reset. I’m stuck in purgatory.”

Anastasia, ever the opportunist, tilted her head with a sly smile. “Now, ain’t this unexpected? The Witch herself takin’ a seat at the table. I can’t say I mind sharin’, so long as the bed doesn’t collapse under all of us fucking…”

“WHAT THE FUCK ANASTASIA?!” Subaru yelled, cutting her off before she could spew more horny comments.

Shaula squealed, clapping her hands. “Kyaaa~! Master’s scary girlfriend is suuuper hot! This is like, the best telenovela plot twist ever! I’m so in!”

Priscilla smirked, fanning herself. “As expected, even the Witch bows to the inevitability of my Sun-blessed husband’s magnificence. How fitting that she too is drawn into my orbit.”

Crusch’s composure cracked for half a second before she straightened, muttering, “…I should have foreseen this.”

Al was wheezing with laughter. “Pfft—haaa! Bro, this is gold! You called in the apocalypse to save you from your harem, and she just added herself! HAHAHA—”

“Shut UP, Al!” Subaru screamed, hurling a cushion at him.

Schult raised his tiny hands, eyes sparkling. “Lord Subaru’s charms even transcend time and seals! To capture the Witch of Envy herself…! Truly, this is proof of his unrivaled greatness!”

“NOT HELPING, SCHULT!”

Meanwhile, Emilia’s fists trembled at her sides. Her heart hammered with a confusing storm of emotions—fear, hurt, jealousy, and a strange, unnameable ache. Satella was her, yet not her. And Satella had just declared her love for Subaru without hesitation.

“…No,” Emilia whispered.

Everyone turned.

Emilia lifted her head, cheeks burning, and shouted, “No! I—I won’t lose to myself! If Satella wants to join… then I’ll just… I’ll just stay by Subaru even more! I won’t back down!”

Subaru slapped his face. “Why does everyone think escalation is the answer?!”

Reinhard, bless his too-earnest soul, actually raised a hand. “Forgive me for intruding, but if Satella truly wishes to join… perhaps it is only right to welcome her fairly? For balance’s sake?”

“REINHARD, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY SAFETY NET, NOT MY WEDDING PLANNER!”

Beatrice tugged his sleeve. “In fact, I don’t see the problem, Subaru. The more partners you acquire, the greater the chance for offspring. Naturally, that means more adorable children for me to raise. It’s simple mathematics, I suppose.”

“BAEKO! DON’T YOU DARE TURN THIS INTO AN ARITHMETIC LESSON! YOU KNOW I’M A DROP OUT!”

But it was hopeless. The camp was buzzing, rearranging itself to accommodate the Witch of Envy as though it were the most natural development in the world. Satella, calm and radiant in her abyssal way, simply took Subaru’s trembling hand and whispered, “Do not fear. You will never be alone again.”

Which, in any other context, might have been sweet. In this context, it was the tolling of the final bell.

Subaru realized, with dawning horror, that his last trump card hadn’t saved him. It had damned him.

He was, once again, the nucleus of the ever-expanding Polygon Camp™.

And there was no escape.

Chapter Text

The Miload Mansion had weathered storms, battles, cult assaults, and Roswaal’s eccentric taste in furniture. But nothing—absolutely nothing—had prepared its halls for the catastrophe now known as bedtime.

Because someone—Subaru still didn’t know who, though he suspected Shaula’s eager hand—had suggested, “Let’s all sleep together in one big bed, Su-baru! As a family, you know?!”

And everyone agreed.

And now Subaru was in hell.

“Wait, wait, WAIT,” Subaru shouted, arms flailing as he watched the mansion’s maids (Ram, Frederica and Petra) drag in mattress after mattress, sewing them together like some unholy patchwork quilt. “This isn’t a bed! This is a battlefield disguised as linen!”

“It is most efficient,” Crusch said, perfectly calm as she folded her nightgown with soldierly precision. “One room, one space. A united camp rests more securely than a divided one.”

“Bro, she’s got a point,” Al cackled from the corner, tugging on his ragged pajamas with one hand. “This way, all your wives can stab you in your sleep at once instead of takin’ turns.”

“I don’t have wives!” Subaru screamed. “This isn’t a marriage, it’s a polygon-shaped prison!”

