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Summary
A series of events (and one big nightmare) that make Bob realize what the team is becoming to each other.
Series
- Part 1 of MCU fics
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Bookmark Notes:
Might read saving js cause
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Bookmark Notes:
Team* by PK_Butter
https://archiveofourown.org/works/69513441thunderbolts in the void (post-movie)
thunderfam :D—
Finally, it was John who spoke first. "I don't think I deserve to be here." None of them really knew what to say to that.
"What do you mean?" Bucky questioned after about half a minute.
"I mean, the Watchtower. The team. The world. I don't know. I had my chance and I ruined it. I let myself go too far and... I'm not a hero anymore. I was a shitty husband and a shitty dad and a shitty Captain. And it took me until I had this to realize that I don't deserve it." John laid himself out so calmly, as if he wasn't revealing a deep, deep insecurity to his team. No one spoke for a while as they tried to gather the words to reassure him, very aware of just how sore a subject Nico was.
"John, look," Bucky said, his voice firm, but kind, "What you did was horrible. We all know that it was, and I know you regret it. But if I were in your position; if one of you or Sam or Steve were killed right in front of me and I thought I had caught the murderer? I don't know if I'd be able to keep my composure either."
"I knew Nico didn't kill Lemar. When I did it. I've seen the video. I asked him where Karli was. I knew it wasn't him. I just killed him because I could. Oh, God, I-" John broke down again, tears suddenly flowing from his eyes, "what if I enjoyed it? What if I'm just like all those criminals I claim to hate?"
"John, you can't let one day out of thousands you've lived define who you are. I know it seems insurmountable, or like it's something you'll never shake off, but-" Ava tried to support him, but John interrupted.
"It wasn't just one day. I keep thinking about the hearing that I had. Where they told me I couldn't be Captain America anymore. I acted... God, I acted like such a fucking idiot. I mean, I was so entitled and stupid and... and then it's every day after that when I started working for Valentina and I kept killing and killing and killing and I never had a single doubt or regret the entire time, even after my son was born. I just kept doing it. Because someone was paying me to and it was easier than quitting and living a normal life and I only snapped out of it when I lost my family." John had nearly shouted the last part of his monologue, and everyone turned their heads to look at him with a concerned expression.
"You sound like Natasha," Alexei said after John's sobs had subsided. "She'd always talk of having red in her ledger, and her work as a hero was how she worked to wipe it out. I don't know if she ever realized... but that red... she wiped it out the second she made that choice to be a hero."
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“Would… would you be okay if I started calling you all my family?” Bob asked, nearly mumbling out the words. After a second of silence, he began to ramble to justify himself. “It’s just- I’ve never had a lot of friends before. And my parents… you know how they were. And I never met my grandparents or cousins or anything like that. You’re the closest thing I have to a real family. A-and you don’t have to think of me that way if you don’t want to, but I’d really like it if…” He curled up, putting his head down and wrapping his arms around his legs. “N-nevermind.”
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