“You exaggerate, Subaru,” Roswaal sang as he floated in with a candle, his clown makeup slightly smeared for the night. “It’s simply destiny closing its jaws upon you, ho-ho-ho.”

“Shut up!”

Meanwhile, the real terror wasn’t the giant bed itself. It was Anastasia Hoshin.

The merchant sat cross-legged on the edge of the sheet, brushing out her long lavender hair with languid strokes. Echidna, her scarf, writhed smugly around her neck. And Anastasia? She wore silk pajamas that left far too little to the imagination.

“Well, ain’t this somethin’,” Anastasia purred, eyes glittering as she leaned toward Subaru. “Our first night sharin’ a bed, Natsuki-kun. Y’know, in Kararagi, it’s tradition for folks who sleep together t’… do it.”

Subaru nearly choked on his own tongue. “DO WHAT?!”

“‘It,’” Anastasia said simply, as if the word explained everything. “Me, you, Shaula. We could try a bit of it right now before lights out, hm?”

“I—YOU—WHAT—?!”

“Yesss!!” Shaula squealed, bouncing up and down on the quilt like an overcaffeinated bunny, her braid whipping like a scorpion tail. “I knew it! We’re finally doing it, Master! All three of us! Master and mistress and apprentice, wheeeeee!”

“NO!” Subaru shouted, clutching Beatrice like a shield. “There will be no doing of ANYTHING! This is bedtime! Sleep! Snores! Sheep-counting! NOTHING ELSE!”

Beatrice, perched smugly in his arms, rolled her eyes. “You’re overreacting, in fact. If you do ‘it,’ then I’ll have more babies to raise, I suppose. That sounds efficient.”

“BAEKO NOT HELPING!”

Emilia, meanwhile, stood at the foot of the bed in her powder-blue nightgown, face redder than Ram’s eyes. She twiddled her fingers together nervously. “Um… what is this ‘it’ everyone keeps talking about? It sounds… important.”

“Emilia-tan!” Subaru wailed, throwing himself across the mattress in a panic. “Don’t listen! Don’t learn! Forget the word exists!”

Priscilla, seated before a vanity mirror, applied night cream with the dignity of a goddess. “Fool. ‘It’ clearly refers to the divine act of worshipping me. Your bodies will inevitably bow to mine, as is the natural order.”

“THAT’S NOT WHAT ‘IT’ IS EITHER!”

“Subaru.” Crusch placed a hand on his shoulder, her touch firm, resolute. “If ‘it’ is a matter of duty, I will also… participate.”

“DUTY?! WHAT—YOU—NO!”

“Subaru.” Satella’s voice slid from the shadows like silk soaked in venom. The Witch herself rose from the floorboards, darkness curling around her like blankets. She materialized at the edge of the mattress, pale face glowing faintly in the candlelight. “If they are doing ‘it,’ then I will too. With you. Only with you. Always with you.”

“NOOOOOOOO!” Subaru screamed, collapsing into a ball on the quilt. “This isn’t happening. This is a dream. Wake up, Natsuki Subaru. Wake up now!”

“Bro, don’t wake up,” Al chuckled from his futon on the floor. “This is the best show I’ve seen since Reinhard accidentally married you.”

“That wasn’t a marriage, it was a cultural misunderstanding,” Reinhard protested gently from the doorway, already dressed in immaculate pajamas. Felt yawned beside him, dragging a blanket.

“Cultural misunderstanding, my ass,” Al wheezed. “You’re still married to Subaru.”

“AL SHUT UP!” Subaru cried.

Schult skipped in, carrying a basket of pillows bigger than his tiny body. “Subaru-sama, you are amazing! To unite all these beautiful ladies—and Reinhard-sama too!—under one bed… you are truly the most desirable man in the world!”

“Schult… you’re too pure for this world,” Subaru whispered, patting the boy’s head with trembling hands. “But now is NOT the time!”

“Bedtime, actually,” Schult chirped, plopping pillows around the giant mattress. “Everyone, please take your places!”

And so, the chaos began.

Shaula flung herself at Subaru’s left side, her braid looping around his waist like a seatbelt. Anastasia slid gracefully onto his right, her silky sleeve brushing deliberately against his arm. Emilia scrambled up beside Anastasia, clutching Subaru’s hand with fierce, blushing determination.

Priscilla declared, “The center belongs to my divine self!”—and promptly shoved everyone aside to press against Subaru’s other shoulder.

Crusch sighed but obeyed, tucking herself neatly into formation with the calmness of a commander joining her unit. Satella simply sank through the mattress, phasing upward until she was hugging Subaru’s legs from underneath like the world’s most terrifying weighted blanket.

Reinhard? He climbed in too. Somehow, inexplicably, nobody questioned it. Felt curled up on his chest like a cat, muttering curses.

And through it all, Beatrice plopped down firmly on Subaru’s chest, glaring at the harem like a mother owl. “This is my spot, I suppose.”

Subaru lay paralyzed, body pinned, arms trapped, sanity slipping.

“This is it,” he whispered to the ceiling. “This is how I die. Smothered by affection, drowned in silk and shadow, mocked by a one-armed man on the floor.”

“Nighty night, bro!” Al whooped, rolling onto his back and cackling so hard the windows rattled.

Schult tugged the blanket up to Subaru’s chin, smiling like an angel. “Sweet dreams, Subaru-sama. You’ve earned them.”

Subaru opened his mouth to scream again—

And Anastasia leaned close, lips brushing his ear, whispering, “Tomorrow night, let’s really do it, hm?”

Subaru’s scream shook the entire Miload estate.

Midnight descended upon Miload Mansion like a heavy curtain, but the bedchamber was anything but peaceful.

At first, Subaru thought maybe—maybe—sleep would come. His body was exhausted from fighting Shaula, conquering the Watchtower, and enduring hours of “suggestive” Anastasia commentary. Surely sheer fatigue would win. Surely.

He was wrong.

Because the moment his eyes drifted shut, Shaula kicked.

“Hyah!” Subaru yelped as a sharp heel jammed into his ribs. “Oi, Shaula! Keep your legs in your lane!”

“Sorry, Master!” Shaula giggled, already kicking again as her braid flopped across his face. “I’m just so happy I get to sleep next to you and Mistress Anastasia and everyone ever! Eeeee!”

“Shut—up—!” Subaru sputtered, spitting braid strands from his mouth.

On his other side, Anastasia chuckled low, her breath hot against his ear. “Well, now ain’t this cozy? Natsuki-kun, I could warm ya right up. Just lean a li’l closer, hmm?”

“NO CLOSER!” Subaru screamed.

“Closer, aye?” Anastasia teased, deliberately pressing her arm against his. “I’ll bet Shaula wouldn’t mind, would ya, darlin’?”

“Not at all!” Shaula shouted, half-suffocating Subaru in her braid hug. “Squish Master! Squish him with love!”

“I DON’T WANNA BE SQUISHED!”

“Subaru…” Emilia murmured from beyond Anastasia, tugging weakly at his sleeve. Her silver hair spilled across the pillows like moonlight, and her violet eyes shimmered even in the dark. “You’re mine, right? Just mine…?”

“Oh no,” Subaru whispered. “She’s sleep-talking again—”

“You won’t leave me for them, will you?” Emilia continued, tightening her grip on his sleeve like a vise. “I’ll… I’ll join the ‘it’ if I have to…”

“EMILIA-TAN DON’T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT IN YOUR SLEEP!”

Beatrice groaned from her perch on his chest. “Stop yelling, in fact. Betty is trying to sleep, I suppose.” She swatted his chin like a cat batting at string.

“Betty, switch places with me,” Subaru begged. “Please. You take the harem, I’ll take being the spirit for once—”

“No trades, I suppose,” Beatrice muttered, curling into a ball. “You dug this bed, you lie in it, I suppose.”

Meanwhile, Priscilla’s voice rang out from the foot of the bed. “Why is the air not perfumed with incense? This is intolerable. Servants! Incense!”

“There are no servants, Priscilla-sama,” Crusch said patiently, not even opening her eyes. She lay perfectly straight, hands folded on her stomach, as though rehearsing for her own funeral. “We are all sharing the same bed.”

“Then the world itself must provide incense for me!” Priscilla snapped. “Subaru! Command the heavens!”

“DO I LOOK LIKE A HEAVEN COMMANDER?!”

From beneath the bed, Satella’s voice slithered upward. “If you desire incense, I will give you a world full of it. I will make everything burn… for Subaru.”

“NO BURNING!” Subaru howled.

And then Reinhard muttered in his sleep: “I… swear… to uphold… marital law…”

“WHAT?!” Subaru shrieked. “WHAT KIND OF LAWS ARE YOU DREAMING OF?!”

“Marital law,” Reinhard murmured again, smiling faintly. “Subaru must… sign the papers…”

“STOP DREAMING ABOUT MY DOOM, REINHARD!”

“Bro!” Al’s voice carried muffled from the floor. “I can hear ya screaming from down here! I haven’t laughed this hard since Felt used your toothbrush to clean her daggers!”

“She what?!” Subaru cried.

“Shut it, one-armed idiot!” Felt barked sleepily, rolling over on Reinhard’s chest.

And in the middle of it all, Schult waddled in again, nightcap drooping. “Is everyone okay? I heard Subaru-sama screaming again.”

“Schult, buddy, little man, you gotta get out before you catch the stupid!” Subaru gasped, tears streaming down his face.

But Schult only smiled sweetly, clambering up onto the bed with the determination of a toddler climbing a mountain. “Mister Subaru, you’re amazing. All these people love you so much… You’re like a fairy tale prince.”

Subaru buried his face in his pillow and screamed.

Morning came like a mercy killing.

The sunlight streamed across the room, illuminating what could only be described as a warzone of affection.

Subaru lay flat on his back, Beatrice still perched on his chest, glaring at the rising sun like it was her personal enemy. Shaula’s braid tangled him from waist to ankle, knots tighter than any rope. Anastasia’s head rested on his arm, her lips curled in a smug little smile even in sleep. Emilia had glued herself to his other arm, cheek pressed into his shoulder with the clinginess of a kitten.

At the foot of the bed, Priscilla slept diagonally, kicking everyone who dared approach her divine aura. Crusch lay perfectly composed, not a single hair out of place, looking as though she’d slept in a coffin instead of a bed. Satella’s shadow wrapped Subaru’s legs like a cat determined to never let go. Reinhard lay peacefully as if nothing were wrong, Felt drooling on his chest.

On the floor, Al was snoring like thunder, while Schult sat cross-legged beside him, gazing up at Subaru with sparkling admiration.

“Subaru-sama,” Schult whispered reverently, “you truly are the strongest man alive.”

Subaru’s eye twitched. He inhaled deeply. And then he whispered to himself, “This is it. This is my life now. This is the new normal.”

And then he screamed into his pillow until everyone woke up again.

Chapter Text

Subaru stood at the head of the dining table in Miload Mansion, sweating like a politician caught in a brothel. The Polygon Camp was assembled: Emilia, Beatrice, Anastasia, Shaula, Priscilla, Al, Reinhard, Julius, Felix, Crusch, and about half the known world. His head throbbed.

“One night,” Subaru said, slamming his hand on the table. “That’s all I want. One night. Alone. With my Emilia-tan. Just us. No interruptions. No third wheels. No Great Sage apprentices trying to climb through the window. No fox scarves slithering under the door. JUST. ONE. NIGHT.”

Emilia blushed but smiled shyly. “I’d like that too, Subaru. It… it sounds nice.”

Shaula shot out of her chair. “WHAT?! NO! MASTER CAN’T—MASTER CAN’T JUST ABANDON ME FOR ONE NIGHT!” Her braid thrashed the chair like an angry scorpion’s tail.

“Shaula, sit down before I put you in time-out,” Beatrice snapped, sipping tea like an executioner sipping last rites. “Subaru will have his night, in fact. Anyone who interrupts will be Minya’d, I suppose.”

Anastasia chuckled behind her scarf. “Mmhmhm~ No interruptions, eh? Not even a teensy peek? Purely academic interest, of course. Market research.”

“NO MARKET RESEARCH,” Subaru barked, pointing at her like she was a telemarketer.

Priscilla fanned herself lazily. “How droll. To think the heavens would favor your mundane flesh over my divine presence. Still, should destiny compel it, my intervention shall be absolute.”

Al slapped his knee, nearly falling off his chair. “BRO WANTS A HONEYMOON NIGHT IN A POLYGON! AHAHAHAHA!”

Reinhard cleared his throat, mortified. “I… believe we should respect Subaru’s wishes. If Lady Emilia agrees, then—”

“Yes, Reinhard, THANK YOU,” Subaru said, eyes wet with relief. “See, THIS is why you’re my bro!”

“—though if things get out of hand, I’ll intervene for her safety.”

Subaru’s head thunked against the table. “You’re killing me, Reinhard…”

Felix leaned over, smirking. “Nyaaa, Subaru-kyun just wants to pound Emilia-chan into the mattress without us watching~ so precious.”

“FELIX!” Emilia squeaked, burying her face in her hands.

And through it all, Crusch sat perfectly composed, hands folded neatly on the table. She said nothing. Her expression was calm, dignified… but her cheeks burned redder than Reinhard’s hair. Her internal monologue was nothing but alarm bells and frantic notes: Compose yourself. Breathe. He’s just asking for a night with Emilia. He’s your man too. You have no reason to… oh heavens, why does this sting so much?

“Everyone SHUT UP!” Subaru howled, tearing at his hair. “Beako, you’re guarding the door. No one gets in, no one gets out. That’s final.”

Beatrice nodded firmly. “With pleasure, I suppose.”

And that was that.

Night fell. Emilia sat on the bed, silver hair spilling like moonlight over her shoulders, cheeks pink as she twisted her hands nervously.

“Subaru… are you sure about this?” she asked softly.

He swallowed hard. “Emilia-tan, I’ve never been more sure about anything. Tonight… it’s just us. Okay?”

”O-okay.” Emilia answered nervously, before leaning in to meet Subaru’s lips.

They kissed, clumsy at first, then desperate, then hungry. Subaru’s nerves should’ve wrecked him, but instinct surged like he’d been born for this. Emilia gasped into his mouth, fingers clutching his shirt as he pressed her back into the pillows.

Her first moan was soft. The second was louder. By the third, the whole mansion could hear.

“Ahhh—Subaru—ahhhhnnn!” Emilia cried, voice ringing down the hall.

Beatrice, standing guard outside, turned purple. “Why is she SO LOUD, I SUPPOSE?! In fact, I was NOT prepared for this!”

Shaula pounded on the door. “MASTER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO EMILIA-TAN?! WHY IS SHE SCREAMING YOUR NAME LIKE THAT?!”

Al keeled over. “SHE SOUNDS LIKE SHE’S BEING EXORCISED! HOLY SHIT!”

Anastasia pressed her ear to the wood, smirking. “Mmhmhm~ oh my, little Subaru’s dominant in bed, ara~? How fascinating.”

Priscilla’s fan snapped open with a flourish. “These cries… this vigour… truly, the heavens favor his loins.”

Reinhard hid his face in his hands, crimson. “This is… indecent…”

Felix was crying with laughter. “Nyaaa, listen to her! Subaru-kyun, you beast~!”

Inside, Subaru was sweating bullets. “E-Emilia-tan, please, you’re too loud—”

“I-I can’t help it—ahhhhnnn—y-you’re making me feel too good, Subaru!” she whimpered, clutching his back.

“I’M TOO GOOD?!” Subaru gasped, horrified at himself. “SINCE WHEN?!”

“Subaru…” Emilia moaned, lips brushing his ear. “How… how do you know exactly what to do? It feels like… you’ve done this before…”

His soul left his body. “I—EMILIA-TAN! THIS IS MY FIRST TIME! DON’T MAKE ME SOUND LIKE SOME PLAYBOY!”

She kissed him again, smiling faintly. “Well… if you had… I wouldn’t mind. Because I like it.”

He screamed into the pillow. “EMILIA-TAN DON’T SAY THAT WHILE I’M—AHHHHHHH!”

Outside, Shaula clawed the walls. “MASTER BETRAYED MEEEEEEE!”

Anastasia consoled her by patting her head lovingly, she loves her Shaula after all.

Crusch, still seated with perfect posture on a bench down the hall, pressed a hand to her cheek. Her calm mask was cracking. Compose yourself. Compose—compose yourself! Why are you picturing him—no. Stop. Compose. Compose. Her blush burned brighter, her composure hanging by a thread.

The noises got worse. Louder. More desperate. The bedframe creaked in ways that suggested structural collapse. Emilia’s voice pitched high enough to terrify small animals.

Al was on the floor, screaming with laughter. “PFFT! SHE’S CALLING YOU ‘MASTER’ TOO NOW! THIS IS TOO GOOD!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH—SUBARU!” Emilia screamed, voice echoing through every hallway.

Beatrice set the door on fire just to drown out the noise. It didn’t help.

Morning came.

Subaru staggered out of the bedroom like a war survivor, hair wild, barely dressed. Emilia clung to his arm, face glowing red, walking with a limp.

The entire Polygon Camp was waiting in the hall.

Silence.

Then chaos.

Felix wolf-whistled. “Ohoho~ she can’t walk straight! Subaru-kyun, what a naughty boy you are~.”

Shaula collapsed dramatically. “MASTER… YOU KILLED HER! I WANTED TO BE THE ONE YOU KILLED!”

Priscilla snapped her fan open. “The heavens demand you share such talents with me, Natsuki Subaru…”

Al screamed at the top of his lungs. “YOU BLEW HER BACK OUT! HAHAHAHAHA!”

Reinhard was pale as a sheet. Julius muttered a prayer.

Crusch, cheeks scarlet, cleared her throat softly. “Ahem. I… trust Lady Emilia is… satisfied?” Her voice was steady, but inside she was spiraling. Compose. Compose. Why do I envy her legs giving out beneath her? Compose. Compose.

Subaru screamed, pointing at them all. “WHY WERE YOU LISTENING?! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PRIVATE!”

Anastasia winked behind her scarf. “Mmhmhm~ you didn’t exactly make it sound private, you know. Emilia was quite, expressive of her experience~.”

Beatrice hopped back into his lap, utterly deadpan. “You made her scream so loud, even I couldn’t drown it out, I suppose. Well done, in fact. Now give me children, I suppose. I didn’t bodyguard the door for free in fact.”

“BEAKO, STOP SAYING THAT!” Subaru howled, Emilia burying her burning face in his chest.

And just like that, breakfast became a circus. Emilia couldn’t sit down properly. Subaru tried to hide behind toast. Al kept stifling his laughter every five seconds. Crusch nearly fainted but refused to admit it. Shaula wept into her braid. Anastasia kept dropping innuendos while consoling her dear Shaula. Priscilla declared it divine law that she be next.

And Subaru realised, with the crushing inevitability of death itself: this was life now. Forever. Not even Return by Death will save him.

Chapter Text

Morning in the Miload Mansion should have been peaceful. Birds chirped, sunlight streamed through the tall windows, and the smell of warm bread filled the air.

Instead, the long dining table was a courtroom, and Emilia was the star witness in a trial Subaru never wanted to exist.

Everyone had gathered: Anastasia with her sly fox-smile (well, spirit-scarf-smile, same thing), Shaula glaring daggers, Priscilla sitting like a queen awaiting tribute, Crusch with a porcelain mask of dignity and a blush betraying her, Julius sipping tea like a man bracing for execution, Felix grinning ear to ear, Al vibrating with suppressed laughter, Satella quietly present with shadowy calm, Beatrice munching toast in Subaru’s lap like she hadn’t heard anything suspicious all morning, and Schult at the far end of the table with stars in his eyes.

Subaru sat there pale, clutching his fork like a crucifix.

The interrogation had begun before he could even butter his bread.

“So, Emilia-sama,” Anastasia purred, leaning forward. “Did you sleep well last night?”

Emilia smiled, cheeks pink. “Mm! I slept really well. Subaru made sure of it.”

The table froze to either eagerly or regretfully listen closer. Forks hovered mid-air. A tato slid off Al’s plate in slow motion.

Subaru’s soul left his body.

“Pfft—!” Al slapped the table as he tried his hardest not to burst out laughing.

“Calm yourselves, it’s only the beginning of testimony,” Priscilla said, swirling her wine (yes, wine at breakfast, because she’s Priscilla Barielle and she’ll do whatever the fuck she wants). “This commoner’s dalliance naturally extends to me, but let us indulge in hearing how his mediocrity played out with this half-devil girl.”

“Half-elf,” Subaru croaked, but nobody heard him.

Julius, in a voice taut with knightly restraint: “…It is not proper to pry into such private matters.”

Shaula slammed her hands down. “No, no, no! It is SUPER proper if Master was in bed with someone else before me! I have to hear it! Master, why didn’t you call for me?!”

“Because I value my life?!” Subaru wailed.

But Emilia, sweet Emilia, tilted her head. “Oh… but they asked. Isn’t it rude not to answer?”

“Emilia-tan please, no, you don’t understa—”

She beamed and said, “It was… really nice. Subaru was… um, in charge the whole time.”

The entire table went silent again.

Crusch’s teacup trembled. Felix’s ears shot up. Anastasia’s grin widened like a predator smelling blood. Satella’s shadows wriggled happily.

Julius blinked very slowly. “…In charge?”

Emilia nodded innocently. “Yes. He pushed me down on the bed first. He even pinned my wrists above my head with his hands.”

CLANG. Reinhard, who had just walked in with Felt, dropped his plate of food.

“…Bro.” Al was howling. “BRO. You didn’t!”

Subaru buried his face in his hands. “Kill me now.”

But Emilia wasn’t done. No, she was just getting started.

“And then, um… he was on top, and I thought I wouldn’t be able to move at all. He was so strong. I didn’t know Subaru could hold me like that…”

“MASTER!” Shaula shrieked, grabbing her braid like she was about to stab someone with it. “You let the half-elf have your sword first?! Betrayal!”

Anastasia smoothly put a hand on her arm. “Now, now, Shaula-chan. Let’s not interrupt. The details are… invaluable.” She leaned closer to Emilia. “What happened after he pinned you, dear?”

Emilia tapped her chin, smiling dreamily. “Well, then he… he grabbed my hips. Really tight. It was so… firm. Every time he pulled me closer I felt like I was—”

BANG. Al fell out of his chair, kicking his legs like a dying cockroach. “STOP, I CAN’T. BRO, SHE’S KILLIN’ ME.”

Priscilla laughed haughtily. “Hmph. As expected. The world itself bends so that I too shall know the firmness of Natsuki Subaru’s hands. Fate demands it.”

“Fate can shove it!” Subaru yelled.

Crusch delicately dabbed her lips with a napkin, her voice measured. “…Remarkable. To think he would show such… initiative. Truly, Natsuki Subaru hides unexpected depths.”

Inside, she was screaming. Why does that image linger so vividly?! Compose yourself, Crusch Karsten. Compose yourself!

Julius had his head bowed into one hand, sighing exasperatedly. “This conversation is highly improper… and yet, it continues.”

“Ya can leave anytime, Julius-kyun,” Felix teased, tail swishing. “But it’s more fun watchin’ ya ears go all red—nyaa~”

“They are not red,” Julius snapped, ears glowing scarlet.

“Subaru,” Satella’s calm, low voice slipped into the silence. “Did you… enjoy it?”

“WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!” Subaru screamed at the literal Witch of Envy.

But Emilia giggled softly. “He did. A lot. He—ah—he made me… um… make noises. I didn’t mean to be so loud, but Subaru wouldn’t let me stop…”

Another wave of silence crushed the room.

Felt broke it, jabbing a finger at him. “You dominated her? You? BIG BRO?!”

“Don’t call me big bro while my afterlife is flashing before my eyes!” Subaru barked.

Schult, sweet summer child, clasped his hands. “Subaru-sama… you are so amazing. To make a lady cry out like that, you must be truly desirable!”

“I—Schult—buddy—thank you but NO THIS IS NOT THE PRAISE I WANT.”

Anastasia folded her hands primly, eyes sparkling. “Natsuki-kun. About your… sword. Emilia-chan, would you say it was… impressive?”

Subaru froze. “Don’t—Don’t answer that.”

Emilia tilted her head, thinking. Then she lifted both hands and spaced them apart. “Mm… about this big?”

Every soul in the room flatlined.

BANG. Al slammed his forehead into the table. “BROOOO, YOU’RE PACKIN’?! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!”

“WHY WOULD I TELL YOU?!”

Felix nearly choked laughing. “Ohhh nyaa~ this breakfast is too good—Subawoo’s sword, his hands, his hips, nya~ we’re learnin’ everythin’!”

Priscilla smirked, eyes gleaming. “As ordained, my divine self shall receive such blessings as well. It is inevitable.”

“NOT INEVITABLE!” Subaru shrieked.

Julius, muttering into his tea: “…What is happening to this accursed camp.”

Crusch, cheeks crimson but voice steady: “It is… important to know the full measure of an ally, I suppose.” I cannot look him in the eye ever again.

Shaula was sobbing into Anastasia’s shoulder. “I wanted to be first! Master’s sword should’ve impaled ME first! Waaaah!”

“IMPALED?!” Subaru nearly flipped the table.

Satella, smiling serenely: “If it makes you happy, Subaru, I can join too. That way, no one is left out.”

“YOU JOINING DOES NOT MAKE ME HAPPY!”

Emilia blinked innocently, still spilling secrets. “Oh, and he whispered in my ear while he—”

“EMILIA-TAN STOP.”

She tilted her head. “But they’re asking about last night, Subaru.”

The table leaned in, ravenous for more.

“…Fine!” Subaru snapped, pointing at all of them. “Go ahead! Milk every humiliating detail! Just remember, one day I’m gonna break the fourth wall and strangle the author writing this garbage!”

Everyone blinked.

“Bro,” Al whispered, eyes wide. “Did you just threaten the author?”

“Yes!” Subaru screamed. “And he deserves it!”

But breakfast didn’t end there. Oh no.

Because then Anastasia, sharp as a knife, leaned in with a new angle. “Emilia-chan, did Subaru say anythin’ to ya? Y’know, any sweet words?”

Emilia blinked. “Oh, he said lots of things. Like… um… ‘Emilia-tan, you’re mine tonight.’”

The room erupted.

Al rolled onto the floor again. “BRO IS POSSESSIVE!”

Julius crushed his napkin in his fist, muttering, “Unacceptable. Such brazenness…!” but his ears betrayed him again.

Crusch’s hand trembled. He… he claimed her outright? Why do I want him to claim me?! She hid her face in her teacup.

Shaula screamed. “YOU’RE MINE, MASTER! I’M SUPPOSED TO BE YOURS TOO!”

Anastasia whispered something sly in her ear—Shaula froze, blushed furiously, and sat back down, fuming but no longer leaping.

Subaru groaned. “Anastasia, stop taming Shaula like a Pokémon!”

“Why would I stop?” she said sweetly. “It’s fun.”

Emilia happily kept going. “Oh, and he kissed down my neck until I couldn’t think straight anymore—”

“EMILIA-TAN I’M BEGGING YOU.” Subaru slammed his head against the table.

Priscilla fanned herself. “Hmph. The world conspires so that he shall worship my neck as well. A fitting display.”

Felix laughed so hard he fell out of his chair. “Nyaa~ Subawoo’s got techniques, techniques! Who knew, who knew!”

Reinhard was red all the way to his ears. Felt jabbed him teasingly. “You hearin’ this, Reinhard? Big bro’s a monster!”

“I… I must excuse myself—” Reinhard stammered, but he couldn’t move, too frozen with knightly mortification. He tripped on the way out. And just stayed laying face down into the floor.

Satella just nodded approvingly. “Good. Subaru deserves to take what he wants.”

“NO, I DO NOT DESERVE THIS!”

Then Emilia, in her infinite innocence, added: “And at one point, he flipped me over—”

Everyone leaned in so hard the table nearly tipped.

She made a little motion with her hands. “Like this. Then he… held my hips from behind. Really tightly. While I was on all fours…”

Absolute silence.

Then Al whispered, reverent: “Bro… doggy?”

Subaru screamed into his toast.

Julius dropped his composure completely, face red as a tomato. “THAT IS ENOUGH! Lady Emilia, your candor is… is beyond indecent!”

Emilia blinked. “But… you asked me?”

Crusch nearly dropped her fork, muttering so quietly no one heard, “…the hips… from behind…” before snapping back upright and coughing.

Anastasia clapped her hands. “Wonderful detail, thank ya kindly. Anythin’ else?”

Emilia nodded innocently. “Mm-hmm! At the very end, he… he pulled me close, kissed me really deeply, and whispered that he never wanted to let go. Then he—”

Subaru leapt across the table and clamped a hand over her mouth. “NOPE. STORYTIME OVER. THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED.”

But it was too late. The damage was done.

The Polygon Camp sat in stunned awe, laughter, jealousy, flustered dignity, divine proclamations, and ominous shadowy agreement.

And Subaru? Subaru was a husk, eyes staring blankly into infinity.

Breakfast had never tasted so bitter.

And that was only Day One.

Subaru knew, deep in his bones, this would be his new norm. 

He is beyond cooked.